Work Text:
General Xuan Zhen loved his statues. The effort made to make sure they were all carved to his liking. Striking, elegant, graceful and beautiful. That was all that was made to emulate him. All chipped down to the last brick of perfection that his followers see in their god.
Mu Qing loved his statues for quite that simple reason. They were made by his followers. He could only see perfection, none of his flaws that marked his skin would show on his statues.
Not of poverty scars, of battle scars, of that scar of betrayal or even the horrible burns from Mount Tonglu that occasionally hurts even till today. They would be ugly in Mu Qing’s standards, but the one that made him most self-conscious would be the offending mark left by the cursed shackle that the previous heavenly emperor put on him.
Most scars he could erase. Particular ones left a permanent mark. Inerasable even with his spiritual powers. The cursed shackle and his burns from the larva. Gone but forever carved onto his skin.
Every time he looked at it, it was a reminder of the pain they went through for eight centuries coming from a terrifyingly twisted and powerful being that ruled above everyone. It was also a reminder of the embarrassing confession of friendship. Of how he almost lost the most important people in his life.
Sometimes he almost wishes he was a cold slab of brick himself. Devoid of emotions, never going though all those centuries of feelings and agony. At least in concrete, they would never show his overly white skin which would betray his emotions too easily whenever he is embarrassed or angry. They would never show his insecurities of being looked down upon, of being poor or never being able to be vulnerable when it matters.
It would never show anything other than perfection.
Looking at his own statues also makes Mu Qing painfully aware of how flawed his is. Not only his skin, tarnished by marks. At least those he could always chalk up to war experience and heroic deeds, but more so his personality that he knows as much. The most revolting aspect of him he feels that he keeps as a front. The one that pushes people away because he is distrusting, twisted and never showing what he means or feels.
As insignificant as it was, since Mu Qing never really felt like he needed or wanted people except his mother, and with Xie Lian and Feng Xin, it was terribly fragile. Living almost a millennium there were more snobs than wholesome people he would rather keep at a distance.
Mending his broken relationship with Xie Lian and Feng Xin and being so terrifyingly honest gave Mu Qing not only a sting, but also a drabble of hope. That no matter how flawed he was, he was still wanted. And loved for who he is.
Even so it was still the uphill battle, revealing the most vulnerable part of you to the people you trust the most. The insecurity would forever be chipping away his confidence, and without this and his façade, what would be even left of him?
Mu Qing really did not want to think about this. He has lived like this for so long so why does he have to step out of this comfort zone just because he gained some feelings and friends?
Nevertheless, the unthinkable happens. Feng Xin. Loyal, handsome and absolutely warm Feng Xin. With his straightforwardness and steadfastness that broke all of Mu Qing’s defenses and façade in their fights and animosity. They became more civil with each other after Mount Tonglu, most likely due to Mu Qing’s awkward confession.
Fights became light banter which eventually turns to butterflies like Crimson rain, and before either of them knew it, Mu Qing was falling for his southeastern counterpart. Feng Xin with his easy laughter, and his constant presence around Mu Qing was doing a number to his heart.
Coming together was another obstacle for Mu Qing. Although it was Feng Xin who confessed first, it took Mu Qing as much to even finally accept that he was loved, and he really deserved everything Feng Xin had to give, and his entire love.
Stubborn as he is, Mu Qing sometimes forgets that he is not unmatched even in this department. Feng Xin was equally stubborn. He prodded at his walls, only to wrap Mu Qing tightly in his softer own, and showering Mu Qing with the affection he never had since his mother died.
Even then it still refused to be beaten. The first night they laid together in bed, Mu Qing almost lost it. He had never done this before and conveniently forgot that some activities required being honestly naked.
Feeling so heated when Feng Xin puts his mouth and hands on him, Mu Qing melts at the sensation. Feng Xin’s hands has almost travelled down his abdomen into his nether regions when the sudden realization jolts Mu Qing back to reality and he pushes Feng Xin away.
Furrowing his brows in concern, Feng Xin’s gentle voice reaches his ears.
“What’s wrong, Qing’er? Too fast? We can stop here if you aren’t ready.” Feng Xin moves closer to hug him again and rub soothing circles on his back.
Mu Qing shakes his head but continues to hold Feng Xin close.
Mu Qing really wants this. Wants Feng Xin to be his as much as he wants to be Feng Xin’s. But he was not ready for Feng Xin to see his ugly scars. Voices rang in his head in panic. Would he find it revolting? Would he be turned off so much he would never want to sleep with him ever again?
Seeing the cogs turning in Mu Qing’s head, Feng Xin plants a reassuring kiss on his forehead before speaking again.
“It’s okay, baby, let’s not overthink too much. We can take it slow, shall we sleep for now?” He asks, looking at Mu Qing with the same fond look he has been giving him since they got together.
“Feng Xin…” Mu Qing wants to ask him to continue without looking at him, but he knows it’s absolutely impossible, so he gives it up for now.
“Hmm?” a reply comes.
“Stay with me?” he hated that his voice came out so weak, but he had no idea what to say to get Feng Xin to understand. Instead, what came out was such a desperate but quiet plea.
“Always, Qing’er. Let’s sleep, yes?” Feng Xin proceeds to tuck him in and lay his head on his chest as he hugs him.
Nothing more was said as Feng Xin continues to pet his head and plants a kiss to his forehead. The familiar warmth and light caressing on his head lulls Mu Qing to sleep.
-
Mu Qing knows it’s almost a losing battle whenever his mind was involved. He thought that he would finally win if he had Feng Xin with him.
Still, it does not make what-ifs and unpredictability any less terrifying. He worries that Feng Xin would see him and find him less than perfect when he has already seen worse? He knows Feng Xin would never leave him as much for such a petty reason but his mind would never let him live with it.
Maybe deep down he wants to be perfect in Feng Xin’s eyes. Maybe now he did not want to be less than perfect for Feng Xin anymore.
The next time they made it to bed again, Mu Qing concludes that with the lights off, Feng Xin could never see too much of it. His scars or his embarrassment on his first intimate experience.
Despite Feng Xin’s plea to at least leave one light on so that he could at least maneuver without tripping, Mu Qing resisted vehemently. Sighing, Feng Xin could only work with what he had.
The only uptake was with visuals lowered to the minimum, sensitivity was equally heightened and Mu Qing, for the first time, felt the incredible pleasure in breaking his vows.
The belated understanding of why Xie Lian would break his cultivation painfully reminded him that he too wanted to see Feng Xin when they had each other in pleasure. As well as the fact that they did not go all the way.
Sighing, Mu Qing puts his clothes back on after they have cleaned up and snaps his fingers to turn one light on. Seeing his own sweat and Feng Xin’s naked torso pressed so close to him, he could only blush as Feng Xin loops an arm around his waist to pull him close.
“Are you okay Qing’er?” Again, Feng Xin asks with his tenderness and so much understanding.
Mu Qing only hums in response. “How about you?”
“Yea, I feel pretty good. I am glad I finally get to see you.” He smiles while nuzzling Mu Qing’s head and planting soft kisses on his face.
The words struck Mu Qing with so much guilt and want. He too wants to see Feng Xin’s face when they are getting intimate. But what else was at risk? His pride? His ugly scars? His insecurity? In the midst of all the tenderness and warmth that Feng Xin lulls him in, he no longer knew.
Feng Xin would like to think that he knows his southwestern counterpart best. Regardless of how closed off Mu Qing ever was, he knows underneath that complicated personality how soft the man was. Keeping his many insecurities, flaws and vulnerabilities desperately hidden, out of his worries and fears.
Overthinking was a very Mu Qing trait as much as his eye rolls. And Feng Xin knows better to treat it with extra care after Mount Tonglu. Mu Qing was as cruelly played as much as everyone present in this twisted game by the heavenly emperor.
Fate forever shoved the obvious in his face. Even after centuries, his heart could never leave Mu Qing as much as his physical self as if it was not already evident enough. And Feng Xin only learned after Mu Qing’s terribly awkward but somewhat endearing confession to his highness and when death almost became too imminent.
He never wanted to lose Mu Qing. He wanted more than to fight the man on a daily basis. He wanted Mu Qing to look at him, hell he could even roll his eyes and Feng Xin would still find it endearing. He wanted to hear his voice, every insult, every sarcasm and every laugh. He wanted to see that beautiful visage and touch that soft black hair and see his genuine smile.
These thoughts were truly intimidating. Feng Xin would do anything to rid himself of it if it would save him the embarrassment of blushing and staring excessively at the man whenever he was within a ten-mile radius.
Being the true dumbass as he is as Mu Qing usually puts, Feng Xin began choosing avoidance whenever Mu Qing was close. Which unhelpfully helps in manifesting more morbid thoughts.
Like how Mu Qing would look like being kissed and pressed into his bed. And how he would sound if Feng Xin were to touch or grind against him. Or how his lips and body would feel like under him. Accompanied by many cold showers after, Feng Xin could no longer deny that he truly wanted Mu Qing like he never did.
He wanted to see what Mu Qing truly was like. The hard and twisted side, or the soft and vulnerable sides. He wanted to love everything of that infuriating god had to give. He would engrave it to his heart, soul and core.
Months in and Feng Xin gave in to his feelings to confess. With Mu Qing, things will always be difficult at first which was already predicted. But Feng Xin knows that whatever happens, it would always be Mu Qing. He would always want Mu Qing.
Nothing much has changed since getting together. They would fight, and hang off one another, Mu Qing would still be overthinking, and Feng Xin as usual never thought too much. His presence next to him was still ever comforting.
Except now there was tenderness. With regular kisses and cuddles. Feng Xin was conscious enough to give Mu Qing his needed space and comfort, and Mu Qing would seek out Feng Xin’s warmth and touches.
Feng Xin never felt happier. That Mu Qing trusted him enough to allow him in. And at every turn Feng Xin would meet him halfway with the assurance and love promised.
The first night of shared intimacy went as well as he could have expected. He swore he would wait till Mu Qing was ready, cultivation or vulnerabilities. Feng Xin was absolutely ready to do everything for him. Giving him power to his compromised cultivation and all the assurance he needed to ease those worries.
But it still ended up with Mu Qing visibly upset and shaking with just a desperate request for him to stay. He thinks that Feng Xin would leave? This shakes Feng Xin up thoroughly as well. Apparently it wasn’t enough.
He wants to think he knows his other half well enough. But it was evident there was only so much he could do, with so much he only knew. He wants to shield Mu Qing from his own vicious mind sometimes. He could see it tearing Mu Qing apart.
The second time when he finally does get to hold his beloved, Feng Xin would say it was perfect. It really was. Disregarding the fact that Mu Qing has requested the lights off and he could barely see anything at all. Being so terribly insistent, Feng Xin could only go along, fending down that aching desire to see Mu Qing’s face when he is holding him.
Nevertheless he was glad that there was some semblance of progress. He got to hold him through the night. All Feng Xin could do was hope Mu Qing understood through his kisses and touches.
--
Mu Qing would berate himself for being too careless. Just because of this relationship with Feng Xin this past year.
Lathering soap and water on his body, Mu Qing washes off his ache and fatigue of the day in the bath of his own palace. Exhaling a sigh, he decides to rest by the side of the bath after washing off, letting the sound of running water soothe his nerves and body.
Perhaps the knowledge that Feng Xin would never go pass any boundaries set by him made him feel safe enough to assume that Feng Xin would never come by his bath knowing Mu Qing was inside. When he obviously failed to account for the fact that they were lovers now and Feng Xin would be overly concerned when Mu Qing spent a little too long in the baths for his liking.
Feeling drained and weary, Mu Qing did not hear the soft footsteps and a voice calling him from the other side of the door. Before he knew it, a figure was looming over him.
“Qing’er? Love? Are you okay?”
Mu Qing feels a familiar warm hand on his hair when he jolts up in realization.
“Feng Xin?!”
“I didn’t want to bother you but you were here an awfully long time, and you didn’t answer, so I was worried...” Feng Xin scrunched his brow in concern.
Realizing his fully naked and compromised form when he sees Feng Xin blushing, Mu Qing instinctively flinches, pushing at Feng Xin.
“Get out! Who asked you to come in?” OUT! OUT!”
Feng Xin flinches as well like he has been burned.
“What the fuck?! I was just worried about you!”
“I am fine! Out! Now!” Mu Qing stood up, throwing anything he could find at Feng Xin at this point.
Feng Xin scrambles and backs out before screaming back “Quit throwing things at me now! Ow! What the fuck is wrong with you?!”
Successfully throwing Feng Xin out from his bath, a sudden realization hits him. Feng Xin has now seen him in his full naked glory.
Covering whatever dignity he has left with his towel, Mu Qing slumps back down beside the bath. Now Feng Xin is truly going to be put off. By his body. The one thing that Mu Qing could not stand.
Walking towards his clothes at the side of his bath, Mu Qing feels hot tears slide down his face as he begins putting on his inner robes. Brushing at them angrily with a few sniffles, he puts the rest of his robes and pants on when a small voice behind the bathroom walls comes.
“Mu Qing?”
Silence.
“Qing’er, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. Please at least let me know you’re okay?”
Mu Qing was annoyed. How much more could this man think about him? Here he was throwing a tantrum and all Feng Xin was concerned about is if he is okay? Mu Qing must have stayed silent because the next thing he sees is Feng Xin poking his head into the bathroom once again.
“Love?” he nervously asks.
Mu Qing turns away but apparently not fast enough and Feng Xin had obviously seen his tears.
He feels footsteps and an arm wrapping around his waist and turning him around to fully envelop him in a hug.
“Qing’er, I am so sorry. I shouldn’t have come in, but I was worried because you were in here for so long.” Feng Xin’s voice was painted with guilt and panic and concern were overtaking his features. He cups his cheeks and thumbs at his eyes to wipe those tears that escaped.
His actions crushed whatever little resolve Mu Qing had and he was all out sobbing on Feng Xin’s chest. All while holding Feng Xin like a lifeline. He truly was the only anchor who could ground Mu Qing.
Mu Qing could not remember how long they stayed like this, but he always loved being in Feng Xin’s embrace. Strong and immensely warm, before Feng Xin’s voice breaks him out of his thoughts once again.
“Want to tell me what’s wrong? I know it couldn’t just be me coming in to check on you. But if you aren’t ready, I can wait.”
Silence follows. Physically and mentally exhausted, Mu Qing could barely hold it, but he really did not know how to begin telling Feng Xin. He could only manage a weak mumble.
“I’m hideous...” following a choked sob.
Mu Qing was mentally preparing for Feng Xin to be utterly disgusted.
–
He knows that Mu Qing had a long day. It was understandable he would want a long soak and bath. But after 30 minutes of radio silence with not even sounds of water Feng Xin began to get worried.
When Mu Qing did not answer he walked in slowly only to find his beloved dozing off by the bath. Seeing his naked figure immediately brought a vicious blush to his face and arousal, since not even during intimate times had he really seen his beloved naked.
But who knew that just the gesture of waking him up would elicit such an adverse reaction from Mu Qing when he began hurling things to get him out.
Feng Xin himself was also beside with anger. He was just worried. And he knows Mu Qing was upset with him for not respecting that space he wanted alone. But did that warrant such a reaction?
Running out, he already feels guilty and was prepared to apologize only to come back in to see Mu Qing crying. Shocked was an understatement. Mu Qing never cried, not in front of him or anyone else.
Seeing his tears, and being the reason behind it, Feng Xin feels the ache. He instinctively reaches out to hug Mu Qing, no longer sure what he should do.
Between wanting to comfort him and giving Mu Qing time to calm down, Feng Xin truly needed more brains to ascertain what was happening. The other god was now outright sobbing on his person and all he could make of Mu Qing’s mumbled words was hideous.
Mu Qing was calling himself hideous? Now he is just lost and confused. The only thing that was justified was Mu Qing’s actions these past months. How he wanted the lights off and would never as much allow Feng Xin to see him with his robes off. But ugly? His Mu Qing was anything but that.
“No love, you’re definitely not ugly.” Feng Xin states.
“Yes I am!” A sniffled reply came from his neck.
“Why would you think so?”
Silence, followed by a muffled reply.
“I couldn’t erase it… the stupid scars from the burns and shackle… didn’t want you to see them…”
Understanding immediately dawns on Feng Xin.
He thinks back to the year at Mount Tonglu. How Mu Qing earned that cursed shackle and those horrible burns. And yet still awfully misunderstood when all he wanted to do was save them. Feng Xin felt a pang of guilt for those scars.
It reminded him how Mu Qing lived with that carefully crafted image. How much effort Mu Qing must put to be barely respected. Why Mu Qing would rather die than let any weakness show. Why Mu Qing would fuss over statue images.
Rubbing Mu Qing’s wrists with his calloused fingers, he wipes at the tears coming out again before hugging him.
“It’s okay, love. It’s definitely not hideous, and I won’t be put off by something like this.”
Feng Xin cringes inwardly at his inability at comforting people. Words be damned, Feng Xin was a man of action he does not know how else he could get through to Mu Qing, but he knows he desperately needs to.
Mu Qing just raises his head to look at him.
Sighing, Feng Xin gently grips Mu Qing’s hands again, sliding his sleeves a little further till the cursed shackle mark was visible. He places a light kiss at his inner wrist and another few light kisses around the shackle mark circling his thin wrist, earning a surprised squeak from Mu Qing.
“Wha… What are you doing?!”
“Because I really don’t know how else to say this. I love you, Mu Qing. All of you. Your flaws, your scars, or whatever it is. If anything, its proof you survived. I am never happier or more grateful for anything else, because I don’t know how I could ever live if you never made it.”
He looks up to find Mu Qing red from his face to the tip of his ears. It was truly adorable. Feng Xin smiles and peppers a few more kisses on his face.
Releasing his hands from his grip, Feng Xin continued his kisses down Mu Qing’s neck till he reaches the first burn mark near his shoulder. Trailing down his thin robes, Feng Xin suddenly feels a different kind of heat pooling his veins.
He kisses the marks and goes on mapping Mu Qing’s body for his scars, making it his mission to kiss every single one he finds. Longing to tell Mu Qing that every part of him is loved.
He barely reaches his torso before Mu Qing was weakly swatting at him, covering his face but blush already spreading to his chest.
“S..stop..”
“Why?”
“It’s... it’s embarrassing…”
Feng Xin chuckles before releasing him. “I think you’re beautiful.”
Yes, his Mu Qing was beautiful, and perfect.
Feng Xin was annoying. Big-hearted, loyal and obnoxiously annoying. How dare he say that when all Mu Qing wanted to do was cower and hide away? How dare he say all that and kiss his shackle mark?
Mu Qing was one step away from combusting. From the embarrassment and Feng Xin.
Feng Xin was also blushing. And he called him beautiful. Mu Qing never thought so. But it was Feng Xin. Honest to fault, he embraced everything Mu Qing loathed of himself. He kissed his burns, and his scars. Somehow Mu Qing knows, it was okay. He always will be, with Feng Xin around.
Feng Xin resumes his kissing all while sliding Mu Qing’s robes off his shoulder. Looking at Feng Xin staring back at him with those earnest honey brown eyes, he could only give back in equal passion, and for the first time, they finally knew what they looked like when they drowned in passion all night long.
Perhaps it was a little too impulsive. Maybe he was not really ready for full naked honesty. But there he was laying on Feng Xin’s chest in the aftermath thinking how he really wants to get his clothes on the floor back on his body.
Attempting to stand up, he shifts, only to feel Feng Xin pressing him back to himself.
“What’s wrong?”
“We should at least wear our inner robes…it might get cold…” Mu Qing reasons.
Feng Xin laughs a little before dropping a kiss on his forehead.
“nah… that can wait. I am pretty warm now.”
Huffing a sigh, Mu Qing could only roll his eyes. He feels pretty warm now too. Maybe later then.