Chapter Text
--carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] on 7/15/2014 at 5:27 PM--
CG: HELLO
CG: DAVE STRIDER.
CG: IT IS I, THE NIGHTMARE OF YOUR DREAMS, THE WORST OF YOUR POTENTIAL MATCHES, THE PINNACLE OF EVERYTHING YOU ARE GOING TO HATE ABOUT COLLEGE. FEAST YOUR EYES ON MY TEXT AND KNOW THAT THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF YOUR DOOM, I AM HERE TO BE THE ROOMMATE YOU ALYWAYS DREADED AND SIMLUTANEOUSLY LONGED FOR. WHEN YOU ARE OLD AND GRAY YOU WILL TELL WHATEVER FAMILY OR FRIENDS STILL CLING TO YOUR VISAGE ABOUT THE HORRORS YOU EXPERIENCED FIRSTHAND ROOMING WITH A SERIAL KILLER PROBABLY
TG: are you ok
CG: WELL I'M NOT A SERIAL KILLER YET BUT FROM WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT THE PRESSURE OF COLLEGE I HAVE GREAT FAITH IN THAT THAT'S WHERE I'M GOIGN
CG: HI.
TG: all right is it acceptable to assume this is indeed karkat vantas in the virtual flesh or has some other guy decided to be my roommate and send me this incomprehensible babbling via decoded ones and zeros in pchum
CG: OH.
CG: YEAH I FORGOT TO SAY THAT.
CG: IT IS I, KARKAT VANTAS, THE NIGHTMARE OF YOUR DREAMS, ETC, I'M NOT TYPING IT AGAIN.
TG: you know you could have just used copy and paste
TG: not that that makes any difference in how equally pointless both actions are im just saying
CG: YOU KNOW WAHT JUST.
CG: SHUT UP YOUR BUTT FOR TWO SECONDS.
TG: are you drunk
CG: NO JUST. SHHH.
TG: are you high
CG: I JUST HAD SURGERY I'M ON PAINKILLERS NOW SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, LISSTEN TO MY IMPORTANT WORDS.
CG: I AM KARKAT I AM YOUR ROOMMATE.
TG: nightmare of my dreams got it
TG: whatever that bullshit actually means
TG: isnt it usually one or the other with the terminology i mean youre either having a nightmare or youre having a dream
TG: maybe youre the nightmares that stalk my subconscious or the insidious terrors that slide into a good dream to turn it into a living horror film
TG: schrodingers movie stalker
TG: is it a nightmare or a dream you cant tell until you open the box
CG: PLEASE STOP TYPING WORDS.
TG: what is with the capslock
CG: I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I AM HERE, AND ALSO LOUD, I AM GIVING YOU A TASTE OF WHAT TO EXPECT. EXCEPT IT'S NOT THAT ACCURATE BECAUSE WHEN I'M NOT LAMBASTED WITH DRUGS I AM GODDAMN ELOQUENT AND WOULD BE WRITING A FIVE PARAGRAPH ESSAY ON WHY EVERYTHING YOU'RE SAYING RIGHT NOW IS AWFUL.
CG: BUT FOR NOW I JUST HAVE A HEADACHE AND ALL I CAN THINK IS YEAH THAT WAS A PRETTY DUMB THING FOR ME TO SAY, BUT IT SOUNDED GOOD IN MY HEAD BEFORE I TYPED IT.
TG: happens to the best of us
TG: listen dude i want to have a bunch of convos before we actually move in together but maybe you should wait until a time that is pointedly not now
TG: by which i mean a time when you do indeed have all of your faculties at your disposal
CG: NO NO NO. SEE THE BEAUTY OF THIS IS THAT I KNOW HOW HARD I'M GOING TO REGRET THIS LATER BUT I'VE DECIDED TO LEAVE THE REGRET FOR MY FUTURE SELF TO DEAL WITH.
TG: your future self being
TG: you
TG: yes youre right this makes total sense in every way
CG: I'M NOT HIM YET I DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT IT.
TG: i am pretty sure that is not how temporal shenanigans work at all but ok whatever
TG: nice to meet you karkat vantas im dave strider your future roommate
TG: i wasnt planning to put effort into making your life hell but if youre so determined to be my future nightmare i just might have to find it in me
TG: i cannot be showed up as the worst possible person on the planet what the fuck that trophy is mine
CG: YES SEE THIS IS GOOD WE'RE GOING TO GET ALONG FINE ASIDE FROM THAT I'LL PROBABLY HATE YOU.
TG: i appreciate the vote of confidence
CG: THREE THINGS.
CG: ACTUALLY FOUR.
CG: FIRST I HATE ALMOST EVERYONE ON PRINCIPLE BUT IF I RESPECT YOU I'LL BE UP FRONT ABOUT THE HATING INSTEAD OF BLOGGING ABOUT YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK.
TG: thats a totally solid and not unhealthy philosophy to have of the world i cannot wait to share space with your charming personality
TG: whats your blog im gonna follow it
CG: I'MMM NOT DONE SHHHHHHHUT UP.
TG: holy shit you are baked
CG: NO MORE WORDS.
CG: FOR YOU NOT FOR ME I HAVE A LOT MORE WORDS.
CG: SECOND I AM VERY BROWN AS IN MEXICAN AND INDIAN AS IN LEAVE RACISM AT THE DOORSTEP PLEASE.
TG: yes i have seen photos of you on account of us having each others facebooks
CG: WAIT. FUCK YOU'RE RIGHT.
CG: I'M STILL PUTTING IT OUT THERE THIS IS THE NORMAL INTRODUCTION SPEECH DON'T BE A DOUCHE.
CG: THIRD I'M VERY TRANSGENDER DO A FUCKING GOOGLE SEARCH DON'T ASK ME ABOUT MY GENITALS I'M A GUY THANKS BYE.
CG: FOURTH I GET UPPITY ABOUT THOSE LAST TWO THINGS SO FIND SOME OTHER PLACE TO BE A RAGING DOUCHESNAKE.
TG: are there like degrees of transgender now
TG: like you dove right into the deep end and then you have kids swimming around at the shallow end or dipping their toes in being just a little bit trans instead of very
CG: HA HA CUTE.
CG: NO THERE AREN'T FUCKING DEGREES OF BEING TRANS I AM TRYING TO MAKE A POINT AS SOON AS WE MEET UP IRL I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS.
TG: hahaha oh my god chill
TG: im albino filipino and also trans im so glad we dont need to do the cis spiel song and dance this is actually the best thing to happen to me about the entire college experience and im not in college yet
CG: OH.
CG: OH, THANK GOD.
CG: I ASKED FOR A TRANS ROOMMATE BUT I DIDN'T THINK THEY'D ACTUALLY BOTHER I DON'T KNOW ANYONE GOING TO THIS SCHOOL AND THERE WASN'T ANYTHING ON YOUR FACEBOOK SO I WASN'T SURE.
TG: well now you know me
TG: i try not to make a big production out of it so if you could uh
TG: not blog about it or announce it to everyone that would be awesome
CG: NO NO THAT'S FINE BY ME I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU DID NOT DO THAT THING FOR ME ALSO.
CG: FUCK I MEAN
CG: DO DO THAT THING?
CG: DON'T OUT ME.
TG: i figured that was what you meant yeah
CG: I DIDDDN'T GO TO ALL THE TROUBLE OF HAVING TOP SURGERY THE SUMMER BEFORE SCHOOL STARTS TO CONTINUE BEING A WALKING ENCYCLOPEDIA FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN JUST USE GOOGLE. HOLY FUCK.
TG: its cool i feel it
TG: is that why youre so baked
TG: bc top surgery
CG: I'LL BE OFF PAINKILLERS LIKE
CG: SOON.
CG: STAND BY FOR REGRET FROM FUTURE ME.
CG: SINCE I DON'T HAVE TO YELL AT YOU YET I THINK I'M GOING TO TAKE A NAP.
TG: that sounds like a good idea buddy
TG: sweet dreams
--carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] on 7/15/2014 at 6:13 PM--
~0~
--carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] on 7/22/2014 at 10:17 PM--
CG: Oh my fuck.
CG: Can we literally just delete that entire log from existence and our respective memories and pretend it didn't happen, ever.
TG: are you telling me you didnt want your first impression to be a lot of typoed capslock gray text and vehemence
TG: what guy wouldnt want to present himself that way to the dude hes going to be rooming with for the next year
CG: Oh, my fuck.
CG: We're restarting the introductions in a way that's not going to make me want to crawl into a dank hole for the rest of my natural lifespan, ok?
CG: Hi, I'm Karkat Vantas, I am a reasonable person as long as you don't push my buttons.
CG: Or as long as I don't start thinking about things that piss me off.
CG: Which is almost always.
TG: hello karkat vantas im dave strider
TG: im a psychic whos sensing a lot of mysterious facets of your personality
TG: drifting into focus like a chosen one awaiting a prophecy
TG: im sensing youre...
TG: the nightmare of my dreams?
CG: Oh. My. Fuck.
CG: I am going to murder you.
TG: am i going to be your first serial killer victim
CG: I am going to go down in fucking history as the Douchebag Killer, attracted only to assholes who make it their life mission to wear Adidas sandals and snapbacks. Two weeks into the start of the semester, you'll mysteriously vanish, leaving behind a trail of clues that lead into nowhere. I'll have disappeared just as surely as you, while the police try to figure out whether they're looking into a murder or a kidnapping or two guys who disappeared because they didn't want to be found. Joke's on them, I'm running off on my own. The heady feel of spilling blood got to me the first time, I've unleashed my inner beast. I cross state borders, choosing my victims carefully, and it takes the police twenty years to link all the murders together. By then surely there's a new trend of dudebro, my motif evolving with the times and baffling detectives everywhere, until all they can put me down as in history books is the Douchebag Killer. Victim shaming? Possibly, but is there any contest to the douchiness? Historians will debate the moral dilemmas and potential ramifications of my crime spree for years. Copycat killers who can't quite capture the force of my combined rage and apathy will be summarily caught. They'll try to pin all of my murders on them, but suddenly there's another body. How can people still be dying if the killer's been caught, Scully? I don't know, Mulder, there must be an accomplice! Or we don't have the original! The police continue frantically searching, but there's nothing to be found. I am everywhere and nowhere. I am everyone and no one. And it all starts with you. Congratufuckinglations.
TG: im
TG: i want to answer this but i cant even measure up this is just poetry
CG: Dear NSA guy who just read that, I'm fucking joking.
CG: I pass out when people bleed in front of me it's kind of an issue.
TG: youre so lucky my sense of humor is really fucked up because i think this is significantly worse than your first introduction
TG: you and i are going to get along just fine
TG: since we already got the glaring obvious out of the way in the first intro lets talk actual roommate things
CG: If you put empty milk cartons back in the fridge instead of throwing them out you make my hit list.
CG: Again.
TG: oh so you dont keep weaponry in the fridge
CG: What.
TG: good that was gonna be my thing
TG: keep swords knives and guns out of the fridge it is not a holding rack
CG: Is this a meme I'm missing?
TG: tragically no this is my actual life
TG: im pretty sure its a texas thing
CG: Remind me that when I do my serial killing I need to skip Texas.
TG: every time i remember im from texas i fear myself a little more
TG: please remember to do your laundry because im gonna forget to do mine until i have no clothes that pass the sniff test and one of us needs to have some sense of personal hygiene
CG: I'm not doing your laundry for you.
TG: i didnt ask you to
CG: No. You need to do your laundry or I'm going to end up doing it for you and I don't want to do your laundry for you.
TG: oh in that case
TG: im just never going to worry about laundry ever thanks for the tip
CG: Damn it.
CG: Warn me if you're going to get laid.
CG: NO SEX ON MY BED.
TG: why would i have sex on your bed
CG: I don't know but it seemed like an important "NO" to get right out in the open now.
TG: duly noted
TG: only ever have sex on karkats bed and literally nowhere else
CG: :c
TG: what dont do that
CG: :C
TG: dont make sad smileys at me thats worse than ire on account of being cute stop that
CG: :'C
TG: BYE
TG: listen it was nice talking to not-baked you and aside from being fucking weird you sound like a pretty alright dude so thats a pleasant surprise
TG: i gotta hit the hay though im breaking the unspoken law of teens everywhere and trying to keep a solid crash-before-midnight sleep schedule
TG: i miss a lot of overnight memes this way but i gotta make sacrifices you know
TG: ill come up with an actual list of important shit to know and message it to you
CG: Okay. I will too.
TG: stay gold ponyboy
TG: nightmare of my dreams
CG: FUCKING BYE.
--turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] on 7/22/2014 at 11:07 PM--