Chapter Text
When Gwyn first opened her eyes each morning, there were usually a few moments when she forgot about her worries as she woke, her senses acclimating to her surroundings.
More often than not, she woke in Azriel’s arms, pulled into his side or his chest, and occasionally wrapped around her from where he laid spooned around the curve of her spine. She loved the rare times when she woke before him, feeling his breath gently stir her hair where it was inevitably tangled in a cloud around her head. She loved just laying in the silence, breathing in his scent and snuggling close to his warmth, watching his face relaxed in sleep, and dozing back off with him until he woke her with kisses.
This particular morning, Gwyn had felt herself drifting back to sleep when a thought made its way to her consciousness, ricocheting around her brain and stealing her peace. She tensed, her body automatically responding to the information, and buried her head against Azriel’s chest as she bit her lip, heart racing, as she mentally berated herself.
It happens once a year, every year. How is it that you let it sneak up on you every time?
She knew Azriel had woken as his hand gently traveled a path down her spine, her skin breaking out in goosebumps. They lay in silence for another moment, Az’s hand brushing up and down her back, before he spoke, his voice particularly deep and raspy with sleep.
“Happy birthday, love.”
Gwyn cringed, still hiding her face against his chest. “Thank you,” she muttered quietly, closing her eyes. She felt a hand gently grab her chin, tilting her face up until she knew Azriel could see, though she kept her eyes firmly shut.
“Gwyn,” he said gently, his thumb skating a familiar pattern over her cheek.
She sighed deeply as she gathered herself, opening her eyes to look at him. It was usually her favorite part - seeing Azriel as soon as they woke up most mornings - but she knew he’d be able to read the tension in her eyes as soon as he looked at her. His brow furrowed slightly, able to read her like a book even though they had only been together a few months. His eyes searched her face for another moment before his arm tightened around her, and he leaned down to kiss her slowly. She sighed against his lips, feeling some of the tension leave her muscles as she moved her hand up from its spot on his chest to cradle the back of his neck, anchoring them firmly together. Azriel’s lips curved into a smile against hers, and she squeaked when he suddenly pulled her to lay on his broad chest. Gwyn tried for a moment to deepen the kiss, feeling Azriel’s heart racing in tandem with hers, before he slowed his movements and pulled back.
His hands smoothed her wild hair back from her face, gently combing through the strands and separating the tangles. “What’s wrong?”
She sighed, tucking her face into his neck. “I just…I don’t like celebrating my birthday.”
They lay in silence for a moment before Azriel spoke, his whisper barely audible next to her ear. “Because of Catrin.”
She sighed again, her heart aching as she nodded against him. “Because of Catrin.”
Azriel hugged her even tighter than before. “Do you want to talk about it?”
How did she get so lucky finding this incredible man for making her feel so safe and loved and who wanted to hear her talk through the things that troubled her? “It feels wrong to celebrate turning another year older when she will stay twenty-five for eternity. Knowing that for two and a half decades, we shared this day together, and now it’s just a reminder that she’s not here, that I’m alone.”
Azriel pressed kisses across her shoulder as he considered his next words. “You know you aren’t alone, right? Not anymore and never again. You have Nesta and Emerie, Feyre and Mor, and my brothers. And me. Always me.”
Gwyn’s heart skipped a beat, melting into the love she felt for this man. “I know. But just knowing I’ll never see her again, that you’ll never get to meet her or know her. And I’ll never get to see what she would have made of her life. Or whether she would be proud of me.”
Azriel’s arms tightened around her. “Gwyn. From all you’ve told me about her, and from all I’ve seen of you, there is no way in any universe that Catrin wouldn’t be boundlessly proud of you.” He paused as he stroked her hair. “How can I help make anything easier for you?”
Gwyn rested her chin on his chest so that she could look at him, and he wiped a tear from her cheek. “Have you…have you ever lost someone you cared about?”
His eyes closed for a long moment before he let out a deep breath and looked at her, pain filling his hazel eyes. “Yes. Rhys’ sister…my sister…she died when she was young. She was killed in an accident alongside Rhys’ mother, who had adopted Cassian and me when we were boys.”
“Az,” Gwyn gasped. “I had no idea.”
“It’s not your fault, baby. I don’t like talking about it because even after all these years, it aches like it happened yesterday. I know how it feels, Gwyn; like losing a limb. It still hurts, some days worse than others. And I am sorry that this is one of the things we share. I would do anything to bring Catrin back for you.”
“My love,” Gwyn whispered, placing a gentle kiss against his lips. “I’m so sorry. You know I’m always here to listen if you want to talk about them.”
Azriel’s hand held the back of her neck as he pressed his forehead against hers, gently nudging her nose with his until she giggled softly. “I know. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
They lay in silence for a moment, holding each other before Azriel spoke. “How would you like to spend the day?”
“Could we just…have a quiet day? Together? Just lounge around and kiss and not make this day anything out of the ordinary? And maybe…I can tell you more about Catrin.”
The smile Azriel gave her made her heart race. “That sounds like my favorite kind of day. And I would love to hear more about your sister. Though we do have dinner plans, just the two of us, that I hope you won’t mind.”
Gwyn smiled back. “Of course. Thank you. And sorry for being weird about all this.”
Azriel shook his head. “Not weird, baby. I understand. You’ve come so far in so many ways, but you don’t have to push anything. It’s your birthday, you make the rules. Plus, asking me to hang around and kiss you all day? Sounds like it’s my birthday.”
Gwyn’s cheeks flushed as she laughed. Azriel flashed her a grin before he flipped them over, him now hovering above her as she lay flat on her back. Their physical contact still had not moved far beyond fierce kissing that left them both gasping for breath, but sometimes when Azriel demonstrated his incredible strength, or shot her a particular look, or expressed how much he loved her, she couldn’t help the want she felt for him, spreading through her body like honey. She just didn’t know where to begin; though that would have to be a thought for another time.
“If you keep looking at me like that,” Azriel said, his voice gravelly as his eyes darkened, “I’m going to have to keep you here all day, and we will definitely miss dinner.”
Gwyn bit her lip in an attempt to hide her smile. “Good.”
Azriel’s smile turned slightly wicked as he lowered himself a bit more, enough so that she felt completely surrounded and protected by his warmth, and could wrap her arms around his neck. “Stop trying to seduce me, Gwyneth Berdara. I am a gentleman.”
Her laugh burst from her chest nearly as rapidly as the blush spread across her cheeks. Azriel chuckled before covering her mouth with his own, stealing her focus from her worries and dragging her back down to earth, exactly how she wanted to spend the first morning of her twenty-ninth year.