Work Text:
Standing at the gate
I come here every day
Just to see your face
Just to hear you say
There's no need to wait
We will be okay
'Cause finally there's a way
To be both free and safe
You’re dreaming, Hop. This is a dream.
It was the only thought that came to Hopper’s mind as he stared at the familiar outline before him, because it had to be, it couldn’t be, there was no way she was here. His daughter was far away, living in Hawkins, safe, learning to be a normal kid. She was long haired and laughing, face dimple creased and joyful. It had been the hope he had clung to every night, freezing cold and aching from the blows his captors swung at him, because to believe anything else would be too painful, too terrifying to accept.
But now, here in this dingy prison, the shaven-headed form before him felt all too familiar - taller than he remembered, undoubtedly, but the resemblance was unmistakeable. He knew that shallow, frightened breathing all too well, knew those light footsteps from the way she’d creep about the cabin at night like a ghost, scared that her noise would upset him before she truly learned to trust him. The posture, rigidly upright and alert, betrayed someone who’d spent years abused and had to learn to be at ease. And that sweet, small skull, so fragile and exposed, could only belong to one person. He had spent many days and nights staring at the back of that head – in the moments when she’d rolled away to cower under the sheets those first few nights in his care, when he’d read books over her shoulder and watched her trying to sound out the words, in those calm evenings where she lay against his shoulder as they feel asleep by the light of the TV. Staring at it now, he felt transported to another time - gone were his visions of a curly haired, bright eyed girl dancing around her room, and back was the nightmarish image of abuse he had tried so hard to expel from his mind.
Reality suspended as he watched the form breathing heavily before him, trembling with exhaustion and adrenaline. She hadn’t yet spotted him, her face turned away from him to survey the carnage at her feet. He had heard screams as he’d crept down the corridor to search for an escape route, and thought little of it beyond imagining that maybe some demodogs had broken out of their cages to turn on their masters. Serves them right, he thought savagely, what did they expect forcing them to fight? But looking at the bodies splayed on the floor, eyes vacant and horror struck, and seeing the blood spattered on her hospital gown, there was no doubting what – or who - had caused the chaos. Her hands were shaking, and he could feel the shaking in his own.
He knew he had to say something, knew that something would have to break the spell. If this was all a dream, he’d have to wake up eventually – no point delaying the inevitable. He swallowed courage and took a shaky breath.
‘…El?’
His voice croaked weakly, disbelieving, rusted from lack of use, but it must have been loud enough to reach her as she instantly froze where she stood. She stiffened, caught like Bambi in the headlights, barely seeming to breath. The fluorescent lights flickered, unnatural and ominous, and Hopper wondered if maybe he’d stopped breathing too. Maybe I’m dead, he mused. Maybe I’ve finally lost my mind. Time itself seemed to stand still. Then slowly, oh so slowly, the person before him turned, and there was no way he could pretend his daughter was safe in Hawkins now.
‘..Dad?’
And just like that, he felt the earth drop beneath him. It was as if he had been grabbed by the throat, had his lungs pulled from his body, because if she was here, truly here, then every dream he’d had of her safety and comfort had been an illusion.
‘Oh my God…’
‘DAD!’
And she was charging at him, and before he even knew what his body was doing he was floating, drifting to meet her halfway, and she was leaping into his arms, and to hold her up was all he could do not to break down where he stood. She wrapped her limbs around him in a vice-like grip, and he could feel himself gripping her back just as tightly, trying to catch up with the realisation that the weight in his arms couldn’t possibly be an illusion. She was sobbing, howling like a wounded animal, her tears on his shoulder a tidal wave that crashed against his heart. Vaguely, he knew he must’ve been crying too from the wetness on his face, but it was as if he was floating outside himself. She was clinging to him like a life raft, her nails digging in hard enough to break the skin, and he felt thankful for the sensation for rooting him back into his body.
‘You’re real.’ He could feel himself saying it over and over, like a mantra, or a prayer, each utterance an affirmation that he wasn’t dead after all. She’s real, she’s real, she’s real. He could feel how bony her frame was, how light she felt in his arms. His stomach flipped - how long could she have been here to get in that state?
More to assure himself of his sanity than anything else, he felt himself pulling back to look at her face properly, up close and illuminated in the fluorescent, cold lights. ‘Let me look at you,’ he breathed, freeing a hand to cradle the back of her head, and she followed his lead, leaning back in his embrace to fix her eyes on his own. She was all sharp angles and cheekbones, wide eyes sunken and exhausted. He knew he probably looked the same, and he shuddered to think of what she may have gone through to look this way. He rubbed his thumb back and forth along her scalp in the way he knew she found comforting, fingernails scratching lightly at the bristles of her shorn head, and she answered by placing her small delicate hands on either side of his face, as if she too needed confirmation that he was real.
‘I tried to find you.’ She gripped his head tightly, forcing him to look in her watery eyes, desperate to make him understand. ‘I tried e-every night, every single night, but my…m-my powers were gone, and I couldn’t, I-I c-couldn’t -’ She dissolved once again into floods of tears, hiccupping erratically, inconsolable. ‘I d-didn’t know that you were here, I didn’t –‘
‘No, baby, no, this isn’t on you.’ He shushed softly, wiping furiously at her tears that were streaming too fast for him to catch. ‘It wasn’t your job to find me.’
‘B-but I could have found you sooner, could have saved you…’
Those big brown eyes fixed on him, and he could feel the sickness in him rising when he realised the emotion that was radiating from them. Guilt. The familiar feeling of self-loathing reared its ugly head to taunt him. You don’t deserve her love, or her guilt, the voice in his head cried out. Not when you left her alone in the world.
‘No, El. There’s nothing you could’ve done, OK?’ His voice was thick, heart hammering. He had to make her understand, but she just shook her head, whimpering softly as she buried her face back into his shoulder, disconsolate. ‘Hey, look at me. Listen.’ His free hand moved from her scalp to her chin, gently forcing her face up to him. Her wide orbs were oceans of grief. ‘None of this was your fault.’
‘I thought you were dead.’ Her words were whispered like she was confessing a betrayal, and his heart sank as the true meaning of those words sank in. He had grieved what he had lost through his capture, bereft at the thought he may never see her again, but at least he had been able to find some comfort believing that she was alive and free. With every swing of his hammer out in the icy tundra, he had warmed himself at the thought of her living safely in the Byers house. Joyce - beautiful and patient and loving - would coax out all the softness and sweetness in El that he hadn’t been able to quite reach. She would devote her full attention to her, and El would blossom under her patient tutelage and guidance. He imagined El bonding with Will over comic books and drawing together, could picture Jonathan gifting her mix tapes and animatedly talking about his favourite albums. Hell, even the thought of Mike being constantly glued to her side no longer irked him – it was a comfort he could cling to, knowing she’d never be alone ever again. She would be encircled by love, forever protected and cherished.
Looking at her now, he realised with cold clarity that El had never been afforded that same comfort that he had enjoyed, had never been allowed to imagine a reality in which Hopper was somewhere else, living and healthy and safe. Sheltered and innocent as she had been in the Lab, she had never known true loss. Learning the truth of her mother’s fate had hurt El deeply, but he knew that it calmed her to know that Terry was still living and being taken care of by her Aunt Becky. Her heart had ached with the separation from Mike and the others in her year of seclusion in his cabin, but even then she had at least been able to tap into her powers to find her friends in the Void, drawing strength and comfort from them from afar. There was no comfort to be found in this situation. A continent away from him and with no powers to find him, she would have been lost to true grief for the first time, without him there to comfort and guide her. To think that he could be the cause of that kind of pain only made it worse.
Her bottom lip trembled as he silently processed her admission. He could feel his heart cracking, unable to find the words, knowing in that moment there was nothing he could say that would fix it. No words could ever bring back the time they had lost, nor heal her wounds. Anything said would be hollow, ineffective, pointless. Instead, all he could do was stare into her anguished eyes, trying desperately to communicate all he couldn’t say, before slowly pulling her back into his embrace.
Holding her head to his neck, he wordlessly gave her permission to cry, and she gave in. It was a gesture of solidarity - I understand, I know your pain, I’ve been in that cave too – as much as an offer of comfort. It was something that had always calmed Sara when she was little. She would wake in the night and he would rise to meet her, pressing her sweet chubby cheek to his throat. He remembered her soft breaths under his ear, could sense how his pulse calmed her, how the steady rhythm of his heartbeat lulled her into a place of peace. He would time his breaths, measured and slow, and she would follow his lead, floating on the edge of sleep until she finally succumbed to it. Hopper knew this small gesture wouldn’t be enough for El, couldn’t even come close to fixing the holes in her heart after the ordeal she’d been through, but it was all he could offer. He imagined a promise snaking its way through his veins and willed El to feel it, growing stronger with every passing heartbeat. I’m not going anywhere. I’m never going to leave you alone again.
‘I’m sorry Kid,’ he breathed softly, finally feeling he could break the silence. He wasn’t even sure what he was apologising for. Sorry for leaving you. Sorry you suffered. Sorry I can’t make this better. ‘I’m so, so sorry.’
El shuddered in his arms, shook her head, refusing to accept his words. ‘No.’ Always so stubborn. ‘I’m sorry.’ she whispered. She lifted her face up, tear stained and heartbroken, but at least visibly calmer. They stared into each others eyes, and he sensed that there were many things she too wanted to say to him, but couldn’t find the words to express. They had always been similar in that way, even before everything that had happened. This would just have to be one more thing they had to figure out how to talk about one day.
‘I’m here now,’ he murmured. ‘I’m alive, and you found me.’ Finally, against all odds, a glorious hint of a smile on her face. It was so small it could almost be missed, but Hopper would recognise that small spark in her eye anywhere. He leaned into it. ‘You found me. Kid.’ At last, a grin – dazzling and vibrant, and he couldn’t help but match it with his own. She laughed through her tears, and he let out a disbelieving laugh of his own at his unbelievable luck.
Suddenly, he could hear commotion in the distance, guards yelling and barking orders not far from their location. El stiffened in his arms, immediately alert and on edge, eyes darting around to find the threat. He could feel the soldier within him taking charge. We’re too exposed, this isn’t safe. He needed to get her out of here, and fast. Like Hell was he letting them turn her into a lab rat again.
‘We have to move. Can you walk?’
She fixed her gaze on him and nodded firmly, eyes still watery but blazing with conviction. He could almost smile if the situation weren’t so tense - that’s my girl – but instead he nodded back in what he hoped was a comforting way and gently placed her back on the ground. El swayed slightly as she landed, causing his heart to lurch and has arm to shoot out to steady her, but she quickly righted herself and took a deep breath, steeling herself for whatever was to come. He made a mental note to let her sleep for days when their safety would allow for it, complete with all the Eggos she could stomach until she was strong again. He grabbed her hand, unwilling to take any chances. ‘Stay close to me,’ he murmured, and from the way she clung to his arm, she clearly didn’t need to be told twice.
The two of them crept quickly but quietly down the hallway, brimming with energy and on high alert, being careful not to draw any attention to themselves. It didn’t escape Hopper’s notice how El stiffened against him as they carefully picked their way through the bodies of the guards, littered across the floor in a bloodied mass. He quickly squeezed her small, shaking hand and pulled her away, hoping to God that she didn’t look back.
Sirens and alarms blared out seemingly from all directions, deafening and constant. Flashing lights bounced off the cool, slick linoleum floors and danced in their eyes, throwing their bruises and scars into stark new shapes. He imagined they must have looked like some B-movie creatures from the deep in that moment – both pulled from the depths, eyes still adjusting to the light, ragged, strange and terrifying. Their hot quick breaths puffed out in quick plumes, and with the growing chill in the air Hopper felt the swell of hope in his chest. Where there’s cold air, there’s an exit. Where there’s an exit, there’s freedom.
They turned a corner to find their prayers answered, as a large hole had been blown in the wall at the very end of the corridor, seemingly from some kind of explosion. Hopper wondered vaguely if this had been the cause of the distraction that had allowed him to slip away from the guards unnoticed in the first place, and he thanked his lucky stars for whoever or whatever had given them this chance. Snow was blowing through the hole softly, tauntingly, swirling in the moonlight and whispering promises of freedom, and Hopper felt its pull.
He stepped forward towards their salvation, but a little hand pulled him back sharply. ‘No.’ It was the first word she’d said in a long time - soft, yet authoritative. Scarily so for one so young. ‘Eyes.’
‘Eyes?’ He scanned their surroundings for any signs of life but couldn’t find any. ‘Where?’
El shook her head and jutted her chin forward, beckoning towards the ceiling. Oh. A camera was trained on the corridor, just tucked out of sight, swivelling back and forth in the hunt for prey. How had he missed that? Before he even had a chance to come up with an action plan the camera sparked into flames, crumpled in on itself and fell to the floor, shattering into pieces. He turned to see El wiping the blood from her nose, and he grinned. ‘Nice job, Kid.’ She rewarded him with that soft smirk he loved so much, and they pushed on towards the moonlight.
The world was quiet, too quiet, but Hopper felt too blinded by hope to care. This had to be the way out, there was no way he could turn back now. As he rounded the corner he imagined himself and El running through the snow, gulping in the fresh air with a wide open world before them. What he didn’t expect was a troop of armed guards on the other side of the wall, all with guns trained on their heads.
All it took was a moment of distraction. As his eyes desperately roved around to find some means of escape, he could feel El being torn from his grasp. She gasped, hands scrabbling for purchase on his shirt before being wrenched back, and he turned back to see a guard grabbing her by the waist and hoisting her away. Her legs kicked helplessly, and she screamed like her life depended on it.
‘No! Dad! DAD!’
‘GET OFF OF HER!’
Hopper was roaring, a wild beast unchained, and he lunged towards her captors in righteous fury. He reached out to El, fingers inches away, but before he could grasp her outstretched hand the guards from the other side of the wall descended, grabbing him roughly and pulling him back. Enraged, he kicked and pulled as hard as he could against their grasp, El struggling and crying out all the while. After a struggle he managed to free one arm and swiftly used the momentum to turn and punch the guard who still held him, his fist colliding with a dull and powerful thud that instantly felled his assailant. At last free, Hopper seized his chance and surged forward, laser focused on reaching El. He was close, so close, when suddenly -
Bang. The butt of a rifle collided with his temple with a sickening crunch, and he sank to his knees, the shock and surge of nausea overwhelming his senses. Stars burst with a thousand colours in his eyes, and the last thing he heard before the world faded to black was his daughter’s chilling scream. He felt his body fly back as if hit by a shockwave, and he embraced oblivion.