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'It's raining, why is it always raining when I'm involved?' That was Kaeya's first thought before Diluc started speaking.
"I can't believe I trusted you, traitor! Was this your plan all along!?" Kaeya remembered the words Diluc shouted in the rain. How could he forget them? His once brother was furious, and Kaeya was the one on the receiving end of it.
Diluc had his claymore drawn, hair wet and slicked back by the pouring rain. His eyes held anger and hate, his furrowed eyebrows and deep frown only made his expression that much scarier.
"A worthless traitor is all that you are! And I'm going to end you right here, right now! Draw your sword so we can fight!" Diluc's pyro vision glowed softly, a sign that Diluc was ready to call forth his flames any minute now.
Kaeya drew his sword without a word, and as soon as he did the redhead charged at him with full force.
Kaeya had expected anger after revealing the truth to his sworn brother, but not this, not a fight to the death, not losing his last family. Could he even call Diluc his brother anymore? He wasn't sure.
A sword and a claymore clashed in battle. The sword defending. The claymore attacking.
Kaeya hoped that Diluc would run out of energy or that he would notice how close he was to killing Kaeya on the spot.
Kaeya began to accept the fact that he lost his second family, and that he might lose his life as well.
In that moment the air became colder, as a light started to shine in the Khaenri'an's hand. The light then revealed a cryo vision.
He wanted to laugh at the fact. The moment he accepted his fate, the Archons stepped in and gave him their blessing.
Diluc was frozen in place, anger never leaving his face.
"Why... Why? Why would the Archons give you of all people a vision, you, a useless Khaenri'an scum. Couldn't they see that you'd be better off dead!?" The words that left the Ragnvindr's mouth hurt. Diluc really wanted him dead, huh?
Diluc, his sweet older brother, who would protect him from anything. Who would spend time with him. Cuddle him when he couldn't sleep or after he had a nightmare. The very same Diluc that just this morning promised that everything would be ok.
He wanted him dead.
Staring at the cold icy blue vision in his hand, Kaeya could only hear Diluc speak.
"I hope you are happy, you dirty sinner."
Kaeya was left all alone, wounded both physically and mentally, outside in the never-ending rain.
Diluc left, why? Kaeya didn't know. To find the people responsible for Crepus' death he assumed. Or maybe just so he wouldn't have to see the disgusting person that is Kaeya Alberich.
Diluc's hateful words played on repeat in Kaeya's head. His thoughts slowly consumed the longer he stayed in the winery. But that wasn't that much of a problem he found out. He still has a lot of work to do, because Varka, the Grandmaster, promoted him to Cavalry Captain of Ordo Favonius. The very same position his brother had before quitting and leaving everyone behind.
He didn't mind, the work keeping his mind preoccupied from the negative thoughts that lingered since that one night.
He tried to keep his mental health in check on his own, he told Jean and Lisa, the two who he trusted the most with information like this. He'd usually trust Diluc, but he was far away, and he was the cause. The pair made sure to help and be there for Kaeya, which he was very thankful for.
Eventually he missed the smell and the occasional taste of alcohol. Having sneaked into the wine cellar every once in a while with Diluc at the ripe age of 16 and 17, they have tasted alcohol before. Kaeya taking more interest in consuming it after Diluc stated that it "feels bad in my mouth".
For the first time in months, he visited Angel's Share. The atmosphere was cozy and warm. People drinking and laughing, talking about their day. He ordered a glass of Death After Noon, and then another, and another. Until the poor bartender Charles had to ask Noelle, who was helping out in the tavern, to escort him to the Headquarters where he resided on the library couch for the time being.
Jean scolded him, but Kaeya finally had something to look forward to after work. The buzz of the alcohol making his pain go numb, letting him enjoy the moment for at least a while.
So, while Jean wasn't happy with his new 'hobby', Kaeya was more than ready to head out to the tavern every night after work.
But as they all say, good things don't last long. As he visited the tavern more and more, his alcohol tolerance got higher. No longer feeling the nice and familiar buzz as easily.
Luckily, he found another distraction from his thoughts. He met a kid named Bennett, the poor boy was outside of Mondstadt walls trying, and failing, to defeat a few hillichurls. Kaeya ran to his rescue and the boy thanked him, and apologized.
“I’m sorry sir, I tried to fight them off but my attacks never land.” As he said this, Bennett’s head was looking down.
“Don’t apologize, it’s what I’m here for,” Kaeya said, trying to cheer him up, “if you want, I can try to teach you how to use the sword. From what I’ve seen, you’re not used to wielding a weapon, at least not correctly.” Kaeya would hardly mind, the boy tried his best, and with some training he could defend himself just fine. He was sure of it.
“R-Really? Thank you so much sir!” Bennett’s face lit up as if Kaeya gave him the best present of a lifetime. ‘He reminds me of Diluc, when we were younger’
And that’s how Kaeya ended up teaching Bennett after work or in his free time. In turn, Bennett told him about his bad luck, and how it “always ruins everything”, but also about Bennetts friends, Fischl and Razor. The small pyro wielder even introduced them, while Razor took a while to come around, the four of them got along wonderfully. He swore to himself that he’d protect them, even if he himself is going to end up dead.
Spending time with the trio of adventurers took his mind off of Diluc and the words he said to him, although Kaeya was always reminded of his older brother because of Bennett. His determination, energy, vision, even the way he smiled, it was all so similar to Diluc that it sometimes hurt.
Half a year later, another little troublemaker would spend the time with them. Another pyro vision wielder. A small child named Klee. Albedo, one of his co-workers, had said that Klee was left in his care, but due to his job being dangerous and boring for the little girl, Albedo asked if he could let Kaeya watch over her from time to time. Seeing as Kaeya spends a lot of time with kids, he thought Kaeya would be his best choice. And who is Kaeya to decline?
Klee, Bennett, Fischl and Razor got along very well, Klee and Razor especially. The wolf boy being like her big brother at times, making sure she’s alright after they encountered danger or if she accidentally fell, going as far as carrying her on his back. It was honestly adorable.
And when they ran out of safe things to do outside, or when the kids weren’t feeling like going far. Kaeya would take them to his favorite place, the stables.
Kaeya spent a lot of time in the stables, especially when he was first promoted to being the Cavalry Captain. He loves spending the time with horses, for the longest time he was the one who personally took care of them. Cleaning the stables, taking the horses for a walk so they could burn their energy, feeding them, brushing them. Going as far as sleeping in the stables if he was truly tired.
He tried to not pick favorites but a certain white mare caught his eye, she was elegant and usually his first choice if he had to go somewhere on horseback. She liked him as well, demanding pets and letting him sleep in her stable, sometimes staring at the knights who came to fetch Kaeya so they’d leave.
Being so close to the horses Kaeya knew that they wouldn’t harm the kids. Sure, they might be afraid of Razor since he smelled like a wolf, but nothing he couldn’t handle. He let the kids pet, brush and feed the horses. One time he even took them outside Mondstadt walls, the kids riding on their horses (Klee with Razor) and Kaeya holding the reigns, guiding them through a safe path he cleared out the day prior.
Everything seemed to be perfect, no longer did he think about the cruel words his once sworn brother said to him. He was finally happy.
Until one rainy evening. Everyone else was already home, except for a certain blue-haired man.
After three years, Diluc Ragnvindr came back. No longer was it the young boy, whose smile could light up anyone’s mood. This man didn’t smile, an everlasting frown present on his face. His eyes were still filled with a slight warmth seeing Mondstadt. He was wearing a midnight black coat, certainly something Kaeya didn’t remember Diluc having, must be new.
‘Maybe, we could make up, right? I made a mistake before but I can fix it, right?’ Kaeya thought, going to the red-haired man.
But it was a mistake.
The red eyes turned cold as soon as they fell on the Cavalry Captain, frown changing into a scowl, eyebrows furrowed. If expressions could kill, Kaeya would be dead on the pavement now.
But he pressed on, not giving up yet.
“Diluc, welcome ba-“ but he was cut off.
“What are you still doing here?” Just like his eyes, his voice held no warmth. Kaeya started to regret his decision.
“Diluc, c’mon, let’s go somewhere private and talk about all this, I missed you.” Kaeya meant it, he hoped the other believed him.
“Talk? I don’t want to talk to you. I’m surprised to see a traitorous scum like you still here. Have you not realized that there’s no place for you here?” No please.
“Why are you quiet all of a sudden? I thought you wanted to talk, then talk, or have you hoped I forgot your sins?” No more, please…
Diluc scoffed “you’re just as pathetic as when I left,” and then he left.
It was hard to see in such rainy weather.
Diluc couldn’t see the tears leaving the starry eye even if he wanted to, even if he cared.
But that was the least of Kaeya’s problems. Sure, their first meeting wasn’t ideal, but he can still fix this, right? Of course, he can… he has to.
Kaeya left the streets and went to his small house he was able to afford with his Cavalry Captain salary. He wiped his tears away and smiled.
“Surely, I can fix this. Maybe he was just tired or… or in a bad mood! Yes, that’s it, surely the road back wasn’t easy and he came only for a quick look around.” He has to hope. Please, let him hope.
‘Traitor’
‘Scum’
‘Useless’
Ah, here are the thoughts he tried to escape.
‘Maybe a glass of wine will help… or a bottle,’ Kaeya thought as he went to is kitchen and got out a bottle of wine he bought. It was a few days old, he got it before meeting up with the kids. The thought of that day made him smile. The five of them went to the lake near Springvale to get Calla Lilies, Sucrose asked for them, saying that her supply ran out.
Opening the bottle, Kaeya started drinking until he was done with the bottle, drowning his thoughts in alcohol.
If you had asked Kaeya Alberich how he felt, he’d reply with a typical ‘fine’. If you could read his thoughts, you’d find out that he was, in fact, not fine. The self-hatred has not only affected his mental state once again, but in the past few weeks his physical state has changed as well. No longer was he filled with energy and life, quick on his feet, up early in the morning ready to help anyone and everyone. It seemed like that man no longer existed.
In his place was a tired and messy man, waking up in the late afternoon with his cheeks starting to sink in. Despite having a cryo vision he seemed to be shivering as if he was cold.
No one noticed this change as it was happening, but it was oh so obvious now.
Getting up was a task Kaeya didn’t like. It signaled the late start of another painful day. He’s been getting dizzy lately, with a lot of headaches. Normally he’d blame it on the alcohol, but something told him that wasn’t it. Well, it didn’t matter. Getting up and putting on his uniform was as quick as it could have been in his sleepy state. He didn’t care how messy he looked, how oily and matted his hair was or how his uniform seemed slightly bigger on him, being only held in place with his belt and corset, which he had to tighten more than before.
The Cavalry Captain looked like death. But he didn’t care. He didn’t even notice.
‘See how everyone is looking at you? Bet they all hate you, who wouldn’t after all.’
‘So useless, you look like you’ll collapse any minute.’
‘Diluc was right all along you are just a traitor, they should all threat you like one.’
‘It would be better is you’d I’d just die, it’s not like anyone would miss you me.’
The days were a blur to Kaeya, no longer was he permitted to go out on missions, Jean, now The Acting Grandmaster, wouldn’t allow it. Spending his time with the horses was impossible as Varka took them all for an expedition 5 days ago. He remembered what the Grandmaster said to him.
“Kaeya, I know how attached you are to our horses. And I know you won’t like this. But I need them for my expedition, for me and the knights coming with me. You aren’t one of those knights, I’m worried about you, and I don’t want you to go outside of Mondstadt until you get yourself together.”
He couldn’t even spend time with the kids. Well, he could, but why would he. They seemed to enjoy being around Diluc, and who was he to ruin their time with him?
‘Even they wouldn’t miss you me.’
Who would miss him actually?
Jean? No, she would just be stressed about all the work he’d leave behind.
Lisa perhaps? No, they occasionally talk, but nothing more.
Albedo? They rarely see each other, the Alchemist is always on Dragonspine, or locked in his lab.
Eula? She looks like she hates him, she’s not the only one.
Bennett? Fischl? Razor? Klee? They’d hopefully just forget about him.
The maids and butlers in at The Winery? He doubts it, he hasn’t been there since Diluc nearly killed him. They probably forgot about him anyways.
Diluc? That would be a cruel joke. No, Diluc would definitely not miss him.
He didn’t know when he arrived at the Headquarters, or in his office, or when he sat down. But here he is. Sitting in his chair, looking at his desk, knowing that if he died, no one would possibly care.
His headache only worsened as he read the countless papers on his desk. But he decided to get through most of them.
‘It’s the only way I’m useful anyways. I want to bother Jean as little as possible.’
Kaeya didn’t remember much after that, just work and papers. Then nothing. Until he woke up that is.
‘Can’t even do my job right, I really am useless… damn it.’
Only then did he hear something fall on the floor behind him. A blanket.
‘Great, I’m only adding up on someone’s work. Probably to our poor Noelle, she always was an angel after all.’
Seeing the moon shine from the windows in his office, Kaeya decided to leave. His steps were slow, unsure, as if he would collapse. But despite that he waved off anyone who offered to help him.
“I’m alright, just my legs are tired from sitting in that chair all day, haha.”
Without waiting for a response, he let his feet guide him. That’s how he ended up in Angel’s Share, drinking Death After Noon in the dark corner of the tavern. Kaeya couldn’t complain, after all, alcohol always seemed to make him happier, made him forget his own thoughts for a moment.
His time in the tavern passed by, even if no one talked to him, not even Diluc as he asked for another drink, he still felt happier. But the glares Diluc sent him every once in a while, weren’t unnoticed, but he didn’t question them. Why would he? Even intoxicated he knew Diluc didn’t want him there, or anywhere in Mondstadt.
He woke up to someone shaking him by his shoulder, has he fell asleep again?
“Get out, we’re closed.”
Seems like it. He was just inconveniencing Diluc again.
“Ah, of course, I apologize Master Diluc.” As he said that he already got up, leaning on the wall near him.
Diluc looked like he wanted to say something, before he quickly closed his mouth, grabbed the empty glasses and went behind the counter.
‘Not even worthy of your words now? I don’t blame you for that.’ Kaeya smiled sadly to himself before wordlessly leaving the tavern.
The cold air made Kaeya shiver more, why was he shivering? Who knows?
As he got to his small flat his stomach let out a small growl. Ah, that’s right, he hasn’t eaten anything today, has he.
‘It’s not like I’m too hungry, just a bit. I’ll just eat more tomorrow.’
With that thought, Kaeya made 2 of his special Fruity Skewers.
With the quiet of him eating, came back the awful thoughts he embraced a second time in his life.
‘I should just die, quickly, just sleep and never wake up… such a nice thought.’
‘Even me eating is just wasting resources others could’ve used.’
‘Everyone will be better off if I died.’
Kaeya embraced those thoughts, like many similar ones to them, like one would embrace a loved one. Because Kaeya didn’t have a loved one. Not anymore, he didn’t deserve one.
Would they even notice he’s gone? That he didn’t show up to work? Well, it’s not like he gets much work done anyway. Would Diluc notice that Kaeya didn’t come for a drink? He’d probably be happy if anything.
‘Yes, that’s right, I’m just in everyone’s way, I should die.’
‘But I can’t do it here, and I can’t leave stains, I don’t want to trouble them even after death.’
The man went into his bathroom. He remembered something.
‘They should be somewhere here…’
Looking around the small bathroom, opening cabinets, moving things to see if there was anything behind them.
‘Here they are!’
Kaeya took out a bottle. He commissioned Albedo once in the past. He had trouble sleeping because of his nightmares and needed something to make him fall asleep without trouble. As always, Albedo did not disappoint.
The instructions written on the bottle with Albedo’s handwriting said, “1 or 2 pills maximum for a full night sleep, you said you have nightmares that wake you up, these should help. Taking more could result in sleeping the entire day and more depending on the dose.”
He’d have to disappoint Albedo, but he won’t follow those instructions. But not tonight, no, he has to make sure that he will trouble everyone else as little as possible. So tomorrow it is. Tomorrow everyone will be finally happy.
The day finally came. Even as he woke up, he was smiling.
‘They will all be happy, I know they will.’
For Kaeya, it was a beautiful day, he even woke up a bit earlier! Even if it was raining, the dark clouds shielding the Sun from view, Kaeya couldn’t help but smile.
Slowly walking to the Headquarters, like every day. Even if he felt dizzy, even if he still continued to shiver. Nothing could ruin this day.
He sat in his chair and worked. The thoughts weren’t negative anymore, they encouraged him, so he could make everyone happy.
‘Don’t fall asleep, I have to finish this so Jean can be happy.’
‘I’m doing this for everyone.’
‘A nonexistent sacrifice for happiness.’
It took a few hours, but all the paperwork was finally dealt with. Now it was his daily visit to the tavern.
The walk was slow, his body wanting to fail him as if he took his medicine already. But Kaeya pushed on. Sitting on a stool in front of the bar, he hasn’t sat there in a long time.
‘And I won’t ever again after today.’
Diluc looked at him as he smiled, all the smiles today were sincere, not the fake ones he used to force himself into.
“One Death After Noon, please!”
There was hesitation in Diluc’s eyes for a moment before complying with his request.
After 3 drinks it was easy to say that Kaeya was at least tipsy. Everyone already went home for the night. Now it was Diluc’s time to talk.
“Kaeya, what’s wrong with you?” What was that in Diluc’s voice? It didn’t matter.
“What do you mean Master Diluc? I’m perfectly fine!” He couldn’t help but smile more at his own words.
‘Yes, perfectly fine, everything will be perfectly fine. I’ll make sure of it.’
“Perfectly fine? You’re skin and bone!” Were those tears in his eyes? Did he upset him?
“Master Diluc, I assure you, everything is fine.”
“You look like you’re dying Kaeya!” Yes, there were tears, and now they were freely rolling down his used-to-be sworn brothers’ cheeks.
Kaeya couldn’t help himself, without thinking, a genuine question left his mouth.
“Then why aren’t you happy?”
Diluc froze, his eyes wide, mouth agape in shock.
‘Ah, I made a mistake, I’ll make it right, don’t you worry.’
“It seems that I overstayed my visit, after all, the tavern closes around this time, doesn’t it? Everyone is gone anyway.” He said getting up and leaving Mora on the counter. He hopes it’s enough, it’s all he had on himself.
“Kaeya…”
“Goodnight, Master Diluc.”
The walk home was quiet. The rain but a drizzle now. Truly a perfect weather for him to depart.
Getting to his home, he didn’t bother with food, quickly cleaning up what little he could manage.
‘It’s time.’
Walking to the bathroom, he got the bottle of medicine and took it to the bedroom.
‘This is it.’
A soft smile made it on Kaeya’s face.
‘Finally, peace and happiness.’
Opening the bottle, he poured the medicine that was left in the bottle, about 11 pieces.
‘I hope it will be enough.’
Looking out of his window, Kaeya swallowed all of the medicine and laid in his bed. His eye closed, his breathing slowly slowed until he was asleep.
By the next morning, his breathing stopped fully. Kaeya’s chest didn’t rise anymore. His heart didn’t beat anymore. But the soft smile never left his face.
‘He better be alright.’ Diluc couldn’t sleep that night. His night was plagued with the conversation he had with Kaeya.
Headed to Jean’s office, Diluc marched in and didn’t care what anyone said to him.
He long noticed the state Kaeya had been in. He wanted to ask the man what was wrong, if he could help, but he wasn’t sure if Kaeya has forgiven him for what happened all those years ago.
He wasn’t the only one who noticed, 4 kids went to ask him every day if Kaeya was doing better. They were worried for him. Saying that he looks sad and tired all the time.
“Jean” He couldn’t hold back, this was his brother, he had to check up on him.
“Master Diluc? What are you doing here? Is something wrong?” Diluc felt slightly bad, Jean looked worked to the bone.
“Is Kaeya here? I would like to check up on him.”
“Kaeya? I don’t think he came into work yet, he must have slept in. It’s concerning, but it wouldn’t be the first time. If you want to check up on him, he’s probably at his place.” It was clear that Jean was also worried about the man, they were close friends after all. It must have been hard seeing him like this.
“I’ll go check there then. Thank you.” Without waiting for a response, he hurried to his new destination.
Diluc didn’t know why, but he felt that something was very wrong.
As he arrived in front of his brother’s door he first knocked.
“Kaeya, open up, it’s me, Diluc.”
But there was no response. Diluc’s gut told him to hurry and get inside, make sure he’s okay.
He tried knocking a few more times, eventually using the spare key under Kaeya’s rug. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d use it. If Kaeya got too drunk to go home on his own, Diluc would task himself with getting Kaeya home. He didn’t want anything to happen to the younger.
Opening the door, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Things were clean, mostly in their place.
‘Maybe he truly only slept in.’
He hoped. He entered the bedroom. And there he was, his brother, Kaeya.
’He looks peaceful.’
Diluc would be relieved. But something seemed wrong. Kaeya was still, too still.
Then he noticed it. The bottle, his unmoving chest.
Rushing to Kaeya’s side, Diluc shook him. But the other had no response.
“Kaeya? Kaeya! Wake up! Wake up, please!” He was crying, but that didn’t matter.
“C’mon Kaeya! Get up!” But the other had no response.
The Cavalry Captain’s body was cold, too cold for a living human.
Diluc broke down, holding Kaeya close.
‘No, no, why, Kaeya.’
Word spread quickly around Mondstadt,
and soon,
‘Why didn’t I help him?’ Jean thought as she watched the casket be lowered into the ground.
everyone grieved over the loss.
‘I’m sorry I failed you brother.’ Diluc thought as he held the dull cryo vision in his hand.
Some, grieved more than the others.