Chapter Text
Using quite the brisk steps for someone who has claimed to have a leisurely evening ahead of him, Chu Wanning fled the office like flames were licking against the heels of his shoes.
His abilities truly allowed him quite a lot of freedom. Not many had the option to skimp out on dinners and after work get-togethers but Chu Wanning always claimed to be busy and no one has ever tried to refute his nonsense.
Today was different, however, and for the first time since he started his career, Chu Wanning did not think that he had been successful. He could feel someone following him and was scared who they were or what they wanted.
Choosing between turning around and telling the person off or ignoring it completely, Chu Wanning decided to go with the first one, whirling around with impeccable grace for someone who appeared to be livid.
The problem was, Chu Wanning saw not a singular familiar face and no one was rushing towards him to hold him back. Furrowing his brows even deeper, Chu Wanning picked up his pace again and as nonchalantly as one could, he technically ran all the way to catch the train under the pressuring notion that he was being watched.
By the time he reached his apartment’s courtyard, he could no longer tell if he has gotten paranoid or someone was still following him—he locked his door and decided to forget it has ever happened.
*
The very next day, it happened all over again.
And the one after that—the next following behind and so it went on and on like that until it almost became the norm. Chu Wanning did not rush too badly anymore, just his usual pace and decided that he might need some rest and probably no one was watching him leave work—why would they?!
*
That held up nicely for almost a month when Chu Wanning’s keys disappeared from his office desk. He was beyond fuming, hitting his keyboard with unnecessary amounts of force to find someone who will change the locks for him so he will be able to enter his home.
He did not even have the face to accuse anyone working around him, seeing that he kept a rather unique order—that some may call an absolute disaster—in which something could easily get misplaced.
Such has never happened before though, Chu Wanning knew where he put his things—always!
That did not explain how his keys found their way back onto his desk before he was to rush off, this time actually having to go in order to be at his place before the worker.
Poking the keys dubiously, Chu Wanning knew that he has not lost his mind—not quite yet, but decided to ignore the whole thing.
Writing it off as someone knocking it off and misplacing the set, Chu Wanning called the man to inform that he no longer needed his services. The shadow, that Chu Wanning still felt but no longer tried to locate, smiled at his departure from the company, eyes trailing over every last movement Chu Wanning has made.
*
Chu Wanning’s morning commute was always the same and he went to work before rush hour and left the company after to be efficient at his work and avoid the bulk of the masses. Thus it was not very common for someone to be plastered against his back like there would not be an inch of space anywhere else on the entire train.
Conversely, that was exactly what has happened on one morning. Chu Wanning was standing at the back of the car, only a few people lingering in seats farther ahead of him, the door was behind him leading to the compartment that held the main doors to board so he thought the person who entered would walk right past him and take a seat like any normal person would.
Instead of doing so, the person stopped right behind him.
Chu Wanning took two seconds to mull over his options and decided to move himself. Just as he took his hand off the bar and started to turn, arms came up around him and he had been caged within them by a stranger.
Going stiff, Chu Wanning’s muscles pulled taut as he started seeing red and was about commit murder when his eyes flickered over the hand watch on the man’s wrist. Freezing up from head to toe, Chu Wanning knew that watch, he has actually made it himself, even if the wearer was unaware of such fact, seeing that he hated Chu Wanning’s guts—he has never shared his part in the making of such gift.
Having no idea as to what he wanted, Chu Wanning stayed very still and instead of getting an answer, he heard a small chuckle. Like his reaction was not what was expected or acceptable under such circumstances.
No less furious than before, Chu Wanning grabbed the handrails again and decided to pretend that Mo Ran was not a few centimetres from making absolute contact with the expense of his back.
Since Mo Ran had the audacity to be shocked over Chu Wanning’s reaction, he only felt it fair to have his own mind-numbingly dumb moment when Mo Ran’s left hand abandoned the bar beside Chu Wanning and placed itself against his waist.
They weren’t at a stop, he had no reason to be losing his balance but Chu Wanning decided to ignore the warning of that and allowed Mo Ran to steady himself—if only he would have pulled right back.
As his luck would have it, he did not. Mo Ran’s hand was large, bigger than his own one, and felt way too warm—heat rolling off of him and Chu Wanning thought that if he’d pull it off, the print of it would remain, burnt into his skin under the layers that separated them.
If anything—as if getting bolder by Chu Wanning’s patience, that he granted so sparingly—Mo Ran became more intrepid and Chu Wanning could not believe what he was feeling, turning his chin dumbly and staring at the hand that pulled his shirt out of his pants.
Two things battled for his attention. Firstly he thought that perhaps this was a side of Mo Ran he did not know about, a well-kept, hidden away habit that Mo Ran must have justified in some way but several things undermined that fleeing idea.
Mo Ran has always been rather precious. Back when he started, he was always around, just looking at Chu Wanning with his big, round eyes and deep dimples, so eager and kind to all. Since then he has matured a lot and became a lot more ambitious and cunning, granting his uncontrolled affection to no one anymore.
But mainly, he knew that this was not something that Mo Ran often engaged in because Mo Ran was not dumb—never has been and never will be. He had eyes and there was no way he could not tell apart a stranger and his direct superior.
No, Mo Ran had to be aware that he was shoving his hand into Chu Wanning’s clothes so he settled on his second idea which had to be some form of humiliation.
Mo Ran no longer masked his hatred, he acted professional but his original admiration towards Chu Wanning no longer existed, so the fact that he was doing this had to have some sort of ulterior motive.
Chu Wanning still refused to move as Mo Ran’s palm spread out over bare skin, scorching into his stomach. He just kept his gaze firmly on the hand, fingers clenching, as if to determine if this was actually happening—to confirm that his imagination has not suddenly gotten wild to betray him in such ways.
Still having no reaction, Mo Ran stepped closer until his chest touched Chu Wanning’s back, his other hand joining to cage Chu Wanning’s torso this time.
The two of them did not even know each other that well anymore.
Mo Ran has avoided him like the plague since he had been a young intern and since then Chu Wanning has not even as much as heard him talk so it was rather startling to have those lips touch the shell of his ear, murmuring lightly. “You really won’t stop me, I can do whatever I want?”
“...”
“What a slut.” Chu Wanning closed his eyes tightly, considering many options—mainly beating Mo Ran to death but in the end he just remained completely unmoving, stiff and cold no matter how much Mo Ran’s warmth rubbed over his sensitive skin.
Digits getting caught in his pants, Chu Wanning opened his mouth to send the other to hell but nothing came out. His fingers trembled ever so slightly so he hid them away, trying to come up with his next step—what was there for him to do? And how could he get away without facing Mo Ran?
“Fuck, you really are letting a complete stranger do this to you? How desperate are you?”
Chu Wanning’s mind got caught up on the stranger part and thought that perhaps—if it truly works like that, if they can just pretend and never actually acknowledge this, remaining strangers, then Chu Wanning had no reason to concern himself too deeply.
Before Mo Ran would have done more, they reached the next stop, the one before their company’s, and Mo Ran got off, leaving him there without another word or touch. Chu Wanning was almost frenetic with straightening out his clothes, for the first time remembering that absolutely anyone could have turned towards them throughout any of that nonsense.
When Chu Wanning passed Mo Ran’s table to go to a conference the next day, Mo Ran did not even look towards him.
Maybe they can just pretend after all—then it won’t be wrong to allow such, right?
*
Contrary to popular belief, Mo Ran did not bear any bad intentions and deep resentment towards Chu Wanning. He appreciated the man for what he was. A good teacher, fair superior and strict mentor.
The parts that got lost on some people were in their past. Back when Mo Ran first met Chu Wanning, he had been enthralled and who could have blamed him?! Chu Wanning was one of the most beautiful person he has ever seen and at first glance his nature seemed tender and kind.
Mo Ran was still capable to admit that Chu Wanning had always treated him well and it only deepened his admiration for the man. Mo Ran thought he saw Chu Wanning for what he was while others only allowed themselves to get stopped by the very first wall Chu Wanning has built to keep everyone at arm’s length.
That was until the fateful day where he was told by Shi Mei what Chu Wanning has said behind his back. How Chu Wanning dragged Mo Ran through the mud, claiming that he was unteachable and defiant by nature, beyond remedy.
He said so in front of all of his superiors, his team’s leader, his co-workers. Every colleague who worked with him up to that point and the higher-ups who were present just for evaluation. Mo Ran did not feel too strongly over his losses, how this will affect his career—no, he had his heart broken because those words were spoken by Chu Wanning.
They actually did not have the desired effect, there was another, smaller meeting where Xue ZhengYong was also present and he said that things had been settled and Mo Ran was safe—no one was going to fire him.
After signing his first proper contract, Mo Ran no longer went near Chu Wanning—avoiding him like he’d be no more than a ghost, not visible for average humans. Chu Wanning never reacted to the change in his demeanour, showing just how little Mo Ran has ever meant for him to begin with. They never discussed it further and for all he knew, Chu Wanning probably thought that Mo Ran was just trying to suck up to him for such an unreasonable and swift change in demeanour.
By the time Mo Ran turned twenty-six, they did not even greet each other, even though Chu Wanning was still his superior, he never directly asked anything of Mo Ran.
*
Lately he has not been doing well.
Mo Ran has always dealt with a couple of issues, one of which has started to take over him recently. Shi Mei's presence and kind nature used to help him a lot but he has decided to move—claiming to have a family emergency. That happened years ago and he was still yet to come back.
Having lived his life with certain obsessive traits, Mo Ran knew how to treat his own temper and had a doctor he has visited frequently and periodically. Lately his medication has started to act up, not doing a proper job at suppressing his desires so Mo Ran needed to start and experiment again.
He always listened to Tanlang—the man having earned Mo Ran’s trust, thus he did not concern himself over his recent behaviour.
The problem was definitely proximity. He used to have certain connections to his family—well mother specifically—and his devotion was not normal according to most. Poetically one could say he loved too deep, realistically Mo Ran was judged unstable.
This has not much affected him after his mother passed away. When Mo Ran started to transfer his feelings, he picked Shi Mei but he actually was very good at keeping a line. However, Shi Mei moved and Mo Ran realised that he was able to keep himself in his place because, unwittingly, he has long since shifted his focus to Chu Wanning—having never truly and deeply devoting himself to Shi Mei, not like that at least.
Shi Mei has interned with Mo Ran and Xue Meng under the man and Mo Ran always thought that towards Chu Wanning he only felt harmless, innocent admiration.
However, he learnt the hard way that he wanted more than that and then Chu Wanning threw him under the bus and Shi Mei moved days after that incident, leaving Mo Ran alone and miserable.
That was the start of something different taking over inside his mind, as if his pure feelings got tainted and he no longer cared for Chu Wanning’s value—he did not mind whether or not the man would be ruined if Mo Ran unleashed his emotions.
With years it has gotten better but it was constantly at the back of Mo Ran’s mind, thrumming like a constant low current of wanton desire. He no longer managed to take it out on casual hook-ups and as things got worse, he started to act less and less responsibly, following Chu Wanning with his eyes at work.
Then one day, he decided to do shopping but walked to the train stop instead of towards the mart—he just so happened to be walking behind Chu Wanning.
At first it had been completely mindless, Mo Ran just trailed after, like a stray puppy wanting to be fed until he realised that he tracked Chu Wanning to his apartment. Mo Ran reprimanded himself and immediately called Tanlang but could not stop the urge and rule over his mind so the next day he has done the same.
Things got worse and worse as they were trying to find the right therapy and Mo Ran truly hated how all the changes with his meds affected his work and mind.
The morning where he lost it completely was notable.
Chu Wanning was just standing there, on the train, and Mo Ran only wanted to watch from afar but then something suddenly took over him and he walked up to him and then Chu Wanning just allowed it and any self-restraint he had left has crumbled to the ground.
He did not go to work that day, he went to Tanlang but did not tell the man what he has done—how bad his situation has gotten, instead he listed off his current side-effects and accepted a new prescription.
However, he no longer took them, his mind clouding further.
*
It started with small noises.
Sometimes when he did not quite sleep deeply enough, Chu Wanning’s mind conjured a form lurking around, watching him inside his very house but Chu Wanning knew that such a thing would never happen and has not tried to look too deeply into it.
The first thing that happened and he could no longer explain was a prepared meal left out for him. It was a packed lunch, ready for him to take and Chu Wanning’s entire body tensed up, reaching for a kitchen knife and setting off to search every last part of his place.
No one was inside so Chu Wanning dropped the knife and looked at the small paper folded under the lunchbox.
Reading over the words, Chu Wanning’s tension has not eased but it shifted and accumulated inside his chest instead, forming a lump.
‘Do not skip lunch anymore.’
Tracing the words, Chu Wanning thought even the writing became more mature, strokes way more confident than in his youth. Shaking his head once, Chu Wanning took the lunchbox with him and did nothing to prevent such events from happening again—his locks remained the same even if it was obvious that he was not alone with a key to his doors.
*
It might have been a myriad of lapses in judgment but Chu Wanning did nothing at all when it came to Mo Ran’s new habits. He allowed the man to stand behind him every day on the train, he never tried to ask for his key back and they still have yet to mention this nonsense.
The day did not start off any different than before. Mo Ran came in his large black hoodie that covered his work attire—as if only trying to give the illusion of anonymity and Chu Wanning has already resumed his position allowing the other to slip behind him.
Chu Wanning has never said anything while Mo Ran was used to telling him both insulting and terrible things yet Chu Wanning has not once reacted at all. He just stood there and took it all, listening and unmoving.
This day was no different and Mo Ran has trailed along his chest, pinching and caressing while Chu Wanning tried desperately not to react at all. So far he has never gone too far—that depends on definition—but he tended to keep his hands out of Chu Wanning’s pants and only ever grope with the protective layers of fabric between them. Chu Wanning did not know for how long that will remain satisfying for Mo Ran.
He also could not tell if Mo Ran will get bored, growing tired of essentially gaining nothing or he’ll push things further to make himself entertained in case it’s no longer enough to mess around like this.
Mo Ran always got off, one stop before their company—playing the part well and never forcing Chu Wanning to deal with looking towards him in any ways.
He has done so all the same this time but the figure clad in black only just stepped down when he already jumped back on.
Chu Wanning did not allow himself often to watch so he had no idea if Mo Ran has always done that so far or just this once—he knew that Mo Ran was never late but no more than that.
Turning his head obdurately forwards, Chu Wanning bit the inside of his mouth anticipating with a tightening pressure and soon enough arms came up to hold him but something was wrong.
*
Barely managing to jump back on the train, Mo Ran’s gaze fixed on the man who had his eyes trailing all over his Wanning and his terrible jealousy only got more unreasonable when the man grabbed the waist of someone who belonged to Mo Ran—Chu Wanning was his and only his, his possession and his to do whatever he wanted with.
Chu Wanning was not moving at all and for the first time Mo Ran’s distaste grew strong and acidic. Do you really need attention that bad? Am I not enough? Will you allow trash to touch what I already claimed?
Yet just as Mo Ran decided to intervene, Chu Wanning lowered his head towards the hands around his hips. Something flitted across his face and it made Mo Ran freeze, completely unmoving and probably in the way for others.
Chu Wanning never much looked down after the first time but Mo Ran did always lean over him, whispering at first as if alerting him of his presence because Chu Wanning always tensed up and swayed a little like he was anticipating him—it was driving Mo Ran mad.
At the beginning he thought it would expose him, even if it had been years since he addressed Chu Wanning directly, he still probably talked around the other but Chu Wanning has never reacted to his co-worker when they’re at the company, he sees Mo Ran and if absolutely necessary he will politely but so-so coldly interact with him.
This whole thing started out desperate and Mo Ran was doing his best to prevent it from going too far but then Chu Wanning never reacted badly and he no longer felt the need—in a sense he has given up on his own rationality, critical thinking refusing to resurface as he got more and more wrapped up in Chu Wanning.
By now he had more of a plan, he was trying to leave an impression, he wanted to make Chu Wanning crave him, get him addicted since he clearly missed the presence of someone else—he too must want others to be around.
Mo Ran should have known that Chu Wanning would not react but he could not tell anymore as to why. The first time Mo Ran has made a mistake, he was still young, under the influence and his hatred was very new and boiling with intensity. Mo Ran has deeply regretted letting himself go like that but he was not reported for sexual assault and Chu Wanning has never mentioned anything about it.
Mo Ran did not have all of his memories from back then but he did remember taking advantage of Chu Wanning—he still dreams with Chu Wanning begging him, that was the only time Mo Ran heard him so broken, asking him to see reason and let Chu Wanning go.
This time, however, he was even less rational and as he felt rage cursing through him in surging waves, he did not even notice how much of it he was directing towards Chu Wanning for allowing someone else to do such things.
Yet as Mo Ran just stood there, frozen in place after taking a single step to get involved, he was forced to watch the commotion unfold and within moments everyone’s attention had been drawn. Mo Ran could not make his brain work, he could not put together the pieces and immediately, right there, realise that Chu Wanning must have figured him out at some point, that he looked down and must have noticed it was not Mo Ran whose hands were on him and he reacted badly.
Mo Ran will figure this out but in that moment he did not, he just stood there with his mouth falling open like everyone else.
Chu Wanning looked truly scary—terrifying even. It wasn’t something that Mo Ran did not know about. Chu Wanning has never been fragile, he was not the type to let things happen to him that was why it surprised Mo Ran every time he allowed it, having watched him turn so soft and malleable that Mo Ran sometimes allowed himself to forget this.
But right then, Chu Wanning has turned towards these hands and even though to Mo Ran they seem like any other, recognition flitted across Chu Wanning’s face and he seemed to react upon seeing that the hands did not belong to his usual person.
For the first time he reacted how Mo Ran thought he would from the very beginning, looking every part of that cold and condescending superior that Mo Ran knew. Watching from the side, Mo Ran felt a morbid fascination as Chu Wanning shoved the man back and whirled around so fast that Mo Ran thought he would have missed it if he’d blink.
Grabbing the wrist of the man, Chu Wanning has twisted roughly and forced the man to his knees.
Seeing the pure wrath on Chu Wanning’s aloof face, Mo Ran slipped off his hood and pulling his mask down, he rushed over. Not because Chu Wanning appeared to be a damsel in distress but Mo Ran thought the police will get involved if someone does not stop Chu Wanning right there.
It was a risk to take, he did not remove his disguise but Mo Ran did not have the luxury to worry about such when Chu Wanning looked murderous and Mo Ran knew that he had every mean to commit to such idea.
As Mo Ran grabbed his wrist, halting the motion of Chu Wanning before he could strike again, he became the person on the receiving end of that deathly glare. Chu Wanning turned his head and looked beyond livid, for the first time Mo Ran thought he will get punched as well and for whatever reason he felt compelled to allow it, yet Chu Wanning froze up completely as his eyes linked to Mo Ran’s, fist loosening by a fraction.
Holding what seemed like a bundle of nerves, Mo Ran reached for his other arm as well, starting to free the random pervert, “Chu-Laoshi that will be enough, don’t hit him anymore or he might die—you will be in trouble as well.”
Chu Wanning said nothing at all but he clearly has lowered his murderous intents to simmering levels.
Thus Mo Ran averted his attention. “You, trash people like you—I saw what you did, try pressing charges and see if you win it when I’m through with you, do you know who I am? I’ve never lost a case before.”
Not the truth but he was working for the law department of Sisheng. The fact that he dealt with factory satisfaction to products that are usually designed by Chu Wanning himself remained unsaid and he felt rather confident that he would have the right connections to end this man in court anyways.
The man also did not decide to attempt any defences, he just took off, fleeing the moment Mo Ran has pried off Chu Wanning’s hands completely. Turning back to Chu Wanning, Mo Ran watched as the man stared steadily at his hands, not even paying attention whether Mo Ran was talking or not.
The fact that Chu Wanning was looking at his hands that he judged himself capable of recognising, confident enough to turn around and attack someone else who did not own Mo Ran’s, it made him slightly nauseous but Mo Ran decided to continue to pretend. It took him almost the entire day after to realise that Chu Wanning was already aware and Mo Ran had nothing to expose.
Chu Wanning still refused to react at all—there was not even a fleeting look of surprise to hide, his recognition none existent.
Yet things did not change at all, all that happened was Mo Ran lowering his concerns even more—Chu Wanning already knew and he has allowed him, what was there for him to hide anymore?
They walked to the company together in complete silence after that incident and the next morning when Mo Ran wrapped around Chu Wanning, he became stiff only until Mo Ran whispered in his ears.
*
Chu Wanning had been right and Mo Ran kept getting braver.
That precious sense of anonymity, that he so desperately clung to, was easily disregarded by Mo Ran who became more and more demanding.
Almost as if a wall between them would have tumbled down when Mo Ran realised that Chu Wanning knew it was him. He also realised that he had been wrong in certain ways.
Mo Ran was not bored per se, he simply started to push for more—it was not due to dissatisfaction. No, the more Chu Wanning has given, the hungrier Mo Ran became and even he could tell this. He was desperate to come up with any limits, he kept thinking about this day and night—just where should he draw the line? How much can he allow Mo Ran?
Nothing about their situation seemed normal thus Chu Wanning did not find it easy to manoeuvre. Every time he put down a boundary, Mo Ran—as if reading his mind—immediately attempted to cross it and Chu Wanning allowed it with only pathetic efforts to object.
Each time it happened, Chu Wanning berated himself, created a new one and then gave in just as easily as before. Mo Ran has clearly had some desires towards him but he thought this was more of a game—he was just trying to see how far he can push Chu Wanning before he crumbles completely, already fractured in so many places.
The first time Mo Ran has crossed a rather firm and tall-standing boundary—Chu Wanning’s first idea was to be grateful they weren’t on the subway.
Hearing the copy room’s lock turn, Chu Wanning barely even registered the noise, paying no mind to mull over it or react at all—he did not feel the immediate danger that was hovering behind him.
Hands reached around him in a rather familiar fashion but they were at work, this was exposing too much and Chu Wanning raised his own ones, shoving Mo Ran off. It did not work—if anything, the unusual display of rejection created a new challenge and Mo Ran seemed eager to tackle it.
Waist grabbed again, Mo Ran was not only persistent but clearly more shameless without any potential audience. It took a long while for Chu Wanning to care and even more time to gather himself and notice but even though Mo Ran was harassing him in public, he was rather obstinate about not allowing others to see.
Perhaps it was due to that man who was almost hospitalised by Chu Wanning, maybe Mo Ran just started feeling possessive—the point was that Chu Wanning was aided greatly by the fact that Mo Ran has allowed him to save face so far.
However, in the small room with the door locked, Chu Wanning was the only one to worry about his own virtue and he has only just grabbed Mo Ran’s wrist—right above that stupid watch—by the time his pants got undone, pooling around his ankles.
That was on the absolutely not to do list, this was something that Chu Wanning cannot possibly allow—this was beyond indecent.
Chu Wanning still allowed it, he shoved at Mo Ran a few more times—kept blocking his hands before making contact with any surfaces of his precious, still guarded parts but in the end it was a futile effort.
A rather large hand slipped under his dress shirt, spreading out across his back and pushing until Chu Wanning was bent in half. He realised way too late that he was protecting the wrong area but as Mo Ran’s hands settled over him, Chu Wanning reached back to shove him off again.
This movement seemed to change something in Mo Ran and his plan since Chu Wanning was grabbed in a bruising grip and whirled around. Splattering indignantly, Chu Wanning barely had time to close his eyes, his hands flying up to cover his entire face.
Being more focused on that, he did not dare to lower them and did little besides flinching when Mo Ran reached behind him. He could feel that he leaned forward, he felt Mo Ran’s forehead press against the back of his hands as large palms flattened under his thighs and pulled his legs out from under him.
Chu Wanning wanted to scream, he wanted to punch Mo Ran but in the end his hands remained, stubbornly hiding his face away. From within Mo Ran’s arms, Chu Wanning could feel the firm expense of his body, pressing way too close to Chu Wanning—his breathing rather erratic, Chu Wanning bit his lips and flinched forward, closer to Mo Ran when he was placed on the copy machine.
The cold surface warmed up soon enough and Chu Wanning no longer made any movements. Even with all of his efforts, Chu Wanning made a noise—one he could not categorise but it was within the mortifying group for certain—as Mo Ran’s lips made contact with his skin.
Everything was always the same with the man and when Chu Wanning did not react too severely—when he did not put up a decent enough fight to show his genuine distaste, in case he had a flicker of doubt whether he wanted Mo Ran to continue or not, he was always pushed for more.
It had been purely due to distraction that Chu Wanning’s head lulled back. Mo Ran was kissing down the slender column of his throat and his nose kept pressing into his jaw and having been rather mindless, Chu Wanning gave way to the pressure and let his head fall back, elbows raising up higher beside him.
With such a blatant request, giving so much space, Mo Ran became rougher, teeth getting involved and Chu Wanning had an incredibly hard time to focus himself and centre his attention in order to form a plan to put an end to this.
Pulling his legs open fiercely, Mo Ran planted himself in between his thighs, averting Chu Wanning's attention back to those hands that have not been resting at all. Chu Wanning thought that his mind was already too fuzzy, he thought that he had been pushed way too far to be rational and actually opened his legs even wider which ripped a sound from Mo Ran that he has never heard before.
If Chu Wanning thought that Mo Ran had no control before, he was utterly and completely wrong. Being picked up felt wrong and Chu Wanning wanted to protest but he could not allow himself to open his mouth anymore—he was scared what would come out if he did.
Just as he has lost the battle with himself, when he accepted that he will give in to whatever Mo Ran was trying to do, the door rattled, someone attempting to come in.
“Ha? Why isn’t it open? Who would close it?” Spoke a voice and soon another answered with a wilted tone. “Maybe it’s out of order, let’s go to the other one.”
“That is so far away, let’s stop by Lao-Chu and report it,” the voices faded away but Chu Wanning was immediately reminded where they were—just because he still refused to open his eyes and acknowledge it did not mean that they somehow teleported to a place where this would be more acceptable. Were there such a place?
This time when Chu Wanning half-heartedly shoved, trying to lower his feet, he was actually allowed. Mo Ran pressed a kiss onto his overlapping fingers, right where his mouth was and Chu Wanning suddenly regretted keeping his arms up.
“I’ll see you later Wanning.” Chu Wanning almost collapsed when he was let go but he had no time to piece himself back together, he needed to focus on putting himself physically in order—he cannot allow others to witness such a state.
*
Mo Ran was not joking and Chu Wanning’s head set off alarms with potential danger when a person appeared inside his very room in the middle of the night. “No.”
That was the first time Chu Wanning has ever said anything with words, such a blatant exclamation of having reached his limit but Mo Ran forged ahead and Chu Wanning could do little but hide inside his bedding when the mattress dipped beside him.
“Wanning, didn’t I promise to continue?” He asked in a deep voice, barely above a whisper.
“Why? You can just leave?” Chu Wanning asked trying to not sound desperate.
“I don’t think you want that.” Chu Wanning could no longer tell what he wanted. It wasn’t that he has never noticed his feelings for Mo Ran but he was used to dealing with the hurt that it caused him. Mo Ran has often times disregarded Chu Wanning and made him feel dirty, he thought he can handle that but receiving any form of affection again felt like he was being led on, Chu Wanning did not want to fall into this trap again.
“Say you want it, you can name anything and it’s yours! You won’t do that though, will you Wanning?” The blanket was peeled away and Chu Wanning barely had the time to squeeze his eyes shut tightly—he did not want to make this any more real than it already was. Mo Ran continued to talk.
“You won’t even look at me? Why pretend anymore—say my name Wanning! I want you to know who you belong to, you are not allowed to whore yourself around anymore, I’ve laid claim so do not think I will allow that.” His voice was getting a bit rougher, giving the impression that he was not emotionally stable.
Chu Wanning kept his eyes and mouth tenaciously shut, his arms wiggling as his fingers twitched from the grip Mo Ran had on his wrists—he could not hide properly anymore so he focused on keeping his face expressionless instead of listening to what Mo Ran was saying. That did not stop him from continuing, “Wanning, you should know by now that it won’t benefit you to piss me off. Say my name, say it or I will make you. Do you think I won’t do it? I can do anything to you—,” Lips pressed against his eyelids one by one. “Wanning, open your eyes and look at me, won’t you pay attention?”
Lying there completely unmoving, Chu Wanning did not know what will happen to the pressure that kept building inside his chest. Will he burst out, crying for days or will he beg Mo Ran again like all those years ago?
Back then Chu Wanning was taller than him, stronger even, but that did not help him when Mo Ran acted so suddenly and so out of character—Chu Wanning got tied up and no matter what he said, Mo Ran was no longer listening.
This time around, however, Chu Wanning could not just simply overpower Mo Ran and he always thought that if he truly tried, Mo Ran would stop.
He was mulling over this while Mo Ran has started to undress him and when his legs were forced apart something has snapped in Chu Wanning. He did not want this in the end, no matter how much he loved Mo Ran, he was not able to heal from this.
He did not know what he has done to put a wedge between the two of them, Chu Wanning has allowed Mo Ran to get away with everything essentially and he thought that he will allow this as well but he no longer managed to hold back. Eyes tightening further, Chu Wanning was trying to will the tears away.
“Do not do this!” Chu Wanning's tone came out steadier than what he expected. Yet Mo Ran's answering sneer was remorseless—unyielding. “Why not? You won’t even look at me, I am right here, I have touched you all over and you still won’t even look at me? Just how lowly do you think of me? Have I improved Laoshi? Or am I truly beyond remedy—,”
Where did he hear that before?
Settling between his legs, Chu Wanning tried to close them but Mo Ran has already had something cold and slippery on his fingers, pushing inside of him. Tensing to such extent that Mo Ran halted, Chu Wanning did open his eyes, grabbing one of his shoulders and the wrist of his hand between his legs, only just then realising that Mo Ran has let him go at some point.
“Mo Ran please do not do this.” The man ahead of him was nothing like what Chu Wanning usually saw him as—opening his eyes, the tears have escaped, clinging to the corners of his eyes and making his lashes look longer while Mo Ran actually appeared to be somewhat of a mirror image of such a state.
Chu Wanning did not understand why he looked that way, nor did he figure out why Mo Ran would push on if he was not feeling desire, what was the point of this whole mess?!
It wasn’t even that Mo Ran did not want Chu Wanning—he wanted him more than anything but even if it seemed contradictory, he did not find much joy in rejection. Forcing Chu Wanning was one thing, it even catered to a certain part of his brain but Mo Ran could not move past the very few occasions when Chu Wanning gave him something willingly.
Their interactions were all tainted but sometimes Chu Wanning did allow him more like he was yearning for it too and those occasions have drove him mad—after everything, after knowing how Chu Wanning viewed him, Mo Ran still wanted to be loved, he wanted Chu Wanning to praise him, to like him, be kind to him. He wanted his attention on him but he had to settle for bad attention, he no longer had the option to strive for any other kind.
Mo Ran has trampled all over Chu Wanning—a person who should have been treated like a delicate flower, and no matter how badly he wanted to backtrack, wanted to go to Tanlang and ask for more medication, in the end he could not blame anyone else but himself and Chu Wanning will never forgive him any of these things.
Why should he? He admitted honestly that Mo Ran was dumb. In return Mo Ran has humiliated him in every sense and completely broke him into pieces until he had no way to keep true to himself and act accordingly. How was that fair? What has Mo Ran done?
Pulling back as if burnt, Mo Ran tumbled off of the bed, not noticing how Chu Wanning tried to catch his frame and stop him from falling. If someone else would have seen them in that moment, they would have guessed that everything has happened the other way around from their reactions.
“Mo Ran?” Chu Wanning was ahead of him, long and slender fingers cradling his face and smoothing his hair back in order to see his expression. He could no longer tell how old he was, what version of Chu Wanning this was, how much he remembered from the things Mo Ran did.
Tears welled up in his eyes anew and Mo Ran did nothing to stop them from falling, his mind was way too fuzzy to determine much of anything but he fell forward and Chu Wanning allowed it. His arms rose and wrapped around the firm torso and Chu Wanning allowed it. Mo Ran buried his face into Chu Wanning’s neck, choking on that light flowery scent and Chu Wanning allowed it.
“Mo Ran?” Chu Wanning still managed to call his name and not sound completely disgusted, he still allowed his hands to pat Mo Ran’s back, trying to stop the sobs that were wrecking through Mo Ran’s body. His voice still held a level of concern that made his head feel even fuzzier. “I will call someone...Mo Ran breathe properly, you will faint like that—Mo Ran!”
*
His eyes opened on a hospital bed. Mo Ran tried to sit up but has swiftly learnt that he could not. His sight was still a bit muddled but he could tell that straps were holding him down thus instead of struggling further, Mo Ran slumped back and closed his eyes. This was not the first time he ended up like this.
He was still in that position when someone entered his room, he thought it was Tanlang and he did not feel up for the scolding. However, the person moved lightly and pulling up a chair, they just sat in utter silence.
Turning his head, Mo Ran aimed for a cheeky grin but his lips froze before lifting enough to achieve such an expression. Chu Wanning was sitting beside him, having frozen with his hand stretched towards him, for some reason, at the movement.
“Mo Ran?” Hand falling back into his lap, Mo Ran just stayed very still, staring like someone would explain to him as to why he was suddenly hallucinating—this time his obsession has truly run too deep.
“Tanlang?” His voice sounded hoarse, he had fragments of what he has done but could not remember much of his breakdown, he thought he might have screamed through the duration. Chu Wanning's eyebrows arched delicately. “You want your doctor? I believe he has some appointment currently, he should come soon, he told me the sedatives should stop working soon.”
“Chu Wanning?” Was he actually there? Mo Ran tried to raise his hand to see if he can touch the form which averted both of their gazes to the struggling motion under the cuff around his wrist.
“It’s okay, I will find someone to call him, they will let you go after that—,” Chu Wanning appeared almost panicked but Mo Ran just slumped back, letting go—tone defeated. “It’s okay, I don’t mind...maybe it’s for the better.”
Chu Wanning froze, head still turned to look for a caller. “What do you mean?”
Mo Ran made an awkward shrugging motion. “You’ve seen how bad I get, lately I stopped taking my meds—I, it’s better for me this way, I should not even leave. I don’t belong in society.”
“Mo Ran!” Now finally Chu Wanning felt familiar, with the cutting tone and sharp gaze. This was safest for the both of them. Mo Ran managed a hopefully light chuckle. “It is fine, I know this means nothing to you, but I am sorry.”
“Mo Ran,” he no longer sounded mad, Chu Wanning seemed just as broken as Mo Ran was, but his voice was stern as he hammered in some point, Mo Ran did not feel justified. “Do not apologise to me, all will be well.”
Silence engulfed them but Mo Ran was still feeling rather floaty, a bit out of it so he could not really tell if it was tense or not. He had a hard time reading the atmosphere around Chu Wanning even when he was completely sombre.
“How long have you known Tanlang?” Chu Wanning's tone was still tight, Mo Ran wanted to laugh at the awkwardness of it all. He aimed for nonchalance with his response, “if you are trying to ask, then I have always showed signs of, of illnesses—I guess I was born fucked in the head.”
“Mo Ran—you,” but Chu Wanning did not continue instead he breathed in a rather forced manner, like he was trying to stay calm. “I meant that I also know him as a person...I just wanted to know—he is a bit annoying but can be bearable sometimes.”
“You know my doctor?” Instead of an answer, Chu Wanning just hummed in confirmation, leaning back against his chair.
“You can leave you know...I won’t do anything here, no one will get hurt.” As if to emphasis his point, Mo Ran tensed the straps by attempting to move—he could not. Chu Wanning plastered on a familiar scowl. “I’m not afraid of that.”
Mo Ran made a face that probably was too honest, “I don’t think you are very rational then...but my judgment has never matter much.”
“I care about your opinions Mo Ran...” trailing off, in the end Chu Wanning only added a sentence mumbled out and barely audible, “—and I’m here so you are not alone.”
“Aren’t you scared of me?” Ignoring him completely, Mo Ran thought that he truly wasn’t, he thought that Chu Wanning genuinely had his own issues in the end.
“Do you want me to contact someone?” Chu Wanning asked instead.
“I have no one who cares.” Mo Ran did not even realise how his response sounded until he watched Chu Wanning's reaction. Eyes hardening, he looked almost offended and Mo Ran could not tell if he was annoyed or felt sympathy for his colleague who was clearly unhinged.
Some time has passed before either talked again and in a way Mo Ran still had a hard time believing that Chu Wanning was actually there.
“Mo Ran, yesterday you said,” Chu Wanning turned towards the door like he would be enclosing some big secret, “Do you remember what you said?”
“Which part captured your attention Laoshi?” Mo Ran aimed to sound professional even though their situation was far from the right setting. Chu Wanning seemed to not mind the inconvenience of it as he carried on.
“You have said something that I’ve heard before but I could not recall—” Chu Wanning was cut off by the door opening and Tanlang came in looking rather unimpressed. Plastering on a shy and charming smile, Mo Ran attempted to look as innocent as possible. Tanlang's voice was cutting.
“It won’t work, might as well spare your efforts,” dropping the smile, Mo Ran sighed while Tanlang came over, his tone back to monotone, “Let’s jump straight to the point, have you been taking your meds?”
“No,” Mo Ran admitted simply.
“Is it because of the side-effects?”
“...”
“Mo Ran!” Voice sharpening a bit, Tanlang looked every part of a disappointed parent that Mo Ran no longer had. He shook his head to clear it a bit, “Yeah, yeah no, sorry...well, no—you know I, I just made a bad decision.”
“Meaning?” Instead of answering Mo Ran looked towards Chu Wanning and this was the first time he got actual confirmation because Tanlang also saw the figure clad in white. “You are still lingering? Leave now!”
“No wait,” at Mo Ran's words the straps constricted, drawing his attention back to where he was. Maybe it was for the best that Chu Wanning left. However, after saying so, the other sat back down and only glared meaningfully at Tanlang. Didn’t he say they were friends?
“I will send him out if it’s distracting, he can wait since he already refused to leave, Mo Ran meaning?” Rolling his eyes, Tanlang averted his attention and also seemed reluctant towards that friendship mentioned. “I never took the new ones.”
“Why is that?” The questions were short and to the point giving Mo Ran little time to consider how his answers will make him sound like. “I—I just didn’t want to.”
“Was your behaviour rewarded?” Mo Ran’s mouth twitched, turning that over in his head. Tanlang had no mercy, pressing on his exposed belly, “Is there a new object, did they enable you?”
“Enable what? Object to what? What nonsense are you spouting?” It was Chu Wanning who spoke up but Tanlang only glared, “If Mo Ran wants to share he can, he’s the one not sending you away.”
Mo Ran's words were rushed as he gained back Tanlang's attention.
“I—I am, it’s him.” Chu Wanning looked just as confused as ever but Tanlang halted clicking the pen he was holding—an action seemingly existing for the solemn reason to annoy the hell out of Mo Ran. His next sentence was spoken with authority and sounded deadly. “Chu Wanning leave!”
Mo Ran said nothing and the man was booted from the room this time around.
“Am I not allowed to see him again?” he asked, sounding like an abandoned puppy being kicked.
“That would be for the best, he seems very worried about you, he must have messed up your progress—I’d assume he did more than just enable you, from what I’ve seen he’s not usually all that warm.” There was truly not much warmth or kindness on Tanlang's face as he spoke of his friend. Mo Ran shrugged shyly, “No, so I guess it’s all the more alluring when he is, wouldn’t you say?”
Tanlang looked at him disapproving but wrote something down instead of telling him off. “At least nothing went too far, for that you should be proud.” He barely caught himself from snapping, how much more was ahead of him to cross. Will Chu Wanning press charges this time?
Instead he forced his tone to remain even, “I need my medication fixed, I have been seeing him every day for years and I’ve never...it’s not that I don’t want to but I can—I have kept away from him so far.”
“You are lucky that he happened to be there when your episode happened, for this to get better you should keep more distance than that—also, I'm disappointed you have not once mentioned this, years Mo Ran?!”
He at least looked sheepish at that, “We work together and I know that I have made a mistake but—,”
“That’s just it, you did not this time Mo Ran, Chu Wanning recounted what has happened and—,” Tanlang was cut off by him.
“Wait what did he say has happened?” Raising his eyebrows, Tanlang had that look of suspicion while Mo Ran just had an incredibly hard time imagining Chu Wanning talking about such things. Were they really that close, why was that making Mo Ran jealous? Of his own doctor, no less!
“He has said how he found you on the street like that...he mainly recounted your state, not how you got there.” Tanlang's left eyebrow was positioned slightly higher now. Mo Ran felt his own ones rising as well, digesting that sentence. “Street?”
“Do you have a different recollection of the night before? Were you near Chu Wanning’s house with purpose? He needs to know about your condition if you want to stay at your current job.”
Mo Ran's mind was beyond cloudy but not as much as to forget what he has done.
“No, that is probably how it went. I have—you can tell him right? I’m sure he already has a grasp on things.” Tanlang still looked dubious but nodded and allowed him more rest. His tone went back to monotone professionalism, “I will not allow the lift of restraints until I can tell the effects of the first round of experimental medication have taken place. So far you are clearly experiencing clarity which is a good sign but the medication I gave upon your admittance cannot be taken regularly as you're already aware.”
Mo Ran nodded in understanding and closed his eyes, waiting to see if Chu Wanning came back.
He did not.