Chapter Text
Andrew slumped into his desk chair, already mentally typing out his grievances with the awful couple that had plagued his work. Flaunting their looks around like whores. They had to shove their sickening PDA down his throat. Well… he wasn’t sure if they really saw him, skulking around in the dark edges of the graveyard, but still. It’s not like other girls wouldn’t mock him like that… and beyond that, the sheer entitlement to kiss each other so lewdly in public!
Normie relationships made him feel ill. All gross and… hot. That’s why he always had to take a cold shower after witnessing them. To counteract how sick they made him… of course.
But now that that was out of the way, he was ready to complain about them online. He opened the web browser, the page already opened to his incel forum of choice. He was all ready to post about the egregious public exhibitionism he’d witnessed, when he noticed another new post on the home page.
---
Proving that having a strong jawline disqualifies you from being an incel.
Submitted by inbalmcel 2 hours ago
Hello. What separates a virgin from a chad? Here I’d like to posit that it’s simply 2 millimeters of bone that makes you a strong-jawed chad rather than a sad, lonely, chincel.
---
What followed were various intricately plotted pictures of celebrities, illustrating the poster’s hypothesis. Andrew found this quite ridiculous. Sure, comparing handsome celebrities versus stereotypical incels seemed like it proved his point, but that was just cherry picking. Andrew had an alright jawline, but it didn’t make him any less monstrous in appearance. The gall of the poster to say he was disqualified from being an incel… That didn’t take into account any of his other, plenty hideous features! He knew this poster, too… they were always full of ridiculous, inane opinions.
---
vrgntykeeper
> Can we keep this forum on topic? I’m here to discuss real issues plaguing incels, not this made-up bone nonsense.
inbalmcel
> Dear vrgntykeeper, I think this issue is quite pertinent to the discussion. Incel means involuntarily celibate, for those who can’t get laid against their will… If you have the bone structure of a Greek God, then clearly your issue is hygiene or personality. Both of which are your choice to maintain… or to not maintain, in your case.
vrgntykeeper
> Bone structure isn’t everything! Why do you even care about the jawline of the users here? Does it really matter if none of us are getting laid? Not like you’d have to show any incel credentials… it’s obvious you’ll never feel a woman’s touch..
[Continue this discussion ->]
---
After a few hours of arguing in circles, it seemed the other man had logged off. As it was around ten in the morning where Andrew was… maybe to go to work? Ha, doubtful. This guy probably lived full time in his parents’ basement. What kind of loser starts debates on incel forums…
Andrew spent a little more time on the site, but his earlier grief was all but forgotten by now. He had a new, much more aggravating person on his mind. After their debate… the rest of the new posts were a bit dull. Andrew browsed aimlessly for a bit, before accidentally clicking on an ad for www.cuntwars.com and slamming his power button in a panic.
Aesop was quite frustrated he had to log off before the matter was settled. Not like he had much hope it ever would be. He and that particular, histrionic user had interacted before. The other could never let anything go… even now, when Aesop proved his point mathematically. Clearly he was just some sad, pent up, loser who had nothing better to do.
At least Aesop had a job… even if said job was probably part of why he couldn’t find a date. Apparently, introducing yourself as an embalmer was a bit “creepy”. And he shouldn’t wear a mask in all his tinder profile pictures, because it seemed “serial killer-esque”. And staring directly at the camera with no smile and a shirt buttoned up to his neck made him look like a “haunted Victorian child”, or something.
He didn’t quite get it, but he understood that he should remove his job from his bio. He replaced it with a line about his love for travel… which did gain him one match, to be fair. However, the woman immediately asked where he’d traveled. Which was surely too personal to ask about so quickly? Also… he had been lying. Aesop quickly blocked her, of course, as she was obviously far too nosy for him.
The next tip he’d learned of was putting a dog in one’s main picture. Apparently, girls liked dogs. The only problem was that Aesop didn’t have a dog… and didn’t really want one. He liked them from a distance, but they could be a bit overwhelming.
He thought his problem was solved when he’d been called in to take care of a client’s beloved golden retriever, but that particular selfie just got him banned from tinder. Maybe girls really didn’t like dogs.
Suffice to say, women were impossible to please, and Aesop was destined to be alone forever.
He’d long since given up on trying to date or sleep with anyone, and instead spent most of his free time in communities with like minded men. Well… mostly like minded men. During his downtime at work, he looked through the profile of that vexing user from earlier. Mostly just complaining about being unable to get laid… like he was special.
Aesop did learn a little about him, like the fact that he was over six feet tall . He had his suspicions about that user from earlier, but now? There was no way he was a real incel. Being 6’1” basically meant you had a harem of women following you around at all times. Or so he’d heard, from incel forum user xXsigma_male_69Xx .
As soon as he got home, he began to type out another post.
Andrew woke up to a notification on his phone. He… never got those. Ever. The last time his phone lit up was months ago, when his landlord had to fumigate the apartment. He closed his eyes, trying not to get excited…
He failed, quickly sliding into his chair to hide his growing boner below his desk. It wasn’t as if he wanted some slut to steal his virginity, but maybe if some slut wanted to just… hold hands, chastely… He could do that. Maybe if she just… let him rest his head on her lap, and stroked his hair, and told him he was a good boy…
Andrew put his phone down, heading to the bathroom to take a quick, frigid shower. On his way back, he grabbed an ice-pack for his dick, in case it really was a girl.
He unlocked his phone… before slamming it back down at the desk. It was an alert from the damn incel forum. Of course it wasn’t some woman showing interest in him… he was a hideous, unlovable monster. Even if it was a girl, he couldn’t do any normal relationship stuff with her. What kind of woman would be okay picking their date up from the cemetery at eight in the morning, even if he was handsome…?
After he sulked around for a bit, he decided to see what the notification was for. He frowned. Apparently he was mentioned in a post? Andrew tapped on it, opening up a new submission from his least-favorite user.
---
Proving that being 6’0”+ disqualifies you from being an incel.
Submitted by inbalmcel 30 minutes ago edited
Hello. This community needs higher standards. Letting in just any sad virgin cheapens our movement. Again, to be an incel is not simply the act of being denied sex, or being a virgin. It’s being so fundamentally different from normal men, that any chance of being laid, ever, is slim to none.
In this analysis, I will… [continue reading?]
---
Andrew clicked further, skimming through. He was ready to reply, but didn’t see himself mentioned anywhere. Was the notification a fluke? Or… he squinted, seeing the little mark of an edited post. Wait a minute…
---
vrgntykeeper
> Did you mention me here and edit it out? That’s pathetic, even for you.
inbalmcel
> Dear vrgntykeeper, I have no idea what you are referring to. Please try to keep the comments on topic…
vrgntykeeper
> liar.jpg
inbalmcel
> Dear vrgntykeeper, your screenshot is simply not admissible evidence. I am aware of the existence of photoshop. Perhaps you are trying to make me look irrational to avoid confronting the fact that you are 6’1” and therefore a chad, not an incel?
vrgntykeeper
> That response proves this was targeted at me! Have you been stalking my profile? This is clearly all because you’re mad about being a 5’9” manlet.
inbalmcel
> Dear vrgntykeeper, how did you know how tall I was? Also, 5’9” is the average height for a man, I am not a manlet.
---
Andrew swallowed. He banged his head against his desk, having been baited into exposing his own stalking behavior. This man frustrated him to no end. He’d reported the other countless times, but they amounted to nothing, even though this was clearly harassment. Apparently, Andrew’s self-defensive replies muddied the waters too much for the admins to take a side.
It took a half hour of their usual back and forth before something unexpected happened.
---
vrgntykeeper
> Just shut up! No one wants to hear your awful opinions, I don’t know why you insist on posting them every day.
inbalmcel
> Dear vrgntykeeper, you say this, yet you also reply to my awful opinions every day.
vrgntykeeper
> I have to make it clear how terrible they are. I won’t just let you think you’re in the right.
van_de_grASS
> lmao why don’t you guys just kiss already
vrgntykeeper
> What on earth are you talking about
inbalmcel
> Dear van_de_grASS, please stay on topic.
van_de_grASS
> yeah ok lol. as if the topic isn’t just an excuse to fight each other. it’s soooo obvious you want to kiss.
Norton leaned over Luca’s shoulder after catching a glance of his screen. His brow furrowed as he looked it over, “...Is that one of those incel sites?” Norton glanced down to Luca, “Why the hell are you on it?”
Luca spun around in his computer chair, “Oh, no, nonono, it’s not like that at all.” He raised an eyebrow at Norton, “Even if I was a sad virgin, you think I’d ever be pathetic enough to call myself an incel?”
Norton shrugged, “Eh… probably not. So…?”
“I like to browse. See what unhinged shit goes on there,” he held up his hands, in a slightly guilty gesture, “Maybe fuck with them sometimes, but it’s literally hilarious, babe.” Luca turned back to the monitor, pointing at it, “See these guys? Look how many threads they’ve filled with their back and forth alone. They’ve done this almost every day for weeks. It’s insane bro.”
“Okay,” Norton nodded, not understanding Luca’s new hobby in the slightest, “Incels being weird online. Shocker. What’s the point?”
Luca snickered, “Well, I pointed out how gay they’re being and now they’re both freaking out.” He sat back in his chair, putting on a mocking voice, “I was just debating the attractiveness of various masculine features with another man for hours a day… like a heterosexual, of course.”
“I guess that’s kinda funny…” Norton said, with a slight smirk. More appreciating the fact that Luca found it so funny.
“Yeah, but I’m not just doing this for my own amusement,” he said, quite pleased with himself, “I’m solving the incel problem by convincing them to fuck each other. I should get a Nobel Peace Prize for this…”
Norton rolled his eyes, “What a hero.”
“I’m sure all the heterosexual women in a five square mile radius of them will appreciate my good deed…” He shrugged, before grinning, “Least I could do after stealing away the hottest man alive.”
“Speaking of the hottest man alive,” Norton said, turning Luca’s computer chair back around to face him, “Maybe you get him laid before you worry about online losers.”
Luca’s eyes lit up, “Yeah, okay.” He turned around in the chair, kneeling up so he could reach over the back of it, “Gimme a sec though, I just thought of a really funny taunt.” Norton sighed, picking up Luca by his waist, carrying him to their bedroom. “Oh, no…” Luca said, in totally fake disappointment. “You’re going to have to give me a lot of dick to make up for ruining my plans, Campbell…”
Norton snorted, “Yeah, totally unlike what I usually do.” He tossed Luca on the bed, “Sorry you’re too busy getting dicked down to hang out on the incel forums. I feel real bad for you, truly.”
Luca wasted no time unbuttoning Norton’s pants, “Y’know… I know one thing that will make me feel better…” He helped off Norton’s shirt, trailing his hands up the other’s front, “One, small thing… that you could do…”
“Yeah?”
Luca leaned into Norton’s neck, kissing at his jaw, before whispering in his ear, “Let me fuck you in the ass .”
Norton pushed Luca off of him, pinning him down into the bed. “Absolutely not,” he couldn’t help but chuckle a little, “The hell’s wrong with you?”
“...Ah, worth a shot,” Luca sighed, “Maybe I’ll settle for those tits of yours.”
Norton already had his belt off, “Maybe. If you shut up and start sucking.”
“Yes, sir. ”
Aesop wasn’t bothered. Absolutely not. It wasn’t his concern if some troll decided to stir things up. He wasn’t affected by obviously untrue words. Unfortunately, Aesop’s fellow user wasn’t as tactful. They were both in agreement that this wasn’t gay at all, at least. It was probably the first thing they have agreed on…
It was nice having someone on his side of the argument, even if said argument was pointless and stupid. Why would he fight someone he wanted to kiss? It made no sense. Besides, of course he was straight. Not that there was anything wrong with being gay… but he wasn’t. He liked… breasts. And, uh… plenty of other womanly characteristics. He was just too irritated to think of any.
He started typing another reply.
---
van_de_grASS
> yeah ok lol. as if the topic isn’t just an excuse to fight each other. it’s soooo obvious you want to kiss.
inbalmcel
> Dear van_de_grASS, that is not true.
vrgntykeeper
> Absolutely not! I don’t care if you want to be gay, but I’m not. And certainly not for someone like him.
van_de_grASS
> so you talk for hours a day because you don’t like each other?
vrgntykeeper
> Yes!! Clearly!
van_de_grASS
> @inbalmcel literally brought up your cock size ten minutes ago.
inbalmcel
> It was relevant to the discussion, he is 6’1” and is far more likely to have a large member. What part of this are you not understanding?
van_de_grASS
> gay.
vrgntykeeper
> He doesn’t speak for me! And shut up! Stop talking about that!!
---
The third user had stopped replying at some point, but for some reason, it didn’t make Aesop feel any better. Perhaps they did debate ideas a lot… but wasn’t that the point of a forum? Discussing with people? Did it really matter if it tended to be the same person every time?
No, of course not. That man was simply projecting his own feelings onto their discourse. Aesop decided to just get off, and get ready for bed. Think about it later. Or not, it didn’t matter at all.
Andrew, unfortunately, had an eight hour shift at work ahead of him, to stew in his feelings. He had no idea who @van_de_grASS was, or what their deal was. They hadn’t even made any other comments… did someone make the account just to fuck with them? Well, him, of course, he didn’t care if that other user got called gay.
The more he thought about it, in his long hours alone, the less comfortable he felt. Scrolling through his past posts… ninety-five percent of them were arguing with the same user. It didn’t make him gay by any stretch of the word, but he didn’t want to lend to that perception.
He started typing out a direct message.
---
[to: imbalmcel]
vrgntykeeper: Hi, look, obviously I dislike you immensely, and you clearly have some grudge against me, and no one in their right mind could think we even slightly liked each other…
vrgntykeeper: But after earlier, I don’t want to leave any room for questioning. I think it’s best if we just ignore each other’s posts from now on.
vrgntykeeper: I hope you at least have enough sense to agree to that.
---
There. That should put an end to it, and hopefully that awful troll from earlier would leave it, too. And… he hadn’t really thought of it, but this would leave him with a lot more free time. He’d really neglected the rest of the site as of late… maybe he’d find some actually helpful discussion there.
Aesop glanced at the messages on his phone. That was sensible. As biting as the other’s words always sounded, he had to agree. Being thought of as gay would ruin both their chances if some woman… stumbled upon the site… and wanted to date… Which could happen. Anyway, he was fine with it.
---
[to: vrgntykeeper]
imbalmcel: Sounds good. I am in full agreement.
---
Aesop kept with his normal routine. He posted some new thoughts before work, before getting ready and heading downstairs. It was a normal day at work, fairly quiet. Just himself, really. He checked his phone at lunch and on breaks, seeing zero replies to his post.
Normally, by this point, he’d already had a lengthy argument on it. He always made sure to be prepared to defend his points. It was almost disappointing not getting to do so. But someone else could always engage, it didn’t have to be that holier-than-thou ass.
By the time he finished up work, going upstairs, he actually did find a comment attached to his post. He opened it to see… ah. A three word message calling him a slur for a racial group he didn’t even belong to. Not exactly riveting discourse…
He thought about his agreement with the other man… ignore didn’t mean don’t look, right? Looking was fine. Aesop got back to his profile, looking through it. Oh, turns out he did make a post this morning. An overly emotional rant about how PDA in public parks should be banned… the absurdity of it made him chuckle.
Aesop had a lot of things to say… and decided to just write them down instead. He just needed to get them out of his head, even if he couldn’t share them… no matter how badly he wanted to correct the other man’s logical fallacies.
Until he got another message.
---
[from: vrgntykeeper]
vrgntykeeper: Sorry, are you purposefully taunting me? The last thing you just posted was clearly vaguing at me.
imbalmcel: What? Not everything is about you. If anything, you’re the one who’s still upset. That last post was dramatic, even for you.
vrgntykeeper: I’m dramatic because I don’t want to see attractive couples practically having sex in public?
imbalmcel: I would bet a lot of money that they were simply making out, and that was too much for you to handle.
vrgntykeeper: Putting your tongue down someone’s throat is the step before putting it in their other holes! It’s indecent!
vrgntykeeper: Besides, you’re one to talk. How many hours did you spend mapping out the facial symmetry of average looking male celebrities, again? Maybe that’s why you can’t find a girlfriend.
---
Aesop raised an eyebrow. The other was still looking at his posts, too? He didn’t know he was that interested… Or maybe it was just for more ammunition.
---
imbalmcel : The fact that they’re average to you… Why do you even spend time on here, with your apparently sculpted physique?
vrgntykeeper: As per usual, you have no idea what you’re talking about.
imbalmcel: Enlighten me.
Andrew thought he was done with the other, but of course, he just had to wake up to another egregiously wrong post. There was no way this wasn’t on purpose. When he saw the other online, right about the time he was getting off work, he shot him a message. Not that Andrew knew his schedule, he just noted he was most active during a certain time. He had to mentally prepare himself for the other’s stupidity, after all.
---
[from: imbalmcel]
imbalmcel: Enlighten me.
vrgntykeeper: Fine.
vrgntykeeper: But, I can’t do so in the public threads, and this website’s DMs are awful… I’d hate for my argument to be cheapened by the character limit.
vrgntykeeper: Perhaps we could move to a different platform?
vrgntykeeper: I understand if you don’t want to be proven wrong, however.
imbalmcel: I’m listening.
imbalmcel: Like, some social media?
vrgntykeeper: Do you have social media?
imbalmcel: No. Do you?
---
Andrew groaned. It was obvious neither of them would have reason to connect with people. Why would he even ask?
---
vrgntykeeper: No.
imbalmcel: Shame. It would have been a good way to prove you’re not an incel.
---
Of course that’s what he was doing. He typed out his own proposal, but hesitated before he pressed send. For some reason, it made his chest feel heavy to think about.
---
vrgntykeeper: Phone numbers makes the most sense, no reason to over-complicate things.
---
He felt worse in the beat before the other’s reaction.
---
imbalmcel: Sure. That seems like the easiest way for me to tell you how wrong you are.
imbalmcel: (413) - 511 - 3124
---
Andrew froze.
---
vrgntykeeper: Is this some kind of prank? This is a new low, even for you.
imbalmcel: …What? Didn’t you just ask for it?
vrgntykeeper: That’s my area code! Did you doxx me or something? Or did someone else tell you? Just to come up with a fake number and mess with me?
imbalmcel: No. Call it. I’ll prove it.
---
Call it? That was… well… it wasn’t unreasonable. Andrew just… didn’t really talk to people. His boss, and that was it. He mostly texted or wrote. He glanced down at the number pad, before punching it in.
[Hello? ] Came the answer, quickly. It was surprisingly gentle. He sounded young… early twenties, not forty or anything, thank goodness. [Is this… virginity keeper? ]
Andrew was aghast at his screen name being uttered aloud. “N-no!”
[Oh. ]
“I-I mean, yes, but don’t… call me that…” He really didn’t plan to be in this situation when he signed up.
[What should I call you? ] Came the reply.
“...” Sharing his name felt like a step too far… but going by his username was worse. “...You can call me Andrew, I suppose.”
[I see. Hello, Andrew. ] It was too much. Andrew covered his face. He felt like he was going to pass out. Was this what happened when you went years without casual social interaction? Even just having his name called was… Unrelated, Andrew put an ice-pack between his thighs. To prevent any awkward coincidences. He didn’t want to have a completely random boner while talking to a guy, after all.
“A-and you?” Andrew asked, “I’m not going to make myself look like a f-fool by addressing you as your screen-name.” If Andrew had to share his name, so would the other.
[My name is Aesop.] The other stated, [I would say pleasure to meet you, but… I don’t think this counts as a first meeting. ] Andrew agreed there. [Also, it is not a pleasure. ] Okay, well, maybe he didn’t have to point that out constantly.
“What kind of a name is Aesop…” Andrew muttered.
[It’s mine.] Silence. [So… we live in the same town? ]
“A-apparently.”
[Do you want to come over? ]
“What?” Andrew choked out, “To your house?”
[I want to see what you look like…]
“W-why would you-”
[To see if you’re lying about being hideous.]
There it was. “Why would I lie about that? That doesn’t make any sense…” He groaned. Andrew was uncertain. He guessed it didn’t matter if Aesop thought he was ugly or not, but… it was only natural to not want people to see your undesirable parts. And for Andrew, that was generally his entire body. “...I don’t know.” His grip tightened on his coat, “You’ll probably think I’m a monster.” He only wanted Aesop to think poorly of him for his opinions on bone structure, not his looks.
[...It’s okay. I’m ugly too. So even if you are so monstrous…] Aesop hummed, [We’ll just both be ugly. That’s not so bad.]
He did have a point… And maybe it would be nice to leave the house. Aesop already hated him, and he already hated Aesop, so even if things went badly… they wouldn’t lose anything. They’d just remain enemies. “...Alright, but, I can’t drive, so I’m not sure how I’d get to you…” Andrew said, still hesitant. He could still be miles away.
[Where do you live?]
“...I live in a house just outside Laz Cemetery, it’s where I work.” He said, “And it’s honest work, so you’d better not tell me it’s creepy or change your mind because-” Andrew heard a giggle from over the phone, stopping his sentence dead. It made his face heat up… from embarrassment, of course, as he was obviously being mocked. “A-are you laughing at me!? I knew you’d-”
[...You’re not going to believe this.]
Andrew came up to the door of the funeral home. It was dusk by now, the sun not fully down, but low enough to not be a bother. It was only a short walk over, as the cemetery and funeral home were understandably close together.
He hadn’t gone over to anyone’s house… ever. Not socially, like this. It was nerve-wracking. What if this was a trap, or scam? A funeral home would be… an odd setting… but he could still be attacked. Or, what if Aesop was a serial killer? Granted, Andrew was much taller and fairly strong from his job… unless Aesop was lying about his height.
Aesop was having a similar dilemma on the other side of the door. He’d just invited someone over… from the internet! His dad told him off about talking to people online for years, and now he was just… throwing caution to the wind. What if Andrew was going to kidnap him? Or worse, what if he was an incel for a reason and they had a terribly awkward night and he wouldn’t take the hint to leave and Aesop had to be pointedly direct and it got even more awkward, and-
Andrew knocked on the door, forcing himself to do it before he left.
Aesop’s eyes went wide. He took a deep breath, before swinging the door open to get it over with.
They looked each other up and down, both a bit bewildered by the other’s presence. They spoke at the same time, voices overlapping,
“I knew it, you were handsome!” “Y-you’ve been this pretty all along!?”
Aesop tilted his head, brows furrowed, glancing up at Andrew, who seemed very taken aback. “What did you say?” He asked.
“No, what did you say?” Andrew replied, shaken.
“I said… I was right.” He gestured at Andrew, “You’re not a real incel. You’re obnoxiously handsome,” Aesop seemed a little irritated by this fact. “You’re so tall, and you have such strong, masculine features, a-and your hair is so long and pretty.”
“...What on earth are you talking about?” Andrew asked, certain he was being pranked by now. Did he wake up in someone else’s body and not realize? He avoided looking in the mirror, so maybe. It was more likely than someone calling him handsome.
“Come inside,” Aesop said, shutting the door behind him. He got a little mirror and a ruler, holding it up to Andrew’s face, “Look how sharp your jawline is! Your face is so well-defined…” He nodded, “I’m sure of it. You only can’t get laid because of your terrible personality.”
“H-hey!” Andrew pushed him off, “You don’t know what you’re talking about. Besides, you’re calling me the liar? You said you were ugly, not some lithe pretty boy-” He said, regarding him with a disgusted look. “Do you really cry about being ugly with those gorgeous, stormy grey eyes?” He scoffed, “You don’t know what it’s like to be called a freak for how you look.”
“Not really, but- why-” Aesop squinted, “Wait, because you’re albino?”
“I-I don’t want your pity or anything-”
“Good. You’re not going to get it,” Aesop said, “Look at how many cool albino anime characters there are - how on earth would white hair and pink eyes make you less attractive?”
“Well…” Andrew said, struggling for a response against that strange reaction. He didn’t think the logic held up. “...You’re one to bring up anime, I’ve never even seen hair like this,” He said, leafing through Aesop’s bangs, “Soft and silvery- You must dye it, right? That’s pathetic.”
Aesop pushed his hand away, “I don’t dye it. Why would I want to look like an old man?”
Andrew scoffed, “An old man? Your skin’s so soft and smooth, and look how sharp your facial features are… If anything, I look like an old man. Don’t forget I have white hair , and I’m all scarred up compared to you-”
“But you’re also huge and muscular and ruggedly handsome, being a little scarred just adds to it. Maybe you think you look old because half your face is covered up-” Aesop brushed Andrew’s hair out of his eyes, taking his face in his hands. “You’re beautiful. How could anyone- uh- a-any girl turn this down?”
Andrew’s breath hitched, taking Aesop’s wrist in his hand, “S-shut up.”
“No,” Aesop said, determined to prove his point.
Andrew pressed Aesop into the wall, faces inches apart, “Y-you don’t know what you’re talking about. No woman could ever want me.”
Aesop glanced up at Andrew, wide-eyed. “Well…” he started, breathless, “...I’m not a woman.”
“...”
Aesop wrapped his arms around Andrew as the latter leaned in, kissing each other desperately. Their eagerness made up for the lack of experience, making out hungrily and savoring every touch. Andrew melted against the other, groaning and whimpering, “Nngh- A-Aesop- hah-”
Aesop had one hand on Andrew’s jaw, the other quickly moving under his shirt. “Andrew~” he moaned into the kiss, slipping in some tongue which was readily reciprocated. Aesop panted, barely pulling back for breath.
Both of them were so painfully hard by this point, before even touching their dicks. The much-needed intimacy was overwhelming. Aesop felt like he was drowning under the other man’s touch, and Andrew felt dizzy enough to black out. Neither of them wanted this to end, only desperate for more.
Andrew pulled Aesop in closer, causing their crotches to brush up against each other. That was enough for both of them to bust, a string of half-prayers falling from Andrew’s lips as he jizzed down his pant leg. Aesop was similarly fucked, groaning Andrew’s name as his eyes rolled back and he stuffed his boxers with cum.
Aesop slid down the wall, chest heaving from the ordeal. Andrew fell to his knees, and Aesop helped him from collapsing completely. They laid back against the wall together, staring forward.
“Oh my God,” Andrew said, low and breathy, “That’s what sex feels like?”
“...We didn’t even undress. Real, actual, sex must be even better.”
Andrew exhaled, shaking his head, “...Better than that?” That was already mind-shatteringly good. “Maybe we should work up to it…?”
“...Good idea.” Aesop glanced up to him. “Does this mean you want to have sex?”
“I…” Andrew looked a bit horrified. “I- I think I do…? What does that mean? Are we gay?” He wanted to keep going so badly it nearly hurt, but his frail, touch-starved heart could only take so much.
“...Maybe,” Aesop said, a little perturbed himself. “Do you want to be…” he glanced up to Andrew, “...boyfriends?”
Andrew’s eyes widened, his dick tenting his pants. “B-boyfriends? Oh, God…” The idea of being touched like that every day… after going without for years and years. Even just having someone around… It was a lot. Too much, right now. “...Maybe? I don’t know.”
Aesop nodded, “Okay.” He paused, “Do you want to try touching each other over our clothes?”
Andrew let out a sad little noise as the question alone made him drip pre. “A-alright.” They leaned against each other, thighs pressing up together. Aesop reached over, gingerly squeezing the bulge in Andrew’s pants. Andrew gasped, hunched over, covering his face with his far hand. He was already shaking.
Andrew moved his hand into Aesop’s lap, to return the favor. Aesop cried out, feeling the other’s strong hand grip down on his crotch. Aesop couldn’t resist the urge to rub into it, just a little. It made Andrew feel a bit dirty, but even more aroused as Aesop kept stroking his boner with his slender fingers. He whimpered from the feeling, almost unbearable.
Aesop was already squirming under the touch, biting back moans, but Andrew came first. He doubled over, moaning and trembling, his whole body going tense. Including his fist, which gripped Aesop’s crotch tight as he came. Aesop yelped, biting his lip as he shot his load. He slumped down, back on the floor, shaking from the intensity.
“T-this feels really fast, right?” Aesop asked.
Andrew glanced down at Aesop, a bit judgmentally, “Porn has probably colored your expectations of sex. That’s why I don’t watch it.”
Aesop frowned, grabbing his phone and googling it. “...The average man lasts six minutes.”
Andrew sat up, leaning over Aesop, “What? That can’t be true, let me see that.” He took the phone, and frowned. “T-that’s…”
“...I hope we really are gay, because we’ll never satisfy a woman like this,” Aesop groaned, putting an arm over his eyes, “...We’re pathetic...”
“...H-hey, speak for yourself…” Andrew protested, weakly, before giving up, “...No, you’re right, looks won’t matter if we’d cum on a woman’s thigh before we even got close to putting it in…”
Okay, this was getting a little sad. “Maybe we can practice?” Aesop suggested. “By trying not to cum?”
That was certainly a suggestion. Andrew swallowed, “We could… take off our pants, this time. I-I just mean because sex isn’t over one’s jeans- it wouldn’t help as much.”
“Okay,” Aesop said, maybe a little too quickly. He wanted to see the thing that made such a bulge in Andrew’s pants. He took off his own, hesitantly sliding off his boxers. His cock stood almost straight up, curving back toward his stomach.
Andrew stared, only distantly realizing he was supposed to do the same. “Oh, God, I…” His eye twitched. That was certainly a dick. “I’ve never seen someone naked before.”
Aesop blushed, “O-oh. I’ve never seen an alive person naked, before, myself.”
“Excuse me? ”
“It’s your turn… to take off your pants.” He moved over, kneeling in front of Andrew. “I can help… if it’s too hard. But I did it, so… you have to, too.”
Andrew bit his lip, “A-alright, you can.” He could do it himself, but… for some reason he really liked the idea of Aesop taking his pants off. And the other did so deftly, unbuttoning his jeans, pulling them down, and letting his cock fall out. Andrew’s was definitely bigger than Aesop’s, so thick and heavy that even fully erect, it hung down a little.
“Andrew,” Aesop said, like the wind had been knocked out of him, “You’re huge.”
Andrew was well aware. His dick had mostly been a constant nuisance to him, impossible to hide when he did get hard. Now, though… Seeing Aesop’s breath taken away at the sight… it almost felt a little worth it. “H-how do you want to do this?” He asked, flushed.
“Sit back again,” Aesop said, spreading Andrew’s legs as he did so. He braced himself on Andrew’s shoulders, taking a deep breath, before pressing their members against each other. “O-oh, fuck-” Aesop gasped, not even moving much. Andrew’s warmth right up against his dick… the intimacy of having their most sensitive spots right up against each other… There was no way he was going to last.
Andrew wasn’t even aware this was a thing you could… do. Did this count as sex? Did other people do this? “Why do you know so much about gay sex?” Andrew whined, gently holding Aesop’s hips, but putting most of his effort into not blowing early.
“I don’t-! I just thought this would- nngh- f-feel good-”
“W-well, it does!” He spat, somehow negatively. “A-Are you going to move?”
“...I think if I do t-that, I’ll c-cum,” Aesop said, panting slightly.
Andrew bit his lip, “W-we can’t just sit here…”
Aesop sighed, clenching his teeth. He started to rock his hips into Andrew’s, frotting their dicks against each other. It felt so much better than over the clothes touching, his length alight with pleasure. He got to feel the full sensitivity of it, and it felt amazing. He leaned into Andrew, kissing him passionately as he rocked into him faster.
Andrew gripped Aesop’s hips suddenly, stopping him. “I can’t-” he whimpered, “S-slower. It feels too good, Aesop-”
“W-what’s wrong with feeling good?” Aesop asked. If either of them remembered their initial goal, neither wanted to voice it. Aesop and Andrew weren’t really thinking about the future women they’d sleep with at this point. Aesop leaned back in to make out, desperately grinding their cocks together. Aesop whispered Andrew’s name every time he pulled away to breathe, almost like a prayer.
“Aesop,” Andrew whined, hips jerking with need. He couldn’t go back from this. Back to avoiding jerking off, frequent cold showers… he couldn’t imagine it. Not after experiencing the highs of sex with a man - sex with Aesop. His preoccupation with women was getting to be more and more performatory. Just as a shield from feeling as gay as he knew he was.
He just couldn’t deny how good this felt. On the verge of the best orgasm of his life, shaking and moaning and seeing stars. Aesop pressed up against his front, his cock squished between them. The friction between them was so good… but not quite enough. In hasty desperation, he pulled Aesop closer, around his waist, rubbing his cock against the other like a needy animal. Andrew shuddered, groaning, painting both their stomachs in his load. His head was buried in Aesop’s neck, clutching him tight.
Aesop was transfixed. “You came so much,” he said, as they pulled away. “...It’s-” his breath caught, “I-it makes me kind of hot to be covered in your cum.”
Andrew covered his face, “D-don’t say it like that-!”
“-But I haven’t finished yet,” Aesop said, and Andrew sucked a breath through his teeth.
“W-wait- it’s too sensitive, I-” he gasped as Aesop frotted against him with no mercy, practically crushing their dicks together. “Aesop- Aesop-” Andrew breathed, unsure if he wanted to beg the other to stop or continue. It was painfully good, overwhelmingly so. He wanted to sob and press his hips into the touch at the same time.
Aesop bit his lip, eye rolling back in an expression that made Andrew drip. “I’m gonna come- Andrew- I-” he leaned in, stealing a desperate kiss from the other as he humped against his dick. “F-fuck- Andrew-!” Aesop jerked his hips into the other, moaning obscenely as he squirted his load all over Andrew’s cock. “Hah… ah…” He kept grinding into him, biting his lip as it became too much.
He slumped forward into Andrew’s arms, uncaring that they were both half-naked and covered in jizz. “...Would you like to stay over?” Aesop asked.
“...Only because I’m not sure I could walk home…” He glanced down, with a little disgust, “A-and because all my clothes have been… dirtied…”
“...I’ll put them in the wash.” Aesop stood up, on shaky legs. “We can go to my bedroom.”
Andrew stood up as well, feeling just as worn out, “Okay.”
Aesop took Andrew’s hand, causing both of them to flush bright red. And maybe get a little hard again.
“...Does this mean we can’t post on the forum anymore?” Andrew asked, “Do we still count as incels?”
“Uh…” Aesop thought for a moment, “Well… we still haven’t properly fucked each other… so I don’t think it counts yet. But…” he glanced away, a little blushy, “I only really liked talking to you on there, anyways.”
Andrew was going to die. He would not admit the same, half because of emotional repression, and half because that confession might take a physical toll on him. Instead, he settled for something debatably worse. “I-if we go up to your bedroom…” The words seemed a physical struggle to get out, “...C-can I be the little spoon?”
Aesop’s eyes widened, “What?”
“D-don’t make me repeat it!” Andrew said, curtly, knowing full well he heard.
“...I was just surprised,” Aesop spoke, slightly amused, hand on his jaw. “Why not?” He was mostly excited to play with Andrew’s hair while the other slept.
“Alright… thank you…” Andrew muttered, letting Aesop lead him upstairs..