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He can’t get up. Why can’t he get up? He should be able to get up. He has to get up. He has to go to school. He needs to go to school. Why does he feel like this?
Charlie rolls over and curls in on himself, snuggling into the warmth of his pillow. He hates having days like this. Days where he sleeps and sleeps and still feels tired. Days when he cries for no reason. Days when he feels physically heavy and he doesn't know why. Days when he wishes he could just fade away into darkness and get erased from existence.
These days are not an uncommon occurrence, they happen every few days to every few weeks, and some were worse than others. Some lasted a few hours and some lasted a few days. The ones that lasted days were the worst ones, because they would cause Charlie to lose focus and motivation for absolutely everything in his life. He wouldn’t drum, he wouldn’t do his homework, he wouldn’t text his friends, and sometimes he just wouldn’t go to school. The worst part is that there was nothing anyone could really do about it. There’s no immediate fix for these dark moods. He just had to let them run their course and hope they wouldn’t last too long.
Charlie reached out from under his bundle of blankets, groaning, to grab his phone from his nightstand. He wants to text Nick. He needs to know that his boyfriend is there for him. He doesn’t want to talk about his feelings per say, he just wants to know that he is loved. After about three minutes of trying to figure out what to say, he settled on something simple and unassuming.
Charlie: morning :)
As he waited for a reply, he felt his chest tighten up. This happened a lot, but especially on bad days. He would get anxious for absolutely no reason and it felt like there was a block of solid iron in his chest. He could still breathe fine, he never experienced the “I literally can not breathe” symptom of anxiety. However, his chest would tighten up and everything felt incredibly lightweight, like he was floating.
Nick: morning Char <3
Nick: how are you doing?
Charlie just stared at his phone. He blinked once. Twice. Three times. Desperately trying to avoid tearing up.
Charlie: ive been better
Nick: do you wanna talk about it?
Charlie: not really…
Charlie: i’ll be fine, i just feel shitty today
Charlie took a shaky breath in. He knows that Nick won’t force him to talk if he doesn't want to, but it's still so hard.
Nick: are you feeling up to going to school today?
Charlie: im not sure, but i think im going to try
Nick: okay
Nick: if you need anything just let me know alright?
Charlie: alright
Nick: i love you
Charlie: i love you too
Charlie sighs and rolls out of bed. He feels so heavy. Why does he feel so heavy? He barely registers the fact that he’s put on his school uniform and is now putting on his shoes. As much as he knows he needs too, he can’t muster any energy to brush his hair or teeth. He just finishes tying his shoes, grabs his backpack, and walks out the door. He doesn’t bother grabbing his lunch out of the fridge, it’s not like he’ll eat it anyways.
Charlie gets to school a little later than usual, but he’s still on time for class. As he walks towards his usual table with Nick, he keeps his head low and doesn’t make eye contact with anyone. Slowly, he sits down next to his boyfriend. Neither of them said a word, and the tension in the air was palpable.
Nick was the one who spoke up first. “Char?”
In response, Charlie placed his arms and head down on the table. He can’t do this. Not now. He just needs to get through the day and he’ll be fine. He needs to be fine.
“Charlie?” Nick lays his head down on the desk so he’s at the same level. Charlie twitches as he begins to look up, but quickly changes his decision and looks back down.
“Charlie, love, are you going to be able to get through the day?”
Charlie felt some warmth rise in his chest at the sound of the familiar pet name. “Yeah. I- I think I can get through the day.”
Nick placed his hand next to Charlie's arm and rubbed small circles on his sweater sleeve. “Text me if you need anything at all, okay?”
“Okay.” Charlie whispered. They were silent for a moment before Charlie spoke up again. “Actually… do you think you could come over after school? My parents are out with Olly and Tori is spending tonight at a friend's house, and I don’t want to be alone…”
Nick’s face softened. “Of course, of course I can do that. I’ll meet you by your locker and then we can walk back to your place? Is that alright?”
Charlie nodded his head slowly.
As long as he could get through the day, he would be fine.
“Hi.”
Charlie turned his head to see Nick leaning on the locker next to Charlie’s. The effort it took to just look at his boyfriend must have shown in Charlie’s eyes, because Nick’s face softened with worry.
“Are you ready to go?”
Charlie nodded, not wanting to waste his energy on words. Luckily Nick understands and doesn’t try to push Charlie to ‘use his words’ like some people do.
Their walk home was silent. Charlie kept his eyes down the whole time. He desperately wanted to reach out and hold Nick’s hand, but for some reason he couldn’t. He just couldn’t. It was as though some invisible force was making him retreat into his own little shell. By the time they arrived at Charlie’s house, Charlie was tapping his fingers together anxiously, and he started to flap his hands.
“C’mon Char, let’s get upstairs, yeah?”
Charlie nodded and breathed in shakily, still flapping his hands. The couple walked up the stairs together, but Nick entered Charlie’s room first. Almost immediately, Nick stripped himself of his hoodie and held it out to Charlie, who promptly took off his coat and uniform in exchange for his boyfriend’s hoodie. Nick approached Charlie and softly kissed him on the forehead.
“Do you want to cuddle?” Nick asked.
“Yeah,” Charlie whispered, “yeah… I’d like that.”
They both crawled into Charlie’s messy bed and snuggled in under the covers. Charlie buried his face into Nick’s chest immediately and attempted to take a deep breath. Key word: attempted. His breath hitched on the way in and soon enough, Charlie was sobbing silently into his boyfriend’s chest. Nick carded his fingers through his boyfriend’s hair, whispering sweet nothings.
After quite a while, Charlie’s sobs quieted down, and his breathing grew heavy. Nick gazed lovingly at his boyfriend, observing that he was now asleep. Nick knew that days like these took a lot out of Charlie, and he would most likely be asleep for a while. Until then, Nick would stay right where he is, because he would do anything to make Charlie’s day even a little bit better.