Archive of Our Own

Everyday Kim Dokja wakes up to a reality of his identity not existing.

Mornings, for him, came like a bang. Opening his eyes realizing that he was in an unfamiliar location, lying down on an unfamiliar bed, wearing unfamiliar clothes.

What should have been a blue-colored wall was now replaced with a hue of cream. Staring directly above him was a white ceiling to which he’s pretty sure it was not that white when he slept the night before.

He scanned the room hoping to see at least a familiar object that would put him at ease. However, there was none.

Even the furniture were not the same; his collection of novels were not on the shelves — for starters, the very shelf itself that he had purchased after working long hours in his part time work was missing.

He gazed down at his wrists looking for signs of wounds or torture but there were none.

Kidnapping? Abduction? He’s not too sure… Or maybe, another method of heinous crime.

He assessed the room hoping to see any possible escape routes when suddenly a piece of paper atop the end table caught his eye. As he was about to reach out, the bedroom door suddenly flew open. Turning around, his eyes widened and his stomach dropped upon seeing the man that entered the room.

“Why is he here?”, he thought.

But before he could interrogate him about his situation, the man spoke, “Oh… you’re already awake. I’ve made some breakfast.”

Kim Dokja blinked rapidly.

No way

He knew that guy really well.

They stared at each other for a minute until Kim Dokja noticed the state he was in. He quickly bundled himself up with the bed sheets and hid the entirety of his body underneath it. There was no way he would show his unseemingly appearance to this handsome, well-built and popular guy. He could not even fathom why on earth would “the Yoo Joonghyuk” barge inside the room, wearing a laced apron and telling him to eat breakfast with him.

He slapped himself on the face — checking whether this was a made-up illusion that his tired self concocted.

But, it wasn’t.

The slap only gave him writhing pain.

Kim Dokja peeked out of the bed sheets every now and then, trying to confirm whether it was truly Yoo Joonghyuk right before him.

The man in question, meanwhile, remained unmoved and simply looked at him. It was like examining a real-life statue.

Kim Dokja’s fingers tightened around the sheet, taking a deep breath, he peeked out for the very last time. With enough courage, he asked, “Wha— what are you doing here? and where am I…”

For a fleeting moment, Kim Dokja saw a pained expression flit over Yoo Joonghyuk’s face.

“Was it bad to ask…”

Yoo Joonghyuk did not answer immediately. Similar as before, he only stood still.

Soon, the room was filled with stifling silence to the point that Dokja could not bear it anymore.

“If you don’t want to sa—“

“Just eat… I’ll explain.”, Yoo Joonghyuk interrupted.

He looked up and saw Yoo Joonghyuk gazing at him with cautious eyes. And Kim Dokja could only nod in response.

Joonghyuk nodded back and softly murmured, “good…” before disappearing into another room.

Kim Dokja waited for several minutes before entangling himself out of the bunch of sheets wrapped around him. With a heavy sigh, Kim Dokja stepped out of the bed and took another look at the room. It was true that when he woke up, he felt amiss but for some reason, after staying here for quite some time the feeling of comfort came rushing in. Was it due to the appearance of Joonghyuk?

His eyes, then, swept over the piece of paper that he had found earlier.

Oh right!

Quickly approaching it, he picked it up and unfolded it revealing two words, “Trust him”

“Who’s him” and what’s even more baffling was that it was written by him. He knew his handwriting well and that’s definitely his.

If he could just have an idea of what’s going on then maybe he would be able to make a better sense out of everything.

Thinking that he’ll question Yoo Joonghyuk about it later, he placed it back in its original position. In the process, however, his hand happened to nudge a black phone out of its place causing it to move towards the edge and fall down the floor. The loud thud almost made him jump in fright

Sighing once again, he ducked down in an attempt to pick it up. The crash, however, resulted for the phone to open accidentally. Fearing that he might have damaged it, he swiftly moved. Yet, his hand stopped midway and he was left blinking in confusion. What laid upon his eyes was a picture of him and Yoo Joonghyuk with Joonghyuk’s arms wrapped around his waist as if he was hugging him. The very photo itself was saved as a screensaver.

Kim Dokja could never imagine that he could smile like that, more so to be with Yoo Joonghyuk.

He could not remember when… where… why… and how this photo came about. As he tried to recall, pain began to bloom around his temple. A nagging ringing at the back of his mind started and continuously did with no intention of stopping. He gripped the side of the end table hoping that by doing so would ease the headache he's experiencing.

Kim Dokja managed to ignore the knocking and voice of worry echoing behind the door. At the next moment, a loud bang startled him. Seeing Yoo Joonghyuk, right before him, the ringing inside his head got worse.

“Dokja!”

Kim Dokja looked up to find Yoo Joonghyuk with an expression that he could barely decipher. Slowly, cautiously he was approached by Yoo Joonghyuk.

He flinched at the touch on his shoulder

“Wha—what’s going on?”, he terrifiedly asked.

And that’s when Yoo Joonghyuk finally revealed one of the hundreds of things about Kim Dokja that he doesn’t know about himself.

“…you’re sick. You’re diagnosed with anterograde amnesia.”

This was the moment Kim Dokja realized that his mornings are no longer dedicated to reading novels but relearning about himself.

—————-

“We’re dating”, that’s what Yoo Joonghyuk told Kim Dokja.

Unsure about what to say, Dokja’s mouth remained hanging as he continued to process the two out of hundred informations that he had received about himself.

When did we become boyfriends?

Who confessed first?

How did it came about?

How long have we been together?

When was our first kiss? first sex? anniversary?

Are we living together?

He has thousands of unspoken questions but only one person to answer those.

Dokja was fortunate enough that Yoo Joonghyuk’s willing to tell him everything patiently and with an utmost care right from the very start up until the present. For the most part, he became aware that his memory only lasted until his college days, a time when he only considered Yoo Joonghyuk as a close friend. Everyday he would wake up and all the memories he gathered on the previous day would be inaccessible to him.

He, then, came to realize that the man before him had done this several times—no— everyday for the rest of his life.

Wasn’t it tiring?

Patience was an understatement to describe what Joonghyuk was doing.

To start with… how did love between them even develop?

Was he even in love with Joonghyuk before?

He may have forgotten a great remainder of his life but one thing that he’ll never forget was that day when he met Yoo Joonghyuk. He had to thank his part time job for that. A tall guy, stepping inside of the convenience store, wearing a horrid Christmas sweater on a sweltering noon of July was not a common occurrence in Kim Dokja’s normal everyday life.

It’s summer! It’s July! And Christmas has yet to come until the 4 months are over.

Furthermore, the said guy was not just a simple nobody but a famous one to boot. Most of the students in his University were quite familiar with his name. The ever famous computer science student who won several competitions despite being a freshman. But, this popular student before him — with his whole body sweating all over seemed to be not befitting of his status.

Kim Dokja would forgive him if the Christmas sweater’s kind of cute but no, it’s not. The candy patterns were all over the place and the reindeer seemed to be stitched at the center in quite a hurry.

When Yoo Joonghyuk handed over the meal he intended to buy, Dokja barely moved an inch but instead stared at the horrible shirt in front of him, making him earn a furious glare from Yoo Joonghyuk.

Kim Dokja flinched. He cleared his throat, took the sandwich and coffee and placed them into a bag before saying, “That makes 3,500 won”

He knew he couldn’t talk back against Yoo Joonghyuk and so as he handed over the bag, Kim Dokja yelled silently in his head for Yoo Joonghyuk to leave before a fight ensued. Yet, to his surprise, the guy did not take the bag immediately. He simply stood in front of Kim Dokja, unmoving.

Then, he sighed loudly, “I lost a bet…”

Kim Dokja was taken aback by his statement. Not only did Joonghyuk explained the situation but he also acted bashfully, eyes averting his stare and a hand scratching the back of his neck as if it was the most embarrassing thing he had ever said in his entire life.

He could not help but burst out in laughter. He does agree with his initial impression: not befitting of his popular status, really..

“Well, that’s kind of sad.”, Kim Dokja managed to comment with a big smile on his face.

Surprisingly, Yoo Joonghyuk barely got angry with his response. He was simply stunned. It took a while before Joonghyuk made a light laugh in consideration of Kim Dokja’s comment.

With a soft smile, he took the bag from Kim Dokja’s hand and said, “You’re right…”

After that day, Yoo Joonghyuk frequented the convenience store. He would often tell Kim Dokja that it was just a pure coincidence that he ended up coming everytime it’s his shift. It’s not like Kim Dokja minds, though. Having short conversations with Yoo Joonghyuk is somewhat a thing that he looks forward to everyday.

Later on, their meeting place changed from convenience store to university classroom as they found themselves being classmates on one elective. Even the name calling changed from “convenience story boy” to “Kim Dokja” — a huge step that Dokja appreciates.

They grew closer until they considered each other as close friends, going to lunch, having dinners, sharing notes.

The last thing that he could remember involving Joonghyuk was the night when he finally had the courage to send an invitation message to go out on the weekends— for some, they term it as a date. Right after that Kim Dokja could not recall anymore. It was like a fuzzy blur of memories that were not string together, floating afloat haphazardly in the abyss of his mind.

Yoo Joonghyuk filled him in on the remaining days and years. It was Yoo Joonghyuk, who confessed, first, on one winter evening after inviting him to watch the meteor shower with him.

The stories on how their feelings transitioned from friends to lovers were something that Kim Dokja regretted not remembering. What a waste… truly…

It would be nice if he could repeat that thing all over again just to have an experience of what it was to be first time lovers — a time when infatuation was the main drive in the relationship.

And as if he had achieved a ‘Eureka!’ moment, he shouted incoherent words loudly before blurting out, “Wai— so does this mean that we do those stuff too?!”

Yoo Joonghyuk was surprised for a second before tilting his head and asking, “Stuff??”

Kim Dokja glanced away from Yoo Joonghyuk’s stare with a flush all over his face. “Like… you know… what normal couples normally do, holding hands, kissing and ha—having se—“

“Having sex.”, Yoo Joonghyuk did not take heed in answering. “Yeah”

Kim Dokja blushed even more.

“Ha ha ha… you’re right… normal stuff…”

“But, we did not do it yesterday.”

“Oh…”

There’s no need to clarify

Then, he saw a hand reaching out over to him, he tightly closed his eyes, alarmed on what Joonghyuk’s about to do. Suddenly, he felt Joonghyuk’s hand settle on top of his head, fingers carefully curling and ruffling his hair.

He perked up and Dokja’s eyes widened at the sight of a strangely sweet expression on Joonghyuk’s face despite the rather intimidating appearance. The five years ago him must have been lucky to see this kind of face everyday.

Joonghyuk stroked his hair a few more times before pulling his hand away — and for a second, Dokja wanted to pull back his hand, guide it back to his head and say, ‘Don’t stop’. But, he didn’t. He felt like he was not worthy.

“Let’s go out for today.”, Joonghyuk said as he stood up and cleaned up their plates.

It’s not like he was expecting a lot in one day. With no memories of the past five years, he’s basically back to being a newbie in relationship, newbie in handling this type of Joonghyuk.

——————

Upon stepping outside, Yoo Joonghyuk offered his hand to Kim Dokja.

“What’s that for?”, he asked.

“You don’t know this area so I’m guiding you.” There was an air of confidence around him that made Kim Dokja feel unsettled for some reason.

“I don’t think there’s a need to hold hands, though.”, Kim Dokja averted Joonghyuk’s gaze.

Still, Yoo Joonghyuk did not budge. He didn't comment any further and took a step forward. Further extending his hand, he asked once again, “Shall we?”

Kim Dokja looked down at the offered hand and sighed. Has Yoo Joonghyuk been that pushy ever since?

He, then, looked up and met Yoo Joonghyuk’s face again and his expression remained to be the face of a person who has all the patience in the world.

He finally gave in and took Yoo Joonghyuk’s hand.

“Fine! But if my hands get sweaty then don’t complain.”

Yoo Joonghyuk’s hand closed tightly on Kim Dokja’s, intertwining their fingers and jokingly said, “Your hands are already sweaty as it is.”

Kim Dokja pouted and did not hesitate to lightly hit Yoo Joonghyuk on his side, like his tiny arms could do damage to a big man, in the first place. Still, the thought counts.

It’s a big joke to trust Joonghyuk with his, “you don’t know the area” because clearly he knew. Even though many street signages and landmarks have changed, he’s aware that they’re staying in their own hometown.

When did he become a big flirt?!

The past five years did not bring much changes to the surroundings, only to people. The guy who used to sell those delicious hotteok was no longer in the street corner that’s near the entrance of the University. As Joonghyuk told him, he’s already retired and taking care of his grandchildren. Meanwhile, the other guy who used to push them to buy knock-off clothes from his street shop has already moved his shop to the building beside where he originally was. He’s now legally selling stuff and Kim Dokja got relieved upon hearing it.

But, what also changed was Joonghyuk. He was not THAT caring in the first place or maybe he was… but not THAT obvious. It was him who handed over all the food and utensils when they stopped over for a quick lunch meal at a fast food restaurant. It’s not like having amnesia made him not remember how to eat at a fast food chain.

To think that those gentle actions were something that he never did during their college days.

Not only that but he’s willing to go out of his way to wipe the dirt out of his mouth with tissue. It was fine at first but the unsettling feeling just kept piling up more and more. It was not an issue of dislike but rather an issue of the need to quickly adapt to the situation.

A five year love versus a five year erasure. The level of feelings for each other were not the same. If only he had a love bottle, he would fill up his half-empty jar of feelings quickly.

The stress suddenly built up causing Kim Dokja’s stomach to clench in pain. His head hurts, his stomach hurts and he feels like every bit of his body hurts too much. He hated this kind of feeling. His grip tightened around his stomach and he grunted in pain for a bit.

Alarmed by Kim Dokja’s cry of pain, Yoo Joonghyuk quickly rushed to his side and reached out to stroke his back hoping for the pain to fade away. However, Kim Dokja quickly whacked his hand away.

“Stop doing that…”

Yoo Joonghyuk was confused for a moment. “What that?”

All he wanted was to understand himself and understand Yoo Joonghyuk but everytime he tried to remember, the pain would seep through him in a terrible intensity. He had no choice but to give up.

“You know… being nice and being a gentleman to me… Don’t you used to glare at me?”

Yes, at this point, all he wanted was the past that he understood the most.

“That’s when I haven’t confessed to you. And what’s the matter? Wouldn’t it be much better?”

“I feel weird. It’s all new…” But right after the words came out of his mouth, Kim Dokja wanted to take them back.

“I’m sorry that was insensitive of me.”, he apologized immediately.

“New… I see…”, Yoo Joonghyuk whispered lightly. He never said anything more and simply stood up. Kim Dokja quickly grabbed hold of his arm in a desperate attempt to re-do what he had done. He was afraid of this relationship but at the same time, he doesn’t want to be the very reason for the face Yoo Joonghyuk’s putting up right now. Quite a contradiction.

“…Have I—“ Kim Dokja paused for a moment and steadied his heartbeat. “Have I done this to you several times already?”

A melancholic smile appeared on Yoo Joonghyuk’s lips and he patted Kim Dokja’s hands that were gripping tightly on his sleeves.

“Shall we go to an arcade center?”

“Wha—?!”, Kim Dokja blurted, taken aback by the sudden change in topic. Clearly, Yoo Joonghyuk avoided answering the question.

“Arcade center? Let’s go?”, he repeated.

Another sigh escaped Kim Dokja’s lips. “What am I a child?!”

“But that’s something you love to do.” This time Kim Dokja received a genuine smile from Yoo Joonghyuk.

“…Fine.”

————

After that stressful meal, they found themselves inside an arcade center hitting some moles that popped out of the machine.

It was quite exciting that for a brief moment he forgot all his worries and anxieties from earlier. Even Yoo Joonghyuk was so focused on the game that he barely noticed that Dokja left for a moment to get new coins and came back with his pockets full of it.

Amazingly, Yoo Joonghyuk's gamer skills did extend outside of the online gaming realm. Just him playing a simple game of whack-a-mole drew the attention of almost fifty people present in the arcade center.

It dawned on him that he's practically dating an unbelievable person. Well, he may have to admit that his looks are of the average, smarts probably beyond, a nerd for any interesting mystery, thriller novels. But for him to date that kind of guy — that’s basically him stepping inside any romantic comedy novels or movies.

“What do you like about me?”, he suddenly asked Yoo Joonghyuk out of nowhere causing Joonghyuk's hand to stop midway and miss the blue mole that peeked out of the machine's slot.

Yoo Joonghyuk quickly turned towards Kim Dokja with a glare that he's pretty familiar with.

Kim Dokja cleared his throat. "...what do you like about me? I just don't see it. You… could have gotten better."

Yoo Joonghyuk frowned even more. His attention went back to the whack-a-mole game and began hitting the moles that came out with an intensity that's stronger than earlier. To the point that Kim Dokja feared that Yoo Joonghyuk would break the machine.

He finished the game whilst obtaining the high score before answering Kim Dokja, "…what’s there not to like? I just simply like you, both good and bad things included."

Kim Dokja scratched the back of his neck. A visible flush peeking out on his cheeks and ears.

“There you go again...”, he mumbled.

“But you asked and I answered.”, Yoo Joonghyuk replied with an air of confidence.

Not satisfied with the response, Kim Dokja pressed on, “Just tell me the truth”

Yoo Joonghyuk bit his lips. It seemed that he was pinned by Kim Dokja with a very difficult question. He shifted his glance around, looking at each object and person except Kim Dokja.

He, then, finally spoke, “...Stars”

“Huh?”

He made a downward gaze. "It's cheesy…"

"Come on!" Pure excitement glinted in Kim Dokja's eyes.

A sigh escaped Yoo Joonghyuk’s lips.

Finally giving in, he succumbed to his embarrassing past. "Before we met, my friends and I were playing with this app that our class developed. Soulmates kind of thing and they tested it on me. The app said that my partner would have a smile brighter than the stars… and…"

"And?!" Kim Dokja was not even trying to hide his eagerness.

Yoo Joonghyuk covered half of his face and his brows furrowed intensely to the point where his looks alone could kill people.

Then, he continued, "I don't believe in fate or soulmates... but when you saw my Christmas sweater and laughed at me… somehow… somewhere along the line… it looked brighter than any stars out there."

And Kim Dokja immediately burst out in laughter. Wiping the tears that formed under his eyes, he managed to tease him, "You're right. Cheesy"

Kim Dokja, then, noticed that Yoo Joonghyuk's grip on the mallet is starting to tighten at an impressive rate. It has always been like that whenever Yoo Joonghyuk felt cornered or embarrassed.

In order to keep the peace within the premises, he tried his best to stop the bout of his laughter and promised Yoo Joonghyuk that he'll not tease him again.

"So, how many times did I ask you that?", he asked out of sheer curiosity.

He thought for a moment. "Probably, around two to three times."

"I see…" and Dokja smiled. "You remember, well."

"Of course, I do…"

All along it was a love at first sight and Dokja could not help but to glee in delight.

Even though it’s just for the day, he decided to take it one step at a time. To love Joonghyuk one minute at a time. And with every passing minute, he was sure that the intensity of feelings grew.

Feeling satisfied with what he got, Dokja dragged Joonghyuk out of the whack-a-mole station and tried to find other games they could play on. Being in the arcade center was exciting as it is; they could even stay in there for the whole day. Such a shame that he’ll forget all about this the next day.

As they walked past the rows of crane machines, amongst the crowd, Dokja happened to spot a snowy white-haired girl passing by. His feet went from a brisk walk to a sudden stop after realizing who that girl was. He felt his stomach churning for some reason.

The girl, feeling the hard stare on her, turned towards them and responded in a manner in which close friends normally do. She excitedly approached them, waving her hands elegantly which is a mannerism befitting of what Dokja knew about her.

"Joonghyuk! What brou—- eh! Dokja! You're on a date. I'm sorry for disturbing you."

Here’s the thing about college Joonghyuk.

Popular. Check.
Smart. Check.
Idol of many. Check.
Has a close girl friend who has the beauty and kindness of a goddess…

Check.

The girl who appeared was Lee Seolhwa, a close friend of Joonghyuk back in college. There were several rumors that those two were dating and neither of them confirmed nor deny it. Even Dokja questioned it once but he barely got any response. That’s why he also assumed that they were together.

However, based on his narrative earlier, that’s probably not the case or maybe that’s what he hoped so.

As he took a closer look at Seolhwa right now, he could not help but be amazed at how five years made her even more beautiful than what he previously remembered. She is taller, more graceful and has an air that makes you want to stare at her for a long time and even profess your love to her.

Out of the two of them, it was a given that Yoo Joonghyuk was the one who initiated the start of the conversation and it involves more of catching up on things that they’ve been doing since. He would hear his name come up once-in-a-while but he blocked it off, not wanting to listen to what they’re saying about him.

Just by looking at an outside perspective, those two side-by-side makes them a good couple. And Kim Dokja smirked bitterly at the thought of that.

He took around three steps back as the two of them continued to converse. For some reason, he doesn’t want to be here, doesn’t even want to be included in their talk. His lips quivered with pain, thinking about the future and what ifs.

What if after seeing Seolhwa, Yoo Joonghyuk realizes that what he had right now is no good?

He started to get afraid of the future where he wakes up and no Yoo Joonghyuk would be beside him, patiently, caringly, willingly talk to him about himself. Afraid that Yoo Joonghyuk’s only staying with him out of pity. Afraid that the promise of loving him forever would be broken brought about by tiredness and regret.

Now, he became disappointed with himself for acting like a coward earlier.

Kim Dokja’s hands cautiously reached out and tugged Yoo Joonghyuk’s coat to get his attention.

“hmm… Dokja?” and Yoo Joonghyuk stared through him as if he was reading him.

“I—“ but he doesn’t know what to say.

A short amount of silence emanated between them.

Finally he spoke up, forcing a smile on his face. “Should we get going? It might get dark soon”

Lee Seolhwa was nice, a gentle person who deserves everything in the world and she doesn’t deserve to be the direct receiver of the ugly feeling that Kim Dokja’s having right now. He knew the name of that particular feeling and it was jealousy. In just a day, he slowly learned how to love Yoo Joonghyuk and the realization of pain in staying with him.

And as they bid their farewell to her and continued their way around the arcade center, Kim Dokja continued to muse about his situation with a little care.

“You know what’s good about our situation. You can make mistakes and I will just be able to forget it. Poof! All gone!” and Kim Dokja let out a melancholic laughter in an attempt to make it out as a joke but seeing that Yoo Joonghyuk barely changed his expression, not a twinge of smile on his face, he proceeded not to talk any further.

That was a big mistake

Feeling awkward about the situation, he quickly changed the topic and conveniently the game that they used to play back then in college was a meter away from them. He quickly pointed at it and said, “Look! Isn’t that your fav—“

"Should we go back now?”, Yoo Joonghyuk butted in.

Kim Dokja, immediately, frowned. “What do you mean?”

“You’re clearly not feeling well.” Yoo Joonghyuk replied, shooting him with a look of worry.

“No, I’m not…”, Kim Dokja said dryly “What are you talking about?”

“Don’t worry… let’s just go home for today.”, Yoo Joonghyuk said, as calm as ever while closing the gap between them.

If they went home, then the day would end and everything would all reset. Kim Dokja wouldn’t remember anything that happened today, the gentle head pats, the cute confessions he had received earlier.

“I—“ He breathed heavily.

If he were able to extend a little bit of his day, then he would gladly do so.

“You can go home. I’ll stay here.”

Kim Dokja no longer waited for Yoo Joonghyuk’s response and quickly made his way out of the arcade center.

“Dokja!”

“Hey!”

“Where are you going? You’ll get lost!”

Yoo Joonghyuk’s voice faded away as Kim Dokja slowly disappeared in the crowd of people.

—————-

After 30 or so minutes of brisk walking, a drag of fatigue came upon him and Kim Dokja opted to sit in an empty space overlooking a huge river. He brought his legs close to his chest and curled up into a ball as he continued to steady out his breathing.

He had to admit, it was wrong of him to storm out and act like a kid. All he wanted was to extend the day but with Yoo Joonghyuk inviting him back to their house, his fear of being abandoned soon enveloped him.

Kim Dokja sighed deeply. “I should apologize.”

“Yeah, you should.”, a voice suddenly interrupted his thoughts.

Kim Dokja turned around and saw a face that he’s quite familiar with. Excited over her appearance, he gleefully blurted out her name, “Sooyoung? Han Sooyoung?”

A close friend of his — the prime reason why he met Joonghyuk as she was the one who introduced that convenience store part time job to him.

“What are you doing here?”, he enthusiastically asked.

Han Sooyoung scooted close and sat beside Dokja before answering, “Your darling phoned me AGAIN”

Again

He greatly wondered about the frequency of him running away.

Quite curious, he said his thoughts out loud, "How many times did I try to run away?"

"Including the you of today that makes it ten, twenty forgot now.”, her brows furrowed deeply. She quickly gained her demeanor and laughed a little, “One time you almost got on the train going to Daegu, luckily, we're both there to stop you."

Kim Dokja blinked rapidly So, the way he was in now was on the level of sane as compared to his previous attempts.

“Does he call you everytime this happens?”

“Don’t be jealous now…” Han Sooyoung tilted his head in what Kim Dokja assumed to be of amusement and stared at him for two long seconds before letting out a small smile. “He only did that because he felt that a friend is better to talk with than him and considering that he’s a big block of stoicness and you’re a dense guy, he’ll probably not get his feelings across well.”

Considerate, as always. That’s what Kim Dokja thought.

He forcefully laughed remembering how he acted earlier. "With the way I am right now, he'll definitely leave me."

Han Sooyoung frowned. "No, he'll not. He's one of the most devoted man I know"

And she began to roll his eyes, with her hands gesturing in a manner of writing. "How many times do I need to tell you to at least keep a diary cause everytime this happens, I'm the one taking care of the mess."

"Sorry…” A small laughter escaped Kim Dokja’s lips. "but, I believe the me of yesterday gladly took your advice."

Han Sooyoung’s eyes widened and Kim Dokja did agree with Sooyoung’s reaction. He thought that it was a rare for him to take someone else’s advice.

She quickly followed up. "We did not meet yesterday but I'll gladly take the credit."

"It said to 'Trust him' and you know what I did, my guilt got the best of me and I pushed him away."

Instead of berating him, Han Sooyoung smiled. "At least you know! Next time try not to be vague."

Kim Dokja stretched his arms out and focused his sights on the three children playing on the river bed. He remained silent as he continued to observe how those three kids role played their favorite anime.

Then, he began to speak, “Wasn’t being in a relationship give and take? Ever since I’ve been in this state, all I did was to take and never give.”

Sooyoung did not immediately answer. She made a brief glance at Kim Dokja before turning his sights towards the river.

“Think what you, as Kim Dokja of the present can do.”

The only thing that he could do was to love.

“I won’t berate you with what you think about relationships. But if you highly believe in that kind of ideology then… No matter how small it was, it’s still a give.”

Yes, the only thing that he could do was to love. And falling in love every single day with the same person probably is not an easy feat.

The sun was already setting when they finished catching up. There was lot to unpack over what happened in the five years that had spanned for Han Sooyoung but seeing her was already enough for Kim Dokja.

Han Sooyoung pulled out her phone and began scrolling through it. She smiled and looked at Kim Dokja. Without any hesitation, she patted his back in full vigor.

“Let’s go back to your home. Your darling’s waiting.”

And Kim Dokja immediately nodded. He was now ready to go back home.

——————

It did not take long. With a little turn to the left, then right and finally straight ahead was the apartment that he came to know as his home. And standing in front of it was the man that he had left behind earlier.

Seeing the familiar figure waiting for him, Kim Dokja halted for a second and gulped. There was no saying how angry Yoo Joonghyuk was.

Han Sooyoung turned to look back and amusement slowly filled her face, “What? Are you afraid now?”

“Of course not!”, Kim Dokja retorted back while rolling his eyes.

He strutted past Han Sooyoung, leaving her behind.

And as he was a meter away from Yoo Joonghyuk, he slowed down his pace. Fortunately, he did not need to gather up his courage as Yoo Joonghyuk shifted his sight towards him.

Kim Dokja doesn’t know how to react when their eyes met.

For starters, maybe, he should apologize first.

A distance remained between them and Kim Dokja felt his chest tightened as he started to speak, “I’m so—“

But before he could finish, he looked up and saw a gentle smile on Yoo Joonghyuk’s face, completely unconcerned about anything else but him alone. A sense of relief washed over him. Warmth flooded him. Dokja carefully took in the sight before him.

He was loved.

And he too loves him.

Yoo Joonghyuk slowly closed the distance between them and held out his hands just like he did this morning. “Shall we?”

Unlike earlier, Kim Dokja did not complain further and let himself be taken away by the hands that had always guided him. With Joonghyuk’s warm touch and smile, everything felt right.

Sooyoung remained on the side and scoffed immediately after noticing that the two barely stopped looking at each other.

"I won’t subject myself to being a third wheel again.”

But before she fully left, she turned back and sternly looked at Dokja, “Hey Dokja, a piece of advice, always believe in yourself”

Dokja clearly understood what she meant.

———-

It’s already eight in the evening when they arrived back inside of their apartment. It was a long day but Kim Dokja felt that it was not enough. A lot of things did happen yet the satisfaction wasn’t there.

Soon, he needed to come and face the reality of repeating it all over again. But, he’ll probably not even remember all of his worries.

And as he followed Yoo Joonghyuk to the dining table to prepare for their dinner, he could not help but to look intently at the strong back that has been a very dependable source of all his hope and happiness.

He waited for him to sit down across from him before asking the main source of his worries for the day.

“Isn’t it tiring, waking up everyday and knowing that the person you love the most doesn’t remember you?”

This time he waited for Yoo Joonghyuk’s answer. For every second of silence that emanated, the grip he had on his pants tightened.

He doesn’t know what kind of answer he hopes to hear but anything coming from Yoo Joonghyuk will be accepted readily.

It took over a minute before Yoo Joonghyuk cut off the silence.

Yoo Joonghyuk laughed lightly, causing Kim Dokja to look up in curiosity.

“You have always been straightforward…”

Kim Dokja continued to look at him with eyes full of questions.

“I’ll be lying if I said I was not devastated upon hearing the disease that you have.

I’ll be lying if I said I do not get frustrated whenever you run away.

I’ll be lying if I said I do not get angry at myself for giving you more pain by making you try to remember what your brain could handle.

But, despite all of that…

…I find solace in the fact that even if you wake up every morning, not knowing who you are, not knowing who I am, not knowing about us and not knowing that you love me, you never fail to come back home with me. That’s why I decided not to give up and never abandon you.”

Yoo Joonghyuk reached out and placed his hand over Kim Dokja’s. Their fingers slowly laced together.

He gave Kim Dokja an assured smile before continuing.

“Maybe for some teaching the same person to fall in love with them everyday for the past five years seems to be one of the biggest misfortunes in life; but not to me, not if it’s with you.”

Yoo Joonghyuk’s earnest words almost melted Kim Dokja, and he ended up slumping down on the table, hiding his reddened face and teary eyes. He was happy, terribly happy with what he heard. A smile floated on his face and he tightened his grip over Yoo Joonghyuk’s hands implying that he too, thinks the same as him.

The Kim Dokja of yesterday may have a different perspective about his life compared to the current him of today. But one thing they share was their love for a man named Yoo Joonghyuk

And before he went to sleep, he got himself a pen and a paper to write down two important words that the Kim Dokja of tomorrow must remember.

As he laid down on the bed, he shifted his body in a way that he could gaze directly at Yoo Joonghyuk’s face. He tried his best to open his eyes for a little bit further and enjoy the view before him.

Instead, Yoo Joonghyuk reached out and ruffled his hair wildly.

He sternly told him off. “Sleep”

A tint of pensive sadness could be seen in Kim Dokja’s eyes but he remained smiling.

Yoo Joonghyuk spoke once again, “Just sleep, Dokja. It’s okay.”

Finding that Kim Dokja seemed to be not satisfied with what he said, he continued while gently patting his head.

“It’s fine. I’ll just to teach you how to fall in love with me again…. I promise.”

And Yoo Joonghyuk moved his hands onto Kim Dokja’s and held on to it tightly.

Feeling the warmth once again, a genuine smile came upon Kim Dokja’s face.

“…alright”, he responded.

For now, he’ll sleep.

He’ll sleep wishing that when he wakes up Yoo Joonghyuk would still beside him.

He’ll sleep while holding on to that piece of paper he had written earlier, his hope for tomorrow.

Love Joonghyuk