Work Text:
Seungmin gets penciled in for Tuesdays in Hyunjin’s regular rotation of dick appointments.
He thinks it’s poetic since Seungmin is basically Tuesday personified, the day Hyunjin considers to be the true start of the week since Mondays are reserved for bemoaning the loss of the weekend.
Tuesdays, in contrast, are industrious; they set the tone for how all of the subsequent days play out. They’re fundamental, in that sense.
So Hyunjin meets with Seungmin on Tuesdays.
“Oh?” the younger boy says when he opens up the door to his apartment and Hyunjin is standing on the other side, leaning against the wooden frame. “I wasn’t expecting you until eight.”
“Dance practice ended early today. I brought you dinner.” He holds up a plastic bag of sandwiches from Subway.
Seungmin lets him inside. “Did you remember to get me--”
“--extra onions? Yeah, you weirdo. But no way I’m letting you kiss me tonight.”
Hyunjin ducks to slip off his sneakers and grab the house slippers he’s designated as his own from the shoe rack. He hears Seungmin chuckling from somewhere above his head. “As I recall, you’re always the one who initiates kisses with me.”
“What? No. That can’t be true.” Not when Hyunjin has conditioned himself against it, conforming to a strict no-kissing policy when it comes to his myriad of hook-ups. It’s much too intimate an act when Hyunjin’s already a powder keg of emotions and gets too easily attached. Seungmin is his only exception, but only because they’re actually friends and Hyunjin isn’t in danger of falling in love.
Seungmin is just Seungmin. Former high school classmate and student body president Seungmin, the only person Hyunjin knew and recognized during freshmen orientation when they entered college together, and the lifeline Hyunjin latched onto throughout freshman year.
In a completely platonic way, Hyunjin is already emotionally attached to Seungmin. So he figures, whatever, it’s fine. They can kiss during sex. Hyunjin admits to initiating the first one between them, but how is it possible for him to have initiated all of the other ones after that?
“You’re overexaggerating.”
Seungmin shrugs and leads him over to the sofa. “Whatever you say, Hyunjin.”
He pulls up the show they’re currently watching from his Netflix queue, mostly for Hyunjin’s sake since Seungmin is indifferent towards dramas and televised forms of media in general outside of baseball game broadcasts. Hyunjin doesn’t understand how Seungmin can forsake so much good content when there are so many hours in a day that can be filled with mindlessly fun entertainment. Also, the Lotte Giants are trash.
Seungmin hits the play button on the latest episode. Hyunjin frowns as the first scene plays out. “Wait, did I miss something? Why are Hyewon and Shin together now?”
“Because she’s in love with him.”
“But what about Jaesuk?” He could have sworn something was brewing between them.
“Jaesuk is clearly the second lead here,” Seungmin says. “He was never going to be a viable option, no matter how much Hyewon tried to convince herself that he was.”
“All of a sudden?” Hyunjin blinks. “Where were the signs?”
“Everywhere.” Seungmin chews carefully around a bite of his sandwich. The smell of onions is pervasive on his breath when he speaks. “She’s been in love with him the entire time.”
Hyunjin wrinkles his nose “How come I never noticed?”
On cue, the sound of a phone notification chimes. Seungmin snorts and glances down at the message preview on Hyunjin’s phone. It’s a string of crude emojis, peaches and eggplants and a cartoon man on his knees, in lieu of actual words. “That text? That’s why.”
Hyunjin, admittedly, had spent the majority of the last few episodes chatting up some flavor of the week rather than dedicating his full attention to the action playing out on screen. But still, he thinks. How could I have missed something so obvious?
Seungmin continues, “I guess if you’re only listening to snatches of some audio, it makes sense why you’d think Jaesuk and Hyewon were going to be endgame. But there have been plenty of signs. Smaller moments, when you string them together and view everything as a whole, that make it very obvious that Shin is the one she actually loves.”
Something in Seungmin’s voice, despite the quiet lull of it, feels like a challenge. It tickles at Hyunjin’s competitive spirit. He purposefully pockets his phone. “Obvious, you say?”
“If you were actually paying attention.”
“Fine.” Hyunjin wheedles his way into making Seungmin rewatch the last two episodes and resolves to look for all of these supposed ‘signs.’
He gets comfortable by snuggling into Seungmin’s side and then maneuvers his way into the younger boy’s lap. Hyunjin only truly feels settled within the harbor of Seungmin’s arms, the sound of his heartbeat made audible to Hyunjin’s ears when he leans back to rest his head against Seungmin’s chest. It’s a familiar cadence, thumpthump thumpthump, echoing throughout a ribcage and sternum that have always felt like home.
Minutes pass and Hyunjin tries, he really does. He puts on his concentration hat and everything! Except Seungmin starts doing that thing where he drums some soundless tune against the flesh of Hyunjin’s thighs, the pads of his fingers soft but the heat he leaves behind searing into him like a brand. And besides, nothing that is happening on screen is all that interesting when Hyunjin was only half-invested from the start, compared to how his body is starting to become very interested in the way he and Seungmin slot together and the ghost of Seungmin’s breath.
Normally, if he were with anyone else, Hyunjin would just drop down to his knees and get to business because he requires very little foreplay. Except Seungmin always knows how to kiss him just right, to get Hyunjin’s toes to curl before they actually start messing around, and heightens his pleasure during the act itself. It’s not so perfunctory with Seungmin. It’s actually rather nice.
Seungmin squeezes him tightly. “Jinnie, you’re squirming. It’s distracting me.”
“Good.”
Hyunjin kisses him first, because he can’t help it. He turns around and seizes Seungmin’s lips, first with a simple peck before he instantly grows hungrier for more. He doesn’t even care that Seungmin tastes like onions. There’s an addictive quality to him that Hyunjin can’t get enough of, heightened when Seungmin finally gets with the program and kisses him back.
They kiss for a while, even though it doesn’t end up leading to sex. Hyunjin’s more tired than usual and Seungmin has an essay due in the morning that he wants to read over one more time.
“You can stay here, if you want.” Seungmin always offers, even though it’s routine for Hyunjin to sleep over by now. Another exception he makes. Hyunjin never hangs around after his hook-ups, but he’s got an 8 AM the next morning and Seungmin lives closer to campus. He reasons that it’s more practical this way. It shaves off a whole fifteen minutes from his commute! And no matter how early it is, Seungmin always wakes up to make Hyunjin coffee before he goes.
Hyunjin wastes no time shimmying out of his clothes and into a pair of pajamas he has tucked away in one of Seungmin’s dresser drawers. “Are you coming to bed soon?” he asks, pausing by Seungmin’s desk where the pre-law major is pouring over the assignment on his laptop.
“In a bit. I’m like three dozen words short of meeting my word count. What’s a synonym for ‘therefore’?”
“Beats me,” Hyunjin says before puckering up, going so far as to tilt his face to make it easier for Seungmin to kiss him goodnight.
“See?” he says, a little smug, when the younger boy obliges and does just that. “I don’t initiate all the kisses.”
Seungmin rolls his eyes but it doesn’t help to dislodge the fondness found within them. “Whatever you say, Hyunjin.”
★
Everyone is always surprised to find out that Seungmin is the one who propositions Hyunjin first.
They’re in the library taking a break from studying, which is a nice way of framing the fact that Hyunjin threatened to throw himself down six flights of stairs if Seungmin didn’t stop quizzing him with the same same set of stupid vocab cards that Hyunjin still hasn’t mastered.
“I’m going to set those things on fire.”
“I’d just make more,” Seungmin calmly replies.
His monotone composure should be considered annoying, except Hyunjin never finds Seungmin as annoying as he should. Very few people have the patience to put up with Hyunjin when he’s frustrated -- Seungmin might be the only person who manages to do so without inciting a fight. Also because Hyunjin thinks Seungmin is unbearably cute when he's being an unabashed nerd.
“English is dumb,” Hyunjin says.
“Yeah,” Seungmin hums sympathetically. “It is.”
Hyunjin swipes through the notifications on his phone. His eye gets caught on one message in particular. “Ugh,” he groans. “Chani is cancelling on me tonight and for the foreseeable future. Apparently, he’s gone and gotten himself a girlfriend!”
“You should be happier for him,” Seungmin points out.
“I can be happy for him and also mourn the loss of my regular Tuesday night appointments.”
“The fact that you keep men on an actual schedule is insane to me.”
“I am in high demand, Seungminnie.”
The younger boy raises an eyebrow but mercifully doesn’t comment on the obnoxious sound of Hyunjin tooting his own horn. “So then it shouldn’t be too hard to find someone new to take Chani’s spot,” he responds.
“Therein lies the problem. I don’t want to find someone new. Vetting people, getting to know them, and trying to figure out if there’s something there worth pursuing. It’s tiresome.”
“Life must be so hard for you.” Seungmin snorts.
“I’m serious! I was just starting to settle into a familiar routine. This whole Chani thing throws everything out of whack!”
“So hook up with someone you already know. Problem solved.”
Hyunjin groans. “Problem unsolvable. Everyone I know is in a relationship. And Jeongin is a child.”
“He’s barely a year younger than us.”
“Exactly. A child.”
Seungmin pushes up the black frames of his glasses and levels Hyunjin a look. “Well what about me?”
“What about you?”
“I’m single.”
“Yes, I know. Chronically so.” Hyunjin laughs. In the year and a half they’ve been friends, Hyunjin doesn’t think Seungmin’s gone on a single date. He was much the same in high school, too--much too preoccupied with his studies and much too oblivious to realize when people were hitting on him until after the fact. Despite being a huge nerd, Seungmin’s rather clueless sometimes.
“I could replace Chani.”
What?
“Are you joking? Is this a joke?” Although Hyunjin can tell right away that this isn’t the case. Seungmin is dead serious. There isn’t a hint of laughter in his face. “Seungmin--”
“You can just say no.” A crease forms between his brows. Seungmin looks upset but is struggling not to be; evidently hurt at being so far outside of the realm of possibility, he has to spell it out for Hyunjin multiple times. It doesn’t help that Hyunjin’s initial response was to laugh. “Forget it.”
“No!” Hyunjin cries, waving his arms. Damage control. “It’s not that. I’m not saying no. It's just really sudden, is all. I didn’t think you were the type of person who does casual hookups. In all honestly, you’ve always seemed like a ‘sex after marriage’ kind of guy to me.”
Seungmin rolls his eyes. “Hyunjin, I’ve had sex before.”
Which is news to Hyunjin. “What?! With who?!”
“My roommate all throughout freshman year.”
“Jisung?” Hyunjin yells and is summarily hushed by the glares he gets from the people trying to study around him. “You had sex with Jisung? Willingly? More than once?”
“At some point you’re going to have to get over your weird vendetta against him.” Seungmin sighs.
“I didn’t know you and Jisung dated.”
He shakes his head. “We didn’t. He was hung up on Changbin at the time and I’m still in lo--anyways. We are still good friends to this day, as you very well know and so often complain about.”
Hyunjin hesitates at the reproach. He knows Seungmin isn’t the type to make things weird, being someone with too tight a rein on his emotions and personal boundaries to let anything get out his hand. But what if it doesn’t work? What if this breaks us beyond repair? What if, what if, what if? The questions bounce around and multiply inside of his mind.
Seungmin softens, no longer as defensive. He probably senses that, more than a rejection of Seungmin as a person, Hyunjin is afraid of how this additional dynamic will affect their overall relationship. After all, there’s a very good reason Hyunjin doesn’t hookup with friends. He reaches out to reassuringly squeeze Hyunjin’s hand. “Like I said, you can say no. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. It can just be sex.” Another squeeze. Seungmin’s warmth leeches into the space between their tightened grasps. “Think about it and let me know what you decide, okay?”
“Okay.” Hyunjin nods, suddenly lighter, like a weight has been lifted off of his chest. It feels good to be understood without having to bear his entire heart. Seungmin knows it already, without needing any words.
★
True to his word, Hyunjin does think about it. He ends up thinking about it a lot--so absorbed in his thoughts that he accidentally stays on the bus past his stop and has to walk the almost two full kilometers back to his apartment. He comes to a decision upon reaching home, keys halfway nestled inside of the deadbolt lock before he turns back around to catch the next bus heading towards school. He shows up on Seungmin’s front doorstep thirty minutes after that.
Hyunjin decides that he cannot, in good conscience, allow Jisung to be the only dick Seungmin’s ever experienced. “Friends don’t let friends,” he says, or however the saying goes.
He invites himself inside.
Seungmin, smiling, lets him.
★
“So are the two of you, like, dating now?” Jeongin wrinkles his nose in judgement. They’re grabbing lunch together at the cafeteria next to the Student Services Building, something that used to be a weekly occurrence for them until midterms season rolled around. Now, Jeongin spends most of his free time sneaking food into the library, inhaling his meal like he’s Kirby, before hitting the books in between class.
“What do you mean?” Hyunjin asks.
“Isn’t that Seungmin-hyung’s hoodie?” Jeongin is referring to the navy blue number that Hyunjin is donning, the one with the teddy bear logo that Seungmin is particularly fond of and that Hyunjin rifled through his closet to find when he checked the weather forecast and saw that it was going to be colder than expected. He slept over again at Seungmin’s place last night and doesn’t bother pretending it’s a last minute decision to fall asleep next to Seungmin anymore, their legs intertwined. Hyunjin packs a change of clothes now, every time.
“Yeah,” he confirms. “I like the smell of his fabric softener. So what?”
“Sharing clothes is a little domestic for something that’s only supposed to be a series of casual hook-ups, don’t you think?”
“Seungminnie isn’t like my other arrangements. We’re friends.” Hyunjin doesn’t realize his strength as he’s talking, jabbing his spoon into his rice so hard the metal edge cuts through every grain to clink against the bottom of the bowl. His fingers sting from the contact. “Friends can share clothes!”
“You also share spit and other unmentionable bodily fluids.”
“Jeongin, how many times do I have to tell you that you’re not allowed to talk about or even allude to sex.”
“Because I’m a child?” The younger boy refrains from physically rolling his eyes. Hyunjin can tell he’s doing it twice as hard in his head.
“Yes.”
“I’m only five months younger than Seungmin.”
“You’re five months younger than Seungmin-hyung.”
This is a re-occurring conversation for Hyunjin, who can’t see Jeongin as anything other than the bite-sized brace face he took under his wing in high school.
“My point still stands. You two are straddling a really weird line that’s so blurred, you don’t even see that it’s there.”
He snatches a piece of pork belly off of Jeongin’s plate. “Meanwhile, how are you going to keep Minho-hyung out of prison for cradle-snatching? Maybe you should be worrying about that.”
“Again,” Jeongin grits through his teeth and pettily snatches his food right back. “I am not that much younger than you and Hyung is barely two years older.”
“Okay, Harold and Maude.”
He expertly blocks off Hyunjin’s second attempt at thievery, their metal chopsticks clashing in the air. “I think Seungmin-hyung deserves sainthood for putting up with you.”
Hyunjin snorts. “There’s nothing saintly about the way he dic--”
“Don’t you dare finish that sentence.” Jeongin raises a fist in warning, making sure the sterling silver of his rings catch and shimmer beneath the overhead lights. The message is clear: tread carefully because you are cruising for a bruising. Despite Jeongin not being the least bit intimidating, Hyunjin obligingly plays along.
“Alright, alright.” He holds up both hands in a gesture of surrender. The sleeves of Seungmin’s hoodie engulfs him almost entirely, the tips of his fingers peeking out like the flesh-colored carrot tops underground. He’s suddenly reminded of the way the hoodie swallows Seungmin whole, rendering the younger boy into a walking bundle of cozy, navy blue. He feels an overwhelming wave of desire building up, cresting and crashing inside the hollows of heart.
Hyunjin saw Seungmin only a handful of hours ago, but misses him acutely now.
He quickly shoots Seungmin a text, wyd?
Not even a minute later, he gets a text back, suffering. about to head out to class. how about you?
HJ: [image attached; a selca] having lunch with baby bread.
SM ♥: Wish I could join you ㅠㅠ
SM ♥: [image attached; an article of clothing draped across the back of a couch] Also you left your jacket behind at my place, btw. Did you forget you brought it?
HJ: oh yeah. i guess i did lol.
SM ♥: Do you want me to drop it off before dance practice?
HJ: no it’s ok. i can swing by afterwards if you’re free tonight?
SM ♥: Sure, but aren’t you meeting up with Beomgyu?
HJ: can’t be bothered. gonna cancel. plus, i’d rather hang out with you <3
He snuggles further into his hoodie, freshly-laundered but still smelling faintly of Seungmin somehow. Hyunjin can’t believe he forgot about his jacket. How silly of him. He’s so forgetful sometimes.
He feels the full weight of Jeongin’s death glares from across the table but doesn’t bother to wipe off his what he knows to be a silly grin. Jeongin’s just being unnecessarily judgmental again.
★
It’s strange to think that, for as close as they are now, Hyunjin and Seungmin weren’t really friends in high school. They were barely more than classmates since their social circles didn’t overlap to a degree that they could consider themselves acquaintances, each occupying their own separate spheres. Hyunjin is beautiful and that is a type of popularity in and of itself. He’s admired everywhere he goes and by everyone he meets, which gives him a little bit of ego that is mostly mitigated by the fact that Hyunjin is sweet. He makes friends easily.
This does not, however, translate over with Kim Seungmin.
“He’s always up my ass,” Hyunjin complains for perhaps the millionth time that week. Probably because Seungmin has just caught him sucking face with another guy in a shady corner of the first empty classroom he could find for the millionth time that week.
“Ha. He wishes,” Minho mumbles but the whoosh of a passing car is loud enough that Hyunjin doesn’t quite catch the words. The three of them are walking home from school, Hyunjin as the unfortunate middleman between Minho and Jeongin not-so-secretly trying to hold hands behind his back.
“He’s just doing his job,” Jeongin, ever the diplomat, points out.
“Last time I checked, he was elected Student Council President and not my own personal cockblock.”
“Stop trying to hook up with people at school then,” Minho suggests.
“Speak for yourself. I know what the two of you are up to when you sneak off before lunch ends!”
“Okay, then stop getting caught.”
“I’m trying,” Hyunjin whines. He even petulantly stomps his foot for good measure. “But it’s like the guy has a built-in sensor for when I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be doing. I barely make it to first base before he somehow finds me, always playing it off as if he just happened to stumble upon the scene and not because the guy is deliberately tracking me down.”
“To be fair, hyung, you tend to reuse the same three locations.” Jeongin emphatically ticks each one off on one hand. “Next to the Student Council room, the boy’s restroom on the second floor closest to sunbae’s class, and the photography club’s dark room. All of these are places that sunbae frequents.”
Minho laughs at the observation. “Yah, Hwang Hyunjin. Do you have some sort of public exhibition kink? You’re basically asking to get caught!”
“W-what?” Hyunjin stutters, narrowly avoiding running face-first into a telephone pole. “That’s just a coincidence!”
Minho and Jeongin side-step the same pole so that they don't have to, for even a second, stop holding hands. “Yeah, sure. We believe you,” Minho says in a manner that belies how little he and Jeongin believe what Hyunjin is saying in the least bit.
How annoying, Hyunjin thinks.
Jeongin’s full of shit. Hyunjin doesn’t have a pattern! He picks spots at random, fueled entirely by hormones and too lost in the heat of the moment to consciously decide.
Whatever.
This time, Hyunjin deliberately avoids his (falsely!) alleged stomping grounds for the next few weeks. Lo and behold, and entirely by coincidence he’s sure, Hyunjin manages to avoid Seungmin's attention for the duration of that time as well.
Weeks of undisturbed bliss!
His body never quite gets used to it though, always tensed in anticipation of being interrupted, the thrumming beneath his veins, licking at every nerve ending when he imagines Seungmin's face, the tight little screw of his lips and the infinitesimal way he narrows his eyes as if to say, "You, again?"
Maybe Minho’s right. Maybe Hyunjin’s a bit of an exhibitionist because he ends every kiss with the taste of disappointment -- acid and acrid -- lingering along the underside of his tongue.
After a brutal week of soccer practice, Hyunjin’s operating on auto-pilot throughout most of the day. It's kind of mindless then when, on the third week without so much as a whiff of Seungmin's signature scent -- Overachiever by Yves Saint Laurent -- that Hyunjin ends up backing some second year named Dareum through a familiar door. His brain doesn’t register the laminated cut-outs of cartoon cameras and strips of decorative film like ribbon confetti.
"Hyunjin," Dareum says audibly without breaking the seal of their lips. Hyunjin vaguely notes how amazing a feat this is.
He hooks his thumbs through the belt loops of Dareum’s pants.
"Hyunjin," Dareum says again.
How interesting. Has his voice always been that nasal? Hyunjin wonders. He's strangely into it, for some reason.
"Hwang Hyunjin!"
Hyunjin finally opens his eyes, disgruntled by the use of his full name and also having to pause. He only has so much time and Hyunjin has an Algebra test next period that he can't afford to skip.
In his irritation, it takes a second for Hyunjin to realize that Dareum wasn't the one who was speaking.
"Oh, Seungmin. Hi. I didn't see you there."
“Obviously,” the bespectacled boy drawls.
"I'll, um. I guess I’ll get going then!" Dareum squeaks and then bolts from the room, leaving Hyunjin behind in the dust to face whatever it is that constitutes as Seungmin's wrath. Wrath is definitely too strong a term. It's not as if the student council president has ever written Hyunjin up for his flagrant flouting of the rules of conduct and decorum. He’s well within his rights too as a defacto member of the disciplinary committee as well. No, at most Seungmin will let him off with a warning and a promise to never do it again that both of them know Hyunjin has no intention to keep.
Uncharacteristically, Hyunjin blurts out, “How have you been?” He usually just takes his ‘punishment’ in silence and goes.
“Excuse me?” Seungmin raises an eyebrow in surprise.
“I haven’t seen you around in a while.”
This draws a tiny chuckle out of the brunette. “Because I haven’t caught you making out with someone when you’re not supposed to in a while?”
Hyunjin jokes, “Did you miss me?” and is weirdly hopeful for Seungmin’s response.
Seungmin contemplates the question briefly before answering, “Strangely, yes.” He looks sincere about it, too.
Hyunjin early chokes on his spit.
Faking a bravado he doesn’t actually feel, flirting to push past the strange feeling that erupts inside of his chest, Hyunjin replies, “Let me know if you ever want to be on the other side of our little run-ins for a change. I’ve never kissed anyone on the student council before.”
Seungmin hums as he packs up the last of his things and breezes past Hyunjin through the door. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
Which . . . isn’t exactly a no.
It’s a response that short-circuits Hyunjin’s brain.
“What the fuck,” he whispers under his breath and watches Seungmin go.
★
Later, as Hyunjin’s taking his test:
Q: Factor the expression completely: 6×3- 4×2 – 16x
A: I’ll keep that in mind.
Q: Two cars are traveling north along a highway. The first drives at 40 mph, and the second, which leaves 3 hours later, travels at 60 mph. How long after the second car leaves will it take for the second car to catch the first?
A: I’ll keep that in mind.
Q: Solve the equation for x. 5×2 + 6x = 3
A: I’ll keep that in mind.
“What the fuck,” he whispers under his breath and turns in an all but blank page.
★
First Beomgyu and then eventually Taejoon and Dohyun get cut from Hyunjin’s regular rotation. For the first time since undertaking this entire affair, Hyunjin grows tired of juggling his schedule of men. With finals looming, he doesn’t have the brain capacity to remember and recall who enjoys what, keeping track of everyone’s multitude of kinks, or calling out the correct person’s name when he finally reaches his peak (he’s gotten really bad about this recently; forcing himself to bite down on his tongue before it lifts to the roof of his mouth and forms around the shape of the syllable “승” too many times in a row.)
It’s also hard because Hyunjin’s constantly comparing everyone inside of his head, thoughts like Seungminnie wouldn’t touch me like that or Seungminnie knows how to do it just right, consuming him in the moment, leaving him dissatisfied all throughout and even after he finishes. While Hyunjin’s a big proponent of communicating his needs in bed, nobody absorbs his feedback the way Seungmin does, single-minded when it comes to giving Hyunjin maximum pleasure every time.
Sex is starting to feel like a chore, so Hyunjin decides to cut back.
With other people anway. Seungmin still rails him six ways to Sunday now.
“It’s just easier like this,” he reasons, back hugging the younger boy as they’re getting ready for bed, brushing their teeth together in the cramped quarters of Seungmin’s bathroom. Hyunjin watches as Seungmin meticulously cleans every corner of his mouth, prolonging his own routine because it’s embarrassing to be done after thirty seconds when Seungmin hasn’t made it past his molars. Another perk of becoming exclusive with Seungmin is that Hyunjin’s dental hygiene and habits have never been better.
“Is that so?” Seungmin makes eye contact with Hyunjin through the mirror above the sink.
“We hang out all the time anyway. I don’t have to go out of my way to sleep with you.”
“Good to know that I’m a convenient fuck,” Seungmin laughs.
“No, no! It’s not just that. You’re not just a convenient fuck,” he insists. Hyunjin feels possessed right now, so strongly compelled to relay this sentiment to Seungmin -- that he’s more than just someone that’s willing and available, only Hyunjin can’t find the right words. He can only try his best, stumbling around before reaching his point. “It’s different when we’re together. Better. I feel more connected with you, more grounded. Everything’s so much more intense. I like the feeling of shattering and remolding myself beneath your weight, between your arms. And kissing. I really, really like kissing you. I like the way you take care of me afterwards, too. It’s nice. I think you’re nice.”
Rambling. Oh God, someone put him out of his misery. Hyunjin’s rambling.
He burrows his face into the crook of Seungmin’s neck, not ready to confront the expression in Seungmin’s eyes, so patient, like star-matter, waiting for Hyunjin to catch up.
He feels the vibrations of Seungmin’s chuckle against where his lips are pressed into his skin, the timbre of Seungmin’s voice when says, “I really like having sex with you too, Hyunjinnie.”
It’s strange.
It shouldn’t be.
But something about the response doesn’t feel Enough for Hyunjin; too much like biting into a cinnamon roll with the center punched out -- satisfying to a point, without being fulfilling. Although Hyunjin’s not really sure what else he’s looking for from Seungmin. They’re friends with benefits who have verbally admitted to the benefits part being mutually enjoyable. So really, what more could Hyunjin want?
He contemplates this question and wracks his brains while waiting for Seungmin to finish up. It takes longer than usual since Hyunjin draping himself across the younger’s back slows down Seungmin’s movements by a considerable amount, only Seungmin doesn’t complain; just knits their fingers together when he’s done and leads Hyunjin to bed.
Seungmin turns off the light and Hyunjin curls into his side.
Hyunjin’s habitual “I love you” gets stuck inside his throat. The phrase, since the start of their arrangement, has become the heaviest thing that Hyunjin’s ever felt.
★
The realization comes to Hyunjin on the day he finds out he’s been given a solo during the upcoming winter showcase and rather than taking up Minho’s offer to treat him to a celebratory dinner and a round of drinks afterwards, he runs straight home to Seungmin instead.
The realization being that 1) he considers anywhere that Seungmin is to be his home and 2) that Hyunjin is irrevocably in love with him and probably has been for quite some time.
It’s the only explanation for why, upon receiving the good news, he wants to tell Seungmin first. To hear Seungmin tell him, “Good job, Hyunjin-ah!” first.
“Seungmin!” Hyunjin yells as he bursts the door, the spare key to the apartment clasped firmly within his palm. Seungmin had entrusted Hyunjin with it a few weeks ago and now Hyunjin can put a name to the swooping sensation he experiences every time he has to pick it out from within the brass and silver jumble of Hyunjin’s own keys. “Seungmin, guess what!”
He finds the younger boy in the kitchen, cooking up fried eggs for lunch.
“Oh, Jinnie. Have you eaten yet? I can crack a couple more eggs on the stove if you’re hungry.”
Unable to contain it, he professes, “Seungmin! Seungmin, I love you! I’m in love with you!”
“Mhmm, sure,” Seungmin replies. “But what about the eggs?”
Hyunjin finds himself blinking in confusion at the total nonchalance, at how Seungmin’s so calmly flipping his eggs without once looking up. He’s too absorbed in making sure the heat doesn’t cook the yolks all the way through.
What the hell? How is it that this confession isn’t totally rocking his world like it has with Hyunjin’s: completely and irreversibly? Hyunjin swears he’s smelling everything in colors, that’s how thoroughly this epiphany has rattled him and thrown everything upside down. Or maybe Hyunjin’s always been topsy-turvy and coming to the truth of his feelings, of his love, has finally turned him right-side up.
But Seungmin seems as grounded as ever, plastic spatula in hand.
“Did you hear me, Kim Seungmin? I said that I’m in love with you!”
Seungmin transfers his eggs from the frying pan onto a plate with a bed of paper towels to soak up the excess canola oil. “I know. I’ve always known. Since we were in high school together.”
“H-high school?” Hyunjin sputters. “I wasn’t in love with you in high school!” At least, he doesn’t think he’s been in love with Seungmin since high school.
Seungmin cracks three eggs for Hyunjin anyways, meticulous about making sure no pieces of egg shell fall into the pan. “No, but you definitely had a crush on me. You were dumb about it back then, too. At first, I thought you were trying to make me jealous except you never ended up asking me out. Which, ultimately, is how I figured you had no idea. You had no idea the reason why you did the things that you did -- bringing people back to the places I frequented, skipping your classes and timing it so that you only got caught during my one free period of the day. It was all because you liked me.”
Hyunjin’s never felt so exposed, memories of his teenage self being laid out in front of him as Seungmin dissects everything with surgical precision.
He protests. “Even if any of that were true, that was high school. You’ve had years to reflect. But how about now? How could you possibly know that it’s love?”
Seungmin cuts the heat from the stove and takes a step back. He sets down his spatula and comes to a stop where Hyunjin is standing, on the other side of the kitchen island, dumbstruck. He pulls the older boy closer by the waist. “Because I loved you first, babo-ya. I recognized it in you because I know how it looks on me.”
“You love me?” Hyunjin murmurs, wholly dazed and untethered to anything except for the fistful of fabric from Seungmin’s sweater that he’s got bunched under his hands.
“Of course,” Seungmin replies.
“Then why did you agree to do the whole friends with benefits thing? Surely it couldn’t have been fun to keep sleeping with me knowing that you weren’t the only one!”
“Would it be super conceited of me to say that it didn’t matter, because at the end of the day, I was the only one that mattered?”
Hyunjin nips at Seungmin’s nose in mock-reproach. “Yeah, actually. It’s really fucking conceited of you to say.”
Seungmin shrugs and gives him a shit-eating grin. “Sorry to say that at no point was I convinced you weren’t totally and completely in love with me. And so I thought to myself, ‘well it’s only a matter of time’ since you always say one thing and then turn around to do the complete opposite of that. It’s just like how you were in high school, still as clueless as ever.”
“Hey! I resent that.”
“I’m only speaking the truth.”
“How so?” Hyunjin challenges, not because he thinks he’s right but because he knows he's wrong and wants to at least put up a fight.
Seungmin obliges, slowly walking him through his reasoning. “You wanted to keep it casual but you’re kissing me at every turn, texting and calling me every day, and then sleeping over every night. I’m the last man left standing in your rotation of men.”
The fact that he’s in love with Seungmin becomes glaringly obvious when it’s so blatantly pointed out. (Sorry, Jeongin.)
“Why didn’t you say something?” Hyunjin groans and drops his forehead against Seungmin’s collarbone.
“You needed to get there on your own. And like I said, it was only a matter of time.”
“But I’ve wasted so much of it!” he laments. “Months and months of it! Entire years, arguably.”
A quiet laughter sugars and sweetens the bitter edge of his shame.
Seungmin is the one who kisses him this time, surging upwards to connect at the lips, only parting for long enough to tell Hyunjin to, “Make up for it then,” before smiling gently into the next.
Hyunjin regrets relegating Seungmin to Tuesdays. He regrets thinking himself clever for it, too.
Seungmin isn’t Tuesday, he’s every day of the week. He’s every day for the rest of Hyunjin’s life.
A lifetime to make it up to him.
“I promise,” he replies, smiling back into the kiss.