Work Text:
SEVERAL MONTHS EARLIER
Ted had always known that his answer to the question was "yeah, sure" - well, always since sophomore year of college, when he had spent several stoned hours practicing his answer in the mirror. He had felt certain then that when the question came, it would be important to communicate casual confidence and an air of total and complete open-mindedness.
It wasn't until the fall of 2009, however, that all his preparation paid off.
"Yeah, sure," Ted said.
"Really?" Robin asked. "You'd marry a guy. Really?"
"Sure," Ted said, "yeah, of course, if I was in love with him."
Robin sipped her beer with a raised eyebrow, and Ted frowned. Maybe he hadn't been confident enough. He looked at Lily and Marshall, who had been present for 45 minutes of his mirror talk, but defense came from a different corner.
"Come on, are you really that surprised?" Barney shook his head at Robin. "Of course Ted would marry a dude, he'd marry a dude in a heartbeat."
"Thanks, Barney," Ted said with a genuine smile. Sometimes Barney wasn't that bad.
"Because he's a girl."
Sometimes, Barney was that bad.
"I think that's great," Lily said, "that's very open-minded."
"Totally and completely open-minded, bro," Marshall said, lifting his fist across the table.
"Of course," Ted added, post-bump, "I couldn't actually marry a guy." Robin's eyebrow lifted even higher, but Ted's thoughts on this had formed after ten years in living in New York, which meant ten years of visiting various states of New England. "I mean, live in Massachusetts? Vermont? Connecticut? Nuh uh."
"We lived in Connecticut for four years during school," Lily said, scrunching her face.
"Exactly," Ted said, and bumped Marshall's re-raised fist once again.
"Oh, come on," Lily said, "you wouldn't live in Vermont? Not even for the man you loved?"
Ted gave it a bit more thought, but just because a slightly younger, slightly more starry-eyed Ted would have moved to Argentina for love didn't mean that slightly older, slightly wiser Ted would move to some geographically-challenged area for love.
"I would live in a cardboard box in Siberia with you, baby," Marshall said to Lily. Ted couldn't help it, he rolled his eyes, and looked across the table to find Barney doing the same thing.
"I agree with Theodore," Barney said then. "Convenience is king! I hereby decree that Rule Number One of the new code - "
"The new code?" Robin asked.
" - Rule Number One of the spanking new, and I do mean spanking, code of gay love, which I have just now deemed No No Homo, is thus: a previously heterosexually oriented bro's homosexual love for another bro may receive full blessing from the Barnacle, but there will be no relocation to lesser urban, suburban or rural areas to legitimize said love." He looked at Ted, and his eyes got all serious in a puppy-dog way. "You can't move away, I'm your best friend!"
"I'm his best friend," Marshall said automatically, but Barney's expression was just so pitiful that Ted found himself smiling again. He lifted his beer to toast Rule Number One, and Barney's grateful grin made him think that, actually, sometimes, Barney really wasn't all that bad. Huh.
***
THE NIGHT IT HAPPENED
Lily had always known that it was important to keep trying new things. Even if you had already tried something new and decided you didn't like it, you should really try it again a few years later, just on principle.
"Your tastebuds change every seven years," she explained to the guys, muting the TiVo.
"Oh, come on, seriously! Can't you just watch my show once?" Robin protested. Lily would have consoled her with a pat on the shoulder, but she was just so comfy on the couch.
"I think that's a myth," Ted said thoughtfully.
"It's not a myth! I know this stuff!" Lily spoke with the conviction of someone who had invested a lot of time and energy in vetting health education cartoons for young children, and she was gratified when everyone looked a little less incredulous - even Barney, who was squinting off into space like he'd just heard something that made the gears and cogs of his brain start turning counterclockwise.
"Okay," Ted replied, "but I still think the one awkward make-out session with Chad the Computer Lab Guy qualifies as a decent amount of experimentation. It was awkward. Now I kiss girls."
"'Cause you're a lesbian," Barney muttered, but when Lily frowned at him, he didn't notice; his mind was clearly somewhere else. Probably something dirty.
"But that's what I'm saying," she continued, tucking her feet under Marshall's thigh for sensory support. "If you don't try it every few years, you don't know! Maybe now the make-outs with Chad would be amazing, and then you've got a whole extra 49% of people when you're looking for The One! Your horizons expand! Boom!"
"Do horizons expand with a boom?" Ted asked.
Lily threw a pillow at him. "You know what I'm saying. Single guys should try it out every so often, just in case, because what if your sexual tastebuds change the way your tasty tastebuds change?" Ted scratched his chin; Lily was pleased. It meant he was thinking about it, or thinking about thinking about it.
"Single girls can try it out too," Barney said, "I'd like to see some nice young lady sample your tasty tastebuds, Robin, if you know what I mean."
Robin pulled the pillow from Ted's chest and threw it at Barney.
"I mean your breasts," Barney insisted.
"Oh, is that what you meant? I wasn't sure."
"But baby," Marshall said, cute little worry lines crinkling his eyes, "you keep trying my mom's mayonnaise fudge cake - it took honorable mention for a three-year stretch during the 80s at the Minnesota State Fair Bake-Off, Condiment Division," he explained to everyone else, who nodded in comprehension (although obviously not full comprehension, because seriously, if you haven't seen the contents of the Condiment Division tent, then you don't really convey your knowledge of the horror with a simple nod, do you?)
"It's true, I still don't care for your mother's mayonnaise fudge cake." Lily shuddered. "But at least I keep trying it."
"But if you keep trying it and not liking it, what's the point? Why keep trying?" Barney was speaking to Lily, but looking at Ted.
"That's the risk! That's the risk that should appeal to you, bookie-butt-boy! If I try it and like it, hey, new dessert! If I don't try it, all I'm missing out on is fudge." She forestalled Marshall's hurt whimper by taking his hand comfortingly. "If you don't try gay sex, you're missing out on sex. Sex, Barney."
"Hmm," Barney said. "You make a strong case, Aldrin. So Ted got drunk and made out with Chad and it wasn't that great. What you're saying is, he should probably give it another try."
"Oh no," Ted said, "not with Chad."
"It doesn't have to be Chad! It can be with anyone. It can be with me."
"Psshaw!" Robin laughed, but she was the only one. Marshall looked amused. Ted looked surprised. Barney was leering in a way that intrigued Lily. Robin stopped laughing. "Wait, Ted, you're - you really SHOULDN'T make out with Barney."
"Excuse me," Barney said, neatly crossing one leg over the other. "Having recently lost the daily pleasure of my lips, I understand your hesitation, Scherbatsky - or should I say, Scher-you're-not-sick-with-envy-atsky?"
"You shouldn't," Marshall said.
"Anyway," Barney continued, "my point is that if you're going to re-experience the gay tongue, you may as well re-experience it with a master of masculinity, a Miyagi of manliness, a Tarantino of testosterone - "
"A Tarantino of testosterone?" Lily whispered.
"He just saw Reservoir Dogs," Robin whispered back, "he wants us to call him Mr. Awesome."
" - so tonight, Ted Evelyn Mosby, prepare to get your world rocked, Stinson-style."
Lily had to sit on her hands; otherwise, she'd clap from glee, and Marshall would join in, and then she might never get to hear Barney convince Ted to make out with him.
"Ted, you're my best friend."
"I'm his best friend," Marshall said.
"What sort of best friend would I be if I didn't enforce Rule Number Two of the No No Homo Code?"
"Wait, wait," Robin said, "there's a second rule now?"
"Indeed," Barney said, and gave a little flourish of a bow to Lily. "Rule Number Two of No No Homo is set forth thusly: a previously heterosexually oriented single bro must experiment with another bro of equal or greater hotness every four years, to ensure that his sexual experiences are being all that they can be."
"You want to make out with Ted!" Robin gasped. This time, Lily did move to pat her consolingly on the shoulder. Robin wasn't always the quickest rabbit in the race. It probably had to do with Canada's schooling system.
"Barney, I . . . " Ted trailed off, his eyes unfocusing. He just needed a little push, Lily thought, so she stretched out her foot and pushed him, sending him right over into Barney's lap. Barney looked up at Lily.
You're welcome, she thought at him.
***
A FEW WEEKS IN
Robin had always known that there were parts of her past that should remain a secret. She had done her best to keep it that way, but her friends had pried almost all of her shameful past out of her. She honestly hadn't had much hope that her final secret would stay hidden, and she figured it would be best to just get every last semi-popular-musical-act fact out there. Which was why she had chosen to reveal Little Ladies.
"No, no, no, no, no, no, NO!" Barney pounded the table for emphasis with each "no" and the beers jumped a little higher with each pound of his fist. "It is not fair, it is not right, and if no one else has the sheer human decency to say so, then I will, each and every day for the rest of my natural life: you cannot tell people that you had a girlfriend when you were fourteen and then not produce pictures!! This. will. not. stand!"
"What do you care?" Marshall asked, taking his beer off the table with exaggerated concern. "Aren't you and Ted dating?"
"What part of I had a girlfriend when I was fourteen didn't you understand?" Barney shrieked. "And we're not DATING, we're - "
"We're not?" Ted frowned. "Why did you make me buy dinner last night, then?"
"Ooh, where did you go?" Lily asked, and Robin leaned in too, to hear Ted describe this sweet little cafe just around the corner from Barney's office, and it had been their third time there so the wait staff was starting to recognize them, and -
"PICTURES, OH MY GOD, PICTURES!!!"
"There aren't any pictures, Barney." He'd been so hyper recently, anxious and high-strung, even more than usual. Robin chalked it up to everyone knowing about him and Ted. Barney operated better when he had something to hide. "No candid snaps of me and Rita kissing, because we weren't really girlfriends."
"I don't understand," Barney wailed, burying his head in his arms. Ted rubbed his neck.
"It was before . . . before. You know."
"Before you rocked your body til Canada Day?" Marshall asked with a grin, and Robin sighed.
"My manager wanted to break me into the business, and he thought that two girls who seemed overly friendly while singing catchy pop songs was the way to do it. Unfortunately for him, that particular business model didn't really hit until 1999, so we ended up just making a lot of old people vaguely uncomfortable for a few months."
"Ohhh," Ted said, the light of comprehension dawning in his eyes. "So that's why you avoid retirement homes!"
"Exactly!" Robin smiled encouragingly at Ted; as soon as his attention went back to the quietly moaning Barney, she whispered in Lily's ear "I don't really have a thing with retirement homes, I just never wanted to visit Ted's grandmother. Let's let ignorance keep being bliss, okay?"
"So you actually started the faux-gay-girl-group thing?" Ted asked, still massaging Barney's trembling shoulders. "I wonder why that wasn't featured on I Love The '90s?"
"Because," Robin said with exaggerated care, "NOTHING Canadian was featured on I Love The '90s."
"Barenaked Ladies are Canadian. They were featured."
"Ted." Barney sat up, his eyes woeful even as Ted slung an arm around Barney's waist. "You know it's just not the same thing."
"I know, Barney," Ted said, kissing Barney's temple (which was still weird to Robin. Sweet, but weird). "I know."
Barney sniffled, then sat up straight. "I've got it. I've got it, you guys. It's time for Rule Number Three."
"Oh god," Robin groaned, "can this not be a rule, please?"
"This is a rule ordained not by me, but by the gods of gay love who decreed the invention of No No Homo from their heavenly divans. Rule Number Three: if you are a girl in a faux-gay-girl-group and you kiss your girl bandmate, even for marketing purposes, YOU ALWAYS TAKE PICTURES. ALWAYS. TAKE. PICTURES." Barney pressed his lips together, and then slumped. "Take me home, Mosby. Take me home and do your best to wash the knowledge of fourteen-year-old Robin kissing another fourteen-year-old girl from my mind."
Robin watched them leave, Barney leaning heavily on Ted, and then turned back to Lily and Marshall. "I can show you guys the pictures, if you want."
***
A FEW MONTHS IN
Marshall had always known that Lily was the best girl in the whole wide world, but he had never known it more than he knew it right now.
"He doesn't look like Han Solo," Robin complained, and was immediately shushed by Ted and Barney, who were clinging to each other in a manly, starry-eyed kind of way, staring in awe at Marshall and Han Solo Guy. "You guys, I've seen Star Wars."
"The question is not if you've seen Star Wars," Barney said in a hushed voice, "but rather, how many times you can quote Episodes 4 through 6 in their entirety without messing up. I have an accuracy rate of 83%."
"He really does," Ted said. "Hey, do you think we can ask him over to the apartment to watch Empire? Would Lily mind?"
"Would Lily mind?!?" Barney exclaimed. "Lily was the one who took the initiative on Rule Number Four, I hardly think she would mind."
Marshall didn't think Lily would mind either. Twenty minutes and two drinks ago, Marshall had been staring longingly at the pretty pink martini in Lily's hand. Then, he was struck by an epiphany so obvious he didn't know why he hadn't thought of it years earlier. Rule Number Four of the No No Homo Code: It's totally acceptable to drink yummy pink drinks with chunks of fruit in them IF the guy buying them for you is hot AND is repaid for his generosity with a dance and a peck.
"A peck, eh?" Lily had said in her evil-genius voice, and then had patted Marshall on the arm. "I'll be right back, baby." Marshall had started to ask Ted and Barney what they were doing for their impending six-month anniversary, anticipating with pleasure the way Barney's eyes would probably roll up in his head before he fainted, but then Lily had reappeared with - and Marshall was about as straight as Minnesota made them - with the hottest guy Marshall had ever seen who wasn't Han Solo being dipped in carbonite. He looked JUST like a young Harrison Ford - well, how a young Harrison Ford would look if he carried two pomegranate martinis around.
"I was told you'd like a dance?" Han Solo Guy had said with a rascally wink that made Marshall feel like a blushing schoolgirl again, and had handed Marshall his delicious, delicious drink.
"Baby?" he said, not taking his eyes off Han Solo Guy.
"Go, baby, go!" Lily fluttered her hands at him. "Don't forget to kiss!" she called after them, "then come show me how you did it!"
Yeah, Lily was the best girl in the whole world. Ted and Barney looked like they thought so too, from the way they were frantically whispering into each others' ears. Marshall was pretty distracted by the way Han Solo Guy kept nuzzling at his neck - Han Solo! Nuzzling at HIS neck! This was WAY BETTER than when a Boba Fett was hitting on him by actually hitting him, in the line for Phantom Menace - but he definitely saw Ted shake his head, poke his finger into Barney's chest, and say "you look better in the gold bikini, you rescue ME tonight." He saw Barney scowl, then visibly relent, then duck his head and say something. Ted grinned and said "I know."
Marshall gave him a mental high-five.
***
ABOUT A YEAR INTO IT
Barney had always known that he was Ted's best friend. He hadn't always known that he'd wanted to be Ted's best friend with benefits, and he'd only known that he'd wanted to be Ted's best boyfriend for about a year. But the fact that he was Ted's best friend, that was the one thing he had always, always known. That, and that porn is hot.
"That's not a rule," Ted said, pushing himself up on one elbow and squinting down at Barney.
"Of course it's a rule," Barney said. "Porn is hot."
"Well, okay, maybe it's a rule, but I don't see how it's a No No Homo rule - oh."
"Right?" Barney grinned, setting down the remote as a blond twink rubbing a hand all over his chest flickered into bright, seizure-inducing, wall-sized life on Barney's big flatscreen. "Rule Number Five: Porn is hot, therefore gay porn is hot, therefore gay porn. Dick five!"
"Are you - whoa, okay, um. Let's not do that in public, okay?" Ted firmly pulled the blanket up around his and Barney's bodies, a girly blush reddening his cheeks. Normally, being tucked in was the sort of thing Barney would only submit to when incapacitated from sickness or partying, but when Ted did it, even when porn was playing, Barney thought it was pretty awesome.
"Thank god I'm with you," he said sincerely to Ted. "Your porn collection is awesome."
Ted smiled. "My porn collection is your porn collection. Like, literally, yours."
"I know," Barney said, "what up?! Thanks for bringing it back."
"My pleasure."
They really were best friends, Barney thought gleefully, Ted would never watch gay porn naked in bed with Marshall! With five solid No No Homo rules established, there seemed to be only one thing left to do before they turned off the lights.
"I love you, Ted. Will you please, for the love of - me? Do me a favor?"
"What's that?"
Barney pressed a condom into Ted's hand. "Suit up!"