Archive of Our Own

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When Richie Tozier opened his eyes, he was met with an orangey-yellow tint to his bedroom. The morning sun’s rays leaked through the blinds like warm honey, and if he listened carefully, he could hear the songs of the morning birds ringing from the ficus tree in front of the house. In addition to the soft glow and lovely sounds, he loved mornings like this for two main reasons.

For one, he was always a morning person. He savored having more time in his day and the extended states of sunshine. Los Angeles was normally sunny and hot but the mornings held the perfect temperature. Not too cold and not too hot: a cooling breeze on his skin that paired well with the warm summer days. 

The second reason was the opportunity to look beside him and watch the love of his life sleep. It sounded creepier than it was, but it was the true highlight of every morning. 

Eddie was turned onto his side with his cheek still buried into the pillow, his lips parted slightly to allow for little puffs of breath to escape. The sight was adorable, Richie thought, but it also served as proof of life. After Derry, Richie used to listen to his soft breathing until it was terribly late at night. Just to reassure himself that Eddie was okay, that he’d made it.

This was most prominent in the hospital, and when they arrived back in Los Angeles together, sleeping in separate rooms at first, Richie couldn’t continue to check. That’s when the nightmares were the worst. But thankfully, Eddie never hesitated to slide into bed with him to provide comfort.

And he did, which made Richie feel somewhat terrible that Eddie was the one comforting him when he was recovering from his injuries. But it was hard to feel too bad, especially with Eddie curling up next to him and gently reaching out for more contact. Before they had gotten together.

Richie remembered the last time Eddie slithered into his bed to soothe a nightmare before he stopped using the guest room bed entirely. It was one of the best moments of his life and marked an exciting stage in their newfound relationship.

Richie didn’t have to monitor Eddie at night anymore, especially with their normal cuddling. But he used the early mornings to appreciate him, asleep and comfortable. And beautiful, and alive.

Richie reached out slowly to run a careful finger lightly over the exposed sunburst scar on his bare chest. After a while, Eddie got comfortable showing it with minimal hesitation or embarrassment. But it did take a while. 

He stirred slightly and Richie paused, hoping not to wake him up so early. Eddie was grumpy in the morning if woken prematurely, and while Richie absolutely loved messing with grumpy Eddie, he decided to let him sleep in peace. He looked so unbothered, the creases in this face smoothed out and without tension. Richie’s heart flipped at how peaceful he looked, which was a rarity nowadays. 

Their relationship had taken a huge leap, and chaos flooded the normal domestic life they were used to. Somehow, the media got news of their engagement. 

There could've been a number of possibilities as to how it leaked, but they doubted that it was anyone too close to them. It was strange how they had the intimate details; like how Eddie proposed first, how he did it on their second anniversary while they were in New York, how Richie returned the gesture shortly after.

Richie, understandably, was annoyed by the intrusion into the most important sector of his life. He suspected someone from work let it slip, but regardless of who, there was no going back to privacy. Aside from mild frustration, Richie ignored the disturbances. Eddie, on the other hand, seemed to be on the verge of a meltdown. He was extremely anxious and stressed over pretty much every daily disturbance.

He had several panic attacks over planning the wedding and whilst thinking about actual marriage. They both understood that it was most likely due to trauma from his first marriage, but that rationale didn’t stop his fears.

Richie also had his own fears. He had the expected feelings of inadequacy and fears of abandonment, but he also feared the shift in their relationship. He wanted nothing more than to be married, but as the days got closer and the more planning was done, Eddie had gotten more distant. Not cold, necessarily, but definitely not himself.

He’d become less touchy and less talkative. He was just not himself, and it was worrying Richie. While they’d always been unbearably talkative, even in public, it became normal to fall into bouts of comfortable silence when it was just the two of them. But things, recently, were anything but comfortable.

Richie sighed. At least he still had the mornings, where he could pretend like things were normal.

When Eddie finally blinked his eyes open, he squinted at Richie and reached a hand up to grasp his wrist. “Feeling me up this early in the morning?” 

His voice was rough yet teasing and Richie smiled, running a gentle finger over his soft skin. “I just can’t help myself, sugar.”

Eddie’s lips quirked up slightly and he brought Richie’s hand up to his mouth to give it a soft peck. The action made Richie soar, and he’d give anything for the morning to never end. Eddie was clearly still half-asleep, not fully awake or aware of the anxiety that seemed to be haunting him every day. Any minute he’d shoot out of bed and carry on stressing himself out about their future. Their wedding. 

Richie swallowed at the thought. They could worry about that later. For now, he soaked up how cute his fiancé was being, his eyelids heavy and the small tufts of hair sticking up on his head. They stayed in bed for a while, and Richie appreciated every second. 

Eddie did eventually get up, but instead of hunkering down at the kitchen table with spreadsheets and notepads, he shrugged on a pair of jeans and a collared shirt.

“Going out?” Richie asked him, catching him putting on his sneakers by the front door. Normally Eddie always shared his plans with him, but it seemed like he had no intention of doing so this time. Either that, or he forgot. Richie pretended to not care, thankful for his acting skills.

“Oh, sorry.” Eddie hummed quietly, somewhat apologetic. “I’m going to have lunch with Bev.”

Richie isn’t dumb. He assumed that they were going to talk about wedding stuff, perhaps some trauma gossip sprinkled in. But a part of him was still annoyed that he wasn’t invited, or at least told beforehand. Not that Eddie needed his permission, but it was the courteous thing to do. The last thing he wanted was to make him feel bad about it, especially when he was learning that he had his own agency and Richie wasn’t there to control him. But he’d make sure to pester Beverly about it at a later date. “Ah, okay.”

“Ben’s not coming.” He added, a quick attempt to soothe his fiancé and add levity to his lack of invitation. It was comforting that no matter how good of an actor Richie was, Eddie had a talent for seeing through the act. Comforting and also terrifying. “I’ll be home for dinner, promise.”

“Kay.” Richie made his way to the door with him, relieved when Eddie took initiative and stood on his toes to kiss him goodbye. It was nice and sweet, but too short for Richie’s liking. It had been a while since he’d gotten to be all over Eddie, beginning to enter stages of touch deprivation, although Eddie would say he was exaggerating. Sure, Eddie still kissed him, but Richie never wanted him to let go.

“Richie.” Eddie huffed, muffled by his mouth back on his. Richie kissed him longer, with more fire. And to his delight, Eddie let him, a hand at the back of his neck running his fingers through the curls of hair there. He missed the feeling, an embarrassing shudder cracking through his body.

Eddie hummed into his mouth before pulling away, rolling his eyes when Richie began littering his face with kisses. He peppered them over his cheeks and nose, trailing down to his jaw, then his lips again. “Okay, Rich!” He snapped, and Richie relished in the way he giggled before shoving him away. 

“I love you.”

Eddie visibly softened at that, pursing his lips and raising an eyebrow. “You know I’m not going off to war, right?” He joked, but his eyes were searching for something more. Eddie Kaspbrak, always an analyst. “I’m just going to Bev’s.” 

“I know, you turd.” Richie laughed, unconvincingly. “I still love you. You know that right?”

Eddie stared at him a little longer, his eyes almost begging for an explanation. Eddie had gotten better at the vulnerability of their relationship, but he was still caught off guard sometimes. It was a weird adjustment, to hear the words ‘I love you’ out of the blue without being followed by an order or attempt at manipulation. He swallowed, and Richie could see his Adam's apple bob up and down. He gave him a minute to collect himself, patiently waiting.

Eventually, he took a deep breath and rose on his tippy toes again so he could plant one last kiss to the corner of Richie’s mouth, almost on his cheek, before he was out the door. “I love you too, sap.”

Richie watched him go, smiling to himself as he pulled away in his Cadillac CTS. It was still a luxury car, but not nearly as big and intimidating as the Escalade Eddie had totaled in New York. He gave him a little wave, his smiling growing when Eddie waved back.

He turned back towards the kitchen, making his way to the fancy little Keurig machine that Eddie bought when he first moved in. It was definitely better than the centuries-old brewer that Richie had stolen from a college lounge, and he was happy to no longer drink bitter coffee water. He took his time pouring a cup and tailoring it to his liking. A spoon full and a half of sugar and a splash of creamer. Eddie hated the taste, but he’d make it for him on occasion. 

“Here’s your shit drink.” He’d scoff, holding it out for him. “I’m not kissing you until you brush your teeth.” It was always a bullshit threat because he never refused a kiss. In fact, he initiated it most of the time. He still would initiate, sometimes.

Ever since they’d gotten engaged, Eddie had withdrawn a little bit. Richie chalked it up to the anxiety of planning a wedding while the public was watching, and he understood how tough it was. Sometimes even he got stressed out and needed some time to himself. But it didn’t make it hurt any less when Eddie did it. 

He slid onto one of the barstools at the kitchen island, sipping some of the bitter drink before opening the contacts list on his phone. He scrolled until he found the name he wanted and put it on speaker. He sipped some more coffee into his mouth and set the phone on the counter, listening intently to each ring. After the fourth ring, the call was picked up.

“Rich?”

“Staniel.” Richie smiled, relieved to hear his voice. “I promise this isn’t a prank call or a butt dial.”

Stan’s exasperated laugh made him relax onto the stool. “Right. Well then I assume you’re calling me from prison or something.” 

“Maximum security, actually.”

“Doofus.” He chuckled. “Patty’s here, I’m putting you on speaker.” 

“Hi Richie!” Patty’s voice fluttered over the line.

“Hey Pattycakes!” He returned. “Thank God you’re here, your husband is boring me to death.”

“I just picked up the phone!” Stan retorted, Patty’s laugh echoing in the background. “ Also , you called me.”

“And what a mistake that was.” He feigned a bored yawn. “Put Patty back on.”

“Screw you, Richard.” He grumbled to himself, followed by a low “be nice” from his wife. “Put Eddie on, he’s much more tolerable than you.”

“Uh.” Richie scratched the back of his neck, nibbling the inside of his cheek. “He’s not here right now.”

There was a beat of silence. “Ah, this is one of those calls.”

Richie huffed out a laugh as an answer, pausing to take a large gulp of coffee. It wasn’t uncommon for him to call Stan about his romantic troubles, even before he and Eddie got their shit together. There were days when Richie would call him multiple times just to rant about his feelings and perpetual suffering as he longed for Eddie. Of course, like the other Losers, Stan knew it would work out just fine. But it took a long time to convince him that they would. He hadn’t had to call about those mess of feelings in a long time, well before they got engaged in fact. But Richie was in desperate need of that reassurance again.

“Rich, everything okay?”

“Yeah.” He sighed, shaking his head. “He’s just going out with Bev for lunch.”

“For wedding talk or spousal trauma talk?”

“Both, maybe.” He hummed, shrugging to himself. “So it’s just little ole me at the house. I guess it’s nice though. For him to have a break from planning I mean.”

“How are things going with the planning and everything?”

“It’s a lot.” He admitted, fidgeting on his stool. “Eddie’s doing most of it. I try to help but he insists on taking the reins.”

“No planner?” Stan asked. “Patty hired a planner after I popped the question. We didn’t have to do a damn thing.”

“Not a single thing.” Patty confirmed. “It was glorious. Pricey, but so worth it.”

“Trust me, I’ve tried. He refuses.” He huffed. “He was all in it at the beginning. He still is, like, planning and stuff. But he’s been so weird about it.”

“Weird how?”

“He looks fucking miserable around here these days.” He frowned, downing the rest of his cup and shoving it to the side. “And don’t even get me started on not being intimate.”

“Okay, yeah. I’d rather you not get started on that.”

“I know he’s stressed.” Richie continued, rambling on. “But he’s doing all this planning and not accepting any help. Then he completely pulls away from me and it fucking scares me.”

“Why does it scare you, Rich?”

“Oh gee, I don’t know.” He spat, nausea churning in his stomach. “Sometimes I look at him and I just think— maybe he’s having second thoughts.”

“Richie.” Stan and Patty both said at the same time.

“What! That’s a pretty valid concern, is it not?”

“He just sounds overwhelmed.” Patty tried.

“Eddie is the one who pushed for a big wedding!” He argued. “He knows I’d get married in the fucking bathroom if we had to!” 

“Maybe he’s trying to have a better second wedding.” Stan reasoned. “He did marry a woman the first time around. And it didn’t sound like a very good time.”

“Didn’t he get married in a private ceremony with her family and his mom?” Patty asked quietly, humming to herself when Stan presumably affirmed that. 

“Richie, did it ever occur to you that Eddie is desperately trying to do the opposite of his first wedding? To make sure that this time it goes differently?”

“I don’t know, Stan.” He murmured. “I just wish he would let me help out. I know he’s got past marital trauma but I don’t want him to stress out.”

“Weddings are stressful.” He stated. “But yes, he’s probably having an extra rough time considering everything that happened with his ex-wife.” Riche was quiet for a moment, trying his best to accept that as an answer. But he couldn’t help his thoughts from drifting.

“What if all of the stress gets to him?” He shook his head, blinking away the glossy coat of his eyes. “I don’t know what I’d do if he had a change of heart. It might literally kill me.”

“Richie.” They both said again. Stan sighed audibly, clicking his tongue. “Do I need to talk you off the ledge?”

“Mayhaps.” He sniffled.

“Eddie uprooted his entire life for you.” He said simply. That much was true, no matter how many times Richie tried to deny it. Eddie moved across the country, got divorced, quit his job, sold his house and car, proposed to him, and was planning their wedding. It all happened so fast though, too soon maybe.

“Yeah, what if I’m just a midlife crisis for him?” Richie scoffed at the tears welling up in his eyes. “Fuck.”

“I know you’re not stupid enough to believe that.” 

“You underestimate my stupidity.” 

“Talk to him.” Patty suggested. “Confront him about it, gently. It’ll be good for both of you to open up about the stress. And whatever fears you might be having.”

“Doesn’t feel good to think about him being afraid to marry me.”

“That’s not what she meant and you know it.” Stan said bluntly. “It’s normal to have fears. I was incredibly nervous and stressed when we were getting married.”

“Me too.” Patty added. “It would be weirder if he didn’t care. I think that’s what this really is. Proof that he cares. He’s just struggling to manage it all.”

“Talk to him.” Stan agreed. “Promise us.”

Richie had never been great at communicating his feelings. It was always easy to mask feelings of awkwardness, hurt, or sadness with a joke. But hiding it all was beginning to take its toll on his mental health, and he couldn’t even think of a joke to shield himself from the serious advice being offered to him. He had nowhere to hide and nothing to use as a distraction. “I promise.” 

Maybe not when he got home, and maybe not the next day. Or the day after that. He didn’t agree on a deadline, but he knew that it was the right thing to do. Stan and Patty were smart, and more importantly, happily married. It would be foolish of Richie not to take their advice. That, and Richie was never one to break a promise.

***

Eddie sat in Beverly’s driveway for a moment to take a few breaths. He swallowed the anxiety that had been looming over him for a while now and marched up to her front door. He knew that hanging out with Beverly would be fun, she was always fun to be around. But while her company was exciting, it was also comforting. 

But while she was comforting, she was also confrontational. Eddie knew she’d ask about wedding planning and other plans for the future. It was a guarantee, especially since she was graciously crafting both of their suits. And Eddie also had things to get off of his chest, but it didn’t stop him from already dreading the conversation. He took another few breaths before ringing the doorbell. 

He heard Beverly call out that she’d be there in a minute, and Eddie took the full sixty seconds to gather himself. He knew she would see through his efforts, but he still felt the need to attempt being a normal person who was not riddled with anxiety. 

“Hey you.” She chimed, a bright smile on her face when she opened the door. “C’mon in.”

He smiled back, following her through the doorway and towards the kitchen. He was grateful for the air conditioning after just a few minutes of waiting outside in the heat. He plopped himself down onto the dining table chair she gestured to. “Is Ben home?”

“He’s meeting with a client. He told me to tell you hi and give you a hug.” She hummed, handing him a bottle of water from the fridge before moving to sit across from him.

“So am I getting that hug, or?”

“Do you need one?” She looked at him intently with a raised eyebrow.

Here we go. Eddie laughed lightly, shrugging. 

She pushed her own bottle aside and crossed her arms, continuing to stare at him. He knew that she knew that he was on the verge of crumbling. “How’s wedding planning going?”

“It’s going.” He sighed, fumbling with his bottle. He uncapped it quickly and lifted it to his mouth with shaky hands. She watched him the entire time, studying his reaction. “It’s a lot of work. You get it.”

“It is.” She agreed, nodding her head slowly. “Have you two finally discussed the name change?”

“I think we’re going with the hyphen. Somehow I think my name matters more to Richie than me.” He swallowed, his mouth drying up. He took another swig of water, hurried and uncoordinated. “It’s fine though. Kaspbrak-Tozier sounds nice I guess.”

“You guess.” She repeated, eyebrows rising on her forehead. “Have you picked a venue?”

“No, that’s probably the most stressful part.” He dropped his gaze, examining the wooden table that Ben and Mike had built together. He was glad that he had most of his friends living in California with the exception of Stan and Patty. “There’s a few that are nice, but we aren’t set on anything yet. We’ve narrowed it down a lot though.”

“You can always have it at our farm.”

“Thanks, but Nebraska is a little cold.” He snorted, looking back up at her with a sheepish smile. “Not everyone wants a winter wedding like you guys. We’re trying to plan a beachy summer wedding.”

“Yeah, yeah. Beachy would be really nice.” She smiled. “Do you have a cake in mind?”

“Not yeah, we have a few tastings to schedule. It’s hard to find a time that works for the both of us and… can we just—” He cleared his voice, his stomach swirling. “I don’t want to talk about this too much.” 

“Oh. Sorry.” Her face turned confused, her arms unfolding so they could rest on the table. “Aren’t you excited, though?”

“I am, I swear.” He puffed out, his chest feeling tight. “I just— it’s hard to explain.”

“How are you really, Eddie?” Her eyes bore into his own with an intensity that had him both nervous and entranced. He knew there was no hope in lying, not that he was ever good at it when it came to anyone but his mother. She reached a hand across the table to grab one of his, and he resisted the natural instinct to pull away. 

“I’m panicking.” He admitted, squeezing her hand tightly. “Fuck, this is scary. Were you this paranoid? Petrified, even?” He bit down on his lip, a swirl of anxiety and insecurity churning in his stomach. “Am I doing the right thing?”

“Do you think you’re doing the right thing?” She asked, her face softening at his hesitance. “You know what I think? I think that you and Richie are literally made for each other. As far as I’m concerned, you’ve been the married couple of the group since we were in middle school. A real marriage isn’t going to change anything.” She squeezed his hand back. “It just means a fancy ring, paperwork, and some juicy tax benefits.”

“That part sounds nice.” He laughed, feeling a little more relaxed. “I just feel like I’m going crazy. I’m high-strung over everything and it seems like he’s handling it so much better. I know he’s probably nervous too but he’s dealing with his shit and I’m over here being a lunatic.”

“Well he’s a Pisces and you’re a Scorpio.” She said, like it made perfect sense.

Eddie blinked at her. “Beverly, I’m fucking forty-two years old. I don’t know what any of that means.” 

“But you’re gay, so you should know a little.” She smirked.

“I— I don’t know if you can say that.” He managed a laugh. “That’s not very PC of you.”

“Fuck being PC, I’m the B in LGBT so I’m allowed to make jokes. And stop trying to deflect, we’re getting distracted.” She let go of his hand to pull out her phone. “You know what, scratch having lunch here. We’re going to meet with Bill.”

He sighed, planting an elbow on the table so he could rest his cheek on his hand. “I was excited for your grilled cheese though.” That, and he wasn’t exactly excited for a divorcee meeting. Despite knowing that his friends had good advice to give, he was never one to enjoy being in the hot seat.

“Boo hoo, next time.” She promised, holding the phone to her ear. “This is important.”

They settled on a small cafe a short walk from Ben and Beverly’s house, and Bill arrived not long after from his and Mike’s house in Beverly Hills. They ordered a few different platters for them to all share and two drinks while they were waiting for Bill. It was a strategic move so as to not be interrupted while they were having their little niche meeting.  

“You look great, Eddie.” He smiled at him after pulling away from a short hug. Eddie gave his shoulder a loving squeeze and waited for him to greet Beverly. It was odd, being taller than Bill. But Eddie still admired him and his opinion just as much as he did when they were kids. “You both look great.”

“Thanks, Bill. I don’t feel very great though.”

They all sat in their seats and Beverly was the first to clear her throat. “We need to have a chat. This is a divorcee club meeting.” She pointed an accusing finger at Bill, who had an awkward smirk on his face. “You and Mike should just move to LA, that would make these things a lot easier. Then we’d only have to convince Stan to join the club.”

“He’s never moving to LA.” Eddie said with certainty.

“We’ve thought about it.” Bill assured her before turning his attention to Eddie. “What about you? Have you and Richie talked about moving after the wedding?”

Eddie settled back in his chair, trying to seem casual and not so tense regarding the topic. “He wants to. He says that he wants something the both of us pick out.” He explained, shrugging nonchalantly. “There’s a nice place in Bel Air that’s gorgeous and it has a guest house. His parents are thinking about moving to the west coast, and the guest house would mean they’d be able to stay on the property.”

Beverly was most definitely glaring at him for going against her plans of recruiting everyone to Los Angeles, but Bill started before she could get the words in. “That sounds really nice, actually. He’s probably tired of this place anyway. And I get why he wants to build something new with you, that’s how I felt with Mike.” He reached towards the center of the table to grab a few more fries. “Plus, it’s a bonus if he can have friends and family stay there.” 

“It is nice.” He hummed, picking at his plate. “But I don’t want too much to change.” 

“Why would they?” He asked gently, glancing over to Beverly who had a more concerned look on her face. Eddie shrugged, not wanting to drudge up the negative thoughts constantly swirling around in his head. He felt himself frown, and he closed his eyes to ward off feeling sick.

“See, this is what we need to get into.” She said carefully. “You’re panicking, Eddie. Why?”

That was a question that had many answers. What wasn’t he panicking about? He knew that every worry flooding into his mind was irrational, but it didn’t help bring down the feeling of dread he got when he thought about what could go wrong. There was so much on the line, and Eddie didn’t feel equipped for the future at all. “I don’t exactly have a great track record of being a good husband.” He laughed at himself. He then rested his face into his hands, fighting back frustrated tears. “And if I fuck this up I’m not only losing the love of my life. I’ll be losing my best friend too.” 

Eddie hated crying. It gave him a headache, threatened dehydration, and above all: it made him feel weak. He hated that he couldn’t handle his emotions, and he felt terrible for being such a nervous and miserable wreck discussing what should be one of the happiest moments of his life. Bill reached over and gripped his shoulder, rubbing a hand up and down his arm. 

“Eds, Richie would never abandon you. You do know that right?”

“I know that.” He spat, feeling a mixture of anger and sadness at himself. The nickname did make him feel a tiny bit better though. “But my brain also fucking doesn’t, and it terrifies me.”

“Hey, I was scared too.” Bev chimed in, nudging his foot underneath the table. “It’s okay to be scared, but it’s also okay to be loved.”

Eddie nodded. He knew that he deserved to be loved. Actually loved and not in the sick way that he’d been “loved” in the past. He’d never feared abandonment before with any of his past partners. With most of them, the threat of abandonment was even comforting sometimes. It made him feel relieved that no one was completely dependent on him. Whether that was emotionally, physically, financially, etc. Even Myra, who often reassured Eddie that she was never going to leave him, had moments when she would threaten him with going to her mom’s house or making him sleep on the couch. That was all fine and dandy to him, and there were times that he even begged for an opportunity for the distance.

But with Richie, the thought of abandonment made him want to keel over in his seat. Just thinking about Richie potentially getting tired of carrying Eddie’s baggage and requesting distance was enough to cause him actual pain in his chest. It plagued his nightmares, the thought of being alone and without him. Which is why it was so confusing why, on one hand, he couldn’t bear to be separated from Richie but at the same time was petrified of marrying him.

But they all knew that it was a toxic mixture of self-sabotage and fear. Fear that he would be a terrible husband, and that Richie would finally realize that he deserved better than Eddie.

“I was scared too.” Bill admitted. “For a lot of reasons. But the same as you, I thought I was going to be a terrible husband just I like was to Audra.” He smiled awkwardly, seemingly thinking back to her. “I’m glad we could end things on a friendly note, but I really dragged her through the mud. But guess what, my marriage with Mike is nothing like my marriage to Audra. And I suspect yours with Richie will be much different too.”

Despite Eddie’s brain struggling to compute the rational explanation, Bill’s eloquent way of speaking about his marriage did calm him a bit. “It already is so different.” He nodded. “Otherworldly, really.”

“See, you’re working yourself up for no reason. You and Richie’s relationship should not even tolerate comparisons to your previous relationships.” Beverly said with certainty. “You know, therapy helped me with this a lot.” 

It made him feel a little bit bad. Richie almost never referenced past relationships, not that he had many serious ones. But if he did mention them, it was to highlight how much he loved Eddie and how happy he was now. It was in a way that made Eddie feel proud, and here he was using his past relationships to doubt himself instead of recognizing how happy and lucky he should feel.

Eddie had gone to therapy many times, especially after everything that happened in Derry. Though he hardly went anymore unless there was some sort of psychological revelation or emergency. But there weren’t many of those, and he had begun to think that he had resolved many of the issues he’d lugged with him to Los Angeles. Apparently not, it seemed. 

“I thought I was doing better. God, I sound like such an asshole for complaining.” He mumbled, shoving his plate away from him. “But I just thought you guys would understand. Especially you, Bev. How’d you do it? You and Ben sailed into marriage so easily despite your first one. I’m over here being a nutcase and my situation wasn’t even as bad as yours.” 

Her face soured and she dropped the fry she was holding. “Hun, first of all, don’t compare our situations. Our abuse. ” Her voice was firm and serious. “Our situations were both difficult. And we are handling things differently, yes. But it wasn’t easy for me either, it took a while honestly. I had to learn to ask for help.” She reached for his hand and held it tightly. “You can’t keep it all bottled in. If you do, it’s going to hurt you both.”

He knew she was right, and the possibility of hurting Richie frightened him more than anything. “I know.” He said hoarsely, fighting the tears welling in his eyes. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I want to be happy, I am— but my mind keeps focusing on everything that can go wrong.” He glanced down at his plate, feeling nauseous. “I don’t want to eat, my sleep is shit, I can’t think straight, and I just— I can’t lose Richie. I can’t.”

“And you won’t.” Bill said so adamantly that it had to be a fact. “Don’t push him away, Eddie. Richie wants to be there for you. He loves you, like an insane amount. You know that.” 

Eddie took a moment to stare at him while he spoke. He’d always looked up to him like he was the coolest guy on the planet, full of admiration and pride to be his friend. For his short stature, he was always the biggest person in the room. It meant a lot to Eddie that someone with so much compassion and fierce leadership would take the time to support him. And it certainly wasn’t the first time he was overwhelmed by the support of his friends: something he hadn’t had in his life since leaving Derry the first time when they were still kids.

“I miss when you had a stutter. It’s harder to make fun of you now.” Eddie sighed. He felt like a little boy getting taught a valuable lesson from his big brother. He was grateful, but also slightly embarrassed for being such a fool. “That’s what he’d do.”

“He would. He’d make fun of my height too, you can still use that.” He smiled, and Eddie was thankful that he didn’t take any offense to his comment. “He always loved the jokes. But I think he did it mostly to get your attention.”

Beverly laughed, rolling her eyes as she reminisced with them. “God, he used to purposely say and do the dumbest shit just so you’d fuss over him.” 

“He still does that.” Eddie smiled, looking at her sheepishly. 

“Exactly.” They both said, smiling back victoriously.

Eddie felt much better heading home. His heart rate resumed its normal pace and the dread and anxiety washed away. He figured that he should schedule more divorcee lunches in the future. He didn’t feel as close to the edge of a breakdown anymore, and he could breathe easy as he made his way back to the house.

When he got the door open, he was met with a horrible sound. He could tell it was the blender making the loud and piercing noises, and he winced as he got closer to the kitchen. Sure enough, Richie was in there plugging his ears for a few more seconds before finally turning it off. He looked focused on whatever he was making, so much so that he didn’t even realize Eddie walked into the kitchen.

When he did, his face cracked into a grin and he kissed back when Eddie pecked him on the lips. “Hey, you. I didn’t hear you come in.”

“I wonder why.” Eddie snorted, eyes landing on the blender. “What are you making?”

“Smoothies.” He hummed, popping the plastic lid off so he could give it a taste. “I’m adding more stuff, but right now it’s got some healthy shit and that protein powder you like in it. I figured you could take some on a run.”

Eddie hadn’t been on a run in a good while, distracted from everything going on. Usually he followed his strict exercise routine, but he found it harder and harder to force himself when everything in his life was already hectic enough. But it would be good for him to get back outside more often, both he and Richie knew that. “It looks good.”

“It’s alright. Not sweet enough yet.” Richie tossed in a few sliced strawberries before grabbing some more from the container. “How was lunch?”

Eddie watched him carefully slice more strawberries. This was the part of their domestic life that he loved. The instinctual thoughtfulness. Plus, Richie was great in the kitchen. “We ended up going to a cafe.” He debated telling him more before deciding that it was best to be truthful. “We met up with Bill.” 

Richie paused his movements with the knife to glance at him. “Was this a divorcee meeting?” His shoulders shook with hidden laughter, and Eddie swatted him. “Now I’m kinda glad I wasn’t invited.”

“Yeah, yeah.” He huffed out a laugh of his own, glad that Richie found it funny. “It wasn’t supposed to be a meeting.”

“Did you have a good time though?”

Eddie watched him carefully dump the newly cut strawberries into the blender before moving to unpeel a banana. “Yeah, I did.”

“Good.” He nodded, deciding not to pry any further. “Are you full or do you still want to order dinner later?”

“I didn’t eat much.” He admitted, thankful for the opportunity to move past the topic. “What were you thinking?”

“Not sure, we can look through our impressive stache of menus. Or we can just snack.” He snickered, turning to hold the banana up to him. Eddie scrunched his nose, not in the mood for a bite, but he found himself taking the tip into his mouth anyway for a tiny piece. Richie’s eyes widened and he whistled while waving a hand in front of his face like he was suddenly hit with a burst of heat. “That was oddly sexy.”  

Eddie shoved the banana back toward him, mushing it against his chin, holding back a smile at Richie’s smug cackling. He tossed his head back as he laughed, wiping at the remnants of banana. Eddie loved watching him laugh, enamored by the way his eyes crinkled and his teeth bared. He looked so handsome that Eddie couldn’t help but hall him in for a kiss.

He needed it, just to feel Richie in a way that stress and anxiety had deprived him of for a while. He was already overflowing with emotions and couldn’t help himself. Eddie used to kiss like a madman, feverish and desperate with it. And while it was “bad” by traditional standards, Richie loved every second of it. This time, though, he was firm yet gentle and much more calculated. He’d pat himself on the back for becoming a better kisser over the years if he wasn’t so busy kissing the life out of him. 

When he pulled away it left Richie breathless and weak in his knees. “Woah.” He gripped the counter for stability. “What was that for?”

“Nothing.” Everything. “I just love you.” He said simply, but with those words he was saying so much. So much that he wasn’t ready to or even capable of putting into words just yet, but that he wanted him to know so badly. Richie wasn’t a mind reader, but he could get pretty close to it in regards to Eddie’s thoughts and feelings. Especially when he said things like that, with those big sincere eyes.

“Huh, I love you too.” He hummed, pulling Eddie in closer. He slung one arm around his shoulders and the other hugging his waist, ecstatic that Eddie didn’t scurry out of the kitchen. He held him tightly, Eddie breathing soft breaths into his neck as he wrapped both arms around his torso. Richie kissed his forehead and whispered an apology as he turned on the blender again.

And even though the noises sounded harsh enough to make Eddie’s ears ring, he felt the calmest that he’d felt all week.

***

The calm, unfortunately, was short-lived.

As it turns out, planning a wedding is expensive and hard. The waves of anxiety and tension in their house only grew as plans got solidified and the date got closer. And Eddie, despite his sincere efforts not to, continued to have moments of withdrawing. 

He sat on the couch, hardly in any comfortable position, hunched over as he went over finances for the billionth time. His spreadsheet was constantly being modified, and he was obsessive over it at this point. His eyes were heavy, his head hurt, and felt like a zombie. He knew that the stress was getting to him. And even though a big part of him reminded him of the likelihood of an early death due to uncontrolled stress, another part of him demanded that he keep order of every aspect of their upcoming wedding. 

And weddings require a lot of planning.

He never had to plan a wedding before seeing as Myra’s family handled everything and the whole ordeal was small and short. It was a private ceremony with his mother and Myra’s family in attendance, and it was hardly a celebration. Thinking back on it, the only thing Eddie remembered being excited about was the tax break to come after the documents were all filed. 

But before he could officially start making wedding plans and booking entertainment, selecting flowers, compiling the guest list, etc, he had to establish how everything was going to be budgeted. He didn’t mind going bigger with this wedding, believing that Richie deserved a more extravagant celebration than Eddie’s sorry excuse for a first wedding.

He greatly underestimated the amount of planning that an “extravagant” wedding required. 

He angrily typed a set of numbers into his spreadsheet and rubbed over his face with a hand, exasperated. It seemed he’d also underestimated the cost of a more extravagant wedding. And while he and Richie could afford it, it seemed like the predicted expenses kept on rising with each step forward. Since when was wedding insurance a thing? 

He felt like he wanted to scream, punching the couch cushion for little relief. He didn’t notice Richie padding into the living room, his hair wild and sweatpants riding low on his waist. “Morning, sunshine.” He greeted, a small look of confusion on his face.

It was early, and Eddie hardly got out of bed at this time unless it was for work or to go on a run. But it was a weekend, and he planned to do nothing but buckle down and finalize the financial situation. At least for now. “Morning.” He grumbled, rubbing his eyes to soothe them from staring at the screen for so long. 

“Whatcha up to?”

“Just going over budgeting stuff.” 

“Ah.” He sat next to him carefully, a gentle hand resting on his lower back. “Can I help with anything?”

“I don’t think so.” He sighed. He let his body relax just a little bit. “Thank you, though.”

“Have you had coffee yet?”

“Two cups.”

“Jesus.” He mumbled, pressing a kiss to his temple. His hands found a place on Eddie’s shoulders, digging his thumbs into the tense muscles. “You need a break.”

It felt good, and Eddie knew that he meant well. But he didn’t have time for a break. He wanted to be done with as much as possible before he could even think about relaxing. There was too much to be done to just relax. “Can’t.” 

“Eds, this can wait.” He tried, gripping his shoulders tightly. Eddie felt himself being moved closer to him but he fought against it. Richie let out another sigh, trying again to bring him a little closer. “Eddie—”

“I can’t take a break, Richie.” He said bluntly, eyes staying glued to the screen. “Not right now, at least.”

“Fine.” It came out low and slightly frustrated, yet he made one last attempt to get his attention. Richie’s hands felt soft and warm around his face, but Eddie couldn’t allow himself to be distracted. Richie frowned when he pulled away again. “What, I can’t even kiss you?”

“Later! This is important.” Eddie hissed. “I’m not in the mood to fool around right now.” He didn’t mean for it to sound so harsh, and when he finally looked up at him he caught the hurt look settling on his face. 

“I’m not trying to fool around. ” He repeated, like the words tasted sour in his mouth. “I just wanted to kiss my fiancé good morning.” 

Eddie, as stubborn as he could be, knew he messed up. He could tell that Richie was feeling hurt, and he immediately shut the laptop. “Rich, I’m sorry.” His tone was much softer and clearly apologetic. “Hey, I shouldn’t have— you didn’t deserve that.” He scooted closer to where Richie had retreated, leaning in towards him only for Richie to back away again.

“No thanks.” He shook his head, eyes narrowed behind his glasses. He abruptly stood up. “I don’t want them if they’re pity kisses.” 

Now Eddie felt horrible, and he could sense that Richie was about to run. His hand shot out to grab ahold of his wrist before he could walk away. “No, no. They’re not.” He tugged on him gently as to silently ask him to sit back down. “I’m sorry.” He repeated.

“For what.” Richie pulled his arm away so he could cross his arms as he sat back down. He didn’t look at him as he did, and Eddie felt himself being force fed a big taste of his own medicine. 

“Richie, I love you.” He said, desperate. “I do, and I love your morning kisses, I really fucking do. I— I’m just really stressed.” That was putting it lightly. “I know that isn’t a good excuse, and I’m sorry for brushing you off. This has just been a lot.”

When Richie looked him in the face, his eyes were scared. “Eddie, you’re freaking me the fuck out.” He admitted. “I need you to tell me what’s going on.”

The admission felt like a punch to the gut and Eddie gripped him tighter. He thought about what Beverly and Bill had said. He pushed Richie away, and he needed to resolve it as quickly as possible before it ended up really hurting them both. Richie was already clearly hurt and dejected, his eyes still looking afraid as Eddie attempted a smile. “Not to sound cliche, but it’s not you. It’s me.” He explained. “I’m anxious. About the wedding and the planning and all of the stuff. I just want to do this right this time.”

Richie’s tense shoulders dropped a little bit as he spoke, looking a little less scared. “Why are you anxious about that?”

Eddie felt a bubble of laughter in his throat, but he held it in. He didn’t even know how to answer the question, but he wanted to try. For both of their sake. “I feel like this all happened really fast.” He quickly tripped over his words when Richie’s eyes widened, and he waved his hands frantically. “No, no— not like that. It’s more like, fuck, I’m glad that this is happening. I want this to happen. It’s just that… I feel like it hasn’t been long enough for you. ”

“What?”

“I’m scared that after we get married and keep going with our lives, you’ll realize that I’m not the person you fell in love with when we were kids.” His voice cracked a little, and he shook his head rather violently to ward off tears. “I just don’t want to disappoint you.”

“Hey, enough of that shit.” Richie pulled him in, voice soft yet assertive. “Don’t say that to me.”

“But it’s true. I feel like I can’t live up to your expectations of me, I try, but I’m just not good at this.” He panted against him, his breathing feeling labored.

“Eds, I don’t expect anything from you.” Richie held him tight, one hand rising to comb through his hair. “You know I don’t. I’m not Myra and I’m not your mom. I love you, and even though you’re a little bastard sometimes, I don’t get disappointed.” 

Eddie shuddered a laugh into his shirt, letting himself be fully pulled in. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t.” He kissed the top of his head. “You need to let me help you. I want to help you with this, please.”

Eddie wanted to shout “No! I can do it myself!” But he took a deep breath in, held it, and then slowly let it out. “Okay, yeah. I may have taken on a little too much.” He admitted. “I’ll give you things to do. I do need to just… give myself a little break.” Just a little.

They curled together on the couch for a while in complete silence. Richie rubbed his back while he caught his breath and calmed down and Eddie stayed put with his face buried into his shirt. It was nice to open up a little bit, and even better that Richie didn’t hesitate to dismiss his fears and reassure him that everything was going to be okay. Sure, Beverly and Bill did the same thing, but it was different hearing it from Richie. The way that he was so confident that things would be fine was both a relief in Eddie’s mind and a catalyst for butterflies fluttering in his chest. He hoped that he could stay in this relaxed yet giddy state forever, but he knew it was unrealistic. For now, he settled for being held and relishing the feeling of Richie’s hand stroking soothing marks down his back. 

Richie seemed to have another idea though. “Hey.” He perked up, a light bulb going off in his head. “We should get high.”

Eddie grinned into his chest and shook his head a little bit. “We tried that once. It ended terribly.” 

“That was a shitty edible.” He countered, pulling him away from his chest gently so he could look at him. “This time we’ll get the good stuff. Calm you right down.” 

Eddie blinked at him, mind racing at the absurdity of trying again after he tripped badly the first time. But there was something about the way Richie was staring at him with a childlike expression, like a kid on Christmas. Something that always made it so easy for him to agree. “Fine, I’ll try it.” 

“Haza!” He smacked a big wet kiss to his cheek, earning him a pinch to his side where Eddie was still clutching him tightly. “If you don’t like it I’ll feed you the smoke like a baby bird.” 

“Jesus, just call it shotgunning like a normal fucking stoner.” He half laughed before tilting his chin up to kiss his jaw, then his lips when Richie tilted his head down to meet him. It felt good to just not think about everything stressing him out and instead kissing his stupid fiancé. Fiancé. The title still stressed him out. He still felt all over the place but they moved on, settling back on the couch and turning on the cooking channel. Eddie decided not to even look at his laptop that was still resting on the coffee table.

Richie felt better that Eddie opened up a little bit, but he also had his moments of stress.

Eddie noticed a few days after his own breakdown, Richie had fallen abnormally quiet. He could tell that he was in his head, but he didn’t want to push it. But he also didn’t want things to blow up like they did with him, so he decided to intervene sooner rather than later. 

He found him outside one afternoon in the backyard, tucked into their little hammock in the shade. He looked deep in thought, arms behind his head as he stared directly up in the trees and toward the sky. 

“Are you meditating?” Eddie joked, his voice gentle and low as to not disturb the peace.

Richie smiled at the clouds and breathed out a laugh. “Just thinking.” His head lolled to the side so he could look at Eddie, and his smile was tight and forced. 

“That’s dangerous.” He smiled back nonetheless, crossing his arms. “What’s the matter?” 

“Nothin.” He shrugged, his shoulders stiff with his arms still tucked behind his head. He looked back up at the sky and inhaled deep through his nose. He then shut his eyes and Eddie considered just leaving him alone. But he needed to get through to him before whatever was bothering him ate him up inside. 

“You sure? Is— are you okay?” He tried, unsure exactly how to ask the right questions. 

“I’m fine, honey.” The pet names always got Eddie. They made him bashful, so much so that Eddie almost backed off and scurried inside to savor the warm and fuzzy feeling he got. But he knew that Richie was lying. He wasn’t fine, and fixing that was more important than anything to Eddie. 

“Are you stressed?” 

Richie laughed at the question, his body shaking the hammock slightly. “A little bit.” He admitted. “But not for any reason that matters. It’s silly.”

“What do you mean?”

Richie didn’t answer immediately. It was like the words were trapped in his throat, and he swallowed thickly to dislodge them. Eddie waited patiently for him, something he was best at when it came to Richie. His eyes were still closed and his expression withered, a grim look replacing his faux happy one. “I’m scared of the deadlights.”

The words made Eddie stumble a bit, his heart rate spiking before he could shake the fear from his body. “Why?” He was scared to ask the question, but he was even more scared of Richie having to deal with the answers alone. 

“I keep thinking— what if I stand at the altar, my dreams coming true…” He trailed away so he could blink his eyes open and look at Eddie. “…and then I wake up back in that fucking cave.” His eyes look petrified and Eddie felt his heart break.

“Are you having nightmares again?” He swallowed, unfolding his arms. The silence he got as an answer made him more upset. Not at Richie, but at everything. It just wasn’t fair. “Richie, you should wake me.” 

“I don’t want to bother you.”

“Sweetheart, I like when you bother me.” He said a little louder. He knew that he wasn’t the only one impacted by terms of endearment. He didn’t use them often, but when he did they were a powerful force. His words were effective immediately, and Richie nodded in understanding without any rebuttal. “That’s why I’m marrying you, remember?”

His eyes were still scared and sad, but he gave a little smile at that. This time, to Eddie’s relief, it was genuine. “Yeah, I remember.”

“You’re not in the deadlights.” He reassured him. “We’re so over that shit.”

“Yeah.” He said again, this time with a small laugh. “We’re over it. We’re past all that.”

“That’s right.” He accepted that hand that Richie reached out towards him and gave it a squeeze, even leaning over so he could peck the back of his hand quickly. He let Richie pull him closer to the hammock and eventually pull him into it with him. “Rich, this thing can’t hold the both of us.”

But he settled into it with him anyway, and Richie ignored his concerns too. “You need a break, babe, you’ve been planning all morning.” 

“I told the venue that I’d give them a call.” 

“They can wait, c’mon.” He kissed his forehead, grinning into his hair when Eddie made no attempt to get up. They’d agreed that they’d both take more breaks from planning, and they both kept their word for the most part. When the hammock settled and adjusted to their combined weight, not snapping and sending them to the ground, they snuggled for the first time in a while. And it felt blissful. 

Both of them missed the closeness, even if it was a little awkward to relax in a suspended piece of fabric as two fully grown men. But they took the chance and settled back together just like when they were kids. And if they could do it then, when thoughts of an evil clown loomed on them, they could do it now. They relished it, the closeness and the chance to pretend they weren’t both stressed for a little bit.

***

When Summer began in full, it seemed like neither Richie or Eddie could catch a decent break. Ben’s birthday had passed, which everyone came together to celebrate for, and they had Bill’s birthday to look forward to next. Richie had also just gotten a deal with Netflix, which also called for celebration. But it also meant that he’d be really busy, and while both of them were excited, Richie and Eddie already had a lot on their plate. The wedding date got closer and closer, and Eddie kept on planning feverishly for it. In fact, ideas and planning turned into actual doing. 

They’d found a wedding venue by the beach that they had pretty much locked down, and finances were in order for the most part. But they still had to book food tastings, decide on what would be served, and pick out a cake. They also had to get outfitted again by Beverly, who was in charge of their suits, and they needed to decide on a color scheme and decorations. 

And as if that wasn’t already stressful, they still had yet to hire photographers, a DJ, a bartender, or put together a finalized guest list. No matter how much got done, it still seemed as if they had nothing completed yet, and Eddie could feel himself about to snap. Hiring a planner seemed a little late and he was regretting his refusal for professional help.

Luckily, he did allow Richie to help with some things. Richie is the one who was in the process of talking to various caterers, the cake designer, and he also took care of booking rooms for guests who would be traveling to their wedding. He was also in charge of sorting through the guest list. And even with the responsibilities split between them, things never seemed to get any less stressful.

“Hey, Eds?” He hummed, leaning against the back of the chair he was sitting in. “A lot of people on this list are from my side.”

Eddie paused his furious typing to look up at him from the couch where he had hardly moved from in days. “So?”

Richie blinked at him, then turned back at the list of names, then narrowed his eyes. “I don’t know. I figured you’d maybe want to invite more people that you know.” The majority of the guest list was composed of Richie’s family, old friends, and people he’d worked with. 

“I’ll have the Losers there.” He shrugged, hoping that the conversation would end there. “Plus, I know most of your people now. It’s fine.”

“Eddie that’s—” He stopped himself short. “You should invite more people, this is your wedding too.”

“I know, Rich. I said it’s fine.” He shook his head and clenched his jaw. “Drop it.”

“Are you upset now?” He frowned, sighing at Eddie’s increasing tenseness and irritability. “I’m just trying to help.”

“I’m not upset!” He threw his hands in the air, now effectively distracted from the email that needed to be sent to the photography company. “What do you want me to say? I don’t want anyone on my side to come, alright?”

“But—”

“Who should I invite then, Richie? I don’t have a bunch of family and friends like you do. Would you like me to invite Myra and her family? Would that make you feel better?”

Richie dropped the list on the table and stepped down from his chair, approaching the couch slowly. “That was out of line, man. I just feel—”

“What? Bad for me?”

“Can you let me fucking talk?” Richie snapped but quickly pulled back, clearing his throat and taking a deep breath. “All I was trying to say is that maybe you should reach out to some people. Old college friends, distant family, I don’t know. This could be a nice opportunity to reconnect.”

“Trust me, the last place I want any reconnecting to happen is our wedding.” Eddie scoffed. “This is about us. Not them, and not just me.”

“Fine, forget it then.” 

“Oh, now you’re upset?” He stood up aggressively and chopped the air as he spoke. “I said it’s fine. Sorry if it sounds so sad to you but I have no interest in inviting college friends who were never really friends. I’m definitely not inviting coworkers from the job I quit to come here either. And you’re out of your damn mind if I’m reaching out to my mom’s or my dad’s family to invite them.” He pointed at him with a shaky hand. “ You’re the one that’s out of line to even bring it up.”

“You need to calm down.” Richie pointed back at him. 

“I was calm until you brought it up.”

“I just wanted you to consider it, damn. How do you think it makes me feel to only have people I know coming? It feels pretty shitty!” He ran a hand through his hair. “Look, I get it—” 

“No you don’t.” Eddie hissed. “You have a family that actually loves you. And you want them to be there.”

“I just don’t want you to regret this.” 

“I regretted it last time. Hell, I’ve regretted the past twenty years of my life.” He scoffed. “Where were you to coach me then, huh?”

“Stop, that’s unfair.” Richie said forcefully. This was getting out of hand, but he attempted to speak softly and refrain from getting too defensive. “I know this is all hard to handle. I know better than anyone.” 

“If I’m so hard to handle then maybe you shouldn’t have agreed to marry me.” 

“Eddie!” He scoffed. “You know that’s not what I meant!”

“You just don’t get it!” Eddie yelled, bringing both hands up to his head like he was seconds away from pulling his hair out. There was a wild look in his eye and Richie, despite trying his best, couldn’t hold back anymore.

“I’m trying! What do you want me to say?” Richie yelled back at him, all patience leaving his body. Logically, he knew he needed to back off and give Eddie space. They were both tipping over a boiling point and they needed to step down, but something came over him. He huffed at him and stared directly into his eyes as he spoke with a venom he didn’t think Eddie of all people could force out of him. “You know what, it’s not my fault you decided to marry your fucking mother the first time around.”

Eddie visibly deflated a bit, and Richie could only compare the look on his face to a kicked puppy. His eyes were wide and hurt for a moment, a shiver running through his body before he clenched his fists and puffed back up. 

“Fuck you Richie.” He seethed, but underneath all of that Richie knew he was just hurt. He hurt him. His Eds, who he swore he’d do anything to protect. And he’d just taken a dagger and stabbed him straight through the heart with it, looking into his eyes the entire time.

Then it was Richie’s turn to deflate, anger subsiding and replaced with nothing but immediate remorse. “Eddie, wait.” He reached out to him as he walked past with purpose. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t fucking touch me.” His voice was shaky as he dodged his reach. He hardly got his shoes all the way on before grabbing his keys from the hook and storming out of the front door. 

He didn’t turn around to see if Richie was following him. In fact, he kept walking quickly until he got to his car. He slid into the driver's seat and peeled out of the driveway without even thinking about how dangerous that was. He knew he shouldn’t be driving with a clouded mind and trembling hands, but he didn’t turn around. Instead, he used hands free calling to search his contacts for the right number. 

“Hello, this is Jessica with Orange County Psychiatric Associates, how may I help you today?”

“Hi.” Eddie swallowed. “This is Edward Kaspbrak speaking, I’m a client of Dr. Alice Wilson. I need an emergency appointment.”

“And what time would you like this appointment, sir?”

“Immediately.” He puffed, gripping onto the steering wheel tightly. “Please.”

“One moment, please.” There was shuffling over the line and Eddie begged silently for an open time slot. “Dr. Wilson will be available until later this evening.”

“That’s perfect, thanks.” He sighed in relief, hanging up the phone and relaxing his foot off of the gas. He was in dire need of her counseling. She knew things about Eddie that he hardly ever talked about to anyone else, even himself. When he had slowly stopped visiting, she told him that she often had gaps in her day for “emergency sessions.” Of course, if his health was in danger she advised him to call the police instead, but offered to see him when he felt he absolutely needed to. He had never taken her up on the offer until now.

He desperately needed to prevent any further spiraling, and he counted his blessings that she was free to see him. He liked her. She reminded him a little bit of Beverly with her curly red hair and blunt personality. Or maybe even Maggie Tozier, with her gentle tone and welcoming energy. He felt safe speaking to her, which was extremely important to his healing. It’s kind of hard to discuss everything fully while having to leave out the interdimensional space clown demon, but he did his best. 

Unpacking is a lot of work, and he knew that he had a lot to work on even without the clown. Eddie’s always known that he’s not an easy person to be with. He’s got serious baggage, he’s loud, he’s not perfect. Part of him will always think that maybe it’s too much, for anyone, even Richie. He slowly regretted lashing out at him. He knew deep down that all ever Richie wanted was for him to be happy. And the only one actively ruining that was Eddie. 

His hands gripping the steering wheel even tighter as he tried to slow his breathing and ease the tightening of his chest. By the time he was sitting back on Alice’s couch, his hands were aching.

He hasn’t had to go to therapy in a while. After healing physically, he was confident that he’d also healed mentally. For the most part at least. “What brings you back here, Eddie?” She said gently. “Is everything okay?”

He didn’t even know where to start or how to answer her, so he just started spewing. “Richie and I had a fight and I walked out. I was being an asshole.” He admitted. “I’ve just been so stressed since the engagement, it’s like I can’t breathe. I want to be happy, and I am, but it’s all looming.” 

“Why did you decide against hiring a planner?” She said calmly, jotting down something quickly before turning her gaze back to him.

“I wanted to do it myself. Richie always fucking does everything for us.” He tossed his hands every which way. “This time I wanted to do something. For us.” He wanted everything to be perfect yet seemed to love self-sabotaging himself. Then he began to feel painfully selfish. “Richie has his fears too, I know he does. But he doesn’t let them get between us. He’s never let anything get between us. He fucking deserves better.” 

“Isn’t that what you’re doing here? Trying to be better for him?” 

Eddie knew what she was trying to do, and he appreciated it. But he felt like he didn’t deserve to applaud himself, not after acting out like a spoiled brat. “I can try all I want, but it always feels like it’ll never be enough. I’ll never be what he deserves. But I want to give him this , at least. I want the wedding to be as perfect as possible.”

She set down her notepad and folded her hands onto her lap. “Your wedding doesn’t have to be perfect to marry someone you love, Eddie.” She smiled softly. “Weddings are symbols of marriage themselves, which are never going to be perfect.” 

Eddie looked down at his own lap to avoid her gaze, toying with his engagement ring. It was surprisingly soothing to look at. It reminded him of a time before he was so scared, when he wasn’t afraid of his love. When he took a chance to finally be happy and proposed. “Richie’s perfect though. I don’t want to disappoint him.”

“He’s perfect to you because you love him. Not because he’s perfect.” She explained. “No one is perfect, not me, not you, not Richie.” She looked him up and down and nodded. “And for what it’s worth, not one thing you’ve told me or done since you started here has disappointed me. Even your setbacks.” 

“I try my best.” He said sheepishly. “I’ve made progress.”

“Let’s revisit this issue in a moment and talk about that progress.” She suggested, opening her notepad to a fresh page. “How have your eating habits been?”

“Good, much better.” He nodded, happy for a break from discussing his fight with Richie and fears of marriage. “I’m not as obsessive over my diet anymore.”

“That’s good, I’m glad. Still exercising regularly?”

“Pretty often. I’ve been slacking a little bit because of all of the wedding planning.”

“That’s okay.” She assured him. “And have you been back to a doctor yet?”

“Yes, for annual physicals. But doctor visits are still a little triggering.” He sighed. “I go to a small office. I never want to step foot in a hospital again.” They had discussed it a lot in previous sessions: Eddie’s near death experience and subsequent traumatising hospital stay. Just thinking about it for too long made the phantom pain in his chest come back.

“Understandable.” She nodded. “And how has your social network been? Your friends are still close?”

He smiled for the first time. “Yeah. We’re all still close.” 

“You seem to be happy about that.”

“I am.” He let himself sit and feel it for a moment. It felt nice. “I’m better with going to them for help.”

“And you accept their support?”

“I try. That part is hard.” He felt his smile fade. “There’s been a few setbacks there I guess. I still have a tendency to withdraw from them sometimes. Especially Richie.” He felt his stomach lurch at the confession. “It doesn’t feel very good, but it also makes me feel better at the same time in a sick way.”

“What do you mean by that?” She asked curiously.

“I just feel guilty sometimes.”

“And why is that?”

“I just think that— because…” He trailed off and attempted to gather his thoughts and feelings. She waited patiently for him to find the words, and when he did they felt painful in his throat. “Our whole group got paired up and Richie got stuck with me. And I know it’s silly to think about it that way, but it makes me feel bad. And it makes it harder.”

“Harder to what?”

“To accept his love sometimes.” He sputtered. “And when I think too much about it like that it just kind of reinforces me feeling like I’m not worth that level of love.” He didn’t realize how much it hurt to put it like that, but it was true. Eddie feared a lot of things: disease, hospitals, marriage, family — but nothing feared him more than him not receiving Richie’s love, whether he thought he deserved it or not.

“You’re allowed to be loved, Eddie.” She said simply, letting his own words sink into his brain. “Just like you’re allowed to love others”

Eddie loved to love. He would do anything for the people he loved, he almost died for them, and he’d do it again without any hesitation. But he’d always had difficulty with being loved. In the right way at least.

Richie’s love gave him butterflies, unlike anyone else that has ever claimed to. And it struck him ten times harder knowing that he had his love since they were young boys. During a time when Eddie was afraid of love, and even hurt by it, Richie had been giving it to him the entire time and without expecting anything in return. 

He didn’t realize he was crying until he was offered a box of tissues. He’d always hated crying, especially in front of other people. But he was okay with being vulnerable when it came to Richie. He didn’t want to fight that instinct despite the embarrassment of crying while being watched so closely. 

Maybe it was the magic of therapy but he finally, finally , realized that even if he was hard to love sometimes, he still deserved to be loved. He deserved to feel those butterflies for the rest of his life, with the man he loves, no matter how scared he was.

***

Richie paced around the living room with his phone pressed firmly against his ear, his other hand running through his hair till it was sticking up in every direction in a wild mess. Eddie hadn’t answered any of his calls or texts, but he waited in hopes that he would come back home soon. He waited.

And waited.

He checked the time anxiously and slowly lost hope that he was coming back, so he frantically called the first person he could think of. On second thought, he couldn’t call Stan. It didn’t feel right to spill his dirty laundry onto him, considering that he was also Eddie’s friend and he didn’t want to put him in a war between them.

So he tried the next best thing. “Richard?”

“Pops, I fucked up.” He sputtered, continuing to pace around.

“Okay.” Wentworth hummed calmly over the phone. “Talk to me.”

“So, we were going over the guest list today, right? And I noticed that everyone on the list is people from my side. So I just suggested to Eddie that he invite some other people that he knows.” He rambled. “I thought that maybe he had some college buds or maybe even Frank’s family, I don’t fucking know. It sounded like a good idea in my head but he completely lost it. He said some mean things… I said some mean things…”

“Listen to me, son.” Went stopped him. “He’s not mad. He’s scared.”

Richie froze for a moment before laughing. “Uh, he sounded pretty damn mad. He walked out and isn’t answering any of my calls.”

“Sure, but his reaction stems from fear. I can sense it.” He sounded very confident in the explanation. “He’s probably just calming down. Ball’s in his court now.”

Richie plopped down on the couch and sighed. He understood that Eddie was scared, but he didn’t expect him to get so defensive and upset. He regretted pushing it and ever bringing it up. “Were you scared about marrying mom?” 

“Son, I was petrified. ” He chuckled. “Had nothing to do with not loving her. I wouldn’t be worried about that at all.”

“I’m not—”

“Don’t lie to me.” He cut him off. “You don’t have to worry about that at all. The way I see Eddie look at you, it reminds me of how I felt— how I feel about mom.” He knew he’d won when his son fell silent. “I thought you boys were going to elope after high school.” He joked, partially.

“We— We weren’t out yet.” Richie huffed out a laugh. “I’m pretty sure Eddie didn’t even know he was gay. Plus, it was Derry. You remember how it was there.” He could sense that his father was about to tease him more when he heard a car pull into the driveway. “Oh fuck, I think he’s back.”

An overwhelmed feeling came over him. He was relieved that he’d come back home, but he was petrified that they would continue to fight. Or even worse, that Eddie would walk in, grab some of his belongings, and leave again to spend the night at one of the other Loser’s houses. Richie prided himself on being pretty resilient, especially after surviving Derry the second time, but he wasn’t sure if he could handle that. 

“Stay calm and try to hear him out.” Went advised. “If he needs space, he needs space. He loves you and you love him, remember that. You’ll figure it out.”

“Thanks Dad.” He nodded to himself, sucking in a few short breaths. “Love you, tell Mom I’ll call her tomorrow.”

He hung up quickly and stood up from the couch to prepare himself to leave if Eddie requested space. His stomach churned at the possibility that Eddie would still be too upset to even want to be in the same room as him. He had a million things he wanted to say, but he settled for rehearsing an adequate apology in his head and was more than ready to take his father’s advice. 

It felt like forever before the front door finally swung open, but Richie was unsure if that was because he was so in his head or if Eddie had hesitated to come back inside. He didn’t move as Eddie shut the door behind him and dumped his keys back onto the key rack. There was a stiff moment of silence when Eddie locked eyes on him.

Without making a move to take his shoes off, he made a beeline straight for Richie. And it was with such purpose that Richie thought for just a split second that he was going to hit him. His body flinched despite the fact that Eddie had never laid a hand on him like that. And it seemed like he had no intention of doing so this time either, barreling directly into his chest and wrapping his arms around his midsection tightly.

When Richie caught on to what was happening, he hugged him back, gently at first. He let him bury his face into his chest and rubbed a hand up and down his back before deciding that he was good to hug him a little tighter. So he did, wrapping both arms around his head to keep him closed in against his chest. Neither of them said anything.

Eddie was squeezing him so tightly that it was difficult to breathe. “I’m sorry.” He spoke up after a long moment of silence. “I’m so so sorry.”

Richie kept his hand at the back of his head, cradling him against his chest. “I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have snapped at you.”

“I deserved it.” He muffled into his shirt, shaking his head.

Richie rubbed his back for a second longer before pressing a kiss into his hair and pulling him away. “No. You never deserve it.”

It was obvious that Eddie had been crying, evident from his damp eyelashes and puffy eyes. And by the tiny wet spots on Richie’s shirt. But he smiled up at him nonetheless, clutching onto his forearm and gesturing towards the couch. “Can we sit and talk?”

“Do you want to take your shoes off first?” He sat down onto the couch and stared up at Eddie, who had an incredulous look on his face. “Hey, it’s your rule.”

Eddie rolled his eyes with a tight smile. “You dick, I’m trying to have a serious conversation.” But he kicked them off anyway before crossing the carpet towards the couch.

“I know.” He laughed nervously, gently draping an arm over his shoulders when he sat next to him. “Just trying to add some levity.”

Eddie’s shoulders trembled with silently reciprocated laughter, leaning his head onto Richie’s shoulder. They were silent again for a little while longer. Eddie seemed much calmer, which was a relief to Richie. But he still felt nervous about what was to come. Part of him expected Eddie to gently tell him that he wanted to cancel the wedding, and he’d be okay with that. Sad and disappointed, but he’d be okay. 

“Eddie. We don’t need to get married if you don’t want to.” He offered after a shorter period of silence.

“What?”

“I know this has been a lot for you.” He explained. “And it’s okay if you want to put it off for a while. I would understand.”

Eddie’s head rose off of his shoulder so he could stare at him, a grief stricken look painting his face. “Is that what you want?”

“No!” He said quickly. “I just— I don’t want you to feel pressured. It’s not too late for us to take a step back and reevaluate things.”

Eddie shook his head, grabbing his hands tightly. “I feel terrible about making you feel this way.” He said softly. “I don’t want you to think that I’m having regrets or second thoughts, because I’m not.”

“Oh.” Richie swallowed. “Okay.”

More silence followed, and he could tell that Eddie was working on finding the words he wanted to say. So instead of filling the quiet room with a joke or his own poorly chosen words, he decided to keep his mouth shut and wait patiently. He took his father’s advice and decided to hear him out, no matter what he had to say.

“I went back to therapy.” Eddie admitted, his gaze trained on where their hands were interlocked. He had a pained look in his eyes, and Richie hated to see him hurting. “I went to talk things over, finally.”

“What did you talk about?”

“Well, I talked about our fight.” He sniffled. “But I also talked about how terrible I was being to you. And myself.”

“Eddie.”

“I told her about how I was scared.” He continued. “About the future and the wedding. And just about everything, really.” He wiped at his eyes halfheartedly, still not ready to look him in the face. “I really thought that I didn’t deserve your love, even after all this time. And I thought that you definitely deserve more than me.”

“That’s crazy talk.” Richie said, gently. “I’m obsessed with you.” 

“I know.” He smiled slightly, blinking the shine from his eyes.

“You know, the only reason I didn’t propose first is because I didn’t want to scare you off.”

“Really?”

“Mhm. Why else would I have a ring for you on standby? I just… never thought that you’d get to it first.” He shrugged. “I also kind of thought that, you know, you deserved better.”

“There is no one better than you.” He responded with an earnestness that made Richie’s chest ache. “You’re it for me.”

“Eds.” Richie breathed out, and the way he said it was more effective than any pet name he could’ve chosen. Eddie looked into his eyes and Richie leaned his forehead against his. “You know I’d do anything to make you happy, right? I never wanna make you upset.” 

Eddie let his eyes flutter shut, and Richie watched his Adam’s apple bob in his throat. “I know, Rich. You do make me happy." He let go of his hands to snake them around Richie’s neck and bring him closer in. “Happy doesn't even begin to describe it.”

“Right back at cha, lover.” Richie’s hands found a place on his waist and rubbed soothing patterns there with his thumbs. 

Eddie hummed against him, stroking his fingers through the hair at the back of his neck. “You’re not Myra.”

“Gee, I hope not.”

“I’m not making a mistake this time.” He sighed, brushing their noses together. “You’re not her.”

Richie wasn’t sure if he was talking more to him or himself, so he just held him tightly and planted a feather light kiss to the tip of his nose. “You’re not gonna bail on me, right?” 

“Never.” His eyes snapped open. “This is all really difficult for me. But I’d NEVER.” He frowned to himself and shook his head slightly. “I’m sorry for walking out.” 

“Eddie, you left to go get help. Don’t ever apologize for that. That’s really fucking brave.” He assured him, pressing a firmer kiss to his forehead before pulling away. “And I was being an asshole.” 

“I was the asshole, I shouldn’t have exploded like that.” 

“Same here. We’re not perfect, I don’t expect us to be though.” Richie brushed the hair on his forehead away and cupped his face in his hands. “Hey. We’ve got this. Okay?” Richie knew that Eddie would be a good husband and that things would work out. They always found a way back to each other.

Eddie nodded and pulled him in for an actual kiss. It was slow and relaxed, but it had a boost of confidence that had been missing for a while. It was contagious, and Richie’s heart fluttered with each movement of their lips. Eddie felt better, and Richie felt better that he did.

They broke off for air but stayed as close as possible, their breaths mixing in the air between them. “Do you want to order food so we don’t have to move?”

“Later.” Eddie gripped the back of his neck to haul him back in. “I just want to kiss my fiancé.”

Richie laughed against his mouth, more than happy to oblige him. “Are we still not fooling around? Ouch —hey!” 

Eddie flicked his forehead and tugged on his hair a little bit. “If we don’t fool around, you’re sleeping here tonight.” 

“There’s my Eds.” Richie let himself be pushed back against the cushions while Eddie climbed on top of him to settle in his lap. “I missed him.” 

“Shut up.” But he really meant “Never stop talking. Never stop touching me. Never stop being you.” And Richie felt every bit of it.

They both stepped into the large standing shower afterward, swapping gentle kisses and passing the soap back and forth. The hair felt lighter around them, the tension died down and neither of the men felt like they were being suffocated by their feelings anymore. They talked a little bit more during their shower, checking in on each other some more. Eddie apologized again as he was washing Richie’s hair and Richie reassured him that they were both responsible for things getting out of hand. He made sure that Eddie knew Richie didn’t expect them to never slip up.

And although he didn’t want to put added pressure on him, he knew Eddie would be a good husband. So he told him as much. He wanted Eddie to know that even if he was still questioning himself, Richie believed in him like he always did.

Richie had never been in a stable relationship. Hell, he was a former drug and alcohol abuser, his career was extremely nauseating at points, and he nearly lost it all. Yet Eddie had never made him feel less than, or like he’d be a bad husband.In fact, he was the one who proposed! Eddie didn’t judge Richie, so he shouldn’t expect Richie to judge him.

They didn’t bother putting on clothes after their shower. Instead, they settled into bed naked with takeout for dinner while Forensic Files played absently in the background. Richie wasn’t even facing the screen after he finished his food, on his stomach between Eddie’s legs with his head resting on his chest. Eddie was hardly paying the show any attention either, focused on scratching Richie’s head lightly like he was a big puppy. 

His weight was soothing, like a weighted blanket. Things finally felt somewhat back to normal. They both missed the intimacy, the touching, the teasing, and the comfortable silences where they could appreciate each other in peace. Eddie still had thoughts racing in his mind, but he was determined to prevent it from souring the peacefulness. 

“I should try to reach out to people. To my dad’s side at least.” He commented suddenly. “It would be nice to catch up with them I think.” 

Richie tensed around him for a second before settling back on top of him. “Only do it if you want to.” 

Eddie had always had a hard time deciding and doing what he wanted. He was never allowed. “I just don’t want any chance of the wedding being ruined.”

“Eds, literally nothing is going to ruin our wedding.” Richie hugged around him. “All I need is you.” 

Eddie still had fears nudging at the back of his head, but they melted away with Richie’s warm breath on his bare chest. All he needed was him too. “I’ll think about it. It doesn’t have to be at the wedding, but I think you’re right.” He pet his head gently, sensing that he was growing more and more tired. “I want to do better with that stuff.” 

“Do whatever you think is best, sweetheart.” He hummed.

“Kay.” He said quietly, but he didn’t want to think too much right now. He just wanted to be held and relax. He still felt bad for blowing up, and he still had fears, but they ended the night on a good note. It was reassuring that they could argue and Eddie could make mistakes and regardless, Richie was still there to hold him as they watched their show. He felt safe, and more importantly, reassured that neither of them would ever bail. “I love you.” He said softly. He still felt like he didn’t say it enough. But he pledged to himself to say it more, because it was the truth. And Richie deserved to know it.

“I love you too, honey.” He half-yawned, making up for it with a gentle kiss to the scar on his exposed chest. “You’re gonna be such a good husband, I know it.” 

“We’ll see.” Eddie yawned himself, letting his eyes shut for a moment to soak it all in. He had a lot of fears about being a good husband. About being good enough in general, but for Richie especially. But he vowed to work on it and face those fears head on, when the time came.

He never imagined that the time for confronting his fears would come so soon.

***

When Eddie opened his eyes, all he saw was darkness. He could tell that it was unbearably early in the morning and he felt groggy from being roused so suddenly. It took him a minute to realize that he was being shaken slightly, whipping his head to his side. He could just barely make out Richie’s silhouette hovering next to him, jostling him with increasing purpose.

“Eds.” His voice sounded strained and unlike himself. “Eddie, I need you to wake up.”

“Wha?” He blinked through the darkness, trying to get his eyes to adjust. “Rich, what’s wrong?” He reached for him, immediately flinching away when his hand landed on his sweat soaked shirt. He fumbled around the bed to flick on their bedside lamp, all of the air leaving his lungs when the room lit up.

Richie looked like he had the life sucked out of him. His skin was pale and dripping sweat, and he was visibility out of breath. That’s when the sudden smell of vomit emitting from the attached bathroom hit Eddie’s nose and he reached out again to press his hand against his forehead. He was on fire.

“Something’s wrong. I feel—” Richie said, labored. “I think I need to go to the hospital.”

“Let’s go.” Eddie was already falling out of bed by the end of the sentence, quickly throwing on whatever pants and shirt he could find. “Richie, c’mon we have to go now.”

“I’m sorry.” He whimpered, clutching at his stomach. 

“Don’t.” Eddie shook his head, grabbing his arm to usher him out of the room. “It’s okay. You’re okay.” He repeated for his own sake more than Richie’s as he quickly grabbed his keys and hurried to the car. 

Eddie knew where the nearest hospital was, he had to. He needed to know several places that he could go if he had any complications with his injuries after leaving Maine. He set off for the nearest one, quickly. Richie was mostly silent in the passenger seat aside from a few low groans and the occasional gagging noise.

Eddie was petrified, his hands shaking as his mind went through the what ifs and worse-case scenarios. Fear turned his racing blood cold and he had to focus hard on not veering off the road. Thankfully he was able to speed to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center quickly and without getting pulled over. He was still shaking when he kicked his door open and circled around the passenger side. He could hardly walk properly, his legs completely numb, but he pulled it together for Richie. He helped him out of the car and let him lean on him despite feeling faint himself, and they made a beeline for the emergency doors. 

It didn’t seem packed at such an hour, which should’ve worked in their favor, but when they got to the front desk, the lady didn’t even look up at them. “Excuse me, I need help.” Eddie didn’t even recognize the sound of his own voice. He tapped his foot anxiously as she continued typing nonchalantly. “He’s really not well—”

“One moment sir.”

Eddie adjusted the arm he had around Richie to hold him up so he could slam his other hand onto the desk. “Hey!” He screamed, visibly startling her. Under any other circumstances he would’ve felt bad for the volume and tone of his voice, but it worked in getting her attention.

“Sir I need you to—” Her face went from looking annoyed and slightly offended to alarmed when she finally looked up, standing up immediately. “I need a nurse!” Her reaction was more than justified. 

Richie looked like a zombie. He was unsteady on his feet, putting most of his waist on Eddie and he was drenched in sweat, his clothing sticking to his sickly pale skin with his glasses almost sliding all the way off of his nose. “Eds—”

“Shh, you’re okay. We’re gonna get you looked at.” Eddie rubbed his damp back and followed the woman into the hall where a rolling bed was being set up. 

“We’ve got him from here.” A nurse gave him a smile to cover the panic in her eyes and helped him rest Richie down onto the bed. He was propped up in an inclined sitting position, looking a little relieved once he was off of his feet. “Sir, you need to wait here.”

“What?” Eddie blinked at her as a few more staff swarmed around Richie and nudged him out of the way. “No, I have to go with him.”

“I’m sorry, but we aren’t permitted to let you go with him just yet.” She gave the other nurses a nod, and they began to wheel him off. “We’ll get you as soon as he’s examined and we know what we’re dealing with—”

“Wait! Wait, please just wait.” He pushed past her despite her attempt to block off the hallway, jogging to catch up to the group. “Richie, hey, Rich.” He squeezed his way in to reach him, ignoring their protests. “Sweetheart, I’ll see you soon, okay? I love you.” He leaned in to press a hurried kiss to his lips before he was forced back out of the circle, but not before he caught a glimpse of Richie’s weak smile.

It was all he got before he was taken away from him, and Eddie was alone. 

After they disappeared from sight completely, Eddie felt a horde of dread and anxiety eating at him. He didn’t want to be alone. He couldn’t fathom losing Richie, not again. Not his Richie, please.

“Please, please.” He begged the universe and whoever would listen to not take Richie away from him, not after everything. Not before their wedding, not before they lived out the rest of their lives together. He silently promised that he would do anything , he would never complain again and never take having Richie by his side for granted. But what if it was too late for promises?

He felt the woman from the desk reach out to grab his arm but he quickly flinched away. His hearing cut out and things started moving in slow motion. People were trying to talk to him but all he could do was push them away and tug at his collar in an attempt to get some air. He knew he needed to calm down, for his and Richie’s sake. But he hadn’t been in a hospital since Derry, since he almost died. 

Was Richie going to die? Was it Eddie’s fault? Would this have happened if he wasn’t such a burden of stress on others?

It looked like the hallway was spinning. The lights were blinding, the beeping was far too loud, the walls were closing in and they were probably riddled with disease. He avoided concerned staff for as long as he could before he had himself cornered. 

“Sir.” He could still barely hear the woman speaking to him. “You need to calm down, you’re having a panic attack.”

No fucking shit he wanted to shout at her, but he could only frantically nod in acknowledgement. 

“I can get you to a more private area so you can relax and we can get some information from you afterwards.” She looked relieved that he was now cooperating. “How does that sound?”

Eddie still couldn’t breathe. He knew he was getting air, but it felt like he couldn’t do anything but nod again. She helped him up from the floor against the wall where he didn’t even remember collapsing. He knew he needed to snap himself out of it, and the promise of a private space definitely helped. He told himself that he needed to be strong for Richie.

She led him to a sectioned off area of the hallway behind a corner. It looked like the spot where janitor equipment was kept, but it would have to do for now. He steadied himself against the wall to alleviate some of his weight off of his weak legs. Being in a more quiet area did help him calm down, but he still felt horrible. He took a few deep breaths and reached for his phone, but as if things couldn’t get any worse, he realized that he’d left it in the car. 

He knew that he needed to make some calls despite the early hour, so he quickly gathered himself and made his way back to the waiting room with purpose. He received some odd looks from the other staff in the emergency room lobby as he broke out into the dark and empty parking lot. It was eerie, but the fresh air made it so much easier for him to calm down and breathe. His hands were still shaking and his feet were still unsteady, but he managed to make it back to the car and retrieve his phone. 

He debated making his calls outside, where it felt safer and where he felt like he could breathe. It would be so easy to avoid going back in, but he knew he couldn’t leave Richie in there alone. He made a promise to never do that. He sucked in a few more breaths of the fresh air before locking the car behind him and heading back toward the hospital doors. 

The woman at the front desk was waiting for him with a clipboard in hand as he made his way back inside. “Take your time, we just need some information.” 

He took it from her and went back to his isolated corner of the hallway. Richie’s name was already on it, and he took a quick glance at the questions before tossing it to the side in favor of nervously searching his contact list. His hands were still shaking when they finally found the number he was looking for and raised the phone up to his ear. The line rang several times, which was understandable. Part of Eddie felt terrible for calling so early, but he felt obligated to let the important people in their lives know what was going on. 

He shouldn’t have been surprised that the phone rang over and over, but by some stroke of luck, Maggie Tozier picked up on the last ring. “Eddie?” Her voice was a mixture of tired, confused, and a tad bit worried. Rightfully so for the time.

“Hi Maggie.” He stuttered out the breath he was unknowingly holding in. “I’m really sorry for calling so early.”

“It’s alright, doll.” The sound of her breathing bounced over the line for a brief moment. “Is everything alright?” Another pause. “Are you both okay?”

Eddie sucked in a breath. “I—we had to go to the hospital. Richie woke up feeling really sick. I don’t know anything yet, no one is telling me anything.” He knocked his head against the hallway wall. “Fuck, I’m sorry.”

“Stay calm, sweetie.” She said softly, but Eddie could hear the tinge of worry in her voice. “I’m sure you’ll hear from them soon, please don’t make yourself sick over it.”

“I’m sorry.” He said again. “I shouldn’t have called like this, I’m sorry for worrying you.”

“Don’t apologise, I’m glad you called.” She sounded exhausted, the poor woman. “I want you to keep me updated, please. I need you to believe that everything will be okay, but if things get worse, Wentworth and I will fly over there as soon as we can.”

“Okay.” He sniffled. “I’ll let you know what they say.”

“Good, I’ll keep my ringer on.” She sounded slightly relieved, and so did Eddie. At least a little bit. “Eddie? Is there anyone who can be there for you right now?”

“It’s too early to bother anyone else.” He sighed, shaking his head. “I feel bad enough waking you up.”

“I doubt they’d mind, hun.” She laughed lightly. “I’ll let you go for now. You call me when you find out anything, alright?”

“Yeah.” He nodded to himself. “Thank you, Maggie.”

“Love you, son.” She hummed. “For Christ’s sake, though. Call someone so you aren’t alone. I feel terrible that I can’t be there in person.”

“Me too.” He laughed. “I’ll call someone, I promise.”

He didn’t call anyone right away. He hoped that someone would come get him after his call, but everyone who walked by had nothing to report. He filled out all of the information and turned in the clipboard he was given, but it didn’t seem to make a difference. He even stopped one of the nurses who helped wheel Richie away, but they didn’t have any updates either. He was frustrated, and he was still riddled with anxiety. He wanted to leave and just go home. The hospital brought back bad memories, but he knew he couldn’t bear to leave without Richie. Home wasn’t home without him anyway.

“Eddie?” He didn’t expect to hear Ben’s voice after calling Beverly’s cell, but it was immediately soothing. 

“Ben, hi.” He bit down on the side of his cheek. “Sorry for calling so early. Listen, I’m at the hospital with Richie. He seems really sick and I’m waiting here alone. I know it’s a lot to ask but—”

“Which hospital?”

“Cedars-Sinai—” 

“We’ll be there in a few, sit tight.”

Eddie was waiting for more than a few minutes after he hung up. He tried to stay hopeful that someone would eventually tell him what was happening, and even take him to see Richie. But he was only alerted that the doctor had seen him and tests were being run. That didn’t exactly make him feel any less worried. It was a relief knowing that Ben and Beverly were on their way, but he didn’t anticipate the surprise that they’d bring with them. 

“Eddie!” Beverly headed straight towards him with open arms, with Ben and Bill and Mike following closely behind her. The lady at the front desk opened her mouth to say something, but seemingly decided to allow them to enter the hallway. They gathered into the space corner anyway, not worth reprimanding them for. Plus, poor Eddie had been through enough. 

“You all didn’t have to come.” His smile was watery as Beverly wrapped both arms around him in a tight hug. 

“We didn’t want you to be alone.” She said, quiet. The rest of them nodded, and Eddie had never felt so thankful that the people who loved him lived so close by. Stan and Patty, although they couldn’t be physically close, stayed on the phone and reassured him that Richie would be fine. And who better than to give him a pep talk full of comfort and reason. 

Ben and Beverly sat on either side of him against the wall, making him feel safely surrounded. Bill stopped the nurses every so often to ask for an update, and Mike got him water and offered him his jacket. Eddie felt invincible with them around him, like they could conquer anything together. He was so grateful for their presence that his chest ached.

Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime of waiting, a nurse stopped at their small corner. “Are you folks here for Mr. Tozier?”

Eddie winced at how loud his knees cracked when he shot up abruptly, nodding his head frantically. “Yes, is everything okay?”

“His doctor will see you now.” She nodded, but an apologetic look filled her face. “But I’m sorry to say that visiting hours are over.”

“Fuck, I’m sorry—” He turned to the group, but was immediately pushed towards the nurse who was waiting to lead him to Richie.

“Go, keep us updated.” Bill said, and the rest nodded.

Eddie wanted to hug each and every one of them and tell them how much he loved them, but it could wait. Every cell in his body vibrated with the need to see his fiancé. So after sharing a knowing glance with the group and a sincere “thank you,” he turned and followed the nurse. The doctor was standing outside of a closed door just around the corner from where Eddie was waiting, holding a clipboard and an unreadable look on his face. Eddie felt his legs go numb again when he looked up at him, but he steadied himself against the wall.

“Are you the fiancé?”

“Yes.” Eddie swallowed. “Is he—”

“Mr. Tozier will need to stay the night so he can be monitored. He is very dehydrated.” He said bluntly. “But he will make a full recovery. Now we’ll just need some of your information Mr…”

“Kaspbrak.” For the first time since before they had gone to bed, Eddie felt like he could breath properly. “What’s wrong with him?”

“Gastroenteritis.” He raised his eyebrows at the incredulous look that he received. “Stomach flu, Mr. Kaspbrak. Likely food poisoning.” 

“What— I know what Gastroenteritis is.” Eddie blinked at him. “Are you sure?” 

“According to blood work and other scans, he’s free of any other diseases or ulcers. His condition is not contagious, but he’ll be hurting for the next day or two. It’s not a pretty diagnosis, but it’s temporary and easily managed. Keeping him hydrated will be key.” 

“Thank fuck.” He breathed. “Can I see him?” 

“Of course. I’m writing a prescription for antibiotics to kill whatever is left there, and probiotics to replenish healthy gut bacteria. He’ll need to stay hydrated, that’s very important.” He gestured to the door behind him. “We’ll leave you be for tonight, but ring for a nurse if he begins to vomit or feel faint. The nurses will give you paperwork tomorrow when he is discharged.”

“Thank you, thank you.” He said, clasping his two hands together and offering a little head bow before stepping past him to enter the room. He closed the door behind him, relieved to have privacy.

“Can you be any louder?” Richie groaned from his bed. “A guy’s tryna nap over here.”

Eddie turned to him and shuddered out a laugh. His voice was hoarse, probably from throwing up. He looked a lot better, probably thanks to the fluids coursing through the IV in his arm, but he also still looked like shit. He still looked pale against the blue hospital gown, and the dark circles under his eyes were made clearer by the light from the machines around them. 

“You don’t get to nap peacefully after what I just went through.” Eddie drummed his fingers against his own leg as he made his way to the chair next to the bed. “Food poisoning. Fucking food poisoning. You’re lucky you’re not contagious.”

“You didn’t know that it wasn’t contagious, and you still kissed me.” Richie’s tired face split into a smug grin. “You dog, Eds.”

“I love you, asshole.” Eddie hitched, grabbing his hand tightly. “And you scared the fuck out of me.” 

“Sorry, babe.” He puckered his lips, squeezing back. “You did warn me about the sketchy fish tacos.” 

“I can’t fucking believe you, you’re the worst.” Eddie tilted his head up to the ceiling and let out a strangled laugh. “I thought you had a disease or a fucking parasite or something.” 

“Baby, I am the parasite.” 

“Uh huh, and luckily for me nothing gets rid of you.” He laughed again, harder. They both laughed together, giggles turning into barks of laughter. And that suddenly turned into Eddie bawling, tears pouring out of his eyes and down his flushed cheeks. “I was so fucking scared.” He hiccuped, letting his head drop down as he shook in his seat.

Richie became worried by the sudden shift from laughter to pained sobs, sitting up more in his bed. “Hey, it’s okay.” He cooed, grabbing at his fiancé’s other hand while he hiccuped in his chair. “You did so good, sweetheart, I’m so proud of you. You did everything right, don’t be upset.” He let him cry a little bit more before reaching to wipe the tears from his face. Luckily, he was calming down, feeling relieved even to let all of the emotions out that he had been withholding. “You came here and stayed and you took care of me. I could’ve had ebola for all you knew and you were still right here.” 

“You didn’t have symptoms of Ebola, stupid.” Eddie sniffled, a watery smile blooming on his face. 

“There’s my Eds.” 

Careful of the IV, Eddie crawled into the tiny bed with him. He didn’t care if they would be yelled at, and he didn’t care that he hardly fit. He texted the Losers group chat and Richie’s parents to update them before he shut his phone. They didn’t say anything else, they just held each other. And that was more than fine. Eddie was perfectly content with his head on Richie’s chest, listening to his heartbeat and the soothing sound of him breathing.

Eddie didn’t let Richie out of his sight while he was being discharged in the morning. Even after getting some sleep, he was still shaken up but he swore that he was fine to drive. As if they couldn’t catch a break, vigilant paparazzi were waiting for them in the parking lot, but they at least had the decency to keep their distance. But not the decency to avoid shouting questions at them.

The men ignored the shouting and camera flashes as Eddie dumped Richie into the passenger seat, buckling his seatbelt for him before slipping into the driver's seat. “There’s gonna be so much coverage of my knight in shining armour.” Richie laughed lightly. “Edward Kaspbrak, my hero.”

“Finally, the recognition I deserve.” Eddie huffed, peeling out of the parking lot and flipping off the cameras as he passed. 

Richie still looked disheveled and sickly when they got home, but at least he could relax in comfort. Eddie ran him a bath while they updated their friends and family again, and Richie convinced him to sit in it with him. Eddie, not surprisingly, gave in fairly easily. 

“We’re lucky you know.” Richie hummed as Eddie massaged shampoo into his hair from behind him. “This could’ve happened on our wedding night.”

“Oh, trust me.” He snorted. “You’re not having sketchy fish tacos on our wedding night.”

“Oh yeah? You don’t have a contingency plan for that scenario just in case?”

“I’m not so worried anymore. Like, about all of the details.” He said calmly. “All I need is you there. And it’ll be okay.” He felt more confident as he spoke about it, feeling silly about ever letting his worries get the best of him. None of that mattered anymore, and the worries that had been consuming him now felt so distant from his mind.

“Hmm, so you don’t care about me projectile vomiting all over our fancy reception hall if it means that I’m still there?”

“Correct.” He hummed, pouring a cup of water over his head to wash out the shampoo. “We could also just get married on Ben’s farm in Nebraska, or in a courthouse for all I care.”

“Nebraska can be our honeymoon.” Richie suggested jokingly to fill the silence, slightly caught off guard by how easily Eddie was talking about the wedding. “You okay?”

“I’m supposed to be asking you that.” He chuckled softly, hugging him from behind. “But yeah, I’m okay.” And he truly meant it. After so long of feeling like he wasn’t okay, the revelation was so freeing and wonderful. He wanted to drown in the warmth forever, finally feeling at peace with his anxiety. “I think this whole time I’ve just been trying to prove something that doesn’t need to be proved. You know?” 

Richie did know, he knew better than anyone. He knew exactly what it was like to desperately try to prove something to himself for so long, only to realize that it was only hurting him and holding him back. “You don’t have anything to prove, Eds.” He agreed. “I’m really proud of you.”

Those butterflies came back again, filling his chest and stomach with beautiful and warm little flutters. Eddie wanted to trap them and never let them go. “Thank you.” He murmured, kissing Richie’s shoulder lightly before refilling his cup again.

After their rejuvenating bath, Eddie set him up on the couch so that they could spend the rest of the day continuing to recuperate from the early morning events. “Look at you go Dr. K.” Richie smiled as Eddie helped him prop his feet up.

It had been a while since Eddie had heard that nickname, and when he turned back to him it was like he could see the younger Trashmouth, the one Eddie loved even when they were kids. His best friend, his other half. “Will you drink the tea please?” He shot him a crooked smile, offering him the steaming mug.

“Eddie, baby, I love you.” He fluttered his eyelashes at him. “But that ginger tea is fucking putrid and you know it.” 

“Fine, eat your crackers.” He sighed, setting the mug back down onto the coffee table. “And in an hour and a half I’ll get you some more medicine. By then, I want this water bottle finished completely. Hydration is super important. If you hold that and the crackers down then we’ll try a banana— what!?” He snapped, noticing the smug smile curling on his fiancé’s face. 

“See, I told you you’d be a good husband.” 

This man, the one that Eddie wanted to spend every waking moment with for the rest of his life, was going to be the death of him. A blissful, very much welcomed way to go. That was if Eddie didn’t strangle him first. He knew Richie didn’t scare him on purpose, but Eddie wanted to smack the smirk right off of his still pale face. Richie would be the one to get horribly ill in the name of proving a point, but Eddie knew better than to speculate. They were both going to be good husbands, through all of the hardships. Whether those be another demon space clown, domestic arguments, or sketchy fish tacos: they could handle it together.

Eddie just shook his head and puffed out a laugh, looking down at his hands to hide the growing blush on his face. “We’ll see.” He hummed, fondly brushing the gold band on his finger. He couldn’t fucking wait.