Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

The first time it happened, Yeonjun almost didn’t even notice, and even when he did, he didn’t think twice about it.

The loud thud of the bass rumbled within his rib-cage on the last count before fading into a silence broken only with the sound of his panting breath. He held the final pose for another moment longer even as sweat rolled down and stung his eyes, his gaze sweeping along every line of his body in the mirror.

He scrutinized his form with a hint of satisfaction as the subtle twist he’d decided to try with his left shoulder slightly enhanced the curve of his neck.

He breathed slowly to calm his still racing heart as he checked the angle of his legs. From the corner of his eye he thought he saw something move and he blinked back more sweat as he looked up to see that his shoulder was back in the original posture. He could have sworn he hadn’t moved a muscle. Above him the lights buzzed.

He shook his sweaty bangs out of his eyes and looked again, sure the movement had just been hair in his eye. It looked just how he had wanted it and with a loud exhale he dropped the pose. If he was starting to see things wrong, he really needed to call it quits for the night. The wall clock showed it was well past 11pm and while he wanted to run through one more time to really cement it in his muscle memory, he turned instead to find his towel and water.

Now that the room was quiet he began to feel how tired he actually was, and he draped the towel around the back of his neck with a weary sigh. He knew that he needed to rest if he were to stay on top of things the following day, but he really wasn’t quite satisfied yet.

He ran one hand through his wet hair to get it off his forehead, absently checking his phone to see a message from Soobin.

Soobunnie: It’s almost 12, Yeonderella, when are you coming?

Yeonjun smiled as he turned off the light and made his way to the staff room to find a ride home, fingers busy on the screen in reply.

CYJ: Go to bed already, Prince Eric.

He stuck his head in the door of the break room and one of the hyungs lounging on his phone looked up at him questioningly. Yeonjun brought his palms together and bobbed an apologetic bow, grinning as the man nodded jovially and heaved himself off the sofa.

Yeonjun would have felt bad about lingering after hours if it weren’t for the fact that the company was nearly open 24/7. There was always someone around working on something, socializing, or just hanging out. He loved how he felt so comfortable here, like he was a part of something bigger when so much of the world was off limits now that he was 1. an idol, and 2. fucking covid. This place felt like a home away from home, and it was one reason among many that he ended up staying later than he meant to time and again.

By the time he climbed into the car, there were three messages waiting for him.

Soobunnie: It’s Prince Charming, babo-yah.

Soobunnie: Unless you’re our Little Mermaid Moa.

The time stamp on the third was from only one minute ago, and it turned out to be a selfie of Soobin’s face halfway buried in a pillow with an exaggerated pout on his face. Yeonjun’s eyes lingered on his lips which were just so...red, even with the dim lighting of the photo. It was almost second nature by now to tap the save button and download the image to his phone, and he looked at it for one heartbeat longer before opening his own camera to selfie Soobin back.

By the time he finally walked into their quiet dorm to see Soobin curled up in their living room lit only by the tv and hugging a pillow to his chest, it felt as if they had just rode home together instead of not seen each for at least five or six hours.

“Uhg, finally,” Soobin complained, as if he hadn’t just spent the last twenty minutes in an increasingly ridiculous selfie war with Yeonjun.

And yes, he had saved every single one of those, too. They were only for him, and he couldn’t help but feel a little possessive over this little bit of Soobin that he got to keep all to himself.

Yeonjun waved at him and pointed towards the bathroom. “Shower,” he said as he walked passed.

Soobin pushed himself up to sitting and called him back with a quiet, “Hang on, hyung.”

By the look on his face, Yeonjun knew he was going to get on him again about coming home so late. He crossed his arms and gave him an indulgent look.

“Don’t give me that face,” Soobin rolled his eyes. “It’s time to do another 10x10, okay?” He was talking about the rule where Yeonjun had to be home by 10pm for ten days in a row.

Yeonjun rolled his eyes back while shaking his head, even as he raised both palms up in a placating gesture. “Fine, okay. Now just go to bed, wont you? You don’t need to wait up for me.”

Soobin just looked at him quietly, the playfulness on his face changing into something soft and serious. “Yes, I do,” he murmured, and Yeonjun looked away, running a hand up through his bangs before shaking them right back into his eyes.

“I’ll be better. Sorry,” he offered, and Soobin nodded before breaking into a jaw-cracking yawn.

He got up and made his way towards the bedrooms, nudging Yeonjun with his shoulder as he passed. “Stop keeping me up all night,” he grumbled. “You’re the reason why I can’t wake up in the morning.”

Yeonjun raised one eyebrow at him before he playfully lowered his voice into something sultry, “Oh, freally?” He gave him an air smooch. “My baby.”

Soobin laughed and slapped him sharply on the arm. “Goodnight, hyung.”

Yeonjun watched him walk down the hall, his eyes inevitably dropping down to admire the way those thin sleep pants clung to his long, long legs.

“Night,” he called back softly, wishing he had come home earlier if only to have spent more time with Soobin.

He knew he had a hopeless crush. Had for quite some time now. It was really obvious to anyone who knew them properly, or at all really, that somewhere over the years the fanservice had morphed into something less staged and into something more real.

He really needed to be more careful, but it was hard when he naturally craved closeness and physical touch with people, and found himself gravitating to anyone who was even slightly receptive. Or even if they weren’t, actually.

He had been trying to divide up his attentions among the other members more equally, because he loved them, too, but he always came back to Soobin like a magnet.

He just loved Soobin a little more.

It was hard not to when the other was just so...soft and adorable, the sweetest, and especially now that he had become so used to it that he’d just accept his touch or reciprocate rather than cringe away awkwardly. God. He needed to stop thinking about Soobin already and get ready for bed.

The next morning came much too quickly, and Yeonjun had to suffer through a whole morning of Beomgyu calling him Yeonderella, before they finally made it to work and he could escape into the production room.

Soobin must have had a chat with the other members at some point, because they were all overbearingly on his case for the next few days. He gave in and went home when they did more than once, and he had to admit he did feel a little more energetic after getting substantially more sleep for more than one day in a row.

Even so, he couldn’t ignore the itch to get back to work properly on his own time, to run through song after song, to try out old choreography or check the latest new dances, to just keep moving, keep dancing, keep perfecting.

It always grew and grew until it became an overwhelming urge he could never, ever satiate.

It frustrated him to no end, but he couldn’t help it. If he didn’t feel like he was working hard enough the anxiety would start to suffocate him, and he would try to appease the feeling in some other manner. Lately he’d been stricter with his diet, and that made him feel a little more in control of himself, but of course his friends would get on his case about that, too.

He resented it when they held him back like this saying it was for his own good, and he couldn’t help the way he would start to become short with them, pushing everyone a little more during the day to try and fill that gaping chasm within himself to just do...more. To be even better.

He hated this about himself even more than he chafed at their mothering, because more often than not he would end up pushing just a little too far. One of them would look genuinely hurt, or else explode on him, and he would feel like the worst trash to ever walk the earth.

It had barely been a full week before he inevitably ended up pushing that little bit too far, and Beomgyu had just stopped in the middle of a run-through with an aggravated groan before giving him a flinty glare and slamming out of the practice room without a parting word.

Yeonjun dropped his head into his hands, raking his fingers fiercely through his hair and sighing in defeat. He already regretted it. Why couldn’t he just keep his mouth closed and focus only on himself?

“Okay, let’s take a break.” Soobin sighed, and Yeonjun tried not to feel hurt when both Taehyun and Kai immediately made their way out of the room without looking at him.

It was all his fault in the first place, but he still hated it when people were upset with him.

He knew it was hard to be in a room with him when he was like this, and he hoped that they knew just how much he cared about them and relied on them. It was all his own stupid hang-ups that got him worked up like this, and he honestly didn’t know how to stop himself when he was all filled up to the brim with that stifling crush of inadequacy. He tried to breathe slowly through the sudden rush of stress, his eyes looking to Soobin for some sort of answer.

Soobin walked over to the sofa and sat down, leaning back to rest his head on the wall. Yeonjun watched him quietly, his heart clenching to see the unhappy moue of his lips and the small crease between his brows. He really needed to stop. He had promised he’d be better and he really, really wanted to. But now, he just wanted to make sure that they didn’t stay mad with him.

Plopping down beside the younger, he grabbed Soobin’s head with both hands and pulled it down to rest in his lap. Soobin fell against him easily, looking up at him with questioning eyes, and Yeonjun’s lips twisted self-consciously, his fingers moving without thought to fumble and tug on Soobin’s ear.

“Sorry,” he said, his cheeks feeling a little warm.

Dimples popped into sight, and the tight ugly feeling clogging his chest loosened slightly. God, he would do anything for this boy.

“Tell that to the others and we’ll be golden,” Soobin said, and Yeonjun nodded earnestly, feeling both relieved and suitably chastised.

They were always so quick to forgive him, and deep down he knew he didn’t deserve it. He would do better by them, he promised to remind himself each day.

“Yes, sir.”

Soobin’s gaze lingered on his face a moment before he smiled again and turned his head to snuggle against Yeonjun’s thigh. Yeonjun tugged on his earlobe fondly, leaning back into the couch and letting out a long slow breath.

“You can stay late, hyung. I’m not Jisoo-hyung so I really can’t stop you,” Soobin mumbled and Yeonjun knew Soobin really wished he wouldn’t, but he couldn’t resist when something he wanted was offered to him like this. He had offered first, so he couldn't be mad at him later over it.

“I wont stay too late, promise,” he accepted quickly, and Soobin chuckled quietly.

“I’ll be waiting for you, so you better not.”

Yeonjun trailed his gaze over the shape of the ear between his fingers, along the curve of his cheek and then up to the faint shine of Soobin’s thick black hair. He was just about to ask if Soobin would like to stay back with him, when the door opened and the others came back in.

Kai took one look at their position on the couch before he was suddenly squealing and bounding across the room to squeeze his huge lanky frame into the small space by Yeonjun’s other side.

“Pet me too, hyung!” he whined and Yeonjun reached out to crush him into a headlock instead.

He couldn’t stop laughing along with Kai’s infectious guffaw, and then someone was tickling him and he was trying to fend off what seemed like twenty pairs of hands.

“I’m sorry, please forgive me!” he gasped between his laughter.

“Serves you right, you big bully.” Beomgyu pouted at him, but his lips quirked up into a smile, and Yeonjun knew he was forgiven.

He avoided the soft gaze and cleared his throat slightly. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Kai said easily while Taehyun gave him a little thumbs-up.

The blooming warmth in his chest was so sudden and strong, that Yeonjun felt he might burst with the feelings these boys gave him. He closed his eyes and leaned into their freely given affection, breathing in the quiet comfort of the moment until Beomgyu decided that Yeonjun owed them all ice cream and then the room was again filled with squabbling and laughter.

It wasn’t until a few hours later that he was finally left alone in the practice room at last.

He was so eager for this time alone that he ended up skipping dinner and diving right into working through all of their discography just to move his body and turn off his stupid brain. There were no thoughts in his head while he danced like this, the music filling him up and his body responding easily to each cue, flowing from one move to the next, and he felt so strong, so alive and free.

There was nothing else that made him feel so much himself as when he was dancing.

His phone dinged with new massages and Yeonjun ignored it until he had finished the song he was working on. He had expected something from one of his members as he saw it was already almost nine, but instead found a request for some help from one of their hoobae. He needed a bit of a water break anyway, so Yeonjun grabbed a towel and left the room to go find him.

By the time they finished working through the choreography and said their goodbye’s Yeonjun glanced at his phone to see that over an hour had passed. There was a selfie shot from Beomgyu with the other three in the background, and he could see the card game spread between them on the table. His heart panged slightly as he suddenly wished he was home with them playing games and having fun, but his body still didn’t feel tired enough. He still had more energy to burn, and he really needed to practice that one sequence again if he really wanted to be able to do it without thinking…

He sent back a silly emoji before powering off his phone and tossing it to the side. It wasn’t that late, yet, he would just do a little more.

Yeonjun danced and danced, losing himself once more in the music and the flow of his body. He was dripping sweat, and he loved the burn in his muscles, the sting of each breath in his chest.

Now he felt like he was working hard.

He had snagged one of Beomgyu’s headbands to keep his floppy bangs out of his eyes, and his hair stood up like antennae but he really didn’t care. He paused between tracks, still moving to stay warm before the light suddenly buzzed and flickered above him.

He glanced up at it before his eyes passed over his reflection to look at the wall clock in the mirror. Before he could figure out what time the backwards image indicated, he did a double take on himself as his brain noticed a moment later that his bangs were now hanging down to cover his eyes.

One hand rose up to pat his bare forehead and the headband there in confusion before he froze and stared at his reflection in consternation.

The reflection of his arm had not moved when he did, and as he blinked and peered at himself a little more closely, the lights flickered and one half of a single bank went dark.

He winced as his head suddenly twinged sharply right at the base of his skull, his hand moving back to gently massage the spot while he couldn’t take his eyes off his reflection which was literally frozen in place. “What the-”

He broke off as between one blink and the next his reflection suddenly moved and lifted its head to look right back at him.

He stared at himself in shock, the ache in his head spiking as he noticed the dark circles shadowing his eyes like makeup while the rest of his face was an ugly chalk white. Another light bulb went dark with a soft pop, and Yeonjun quickly pressed the fingers of both hands into his eyes to try and push away the sudden headache as well as try and relieve the sudden wave of exhaustion that crashed over him all in one moment.

He breathed in shakily and forced the air out through his mouth in a loud huff. When he tentatively lowered his hands to his mouth and fluttered his eyes back open, the lights were all back on and his reflection was perfectly normal and just himself again. He stared at himself for a long moment, unsure of what he had just thought he’d seen, of what his tired brain had imagined into existence.

The sharp pain in his head had receded into a faint echo, but he still felt like if he shook his head too hard it would flare right back up. He carefully turned away from the mirror to drink some water and frowned as the clock on the wall showed 2am. That couldn’t be right. He grabbed his phone and gulped a whole bottle of water as he waited for it to power on.

It really was two in the morning and he groaned as he finally began to register just how weak he felt. His muscles were trembling slightly, and he sank bonelessly into the couch. He hadn’t listened to his body again, ignoring any sign of fatigue, and now he was really going to regret it. No wonder he was seeing things move, he was completely drained.

He saw the notifications for missed messages, but he knew who they were from and what they’d probably say. Choosing to ignore them, he quickly climbed back to his feet or else he knew he’d probably fall asleep right there on the practice room sofa, and that would not bode well for anyone the next morning. Later this morning. Damn.

The hallway outside the room was dim, only lit by the glowing green emergency sign above the door to the staircase, and Yeonjun frowned as he made his way through an eerily silent building. Had everyone really left? No one had stopped by to check why the lights were still on or to tell him to go home. This had never happened before, and Yeonjun pushed away the stupid twinge of hurt at being overlooked as he tiredly made his way out into the deserted lobby. He would just have to catch a cab and try to act like he hadn’t stayed out almost all night when everyone got up later.

He lingered in the dark lobby as he waited for the call taxi, absently alternating from looking at his dim reflection in the glass of the door to staring out at the dark street.

He ran his hand through his hair again, tugging gently then pausing as his focus shifted from the empty street and back to his hazy reflection. His hand was clearly still buried in his hair, but in the window his arm had fallen back down to his side, his head slowly tilting the other direction before his whole body staggered forward.

Yeonjun took a reflexive step back in surprise, blinking hard, but when he looked again it was to see himself just as he was.

Feeling unnerved, Yeonjun shoved out the door and out into the chilly night air. He really, really needed to sleep if his tired brain was conjuring images of him exhausted and fainting. The sight of himself nearly collapsing like that honestly freaked him out, and he rubbed at his eyes again, trying to clear the fog in his head.

He had to crack open the window of the taxi on the way home to try and keep himself from falling asleep and he reluctantly considered doing another 10x10 starting today...or maybe an 11x10 wouldn’t hurt. He guiltily checked the messages from Soobin that had stopped at 10:30 last night, and promised he’d fake sunshine like his life depended on it tomorrow no matter how shattered he felt. He didn’t want to disappoint Soobin again so soon.

For the next week or so, Yeonjun forced himself to slow down and pace himself. He did stay late like usual, but was proud of himself for cutting it back to nine most days. On the day he decided to go home together with everyone else at six, Soobin failed spectacularly from hiding his pleasure in response, slinging an arm around his shoulders and nuzzling the top of his head into his cheek like a puppy. Yeonjun’s heart skipped a beat and he felt warm, pretending to cringe in horror when Soobin lifted his head and licked his ear playfully. He was all big laughter and dimpled smiles, and Yeonjun couldn’t keep his hands off of him on the ride home.

He didn’t see any more strange visions of himself looking half-dead, and so he carefully filed away the knowledge that pushing himself too hard seemed to lead to headaches and hallucinations.

It was good to know his true limits and since it had only been the one time, he decided not to worry about it.

That was until they had their next monthly check-in with their CEO, Bang Shihyuk PD-nim, and he laid out all the details of their first comeback of the year. They left his office with the tickle of excitement running through them like electricity, bouncing off each other and unable to dampen their smiles.

Yeonjun grabbed Soobin around the waist with one arm, spinning them around once to make the taller boy giggle, before he cuddled him into the corner of the elevator on the way down to go for lunch. The small space filled with Beomgyu’s stupid loud jokes and Taehyun’s playfully cutting remarks, while Kai just watched them with a silly smile, bouncing slightly on his toes.

Their schedule began to fill up quickly and they were swept into filming concept trailers and new album photo-shoots day after day. There was learning and practicing their new songs and then recording them, one after another. There was the new choreography and day after day of working on it all together until they could move around each other as easily and seamlessly as breathing. He fiercely loved them like this. Like they were one unit that could just know what to do and where to be, that could understand each other without words and move as if extensions of each other.

This was why they were here together, working on their dream, this is what he lived for.

There were salon visits and costume fittings, and a sprinkle of recordings for variety shows. There was only a week or so until the album dropped and then they would start recording on stage for each of the music broadcasting stations.

Even without the presence of live fans watching their every move and screaming encouragement and approval, it was still a thrill to be up there with the lights on them, with their music blasting loud and all the cameras lit and recording. Yeonjun always felt like he was on top of the world when he was performing, and he honestly couldn’t be happier.

Yeonjun thrived on the constant flow of activity and work. He felt properly tired each day and was easily able to forgo any extra practice time as those obsessive bouts of training usually hit him when they were off season or between projects. He thought he was sleeping a little better than before their schedule filled up, and the overall feeling of content camaraderie between him and the members was like a comfy blanket wrapping him up and keeping him safe.

Everything was going great, so when the others left the practice room for a moment to take a bathroom break and Yeonjun was left alone to idly sway his body lazily through 0x1 another time, he was taken completely off guard when a sudden stab of pain cut through his head out of nowhere.

Yeonjun froze mid-movement, wincing, the blood suddenly rushing to his head while the lights flickered around him for a long horrible moment.

He knew it was obviously nothing but a headache, but he couldn’t stop himself from turning to look at the mirror almost on reflex, one hand lifting to grab his aching head.

The sight of his reflection still moving through the choreography made his eyes nearly bug from his head.

He shook his head slowly his body feeling strangely hot, his eyes glued to the reflection while a strange ringing sound filled his ears. The lights were flashing wildly, and the quick patterns of light and dark made it hard to see clearly. His heart began to race as he squinted through the pain, waiting for the episode to stop. His breath was catching in his chest, and Yeonjun took a step backwards as the lights suddenly snapped fully back on and his reflection stumbled over that one turn he’d been extra careful to try and perfect.

The image steadied itself, and then slowly stood up straight, dark eyes dragging up his body before meeting his eyes straight on. His reflection jolted slightly, looking at him in surprise, and Yeonjun stared back incredulously, fingers curling into his hair almost painfully.

They stared at each other, and it was as if he were looking at someone else, a completely different person who just looked exactly like him. He couldn’t believe his eyes.

This hallucination was lasting longer than the last time, and Yeonjun took another step backwards, rubbing fiercely at his eyes to try and make it stop, needing to see only himself in a perfectly normal mirror again. His initial shock was quickly turning into a panicked sort of fear, and the longer he stared at that...stranger, the more his head seemed to pulse and throb.

The surprise had faded from his reflection’s face, and now it was looking him over carefully.

Now in clear view with the lights on, the darkness under its eyes were like bruises on its pale skin, and Yeonjun noticed how its whole body was trembling slightly, the way his did when he didn’t take a break and his muscles literally lost all their strength all at once.

Why was he seeing himself like this again, pushed beyond exhaustion and nearing the point of collapse? He had been taking care of himself, so why was his brain freaking out and making him see things-

All of a sudden, his reflection startled and turned to the left as if someone was opening the door, and Yeonjun copied the movement to look himself. The door was closed and he couldn’t see anyone through the little window, either.

When he quickly turned back to look in the mirror, his reflection was once more just himself.

Yeonjun stared at himself long and hard, trying to make sense of what had just happened but it was hard to think with the way his head kept throbbing. He had thought it was due to exhaustion last time, but he hadn’t been up all night in weeks. The only thing that was the same was how his head had also hurt him, then. Also, the lights had also been wonky, hadn’t they?

He still felt a little hot all over, sweat beading on his forehead, but he didn’t think he would go as far as to say he felt feverish. But he had to at least have a low-grade one, maybe, didn’t he? Maybe he was just dehydrated.

He swallowed thickly as his thoughts raced down the inevitable path that opened at this chain reaction of realizations. Maybe it wasn’t due to stress or lack of sleep. He could just have caught something and the symptoms were only now starting to show up. He was sure if he checked it out, it would be easy enough to explain, right? Or...maybe it was something else.

He bit his lip, trying to stifle the rising anxiety as he carefully moved his head from side to side, his eyes lingering on his reflection which thankfully remained clear and steady, just his own.

Maybe there was something going wrong in his brain and the headaches were a symptom of something bad, some kind of chemical imbalance or, god, a tumor? Weren’t chronic headaches an indication that he was hurt somewhere or, or sick? He tried not to think of any words that came close to the idea of ‘crazy’, but it was already there lingering in his mind.

The pain was receding, but it left him with that tender feeling again, and he backed away slowly towards the cooler to get some water. For some stupid reason, he didn’t want to turn his back on the mirror. He really wished the others would hurry and come back.

He forced himself to breathe slowly but ended up gulping the water in a rush before he quickly made his way out of the room. He knew he should just calm himself down and wait for them, that nothing crazy was actually happening, but he couldn’t stand to be in there alone right now after this had happened in broad daylight. His hands were shaking, and he roughly shoved them into his pockets as he went in search of his friends.

He could hear Kai’s laughter before he rounded the corner and found them chatting in front of the vending machines. Beomgyu was spluttering and choking on his drink while Taehyun clapped him roughly on the back. Soobin was smiling along with them, but his eyes were locked on his phone.

Yeonjun stared at them for a moment before he pushed his way into their midst and wrapped both arms around Soobin’s slender waist, ignoring his squawk of protest as the movement made him nearly drop his phone.

“Soobinie baby,” he whined, trying to sound silly, but his voice came out small and tremulous and he quickly crushed his face into his shoulder.

He absently thought how it was ridiculous how just the smell of the other’s cologne sent an almost instant calming response though him, but he just melted against him with a sigh and closed his eyes.

Soobin grumbled and half-heartedly tried to pry him off, but when Yeonjun didn’t budge, one large hand started to pet the back of his head and Soobin indulgently cooed at him with baby-talk.

“Awe, did Yeonjunie miss me?”

Yeonjun couldn’t stop himself from smiling into the fabric of his shirt before lifting his face with the biggest pout he could muster.

“You guys were taking fowever,” he pout-talked, and Soobin’s hand left his hair to flick him on the forehead.

Yeonjun jerked back then winced as the sharp movement seemed to rattle his brains against his skull. Soobin instantly noticed, reaching back out to cradle his head gently, and Yeonjun’s heart flipped over itself at the gesture. He swallowed, trying not to blush.

“You okay?” His big dark eyes were so close, flitting over his face in concern, and Yeonjun paused a moment as he deliberated on whether he should keep playing a baby or not. The open expression on Soobin’s face made his heart flip back the other way, and he quirked a reassuring smile feeling a little breathless.

“Just a headache,” he said, holding that soft gaze for a moment before Soobin’s phone chimed and the younger jumped slightly, blushing cutely as he looked away.

“I have some painkillers in my bag,” Taehyun offered beside them, and Yeonjun threw him a grateful smile as Soobin extracted himself and turned his attention back to his phone.

Yeonjun struggled to keep the pout from forming again at the loss of attention, and couldn’t stop himself from reaching out to pinch Soobin’s cheek once more before he turned to walk back to the room with Taehyun.

No one said anything either way when Yeonjun packed up along side them at the end of the day, and even though he still felt a little off and they probably noticed how he was a little more subdued than usual, no one forced him to join in their excited conversation about the upcoming music show.

Their manager, Jisoo, magically produced a hot pad for Yeonjun when they climbed in the car, and when he stared at it with one eyebrow raised in question, Soobin leaned over to tug it out of his hands and slap it around the back of his neck. The heat seeped into him like magic, relaxing him and draining the last bit of tension from his head, and Yeonjun nearly fell asleep in his seat within minutes.

At dinner, Kai wordlessly leaned across the table to drop his own serving of Yeonjun’s favorite spicy chicken onto Yeonjun’s plate, and under the table Yeonjun inched his foot forward until he could hook it around the maknae’s ankle in thanks. He wasn’t really hungry, but he ate the whole thing anyway feeling warm with the easily offered attention and care from all of them.

He almost felt like he could just forget about the weird episode from earlier, until he was laying in bed later and struggling to turn off his brain. He just couldn’t stop thinking about it, and only succeeded in twisting himself back up into anxious knots once he finally gave in a pulled up Naver to start the foolish endeavor of self-diagnosis through the internet.

Hours later he only felt worse after searching in increasingly confusing circles until words like disease, psychosis, and mental disorder paraded through his muddled brain on loop. One site would say it was nothing and then the next would declare them symptoms of mental instability or abnormal tumors. Yeonjun groaned as he shoved in his earbuds and turned up the volume as loud as he could stand.

The next day he still didn’t feel much better, but he was careful to never find himself alone in front of a mirror. If he avoided being alone or avoided mirrors, maybe he could discourage more hallucinations from taking hold of him. He clung to whoever was nearest him almost constantly through the day, and while they indulged him or gently hugged him back at first, he could tell that as the day wore on that he was starting to get on Taehyun and Kai’s nerves.

None of them liked it when one member was acting weird.

Soobin kept sending him concerned looks, and Beomgyu for some reason kept trying to slap his butt, as if he could make him turn back into his usual energetic self if he hit him hard enough. Normally any of these responses would eventually draw him out of a funk, but today he just didn’t feel like himself.

He was too worried and confused to even get upset with any of them, though, unable to really focus on anything properly to the point where he’d realized he had zoned out of whole conversations. He had opened his mouth more than once to just blurt out his insecurities before he’d remember how crazy or scary it sounded and swallow it back down.

The worst part was that even as he tried to avoid looking, he couldn’t stop himself from looking. He felt like if he looked away and let down his guard for a moment, then when he turned back around it would be that scary looking sick version of himself looking back instead.

He was growing more and more paranoid, trying to constantly reassure himself that he hadn’t seen anything in the first place.

It had been an agonizingly slow week, and he found himself going to bed early just to try and stop thinking and feeling for a while. The headache was now a constant low ache at the back of his head, down into his neck, and it scared him that it didn’t go away no matter how carefully he dosed himself with pain relievers and extra water.

It should stop hurting with medication, right? He didn’t know if this was a serious symptom or if his constant stress and anxiety was somehow creating a psychological response.

Or was it all just his imagination?

A few days later they were in the dressing room at Inkigayo getting ready for their performance, when the ache suddenly grew sharper, digging into his head like a knife. Yeonjun groaned involuntarily, clutching at his skull and drawing the attention of one of the make-up artists who came over to pull his hand away from the mess he’d made of his hair.

He clenched his hands in his lap and breathed out through his nose as she restyled him effortlessly, and his eyes darted to the mirror with a sick sense of curiosity clogging his chest. He looked pale and wide-eyed, but his eyes blinked when he did, and he relaxed slightly.

Then the lights flickered and Yeonjun jerked back in his seat as his reflection suddenly exploded to its feet and tore the microphone secured around his ear off, jerking the device out of his belt and carelessly tossing the whole thing to one side. His hands lifted to cover his face before quickly dropping to the buttoned up collar of his white shirt and tugging the buttons roughly out of place. He was panting and pale, and Yeonjun felt as if he was watching a silent movie, frozen in his seat in horrified fascination.

Above him another light went out and Yeonjun tensed as the reflection whirled back around to pin him with dark eyes. There was something raw in his expression, something desperate that Yeonjun didn’t think he’d ever seen on himself before, and he leaned away back into the chair, flinching as a pair of hands tilted his head firmly and fiddled with the fit of his microphone.

He’d forgotten about the stylist, and he twisted around to look up at her in alarm, unable to believe that she hadn’t seen that display in the mirror. She looked back at him questioningly, most of her expression covered with her mask, but when Yeonjun glanced back at the mirror, of course it only reflected himself once more.

His own collar felt too snug about his neck now, as if it was choking him slowly, and Yeonjun lifted trembling fingers to carefully undo the top button. The stylist looked at his shirt critically before shrugging and nodding. From the doorway, their manager gave them a five minute warning.

Yeonjun stood quickly and twisted his arm into the crook of Kai’s elbow. The maknae glanced at him from the corner of his eye, expression blank and professional as he’d already fallen into his performance headspace, but he didn’t shrug him off. Soobin wasn't in the room or Yeonjun would have crawled into his arms already regardless of who was watching. He felt like a little kid who didn’t know what to do with all these big scary feelings, but at the same time was too stubborn to ask for help.

He wasn’t sure how much more of this he could take.

Thankfully the rush of adrenaline that came with performing lifted his spirits and carried him through the rest of the day on a high of endorphins. He was able to ignore the ache in his head and genuinely laugh along to Beomgyu’s impersonations, pretending to scold him which only encouraged him to keep going.

He actually felt hungry that evening, and he felt even better with the way Soobin kept leaning into his shoulder as they ate, nudging him with his elbow or looking at him sideways with those smiling eyes and a curl to his full lips.

For a few hours, he honestly forgot about the episode in the dressing room. He felt more relaxed than he had been for a while and lost himself in just enjoying the company of his friends and the warmth of Soobin’s knee under his palm.

His turn to use the bathroom before bed came last today, and he had been looking forward to the hot steam that tended to help relieve the pressure in his head just a little. Closing the door behind him, he pulled off his shirt and turned on the water doing a double take as he saw something dark on the skin of his torso out of the corner of his eye reflected in the mirror.

Reflexively he twisted his body around to try and get a better look at what looked like a bruise, trying to remember if he had bumped into something today, when his brain caught up to the fact that he was turning and twisting his body but that his reflection was not moving along with him.

Yeonjun froze.

Not again.

Please.

His eyes dropped from the mirror to look down at himself in person. His skin was clean and unblemished, and when the bathroom light flickered ominously his heart jumped up into his throat. His head hurt more than it had a minute ago, a crushing pain creeping its way forward until he squinted against it.

No. No, no. This hadn’t ever happened at home yet, and he was suddenly feeling sick to his stomach, yet unable to stop himself from slowly looking back at the mirror in dread.

His eyes fixed on that dark mark. It was curled around the dip in his waist, as if he’d fallen on the corner of something sharp or something had pinched him roughly, but he was quickly distracted by the boney jut of his ribs right above that. He could easily count every last one, and Yeonjun knew his own body was not that thin no matter what anyone else said.

He stared at the rapid rise and fall of that almost skeletal looking chest, before he raised his eyes to look at his reflection’s face.

It wasn’t looking back at him, but was staring down at his own body with bloodshot eyes. There were tears slipping down his cheeks, and with the overhead light of the bathroom shining down on him, the shadows under his cheekbones made him look like a different person. Yeonjun stared at the image, unsure if it was looking at him or at itself in the mirror. He wondered if it could actually see him before he tried to backtrack and remind himself that it wasn’t a him, it wasn’t alive, it was just… a reflection. A hallucination.

But then those eyes lifted to his face and he was trapped in that tortured gaze. More tears spilled out, its face twisting helplessly and its eyes just begging him for help, and Yeonjun shook his head frantically.

“No. Go away-” he said, voice strained with fear. The reflection’s eyes widened and it gulped back a sob, then clenched its jaw so hard its cheek muscles twitched. “Leave me alone!” Yeonjun pleaded, breath hitching in alarm when the broken sad look on its face quickly hardened into something angry.

Then his reflection suddenly moved, lifting back its arm and screaming as it lurched forward and punched the mirror as hard as it could. Yeonjun jumped back with a yelp, crashing into the towel rack as he lifted both arms to shield his face.

The bathroom was silent except for his heavy gasps, and he fearfully peeked through his arms to see himself pale and scared in the mirror. But...he had heard that. He was sure he’d heard his...the reflection scream. The hallucination...it was getting worse. More real.

What was he supposed to do, now?

He flinched as the door creaked open next to him, and a sleepy-looking Soobin peered in cautiously.

“Are you okay?” he asked, his eyes already trailing over Yeonjun in concern.

He bit his lip as his eyes lingered on Yeonjun’s bare torso, but snapped back up to his face as Yeonjun just made a helpless sound in his throat.

Instantly, Soobin was crowding into the room and touching him on one shoulder, and Yeonjun realized his whole body was shaking. “Hyung?” he pressed, trying to catch his eye.

Yeonjun’s eyes kept straying back to the mirror, even as he couldn’t bear to look at himself. Nothing moved and the lights stayed steady.

“Hyung-” Soobin said again, his hand sliding along his shoulder to hold around the nape of his neck. His warm palm curled around the entirety of the back of his neck and it made Yeonjun feel small in a good way. It felt like Soobin could protect him so easily.

Yeonjun turned to him, pressing his lips together as he hesitated over his words. “I keep…seeing things,” he admitted awkwardly, his mind still focused on the episode he’d just had.

Soobin nodded encouragingly, stepping even closer, “Yeah? What do you mean?”

The younger’s body was now between him and that mirror, and Yeonjun felt weak with relief at the big solid human shield that made him feel so safe. It was stupid, but, the position helped him to calm down a bit.

Then he realized what he’d just told Soobin.

Rather than lifting a weight from his chest, the confession made everything suddenly more real, like solidifying it as an actual fact. And, no, he wasn’t ready to deal with it if it was.

He just wanted to go back to pretending.

“I mean...my head keeps hurting, and like… um. It suddenly got really bad just now.”

Soobin’s free hand came to press against his forehead, and though his palm was nice and cool, he only shrugged slightly and murmured, “It doesn’t seem like a fever.” He cocked his head and pinned him with an expectant look. “Can we please tell manager-hyung about this, now?”

Yeonjun sighed and reached out to fiddle with the hem of Soobin’s shirt, slipping one finger under the material to stroke along the smooth warm skin there. Soobin jumped slightly and pulled his hands away from Yeonjun to quickly hold onto his wrist with both hands. Yeonjun looked up at him slowly, mouth going dry as Soobin pulled his hand away from his waist.

They watched each other quietly before Soobin slowly lifted their hands up to press his cheek into Yeonjun’s palm.

“Please, hyung?” he begged, and damn him, that wasn’t fair.

Yeonjun couldn’t think straight when they were this close, when Soobin looked at him like that while leaning into his touch, and he couldn’t resist stroking his thumb carefully across his cheek just a little.

“Okay,” he whispered.

Soobin could make him do anything he wanted, he was sure.

Soobin nodded, biting his lip and slowly releasing the hold he had on his hand. “We’ll tell him tomorrow,” he repeated and before Yeonjun could respond he quickly turned and hurried out the door.

Yeonjun brought his fingers to his lips and stood there dumbly for a moment. What was that...just now?

His eyes naturally fell upon on his reflection again and he quickly turned his back on the mirror, stepping into the shower and trying to wash everything away under the flow of hot water.

He couldn’t help but feel guilty and a little thankful that their schedule the next morning was so packed with learning a new choreography that they wouldn’t have a chance to talk to their manager until later in the day at the earliest.

His head didn’t hurt any worse than usual, just lingering around the edge, and he could easily ignore it when he focused enough. He really didn’t want to make a big deal out of it if if was going to just resolve itself on its own, which he stubbornly hoped would happen. He was young and healthy, his body could handle this, he was sure. And overall, he really felt okay.

He had been much less hard on himself physically since the headaches started, and even though he didn’t have much appetite due to the stress of this whole situation, he could honestly say that he’d been resting more.

It was easy to brush off the concern of other people about the company or from MOA and all the comments on his “dramatic” weight loss, because they weren’t with him in person every day. His friends were, and everyone was perfectly happy with his habits right now. They were only concerned about his headaches, and so yeah, he had agreed to talk about that today, so there was no more reason to worry.

Besides he certainly did not look anywhere near as horrible as his stupid imagination came up with in the mirror. No, that reflection looked like something from a nightmare, though the feeling was probably colored by the fact that he only saw it every time the lights went dark and his head was splitting with pain.

Yeonjun blinked back to attention as Taehyun suggested they do another run through on Magic, and he easily moved to his position without thinking. He could do any of their numbers on autopilot, and as the music filled the air once more, he let his thoughts fade into nothing as he counted and breathed and moved.

Shortly after the first chorus, his headache started to grow but Yeonjun just pushed through it, keeping on beat and trying to focus on the bodies moving around him rather than the ones reflected in the mirror.

He managed for about thirty seconds until between one beat and the next one whole side of the practice room suddenly went dark. At the same time, his head throbbed so fiercely he tripped over his feet, attention snapping up to look at the mirror with his heart in his throat.

He could see all four of the others continuing to dance like nothing was wrong, yet his own reflection was standing still and watching him with cold, hard eyes.

One beat later and Taehyun was suddenly knocking into him with full momentum as Yeonjun missed his cue to move back to another position. He fell heavily to his hands and knees, eyes locked with his reflection who watched him impassively.

Around him the others instantly cried out in alarm and gathered close to him, gentle hands were checking him over but their words were garbled and echoing oddly in his ears. He couldn’t seem to catch his breath.

The look on his reflection’s face struck fear through him, and his heart was racing uncontrollably.

Did nobody notice that the lights were out? Did they not see his freaking terrifying reflection? It looked and felt so real, but no one else seemed to see it. Why did he keep hallucinating like this?

The reflection was now looking over his friends with a strange longing sort of expression on his face, and Yeonjun absently felt the way someone grabbed his shoulders and shook him. His muscles all felt stiff and out of his control and his head snapped backwards awkwardly with the movement, making him grimace as pain lanced through him again.

In an instant large hands were cradling his cheeks, and over Soobin’s shoulder he saw the way his reflection stiffened, his face darkening the longer he observed them. Then the image was moving angrily forwards towards them, as if it was going to walk right out of the mirror, and Yeonjun scrambled back in alarm, unable to stop the small sound of fear as he fell backwards heavily.

Someone slung a supporting arm around his shoulders to steady him and then Soobin grabbed at his face again, turning his head until they finally locked eyes.

Yeonjun blinked and the room was suddenly bright and fully lit once more.

The music had cut off and he could now hear the way he was gasping and choking on nothing. His friends looked pale and shocked, especially Soobin, who’s hands had felt so steady against his face but were actually trembling as he stared at him wide-eyed.

“Um...panic attack?” Beomgyu asked quietly, and Yeonjun glanced at him like he’d just offered him a life-line.

Yeonjun panted heavily, struggling to find his voice. “I...I don’t know,” he managed quietly, letting himself sag a little more against the person holding him up. It was Taehyun.

Kai leaned in to get a better look at him. “I know you think you’re fine, hyung, but I think this might be something serious,” he said, and around him everyone else nodded along.

Yeonjun had to admit he was right. This was scarily serious and he really should have told someone long ago.

“Yeah. My head...really hurts,” he told them, once more biting back the fact that he was hallucinating. It didn’t matter. If he could just find the reason for the headache and treat that, he was sure he would stop seeing them.

“Okay,” Soobin soothed, letting go of Yeonjun’s face at last. “I’m going to call Jisoo-hyung, okay?”

Yeonjun clenched his eyes shut and hunched into Taehyun’s shoulder. He was just so afraid that the doctor would figure it out and then everyone would know he was actually losing his mind.

This could change his whole life. He could lose everything.

“Please?” Soobin begged, and the tremulous lilt to his voice made Yeonjun’s chest feel tight.

He nodded carefully, reluctant, and when Soobin pulled away to leave their little huddle, Beomgyu instantly slipped into his vacated spot to put an arm around Yeonjun’s waist as well.

“I’ll get you some water,” Kai said, and Yeonjun watched him get up as well, feeling relieved that they were making all the decisions for him.

He really just wanted this to stop.

The others didn’t ask any more questions while they waited, and Yeonjun didn’t move from the warm pile of limbs that encircled him. He dreaded what would come next, and his thoughts kept jumping from one scenario to the next. He would have to go along with this for now and hopefully he would at least get some relief from the headaches, but he was stubbornly sure that mentioning anything else would be a mistake.

Soobin came back a short while later, alone, and gave him a small smile. “We are going to get off early so he can take you to a clinic.”

Everyone took that as permission to get up, and as they extracted themselves Yeonjun ignored the mirror and kept his gaze fixed on Soobin who was just standing there awkwardly.

“Are you guys coming, too?” he burst out, sounding like a kid, but he was nervous to face this alone especially after seeing how scared they all looked after his...panic attack.

It was getting harder to distinguish how bad things actually were after so many weeks of constant stress and panic. It was like his whole perception of the world was slowly getting more jumbled and skewed. He wondered if that was a symptom to something as well.

“I don’t know,” Soobin shrugged apologetically. “Probably can’t.”

Yeonjun swallowed thickly, the anxious feeling tightening his chest again. He failed to control his expression, and Soobin obviously saw it.

“But we’ll wait in the car for you,” Taehyun offered, and Yeonjun smiled up at him.

“We’re ready,” Beomgyu said, and Yeonjun scrambled to his feet.

His vision darkened a little at the change in position and his whole body swayed alarmingly before multiple pairs of hands quickly reached out to steady him. There was that ringing in his ears again, but before he could descend into another panic it faded away and he could see again.

He looked up into their scared faces, his mouth going dry, suddenly terrified that he’d waited too long to go to the hospital and that the diagnosis would reveal he had already reached the incurable last stage of whatever disease this was.

He didn’t want to go.

“Oh my goood, hyung!” Kai whined, his voice rising in pitch.

He snuggled against Yeonjun’s back and leaned over his shoulder, one hand rubbing at his stomach a little too roughly. He was pale and looked as shaken as Yeonjun felt. Yeonjun thought this tummy rub was more to help Kai comfort himself as much as it was for Yeonjun’s sake. He leaned his head against Kai’s and they made their way slowly out of the room.

Their manager looked serious and professional when they met in front of the car, and Yeonjun felt very young in face of a true adult, feeling thankful that someone would just take care of him now.

He just wanted everything to be okay, and to be well again.

It was quiet and subdued in the van, and squished together in the back seat with Kai and Soobin, Yeonjun reached out on both sides to grab their hands and thread their fingers together. Kai gave his hand a squeeze while Soobin’s free hand came to wrap over their joined hands. Yeonjun tilted his head until it rested on his shoulder, and held his breath when Soobin turned to press his face against his hair.

He wanted to sit like this forever.

They arrived at at their destination, and Yeonjun was relieved to see it was just a general practitioners and not a neurologist. Even so, he hoped that the doctor would be able to explain it all away with simple scientific data and know exactly how to fix him.

It turned out that waiting around for his turn took longer than the actual meeting itself.

The doctor barely asked him a handful of questions, and far from ordering some kind of MRI or EEG like Yeonjun had feared, the man didn’t even check his temperature or give him a vision test. The dismissive attitude made him afraid that he was just overreacting and that the man would brush him off if he were to say any more.

He knew there was something wrong with his head, but he didn’t mention the vivid hallucinations or the panic attacks. He couldn’t.

After all of five minutes, the doctor concluded that intense acute stress combined with overworking himself on too little sleep and food had developed into a chronic physical response which manifested as headaches. He told him that prolonged stress could affect the whole body adversely and that taking care of himself would make the symptoms disappear in no time. He gave him a prescription for the headaches and recommended he visit a traditional eastern medicine practitioner or acupuncturist for treatment regarding his stress.

Then the appointment was over and Yeonjun followed Jisoo-hyung back out to the car.

He knew in his gut that this diagnosis was incorrect, knew that it was something in his brain, but part of him wanted to believe it really was just something so simple and ordinary.

He smiled weakly at the expectant faces that turned towards him, feeling guilty when they slumped in relief, relaxing and smiling. The tension that had stifled the air on the drive over was dissipating like so much smoke, but that little knot of worry lodged in his chest hardened and swelled larger. He felt like he was facing this whole thing alone, and it was terrifying.

The painkillers the doctor had given him made him feel drowsy and disconnected from his body, and he leaned back into Soobin’s shoulder and closed his eyes as he waited for the pain in his head to fade away.

Twenty minutes later they were home and his head still hurt.

“Wow, what did the doctor give you?” Beomgyu giggled as after getting out of the car they discovered that Yeonjun was incapable of walking in a straight line.

The other boys tugged and guided him along and into the elevator, their voices cheerful and carefree while Yeonjun struggled to keep his eyes open and focus. Every sound was muffled slightly and the whole world tilted strangely, but the pain in his head was as persistent as ever.

Yeonjun felt like he would cry if he wasn’t so doped up on this drug that made him unable to feel the ground beneath his feet.

He didn’t remember actually walking into their apartment, nor could he say how he got to bed. The next time he floated to the surface of awareness it was to the morning sun glowing faintly through the window and the uncomfortable twist of nausea in his gut as it felt like there was a literal crack opening in his skull.

He lay as motionless as possible on the bed, clenching his eyes shut and breathing through the overwhelming sensations for as long as he could stand. His chest felt increasingly heavy, then his stomach cramped, and he blindly stumbled to the bathroom just in time to heave nothing but bile into the toilet.

He knew that headaches caused you to throw up when the pressure hit wrong, but he also pulled out his new prescription with trembling hands and flushed it down the toilet just in case.

The next week passed in a haze to Yeonjun, who found he was best able to ignore the pain and coast along if he just did the bare minimum that was required of him. He followed directions when they came and nothing more. He followed his friends lead and matched their energy accordingly. He dutifully assured them he was taking the medication and that his head didn’t hurt as bad. They could obviously tell it still bothered him, so it was no use lying and saying he was healed, but he made sure they saw him go to bed early and eat at least something at every meal they shared.

He tried so hard to portray a conscientious, careful Yeonjun who was serious about taking care of himself, while in reality he would lay in the dark in his bed for hours, unable to sleep with the pain drilling away at his skull.

He would sick up his food or nothing but bile and spit at least once a day any time the pressure in his head grew to that unbearable pitch that made his whole body seem to shut down.

It was easier to hide his worsening symptoms since he had his own room, but at the same time he kept wishing that someone would notice and come take care of him, making it all go away. He had to stop himself from going to one of the other’s rooms and climbing into one of their beds, especially Soobin’s, on more than one endlessly dark night, because he knew if they truly saw the extent of it he would be taken back to see that useless doctor.

And now when he looked in a mirror, it was to see that his own reflection was slowly yet surely deteriorating to look more and more like that ugly sick hallucination.

He saw him- it nearly every single day now, too.

His reflection didn’t seem as volatile this week, nor did it scream or try to attack him again. It would just watch him and whoever was around him with dark, unreadable eyes.

Yeonjun felt like it was looking for something, was waiting for something.

The feeling of being under constant scrutiny made his skin crawl, an extra level of awareness that grated on his nerves.

Strangest of all, though, was how the reflection acted when it saw him being close with one of the members. It would look angry, clenching its jaw as an ugly expression crossed its face every single time, and either it would glare at him or turn sharply and blink out of existence. It didn’t seem to like it when the others touched him, and Yeonjun started to get nervous and anxious any time one of them draped an arm around his shoulder or cuddled him in front of the mirror.

He found himself pulling away from a hug or awkwardly brushing off belly rubs or friendly jabs, his eyes darting to the mirror in growing paranoia. Mostly it just scared him how his own hallucination made him feel caught out like he was doing something wrong, like it was not okay to be intimate or instigate any sort of physical contact with his closest friends.

He was honestly terrified the thing would literally leap from the mirror and tear into him like in a horror film, and so if it wanted him to be alone, then he would be.

His friends seemed confused by his behavior, because when they were in the car or at home he found that he couldn’t bear to keep any distance. He was more clingy than he’d ever been before, and their jokes meant to get him to open up and talk about it always fell on deaf ears.

He couldn’t explain himself, he just needed them to help him feel grounded.

Thankfully, they were freely indulgent with their comforting touches, and he couldn’t even say he was wrong when Beomgyu compared him to a cat who just came and took affection when he wanted it. He tried to purr in response and the whole car descended into hysterical giggles.

Kai would groan good-naturedly when Yeonjun barged into his V-live and plastered himself to his side, hooking his chin on his shoulder. He babbled and giggled in his sweet awkward way, and Yeonjun just nodded along and stared at his image in the camera. He didn’t know why he hadn’t noticed sooner how his hallucination never took him over in the camera, and that realization soothed his nerves like nothing else. Kai was elbowing him discreetly, and Yeonjun unabashedly kissed the crown of his head and made his way out to find someone else.

He would play video games with Beomgyu, sitting close enough that they would bump each other as they played. He would start pinching or slapping him under the excuse of distracting him, but he couldn’t stop himself from smiling when the younger returned in kind. Beomgyu would try to wheedle information out of him in between rounds, but Yeonjun couldn’t quite bring himself to give him a straight answer.

“So why have you been acting so crazy these days?” he bluntly asked once, and Yeonjun winced at his word choice.

“I’m killing you, loser,” he pointed out, and Beomgyu roared dramatically in retaliation, not noticing the way Yeonjun’s smiles never lasted more than a few seconds.

Taehyun seemed to take his strange flip-flopping in stride and stopped getting close to him when they were at work or on set anywhere. He never had been an overly affectionate person, but when Yeonjun would look around himself sometimes feeling scared and lost, he would catch his eye and pat the spot beside him, holding one earbud out for Yeonjun to take. The music he was listening to these days was in the trend of sad love ballads, and even though they made him feel mopey or worse, weepy, he couldn’t say no to Taehyun’s big expectant eyes.

He was just trying to offer companionship and comfort him in his own way, and Yeonjun appreciated him as much as anything.

The second time he saw his emaciated reflection in the bathroom mirror, Yeonjun skipped his shower entirely and bolted from the room in pure panic. He thought he was used to seeing it by now, but the sight of actual bruising ringing the thin skin of its neck hit him like a physical blow to the chest, and he burst out into the hallway with one hand clutching at the tightness in his sternum.

He didn’t even realize where he was going until he was already opening the door and tiptoeing into Beomgyu and Soobin’s dark room.

The air was slightly humid in the small space, but Yeonjun felt cold and shivery down to his bones. His head hurt and his chest hurt, and he pulled up the sheet to crawl in next to Soobin like they hadn’t done since their trainee days.

Soobin moaned in sleepy confusion, his low voice rumbling in his chest, and any other time Yeonjun would have found the sound sexy and been embarrassingly turned on, but tonight he felt like he was reaching the end of his rope. He was sure it was only a matter of days before he would finally fall apart if he couldn't just make it all stop.

He wrapped his arm around the sleep-warm body, and buried his face in Soobin’s shoulder.

“Hyung?” he checked blearily, one hand coming up to paw at Yeonjun’s head.

“Mmm-” Yeonjun managed, eyes closing against the sting of sudden tears as each inhale filled his senses with the familiar smell of Soobin.

“Okay,” Soobin slurred, already falling back asleep. “Good.”

Yeonjun didn’t sleep for a long time, just moved his head until he could hear Soobin’s heartbeat in his ear and feel the rise and fall of his chest under his head.

He felt safe here, and nothing else mattered. He wished he wasn’t such a mess so that he could get back to living his life again. He wished he was here in Soobin’s bed because he had finally gotten the courage to ask him out and he had agreed. He wished this nightmare would just end and everything could be normal again.

When he woke the next morning his head still hurt, but it was nothing compared to how wonderful it felt to be here sleepy and warm in Soobin’s arms.

Soobin was spooning him from behind, his chest flush against the back of Yeonjun’s shoulders with literally no space left between them all the way down his back. As he slowly became more aware Yeonjun realized he could feel every inch of him where they pressed together under the covers, and he couldn’t help squirming slightly as his own body stirred in response and his heart rate started to pick up.

This really had never happened before, and the way they fit together like this sent a little thrill through him. He wanted Soobin to wake up to them like this, he wanted to see what he would do when he realized the position they were in.

For the next few minutes, Yeonjun struggled to keep still and be patient, his hand moving to where Soobin’s hand curled into his chest and carefully slotted their fingers together, hugging Soobin’s arm to him slightly. He twisted his head around as far as he could to get a glimpse of dark lashes and appreciate the attractive way his hair fell across his forehead.

His whole body was thrumming with awareness, and he was beginning to feel a little hot.

Across the room, Beomgyu’s alarm went off and Yeonjun’s whole body jolted. The sound or the movement finally seemed to rouse the younger, and Soobin’s arms tightened about him as he languidly rubbed himself against Yeonjun reflexively before he suddenly froze.

With a gasp he jerked awake and scrambled to prop up on one elbow and look down at him.

Yeonjun rolled to his back as the support against his body shifted and looked back up at him, hoping he didn’t look as flustered as he felt. His throat had gone dry, wondering if Soobin had noticed Yeonjun’s reaction but guessing he probably hadn’t given how sleepy and confused he seemed. Soobin looked so wide-eyed and innocent as they stared at each other with only inches separating their faces. His cheeks went pink and Yeonjun couldn’t stop himself from looking at his lips.

The past few minutes had been a sweet and slow kind of torture as he enjoyed their closeness all alone, and he wanted Soobin to enjoy it, too.

He wanted to kiss him so badly. He wanted Soobin to lay his whole weight down on top of him and kiss him back. He wanted those large gentle hands in his hair and all over his body, and he wanted Soobin to move against him like that again, to hear his breath speed up and the low sounds he might make if Yeonjun pressed back up against him.

He lifted one hand to rest against Soobin’s waist, boldly slipping his fingers under fabric until he found warm skin, and the younger’s whole body tensed at the touch, his eyes widening as his pretty lips fell open slightly.

Despite his started expression, Soobin’s eyes went dark and dropped down to Yeonjun’s lips. Yeonjun unconsciously lifted his chin to tilt his face a little closer, his eyes shuttering halfway as the warm tingly feeling of arousal melted slowly through his torso.

Please, Soobin-ah, he thought, unable to speak as Soobin nervously licked his lips, his eyes flickering back up to meet his own. Yeonjun inhaled shakily, unable to take his eyes off the pink shine his tongue had left on them. He hadn’t even started thinking about Soobin’s tongue, yet, and god, please, just kiss me.

It was all he wanted, unable to stop the small questioning hum that built in his throat.

He moved his hand over soft skin and pressed on the dip of his lower back, wanting to pull him down fully against him again. Soobin was still tense but he followed the guiding movement and let his body sink down onto Yeonjun. He was warm and heavy, and it felt even more amazing when Soobin involuntarily made a low little noise that sent a shiver of want down into Yeonjun’s stomach. Soobin’s face promptly flushed before twisting in pure embarrassment, but Yeonjun couldn't think of anything but how good it felt to be pinned like this.

Their little moment was broken by the alarm ringing again, and Soobin hastily shoved himself up and away, standing up and leaving Yeonjun laying alone in the middle of his bed. He was definitely blushing, and couldn’t seem to look at him as he rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. Yeonjun let out a slow breath to try and calm himself down, knowing that the wonderful moment was over, and he bit his lip to try and keep from smiling. It escaped him anyway as Soobin continued to twitch around awkwardly.

He was so cute.

Yeonjun just wanted to reach out and drag him back down until he could wrap his arms and legs around him, to shower his red face with kisses and then...then steal some proper kisses.

From the other bed came a tired-sounding yawn as Beomgyu struggled up to sitting, and Yeonjun smiled wider as Soobin quickly turned away from the younger as well.

Soobin was shy enough for the both of them, and it gave Yeonjun back a little of his confidence. He stretched out one leg to jab his toe into Soobin’s bum.

“Sleep well, baby?” he teased as Soobin jerked away from the touch, glancing down at him with embarrassed dimples and a chaotic case of bedhead. God, he looked so good right now. He wanted him so badly.

Beomgyu groaned at them, tossing his pillow weakly in their direction. “No flirting in my bedroom, oh my god.”

“Oh my god,” Soobin echoed stupidly, and Yeonjun flushed as he realized that Soobin’s eyes were trained on his stomach where his shirt had rode up nearly halfway to expose bare skin.

“Oh my god.” He giggled, hand accidentally dragging across his stomach as he raised it towards the fabric, but Soobin clattered out of the room before Yeonjun could decide whether he should tug his shirt down or stretch until it rode up even more. He pouted at the missed opportunity, and yelped as Beomgyu staggered from his bed and proceeded to wallop him with his pillow.

“Don’t do that while I’m in here, please!” he pretend raged, his booming voice loud enough to rouse the whole dorm.

Yeonjun cringed away, trying to grab the pillow with one hand. The movements sent a bolt of pain through his head and couldn’t hold back a wince. “Don’t hit me, I’m your hyung!” he protested, but Beomgyu just gave a war cry and covered his head with the pillow and then lay his whole body on top of it.

“I think this calls for yaja-time!” Beomgyu demanded, “Call me hyung and I’ll let you go!”

Yeonjun couldn’t breathe with the stupid pillow in his face, and when he tried to twist and force the younger off his whole body tensed up from the resulting stab of agony in his head. Beomgyu assumed his pained groan was part of the game and wriggled his whole body. “I’m waiting, Yeonjun-ah!”

“Please let go, hyung,” he gasped, his voice pained and small.

At his quick capitulation, Beomgyu stopped moving and ripped the pillow away. The smile was already slipping off his face as he hovered over him. “What- your head?” he guessed correctly, and Yeonjun just moaned into his hands.

“Where are your meds?” he asked, and Yeonjun for the life of him couldn’t remember where they were for a long moment. “I’ll get them for you,” Beomgyu offered, and Yeonjun sighed.

“Ran out,” he said, hating how worried and serious Beomgyu looked.

He missed rough-housing with him, and messing around with the others. All the playing and bickering and just enjoying being at the height of their career. If it weren’t for his near debilitating physical condition...he would have made so much more out of this morning. He would have been building up their relationships, gotten even closer to all of them.

If he hadn’t been struggling with all this paranoia and sickness, he probably would have kissed Soobin already. The thoughts made him feel a little melancholic and he dutifully swallowed the Tylenol that Beomgyu gave him before they left for work.

Surprisingly, the medicine actually seemed to take the edge off just a little, and the reprieve lifted his spirits. He kept his back to the mirror as they warmed up, and the lights didn’t flicker even once.

Soobin was unable to meet his eyes all morning, and Yeonjun just wanted to get him alone for a moment so he could talk to him and tell him it was okay. That he had liked it. Liked him. He wasn’t sure if he’d get as far as a confession, but he knew he wanted more to happen between them.

Waking up in Soobin’s arms was the best thing that had ever happened to him, and he wanted this precious thing between them to finally happen for real.

It felt like things were going his way when a glance at their schedule showed nothing really major for at least the next month. Normally such a light schedule would push him back into late nights and endless practices, but this time he was already anticipating the time they could spend away from the practice room, time that he wanted to fill with private conversations and just taking a break with his friends. He thought he might even try to ask Soobin out for an actual date and see where it took them.

As it turned out, all his tentative plans were for nothing as later that afternoon they took the elevator up to the top office to have their usual monthly check-in, and Yeonjun was blindsided as he was chosen for the Artist of the Month.

Despite his deteriorating state and the near crippling pain in his head, Yeonjun still felt giddy and proud when Bang-PD told them the news. His friends hugged him all in a big group, whooping and cheering for him as they hopped up and down. Even as his head throbbed from all the jostling, he grinned and awkwardly accepted the high-five the CEO offered him.

No one seemed to notice how gingerly he held himself. He had been hiding his pain for so long now, but he felt that right now it was worth it since he got to share this achievement with the people who were genuinely happy for him.

Later that night when he was struggling to fall asleep in the stifling quiet of his room, the doubts began to seep in.

The regret that he was far from top condition and that he really wouldn’t be able to give this honor his all was nearly crushing. He had been yearning and longing for things like this to happen for him since the moment he’d realized he wanted to be an idol. And here he was, his group always on top of the charts, their name gaining popularity world-wide, and now a personal recognition of all his hours of endless dedication and hard work.

And here he was, falling deeper and deeper into this mental breakdown, his body weakened and unhealthy, and he was going to ruin himself before he ever got to enjoy it.

He decided to train as if everything was normal, to dance as if his head didn’t feel like it would crack open and spill his brains all over the floor, to ignore that ugly image in the mirror that wasn’t his own and pretend like he was still the confident and charismatic Legendary Trainee that everyone thought he was.

The first few days went better than he expected. He actually had fun choosing his music and working out the choreography with the dance instructor, and he wanted to live up to all their expectations so badly. This was his passion and he would prove it.

Having a whole group of back dancers also forced him to act the part, to smile and socialize and be energetic. He took the role seriously and focused so fiercely that the hours they spent together just melted by.

On the flip side, however, the fallout once he was alone again was twice as bad.

His headache was so distracting he could hardly string a coherent sentence together, and for the past two days he hadn’t seen his true self in the mirror even once. He honestly had no idea what he even looked like right now.

Luckily there was a whole room of make-up staff who never failed to make him look good, and he knew that someone would tell him if he really did start to look as sickly as his reflection.

He had retreated to their own practice room after the work day ended, partly to escape from the pressure of having to act normal in front of other people, and partly to escape from the raucous loud energy that filled the dorm at home. It was twice as hard to hide his pain from his friends when they kept checking on him, but it hadn’t gotten to the point yet where they staged another intervention.

Turning on the music once more, Yeonjun turned it down to half the volume he used to prefer, his sensitive head unable to handle it anymore. He ran through both the songs halfheartedly, trying not to move his head very much, distracted by both his thoughts and also the way that funnily enough, his reflection also seemed to be working on the songs for AOTM.

The instructor had told him to practice the movement where he was supposed to roll backwards on the sofa, and Yeonjun had bashfully promised to work on it. He had made a mess of it during the lesson, but was unable to tell him the real problem was that the move literally made his vision go black with the pain it caused his head. He kept avoiding the move, and he hoped that they would just take it out, but until they did he had to practice it or else he wouldn’t be able to do it for the actual filming.

Taking a deep breath, he rolled himself backwards, moaning as his body weight pressed his head down into the cushion and he instantly gave up, laying on his back while his legs flopped down across the arm rest. He hid his eyes in the crook of one elbow as the room spun and the lights flickered.

He lay there for a while, floating in that hazy space of exhaustion which unfortunately failed to pull him under due to the little pulsing jabs in his head. He carefully turned his head to look at the mirror for distraction.

His reflection was still dancing, brows creased and expression grim. He looked angry again and each movement was sharp and almost violent, like he was trying to purge some sort of tension or aggression through his dance. Yeonjun forgot that he shouldn’t be appreciating the images created from his cracked head, and lost himself watching what was a shockingly emotional performance.

He didn’t think he’d ever danced like that before, and it looked more intense and real like that; he found he couldn’t look away. Something about his expression and the almost uncontrolled way his body moved made Yeonjun suddenly feel emotional, tears springing to his eyes as he wondered what his reflection was feeling to make him dance like that.

Why did he look so...hurt? Like he was scared and alone, and suffering…

It was like looking at himself, because that was exactly how he felt these days. Yeonjun chuckled a little hysterically. What was he thinking? Of course that made sense because this hallucination was a figment of his own stupid fractured mind.

And he’d thought of it as a ‘he’ again. That couldn’t be good at all.

Yeonjun turned away before the reflection came to the end of the song, closing his burning eyes so that the hot tears slipped out the corners and trailed down into his ears. He sniffed them back weakly, letting out a broken sort of noise born from pure exhaustion.

He couldn’t hear any music but he could hear the reflection breathing erratically, mumbling under its breath a little frantically. The words were unintelligible but it sounded like the ramblings of someone insane, and Yeonjun lifted both hands to fiercely plug his ears. As he listened to the thud of his heartbeat in his head and concentrated on feeling the pull and drag of each breath, he somehow drifted off to sleep.

A touch on his face roused him some time later.

Yeonjun cracked open his eyes to peer blearily around at the room, briefly noting how his reflection was pacing sharply back in forth in agitation before he noticed the black hair and familiar curving eyes.

Soobin was sitting on the floor next to the sofa, his knees drawn up to his chest with one elbow atop them and cradling his jaw in one hand. With his other hand, the backs of his fingers were still stroking along Yeonjun’s cheek, and the look on his face was soft and thoughtful. Yeonjun’s hand automatically lifted to flick the lobe of Soobin’s ear before dropping down to clutch at the hand by his face. Soobin didn’t pull away.

“I don’t think I’ve seen you actually asleep for at least a month,” he said quietly. Yeonjun wasn’t sure what to say, but Soobin just smiled at him a little sadly. “I know your head still hurts, hyung. I should have said something sooner, but I just…” His lips twisted slightly and he sighed. “Why didn’t you tell anyone the meds aren’t working?”

Yeonjun looked away guiltily, his attention straying towards the mirror before he realized the reflection had stopped moving and was watching them avidly. He quickly looked back at Soobin and tried to ignore the spectator. He was allowed to touch Soobin and accept his comfort. That reflection wasn’t a real person.

It couldn’t touch them.

“Hyung?” Soobin pressed, squeezing his hand.

Yeonjun sighed. “They made me throw up,” he told him carefully, even though that was only half of the truth.

Soobin still looked dismayed, his face going even softer with sympathy.

“Really? Well, my mom always said she trusts the eastern practices more, we should try one of those. Just ‘cause this didn’t work doesn’t mean that something else wont. I’ll call her about it tomorrow, okay?”

His eyes were so big and earnest and Yeonjun stared at him with his heart in his throat. “Why are you so good to me?” he blurted, closing his mouth right after to keep from spilling any more of his heart out.

Soobin looked away and down at their joined hands. He was quiet for a moment before his face pinched with a raw vulnerable expression. “You...you know why,” he whispered. It was as close to a confession as either of them had ever come, and Yeonjun’s heart skipped a beat. “You know...don’t you?” He looked so nervous as he glanced furtively back up to meet Yeonjun’s eyes.

Yeonjun held his gaze, heart racing as in answer he slowly turned his face until he could press his lips to the back of Soobin’s hand. Soobin’s eyes widened and Yeonjun smiled at him suddenly feeling shy for some reason.

“Yeah,” he breathed. "Me, too."

His whole body tingled with something like nervous excitement that they were having this moment at last. Soobin pressed his lips together as he tried to keep from smiling too widely, and Yeonjun tilted his chin up and gave him a saucy little air-kiss. 

Those dimples popped into sight and they both giggled at each other a little breathlessly like love-struck idiots.

Yeonjun’s heart felt full, his eyes darting between Soobin’s as he tried to make sure they were really on the same page.

Soobin pulled his fingers free and slid them gently down the line of his jaw. He paused as his eyes fixed on Yeonjun’s lips just like that morning in Soobin’s bed, and Yeonjun sucked in a breath as Soobin then ran the pad of his thumb across his bottom lip.

The touch lit up his whole body and his mouth parted slightly at the careful caress, instinctively pressing a kiss to the digit in response. They looked at each other again, and Yeonjun knew what they were both thinking. There was nothing he wanted more right now.

His heart started pounding in his chest, and Soobin’s hand was trembling against his cheek. Soobin scooted a little closer, his chest pressing into Yeonjun’s shoulder and his hand moved up until his fingers slid into the hair on the side of his head.

A phone chimed suddenly in the silent room, and Yeonjun startled while Soobin snapped his hand away like he’d been burned. He looked around reflexively as if to check if anyone saw that intimate moment, before digging his phone out.

His cheeks dusted with pink as he avoided Yeonjun’s steady gaze. “Um, I have to get to Music Bank,” he said quietly, and Yeonjun would have felt disappointed if not for the fact that they lived together. He could go home and see him in a few hours and then they could...talk.

“Talk later?” he asked, and Soobin glanced at him shyly, his whole posture radiating awkwardness. Yeonjun couldn’t stop a fond smile from crossing his face.

“Yeah,” he bit his lip as he quickly unfolded from his position to stand so tall over him. Yeonjun didn’t bother moving, liking the feeling of laying there and looking up at the other. His smile slid into more of a smirk as Soobin’s gaze trailed down his body for a moment before he blushed harder after he realized where he was looking. “D-don’t stay too late,” he stuttered, and then he was gone.

Yeonjun sighed in the now empty room. His motivation to keep working was completely gone after that, and he lay there for a while just remembering Soobin’s nervous smile and soft fingers.

He really, really wanted to kiss him, to touch him everywhere, and kiss him and never stop.

He ran a hand through his hair, absently trying to massage away some of his headache, when suddenly all the lights in the room went out.

Without thinking he jolted up into sitting and his head exploded in pain. His stomach cramped with nausea, and he curled over his knees with a groan. Squinting through tear-filled eyes he couldn’t see anything but pitch black, and as the wave of agony slowly receded, he twisted around to see that even the light from outside the door was out and he didn’t know which way was which.

The air had gone oddly cold, and he shivered as goosebumps erupted all down his bare arms.

He didn’t move from the sofa, trying not to panic as no matter how he looked he couldn’t pick out anything in the blackness, it was all encompassing. A low hum filled the air, like the whine of electricity and he quickly closed his eyes the second before all the lights flashed blindingly back on.

As soon as he was sure he could see again, Yeonjun stood from the sofa and turned to walk directly to the door, refusing to look at the mirror, terrified of what it might show him this time.

The lights flickered ominously as he crossed the room, and just as he was about to reach for the door handle, a strange rattling slam startled him enough to make him look over his shoulder.

His reflection was right up against the mirror, its eyes were like dark pits of fire and both palms were pressed to it from the other side of the surface.

They stared at each other for one long quiet moment, and Yeonjun saw the slow shift in its expression from something desperate to something determined, and then as he watched, the reflection brought back a fist and slammed it down again with all its strength, screaming hoarsely. The sound startled Yeonjun and he took a fearful step back as the whole mirror vibrated and shook on impact.

It screamed again, punching the mirror even harder, and Yeonjun flinched as pain stabbed through his skull at the same moment.

He took another step back, trying to steady himself enough to flee the room, but all of a sudden his feet were jerked out from underneath him.

Falling heavily onto his back, the wind was knocked out of him harshly and he gasped for air while the reflection’s scream rang and echoed in his ears. He couldn’t catch his breath, too dizzy to see what was happening as the whole room tilted alarmingly and something suddenly started dragging him bodily across the wooden floor.

Yeonjun panicked, struggling and trying to kick away the invisible force that was pulling him right towards the mirror.

He screamed helplessly, raising both arms to try and shield his face from the impact as his body slammed forcefully into the mirror.

Everything went black.