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“You’re telling me you haven’t learned your lesson?” Zachariah asks. There’s venom in his voice and it makes the hair on the back of Dean’s neck stand up.
“Oh, I’ve learned a lesson all right.” Dean glares at Zachariah. “Just not the one you wanted to teach.”
“Well, I’ll just have to teach it again!” Zachariah marches over to Dean. “Because I got you now, boy—”
There’s a whooshing sound and a hand on Dean’s shoulder. There’s another whoosh and the world spins for a second and Dean finds himself standing on the side of the road. He looks around to see Cas standing beside him.
“That’s pretty nice timing, Cas.” Dean can’t help but chuckle. He has never been so friggin’ happy to see someone in his life. One second Zachariah’s walking over to him, clearly about to send his ass to some more doomsday bullshit, and the next, he’s standing here on the side of the road with Cas.
“We had an appointment,” Cas replies. He’s got that sincere look in his eyes that he gets sometimes. He’s practically the opposite of the Cas that Dean just met in 2014. This Cas still thinks they can win.
Dean takes a second to collect himself. He has to. He’s not even sure what he’s feeling. Relief to not be in another one of Zachariah’s lessons? Gratitude? The safety of being with his friend? The friend who will apparently be around in five years when the shit hits the fan? Cas is staying. Holy shit. Dean went to the future and Cas was still there—by his side. But he was so…different. Faithless. That Cas didn’t even have faith in Dean…he just didn’t want to leave him. Why? Why was he like that? What happened?
Dean looks back at this Cas. This Cas who still has faith…There’s still hope for him. Maybe. Maybe he won’t become a human in this future. Maybe the angels won’t leave. Maybe they can do something to stop it from happening. Maybe Dean can save him…and if he can save Cas from changing, then maybe he can stop himself from becoming whatever the hell the Dean of 2014 became.
Dean puts his hand on Cas’s shoulder and kind of gestures to him and says, “Don’t ever change.”
He tries to put all his feelings into those three words. He hopes Cas understands. It’s moments like these that Dean wishes he were better with words. He’s only good at using them to hurt people. He’s not good at using words to…what is he even trying to do anyway? Give his angelic best friend—shit, Cas really is his best friend, isn’t he?—a pep talk about something that might happen in the future? Dean hopes it’s enough. Enough to make Cas still want to stay with him but not do whatever the hell he was doing in the future. Dean can’t be the reason that Cas destroys himself.
Cas just looks at him. Dean can’t even imagine what he might be thinking right now. They just stare at each other for a few moments. Those seconds feel like an eternity and Dean finds himself lost, staring into Cas’s eyes, trying to find some answers.
Then Cas asks, “How did Zachariah find you?”
Dean gives a short explanation, and he wishes he had more time to talk to Cas, but he has to call Sammy. He has to stop that future from coming—the one where Sammy says “yes” to Lucifer and Dean says “no” to Michael—the one where Bobby’s dead and Chuck is hoarding toilet paper and Cas is…Cas is by Dean’s side even though he had clearly given up a while ago. Cas just…didn’t want to leave. And Dean doesn’t know why.
After he calls Sammy, he can’t help but stare at Cas. Cas, who is likely to stay with him until the end.
Cas tilts his head to the side and asks, “What’s wrong?”
“Do you want to come with me?” Dean asks.
“You would like me to transport you to the meeting spot?” Cas reaches out for Dean’s forehead.
“No.” Dean takes a step back. “I mean, do you want to take a drive with me?”
Cas scrunches his eyebrows together and says, “That doesn’t answer my question.”
“What question?”
“What’s wrong, Dean? What aren’t you telling me?”
“Can I tell you on the road?”
“Yes. Although, I should probably transport us to your Impala. It would be a long walk otherwise. I imagine Zachariah and his soldiers are searching for you elsewhere.”
“Guess I can’t say ‘no’ to that.” Dean jokes.
Cas’s eyes widen and he takes a step back. “Dean, you never have to go with me if you don’t want to.”
“I was joking, Cas. I want to go with you.” Dean can’t help but feel weirdly touched by Cas’s concern. It must be strange for Cas to be his friend. Cas is this super powerful angel and Dean is just a puny little human. And right now, Dean’s being told that he needs to let some other super powerful angel take him over and do whatever the Hell he wants. So, Cas is…Cas is being careful—considerate.
Maybe.
Or it’s just all in Dean’s head.
Dean doesn’t really care.
He doesn’t.
Really.
Cas nods and he looks so concerned that Dean almost wants to hug him.
Almost.
Fuck it.
Dean closes the distance between them and hugs Cas.
“Dean?” Cas asks. “What is this?”
“It’s a hug, Cas. It’s uh, customary to hug back. If you want to.” Dean replies.
“I thought this was only for humans.”
“’Course it’s not. Huggin’s for everybody—even angels.”
“Okay, Dean.” Cas slowly hugs Dean back.
It’s an awkward hug—there’s no denying that. But it’s kind of nice. And Dean’s surprised to find he doesn’t regret initiating the affection with his winged friend. Because that’s what they are. Friends. Not like in the future. Dean never even thought Cas would be interested in a pathetic little human like him. Not like that at least. Not how Dean feels about him. Was that real? Was anything that Zachariah showed him real?
It doesn’t matter. This—what’s happening right now—is real and that’s what Dean needs to focus on. Cas. His friend. Who is…warm and…and kind and has a surprisingly gentle touch for a warrior.
“I trust you, Cas. You know that; don’t you?” Dean asks.
“Yes. I can feel it.” Cas replies. “For what it’s worth, I trust you as well, Dean.”
Neither of them says anything for a few beats. They just stand there, hugging. Dean’s glad no one’s around because this is becoming a long hug. But he has things to say, and he knows he won’t be able to say them to Cas’s face.
“Hey, you uh…You know that you’re one of us. Right? You know that…don’t you?” Dean asks.
“What do you mean?” Cas asks.
“You’re family, Cas. You, Sammy, Bobby, and me. We’re family.”
Cas stiffens and doesn’t say anything.
Dean’s heart sinks and a hot wave of shame washes over him. He shouldn’t have said that. It was too much. Cas is going to leave now because Dean’s too clingy.
But Cas doesn’t leave.
He hasn’t even moved since Dean said he’s family.
“Cas?” Dean whispers.
“Thank you, Dean.” Cas’s voice is rough. “I don’t believe I’ve…um, experienced this with the garrison. Not to this extent at least. This um, affection I have for Bobby and Sam and you…especially you, Dean. I’m glad that you—you all care about me as well.” Cas sniffles and it goes straight to Dean’s heart.
Dean has never seen Cas cry before and it’s hard not to freak out about it. He really doesn’t want the reason that Cas cries in front of him for the first time to be because he said that they care about him. That’s…that’s messed up—even for this group of losers.
“Of course, of course, you’re family, Cas. We’ve got your back.” Dean hugs Cas a little tighter. “Just like you pull our asses out of the fire all the time—mine especially.”
Cas doesn’t say anything. He just hugs Dean a little tighter and tentatively rests his head on Dean’s shoulder. Dean feels wetness in the crook of his neck.
There’s a pull in Dean’s chest and he hugs Cas even tighter. He doesn’t want to let him go. He just…he just wants to make sure he’s okay. He hates to think that Cas spent all his long years without feeling like he has family…he must’ve felt so alone. Or maybe he didn’t even know he was alone until he got stuck with Dean as his charge. Then he left the only family he’d ever known to join Dean’s fight. Dean can’t decide which option seems worse.
Cas doesn’t pull away until Dean does. That’s pretty usual for Cas. Dean’s noticed that he takes social cues from the people around him. He gets that. Dean didn’t spend his whole life copying characters from movies and tv shows to not understand when someone else is feeling out of place and watching others to figure out how to behave.
“Do you want me to transport us to your car now?” Cas asks. His voice is rough, and he looks away from Dean as he takes a swipe at his eyes.
“Yeah,” Dean replies.
Cas puts two fingers on Dean’s forehead and then they’re inside Baby. Dean’s in the front seat and Cas is in the passenger seat. Dean fishes one of his Led Zeppelin mixtapes out of his music box from the back seat and pops it into the tape player. He plays Led Zeppelin nice and low so they can have some music on while they talk. Then he starts driving.
“You play this one a lot,” Cas comments.
“Yeah, well, driver picks the music, Cas.” Dean shrugs, glancing over to see Cas roll his eyes at him.
“I like the tape. I find it soothing.” Cas says. There’s a small smile on his face.
Dean tries to ignore the way his heart jumps. His dad always said that his mom fell for him because he was cute and knew all the words to Led Zeppelin. Well…Dean’s cute and he knows all the words to Led Zeppelin’s albums and Cas liked the tape and thinks Led Zeppelin is—nope. Don’t go there. The end of the friggin’ world is not the time to see if Cas feels the same way. It’s just not.
Dean needs to think about something else. Anything else.
And of course, all Dean can think about is the Cas of 2014 driving and talking about the end of the world like it was any old Tuesday. When did Cas learn how to drive anyway? Was it on a hunt? Was it out of necessity or was it fun? Dean remembers learning how to drive. It was his first hunt. He was eight. He could barely see over the steering wheel. His dad was hurt in the backseat, and he was barking out orders about how to drive and which way the nearest hospital was. Is something like that going to happen to Cas? Is it Dean who teaches him? Does Dean get hurt and Cas realizes for the first time that he can’t heal him, so he has to drive him to the hospital while Dean yells out directions from the backseat? That can’t be Cas’s first introduction to driving. Dean can’t do shit about the rest of it right now, but he can do something about Cas’s first driving lesson. Anything’s better than that nightmare Dean just thought of.
“All right Cas, I think today’s the day you learn how to drive.” Dean announces as he pulls over.
Dean looks over at Cas to find him staring at him. Dean winks at him and gets out of the car. He goes around to the passenger seat and opens the door.
“Are you sure?” Cas asks.
“Yeah, let’s go.” Dean pats Cas’s shoulder.
Cas disappears and reappears in the driver’s seat.
Dean can’t help but feel bad for the Cas of 2014 who can’t use his wings anymore—who doesn’t even have wings anymore.
“Dean?” Cas asks.
“Yeah, coming.” Dean gets into the car and grins at Cas. “Ready?”
Cas’s face is neutral but he’s white-knuckling Baby’s steering wheel already. “Yes,” he all but growls.
“You good?” Dean asks.
“I’m focused.” Cas stares straight ahead.
“Okay, let’s try to relax a bit. You need to be loose, so you’ll be ready to make turns.”
Cas nods and lets go of the wheel. He looks at his hands. Then at Dean. “What should I do?” he asks.
“Well, what do you do to get loose for a fight?” Dean asks.
Cas flexes his hands and wiggles his fingers.
“Yeah, just do whatever feels right for you. Do you feel looser, or do you need to try something else?” Dean asks.
“I’m loose,” Cas replies.
“All right. Let’s try again. Go ahead and grab Baby’s wheel.” Dean looks up at the ceiling because that definitely sounded dirty.
“You seem embarrassed,” Cas says.
Dean looks at Cas who’s staring at Dean with a straight face.
“Don’t worry about it.” Dean waves him off. “Twist the keys to start the car. You have to jiggle her a little sometimes. Be gentle.”
Cas does it and Baby’s engine purrs.
“Good job. Let’s put Baby in gear.” Dean explains how the gears work and then asks, “Got it?”
“I believe so.” Cas moves the gear shift into place. “If I do this and then put my foot on the gas, the car should start; yes?”
“Yeah, you got it.” Dean grins.
Cas looks at Dean.
Dean looks at Cas, wondering why they’re not going anywhere yet.
“Dean?” Cas asks.
“Yeah, Cas?” Dean replies.
“Which one is the gas?”
Oh.
Dean probably should’ve mentioned that.
“It’s the small one to the right.” Dean gestures to the general area of the gas pedal.
“Thank you.” Cas nods.
Then Baby lurches forward and they’re careening down the road at 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 miles per hour.
Cas is staring at the road like it just kicked him in the face and he’s completely still. There’s no swerving or changing lanes. Technically he’s perfect.
But Dean doesn’t want to get pulled over.
“Cas, let’s let off the gas a little. The speed limit’s 45 miles per hour here.” Dean says.
“Oh. Yes.” Cas slows down and goes—as far as Dean can tell—exactly 45 miles per hour.
“You’re good at this already.” Dean grins, patting Cas’s arm.
Cas shoots him a small smile before looking at the road again.
“If I turn the music up, will that distract you?” Dean asks.
Cas shakes his head and Dean turns his tape up. They’re quiet for a while: Cas driving and Dean nodding along to the music.
Then “Stairway to Heaven” comes on and Dean’s heart drops. He looks at Cas.
“You want me to change it?” Dean asks.
“I don’t mind.” Cas shrugs. “Perhaps Heaven will change one day.”
“Do you really believe that?” Dean asks.
“I have to. I’m an angel. God will fix this.” Cas sounds so sure.
Dean decides to let it go for tonight.
They stop talking for a while again.
Then Cas asks, “Why are you teaching me this?”
“I thought it might help if you knew some human things.” Dean shrugs as his heart starts to beat faster. How can he tell Cas that he’s going to lose everything because of him? Will Cas stay if he knows what’s coming for him? Maybe he should give Cas the choice to go. No. Cas is hunted just like the rest of them. The angels would sooner kill him than take him back.
“You still haven’t told me what’s bothering you. It seems to have something to do with me.” Cas says.
“Are you sure you wanna know? I don’t think you’re gonna like it, man.”
“Tell me anyway.” Cas’s voice is soft, and it makes Dean feel safe…like it had even before Cas broke Dean out of the beautiful room.
“Zachariah sent me to the future. You’re there. The angels left and you were…you were still uh…you were with me, but you were—"
“Human?” Cas interrupts in a quiet voice. He looks sad but not surprised.
“How did you—”
Cas takes a shaky breath and says, “It’s something I’ve been thinking about. I imagine it could happen at any moment—if I fully fall and lose connection with Heaven. I will do my best to be useful until that moment comes.”
Dean’s heart drops. “Wait.” He feels like his heart is in his throat. “Is that really what you think?”
“What?”
“You think you’re only here because you’re useful?”
Cas blinks and looks at Dean. “Am I…not?”
“Of course not!” Dean doesn’t mean to yell. But he yells. What did he do to let Cas believe they only want him around because he’s useful?
Cas doesn’t say anything. He pulls over and parks in the grass on the side of the road. Nobody’s around and it’s pitch black except for the stars and Baby’s headlights and taillights.
Nobody says anything for a few beats. Then Cas asks, “Dean?” His voice is soft, steady, so Cas. Not so much soft, but steady. Secure. Safe. All these things Dean has yearned for but never really had with someone else. Even though he tries not to, Dean gets swept away in that voice. It’s always like this with Cas. Cas is the first friend he’s had in a while. He’s the first one he shared a long laugh with in such a long time. He’s the one who sits with him at ass o’clock when Dean can’t sleep and he’s angrily nursing a cup of coffee. Cas is always right beside him. Just sitting there. Patient. Waiting. Reliable. Like tonight. Like in 2014.
“Dean?” Cas asks again, this time putting a hand on his shoulder.
Dean looks at Cas’s hand and almost takes it in his own—almost gives it a gentle squeeze and promises that he’ll keep him safe—that he’ll protect him even though he’s only a pathetic little human without any special powers. But Dean can’t do that. Partly because he’s a coward. Mostly because he’s not going to feed Cas a bunch of lies. Dean can’t protect Cas from what’s coming. Cas is screwed. Just like the rest of them. And it’s all Dean’s fault.
“You’re not here because you’re useful, Cas. You’re here because you’re family.” Dean’s voice shakes but at least he’s not yelling anymore.
Cas squints and tilts his head to the side. “So, you’re saying that you will still choose to keep me around even when I’m no longer useful to you in the future?” Cas asks.
Dean wants to scream but he knows that won’t help. He wants to beat the shit out of whoever told Cas he was only worth keeping around if he’s useful. But he can’t do that either.
“For the record, you were still useful in 2014 from what I could tell. You just didn’t have your powers.” Dean shrugs.
“So…teaching me to drive will help me become more useful to you? For the future?” Cas asks.
“What? Cas, that’s not—” Dean takes a deep breath before he starts yelling again. It’s not Cas’s fault. The angels have probably conditioned Cas to believe he’s only worth existing if he’s useful. Dean can’t yell at him for that. It wouldn’t be fair.
Dean takes another deep breath for good measure and says, “Cas, I just wanted to help you take better care of yourself if something happens to you. We could get separated and I need to know that you’ll get back in one piece even if your batteries get drained.”
Cas tilts his head in confusion and something like rage lights up in Dean’s chest.
“It’s not to make you more useful for me.” Dean keeps talking, doing his best to keep his voice even. “This is to help you. I don’t care if you’re useful, Cas. I just want you to be here—alive.” Dean can’t believe he actually managed to say all that.
He hopes it helps. He hopes it means as much to Cas as it does to him. He hopes Cas takes it for what it is: care, affection, love, whatever the hell Cas wants to call it. Dean’s not sure what to call it. Of course, Dean loves Cas. The guy rebelled from Heaven for him and he’s surprisingly easy to talk to. Dean just doesn’t know if he loves Cas like family or if he’s well…in love with Cas.
Cas doesn’t say anything. He looks away from Dean and sits still with his hands on the steering wheel for a long time. Then he gets out of the car and Dean thinks he’s going to fly away. But he doesn’t. Instead, he walks around to the back and climbs onto Baby’s trunk. Dean waits a few beats. Then he follows Cas.
“Cas?” Dean asks as he sits beside him. He’s not too worried about getting locked out of Baby because he can break into her if he has to, and Cas could always just fly in and open the doors if he wanted to.
“Dean, I don’t—” Cas’s voice breaks and he shakes his head. “Nobody has ever—” Cas’s voice cuts off.
“Take your time,” Dean puts his hand on Cas’s shoulder and gives it a gentle squeeze.
Cas takes a shaky breath and says, “This is…unusual for me, Dean. In Heaven, all the angels are only valued based on their usefulness. This is,” Cas clears his throat, “different.”
“You’re not there anymore, Cas. People don’t keep family around just because they’re useful. They keep family around because they—because they care about them. You matter to us, man.”
Cas sniffles and nods. “This will take some getting used to.” His voice cracks a little.
“That’s okay. You’re one of us now. You’ve got time.” Dean releases Cas’s shoulder and gives it a little pat.
Cas looks at Dean with glassy blue eyes and asks, “Does that mean…am I allowed to…to initiate hugs?”
“’Course you can.” Dean opens his arms out to Cas.
It’s awkward and Cas crosses their arms weird as he collapses into Dean, but Dean doesn’t care. He pulls his angel closer and hugs him tightly.
“I like this invention,” Cas says into Dean’s shoulder.
Dean chuckles. “Me too, pal.”
“I appreciate all that you have done for me, Dean. I hope you know that.” Cas whispers.
“All we did was ask you for help. You did the rest.”
“Perhaps. But you have given me a home and for that I will be eternally grateful.”
Dean’s face feels hot, and he has to blink back tears because when Cas says “eternally” he means it. If he lives long enough, he’s promising to remember Dean and Sammy and Bobby forever. That’s…that’s a lot of care and it’s a lot to process. This must be how Cas feels about his puny little human friends loving him back.
Dean clears his throat. “You do know that when I said not to change, I meant that I like being your friend and I just…I want good things to happen to you.”
“I understand. But Dean, I must tell you that I will suffer any fate and tread any difficult path so long as it allows me to remain by your side.”
Oh.
That’s why Cas stays in 2014.
Dean’s eyes water and he buries his face in Cas’s shoulder, trying his best not to cry.
“Dean?” Cas sounds worried. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m sorry, Cas.” Dean whispers.
Because he is. He is so sorry. Especially because he’s selfish and if he had the chance to take it all back, he wouldn’t. He would wish for Cas to stay by his side every time no matter the consequences. That’s so fucking selfish.
“What are you sorry for?” Cas asks.
“What staying with me will do to you.” Dean sniffles.
Cas hugs Dean tighter. “It’s not your fault, Dean. This is my choice. Don’t take on burdens that are not yours to bear.”
“You’re my friend, Cas. If you hurt, I hurt. That’s how it works.”
“Is it?”
“I guess. I don’t have a lot of friends.”
“Neither do I.” Cas chuckles, “I suppose we’re both figuring it out as we go.”
“Yeah, I guess we are.” Dean pulls away.
Cas reaches out and brushes away Dean’s tears with his thumb. His movements are so gentle. Dean’s not sure what he expected. It’s just that Cas is a literal angelic warrior of Heaven. And Dean’s just a human. And yet, here Cas is, wiping away Dean’s tears. Dean can’t remember the last time someone did that for him. It’s…nice to be taken care of.
He’s at a loss for words so he waits until Cas is done. Then he takes his outstretched hand and gives it a little squeeze. Cas’s hand feels warm in his own. Holding it makes Dean feel steadier and he tries not to think too much about that. But part of him wants to. It’s the end of the world and Dean is tired of denying himself the privilege of feelings.
“We will persevere, Dean.” Cas squeezes Dean’s hand back. “I have faith in us.”
Cas is staring right into Dean’s eyes, and he sounds so sure.
Dean doesn’t know what to say. So, they stay just like this as a cool October breeze rustles the leaves in the nearby trees. Dean’s a little cold, but he doesn’t move. He doesn’t dare break the moment.
Dean doesn’t know what this is but…that’s okay. He’s just glad he’s not alone. Neither of them is. Not anymore. Because they have each other. And they still have time to figure this out.