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The mountains suit Loki. At least, living at the foot of them seems to suit him. The solitude allows him to practice the more arcane of his magics, as well as provide endless amounts of snow in the winter when he wants to traipse around in his proper skin and learn the ins and outs of his heritage. Coming to Midgard near the end of summer suits him, for the transition is a gentle one from the climes of Asgard, though managing to insert himself into Midgardian culture properly is a difficult one.
The initial fear that his magic would run out is unfounded, for it only depletes in the normal way, and returns to normal levels after rest and full meals. At the same time, however, it feels strange to use it on Midgard now that he has to call the place home (and he doesn't know how to feel about that, either) so he tends to use it sparingly, trying to adapt to a life on a tiny planet where only a few people know who he is, and only one knows exactly where.
Darcy has been surprisingly helpful to him over the months; she takes a shine to him when, as she says, he's not being "a complete douche" and without her assistance, he'd still be living off his magic and hoping that no one figures out what he's doing. Somehow she manages to procure him a Midgardian ID card and other periphery, though when he asks her how she's done it (since Darcy doesn't look like the kind of person that knows how to perpetrate fraud or theft) she just smiles at him and tells him that if she tells him, she'll have to kill him. He scoffs initially, but the look in her eyes makes him wonder for a moment if there's more to Darcy Lewis than he thinks there is. The papers enable him to get a job at a small bookshop at the base of the mountain; the people that frequent it are tourists for the resort nearby, but nothing could remove his love for books and learning. The proprietor uses Loki's skills to re-organize the entire place and, after a few months of working there the owner allows him to take care of the shop alone. It seems plebeian, almost, the pleasure that he gets from this promotion, but this mortal has given his skills more recognition than anyone seems to have done in the past decades.
sighs and sweat and blood, thor poised over him licking stripes down his back, fingers twisted inside of him, fresh from battle and thor whispers in his ears praise and love as he fucks him "you're brilliant, loki, so brilliant, we would have lost without you" and loki comes apart, wailing his pleasure as thor bites into the meat of his shoulder and fills him up in a way that no one else has ever been able to do, in a way that no one else ever will
Darcy comes to visit at least once a month, more if she can wrangle it, but the trip is long by car so more often than not he has to wait for her to be able to afford the plane ticket from Puente Antiguo to Colorado. She brings him gossip about what goes on at SHIELD and how Jane's research is going, but more important than that she brings films to watch and new technology to slowly bring him into the modern world. The first time she visits him, she brings him a phone that she still won't tell him the origin of, or who's paying the bill (he expects that she is, but the cagey thing won't tell him no matter how much he flatters her) but it's a welcome piece of technology. The Midgardian internet is a wonderful thing and makes searching for news and history so much easier than returning to the library time after time, and the fact that Darcy can contact him on a whim is a welcome side-effect.
He discovers that he likes horror movies and bribes Darcy into bringing them to him by showing her his magic, something that gives him a thrill of happiness every time that she gushes over some simple trick he's been doing since he was a child. He also likes Mexican food - his kingdom for a good chimichanga - but loathes Chinese food. Getting a pizza becomes a ritual the first night Darcy is in town, and they get rip-roaring drunk as well, collapsing into Loki's bed to sleep it off (though Loki almost always charms Darcy's hangover away, unless she deserves it for something). He realizes that though he likes the idea of haute couture, he prefers a simple uniform of soft t-shirts and well-worm jeans, sometimes a cardigan or a sweater, and sturdy boots to stomp through the snow when it's not possible for him to be Jotun. Darcy likes to buy him ironic t-shirts and he has quite a collection - three tightly-packed drawers, in fact - and when she gives him 10 more for Christmas he almost contemplates telling her to stop bringing them to him, but he likes them far too much to actually put it into words. In return he buys her mugs and keychains from the places he visits, because Darcy drinks a lot of tea and coffee and has an undying love for kitsch. It's unhealthy, but the look on her face when he gives her more novelty crap makes him smile, and he wonders, is this what it's like to have friends?
"they're your friends too, loki," thor tells him but he knows it's not true and he tells thor as much, but thor looks broken after the words leave loki's mouth and he wishes that he could take them back, make the smile reappear on thor's face, but thor has to know that they're not his friends, they just put up with him, but thor just presses a kiss to his temple and whispers into his hair that what's his is loki's as well, and nothing will ever change that
It's just spring, the middle of April, and Loki's waiting for Darcy's text to let him know that she's leaving for the airport and will be in Colorado in a few hours. He putters around the house, cleaning up what little mess there is, thinking about what kind of pizza they should get and if he's got enough rum to make it through the night or if he should run to the grocer's before Darcy gets there.
you're going to kill me
What makes you say that? I have yet to do so.
no, this time i know it, you're going to smite me and make me burst into flames or st
Really, Darcy? Melodramatics don't suit you.
oooo 5$ word, you fancy you. that's not the point tho
Why will I be smiting you, then? I'd like to know the reason so I can manage a suitable death.
remember when i said that people wonder where i fuck off to once a month and people were getting curious?
Yes, you complained endlessly about the loss of your privacy.
yeah well now you're going to lose yours too bucko
What?
i may or may not have 2 or more human cargo with me
It takes Loki a moment to quell the urge to throw his phone across the room and gleefully watch it smash into a million tiny pieces and then get the fuck out of Dodge, but after a moment of contemplation, Loki decides that he can put up with Darcy's two mortal cohorts as long as they get a hotel room and don't presume that they're allowed to stay in his house.
loki?
I'm not going to kill you, only maim. I suppose I don't mind if your two mortals come along, though I can't say I'm pleased about it. At least Erik will have a modicum of intelligence, but I can't make any promises about being nice to that woman.
The next text takes a few minutes to arrive. i'm afraid that you're only half right on who's coming. remember that thing i was telling you about, the avengers initiative?
The implication takes a while to sink in.
loki?
i knew it
i'm going to die
please kill me quickly
loki?
You're right, Darcy.
i am?
I'm going to kill you.
In the time it takes for Loki to calm down, a full set of dishes is in pieces and in the garbage and there's a curious scorch mark in his backyard. He's sunk into his favorite chair, glass of whiskey dangling from his fingertips. He feels numb, almost, except for the roiling nervousness centred somewhere in his midsection. This is not what he wanted. He wanted to live his life here on Midgard, staying young while everyone else fades away, being himself and getting in trouble without the worries that he had while still in Asgard. He wanted to stay Darcy's friend, her companion, hidden away from the people that hurt him the most, hidden away from the politicking and bickering of Asgard that he has only now realized he hated, hated what it made him and his brother and his life.
we're leaving the aiport now. i'm sorry, loki, i really am
i just didn't know what to do and you know how jane is and i felt like i didn't have a choice
i don't even know if they know it's you, they just kept going on about meeting my friend
loki?
I'm not angry with you, Darcy. I'm angry at the situation. This always happens.
i know
i'm sorry
you're my best friend, loki. is this going to ruin things? i don't want it to ruin things
You're my best friend as well, Darcy. Don't worry. I'll figure it out.
ok <3
I refuse to send that annoying heart back to you but the sentiments are returned.
He drops his phone back on the table and finishes his whiskey. He has about an hour for them to get to his house and decides that he does not have nearly enough liquor to get him through the night. This will require far more liquor and food to make his survival of this more likely.
He goes out to get food and liquor and discovers that, once he gets back home, he's bought liquor that he knows Thor will like and he contemplates smashing it in the sink to fight the classical conditioning that his life seems to be centred around, but that would be a waste of 30 well-earned dollars (or, at least, that's what he tells himself).
thor has four great loves: fighting, fucking, food, and loki, and he likes to combine them in as many iterations as he possibly can, so when thor pours a jar of honeyed mead over his back loki spares only a moment to contemplate the mess that he'll have to clean up later before his attention returns to thor sucking the flavor from the divots of his spine and the dip between his shoulders, rutting into his thigh and moaning, teasing him with gentle nips before starting to open him with his fingers
When he hears the car pull into his drive, Loki almost cries with the anger that boils inside of him but he turns it off, puts his mask back on, and pulls the door open. Darcy bounds up the driveway, leaving that woman in the dust, and whips the screen door open. She pulls him down into a hug, burying her face in the crook of his neck and whispers, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Loki, I didn't mean to, Loki. Will you ever forgive me?"
Loki almost tells her no, never but he presses a kiss to her head and whispers back, "There's nothing to forgive, Darcy," and she lets out a single sob, fingers tightening into the fabric of his shirt before she pulls away. Her face is red and blotched but she smiles at him, hesitantly, and he returns it because it's Darcy and she would never do anything to hurt him. She turns as Jane and his not-brother make their way up the walk, and Thor stops at the edge of the steps, staring up at him as Darcy winds an arm around Loki's waist.
"Brother?"
The word alone is enough to set his teeth on edge, lips pulled back in a snarl, and he bites out the same words he used in the Observatory: "I'm not your brother. I never was." He pulls Darcy into the house and lets the screen door slam behind him, leaving it up to Jane or Thor to make their way into the house. His nausea returns, nerves firing all along his skin, and he pulls away from Darcy and barely makes it to the bathroom before vomiting up expensive whiskey and breakfast. He rests his head against the cool porcelain, wishing that he could just vanish but he wouldn't leave Darcy to deal with his brother in the shape he'll be in. Someone comes in and hands him a glass of cold water and he knows without looking that it's Thor.
"Go away."
"If you truly wish me to do so, I will."
Loki laughs brokenly. "You have no idea how much I wish you would, but you and I both know that you won't leave until you're satisfied that I'm broken and behaving myself around your precious mortals."
Loki can hear Thor's weight settle against the sink and Thor sighs. "I have no desire for that, Loki."
Loki throws the half-empty glass of water at him and Thor manages to dodge it, and it shatters somewhere behind him. His nausea is gone, replaced by anger and hate and malice, and he must be going mad. "No desire for it, Thor? None? No desire to see Loki Liesmith where he deserves to be after trying to do the best thing for Asgard because you are too blind to see the damage you could have wrought? No desire to bend me and break me as they tried to do so long ago? What shall you sew my lips shut with this time, Thor?"
He staggers to his feet and grabs Thor around the collar, surprising him enough to be able to shake him back and forth a few times. "Perhaps golden thread, this time, or something doused in salt water not only to burn but to remove my ability to cut it? Maybe a volatile metal that will react with water, to kill me as I bleed?"
Thor wraps his hands around Loki's wrists and all of a sudden Loki's pressed against the bathroom wall and Loki doesn't know how he's gotten there and the laugh that escapes from his throat is strangled and crazed and almost foreign to his ears. "What will it be, not-brother? What will the great Thor choose?"
There's a split second where Loki thinks that Thor's going to hit him, to finally snap and fight him again and Loki delights in that because there's nothing like a good fight to get things out in the open. Then Thor's lips are on his and biting him and Loki opens his mouth to Thor (a perfect example of classical conditioning if there ever was one) and it's not so much kissing as it is trying to get the other to bleed and relent, but this is something that neither will ever do and they both know it. Thor presses his hips to Loki's and there, the weight of Thor against him once more is enough to make him arch up and wrap a leg around Thor's waist, trying to get the right leverage to have Thor holding him up.
Loki threads his fingers through Thor's hair and yanks backwards, pulling a startled yelp from his lips and Loki sinks his teeth into the curve of Thor's throat and this is how it's going to be, this is how it has to be right now, fighting and fucking and blood. They rut against each other and one of Thor's hands is trying to worm its way into the back of Loki's jeans but they're too tight and Loki pulls away from Thor's throat just long enough to get them undone and pushed off his hips just enough so that Thor's grasping bare skin. His hands are large and warm and it's like being shoved into a furnace and someone's making these noises and when Loki realizes that he's doing it he's almost embarrassed, almost, but then Thor shoves thick fingers into his mouth and oh.
Loki knows where this going and he knows Thor's impatience like he knows his own, and at the moment he's thankful that Thor had enough patience to open him up, even it if it's only a little. Loki must get lost inside his own head, because the next thing he knows Thor's fingers are in him, crooked and searching and it's good, so good, it's been far too long for this. Thor's panting against his neck, the sweat rolling down his brow and onto Loki and he even smells like Loki remembers, like nothing has changed, like they were never apart and nothing had gone wrong. Thor finds it, the little bundle of nerves that can make Loki wail if Thor times things right, works him long enough, but all Thor gives him is a moment of blinding whiteness before Thor's pulling away, fumbling with his own clothes.
It's not going to be enough to make things easy or pain-free, but that's not their goal, that's not what they want (and in this moment it's they again, not Thor and Loki but them, their two souls as they were meant to be) but Thor won't hurt him unduly, just enough to make Loki feel it. Thor lets him go for a moment and Loki strips himself of his pants as Thor does the same, and when he looks at Thor again he can't help the sound of want that escapes through his lips, the moan that he tries to hold back but can't, because this is so right. Loki's so hard it hurts and Thor has to be the same way, has to be feeling as Loki does because Thor looks absolutely feral, his pupils so dilated that there's hardly any blue left. He slams Loki against the wall again and Loki wraps both legs around Thor's waist, pressing into Thor and moaning as Thor's cock brushes against him and his mind shouts so close so close so close.
He can feel Thor quivering against him and Loki almost wants to beg him to fuck him, to make him Thor's again but he can't because that would mean he has lost, and that's not going to happen, not now, but then Thor spits into his palm, stroking himself a few times before he begins to press into Loki.
It takes far too long and Loki wants him, wants him so badly, but he's not stupid, he knows what Thor wants and how to give it to him, so he lets Thor dictate the pace. Thor kisses him again, gentle this time, licks up the side of his face and Loki wants to be disgusted and hate him, ruin him, but it's Thor, and this is how it should have been. The burn is ridiculous but it's grounding, perfect, and he wasn't stretched enough and Thor knows that he knows, but they don't care.
Then, then, Thor's finally fully seated and Loki tightens his arms around Thor's neck and Thor starts to fuck him, slow at first but then it's brutal and neither of them will last long since it's been so long, too long for them. The wall creaks and Loki wonders for a moment if Thor's going to fuck him into the next room, straight through the plaster and the frame of the building, covered in dust and sweat and spit. Thor hooks his elbows under Loki's knees and on the next thrust Loki sees stars bursting behind his eyelids and his head slams back into the wall and this time he's the one that yelps. Thor grins with triumph and his cock drags over that spot, over and over until Loki's not sure where he ends and Thor begins, the blood pounding in his head and making him dizzy with want and affection.
He's close and Thor knows it, dragging kisses across his face, beard scratching and rubbing, until he presses his lips against Loki's ear and whispers to him, "Come for me, the holder of my heart." Loki's nails scrabble against Thor's shoulders and he sobs his pleasure, head thrown back and Thor takes the chance to sink his teeth into Loki's throat, marking Loki as his once more. Thor fucks him through his orgasm, waiting for Loki to finish before hitching Loki higher in his arms, using him for his pleasure until Thor finally, finally comes, panting words of affection into Loki's throat.
They stay like that, Loki pinned up against the wall and Thor breathing against his throat for an amount of time that Loki can't name, until his comfort wins out over his contentment and he pushes Thor away, one last moan scraping its way out of his throat. They don't speak as they clean themselves up, and Loki would be embarrassed but he just doesn't have the energy, well-fucked and content. He's pretty sure that Darcy is going to complain about being scarred for life and he doesn't give a damn about what Jane has to say, but the silence that wraps around them isn't the normal silence they used to have; this is awkward and heavy, oppressive and too warm.
Loki sits on the edge of the tub while Thor washes his hands, and when Thor turns to him all the things that Loki wants to tell him, all the hate that's built up, vanishes and he can't think of what he should say or how he should act. It's like his mind is a blank slate as Thor looks down at him, those familiar eyes, and Loki wants him again, wants him even more than he thinks is possible. For once in his life, he has no words, nothing to try and tell Thor about his feelings, about what Thor made him feel for the time that they've been apart, for the times that Loki needed Thor and he wasn't there.
Thor presses a kiss to his forehead and Loki leans into it, lets Thor trace his lips down Loki's face but pulls away when Thor goes to press their lips together, and Thor sighs. "What can I do to prove to you that you are the moon and the stars to me? That you are what is important to me?"
"Your time on Midgard has filled your head with their nonsense phrases, more words that are empty and mean nothing to you in the long run. I mean nothing to you, just something that you once loved and now no longer want. Otherwise, you would have never left me, you would have never fallen in love with that woman," Loki finally bites out, anger brought back by the thought that Thor thinks things can just go back to how they were, that Loki will just accept Thor's stupidity once more. "Why should I listen to you when you hardly ever listen to me?"
Thor pulls away from him, astonished. "Is that what you think, Loki? Do you really think you mean so little to me?" He kneels down in front of Loki - and what Loki would have given to see that a year ago, the mighty Thor kneeling for him - and cups Loki's face in his hands. "When I was banished, my thoughts were only for you, what you might do without me and what I would have to do to return to you. When you let go - I thought my world was ending. What was the point of going on if you were not there to mock me and love me and show me my wrongs?"
He stretches up to kiss Loki and Loki lets him this time, lets Thor lick his way into his mouth until Thor has re-mapped all of it, committed it to memory once again and Loki feels his heart warm, just a little, just enough.
"So what now, Thor? What will you do? I have no desire to be under the thumb of the Allfather, I have no desire to go back to a place where my skills and talents mean nothing. What do you wish from me? I cannot offer you anything until I know what you want," Loki murmurs, words floating from lips to lips and felt more than heard.
"I do not want to bargain with you, Loki."
"It is only a bargain if you make it so, Thor." Loki pulls away and he's never seen Thor so intent on something, never seen his eyes so blue as they are in this moment and it takes his breath away, makes his heart stutter in his chest and he doesn't know what to do with it because it's so foreign now, so much something that he hasn't had in such a long while.
His hands clench around the edge of the bathtub and they just sit, staring at each other, until Thor exhales slowly. "We have wronged each other in equal measure. We have not listened to each other as we used to do. We have used what we know of the other to hurt rather than to keep each other safe as we once did. I would like to have that with you again, Loki, but I know that the wrongs may be too many and too deep."
Loki sits immobile, contemplating Thor's words. He will admit that there were some things that were done incorrectly, that he used his magic to hurt Thor more than he would have done in times previous. They are opposite sides of a coin, they are equal and opposite reactions. Perhaps that is the reason that no things have gone well in the more recent years; an unbalanced equation is never a good thing to have. Volatile reactions will ruin the best-laid foundations. He says as much to Thor, and is rewarded with one of those blinding smiles that make his eyes crinkle at the corners and the sun shine brighter.
Thor takes his hands in his, pressing wet kisses that are more tongue than lip to the valleys between his knuckles. "I promise you, Loki, we will figure our differences out and our union will be more beautiful than anything that has ever been. This is what we were made for, Loki. Being with wach other."
Loki nods and a shock of electricty passes between them, a joyous reaction of magic that Loki has never been able to control and that makes Thor's grin wider, even if it didn't seem possible. "Then you have my word, Thor, I shall attempt to do the same - though there is much that you must answer for, much that you must explain and there is much that I must explain. It shan't be easy."
"The best things never are, brother."