Archive of Our Own

Summer

He saw him for the first time in the summer.

Midday heat, sweat beading on his forehead and cherry blossoms blooming in the distance. It was summer in all of it’s capacity; the air was heavy, the wind sweet, and he was a few feet away from Taehyung, who was sitting in a field of daisies with his pen to his notebook.

sometimes i like to pretend

love is like a flower

that’s blooming always 

Taehyung has never been in love, but the urge to write about it never lessens with the fact. He found it in other forms scattered out in front of him, like daisies and cherry blossoms in the summer. 

Love was all around in different ways. So he began working on things, his head always tucked down writing in his journal. Recently, he’d been working on another poem. It was nothing special yet, Taehyung thinks he’d have to fall in love for it to be special. 

“Who’s that? ” Taehyung puts his pen down- he was getting nowhere with the poem, anyway.

The sun gleams through Sana’s dyed ginger hair and she puts her hand up, shielding her eyes from the sun. “The one over there?” She points, squinting her eyes to get a better look. 

“Yeah.” Taehyung replies, fixating his gaze across the field. “Tallish, brown hair, grey hoodie...” Taehyung tells her, falling more and more captive to the stranger’s good looks as he speaks.

“Dunno.” She tells him.

“Such a great help you are...” Taehyung sighs dramatically.

Sana laughs, shoving his shoulder gently. “Hey, you don’t know who he is either!” Taehyung only smiles at her in response and he nods. “Yeah, but I want to.”

The pair nod, both watching him walk by on the sidewalk adjacent to the field, neither of the two plagued with the shame of completely gawking at a stranger. Sana clicks her tongue beside him, pursing her lips in thought. “He’s walking with a nurse,” She observes. “Do you think he’s sick?”

Taehyung shakes his head. “No. He’s perfect.”

“Perfect people can be sick too, Tae.” 

“No.” Taehyung tells her again. He catches a glimpse of the stranger’s eyes as he passes by, their eyes lock for a second and any sane person would look away. Taehyung doesn’t. Because he’s dead set on knowing him.

Intrigued by Taehyung’s odd behavior, the stranger tilts his head. His eyes are amused and his cheeks rise with a smile. 

Sana hits Taehyung’s lap twice. “Oh fuck he’s coming over here.” She warns, picking up her book quickly and acting preoccupied.

Taehyung just smiles. “I know.” He tells her, and he breaks eye contact just before the stranger arrives. He picks up his pen, turns his notebook to a new page, and he writes:

I met you in the summer .

Then he closes it.

“Wanna explain what’s up with the beady eyes?” He laughs beautifully when he stands in front of Taehyung. Sana peeks over her book, not knowing what to say because of course , she was busy with her book and not staring at all. Taehyung just shrugs. 

“You’re kind of beautiful.” He tells him. It’s truthful for the most part- the only lie found in the kind of because he was completely beautiful. 

The stranger’s cheeks bloom red, and he laughs shly. Taehyung thinks he must not get complimented a lot, but it feels impossible that people wouldn’t compliment him. “Oh..uh thank you.” He says, looking down at his feet. 

“Just the truth.” Taehyung tells him.

There’s a few beats of silence. 

“What’s your name?” The stranger asks.

“Taehyung.” He replies. “And yours?”

“Jeongguk.” 

Jeongguk.

“Well, Jeongguk .” Taehyung begins, already loving the way his name feels. “Is there a reason you wanted to know my name?” He asks and Jeongguk only shrugs, pressing his lips together in a slight smile. 

“You’re kind of beautiful, too.” He tells him, lifting his brow up in a smirk.

Taehyung blushes, shaking his head. “I’m not beautiful.” He says. He’s not beautiful, not in the slightest and Jeongguk would know if they weren’t just strangers to each other.

“You are, though.” Jeongguk refutes. “And you’re coming to get coffee with me.” 

“Don’t like it.” 

“Hot chocolate, then.” 

Taehyung huffs, pursing his lips. “It’s summer.”

“Tea then.”

“Tea is bitter.”

Jeongguk chuckles lightly. “You’re the one that called me beautiful.” He reminds him, shoving his hands into his pocket. Taehyung smiles a bit, imagining that it’s one of his nervous habits, and he realizes he wants to know that kind of stuff about the stranger in front of him; all of his habits, not just the nervous ones. So maybe it’s that, that sells him on Jeongguk.

He glances over at Sana, who makes a pushing motion with her hand telling him to go. He sighs, mostly to himself, and he decides to go. 

“Maybe hot chocolate in the summer isn’t so bad.” He gives in, closing his notebook.

He stands up and brushes the bits of grass and broken daisy petals off of his pants and he steps forward, closer to Jeongguk. Just before they walk off, Taehyung pauses. 

“You’re not sick, right?”

“No, why?”

A smile spreads on Taehyung’s lips and he shakes his head. “Nothing, never mind.” 

The walk is almost completely silent and Taehyung thinks he’s made a mistake. Just because Jeongguk is pretty, doesn’t mean that he’s interesting. So they walk, hands in their pockets and mouths sealed shut- both either too afraid or shy to open them.

“I’ll order the drinks.” Jeongguk tells Taehyung when they walk into the cafe. Taehyung only smiles and nods, and he tells him that he’s going to get them a table in the back of the cafe. 

He notices that the back is nearly empty, which is what he wants. Taehyung hates being around people, he doesn’t hate people per say but when they come in a surplus amount he isn’t necessarily inclined to like them.

Plus, people make things complicated and he really doesn’t want things to be complicated with Jeongguk.

He wants it to be simple, just the two of them and whatever blossoms between them. That’s it. 

“One hot chocolate.” Jeongguk sets his drink down in front of him with a sweet smile and Taehyung swears he’s seen the face of innocence. It almost makes him feel bad, seeing the blinding happiness pour from the other’s features. Taehyung thanks him for the drink and watches him settle in his seat in front of him.

“So,” Jeongguk starts, pursing his lips out slightly. He pulls the stopper from the opening of his coffee cup and he sips the hot drink without hesitation. “How do you usually get to know the beautiful strangers you pick up on the sidewalk?” 

Taehyung snorts, stopping his coffee cup at his lips and pressing it gently against them. “You’re really letting that beautiful comment get to your head, huh?” He teases, relaxing into his chair and taking a slow sip of his drink.

As it turns out, hot chocolate isn’t bad in the summer. Not at all, actually.

Jeongguk shrugs with a shit eating grin on his face. 

“Believe it or not, I’ve never done this before.” Taehyung tells him honestly. Jeongguk doesn’t look that surprised, a little flattered? Yes. Taehyung has done his fair share of stroking the boy’s ego. 

“Oh yeah?” Jeongguk inquires, amusement playing on his lips and creeping up into his eyes. “Good to know.” He tells him, holding his coffee tightly in his hands and letting out a soft breath.

“Good to know?”

“That you don’t always go out calling random guys beautiful.” 

Taehyung chuckles at that. “Oh yeah, that’s just for you.” He tells him, dropping a flirty wink without a second thought. “I wouldn't want you to not feel special.” 

“I am special, don’t you think?” Jeongguk bats his eyes at Taehyung dramatically, flipping his medium length hair out of his face. “Hm?”

“Yeah.” Taehyung answers under the guise of a laugh. “Pretty special.” 

Evening has cascaded over the city now. It’s nearly dark, but the heat still weighs on Taehyung’s shoulders heavily. It’s a little harder to breathe, walking to the end of the block with Jeongguk. 

“How do you suggest we get to know each other?” Jeongguk asks him, looking at Taehyung who sighs when the question is asked. 

“Not sure.” He admits, shrugging his shoulders. “Depends on why you want to get to know me.” 

A smile spreads on his lips and he knocks his shoulder with Jeongguk’s gently. The younger blushes, his tongue darting out and smoothing over his lips. “Well,” He begins, nerves peeking on his tongue. “I was kind of hoping to see you again.” He tells him.

Taehyung raises his eyebrows. “Just to see me again?” He inquires.

“Well no,” Jeongguk refutes, shaking his head. He’s still wearing a gentle, shy smile. He stops walking, and Taehyung stops with him. When he does, Jeongguk takes a deep breath, tilting his head up and exhaling heavily. “I was kind of hoping you’d go on an actual date with me?”

Cute. Taehyung thinks. Jeon Jeongguk is very cute.

“Twenty questions, then.” He replies, turning forward again and continuing their walk.

“Twenty questions?” Jeongguk repeats, amused at the other’s suggestion.

“Mhm.” Taehyung nods simply. “You first.”

“Okay, Why’d you ask me if I was sick?” He asks. 

Taehyung sighs, pushing his teeth against his bottom lip gently. “Saw you with a nurse earlier.” He says simply. It’s not a lie, though it’s not the complete truth either.

“Ah.” Jeongguk nods with realization. “That’s my brother, Namjoon.” 

“Oh, I see.” 

“Your turn.” 

“Okay...um what’s your number?”

“Smooth.”

“Had to take my chances.”

Taehyung holds his hand out, requesting Jeongguk’s phone and he gives it to him, awaiting the newly added contact in his list. As Taehyung types his number in the younger’s phone, he sees a smile tug on Jeongguk’s lips and if it’s possible for a heart to leap in a million different ways, then Taehyung’s does. 

“You better text me later.” He tells him, handing over his phone. 

“I might.” 

Taehyung rolls his eyes, though the smile spreading on his lips contradicts his annoyance. “Next question.” 

“Are you sick?”

“Uh-”, Taehyung glances at Jeongguk haphazardly, a little taken back by the question. “No repeat questions.” He tells him

“Bu-”

“Those are the rules.” 

Taehyung knows that technically it isn’t a repeat question, and that technically it is not a rule. But technicalities aren’t something he’s particularly hung up on.  Jeongguk laughs a little, brushing it off and shaking his head like it’s no big deal, maybe he thinks Taehyung is trying to be cute and hard to get. On the contrary, Taehyung’s heart is beating a little too hard and fast against his chest and he can hear it in his ears, a little bit over the muse of Jeongguk’s laugh.

“Okay then, what do you do?” Jeongguk asks instead. Taehyung kind of doesn’t do anything, so he answers the question as honestly as he can. “I write poems.” He tells him. A distinct heat spreads on his cheeks, he’d never been embarrassed to tell others about his poems before. In fact, they were taped everywhere on the walls of his room. 

An assortment of words adorn those walls and he wasn’t ashamed of a single one of them, because they were his. He’d written so many poems about love, ever since he was thirteen sitting in a room of white. He thinks he might have written a million, maybe even more. 

Jeongguk looks intrigued by this.“Good ones?” He muses softly, almost like a hum and Taehyung is permanently aware of the butterflies in his stomach. He chews on his inner lip and he shrugs, still shy. He didn’t know if they were good- he liked to think they were. “Poems about love.” He tells him. 

“Can I read them?” Taehyung laughs. “You’ve asked like three questions in one turn.” 

No. He can’t read them, because he’s never been in love. Maybe Taehyung will write love poems about Jeongguk, then he can read them. But for now, Taehyung’s poems reside splattered on the walls of his room, and they’ll remain there reminding him that he’d never found love in the form of anything but trivial things. Though when he turns his head, waiting for Jeongguk’s response, he thinks he sees a glimmer of it- real love- in the way his eyes smile before his mouth ever thinks of it. He laughs. “Okay, okay fine. Next question.” 

He hadn’t been thinking of his next question, because he was very much occupied getting lost in what he thinks is love at first sight. “Okay uh...” He purses his lips, thinking. “What do you do?” Jeongguk chuckles slightly, turning to look at Taehyung. “No repeat questions?”

He blushes. “ Fine. ” He sighs. “Do you have a job and if you don’t then how do you spend your days?” His smile is smug and satisfied with the mere rewording of the previous question. “Hmm,” Jeongguk steps ahead of him and turns so he’s in front of him, Taehyung stops walking and stands still in front of Jeongguk who’s smiling at him like he saved a nation in his past life- which he didn’t, considering it’s all he can do to get through this one. “I’m a sophomore at Chugye University.” He tells him.

Taehyung smiles haphazardly, a little envious of him. “An arts school?” He inquires, lifting his brows. Jeongguk nods, “What do you study?” Taehyung asks, getting swept up in the imagery of being an art student. Late nights, coffees before class, exhibits, and friends. It was all far away and impossible for him to reach. 

“Photography.” Jeongguk tells him, and Taehyung can picture it. Jeongguk walking around campus, camera hanging loose around his neck but not as loose as the baggy sweater that hides the slim figure under it. He’d be carrying a hot coffee, only setting it down to take pictures of the things that captivate him. “Wanna take my picture?” Taehyung asks him, stepping a little closer.

The summer air between them is thick, and the wind brushes past their bodies gently. They remain stoic, unmoving, and Jeongguk’s cheeks stain pink within seconds. “Look who’s getting carried away with the questions nowww,” He drags out, pushing Taehyung away gently. He’s almost offended, but within that same movement Jeongguk is pulling him closer and wrapping his arm around Taehyung’s shoulders.

They continue walking, now no space left between their bodies. Taehyung tries to play it cool, but Jeongguk is so warm- maybe the warmest person Taehyung has ever met. “Do you?” Taehyung asks, not letting go of his previous question.“Of course.” Jeongguk answers. 

 They stop at the end of the sidewalk, and Taehyung assumes that Jeongguk lives in the apartments a few blocks down. He hopes Jeongguk doesn’t assume where he lives. Jeongguk takes his picture before they part, they don’t kiss or anything though the tight air between them urges them to do otherwise. It’s too soon, so for now Taehyung just leans against the telephone pole on the corner of the sidewalk and raises his lips into a soft smile and Jeongguk smiles at the picture on his phone. “Perfect.” He tells him, and no Taehyung has to disagree because perfect is rare, never is it found in the same place and Jeongguk was the perfect one between the two. 

The walls are blindingly white and the visitors are stationary in their seats when Taehyung returns. It’s pretty late, so he assumes that they’re staying the night- too afraid to leave their loved ones here alone. Taehyung gets it, he hates it here alone. It’s too noisy but at the same time it’s too quiet and everything is too bright and the stench of sanitizer is too stout.

Sneaking into his room proves a little harder than he initially thought it would be because when a certain nurse catches sight of Taehyung, he stands up with his eyes set on the patient and his chin protruding. The nurse was relatively new, Taehyung only knew him because he was assigned to him; he was young and handsome, standing tall and built with muscles, he was someone Taehyung envied, he was also someone who Jeongguk was walking with that afternoon.

“Nurse Kim.” Taehyung greets with an elevated tone. “How are you this...” He checks his clock. 11:37 pm “...lovely nig-” Nurse Kim, otherwise known as Namjoon, cuts him short. “You missed your appointment.” He tells him bluntly.

The thing is, Taehyung already knew this. “Yeah but I was out with perhaps the cutest boy that I’ve ever see-” 

Namjoon interrupts him again. Rude. 

“Taehyung, you’re recovering from a liver transplant.” He tells him like he doesn’t already know. Like he knew nothing of the cancer that riddled his liver when he was thirteen, like he was absent from the uncountable surgeries, like he was completely unaware that a week ago he was on the table, unconscious, getting some dead guy’s liver. “Every appointment is-”

Taehyung cuts him off this time. “Important.” He says, looking him directly in the face. He’s ultimately unimpressed by Taehyung, and the younger sighs. “Every appointment is important, I know.” His stomach caves in and whatever high he was riding on deflates.

Because he was sick, and he’s not perfect, and his reality isn’t art universities and late night coffee runs with his classmates. 

Namjoon sighs. “I’m really glad you met someone though,” He always told Taehyung he was too lonely, that he was sick of seeing only Sana and his parents enter and leave his room, to which Taehyung would answer that he’d been in this state since he was thirteen. He’s nineteen now, so how the hell was he supposed to know people?

He’s glad he knows Jeongguk now, though.

Namjoon tells him that he rescheduled his appointment for the next day at 1pm with specific instructions to not miss it this time. 

With that, Taehyung turns the corner and slips into his room. The lamp on his side is switched on from earlier and the yellow light spreads on his wall covered in pen covered papers that hold the contents of Taehyung’s heart spilled out onto them. It made his room less white and sterile. 

“You’re back late.” Jimin chirps from the other side of the room. Taehyung chuckles a bit and turns to face him. He was dressed in pajamas, a matching set his boyfriend bought him a few weeks ago. He and Taehyung had shared a room for a few weeks now- both of them being in remission. 

Jimin was recovering from a bone marrow transplant, because leukemia was his fatal flaw. 

“Met someone.” He tells him and Jimin’s eyes light up underneath the beanie he wore perpetually because the chemo was harsh and he swears he looks horrendous the two inches of regrowth he had going on. 

“Someone you can write real love poems about?” He muses, laying back against his pillows. Taehyung smiles, slipping into his blankets after changing his clothes. “Maybe.” He tells him. “I hope so.” 

[xxx-xxx-xxxx: texted you]

[to, xxx-xxx-xxxx: i’m sorry, who is this? it’s been soooo long since i gave my number to someone]

[xxx-xxx-xxxx: kind of beautiful jeongguk, how could you forget?]

[xxx-xxx-xxxx: i’m actually a little bit offended]

[to,  kind of beautiful jeongguk: well imagine me last night, waiting for your text]

[kind of beautiful jeongguk: sorry pretty, had class] 

[to,  kind of beautiful jeongguk: pretty?]

[kind of beautiful jeongguk: c’mon, you know you’re pretty]

[kind of beautiful jeongguk: most importantly, you know i think you’re pretty.]

“He’s obsessed.” 

“You shoulda seen him last night...”

“How bad?”

“I think he stared at his phone until 4am-”

A contented sigh spills from Taehyung’s lips when he looks up from his phone with an even more contented smile. He locks the phone and drops it in his lap. “You know, typically I’d mind the commentary coming from you two,” He eyes Sana who’s sitting in the corner with a university book open on her lap and Jimin, who’s at the end of Taehyung’s bed. “but I’m so happy this morning that I don’t even care.” He says blissfully, and he lays back onto the mound of pillows stacked on his bed. 

“You’re ridiculous.” Sana laughs. She closes her books, because contrary to what she says she is very interested in Taehyung’s mystery boy.  Taehyung shrugs, picking his phone up. “Maybe I am.” He muses.

[to, kind of beautiful jeongguk: when are you taking me on a date, then?]

“But, at least I have a date.” Sana and Jimin’s eyes widen at the news, both of them leaning over their laps to get closer to Taehyung. “A date?!” They exclaim in unison, with synchronized tones and all. Taehyung puts his chin in his hands and nods happily, feeling like the main character of a 2000s chick-flick. 

“You didn’t tell me that last night!” Jimin shoves his shoulder playfully and Taehyung falls back into his pillows again. “You didn’t tell me anything last night, asshole.” Sana stands up, sitting beside Jimin on the bed but not before flicking Taehyung on the ear with all the force she could muster in her fingers.

He cusps his ear and squints in pain. “Ow, you bitch!” He says, all through laughter. “Sorry I was just tired last night.” He comes up with an excuse. It’s a lie, he was anything but tired last night. Like Jimin said, he stayed awake waiting for Jeongguk’s text long enough to see the break of dawn spill through their blinds. 

“You’re forgiven, I suppose.” Sana says, turning her head up. 

[kind of beautiful jeongguk: i wanna see you again as soon as possible.]

[kind of beautiful jeongguk: so, tonight?]

Namjoon makes his presence known then, clearing his throat in the corner of the room closest to the door. All three heads jolt up and acknowledge his presence. “Hi nurse Kim.” They all say in the same monotonous voice. He chuckles, striding over and parking himself beside Taehyung’s bed. “Don’t sound so excited to see me.” He muses with a slight smile, letting the three know it’s light hearted. He pulls his pen from the back of his clipboard and Taehyung sighs softly.

“1pm already?”

“Yep.” He mutters, concentrating on filling out a few minor details on the form attached to the clipboard. Taehyung pushes his lips out with another sigh. “I’ve only been up for an hour.” He complains, sitting at the edge of the bed and putting his arm out; liver transplants come with a lot of blood work and Taehyung is more than accustomed to the poking and prodding of his arms.

[to, kind of beautiful jeongguk: tonight, then.]

[to,  kind of beautiful jeongguk: nothing too crazy]

[to, kind of beautiful jeongguk: or late]

“So nurse Kim,” Taehyung starts, just as Namjoon sanitizes the crease of Taehyung’s arm with a piece of gauze coated cold with alcohol. “Hm?” He hums, pushing the needle into Taehyung’s vein. He doesn’t flinch with the prick. “Do you have any siblings?” He asks innocently. 

“Just one.” He answers, pulling the back of the syringe up. “Brother or sister?” Taehyung asks, watching his blood pour into the mid-section. It’s a pure red at first, only splattering lightly around the confines of the cylinder, and as more blood pours in it turns darker- Taehyung thinks it looks black. 

A lot of people think blood is purple, some say it’s blue, but most agree it’s red. But Taehyung has watched his own blood turn black in too many tubes to agree. 

“Brother.” 

“Tell me about him.”

Aside from the confused side-eye, Namjoon seems perfectly happy to talk about Jeongguk.

“His name is Jeongguk.” He tells him. Knew that. “He’s a photography major.” Knew that. “Uh and he’s... obsessed with video games.” He rolls his eyes at that fact but Taehyung finds himself having to hide the smile that creeps on his lips.

He can imagine it, Jeongguk binge playing video games until he’s sure his vision is permanently impaired. 

“He’s annoyingly great at them, though. He’s great at everything honestly, but he won’t ever admit it.” Taehyung nods, appreciating the information that Namjoon was just willingly offering him. “He sounds nice.” He tells him. Namjoon moves from blood samples to telling Taehyung to lay down and lifting his shirt up. He removes the bandage that lays over his stitches, “looking good” he mutters mostly to himself. “You’re taking your anti-rejection meds, right?”

“Yup.” Taehyung nods. “Every morning,  like clockwork.”   

Namjoon nods, jotting that down quickly. “And you’re feeling good?” Taehyung nods, answering silently. “Tell me more about your brother.”

Namjoon chuckles a bit and looks at Taehyung with confusion pulling on his brows. “Why?” At this, Taehyung shrugs. “Wanna live vicariously through him, I guess.” He lies. “You know I’ve always wanted to go to an art university.” He pouts, leaning forward on the nurse dramatically.

Namjoon laughs, pushing him off. “Okay, okay...” He concedes, picking up his clipboard and pausing to think of something more to tell Taehyung.

“He loves the Han River.” He says, nodding. “It’s like his favorite place in the world.” 

[kind of beautiful jeongguk: does pretty have a curfew?]

[to: kind of beautiful jeongguk: something like that]

[to: kind of beautiful jeongguk: let’s meet at the han river, 7pm.]

Namjoon leaves and Sana looks at him with this incredulous expression on her face. “Holy shit you’re talking to nurse Kim’s brother.” 

Taehyung presses his lips together in a tight smile. “Maybeee,” 

The three erupt in laughter. 

“Did you tell him?” Sana asks after the commotion dies down. 

“Namjoon? No.” 

“No.” Sana says a little more firmly. “did you tell him. ”

Taehyung shakes his head. “I’m better now.” He tells her with a shrug. “There’s no reason to tell him.” 

[kind of beautiful jeongguk: 7 at the han river it is]

It’s been years since Taehyung has been to the Han river. He remembers coming here when he was young, he isn’t sure how young. He just knows it was before thirteen, because that’s when his life kind of stopped, he remembers enough with vague memories of friends named Yoongi and Hoseok. For a second, he wonders what they’re up to; maybe they’d all three still be friends if Taehyung didn’t get sick. 

Jeongguk looks perfect walking up to him. 

They meet on a bridge hovering over the river. It’s beautiful here, though the water is clear, it’s painted with a slight brush of purple reflecting dusk that was settling above them. “Hi.” He greets him with a warm smile and Taehyung returns it trying to imitate the same warmth. “Hey.” He breaths leaning against the railing of the bridge. 

“Look nice.” Jeongguk tells him, and he steps closer to Taehyung. It’s the closest they’d ever been and only now can Taehyung see the mole pressed right under the boy’s lip. He smiles a bit, endeared by the feature and he brings his finger up to it, pressing it gently. “Cute.” He says. If Jeongguk is endeared, he doesn’t say anything about it. When Taehyung moves his finger off of the mole, Jeongguk grabs his wrist gently. 

“Pretty.” He says, and somehow Taehyung can tell that Jeongguk is looking at all of him. Not just the tiny, broken pieces. Taehyung isn’t expecting a kiss, but he welcomes it greedily when it happens. 

Butterflies flutter in his stomach when Jeongguk pulls him closer and meshes their lips together. He guesses it’s true what they say; all the fireworks shit is detrimentally true. It’s Taehyung’s first kiss, he doesn’t say anything to Jeongguk though. He just lets him take the virtue from him- more like he willingly gives it to him- and he wraps his arms around his neck kissing him back even deeper. It’s like the movies; a kiss in the dark as the moon rises on them. Jeongguk pulls away for a second, just slightly and it’s involuntary when Taehyung chases after his lips. The breath of Jeongguk’s chuckle cascades over Taehyung’s face and he presses his fingers under his chin gently. “I’ve been thinking about kissing you ever since I met you.” 

Taehyung’s insides melt- it’s nothing they haven’t experienced before- but it’s different this time. Taehyung is a person who’d been prodded, biopsied, and cut open. Yet, this boy was making all of those things cower in comparison to how torturous these god-damn butterflies were. 

He doesn’t know quite what to say, maybe the fatal blush on his cheeks says enough, so he just kisses him again. Slow and gentle is the way he kissed him and Jeongguk melts into it the same way Taehyung did. They kissed like that, slow and gentle under the moonlight as if sunlight didn’t exist and never would as long as their lips were glued. 

sometimes i like to pretend 

love is like a flower

that blooms always

whenever you want it

it’s always there

oozing from the petals 

sometimes i like to pretend

that love is something we have

sometimes,

sometimes 

i remember that love is nothing like a flower

it doesn’t bloom always

it dies each time it lives

and it doesn’t exist 

between us.

yet. 

Taehyung finishes his poem when the leaves begin changing colors and falling to their death on the ground where they are destined to get trampled by the feet of people too busy coming and going. Though, he must admit, he was excited to be going. 

“T-2 days until I’m out of here.” He sighs contently, laying back on his bed when Namjoon walks away with yet another sample of Taehyung’s blood. Everything was going great so far, they just had to keep checking to make sure. Though his appointments would get less and less frequent when he left. A small laugh plays on Namjoon’s lips and he nods, probably too concentrated on paperwork to offer a tangible reply. 

“Don’t worry, I won’t forget about you.” Taehyung says, exasperated, putting  an exaggerated hand on his chest and reaching out for Namjoon with the other hand dramatically. 

“I'm sure you won’t.” He says dryly, turning back to look at Taehyung with his eyebrows raised. Technically, he won’t. Because Jeongguk is very much Namjoon’s brother and Taehyung is very much in like with him. 

He looks down at the poem in his lap and reads over the words freshly written on the paper. He sighs, discontented. “Gonna take these?” Namjoon asks him, motioning to the poems on the wall. Taehyung sighs, pursing his lips and shaking his head. “Nah.” He tells him. “Leave them up though, Jimin loves them.” 

He glances back at the poem in his lap, another softer discontented sigh puffs past his lips. “Throw this away please.” He tells Namjoon on his way out. It’s nothing special yet, just like the poems that remain taped to the hospital wall. 

Fall

They fell in love in the fall.

“I’ll visit you all the time, I swear.” Taehyung promises Jimin, packing up his suitcase. The pout remains on the elder boy’s lips and he sighs dramatically, falling onto Seokjin’s chest behind him. “Besides,” Taehyung says, “you’ll be out of here soon enough and we’ll be able to hang out in the real world.” He assures him.

That makes Jimin smile. 

“Anyways, you have Seokjinnie to keep you company.” Taehyung teases, scrunching up his face at the couple. Jimin blushes and Seokjin laughs loud and full. It’s kind of unfair how perfect he is, Taehyung often finds himself pondering it. Handsome, kind, and not sick. It’s hard to believe people like that exist in the world. “You do.” Seokjin says, pressing a kiss to Jimin’s temple. It makes Taehyung smile and his chest twist in a way that makes him antsy to see Jeongguk. They don’t have any solid plans later, but he thinks he’ll make them if he gets home soon enough.

Namjoon walks in amidst the conversation, and Sana follows. Taehyung can see the exhaustion of university weighing on her eyes as she sat in her designated chair for the last time.  Taehyung’s eyes light up, “You came?” he beams, waltzing over to her. She smiles, “Of course I did!” She exclaims. “It’s not everyday your bestfriend gets out of the hospital.” 

She ruffles his hair and he smiles under her touch. “Hmm well I’m sure you’d rather be spending your afternoon with Dahyun.” He tells her, pouting his lips. She smacks him playfully and lightly and she waves him off, “Nonsense! She sees me all the time, she’s probably sick of me.” 

“Doubt it.” Taehyung says before turning to Namjoon. “Well nurse Kim, I wish I could say it’s been fun.” He tells him, sitting on the bed facing the elder. Namjoon laughs and shrugs the comment off. “Yeah I suppose hospitals aren’t fun if you’re forced to be here.” He comments, signing off of a few documents. “Doctor Park already signed off on all this, she has a surgery so she couldn’t be here to send you off.” He informs Taehyung as he hands him a few pieces of paperwork. “She sends her congratulations, and just sign where it asks for your initials.”

Taehyung does as he’s told, initialling each designated spot and passing the clipboard back to Namjoon. “Tell her I appreciate it, and thanks for uh saving my life.” He tells him, shy fumbling with the seam of his shirt. 

Namjoon smiles, the kind of smile where his eyes raise just a little and his lips form a slight crescent. He only does it when he’s endeared; He nods at Taehyung, patting his shoulder gently. “I’ll tell her.” He tells him.

It’s a different kind of relief that washes over Taehyung when he steps foot outside of the hospital. Of course he was always relieved to leave this place during the day, but there was this finality behind it this time. The fondness of not coming back filled his chest, and he thinks  he might cry. 

He’d been in and out of this place for the most part of his teenage life, ever since he was thirteen he felt like a human science project- always being prodded at - and now he feels almost, normal - which is wishful thinking if he’s ever done it. He spares himself turning around and looking at the building behind him and the flashbacks of every round of chemo or surgery he’d ever gone through. 

It’s done now. 

Namjoon was beside him, carrying some of his things. “You know.” He speaks up, turning towards Taehyung, with a look that tells the younger boy that he needs to get something off of his chest. “I didn’t realize you wanted to know about Jeongguk so bad because you two were seeing each other,” He laughs and shoves Taehyung’s shoulder gently. Taehyung chuckles lightly, shaking his head. He does his best to subdue the blush that burns on his cheeks anytime Jeongguk is near or just merely mentioned. 

“How did you know?” He groans, rolling his eyes and covering his face with both of his hands. It's an embarrassment in its purest form, being caught fishing for Jeongguk information by Namjoon. Namjoon’s face floods with an amused laugh and he shrugs. “Let’s just say my brother likes to take pictures of things he likes,” He tells Taehyung. “and he happens to like you a lot .” 

Taehyung blushes even harder, but Namjoon continues. “And he kinda won’t shut up about you. He even showed my parents your picture.” He teases. 

Jeongguk tells his parents about him? Taehyung can’t help but feel the utmost affection for him at that moment. 

He gnaws  on his bottom lip, looking over at Namjoon. “You didn’t tell him that I’m a patient, right?” He asks almost too quietly to be heard. There’s a stunned pause between them, Namjoon just realizing that Jeongguk doesn’t know about Taehyung’s condition. “No.” He answers, because it’s the truth. He didn’t think he had to. “Good.” Taehyung sighs, his chest deflating in relief. 

[to, beautiful: did you know i have a dog?]

[beautiful: i did not]

[beautiful: i’m offended, i thought i knew everything about you]

[beautiful: you know everything about me :( ]

Taehyung chuckles at his phone, sitting on the couch with Yeontan parked in his lap. It’s a beautiful form of familiarity being in his house, he doesn’t actually remember the last time he spent more than a week here. There was just always something happening with him. 

The last time he was sent to the hospital, they had told him to get “comfortable”, which is always what they say when they know you’re about to die. But a year of chemo and a liver transplant later, he’s somehow cancer free and it’s a gorgeously terrifying thing. 

He snaps a picture of Yeontan all cuddled up in his lap and he sends it to Jeongguk.

[to, beautiful: here]

[to, beautiful: cute, right?]

[beautiful: adorable]

[to, beautiful: yeontan really wants to see you </3]

[beautiful: yeontan? i’m sure]

[to, beautiful: yes and he definitely wants you to come cuddle]

This time he attaches a picture of himself with Yeontan’s face scrunch up beside his own. His mom passes by the living room, a fond smile on her lips because it felt like the end of forever, seeing her son healthy in the living room. “Who are you sending that to?” She muses, sitting down at his feet and pulling them in her lap. Taehyung smiles, sitting up and leaning his head on her shoulder. “This boy.” He tells her shyly.

“A boy?” She gasps, looking down at her son. “You never told me you met anyone!” She swats his shoulder gently and Taehyung laughs falling back so he’s laying down on the couch again. “I didn’t want to say anything yet!” He mumbles into his sweatshirt sleeves, covering the fierce redness on his face and neck. 

[beautiful: be there soon]

[beautiful: for yeontan, of course]

“He’s coming over soon, if you want to meet him.” 

“Of course I do.” 

Taehyung’s parents like Jeongguk more than they like Taehyung, naturally.  They always pester him with questions about his boyfriend, which he never minds. Simply because he loves the way it sounds. 

“Taehyung-ah, when’s your boyfriend coming around next?  I wanna make something nice for dinner when he does.” Taehyung’s smile could be spotted from space when he looks over at his dad, he checks the time and clicks his tongue. “Hm, about fifteen minutes.” He tells him. 

“Is he staying for a while?” Taehyung nods. “Probably until dinner.” 

Content, Taehyung’s father nods and begins getting out the ingredients for a pot of kimchi jjigae. His dad tells him to make the rice, and he obeys, washing it thoroughly and putting it in the rice cooker. His mom has joined the two now, no doubt drawn in by the strong smell of the food already. 

“Smells nice.” She comments, standing beside her husband. Taehyung smiles to himself, standing on the other side of the counter. It feels a lot like when he was twelve, before everything happened. Of course they had cooked together like this in the past few years, but nothing this carefree. Nothing this happy.

Taehyung hears the front door close in the distance, bringing on another, bigger smile on his face. “Wow it smells really fucki-” Jeongguk’s eyes widen and he covers his mouth with his hands quickly. “Oop-sorry, Mr. Kim and Mrs. Kim.” He apologizes, bowing profusely. Taehyung laughs at the bright red that’s been produced on his neck. 

His parents wave him off, welcoming him with a smile. “No worries, son.” Taehyung’s father speaks up, going back to cutting up the kimchi into bite size pieces. Jeongguk walks up behind Taehyung, making his heart cease for a second before relaxing back on his chest. 

“Hi.” He mutters against Taehyung’s temple, pressing a kiss there. “Hi.” Taehyung says back, appreciating the way Jeongguk slides his arms around his waist gently. When his arms rest on Taehyung’s stomach, he finds himself wincing gently around the spot of his incision.

Jeongguk must’ve noticed, because he spreads his hand over the area and rubs it gently. “You good, baby?” He whispers softly, not letting Taehyung’s parents hear the gentle pet name he’d just brought to light. Taehyung is suddenly not worried about the pain, or about anything other than Jeongguk really. “Perfect.” He answers him.

They wait for dinner in Taehyung’s room, laying on his bed with their lips flushed against each other’s. Jeongguk’s hand is caressing Taehyung’s jaw as they kiss, running his thumb over the rounds of his cheeks. The smiles on both of their lips feel infinite, and Taehyung strongly believes that he could spend eternity like this. 

“Hmm,” Jeongguk hums against Taehyung’s lips in protest when the elder goes to deepen the kiss. He pulls away, leaving Taehyung’s lips pursed and alone. He sighs loudly, rolling over onto his back in the slightest distress. “I have an assignment to do.” Jeongguk tells him, scrunching his face up. Taehyung groans, looking at him with an empty expression, “Now?” He questions, reaching over and grabbing the back of Jeongguk’s neck. He pulls him into another kiss, it’s gentler and fleeting. Jeongguk pulls away with his eyes half-lidded and a soft smile on his lips. 

“Sadly, yes.” He pouts, replacing that beautiful smile. “Trust me, if it wasn’t already late then I’d sit here and kiss you all night.” 

Taehyung is easily content with that and he nods. “Kay.” He says, sitting up and grabbing his own laptop. He must admit, he’s a little jealous of Jeongguk who’s burdened by assignments and things to do. 

He scooches closer to Jeongguk, resting his head on his shoulder. He glances away from his work, with his eyebrow raised slightly and he asks Taehyung what he’s doing. “Watching you work.” Taehyung tells him simply. “Why,” He questions. “It’s boring.” 

Taehyung shakes his head at that. “Not to me.” He tells him. “I’m actually a little jealous.” He admits in a mumble, cheek squished against Jeongguk’s shoulder. 

Jeongguk looks at him with his eyebrows knitted together. “Jealous?” He inquires, his tone raising with the question. It’s then that Taehyung realizes that Jeongguk doesn’t get the privilege of going to school like a normal person, which is okay, he’s lucky he’s never had to. 

He nods. “Yeah, I kinda wish I was in school right now.” He tells him, not thinking. Jeongguk nods, halfway understanding, but then he tilts his head. “Why aren’t you?” He asks, and it’s a detrimental question.

Taehyung clears his throat to hide the panic that widens his eyes. “Oh, uh.. gap year.” He lies. 

He hates the way his chest knots up when he lies to him. Jeongguk believes him, of course. “Well...” He chews on his bottom lip gently. “Why don’t you apply now?” He suggests, enthusiasm lighting up his eyes. “You can even go to the same school as me, there’s a great literature program there.”

Before Taehyung can process the idea, Jeongguk is pulling up his university homepage and giving the laptop to Taehyung. He takes the laptop because Jeongguk is right, he can apply now. Jeongguk points to the ‘apply now’ button in the right corner of the homepage. He wraps his arms around Taehyung from behind, resting his chin on his shoulder. 

Taehyung types his full name on the application where it prompts him to do so, and Jeongguk kisses his cheek gently. His cheeks glow a gentle red at the action. “Are you blushing?” Jeongguk muses against his ear gently. Taehyung bites the inner part of his lip to keep from smiling, and he continues typing in answers on the application. Jeongguk just chuckles at his lack of response. “That’s cute.” 

The autumn air is a little less forgiving against Taehyung’s skin the first time he goes to Jeongguk’s apartment. He’s known of the existence of this apartment for months, since it came up on one of their first dates. But, he’d never been. There were multiple reasons, first and foremost being Taehyung being in the hospital for the vast majority of their relationship so far. He wasn’t allowed to sleep anywhere but the hospital, unless he wanted police looking for him all over the city. 

He’d told Jeongguk that he had a curfew, and that his parents were too strict to let him stay over at a boy’s place.

[to, beautiful: i can sleep over now, i guess my parents trust you now]

[beautiful: how could they not? i’m pretty great.]

Jeongguk’s apartment was nice, but not in an extremely expensive way. It was nice enough for Taehyung to know that his family had money- he knew that anyways but the apartment confirmed it a little more. 

The walls were mostly all white, a few of them adorn with exposed brick accents, and the decor was minimal but enough for the place to look cozy. “Nicee,” Taehyung muses, wrapping his arms around Jeongguk’s waist from behind. “It’s really cozy in here.” He mutters against the fabric of his shirt. 

“Thank you.” Jeongguk smiles proudly, turning around in Taehyung’s arms and kissing his forehead. 

They watch an endless amount of movies, most of which are interrupted by their incessant need to keep kissing. Not that Taehyung minds much, he pretty much loses all conviction when Jeongguk’s lips are against his.

A certain kiss in the middle of the second Spiderman film is a little different. Taehyung and Jeongguk are as physically close as two people can be, not an ounce of space resides between their bodies. Jeongguk’s tongue slides against Taehyung’s just as he pulls his leg up to rest on his waist. Taehyung gasps softly at the movement, pulling away just slightly. When the space between their lips opens up, Jeongguk pulls him back and takes his bottom lip between his own and sucks on it gently.

Vibrations in the back of Taehyung’s throat present themselves as moans out in the open, and he feels an unfamiliar coil in the pit of his stomach. He reconnects their lips again, determined to intensify whatever he was feeling. Sure, he’d been turned on before- plenty of times, but nothing quite like this.

He pulls at the fabric of Jeongguk’s shirt, balling it into his fists as the kiss elevates into a territory that the two hadn’t marked yet. Jeongguk hums softly against Taehyung’s lips, it’s not in protest of what’s happening, but he does pull back slightly. 

Taehyung realizes all over again that Jeongguk is the most beautiful person that he’s ever seen. Because he looks at him, pupils blown and his lips swollen due to the impact of his own and Taehyung doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of him. 

“I could look at you forever.” It’s a whisper, soft and quaint.

Jeongguk smiles, running his fingers through Taehyung’s hair and trailing them along his jawline. “Well,” He muses with a wide grin spreading on his lips. “I love you.” 

Taehyung’s heart stops in his chest, and he swears he stops breathing. 

He’d imagined death plenty of times before, even been near it.

But never once did he believe his heart would stop because Jeongguk loves him. 

“I love you, too.” He says it back without hesitation, like an impulse. It just feels right to love him. 

They kiss again, it’s the slowest they’ve ever kissed. Gentle bites and sucks were shared at the expense of moans abandoning their lips. Taehyung has no idea how long they kiss for, all he knows is he’s feeling dizzy- and not in a medical sense.

Dizzy because Jeongguk rolls on top of him, breathing heavily with the absence of Taehyung’s lips. “Fuck,” He mummers. “you look unbelievable right now.” Taehyung smiles and blushes, because what else is he supposed to do?

“What happened to pretty?” He muses, biting down on his lip gently. Jeongguk smirks a little, leaning over to his nightstand and grabbing his camera. “Pretty too.” He hums, snapping a candid picture of Taehyung. “You know you’re pretty.” 

The camera is abandoned, as well as Jeongguk’s shirt when their lips meet again. Taehyung feels Jeongguk’s hand push up his waist, sliding against his skin and leaving a destruction of goosebumps behind. Taehyung gasps lightly at the skin on skin contact. He’s vaguely aware of the incision scar that’s still prominent on his body. He pulls away relaxing completely against the mattress underneath him.

“What is it?” Jeongguk asks him softly, his eyes filling with concern. Taehyung exhales softly, lifting up and wrapping his arms loosely around Jeongguk’s neck. “This is...this is my first time.” He tells him. He doesn’t know why he’s nervous, maybe because every step of them had been unrehearsed and something that was completely new territory to Taehyung. 

“Really?” Jeongguk asks softly. He smiles reassuringly, and there’s a distinct relief that flood’s Taehyung’s chest. “Yeah.” He tells him. “Is that okay?” Of course Jeongguk nods and kisses him firmly. It’s just a peck, then he pulls away slowly. “Of course it’s okay, baby.” He mutters, kissing softly down his jawline.

Taehyung’s eyes flutter closed and he rakes his fingers through Jeongguk’s hair slowly, tugging on the ends. If butterflies were violent, then he didn’t know what the fuck this was. Because every nerve in his body was on edge, it felt like the most pleasurable hell he’d ever been in. 

“You sure you wanna?” Jeongguk asks him, sitting back on his knees. Taehyung is a little flabbergasted when he asks, he sits up and rests on his elbows. “I’m sure.” He tells him.

The confirmation between the two is all Jeongguk really needed, because he’s quick on Taehyung’s lips after that. It’s still slow, but it’s charged with lust and desire and all the things that Taehyung used to sit in his hospital bed writing love poems dreaming about.

Jeongguk strips himself down to his boxers, leaving Taehyung to gawk at his unbelievable body. He was nothing sort of a greek god, maybe even Zeus himself. Taehyung sits up, stripped down to his t-shirt and underwear at this point, and he grazes his fingers over the ridges of Jeongguk’s abs.

“Wow.” He chuckles, a little bit to himself. “You’re so hot...” It’s suspended and coated with disbelief and he can feel the smirk on Jeongguk’s lips when he tilts Taehyung’s face up to kiss him. His hands are autonomous and they reach for Taehyung’s shirt, grabbing the bottom of it to pull it over his head. Taehyung stops him though, grabbing his wrists slowly. “Can I keep this on?” He asks, and if his face was burning a brighter red than usual, Jeongguk didn’t say anything about it.

“Of course.” He mutters softly, releasing the material. He pushes Taehyung down against the mattress instead, placing firm and distinct kisses down his neck and over his t-shirt clad chest. His mouth hovers Taehyung’s nipple, his warm breath spreading beneath the shirt. Taehyung’s stomach quivers at the brand new sensation when Jeongguk presses a slow open mouthed kiss on his nipple through his shirt. 

He wants so badly to feel it without the shirt, to feel Jeongguk’s tongue against his skin without the barrier. But, he’d have to wait until his scar wasn’t noticeable, until maybe he could make up a new story about it. 

Jeongguk fingers him, first spreading lube on his fingers and then pressing them into Taehyung slowly, one by one. He feels the stretch, it’s uncomfortable at first and the sensation ringing all over his body is impossible to pinpoint. But, at some point he knows it’s pleasure, and he feels three of Jeongguk’s fingers filling him up. Tiny praises fall from Jeongguk’s mouth as he does this, watching Taehyung take his fingers so perfectly and the praises don't stop when he pulls his fingers out and reaches for more lube and a condom this time.

He puts the condom on himself, and Taehyung watches as he pumps the lube over the length of his cock. They lay down; Jeongguk on top of Taehyung. “We can stop at any point if you change your mind, got it?” Jeongguk breathes against Taehyung’s lips and the elder nods, understanding. The stretch of Jeongguk’s cock is a little much to handle at first, it’s intense and Taehyung isn’t sure if he’s made out for this. 

But then, after a few seconds of not moving, a few seconds of shaky breaths and messy kissing between them, the pleasure returns and holy shit . Taehyung’s back arches when Jeongguk finally moves, pulling his hips back and thrusting into Taehyung deep and slow. It’s hot, everything is hot, all Taehyung feels is hot and all he can hear is small “you’re doing so good, baby” among other gentle praises and Jeongguk grips his hips gently and guides himself while fucking Taehyung.

Taehyung comes first, being that he is the virgin in the room, but Jeongguk finds himself coming into the condom not much after Taehyung. 

“Shit.” Jeongguk laughs lightly after falling onto Taehyung’s chest. Suddenly Taehyung hates the t-shirt between them even more. He lays there silently, just stroking Jeongguk’s hair gently. “Did you really mean it?” He asks.

Jeongguk, already knowing what he means, replies. “Yes.” There’s another pause. “Did you?” Taehyung doesn’t let the question remain unanswered long, “Yes.” He tells him.

We fell in love in the fall 

Taehyung writes it down when they visit the Han River together again. They’re having a picnic, laid out on a blanket, courtesy of Namjoon who Taehyung found himself missing these days. It was the height of the afternoon, though the wind was still bitter against their skin. 

Fall was coming to an end, and winter was creeping its way in. It came in small increments, first replacing the morning dew with the frost on the ground in the morning. Second, freezing the rest of the leaves off of the tree branches, leaving them bare and frozen. Lastly, the wind.

But the couple wanted one last picnic before they had to wait until spring. 

“What are you writing?” Jeongguk asks Taehyung with a soft muse to his voice. Taehyung smiles shyly and he holds his notebook to his chest tightly. “A poem.” He tells him. Jeongguk nods with realization, his mouth mouthing ‘o’. “Can I read?” He asks, wiggling his eyebrows and making grabby hands at the journal. 

Taehyung shakes his head profusely. “Nope!” He replies, popping the ‘p’ and turning his chest away from Jeongguk. “It’s not good yet.” He tells him, “and it’s not finished.” 

Jeongguk sighs dramatically, falling down onto the blanket. “Fineee.” He groans, finishing the show off with a pout. “Can I at least know if you write about me?” Taehyung smiles at him. “Yeah, of course I do.” He tells him, leaning down and pressing a soft kiss on his lips. He pulls away but Jeongguk wraps his arms around him, pulling him onto the ground with him. “That’s cute.” He mutters against Taehyung’s lips, kissing him again briefly, “you writing love poems about me.” 

Taehyung pecks his lips, firm and sweet. “Yeah well, I love you.” 

Taehyung notices it slowly, though he pretends not to notice at all. It’s when he has to lie to Jeongguk again, and pretend he can’t make their plans for some other reason than the fact that he has a 104 degree fever. 

He could see it on his parents' faces, but he refuted it, as if it was something negotiable. But, he’d seen that look on his parents’ faces too often. “It’s just a fever guys.” He tells them, looking for an ounce of reassurance in their expressions and finding none. “It’s normal.” He speaks again, harsher this time. He knows normal wasn’t a complacent part of their family, and that the smile they put on with a gentle nod this time is just to please Taehyung.

It’s a few weeks later that  he notices the headaches and irritability. Jeongguk was over during the day between classes and they were laying on the couch- Taehyung with his head against Jeongguk’s chest. They sat in silence, staring blankly at a black screen on the tv. They weren’t watching anything because of his headache, But Jeongguk found a form of entertainment in just brushing his fingers through Taehyung's hair gently. “Feel any better, baby?” He asks him.

Taehyung closes his eyes shut and winces at the sound of his voice, which typically rings beautifully in his ears. He hears the smile in his voice when he speaks again. “Guess not, then.” Taehyung shakes his head with a pout “I'm sorry.” He tells him softly, nuzzling his head into his chest some more. Jeongguk shakes his head, shushing him softly. “Don’t be,” he tells him. “Headaches are normal.” And fuck, he wishes they were.

***

“Now remember,” Namjoon says, giving him the rundown. “If you get a high fever, headaches, and yellowing around the incision please come in for an appointment because it could mean you’re rejecting your liver.”

Taehyung listens, and he nods. “That won’t happen.” He says in the name of positivity. 

***

Life isn’t fair. That cliche proves to be true when Taehyung gets up a few days later. There isn’t anything particularly special about the day yet, he just goes about his regular morning routine, washing his face, showering, and getting dressed. Though, when he’s standing in front of his sink brushing his teeth, he notices something.

On his bare torso, intruding his delicate, honey skin. There’s a few marks of yellow. It’s not bright nor prominent like the summer sun, no. It’s dull and murky and Taehyung’s stomach drops with the sight. 

His mouth goes dry and his puts down his toothbrush, “No fucking way...” He mutters to himself, leaning forward closer to the mirror. He looks down at the area, not being able to get a good view in the mirror, and that’s when he realizes the yellowing on the tops of his fingers. 

Again, it’s not bright, and if Taehyung wasn’t looking for it then he probably wouldn’t have found it. He sighs, resting the palms of both of his hands on either side of the sink and letting his head hang between them. It feels useless to cry, because he’d cried so much in his lifetime that he thinks it’s lost significance to him. But, nonetheless he feels a tear slide down his cheek. It’s cold against his skin that’s increased with heat due to his anger.

Because sad doesn’t work any more. He’s just really fucking angry. 

His knuckles are white from gripping the sink, and the feeling in his fingers slowly wears down. It only reminds Taehyung how weak he is- he can’t even get fucking angry without feeling light-headed. “Fuck!” He screams because he can’t help it. “Why is it always fucking me!” 

The early morning quietness is broken by Taehyung’s sobs, so loud and violent they shake his body.  He can’t see through the blur of his tears, everything around him is meshed into one. All the colors bleeding together in front of him and he wonders when death takes over if it looks like this before fading to black. 

The mirror shatters when he hits it, it’s loud but the broken pieces falling into the sink and clanking against the floor might be worse. He backs away, tears still streaming down his face at an alarming rate. “Why can’t I just be normal.” He mutters to himself, no longer ridden with the energy to yell. When his back hits the wall and his skin feels the cool tiles against his bare skin, reality starts to settle back in.

It’s pressed on his shoulders when things are no longer blurry, and he can feel the pain in his hand and see the blood seeping from it. He hears footsteps, they’re hurried, running and getting louder towards his bathroom. 

They fall in sync with each other as they get closer, and a gasp falls from his mother’s mouth when she arrives. “Oh..honey,” She says, it’s soft and horse with sleep. She rushes over by his side along with his father. He’s still crying when she pulls him into her chest and he’s prompted to sob even harder with comfort. His father’s hand is heavy on his head, his fingers rubbing against his son’s scalp gently. 

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” Is all he hears over and over, one of his parent’s saying directly after the other. 

After he’s done crying, after the glass is picked up and his hand is wrapped, Taehyung’s mother takes his face in her hands. “We’ll go to the doctor tomorrow, yeah?” She says, whispering to him as if no one else existed to her. She puts on a reassuring smile, but Taehyung can hear the cry in her throat waiting to be released. Just like he can see his father blink away the pool of tears in his eyes. 

“Okay.” He says softly.

They go to the hospital tomorrow, and he’s welcomed with Namjoon’s soft gaze. It’s warm and welcoming like it always is, but there’s this light tint of sandness- pity maybe- and Taehyung hates it. “Don’t look at me like that.” He comments, sitting on the uncomfortable seat in the check-up room. The paper crinkles under him and he recoils back, looking away.

“Taehyung-ah.” His mother scolds with a tone slightly harder than usual. Namjoon only chuckles, smiling it off. “No worries Mrs. Kim.” He tells her. “Me and Taehyung have a close relationship.” 

Taehyung scoffs, dramatically rolling his eyes. “I wouldn’t say close. ” He grumbles, pulling his hands in his lap. Namjoon just laughs, and waits for the doctor to come back. 

His mother drifts off to go get a cup of coffee, leaving Namjoon and Taehyung as the only ones in the room. “Y’know...” Namjoon starts, his chest rising and falling with a sigh. “I overheard another nurse on the phone with our mom yesterday,” He tells him. “I felt sick when I realized,” He chuckles at that, recalling running to the nurses station with the mention of Taehyung’s name over the phone. “I really thought I’d never have to see you in here again.”

Taehyung smiles lightly with a soft laugh. “Touché.” 

A silence settles upon them, leaving Taehyung stuck inside of his own head. He wonders if Namjoon wants to bring up Jeongguk, he wonders if he should bring up Jeongguk. He’s an invisible elephant in the room; invisible and oblivious. It’s then that Taehyung understands the weight of not telling Jeongguk, that he was stupid before to think he’d never have to know, to think that he’d be okay and healthy forever. 

“So, what if it is... my uh liver... what if it is uh-failing?” 

Namjoon’s shoulders tense a little and he sighs again, this time louder and the stress visibly reads on his face. “Well, right now Dr. Park will probably up your meds and monitor you through appointments.” 

Taehyung feels a little relieved with that. “So I won’t...” Namjoon shakes your head. “No. You won’t die.” 

Taehyung’s mother enters the room. “Look who I ran into on the way!” She says with a cheer to her voice. Taehyung looks over, and his heart jumps a little because he thinks it might be Jeongguk and he is nowhere near ready to explain himself. But, his heart settles because it’s just Dr. Park. 

The doctor checks him out, running tests and taking blood. It’s nothing new to Taehyung, and then she leaves again for thirty minutes. When he comes back, Namjoon is behind her and a frown set on his face. She flips through the papers attached to her clipboard and she sighs. “So, it does look like you’ve got some acute liver rejection.” 

Taehyung’s mother tenses in her seat. The doctor continues to say, “but it’s not always a big deal, I’ve prescribed you some stronger anti-rejection meds, so you’ll need to pick those up on the way home.” She informs him, her eyes scouring the papers in front of her. Taehyung nods. “Yes, ma’am.” 

She smiles and she looks up at him. “You caught it pretty early, good job.” She congratulates him and Taehyung has to physically stop himself from rolling his eyes. “Yeah, great job to me I guess.” He mutters, mostly to himself. 

She tells him that he’ll have a doctor's appointment the next week to make sure the upped medication is working, after the appointment, Taehyung’s mother goes off to sign off on some paperwork at the check-out desk. 

Taehyung is left by the elevators, resting against the wall with his eyes closed. 

Namjoon comes up beside him. “Hey...” Taehyung opens his eyes to see the nurse with his hands shoved in his pockets, with a nervous composure, which is the complete opposite of how Taehyung typically sees him.

“Hmm?” Taehyung hums in place of a reply. “There’s no easy way to say this...” Namjoon tells him, sighing heavily, frustrated with himself. “Just say it, then.” 

Taehyung is a little fuzzy from the day he’s had, and he’s not quite sure what else Namjoon has to say to him. He closes his eyes again, waiting for the elder to speak up.

“Tell Jeongguk, or I will.” 

His eyes snap back open. “What?” Dread fills him like nothing else has before. He feels it, cold and distinct in the pit of his stomach. He knew he’d have to, he came to the conclusion earlier that morning. He just didn't want to. 

It’s unfair in a plethora of ways that Taehyung already knows and analyzed. He’d laid in bed, sometimes beside Jeongguk, mulling over the unspoken truths and spoken lies between them. 

“Tell him.” He reiterates. “Or I will.” 

Taehyung chuckles a bit, a little taken aback by Namjoon’s tone. “Is that a threat?” He asks, crossing his arms over his chest. “If that’ll get you to tell him, then yeah. It’s a threat.”

It’s quiet again between them, and Taehyung gnaws on the inside of his mouth. “I know I have to tell him.” He admits. His voice is hushed and the dread in his stomach has spread up to his chest. It feels tight and impossible to breathe, he feels the prick of tears in the back of his eyes. “I just-” His voice cracks, and he squeezes his eyes tighter to keep the tears inside. “I just wanted everything to start over, you know?” He looked up at Namjoon. His face is pained, and Taehyung can tell that this is the last thing he wanted to do to Taehyung. “I just wanted it to be perfect, like none of this ever happened.” 

Taehyung realizes now that it was stupid. Because perfection is a rarity in his life and he willingly brought Jeongguk into that.

“Yeah.” Namjoon says, his voice low. “I know you did, but I’m not going to let you break my brother’s heart by lying about this.”

Taehyung doesn’t go home, while holding back tears, he tells his mom that he’s going to stay at the hospital. He wanders down the halls that feel more like home to him than his house ever did, and he sinks into his old room. 

Jimin asks him what he’s doing there, but Taehyung doesn’t reply. He just lays down in his bed, and Jimin makes room. He doesn’t ask questions when Taehyung cries- but Taehyung is pretty sure he gets it. 

[beautiful: do i get to see you today?]

[to, beautiful: yeah, i’ll be there soon]

It was finals season, so it was extremely hard to make plans with Jeongguk. Part of Taehyung is happy, because he can put off talking to him, and the other part is growing more and more anxious with each minute he has to wait.

He’s practiced it millions of times, telling him. 

He kind of thinks just ending it might be better. 

Because what if the medication doesn’t work? What if Jeongguk gets catapulted into Taehyung’s life of hospital rooms and shitty love poems on the walls and he just dies?

Winter had been creeping up on them for weeks now, and the evening sky darkening into an impossible black wasn’t helping,  so Taehyung hugs his coat tighter to his body as he walks to the bus stop. 

Jeongguk’s apartment is warm and the air dissolves what’s left of the cold night on Taehyung’s hands. He knocks on his door lightly, sighing softly as he waits for Jeongguk to open up. 

It’s impossible not to smile when Jeongguk opens the door and his eyes glow so bright when he sees Taehyung, like he’s the only thing that means something to him. “Hi.” It’s quick and almost nonexistent, because in the next moment Jeongguk is kissing the hell out of Taehyung.

Suddenly, anything that needs to be said leaves his lips and his mind completely. He’s occupied with kissing Jeongguk back, and shedding off the remnants of the cold outside. Everything is always warm when he kisses Jeongguk, and it spreads to the tips of all of his limbs. It isn’t warm like a spring sun melting winter now, no it’s warm like hot chocolate in the summer.

“Missed you.” Jeongguk mutters against the elder’s lips, helping him shed his coat. “Not as much as I missed you.” Taehyung challenges him, because it’s probably true. Taehyung missed Jeongguk so damn much, and it’s simply because of what he knows needs to be done. 

But, he forgets all of that for now. And he lets Jeongguk kiss him, soft and then hard and then he lets him lay him down on the couch, both of them stripping down into nothing but Taehyung’s shirt. Jeongguk fucks him in the living room, slow and loving and Taehyung thinks he might be trying to make love to him. The living room is quiet and their moans against each other’s skin are hot. There are whispered “I love you”s that Taehyung believes he isn’t allowed to accept and when they finish, both coming together, a single tear slips down Taehyung’s cheek.

Jeongguk doesn’t notice, and they cuddle together on the couch. 

“You’re so quiet,” He tells Taehyung. He looks up at the elder, resting his chin on his chest while they lay down. Taehyung half smiles, because he can’t bring himself to muster up a full one. “Sorry.” He whispers, tracing his finger down Jeongguk’s jawline slowly.

He takes the time to memorize him, to take in every inch of his face, how his skin feels under the pads of Taehyung’s fingers. He smiles fondly, pressing his finger against the mole under his lip just like he did on their first date. He leans forward, pressing a gentle kiss to it. Jeongguk must feel the tear that falls down his cheek, because he pulls away. 

“Hey...” He reaches up, whipping the next set of tears before they have a chance to make it out of his eyes. “What’s wrong, why are you crying?” Taehyung smiles into his hands, grabbing his wrists gently and pulling his hands away. Jeongguk looks at him bewildered, but doesn’t fight it.

“I need you to stop falling in love with me.” 

“What?”

Taehyung sits up, gently pushing Jeongguk off of him. He grabs his pants from the floor and he puts them on calmly, though the tears that Jeongguk didn’t have a chance to wipe away still fall. He hears Jeongguk behind him, scrabbling into his pants as well. 

“What?” Jeongguk asks again, and Taehyung can hear the urgency in his voice. “What the fuck does that even mean?” He asks from behind him, and Taehyung doesn’t say anything else. He can’t. Every poetic right word he ever spent his time learning and mulling over had abandoned him, leaving him here wordless with the only person he’s ever been in love with.

“Don’t you dare ignore me, Kim Taehyung.” Jeongguk grabs his arm gently, stopping him from walking towards the door. He turns to face him and the tears welling in his eyes. It’s a heartbreaking thing, to see beautiful Jeon Jeongguk cry, and he did that.

Kim Taehyung made him cry, and he hates himself a little more for it. 

He hates himself for not being able to tell him even more, because he knows it’ll ease the pain a little. But he can’t, he doesn’t want Jeongguk to stick around because Taehyung knows he would. He knows he’d wake up each day with Jeongguk’s fluffy bed head bent over onto the hospital bed sleeping beside him.

Some may find that endearing, but he doesn’t want that. If he had a say, his parents wouldn’t be subject to that kind of agony either. He knows he’s a burden, though they would never say it. 

All he wants to be to Jeongguk is some boy that he loved once, not a burden. That’s enough for him.

Taehyung sighs softly and tugs his arm away from Jeongguk, who was holding on so gently, like he believed that Taehyung wouldn’t go. It breaks his heart even more. “Please, Jeongguk.” He whispers. 

Jeongguk laughs, not because anything is funny, but because he can’t believe what’s happening. “So what? You come over here just to tell me that? Is it over, did I do something?”

No. You’re perfect.

Taehyung doesn’t answer again, all he does is place his hand on Jeongguk’s doorknob. “I’m sorry.” He barely whispers, because it’s the only thing he thinks will make things a little okay. He feels Jeongguk’s arms wrap around his waist before he can open the door. His chest caves, because his warmth is so familiar and tempting to sink into. Before he used to think that the hospital felt more like home than his home, but now, sinking into Jeongguk’s warmth and feeling his face nuzzle into his neck, he knows that Jeongguk feels more like home than anything in the world.

“Baby please, just-please...” He sobs softly against his skin. Taehyung can feel the tears drop from his eyes, and he closes his eyes with a soft sigh. Taehyung swallows the lump in his throat, though it’s no use because it comes back two times bigger. “I just- I can’t, okay?” 

Jeongguk lets him leave, and Taehyung doesn’t look behind him to say goodbye because Jeongguk’s eyes, even dull and tear-filled, would be enough to make him stay. 

Winter had been creeping up on them for weeks, so maybe walking home wasn’t the best idea. Taehyung tries to disregard the cold attempting to freeze his tears to his cheeks and keeps walking to the bus stop. But, it’s a little bit farther from Jeongguk’s house and the cold makes it feel impossible to get there.

Taehyung doesn’t remember when he started feeling dizzy again, or when it felt like his temperature was inhumane. He doesn’t remember it, and he doesn’t remember when the tips of his fingers started turning yellow again. 

He certainly doesn’t remember falling, because he’s so dizzy. It’s blurry again, and this time it actually fades the black, just like he thought it would. 

Winter has been creeping up on them for weeks, Taehyung realizes it now. 

Winter

He lost him in the Winter.

Taehyung was borderline hypothermic when he arrived at the hospital in a stretcher. He hears it in indistinct mutters hovering his body while he’s slipping in and out of consciousness. 

“I don’t think the stronger dosage stopped the rejection.” He hears from a further distance. “His liver is still failing.”

He feels like he’s being rolled, maybe to an emergency surgery? Or maybe just to a hospital room. Consiousness seeps in and out of him and the only thing he’s sure of is that he’s really fucking cold. 

“His liver is failing?” 

It’s mumbled in with all the other voices hovering over him, so he can barely make it out. But, he thinks it’s Jeongguk, though he doesn’t have much time to decipher it before his eyes flutter closed and he’s met with an unending darkness again.

When Taehyung’s eyes peel open, all he sees is white and the most menacing dread fills his stomach. He looks to the left and sees Jimin, still sleeping with his beanie pulled down to his eyebrows. When he looks to the right, he sees Jeongguk and his heart stops. 

He isn’t looking in his direction at that moment, no he’s looking at the poems still taped to the wall behind him. Namjoon actually kept him there, Taehyung kind of chuckles to himself. There's a small moment where he’s embarrassed that Jeongguk is seeing them, all the poems about love that Taehyung was so bothersome over writing. A few of them were about Jeongguk, he wonders if he can pick them out. Thirst hits him like a very fast and determined train, and he coughs dryly before he has the chance to say something to Jeongguk.

The younger’s head snaps towards Taehyung and his face floods with relief. Taehyung’s cheeks flush pink and he averts his eyes from Jeongguk, pointing to the water on his nightstand and coughing again. Jeongguk hurriedly grabs the pitcher and pours the water into a small paper cup. Taehyung sighs as he drinks it, feeling the cool relief slip down his throat. When he’s finished, he pulls the cup from his lips and he looks at Jeongguk who hasn’t taken his eyes off of him. His face is full of questions, Taehyung loves that about him. Nothing on his mind was ever sacred, because he wore it on his face. 

“I guess you’ve figured out I’m sick by now.” He sighs, looking down. He notices that he has a hangnail, so he focuses on that instead of anything else. 

Jeongguk chuckles bitterly, “yeah” he mutters under his breath. “You scared the shit out of me.” He tells him, a frown deep set on his face. “If I didn’t decide to go after you then you could of...” he trails off, and Taehyung knows what he’s going to say.

“Sorry.” He says quietly. 

There’s a quick pause between them. “You went after me?” Jeongguk looks up and nods, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “Of course I did.” He tells him. He pauses and laughs at himself for a second. “After I finished blubbering like a baby.” 

Taehyung laughs at that. “How long did that take?” He asks, teasing him. Jeongguk rolls his eyes dramatically, before sighing just as dramatically. “Like an hour and a half.” 

They both laugh loudly at that, their laughs blending in so perfectly together. Though it had been only a short time, Taehyung had forgotten how happy he felt with Jeongguk.

“Where are my parents?” He questions, looking around the room. Jeongguk checks his watch. “They went to get some clothes for you, they should be back soon they left uh... an hour ago I think.” 

Clothes? Taehyung sighs softly. “So I’m staying here for a while then?”

Jeongguk frowns again. “Yeah, sorry.” He tells him. Taehyung shrugs. “Used to it.” 

If it still hurts, then he doesn’t say anything to Jeongguk about it. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asks after a few gentle beats of silence. 

Taehyung sighs softly, sitting up more in the bed. He occupies his hands with the abandoned paper cup he’d just drank from. It was inevitable that he’d have to answer this, that he’d have to tell Jeongguk why he lied to him. “I didn’t think I would have to.” He tells him honestly, looking over at him. His eyebrows pull together and Taehyung can see his next words on his tongue. “I was in remission,” He says before he gets a chance. “A few months ago I thought I was going to die from liver cancer, it was stage three, Gguk.” He looks over at Jeongguk, who’s eyes seem to be welling up with more tears. “Stage three and well on it’s way to progressing more. But then by some miracle I was able to get the transplant, they found a match and everything changed.” 

He finishes and closes his eyes. “So yeah, I didn’t tell you because I didn’t think I’d ever have to.” 

When he opens his eyes again, he sees Jeongguk shifting uncomfortably in his seat. He has a scowl set on his face, and he’s grinding his teeth lightly. Taehyung had seen him mad, of course, so he knew the signs. “That’s...that’s so shitty on so many levels Tae.”

He rips a little piece of the plastic cup off, trying to focus more on peeling it apart rather than looking at Jeongguk. “I know.”  He admits and Jeongguk scoffs beside him. “Then why?” His tone is spiteful and frustrated, it makes Taehyung jump a little- the stoic silence of the hospital room being uprooted by Jeongguk’s voice.

Taehyung huffs, dropping his hands in his lap and looking at Jeongguk finally. His jaw was clenched, and Taehyung could see the genuine anger on his face, which made him even more angry for some reason. Maybe because he didn’t get it, and maybe because he never would. “Because I just wanted it to be a new start for me!” He yells. It’s loud and it explodes from his chest, and it feels so good- like letting a scream out into a pillow never to be heard. “I wanted us to be a new start!” His voice is quieter now, a little hoarse, and he looks back down away from Jeongguk. “But i was stupid for thinking anything good would ever happen to me.” He mutters.

Taehyung can feel in the silence between them that Jeongguk is stunned. He feels bad for him, he really does. One day he’s happy and oblivious and the next he’s broken with the truth; shattered like pieces of a mirror falling into a sink. 

“You should have told me Tae,” He repeats. “I could have helped.”

Taehyung shakes his head profusely. “That’s exactly what I didn’t want.” He’s quick and blunt in his response.

“Oh wow, that’s great” Jeongguk says, offended with sarcasm oozing from his tone. 

“That’s not what I mean and you know it.”

“Then please fucking tell me what you mean.”

Taehyung yells again. “I mean this!” He gestures to Jeongguk beside his bed. “I mean i didn’t want you to have to sleep here, and I didn’t want you to pour me water and I didn’t want you to try and hold on because this is my life, Jeongguk! Inside these hospital walls is it for me and I don't want you to have to be a part of it.” 

He hears Jimin rustle across the room, only now waking up to the sound of Taehyung’s yelling. “You don’t get to choose that for me!” Jeongguk yells back, finally fighting Taehyung’s voice with his own. 

Taehyung takes a deep breath and holds it in his chest. He counts to five before he releases it calmly. 

“But I get to choose it for me, and that’s what I did.”

Jeongguk shakes his head, looking down at the tiled floor. “You’re unbelievable.” He mutters, his head hanging between his shoulders. “I love you.” It’s said with malice and tears and nothing Taehyung wants in that confession. He knows that Jeongguk loves him, but that wasn’t going to make this go away.

“That’s just... it’s not enough, Jeongguk.”

Jeongguk looks at Taehyung stunned with no other words teasing the tip of his tongue. He leaves silently, leaving Taehyung in bed with no one by his side. He doesn’t let himself cry though, because this is what he wanted, right?

“He’s not worth it.” Sana tells him, shaking her head and chewing her gum a little obnoxiously. “If he just left .” She huffs and shakes her head, resting back on Dahyun’s chest in her typical seat. She laughs at her girlfriend, pushing her hair out of her face.

Jimin shakes his head. “He didn’t just leave .” He tells them. “Taehyung basically told him to.” He was sitting on the end of Taehyung’s bed, earning a swift kick to his side from Taehyung. The kick was weak though, so it had little to no effect- Taehyung had spent the last hour being poked and prodded at by random doctors coming in and out trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with him. 

“Hey!” Jimin exclaims with a little laugh, tapping Taehyung’s leg gently in protest. “I was awake, I heard everything.” He tells him, crossing his arms and turning to Sana. “He told him that he didn’t want this to be Jeongguk’s life.” 

Sana sighs, slumping her shoulders. “Well...he’s still not worth it if he still just left.” 

Taehyung sighs softly, shaking his head. “No, Jimin’s right.” He tells her. “I wouldn’t have stayed if I were him, either.” He says simply. “It’s a lot to take in and I didn’t really give him an opportunity to. Plus, I’ve been lying to him for months, I wouldn’t be surprised if he hates my guts.” 

It hurts to assume that Jeongguk hates him. But, it’s a little easier than letting himself fully weigh the knowledge of Jeongguk out there somewhere, still in love with him. 

“He doesn’t hate you, Tae.” Jimin speaks up. “Far from it.” 

Taehyung is a little bit tired of crying, but all it takes is the acknowledgement of that. “I know.” 

He tries to hide his tears, but he does a shitty job and Jimin is piling onto him carefully and hugging him. “Awwww, c’mon don’t cry!” He tells him, nuzzling his face into his neck. “Don’t cry over something you don’t know has ended, okay?” He says softly, wiping Taehyung’s cheeks.

Sana and Dahyun walk over, both with sentimental smiles on their faces. Sana crouches down, ruffing her hands over Taehyung’s messy hair. “It’ll be okay, okay?” Her smile is tiny and reassuring and she kisses his cheek. “Maybe he is worth it, who knows?”

“He’s completely worth it.” He tells her.

Sana and Dahyun leave after another hour, walking hand in hand down the hospital halls. They barely make it out of Taehyung’s hall before Dahyun runs completely into a stranger, standing nearly six feet tall. “Oh, excuse me.” He speaks, grabbing her shoulders so she regains her balance.

She smiles and waves him off. “We both weren’t paying attention, it’s cool.” She tells him and he laughs a little, though it’s not all completely there. Sana looks over at him, her jaw dropping immediately. 

“Jeongguk, right?” She asks, making her girlfriend and the stranger snap their heads over. He looked confused, but it had to be him. She remembers from that first day in the field with the daisies, the first day he met Taehyung.

He looks a little different now, his hair is longer and his skin paler due to the absence of the summer sun. He’s carrying bags, and upon further inspection Sana see’s snacks stuffed in them. All sorts of snacks, but mostly sweet snacks- Taehyung’s favorite.

“How’d you know?” He asks and Sana smiles. “Taehyung really likes to show pictures of you.” She holds her hand out. “Sana, you must’ve heard about me?” She asks, her tone shifting into something more cheerful.

A wave of realization washes over Jeongguk and he nods eagerly, “Yeah! Taehyung talks about you all the time.” He tells her with a wide smile, shaking her hand. “This must be Dahyun, then?” His smile is wider, upon knowing who the two girls are. Sana now knows about the glow that Taehyung never shuts up about.

“I am.” They shake hands as well. Sana sees his tear streaked cheeks, they’re fresh like he never stopped crying from the time he left Taehyung earlier that day. “I thought you left?” She questions him, tilting her head.

He shakes his head. “No.” He answers quickly, like it was the most absurd accusation. “I just needed to blow off some steam and get my thoughts in order.” He tells her. “It was a lot, but I think I understand him now, so...” He shrugs and lifts up the snacks in the bag.

Sana just smiles and nods. “Good.” She says simply. “He was right about you.” 

It’s good, for a couple weeks they forget what happened between them and most importantly, Taehyung thinks everything is forgiven. Though Jeongguk had nothing to apologize for. Taehyung’s weeks were filled with appointments, blood tests, and upped dosages of his medication. Hope died in him each time they had to up it, and he could see it die in his parents as well. 

Jeongguk though, he was naive; Hope never dies where naivety lives. Taehyung sees it in Jeongguk’s eyes every time he sees him and they’re glowing like nothing is wrong. He can hear him sometimes, when Jeongguk thinks Taehyung is still and asleep. He whispers things soft against Taehyung’s gentle cheeks, saying that everything is okay and everything will be okay as long as they’re together.

“Just smileeee.” One morning after one of those nights Jeongguk stayed up and whispered those sweet nothings to Taehyung, he had remembered that he brought his camera with him and was holding it up to Taehyung’s face, trying to snap a picture. Taehyung huffs, putting his hands in front of the lens. “No, baby I look...” He pouts his lips. “I look disgusting.”

Jeongguk gasps, taking actual offense. “You could never.” He shakes his head, refuting the statement. “Now take it back.” He rolls on top of Taehyung, pushing his hands away from his face gently and pressing a gentle kiss on his nose. “Or what?” Taehyung challenges, with a wide smile.

Jeongguk purses his lips, not exactly equipped with a threat. “I’ll just kiss you ‘till you do?” He says, unsure and Taehyung laughs. “Nice threat.” He taunts him, lifting up and kissing his nose gently. Jeongguk blushes, sitting up in bed and lifting the camera. “You’re so pretty, lemme take a picture.”

Taehyung sighs, defeated and he lets Jeongguk take the photo. “Delete it if I die, I don’t want you to remember me like this.” He sighs dramatically, laughing softly after the statement. It was a joke in every form to Taehyung, but when he looks over at Jeongguk- his lack of laughter was concerning - he’s frowning.

“Don’t say that.” 

Taehyung sighs softly and nods, forgetting that death feels impossible for people who haven’t danced with it. 

“I got into that school.” Taehyung tells him a few weeks later.  They’re laying in Taehyung’s hospital bed, which seems to be the only thing they ever do lately. Jeongguk is facing him with his hand laying over Taehyung’s side. His face lights up. “Really? That’s great, baby.” He tells him, leaning forward and kissing him gently. Taehyung smiles against his lips and he pulls away. He simply shrugs and pulls Jeongguk’s hand up to lock it with his own. “It doesn’t really matter now.” He mutters softly, pressing each pad of his fingertips to Jeongguk’s. 

“Don’t say that.” 

Taehyung always, always has to go through an absurd amount of doctors appointments throughout the week. But this week, they biopsied his liver to check if there was anything internal going on that they couldn’t see, and that made him feel like shit. Not to mention, he’d noticed his body wearing out quicker and quicker, each day getting harder to gather the energy to simply exist.

He’s thinner now, though it’s only been about a few months of being in the hospital. He wishes he could blame it on the hospital food, but he’d have to eat it to blame it. Truth is, he never has an appetite these days. But, sometimes when Jeongguk brings him sweets to eat, he eats them. Because a simple rejection would crush him and bring him to realize that Taehyung isn’t the same anymore. 

All Taehyung wants is for Jeongguk to not view him differently. So, each time he musters up whatever appetite he has left and he eats the sweets- throwing them up shortly after Jeongguk leaves. 

He doesn’t bring any today, and Taehyung finds himself relieved because he doesn’t think he has the energy to muster up anything- let alone an appetite. 

Jeongguk lays in his bed when Taehyung scoots over and lifts up the blankets. “Hi.” He muses softly at him, welcoming his warmth beside him. Taehyung was always cold these days, probably had something to do with the shedding weight and horrendous heat they had in the hospital. 

“You’re cold.” Jeongguk comments, wrapping his arms around him. Taehyung nods, leaning his head against his chest. “Tired too.” He mumbles softly, closes his eyes. Jeongguk kisses the top of his head gently and rubs his hands down his back soothingly, trying to warm him up.

“Joon says you haven’t been eating.” He says quietly, just as Taehyung is about to slip into a soft sleep. Pain resides in Jeongguk’s words and Taehyung sighs softly. “Haven’t been hungry.” He answers honestly. “For a week?” Jeongguk presses and Taehyung doesn’t comment. “You have to eat, Tae.” 

“I just feel so... so weak, Gguk.” He chokes a sob against his chest. Even crying is tiring. “It’s useless, I just wish they’d tell me I’m dying already. 

“Shhh.” Jeongguk cards his fingers through Taehyung’s hair gently. “Don’t say that.” 

It’s never good when Taehyung sees Namjoon anymore. Mostly because all he has to offer are inconclusive tests and unsure answers to his questions. But this time he hears it before he comes inside his room.

It’s silent enough now, because Jimin left a week or so ago, though Taehyung’s concept of time has grown dizzy and confused. It’s quiet in his room and everything in his room is stoic and unmoving, so he can hear Namjoon’s voice speaking to his parents. It’s muddled in with the unfortunate sounds that also exist outside of his room- machines beeping, stretchers and wheelchairs against the floor, and staff chatting and going about their day. But, above all that he can hear Namjoon- just barely- he can hear him tell his parents that he’s dying unless they can find another liver. 

Crying. That’s what he hears next.

His mother breaks down first, and he can picture it now, her falling against his father who is also trying to gather his bearings with the news. Together they’d stumble back, and then hug each other tightly in a tearful union. 

A few minutes pass and Taehyung doesn’t think he’s moved a single muscle. Namjoon walks in with his parents, and here it is.

“Taehyung, there’s no easy way to say this...” Namjoon starts slowly, and Taehyung can tell he hates this. He hates it especially because he told Taehyung this wouldn’t happen. His mother grabs his hand gently and his father stands beside her with his hand on her shoulder.

They’re looking at him in the way he hates, the sympathy filled eyes. It makes his skin crawl, but he doesn’t really know if he feels anything right now.

“Sometimes transplants just don’t take, and there’s nothing we can do about it.” 

Taehyung nods slowly. “So I’m dying?” He questions it, like he doesn’t know. Namjoon nods slow and regretfully. “Yeah, Tae.” He says, speaking out of formality. “You’re back on the transplant list but-”

“But I waited nearly five years for a transplant last time.” He cuts him off. His eyes close and a single tear slips down his cheek. “How long do I have?” 

This time, a tear falls down Namjoon’s cheek. “Uh, you probably won’t make it past the spring.” Taehyung’s mother chokes a sob then, and Taehyung tightens his grip on her hand. It’s the end of December now, almost his birthday and the New Year. He thinks about Jeongguk, that’s what makes the lump in his throat double in size. “So, three months is the estimate.” Namjoon tells him.

He refuses to look at his parents, because he knows that’s when he’ll cry and he doesn’t want them to see that anymore. He wants them to remember him happy. 

“Did you tell Jeongguk?” He asks, looking up at Namjoon. He shakes his head. “No, you should.”

A shaky breath slips from Taehyung’s lips and he shakes his head. “No I can’t,” He remembers the sweet nothings whispered against his cheek, that everything would be okay as long as they’re together. He knew it was a lie then, but Jeongguk didn’t. Now he’ll know and now the naivety he once knew would vacate. “Please, just tell him.” 

Namjoon doesn’t fight him on it, he just nods. 

“Can I be alone for a bit?” Taehyung indirectly asks everyone in the room. Taehyung’s parents begin to protest, his mom squeezing his hand a little tighter. “Please?” He croaks, covering his mouth with his hand before they get a chance to object. 

They agree, leaving him in the room alone. Taehyung thinks crying is useless, because it doesn’t help anything and it certainly can’t help him. But he curls up in his bed, his body making a small heap under the blankets and he cries, nonetheless. 

He hears Namjoon tell Jeongguk through the muffled voices outside his door. Jeongguk refutes it, like it isn’t definite, he’s sobbing just repeating ‘no’ through violent sobs that Taehyung feels deep in his chest. He hears him try to come in and his chest tightens. Namjoon stops him though, saying that Taehyung wants to be alone. 

“Just let me see him at least, I won’t speak to him I just.. I just have to see him.” Jeongguk begs. Taehyung closes his eyes tightly, hearing Namjoon give in and open the door. 

Jeongguk thinks he’s asleep so he sobs quietly, covering his mouth with his hand. He’d never cry in front of Taehyung like this, because he knows Taehyung would hate it. He walks over and kisses his cheek, leaving a few of his tears cold on Taehyung’s cheek when he pulls away.

He brushes them off gently. “I love you.” 

Talking is impossible, so Taehyung doesn’t. He doesn’t talk to anyone, his parents, Jeongguk, not even a teary eyed Sana who visited or a sobbing Jimin. 

It isn’t that he doesn’t want to, but it feels physically impossible to speak through all the pent up melancholy that decided to make Taehyung’s body its personal playground. All he has the energy to do is sleep.

“It’s likely depression.” Dr. Park tells his parents. “It’s very common with patients that learn they’ve got limited time.”

They talk about him like he isn’t there, under the blankets. 

Jeongguk always comes to visit, everyday he comes and sits beside Taehyung and does his homework. He accepted his silence and still told him about his days filled with photographs and annoying professors. He was working on a project in one of his classes, so he went on about that a lot lately. 

“So basically, the due date is Friday...” What day is it? Taehyung is vaguely aware of the time passing him by as he lies still. Has his birthday happened? New Years? How much time did he have now? “And my partner just ditched and went on vacation! Can you believe that?” Jeongguk pauses, he always pauses for a response just in case one day Taehyung is feeling up to it. But, they both know he isn’t going to speak. His voice just feels so distant, like it doesn’t exist. 

He finishes up his homework with random comments here and there, and after a little bit he stands up. “Well, I have to go.” He says, crouching down beside Taehyung’s bed. They’re face to face and Jeongguk smiles a bit, trying to pretend like his eyes aren’t glossing over. He runs his fingers through Taehyung’s hair gently. “When are you gonna talk to me, baby?” He asks gently. It’s more of a wandering thought than a question directed towards the elder. 

Jeongguk doesn’t look expectant, he knows he won’t answer. He almost gets up, but then he hesitates like he remembers something. He sighs softly. “It’s been about two weeks,” Two weeks? So his birthday and New Years really did slip him by without warning. “I promised myself I’d do this so...” He clears his throat, and his cheeks tinge a gentle pink. 

“Can I kiss you?” 

Taehyung doesn’t answer, but he can’t say he’s appalled by the idea. Of course he isn’t, kissing Jeongguk was a reason to stay alive in and of itself. Jeongguk sighs with the lack of response. “It’s okay,” He reassures him, putting on a fake smile over his impulsive frown. “It was stupid, I shouldn’t have asked.” He stands up, ready to walk away, but Taehyung reaches out, barely catches his pinky with his pointer finger. 

Jeongguk turns around, seeing their fingers attached and the brightest smile floods his face. He walks back to Taehyung, crouching down in front of him. “One kiss, okay? I promise I won’t overdo it.” 

It’s the first time Taehyung has willingly touched another person in two weeks when Jeongguk’s lips press against his. The other unwilling participants were the nurses and doctors that took care of him. The kiss is warm and sweet and all the things that Taehyung remembers it to be. It’s so good that he could cry, maybe he does. Jeongguk pulls away and he smiles, leaving one corner of Taehyung’s lips to perk up. 

“I love you, see you tomorrow.” 

Taehyung isn’t sure how long he can put Jeongguk through this. 

Deep into January, Taehyung notices that Jeongguk doesn’t come to see him nearly as much as he did a few weeks ago. On top of that, his parents requested that he be put on antidepressants, because if it was up to the depression Taehyung would rot away not speaking in his last month and a half of life. 

So he was happy against his will, along with dying against his will now. 

What really bothers him is Jeongguk’s absence now that he’s alert and sociable. “Where’s Jeongguk been?” He asks Namjoon when he comes in to change Taehyung’s IV and give him his medication for the morning. 

He shrugs. “I've been picking up a lot of extra shifts, so I don’t really know.” He answers him. “Has he not been here?”

“No.” Taehyung frowns. 

Three days later Taehyung gets the awful feeling that Jeongguk has given up. He can’t say he particularly blames him, but a warning would be nice. 

Maybe he should have listened to his own advice when he told Jeongguk to stop falling in love with him. 

Because all that’s happened since the moment Taehyung wound up back in this hospital bed is he’s fallen undeniably harder in love with Jeongguk. He’d fallen so hopelessly in love with their hospital bed talks, cuddling under the blankets, the days when he’d skip class to join Taehyung at appointments. So much of it he’d fallen in love with, and he thought Jeongguk at least did the same. 

Day four is when he gives up hope.

Coincidentally, day four is when Jeongguk shows up. 

“Hi baby.” He says, bursting into the hospital room like nothing was wrong- like he hadn’t been MIA for a week. “Hi?” Taehyung replies, barely kissing Jeongguk back when he pecks his lips. 

Just like he always does, Jeongguk sits in the chair beside Taehyung’s bed and he opens his text books and starts his homework. Taehyung lets him for a while, while questions gnaw at him from the back of his mind.

“Where were you?” He asks before he can help it. “Hm?” Jeongguk looks up, putting his pen down. “Where’d you go for so long?” Taehyung asks again with a little less confidence. Jeongguk chuckles, as if anything about this is funny. “You must’ve forgotten.” He tells him with a nod.

He leans forward, brushing Taehyung’s hair out of his face. “I had a school trip. Rome, remember?” He asks him, and no, Taehyung did not remember. He pouts a little, unintentionally, and he shakes his head. 

Jeongguk just laughs softly and ruffles his hair, settling back in his seat with his homework.

“Thought you gave up on me.” 

He doesn’t know why he bothers telling Jeongguk that, but he isn’t particularly prompted to do otherwise. The concept of caring is leaking out of him, bit by bit. Maybe because there are no long term repercussions to his actions. 

“Why would I do that?” Jeongguk laughs a bit, tilting his head to the side. Taehyung sighs, he knows Jeongguk would never give up on him. He kind of hates that, because Jeongguk will be the one with a broken heart in the end. “Because I’m dying.” He tells him bluntly. Their eyes don’t meet because Taehyung looks away from Jeongguk, but he’s positive that he frowns. 

“Stop saying that.” He tells him. 

And god, Taehyung is kind of sick of that. “Well that’s what’s happening isn’t it?” He returns his attention to Jeongguk, his eyes narrowed on the younger’s gentle ones. They break in front of him; Taehyung sees it in real time, Jeongguk’s naivety fleeing. He breaks him, just like he knew he would. “I’m dying and you’re going to have to accept that, Jeongguk.”

It’s not on purpose, breaking him. He warned him, he told him to stay away, to stop loving him.

“You could get a transplant.” Jeongguk is fighting tears at this point, Taehyung knows it, he can hear them collecting his voice, weighing down his chest. 

Taehyung shakes his head, his narrowed eyes still parked and staring into Jeongguk’s. “It took five years for me to get this piece of shit liver, Jeongguk.” His voice is tense, almost leaving himself not to recognize it. He speaks through gritted teeth, mad. But he’s not particularly mad at Jeongguk. He’s just, well, mad.

He softens his expression, seeing Jeongguk’s face wither up with fear. Taehyung sighs softly, softening his eyes and looking into Jeongguk’s. It’s between them that this is an apology- soft eyes and even softer tears begging to pour down their cheeks. “I don’t even think I would want another one if the opportunity came around.” He says just barely, not sure if he wants the younger to hear.

Jeongguk’s face pulls together in confusion. “What?” He asks, urgency in his voice. He moves closer to Taehyung’s bed, grabbing his hands gently.  “Don’t say that.”

Taehyung never said anything all those times before, when Jeongguk would tell him that. “Don’t say that.” He’d mutter against Taehyung’s freshly kissed lips, like a kiss from Jeongguk would take everything away. 

“It’s the truth.” He tells him. Jeongguk just nods slowly, slipping his shoes off and crawling into the bed with Taehyung. Jeongguk is good at that, knowing when Taehyung needs to be held. So he holds him, wrapping his arms loosely around his waist. “I’m just so tired.” Taehyung sighs, closing his eyes and leaning his head against Jeongguk’s chest.

He nearly drifts off to sleep, he’s in that blissful in-between state. Just before his body fully commits to sleep his ears perk with Jeongguk’s soft voice. “Shh,” He tells him. “I know.” Jeongguk assumes that Taehyung is asleep, so he lets a few tears fall from his cheeks. But the in-between state isn’t that blissful, because Taehyung still feels those tears fall from Jeongguk’s cheeks onto his forehead before the younger wipes them away softly. 

When Taehyung wakes up the next morning, Jeongguk is beside him. He smiles at him, snoring softly with his mouth parted. He remembers what it was like before this, when Taehyung would wake up beside Jeongguk in a bed that was in their rooms. The light would cascade in, glowing on Jeongguk’s cheeks. There’s no light in this room, only the blinds pulled tight to keep the sun from shining in.

Taehyung leans forward, pressing a gentle kiss to the mole under Jeongguk’s lip. He wakes up slowly, eyes fluttering and heavy with sleep. “‘Morning.” He grumbles, pulling Taehyung tighter to him. Taehyung accepts it, brushing his disheveled hair out of his face. “I need to tell  you something.” He says softly. “And I don’t want to fight about it.” He says it gently, caressing Jeongguk’s cheek as he speaks. 

He nods, leaning forward and pressing his forehead against Taehyung’s. “What is it?” He asks quietly, though his eyes suggest he already knows. 

“I think we should end this.” 

Don’t say that.

“Okay.” 

Jeongguk leaves and Taehyung is in his room alone. He pulls out his notepad, scrambling for his pen urgently in the flood of tears pouring from his eyes. It’s blurry, and muddy and messy and all he fucking wants is to be able to love Jeongguk like a normal person.

But, the only way he can love him in this life is by letting him go. 

I lost you in the winer. 

He writes it and then pauses.

You lost me in the spring.

Spring

He lost him in the spring. 

Jeongguk’s days had been dull ever since he left Taehyung. He regrets it a little, not fighting. It’s been a week already, and all he feels is this lifeless hold pressing down on his shoulders and not letting up. He can’t see Taehyung anymore, because he knows that’s what Taehyung wants. He understands it even though he hates it. 

He can’t stand not seeing Taehyung, though. That’s his problem. Because he’s so sickeningly in love with every part of him that sitting at the end of his bed, talking about his day though he knows he won’t get a response, is easy. It’s simple, because love can be a one way street.

It’s not with Taehyung, because Jeongguk knows he loves him. 

He can’t see Taehyung during the day, so he stops by at night time. Not for long, just long enough to count his breaths in sync with the beeping monitor. Just long enough to know his heart is still beating. 

He checks on Taehyung in other forms, as well. He’s sitting in the kitchen, tapping his pencil against the wooden table when Namjoon walks in. Jeongguk had been staying at home for a week now, not being able to stand how alone he feels in his apartment now. “How is he?” He asks, barely letting him get in the door.

He sighs with exhaustion, because a twelve hour shift is never easy. “Still breathing, Gguk.” He tells him, because he knows that’s all he wants to hear. 

He just wants him to be alive, to still be a part of his life in some way. And, sure, Jeongguk knows that Taehyung will always be a part of his life, even if he dies, but something about knowing he’s still holding on gives him this twisted sense of hope that spring won’t be the end of him. 

Jeongguk makes his usual trip to the hospital that night. It’s a commute that not even Namjoon knows of, because he knows he’ll put a stop to it. It’s cold outside of the hospital, but he knows the morning sun will bring a warmth similar to the day that he met Taehyung.

It’s almost been a year now, the summer will mark it. 

He’d barely known Taehyung for a year and now he’s being ripped away from him.

It isn’t fair in the slightest. He had so many things planned for them, so many things he doesn’t think he’ll be able to touch with other people. 

Suddenly he gets it, walking into the hospital just as the night settles over him. He understands now why Taehyung told him to stop falling in love with him. He didn’t listen, stupidly, but it was impossible. How could he not fall in love with Taehyung? He was soft everywhere. His skin, his eyes, his smile, his lips. And he was so beautiful, so beautiful that Jeongguk doesn’t even know why the cherry blossoms bloom anymore because Taehyung had them beat. He was kind and patient and he loved so gentle and forgiving yet so passionately. 

So, yeah, Jeongguk was kind of fucked from the beginning. 

Taehyung is sleeping when he opens the door. It’s just a little past midnight, and the elder is snoring softly. Jeongguk doesn’t go all the way in today, he just smiles from the distance of the door and he counts the beeps silently to himself.

“I love you.” He mouths, even though Taehyung can’t see him. 

It’s enough, because Jeongguk just wants to tell him that everyday until forever stops.

He closes the door after a few minutes, turning around and walking off. Before he gets too far, he hears a small voice behind him. “What are you doing here?”

Sana appears in front of him with a coffee snug in her hand. She tilts her head and crosses her arms over her chest. “Tae doesn’t-” Jeongguk shakes his head. “I know.” He tells her. “I was just uh- checking on him.” 

She looks a bit stunned by his answer, and Jeongguk can’t help but observe a softness that settles on her features. “You do this every night?” She inquires and Jeongguk nods honestly. She smiles, completely endeared by that. “Well just...” She taps her foot, battling with what she’s about to say. “Just don’t be stupid let him see you.” 

Jeongguk laughs, nodding. “Of course.”

Pictures of Taehyung seem to pass the time. Jeongguk looks at them when there’s nothing else to do. It’s sweet to remember his smile and the aura of light that seemed to surround him no matter where he went. Jeongguk misses the hell out of him. 

It’s been three weeks since the last time he saw him. Spring flowers have started to bloom now and Jeongguk hates them, hates the spring. 

Yet, nameless flower bouquets are another way Jeongguk tells Taehyung he loves him. 

[pretty: daisies, really?]

[to, pretty: what can i say? you were sitting in a field of daisies the first day i met you]

[to, pretty: i guess you could say i have a soft spot for them.]

[pretty: well, thanks i suppose]

Jeongguk clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth, thinking of a response. He looks beside him at the next round of daisies he planned on sending but now he thinks the novelty has worn off- Taehyung knowing it’s him sending them.

[to, pretty: let me bring some to you in person]

[pretty: okay]

Jimin is at the hospital when Jeongguk arrives. His smile lights up a little more when he sees him. He’s facing Seokjin, who Jeongguk had become acquainted with throughout the months he’d visited Taehyung in the hospital. 

He’s dripping with excitement. So much so that it’s almost painful to breathe, but he loves it. Because seeing Taehyung like this, delivering him a bouquet of daisies, is all he needs. For a second he thinks about buying enough daisies to surround him with them, just like the day they met.

But Jimin’s shoulders are shaking, and Seokjin isn’t wearing his typical smile. His face is low and distraught with something Jeongguk knows he doesn’t want to feel. It’s detrimental, he knows it, and he stops walking towards them. He hears Jimin’s sobs, soft and distinct in his ears. When he speaks, it’s wrought and torn, “We never got to see each other in the real world.” It’s muffled with sobs and tattered through his cries in Seokjin’s chest, but Jeongguk hears it. 

His chest clenches, and excitement isn’t the reason he’s having trouble breathing.

The lump in his throat is too big to swallow, so he just takes a deep breath and continues walking towards the couple. In the corner of his eye he can see Taehyung’s parents, both huddled together with tears falling down their cheeks.

Fuck.

“What’s going on?”

Jimin’s tear-filled face falls a little when he sees Jeongguk, and his frown deepens when he sees the flowers. He knows they’re for Taehyung, and he cries a little harder because of that.

“He’s in surgery.” He tells him.

It’s a little easier to breathe. Surgery, not flat-lined.

“It’s really bad though.” Jimin whispers, shaking his head. 

It was one second that Jimin and Seokjin were at the side of Taehyung’s bed laughing and joking around with him. And then the next that Taehyung’s monitor’s beeping fell into a long, strung out alert. Jimin swore he only looked away for a second, just one fucking second and suddenly Taehyung is flat-lining. He remembers screaming, calling for the nurse and only seconds later the nearly vacant room was filled with staff flooding it yelling things like “code blue!” or “we’re losing him!”

Losing him? Like dying?

But then someone comes in, it’s Dr. Park, with a seemingly satisfied look on her face. It drops once she sees the room full of doctors and nurses and Seokjin and Jimin in the corner of the room with fearful eyes. 

Her mood switches, and she clears her throat telling them that they found a liver for Taehyung. But, it’s a little impossible to cheer for that when he’s dying right in front of them. She yells a bunch of orders, telling a second year resident and an intern to go get the liver and then yelling unaimed to prep a OR room, that Taehyung was going into emergency surgery.

Jimin has had his fair share of roommates. None of which have made it out of these walls alive; he really hopes it is different for Taehyung. 

“Really bad?” Jeongguk questions, looking around urgently. He needs Namjoon, he’ll tell him it’s all okay. Like he does every day when he comes home, he’ll tell him that Taehyung is perfect. 

But when he finds Namjoon, it’s not good. His face is defeated and tear streaked when he walks down the hall towards Taehyung’s room, his composure dropping a little more when he sees Jeongguk. He blinks back a few tears and Jeongguk swears the world is falling all around him.

He looks to his left, away from his brother’s long face, because the longer he suspends the moment of realization, the longer it isn’t true. But reality isn’t ever truly suspended, so when he sees Dr. Park, just as defeated, kneeling down with Taehyung’s sobbing parents, he drops the daisies, because he barely needs Namjoon to tell him.

It’s all muffled, and he can’t hear a single cry around him. Not even his own ripping through his chest. Namjoon is quick to grab him, to pull him into his chest and let him cry. They sink down, Namjoon’s back against the wall and Jeongguk crying into his chest. He doesn’t know how long they stay like this, he barely knows how long he sobs for. 

If tears had currency, Jeongguk thinks he’d be a billionaire by now. 

Jeongguk sometimes falls asleep beside Taehyung’s vacant room. It’s cold and sterile in the hospital, but sometimes he feels like it’s the most comforting place in the world. Right outside of Taehyung’s old room. He can’t bring himself to go inside, not ever, he doesn’t think that room 411 would be a place he’d be able to breathe in. 

He’s wearing a suit this morning, because it’s been a week and now it’s time for Taehyung’s funeral. The suit is a little too tight, he hadn’t worn it since his highschool graduation, and it’s a little too stiff. Putting it on in his room this morning only reminded him that he and Taehyung never went on a fancy date with suits. They planned on it, of course, like they planned on a lot of things.

***

“You’ll pay, of course.” Taehyung tells him, rolling over on the picnic blanket. It was the end of the summer, and they were laying by the Han River for the last time before the cold blew in. 

He looks beautiful like that, laying on his back, looking at Jeongguk with a closed lip smile lifted on his face. His cheeks squish up with the motion and it’s extremely detrimental to Jeongguk’s well being- how cute Taehyung looks. 

“Me?” He asks, putting his hand over his chest. “Why me?” He leans over, hoving his face above Taehyung’s. The elder giggles, reaching up and pecking Jeongguk’s lips slowly and then pulling away.

“Because, you asked me out first, baby.” He tells him, raising his eyebrows. “Plus your family is loaded, so you know all the nice restaurants.” He sits up with a realization. “Oh! I’ll have to borrow a suit.” 

Jeongguk tilts his head. “You don’t have a suit?” 

He sees Taehyung’s pupils get a bit wider, like he realizes something that he shouldn’t have said. He shakes his head. “Uh, not one that fits.” He tells him casually. “Plus I like wearing your stuff.” 

Jeongguk only hums softly with a smile quirking on his lips. “Fine, I’ll take you on a fancy date sometime soon, okay?”

***

“Gguk,” He hears Namjoon sigh above him. He’s in a suit as well, and his hair is slightly damp from being towel dried. “We gotta go.” He tells him, squatting down to his level. Jeongguk doesn’t move, because moving means a lot of things.

Not being here, for one. For two, if he gets up and leaves then he’s going to Taehyung’s Funeral . 

He remains stoic by the door, the only thing changing is the tears that slip out of his eyes though they’re squeezed shut as tight as possible. 

“Jeongguk.” Namjoon repeats, reaching over and brushing his barely kept hair off of his forehead. “You hear me? We gotta go.”

“I heard you.” Jeongguk barely gets out. “I just...”

“Yeah.” Namjoon nods. “I know.” 

“It’s just not fair.” 

Jeongguk knows that life is rarely fair, but maybe this once he thought it might spare an ounce of fairness to someone who’d barely known what fairness could be. 

Someone with wide brown eyes and squishy cheeks that make him impossible to not love. 

He’d barely known a life outside of these walls and Jeongguk feels physically sick thinking about it. “He spent his whole life fighting something that was killing him, he didn’t even get to- he didn’t get to do anything...” His body shakes with familiar sobs and he pulls his knees to his chest tighter, wanting to disappear right there. 

He cries until he thinks he does disappear, the only thing telling him he didn’t is Namjoon’s hand on his shoulder, pulling him into his chest. He inhales the comforting scent of his older brother, and it calms him down a little. 

“You good?”

“I don’t think I’ll ever be ‘good’ again.” He grumbles. 

Namjoon sighs, standing up and pulling Jeongguk with him. “You will, I promise.” 

Jeongguk makes it to the funeral with swollen and heavy eyes, Namjoon leads him into the church. It’s dark outside, he notices, and the air is heavy with anticipation of the first summer rain. Spring is almost over, and Jeongguk couldn’t be more grateful, though summer was marked by Taehyung as well.

Inside it’s cold. Aside from the fact that Taehyung’s casket was feet away from Jeongguk, which is chilling in and of itself. It’s an open casket kind of funeral, so the people who didn’t get to see Taehyung before can tell him goodbye. Jeongguk doesn’t really get the concept, it gives him the heebie jeebies. So he doesn’t think he’ll go up to say goodbye, they already did that kind of. 

It was weeks ago, maybe a month ago now, when they said goodbye. Jeongguk really does regret not fighting Taehyung about ending it. 

He sees Taehyung’s parents for the first time since they were crouched together, wrapped in each other sobbing over the loss of Taehyung.

His heart beats faster seeing them, so he only bids them a quick smile before looking away quickly.  

The service is longer than Jeongguk expected, he’d never been to a funeral before; never lost anyone close to him. Maybe that’s why this hurt so fucking bad. When the priest asks if anyone has a speech prepared, or if anyone wants to share a few words, Jeongguk stays still. 

He feels it on his shoulders, the expectant glances from people who thought he’d say something. He can’t. He truly can’t. He’s fragile and the weight of his final words for Taehyung is too heavy, too destructive. Maybe if Taehyung were here, he’d help him.

He was good with words, always saying the most beautiful things to Jeongguk.

“I could look at you forever” was his favorite. The way it made his stomach clench with nothing but the utmost affection for Taehyung, the way it made him feel like the most wanted person in the world.

Taehyung did that, he spun his world, gave him his stars, his moon, and his sun. His universe, really. 

Jeongguk leaves daisies at the grave, as it only seems fitting. He met him in a field of daisies, so it makes sense to leave him surrounded by them. It feels a little overkill, filling the already flower decorated headstone with a ridiculous amount of daisies, but Jeongguk leaves them nonetheless. 

He kind of wishes he was buried with a bouquet of them. 

Everyone is leaving, and Jeongguk is alone after placing down the final bouquet. He glances at the guests, black, solemn figures filling cares and bidding each other goodbye. How can they leave? How do they just decide that it’s time? That it’s time to leave him here forever?

Jeongguk absolutely can’t move. But, Taehyung’s parents come over, and it’s the saddest fucking thing Jeongguk thinks he’s ever seen. They’re both so broken, so ridden with sadness and a distinct emptiness in their eyes. 

“You should go, son.” Is all Taehyung’s mother says. It’s soft and her hand on his shoulder is softer. Jeongguk sighs softly, looking up at the sky that’s only gotten blacker during the duration of the funeral. “It’s gonna rain.” He says aimlessly, a small pout poking on his lips. He looks down at the flowers, they’ll be ruined. 

He turns to the Kims with a fond and small smile on his lips. “I think I’ll stay a little longer, okay?”

Tears must be welling in Jeongguk’s eyes again, because Taehyung’s father places a firm hand on the side of his face. “Don’t cry.” He whispers, his voice just as broken as his wife’s. “I know it’s hard, probably harder than you ever imagined. But everyday will get easier, I promise.” His voice is shaky and Jeongguk isn’t sure if he believes him. 

“How do things get easier from here?” Because it feels like rock bottom. 

Jimin shows up at Jeongguk’s doorstep a few days later. He still looks distraught with the loss, and Jeongguk is equally just as so. But now he’s also surprised at the elder’s presence. 

Jeongguk barely gets to say hi before Jimin speaks up, shoving a neatly packaged box into Jeongguk’s chest. “This is for you.” He tells him with a gentle smile. “I really, really hoped I would never have to give it to you.” 

Something tells Jeongguk that he really, really hoped that he’d never have to read it. 

He opens it up, and the tears are sudden with the sight of pictures of them. Happy and perfect- both of them- in these frozen moments in time. Jeongguk had printed his own pictures of Taehyung, keeping him alive in that form. He continues opening the box, moving the pictures aside and discovering two folded sheets of paper. He reads the first line, blinking away tears, and he laughs softly. Because he knew, and he’d always know.

Taehyung loved him with everything that burned inside of his chest, and Jeongguk loved him the same.

Dear Jeongguk,

 

I told you I write about you sometimes

 

I’ve written a million poems about love, and only some of them are about you. A loveless lifetime does that. It creates love in other places, so I have a lifetime of love without you, and I hate that. I told Namjoon to throw those old poems away, the ones on the wall, so don’t go looking for them. I hated all the other poems I wrote about us, because they were too happy. And maybe you think that’s shitty, and maybe you think I’m shitty. But, I love you. So, here’s one single love poem. I wrote it the first time I saw you, and then a little more when we fell in love, a little more when we lost each other, and I think I could write about us for an eternity. Please don’t cry, please just be happy even if it feels impossible to do that. Also please know that I love you, and that if I wasn’t dead right now that I’d be kissing you and I’d be kissing you forever. 

 

Ps. fall in love again, just not nearly as good as we were.

I met you in the summer

It was sweet,

hot, and gentle 

 

the white petals of the daisies

sort of match your eyes 

innocent and unknowing

 

we fell in love in the fall

almost like the season prompted it

 

gentle and unforgiving

in your bed

engulfed in your heat

 

kissing in the moonlight 

like the sun doesn’t exist

 

making love 

like the absence of it isn’t hate 

i lost you in the winter

 

losing and loss 

can be different things 

i want you to lose me 

because that’s final,

complete 

 

losing is something you hold onto 

you shouldn’t hold on to me.

 

i think you’ll lose me in the spring,

so i’ll stop here

 

i promise

to make my dying thought,

blurry colors merging into

a combined darkness,

about you. 

 

 

- Taehyung