Archive of Our Own

the first time, donghyuck is sixteen. fresh out of sophomore year, when his jeans are starting to get tighter and he doesn’t find interest in playing board games or hanging out with his mom any more. instead, his curiosity peaks through when jaemin’s older brother shoves a joint into their faces, eyes wide and expectant.

jaehyun tells them, like the good hyung he is, that whatever is rolled between the thin paper will make them feel better than they’ve ever felt before. “it’ll feel like heaven. like you’re in a whole different universe or something.” he says.

and donghyuck believes every word. so he watches jaemin take his first hit, repeats exactly what his best friend does, and takes his hit too. and jaehyun watches proudly as the two boys get higher and higher throughout the night. flushed cheeks—tomato red under the hue of their basement light. it’s only the three of them, and when jaemin’s mother calls for them to come to dinner, jaehyun gets a serious look on his face and says, “don’t do this with anyone else okay?”

jaemin and donghyuck nod, in synch even though their eyes are tinted pink and donghyuck is starting to feel a little floaty.

and it goes like that. jaehyun rolls up for them for the whole summer, and sometimes he’ll bring taeyong-hyung around too, and they’ll pass a few more in a circle in jaemin’s basement. donghyuck likes it, he thinks, even when his limbs are shaking and he can’t remember what he just did, memory too lost somewhere in the depths of his brain. he likes it.

he meets mark in the beginning of his junior year. there’s talk around the school of some geeky new kid who transferred from god knows where, and renjun tells him that his korean is a little broken but still better than chenle’s. donghyuck isn’t interested in making any friends because his group is fixed, there’s no reason to add to it. there’s jeno, who lets them order pizza with his dad’s credit card once a week, usually after study days on Thursday. and then there’s renjun who’s super mean but donghyuck likes him cause they share a lot in common, (like gossiping about every boy and girl in their grade, jeno just thinks theyre mean.) jisung and chenle are a year younger but they all have gym together so it works out, donghyuck is convinced those two have some weird telepathy thing going on. and of course jaemin. who’s perpetually glued to donghyuck’s side.

so he doesn’t really know what activates this weird feeling in him that he has to introduce himself to mark when he spots him two seats back in algebra two on their first day. it’s definitely a thought though, as donghyuck tries hard not to stare at him, all black hair and kinda dorky looking glasses, but his converse are just as beat up as donghyuck’s, so he can’t be that weird.

he takes a huff of encouragement into his lungs and stands up, strutting his way towards mark’s desk while chanting, confidence is key, lee donghyuck in his head.

“who are you.” he says. and mark whips his head up to see donghyuck standing in front of him.

“uhhh.”

“you’re the new kid right?” Donghyuck squints to look at him, spots a little cross necklace hanging around his neck.

“yea..yeah im new, I guess.” mark says, fumbling around with his pencil.

“im Donghyuck. Lee Donghyuck. And I couldn’t help but notice your shoes are extremely dirty.”

mark looks down at his shoes, scuffed up Chuck Taylors that look like they’ve been through hell and back. he shrugs, then glances down at donghyucks own pair, which are so faded they don’t even look close to white.

“yours too.” he mumbles.

donghyuck bites the inside of his cheek, trying to contain a snarky remark. “what’s your name?” he asks instead.

“mark lee.” mark pushes his glasses up since they keep slipping down the bridge of his nose.

“well mark lee.” Donghyuck huffs out, emphasis on the lee since they have the same last name, (he doesn’t mention how mark stole it from him until later.) “you probably need friends to sit with at lunch right? im at the back corner table, so you can sit there if you’re not too nerdy.”

mark doesn’t say anything, just stares at donghyuck and donghyuck takes that as an acceptance. he smiles, and maybe mark smiles back to him when he sits at their lunch table two periods later. donghyuck let’s mark sit next to him, introduces him to his friends, and decides then and there that mark lee will be his best friend and his only.

it’s not until the week before thanksgiving break that donghyuck is invited to a party. a senior, by the name of wong yukhei, comes up to him right before biology with a lopsided smile and handsome eyes.

“hi donghyuck.” he says, approaches him at his locker. donghyuck looks up at him, way up, since yukhei is the tallest kid in the school and has at least 3 heads above donghyuck. (donghyuck likes to think he’ll grow a little more, but he’s already almost seventeen and his doctor said it was unlikely.”

“uh, hi yukhei.”

“hey, so my parents are leaving for the weekend, im having a party..” he grins widely and displays a full rack of pearly whites. donghyuck is now realizing why renjun has such a big crush on this dude, he’s stupid hot. “would you wanna stop by, you could bring friends too. i just want it to be lit, you know?”

donghyuck thinks for a brief thirty seconds before he agrees that, “yeah, ill be there. ill bring some people too.” because wong yukhei has nice, thai (rich) parents and his house is probably gonna be epic. and if there’s seniors involved, he’s signing the fuck up.

which is exactly how he convinces the group to go with him.

“you mean to tell me that wong yukhei personally invited you to his party?” renjun asks, deadpanning at him like donghyuck is spewing nonsense. (in renjun’s defense, he usually is.)

“yes.” Donghyuck answers. “and he said i could bring you guys. so we’re gonna go. mark-hyung can drive, right?”

mark looks less than enthusiastic at the idea of driving donghyuck and their friends to a complete strangers house on a Friday night. “um, yea I can drive..but a party? how big is it gonna be..?”

“huge.” jeno mumbles from across. “yukhei is qb, he probably knows a million people.”

“jisung and chenle aren’t coming.” jaemin says through a bite of peanut butter and jelly. jisung and chenle both groan and jisung opens his mouth to protest, but jaemin is already glaring at him like the mom he is. so his mouth shuts immediately and instead he crosses his arms and pouts.

“it’s okay, jisungie, you can come to parties next year.” donghyuck hums, then turns to mark next to him. “so you’ll drive us?”

there’s a pause, and donghyuck gives him those eyes that work wonders on getting his own way, he’s just lucky that mark was easy to break. “fine.” he finally huffs out.

jeno and jaemin share a look of excitement and donghyuck can’t help but smile and latch on to mark, pulling him into a hug that mark barely reciprocates, but smiles nonetheless.

donghyuck’s first ever time trying something other than jaemin’s older brother’s medical grade-street sold marijuana goes like this:

he’s riding shot gun in mark’s beater car that he supposedly obtained from his cousin back in Vancouver. renjun, jaemin and jeno are all squeezed into the back, fighting about who’s gonna get drunker in less time as donghyuck reads out the directions to yukhei’s crib.

as they venture further out of the town and into the city, the houses just seem to get bigger and bigger. and soon mark is pulling them into a drive way connected to what looks like a mansion from a movie with the Wong’s address printed on the mailbox.

when they pour out of the car and into the party, it becomes extremely clear what kind of party this is. there’s about a hundred people packed just in the entrance-way. instantly, the smell of weed hits donghyuck like a truck, and he looks behind his shoulder to see mark staring wide-eyed at him.

“it’s okay mark-hyung.” he smiles, grabs the older’s hand and tries to ignore how sweaty they are. “lets go find a drink.”

they all wander into yukhei’s kitchen which is considerably larger than donghyuck’s entire apartment. there’s alcohol lined up on the counter, all of which donghyuck has never seen (or tasted) before in his life .

renjun goes first, grabs five solo red cups and the first bottle he lays eyes on and starts pouring. “ba-Bacardi?” jeno sounds out, staring at the auburn liquid in his cup.

“Bacardi. shits strong, me and jaehyun used to drink it all the time when our parents were away.” jaemin mumbles.

donghyuck smiles and grabs his cup, then hands mark one too. mark looks down, as if the alcohol might jump out and bite him. he watches donghyuck intensely, like, all dark eyes and locked jaw as donghyuck goes to throw his cup back down his throat, but jaemin grabs his wrist out of nowhere. “don’t drink.” he whispers, his eyes water and he blinks at mark, confused. “ill explain later. just don’t drink.” jaemin says, let’s his wrist go. and donghyuck doesn’t protest because jaemin always seems to be one step ahead of him, even as he watches their friends sip from the cups—him and jaemin just sit there and watch.

and they get progressively drunker as the night goes on. jeno ends up pulling jaemin and renjun into the crowd in the living room to dance, where extremely loud japanese trap plays and some senior named nakamoto yuta is climbing the railing to crowd surf.

donghyuck’s been clinging to mark since they were alone, holding on his arms and tugging him throughout the many rooms of yukhei’s house. mark laughs, not as drunk as renjun but getting there, face flushed and kind of sweaty. donghyuck finds it extremely endearing when mark presses his hand into the small of his back whenever they have to wind their way through a particularly large group.

they’re sitting on the porch swing outside, the one hanging from yukhei’s deck that looks over his in-ground pool which was “strictly off limits” since it was fall and forty five degrees outside. donghyuck threw his legs over mark’s lap when they sat down, complaining about how they hurt from his track meet the day before, and mark gave him a sympathetic look and didnt say anything else.

he caught himself staring at mark, though. while mark talks about his basketball tryouts next week, slurring over the words a little bit. mark’s jaw is prominent, especially from the side, and donghyuck finds himself thinking about how he would like to kiss the hinge of his jaw. or maybe further down, and mark swallows right when donghyuck’s eyes trail over his Adam’s apple and donghyuck has to force himself to look away.

“yeah so, i think chenle is gonna make the team. he’s super worried but i keep telling him that he’s like, really good.” mark’s voice suddenly comes back and donghyuck blinks a few times.

“hyung.” he says, and mark looks over at him. “you’ve got like, the most perfect face structure.”

mark stares at him, and there’s this weird pause and for a second donghyuck thinks he’s said something ridiculous which wouldn’t be that surprising. but then mark’s face softens and he lets out a breezy laugh that makes donghyuck’s skin breakout into goosebumps.

“thanks hyuck.” he chuckles. “i think you have a nice, uh, face structure too?”

“ugh, you’re so cheesy mark.” donghyuck huffs. “but thank you, i know this face was hand crafted by god but it’s nice hearing it from you.”

mark laughs again, this time out loud, loud enough for it to rumble through his chest and donghyuck cant do anything but smile at him and ignore the butterflies floating around in his stomach.

then, jaemin walks out through the glass slide doors and approaches them from their seat on the swing. he glances at mark, then looks to donghyuck with his searing eyes that drips mischief into the air.

“hyuck, guess what.”

“what?” donghyuck asks, sitting up and placing his feet back on the floor.

“johnny hyung is here.” jaemin says. he blinks, then leans in closer and whispers. “he’s got stuff too.”

and maybe donghyuck doesn’t really know what stuff may consist of or look like. all he knows is that johnny suh is a grade A stoner, class of way before donghyuck was ever in high school, and has textbook memorization of just about every stimulant ever. and he’s only met the man once. so donghyuck obviously has only one choice, and that’s getting his hands on whatever american substance johnny is offering to a bunch of underage teens tonight.

so he nods, takes jaemin’s hand and tells mark to follow them as jaemin leads him back inside. there’s a sense of deja-vu he gets when they walk all the way down to the basement, closely resembling that of jaemin’s basement he’s done shit like this in last summer. so it can’t be that bad, donghyuck thinks—there’s a first time for everything.

turns out, “stuff” is code for illegal.

that’s what donghyuck finds out when he sits down in front of the coffee table, jaemin kneeling beside him as they look up to johnny likes hes some sort of god. johnny had told them to sit, and mark awkwardly sat on the couch next to yukhei and yuta is down here too.

“you guys haven’t tried this before right?” he asks, and jaemin and donghyuck both shake their heads no. there’s a weird smile plastered on Johnny’s face, which grows when he watches them reply. and donghyuck can feel his heart rate starting to pick up from the anticipation of it all.

he lets yukhei and yuta go first. which is somehow both comforting and terrifying at the same time. donghyuck, still clueless as to what they’ll be taking or what’s really going on in general, watches johnny tap out some powered white stuff onto the coffee table. then he pulls out his debit card and pushes around the powder, (which closely resembles sour sugar from the candy strips jisung always eats) into a straight line, before looking up to yukhei.

“all yours bro.”

yukhei smiles, lopsided again, and stands up. walking over to the coffee table and kneeling down next to donghyuck so that their knees brush up against eachother. if donghyuck sees mark glaring at him from the corner of his eyes, he ignores it, and watches yukhei with his full attention instead.

yukhei takes a deep breath, and then leans over the table and snorts the entire line up his nose. it happens so fast, if donghyuck blinked he would’ve missed it. but then yukhei is tilting his head back and kind of gasping and blinking and giggling, and he wipes his nose and looks at johnny.

“is it good?” johnny smiles.

“yeah bro.” yukhei hums, his voice comes out smoother and quieter, slower, “so good.”

“my turn.” jaemin announces. donghyuck can’t help but notice how he’s been staring at johnny since they’ve migrated down here, but he also chooses to ignore that. johnny pulls some more out of this little plastic bag. it’s a considerably smaller amount then what he gave yukhei, but donghyuck assumes it’s because they’re younger and yukhei has probably done this a thousand times, where as him and jaemin have never even seen it before.

however, that isn’t stopping jaemin at all. he dives in, literally, plugging one nostril with the tip of his thumb and snorting the powder like it really was sugar or something. it’s gone before donghyuck can ask if he’s sure about this, and the only thing left on the table is a little residue.

jaemin tosses his head back just like yukhei did, except when he opens his eyes again, the effect is there, it’s present. noticeable in the way his pupils are dilated—big enough to consume his entire iris. donghyuck looks at him, and jaemin sends him his award winning smile again, looking anything but worried. “oh my god.” he whispers. “it’s better than i thought.”

johnny chuckles from above them. “of course it is. it’s expensive, you’re lucky im giving you guys the newbie discount.” he says.

donghyuck is suddenly apprehensive about this when they all turn to look at him after johnny lines one up in front of him. he turns around to look at mark, who’s knee hasn’t stopped bouncing since they got here. “you sure you don’t wanna try it mark-hyung?” he asks gently.

“no..no im good. just uh, be careful? please?”

“dude, he’s fine.” johnny cuts in. “it’s not even that much.”

“okay, well he’s never done this before, i just don’t want him to-“

“it’s okay.” donghyuck interrupts. “it’s only a little? we’re here to have fun right?” he looks at mark expectantly.

mark has his bottom lip tugged between his teeth and donghyuck can feel how uncomfortable he is, but mark nods anyways. “yea.” he mumbles, and donghyuck sends him a wink before he does his first ever line of cocaine off of wong yukhei’s coffee table.

—

his first high hits harder than anything he’s ever felt before.

and, when it’s midnight and he’s a few milligrams in—stuck to the couch while jaemin runs his fingers through his hair and mark is nowhere to be found, while johnny talks to them about something and donghyuck can barely remember who’s house he’s at—he thinks back to jaemin’s basement and the words that jaehyun had said.

he was lying. donghyuck thinks. because on weed, he was in control of his body a little bit, and it felt good. it was good and he could handle it. but this, this is nothing like jaehyun’s messily rolled joint. this is the real heaven.

his face is numb. his limbs are useless and his tongue feels detached and everything is moving in slow motion and there’s so much. he wants more. wants to see how slow he can get his heart to pump.

yeah, his first high can only be described as euphoric. and when mark comes downstairs and tells them it’s time to go home, when mark looks at him with eyes that donghyuck has never been met with before, (the ones that will tell you everything you need to know; dark ones where you can see your reflection looking back at you and that’s enough for your stomach to flip and for heaven to start dissipating because mark isn’t happy with your choices right now.)

he hauls himself up, gets dizzy and sways on his feet and mark is right there, holding his forearm to steady him and searching for anything in his expression. “you good?” his voice comes out, mellow and faint like he’s standing on the opposite side of the room.

“im perfect.” Donghyuck hums, and he can feel his mouth stretch into a smile but it doesn’t catch up to him until he’s already done smiling, which is weird to think about.

mark helps donghyuck up the stairs, jaemin trailing close behind with Johnny’s hands ghosting over his hips, donghyuck can see how happy jaemin is, and so he decides he’s even happier.

jaemin tells mark to drop them both off at his house, and while renjun is passed out against jeno’s shoulders, jeno and mark share a look of concern as the two boys stumble and giggle out of his car.

“jaemin-ah.” jeno calls. “text me when you guys wake up tomorrow okay? just so i know you’re both good..”

“hyuckie..” jaemin smiles, his hands are holding donghyuck by the waist and donghyuck watches as the ground starts to move in ripples. he lifts his head and jaemin pushes his face into the crook of his neck. “they think what we’re doing is bad.” he whispers, only for donghyuck to hear.

and maybe, donghyuck is sober for a millisecond to think clearly. and In his moment of clarity where his vision goes sharp and he can makeout the lines of mark in the drivers seat and jeno in the back, he can feel how hard his heart is beating and how hot his face is, aware of how quiet the air around them is..when just a few moments ago all donghyuck could hear was noise. (he couldn’t register what noise it was, just something that consumed his ear drums and filled the silence between him and his friends..something like the noise of his blood rushing though his body, or the nerve endings sparking up.)

“im sleepy.” donghyuck finally mumbles. jaemin giggles again and turns on his heel, dragging donghyuck with him by the wrist.

“thank you for the ride, mark-hyung!” jaemin calls.

if mark stays parked out front in jaemin’s driveway for an extra ten minutes, just in case, jeno doesn’t mention it to anyone.

donghyuck is a senior when jaemin buys them a gram off of johnny in a random alley way in broad daylight. and for an extra twenty dollars, johnny sells them a few tabs of klonopin for shits and giggles.

he learns about street terms the summer after junior year, because jaemin starts hanging out with johnny a lot. and it’s weird, because jaemin will be cool when donghyuck wants to hangout with mark and their friends. he’ll say yes, and sit on the couch with them and laugh for a few minutes at whatever joke jisung will say. but an hour in, hes always pulling his phone out, and texting donghyuck about how he wants to see johnny and how he wants donghyuck to come with him and how he wants to get high and how he wants, wants, wants..

donghyuck doesn’t think he’s missing out on much. but the look mark gives him when jaemin makes up some shitty excuse, and when their jogging out of renjun’s living room
and giggling as johnny pulls his black Mercedes up at the corner; donghyuck doesn’t like that part at all.

he also doesn’t like how jaemin will leave him when they get to Johnny’s apartment, tucked behind a grungy part in the city where he doesn’t really know where he is or how to get home. jaemin will look at him, give him a sympathetic look and make another promise.

“ill be out soon, just, watch a movie or something? do a line..relax donghyuck.” he smiles.

donghyuck sends him a glare as he sits down on Johnny’s couch. “i was relaxed with mark, until you kidnapped me for this shit hole..again.”

“don’t be dramatic.” jaemin huffs, tosses him his bookbag. “there’s at least enough in there for ten minutes.”

donghyuck rolls his eyes, but starts digging around for a baggie anyways. and then johnny is calling for jaemin from the hallway and jaemin leans over and presses a kiss to donghyucks cheek. “ill be back.” he whispers, then disappears to wherever johnny is.
the thing is, donghyuck is not stupid.

and he doesn’t really know why jaemin feels the need to hide the fact that he’s fucking their dealer. but donghyuck can put two and two together, especially when yuta asked him why he was getting blow for so cheap when johnny charged him twice the amount for the same stuff. donghyuck just shrugged, thinking about “the newbie” discount and how they’ve been buying from johnny for a whole year now..so it had to be something else.

there’s anxiety pulsing through his veins while he waits for jaemin. he does a line off of a dirty dollar bill he finds in his pocket, and sits back against the couch to text mark.

mark tells him that jisung scraped his knee up bad when they went out to skate. donghyuck wishes he was at the skatepark instead of Johnny’s apartment, eavesdropping so hard his ears strain.

the apartment is cold and quiet, kind of like Donghyuck’s own. except, where donghyuck has siblings running around and dirty dishes everywhere, johnny-hyung has no one, and there’s a few spoons on the end table but besides that, his place is clean. it doesn’t look like those trap houses jaemin used to bring him to, when jaehyun had to run inside real quick to pick up some bud and told them to stay in the car. and it doesn’t look like the places in the movies, with drugs scattered on every surface, the ones that look abandoned and unlivable and gross.

so donghyuck deems johnny as nice.

he’s nice. not anything more. he gives them rides when mark can’t pick him up, he compliments the glitter that jaemin puts on his cheekbones, and he lets them get high whenever they ask. so he’s nice. but there’s an edge to johnny that’s not like the other hyungs. where jaehyun is familiar, family, and sometimes when taeyong hangs out with them, and it feels like he’s their parent or something. donghyuck can tell there’s stuff that johnny doesn’t let them see. because, even after the hours they spent laughing over things they can’t even remember, or when johnny buys them food instead of coke and donghyuck will pretend like he’s just their friend, he can feel it still. the obvious age difference, the years of experience hidden behind johnny’s dark eyes. the scars on his arms from things donghyuck could never ask about. he knows that johnny is dangerous.

his eyes shift around the living room when he finds himself psychoanalyzing. there’s a photo frame on the bookshelf, and when donghyuck squints he can see what looks to be Johnny’s mom. and then donghyuck realizes that he knows next to nothing about the man who’s living room he’s sitting in, the man who’s probably doing crazy stuff to his best friend in the other room, the man who’s feeding his substance abuse addiction even if donghyuck isn’t fully aware of it.

yet.

mark is an enigma.

donghyuck finds this out when he is just shy of turning eighteen. it’s minutes before midnight, and mark is facing him on his bed. criss crossed, knees bumping against eachother, mark’s lip caught between his teeth as he tries not to laugh too loud so he doesn’t wake up donghyuck’s siblings.

when his mother gave him permission to let mark sleepover for his birthday, donghyuck almost cried in excitement. but he quickly realized how embarrassing that would be, (especially on his eighteenth) so instead he settled for hugging her as tight as possible and promising that they wouldn’t wake his brothers.

now, as donghyuck giggles so hard he has to surpass it with a pillow, he’s rethinking the validity of his promise. but that’s a problem future donghyuck can deal with.

“i got you a present.” mark whispers, right after he hits donghyuck lightly on the chest for making a dick joke that was so cheesy, mark couldn’t stop his laughter.

“what? hyung i told you that wasn’t allowed..you have college to save up for!” donghyuck protests.

“please hyuck, college isn’t for a whole nother summer and you’re my best friend and it’s your birthday. so obviously i have to get you something.”

“not for another three minutes.” Donghyuck comments, and mark just glares at him which makes him giggle again.

donghyuck watches mark twist his back around and reach under his bed for his book bag, the one he’s had since sophomore year. it’s dirty and stained and there’s still the sharpie heart from when donghyuck had publicly announced to their friends that mark was his valentine.

he pulls out a small, velvet box. then looks at donghyuck with big, black eyes that donghyuck thinks might hold the entire universe in them.

“it’s not an engagement ring so don’t freak out.” he says quickly, hands the box over to donghyuck’s sweaty palms with shaky hands. “but it’s something, you know, for when im not here all the time..?” he hesitates.

donghyuck makes a mental note to make fun of him about how awkward he is later, but takes the box anyways and stays silent. he opens it, and a little diamond stares back at him.

for a moment, there’s only thick tension in the air as donghyuck pulls out the necklace. there’s a sunflower charm dangling at the end, and it catches the light and glows golden and silver and donghyuck is suddenly struggling to breathe with how warm is heart feels.

“hyung..”

“do you like it.” mark asks, barely above a whisper.

“how much did this cost?” Donghyuck deadpans. he lifts the necklace up in front of his face to further inspect it.

“hyuck.” mark whines. “you aren’t supposed to ask that.”

“im sorry, this is just. wow, mark, I don’t know what to say.”

“you could say thank you. or mark-hyung you’re the bestest ever and i will let you have my daily ice cream all summer.” mark hums, raises his voice to mimic donghyuck.

“first of all i do not sound like that.” Donghyuck huffs and moves the box over so he can stand up and hover over mark. mark blinks, because all of a sudden they’re close, and donghyuck glances over at the alarm clock on his nightstand to see that it’s midnight.

“second of all..” he whispers, then hands the necklace to mark, moves his hair a little and mark takes the hint to stand up and put his present on to donghyuck. donghyuck gets goosebumps when he does this, his fingers ghosting over his nape, and mark’s hands linger there for a second longer than needed. “thank you, hyung. and you are the bestest.”

“you’re welcome.” mark smiles, and donghyuck looks up at him and realizes theres centimeters of space left between their faces and if donghyuck tilts his chin up...(mark grew a lot over the years, so now donghyuck has to go on his tip-toes just to hug him)

“happy birthday hyuck.” mark whispers, he’s still staring.

“mark.” donghyuck says.

“hmm?”

“i have to ask you for one more thing for my birthday.”

mark smiles, wider, happier.

“and what is that?” he says. “you know it’s not good to be selfish, hyuck-ah.”

“i know, but it’s my eighteenth.” donghyuck lets his eyes drop to marks lips, then back up to his black eyes. “and i think you can compromise just this once.”

donghyuck doesn’t even have to say it. because mark is raising his hand and cupping the hinge of donghyuck’s jaw, and he’s pulling him closer, and closer and he’s pressing his lips to donghyuck.

so donghyuck has his first kiss one minute into his eighteenth birthday.

and mark’s lips make him feel extraordinarily
better than any drug he’s ever tried before.

senior prom was not something he ever thought he would want to go to. he never even entertained the idea, since it usually revolved around wearing a basic suit and tag alongside a girl whom he barely knew. but when mark asked, donghyuck couldnt possibly say no

it’s then, too, that he convinces mark to wear a tie that matches his dress pants. he convinces mark to wear violet, to put glitter on the tops of his cheekbones, and to hold his hand as they walk into the gymnasium, along with jeno and jeno’s date, jaemin, and renjun.

marks hand calms him down. it usually does. whenever he’s around more people then he wants to be, if mark is next to him, it’s better.

mark and cocaine are donghyuck’s two favorite things in the entire world. and before tonight, he never thought he could have both at the same time.

he steals mark away from the immersive conversation at the table, where renjun is describing in vivid detail his recent hookup. mark doesn’t ask any questions, while donghyuck giggles and tugs them into the locker rooms.

“hyuck.” mark calls as donghyuck locks them in a stall and grins up at him expectantly. “you look like you’re about to suggest something really dumb.”

“you always underestimate me, mark lee.” Donghyuck smiles as he kneels on the floor and kicks the toilet seat close.

“that’s so unsanitary.” mark comments, staring down at him with wide, curious eyes.

donghyuck ignores him in favor of pulling out a clear plastic bag. white littles crystals sparkle back at him, and he smiles even wider when he catches mark’s eyes.

“what’s that.” mark whispers.

donghyuck grabs his wrist and pulls him down on the ground with him. “it’ll make this boring prom be so much better, i promise.”

the older looks hesitant, and when donghyuck tells him to watch him, to keep his eyes glued to him and see how it’s done, mark doesn’t say anything, but listens. he watches donghyuck, line up a perfect dose and sniff it up his nose like it’s fucking sugar. and when it’s mark’s turn, mark turns his neck to glance at him one more time. “you sure i won’t die or something?”

donghyuck shakes his head. “you’ll probably just feel alive for the first time, hyung.”

johnny explains the do’s and dont’s like he’s a fucking professor giving a lecture. except, jaemin and donghyuck aren’t college students and johnny doesnt have a degree, and donghyuck is pretty sure they don’t learn how to inject heroine at school.

the thing about drugs is that, once you start with the light shit, like the weed in jaehyun’s basement, or maybe a psychedelic in the bathroom of your high school, you’re bound to want to try other stuff. you get this craving of a deeper high, one that will take you to further places than before, becuase it’ll feel better. it’ll always be better than the last.

so when donghyuck finds himself geeking out over the fact that he hasn’t played with coke in awhile. when his hands are a little too cold to be deemed normal and when he starts sniffing the used straw and tilting his head back often to see if he’ll get a high off the remnants in his own mucus, he decides that it’s time to experiment again. professors have science labs and johnny is one hell of a scientist.

he doesn’t know why he chooses not to mention it to mark. maybe it’s because mark doesn’t really know the full extent to how much donghyuck uses nowadays. Donghyuck knows drugs make him uncomfortable and he’ll choose mark over anything any day, so he decides to keep it a secret when he tells him that him and jaemin are going out for a bit. he leaves the not-so important details out, and tells mark he can pick him up at one am.

“you guys haven’t taken anything in the past forty-eight hours right?” johnny asks. he has donghyuck and jaemin seated on his couch again.

“nope.” jaemin says, answers for both of them, “we’re clean.”

“hyuck?” johnny glances to him.

he shakes his head no. and he tries his best to remember his history of consumption but his memory has gone a little dry since he started messing around with “fun stuff” as jaemin likes to call it. he doesn’t remember taking anything, so he should be A-okay.

“we wouldn’t want any other chemical mixing with this shit in your body. it could be lethal.” johnny hums as he stars unpacking his bag on the table. “first rule every user knows—don’t mix. uppers and downers, coke and alcohol, heroine and unidentified substances running around in my boyfriend and his best friend’s blood streams.” he jokes.

donghyuck is terrified though, jaemin laughs and looks back at him, giving him a smile and quirking his eye brow at him when donghyuck gives him an expressionless look of dread back.

“are you okay hyuck?”

“hyung are you sure this is safe?” donghyuck asks, he looks down to see his fingers shaking.

“yea, we’re chill. ill be here, this is a safe place hyuck. no need to worry.”

“yeah i get it’s a safe place, is the drug safe though?” he says nervously.

“i mean. drugs are drugs.” johnny shrugs. “i wouldnt say it’s good for you. but you’ll feel like you’re on fucking cloud nine.”

donghyuck thinks he might throw up. but jaemin tells him he’s going through withdrawal, so he holds donghyuck’s hand as johnny ties this weird rubber thing above the crease of his elbow, pulls out a needle and tells donghyuck to take a deep breath in.

it’s blurry from there.

there’s a rush, something that feels close to the feeling of falling, or hanging out of a car window on the highway where the wind is so strong you can’t even open your eyes.

donghyuck feels his insides light up, like he’s burning from within. his limbs are heavy, like weights are tied to them and he’s glued to Johnny’s couch as he blinks a few times and watches jaemin take his share.

everything is slow.

his brain, his breathing, his heart beat, Johnny’s voice.

donghyuck closes his eyes. and he wishes that mark was the one holding his hand instead of jaemin.

donghyuck used to watch his dad crush up codeine and snort it when he was five years old. he used to watch his dad come home at ungodly hours of the morning, higher than a fucking kite while he stumbled through their apartment and acted like a teenager even though he had three kids and a wife at home. he used to watch his father be a general waste of space, absent on his birthdays and only coming back when he needed cash or a lighter or food; he was always looking for something.

and it’s stupid. donghyuck hated him becuase he demanded respect and demanded his needs be met when he never really cared about his children or the mother of them, and how they might feel about all of it.
and so donghyuck promised himself that he would never end up like his father. he was the oldest amongst his siblings and he had to be there to protect his mother and them from the horrible circumstances his father dropped on them.

so why does donghyuck find himself here?

heroine is good.

weed was okay, and coke was not that bad, but those highs were pathetic compared to this.

and it’s a dangerous thing because donghyuck has always been greedy and he’s always wanted more. he wants to feel better and the only thing that will give him what he wants is heroine.

so he goes to Johnny’s apartment by himself for the first time. and there, johnny flaunts a little bag of stuff around that smells like heroine except this time it’s not liquid floating around in a needle.

“i know you like shit up your nose, hyuck-ah.” johnny tells him, voice raspy from sleep because it’s in the middle of the night.

johnny charges him forty dollars and donghyuck gives him thirty and tells him he can do something else to make up the rest of it.

he does something really awful.

and he knows it’s awful and that it’s gonna feel worse then anything ever. worse then falling off his bike when he was six, worse then mark’s face whenever he gets into his car high, worse then his mother’s face when she sees the entry marks on his forearm.

he’s terrible, he thinks. when johnny tugs his wrist so that he stumbles into his apartment and then johnny is tugging and tugging, and all of a sudden donghyuck is on his knees in Johnny’s pitch-black bedroom.

he wants to cry when it’s over. because his throat hurts and his heart hurts worse and he wonders how fucked up he is to do this to mark, do this to jaemin.

he doesn’t realize he’s crying until johnny mentions it.

“don’t worry about it.” johnny hums, runs his fingers through donghyucks hair and places the baggie into his palm. “we don’t have to tell him..?”

“easier said than done.” Donghyuck bites, shoves johnny’s hands off him and struggles to get back on his feet. “jaemin is my best-“

“baby.” johnny interrupts him. “he’s done worse stuff to you.”

donghyuck blinks, a hot tear falling down his cheek as he looks up at johnny. “what do you mean?”

there’s silence, and then johnny grabs his chin and forces donghyuck to look at him. “he’s got you hooked on this shit.” johnny whispers, slides his hands over the baggie in his palm.

so, he gives his first blowjob to johnny in his apartment. and then after that, he decides he hates his best friend for the first time in his entire life.

and he hates himself a little bit more than that.

he skips the last day of senior year in favor of hanging out with mark. and jeno and renjun are there too, and jisung begs his mom to let him go and he convinces chenle after that. jaemin does not open donghyuck’s text, and he doesn’t answer any of them. when donghyuck checks his location, he’s at Johnny’s apartment.

donghyuck tries not to think about it, while mark dangles his hand on his side—eventually intertwining his with donghyuck’s. jeno and renjun don’t say anything, neither does donghyuck.

mark’s hand is warm.

and it would be warmer, donghyuck thinks, if his brain wasn’t fully immersed in jaemin’s whereabouts, or if johnny spilled their secret, or if his friendship with him was over.

the day goes smoothly for the most part. donghyuck sticks to mark as always, an unspoken alliance between them exists now that they’ve kissed, (and haven’t talked about it) but donghyuck likes to think mark knows about his not-so subtle crush and that’s why he holds his hand all day and laughs at his jokes even when the rest of them aren’t.

jeno and renjun leave mark’s house by ten, and after that, jisung’s mom is picking him and chenle up. donghyuck is grateful that mark doesn’t ask any questions when he throws a hoodie on and tugs mark out of his window and on to the roof.

“hyuck, this is dangerous.” mark says, stumbling a little over his feet as he tries to keep up with donghyuck, who’s successfully made it to the highest part of mark’s roof.

“it’s only dangerous if you fall, hyung.” he replies.

mark joins him there, sits down and lets donghyuck grab his hand and fidget with his fingers for awhile. donghyuck observes his knuckles, inspects the little bruises on them and the cuts from skating. his fingers calloused from the guitar, nails bitten down too short to not be painful, and the braided thread bracelets that line his wrist. they’re the details of mark that donghyuck hopes will be engraved into his memory forever.

they sit like that. in silence. the only thing between them is the sound of cars from the highway behind his house, and some barking from down the street. donghyuck cranes his neck to look at the stars, which glow through endless amounts of darkness and it’s so warm outside still—even this late. there’s warmth evaporating off the shingles under their feet, but even then, mark’s hoodie around his body traps the heat there.

“i used to be like, obsessed with constellations.” Donghyuck speaks up. “when i was little. i think my dad bought be a telescope for my sixth birthday.”

“do you still have it?”

“no.” his father threw it down the stairs on his seventh. “it broke.” he mutters.

“i think they’re super cool.” mark hums. “we should go to a planetarium sometime so we can use the really big, high tech ones. zoom in so far you could see Jupiter.”

donghyuck laughs. “we should.” he agrees. “what’s your zodiac, hyung?”

“leo.” mark answers. “i don’t know what that means but the first thing my girlfriend in third grade told me was that i was a leo.”

donghyuck got super lucky.

there’s silence for a while after that. and when donghyuck goes to lean his head on mark’s shoulder, mark places his hand on the tops of his thigh and opens his mouth.

“hey hyuck?”

“yea?”

there’s a pause, “how come jaemin didn’t come with us today?”

donghyuck doesn’t answer right away. instead, he pushes every bit of dignity down and tries his hardest to come up with a good enough excuse.

it’s really none of his business what jaemin does or who he hangs out with. but donghyuck is selfish and he wants to know everything, the good, the bad, the ugly and the gross and everything in between. and jaemin hides that shit from him. he thinks donghyuck will judge him for the poison he injects, he doesn’t know that donghyuck is next in line for the same needle.

he makes some weak story up about how jaemin caught a cold in the middle of summer and therefore, couldn’t hangout with them. mark doesn’t push it any further. maybe donghyuck isn’t a very good liar.

mark is an enigma. his soulmate.

donghyuck kisses him on the roof of his house again.

mark offers him a hand, helping him down until they’re back to flat feet in marks room. and mark doesn’t let go, no, he steps closer until he’s in donghyuck’s space—until donghyuck can feel his breath fanning on to his cheeks and his heart beating.

and mark kisses him again, and again, until donghyuck is breathless and begging for one more. when he does this, mark gives in, sliding his tongue across donghyuck’s lip and pressing his fingers into the pillowy skin of his hips. it’s dark in his room, and the moon glows from his sheer curtains on to his face and mark wants to map out the constellations there instead of the ones in the sky.

he’s pressed against the bed that smell like marks shampoo. he reaches up and threads his fingers through thick, black hair, tugging the older closer until their mouths can connect again and the searing fire in his chest is tamed.

mark’s hovering over his body, knocking his thighs apart with his knees and trapping himself between them—donghyuck wants to keep him here forever.

from there, it’s hot kisses, with only teeth and tongue, spit collecting at the seam of his lips and mark licks it back into his mouth. it should be gross, but mark is doing so well, being so good, donghyuck cant complain now.

“hyung.” he gasps into mark’s mouth. mark’s hands are hot, pressing finger-shaped bruises into him as he pushes his shirt up, just enough for his stomach to be exposed and his golden skin to reflect the light from outside.

“hyuck, i-donghyuck” mark pins him down with his own hips. donghyuck shutters, a full body shiver that racks through his spine and down to his toes when mark does this. they haven’t talked—they won’t speak about the kiss they shared forever ago, or the weird connection they have that they don’t with their other friends, donghyuck wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t talk about whatever they’re doing now.

“it’s too hot.” donghyuck whines, which is half true, from the sweat that’s beginning to stick on the sides of his neck and hairline. but really, he just wants to get mark’s shirt off and wants to feel marks skin on his and so much more.

“yeah, uh..” mark pulls away and stares down at him with wide eyes. “okay, hold on.” he’s sitting on his knees, donghyuck’s legs spread out in front of him and his shirt is pushed up so far. donghyuck wants it all to come off.

“take it off hyung.” he says, reaches forward to grab the hem of his tshirt and tug at it.

mark sighs, pulls his shirt over his head in less than second while keeping eye contact with donghyuck, and all of a sudden donghyuck feels heat pulse through his stomach when he’s met face to face with mark’s abs and chest.

“my mom is downstairs.” mark mumbles, but donghyuck is too busy running his nails down the dips and crevasses of his skin, counting the muscles there, not even trying to hide how turned on he is.

“mark, you’re ripped.” he says, dumbfounded with the want to kiss him there too.

mark chuckles, his hand reaching forward to grab at donghyuck’s side and push him back down against his sheets. “what do you wanna do? we can do whatever..my mom is-“

“i want it in me.” Donghyuck interrupts. his eyes are watering and his mouth is dry from how much he wants. he’s never been this hot in his life, like his body is burning from the inside out and it’s being set ablaze just from mark’s hands on him.

mark blinks, “are you sure?”

“please.” he huffs, he wants to beg for it.

“okay, um, okay yeah..hyuck..we just gotta be quiet.” mark watches as donghyuck leans forward and kisses at his bare collarbones.

“ill be quiet.” he says. “ill be good for you, please mark, i want you so bad.”

“fuck.” mark shivers against him when donghyuck bites the side of his neck, licks over the bruise he puts there and pulls back to watch it bloom.

his heart jumps when mark reaches for his shirt, and it’s like all the events leading up to this finally catch on to him and he grabs mark’s wrist hard and stares up at him.

“what?”

“im just, just don’t look.” he whispers. “i don’t look like you.”

marks gaze is soft, when he nods, kisses reassuring words on to his lips and promises him that he doesn’t have to be embarrassed. and when he lifts donghyuck’s tshirt over his head and discards it on to the floor, his eyes don’t shift to his exposed skin, but stay locked on his lips as he surges forward and tugs them into his mouth.

“you’re so pretty.” mark says between breathes, “i think you’re the prettiest thing alive.”

donghyuck looses count of how many times mark lee has made the warmth inside his heart flare up. he traces it back—when mark is kissing him all over his chest and littering bites on to his flushed skin, pressing into his hips swallowing the noises he makes—he’s left to close his eyes and reminisce on the days where mark would be nervous and sweaty-palmed just by talking to him. where donghyuck would crack a smile and offer him ice cream, where mark would do his homework while donghyuck stared at his hair and wondered what the strands felt like against his fingertips.

he’s come to realize that mark is maybe more important to him then what he knew. he wasnt capable of understanding it before, when his veins pulsed with names of drugs he couldn’t even pronounce, and his eyes would be so dilated his vision turned blurry. he wasn’t able to put a name to the feelings he felt when mark was near him.

but now, mark is touching him. and mark’s lips on his and his hands are wandering, down, down, down, until they stop at his jeans and when mark meets his eyes, donghyuck looks up and only is capable of nodding to express how much he wants.

mark is real. the happiness he brings donghyuck is even realer.

it’s not long before donghyuck is panting. mark is pressed so close to him, his body weight practically crushing his diaphragm as mark works him open on two fingers and whispers nasty shit into his ear.

donghyuck has never done anything like this before. and it’s proven true by the overwhelming heat pouring out from within, when mark presses deeper, covers his mouth with his other hand and whispers against donghyuck’s thigh that he needs to stay quiet.

donghyuck thinks that mark is asking a lot from him right now. because his fingers are so long, nothing compared to donghyuck’s own, and the feeling is so different and so good, donghyuck wants to scream.

and when mark presses his thighs apart further and pushes his pants down just enough for his cock to spring out, when mark grabs donghyuck by the hips and tugs his forward, locking him in with his arms and reminding him to breathe, donghyuck can’t help but squeeze his eyes shut and let the enigma that is mark lee completely take over him.

mark settles into him in one thrust that has donghyuck biting the back of his hand so hard it bleeds. all of a sudden he’s there, in front of him, in him, and donghyuck feels like he’s being burned alive, in the best way possible.

“hyung.” he drags out over a long whine, that sounds more like a whimper when it comes out. mark lifts his neck to look at him, eyebrows creased with focus and theres sweat beading at his hairline too. donghyuck meets his eyes and wonders what he ever did in his past life to deserve something like this.

“are you good?” mark asks, “is it good?”

donghyuck can’t answer, fuck, he can’t even breathe. but his facial expression tells marks enough.

they fuck like that. it’s hot, fast and messy and so different from what donghyuck expected his first time to be like. (granted, he never really expected his first time to be with a boy, but that’s a topic for a different day.)

mark is good, even when he’s insisting that he’s only ever done it once and that donghyuck is also his first boy, donghyuck doesn’t believe him for shit. he’ll pull back and sit on his knees, press donghyuck’s legs so far back they hit his chest and fuck him like his life is on the line. donghyuck wonders if this is what jaemin has been bragging about for months.

it’s over too soon, donghyuck comes all over himself the second mark gets a hand on him and jerks him off to completion. and then mark’s pulling out and wrapping the same hand around himself and there’s only a few seconds that donghyuck gets to watch, his eyebrows furrowing and his voice getting raspier and then he’s spurting out onto the expanse of donghyuck’s golden skin and the sight is so obscene donghyuck has no choice but to close his eyes and bask in it.

afterwards, when mark had cleaned them up and pulled his boxers back on, donghyuck clings to him under the sheets. mark doesn’t seem to mind, he wraps his arm around donghyuck’s back and pulls him in closer. donghyuck wants to tell him so much, an overwhelming desire to pour out all of his secrets into the room since mark has already seen so much of him. but before he can open his mouth and tell mark that he’s addicted to heroine, mark kisses him on the lips and whispers, “goodnight baby,” and donghyuck’s heart couldn’t handle anything more than that.

jaemin calls him at three in the morning. his voice is raspy through the speaker and donghyuck can’t register what the boy is saying because jaemin is crying so hard, his words are slurred and he’s panicking over the other line. donghyuck hauls himself out of bed and pulls cloth shorts on and marks hoodie before he jumps out his window. jaemin is already sitting on the curb outside.

donghyuck frowns when he gets to him, stopping where the grass ends and the blacktops starts. when he steps on it, there’s heat from the day that still seeps into the bottoms of his feet. it quiet, except for the sound of jaemin crying.

“what’s wrong?” Donghyuck whispers. he’s not used to seeing his friend like this. jaemin is loud, expressive when he wants to be and silent when jeno or mark are talking. he observes from the background and only when he’s with donghyuck alone will he ever let go. donghyuck wonders if this is him letting go.

“johnny told me.” he says, through small, broken whimpers.

donghyuck blinks, theres burning at the edges of his eyes and he moves to sit down next to him on the curb.

“what did he say?”

theres silence, and jaemin lifts his head to look at donghyuck. donghyuck watches intently, his eyes big and red, irradiated from crying—or something else.

“he told me what you offered him.” jaemin says, his voice remains steady, and donghyuck wonders if he’s angry or if he can’t really pinpoint the emotions being drenched onto him. “i just wish you would’ve asked me first.”

“im sorry.” donghyuck is inching closer, but jaemin pulls away and a tinge of guilt floods through him.

“im not mad.” he hums, wipes his eyes with the back of his hand. donghyuck catches a glimmer and his eyes drop to the bruises splayed out on to his knuckles. he doesn’t say anything.

“why?”

“because it’s not your fault.” jaemin looks at him. “just, if you need money you can ask me? okay? it doesn’t even bother me that it was johnny..” his eyes go darker and donghyuck stares at him, something horrible boiling up his throat. “..it’s that you thought that would be the only way to get it. you shouldn’t sell yourself like that.”

“okay.” Donghyuck whispers. “okay, im sorry. i was just so-“

“i know.” jaemin grabs his hand and pulls it into his lap. “i get it, hyuck. im sorry.”

donghyuck doesn’t know what jaemin is apologizing for. but instead of asking, he lets jaemin press a kiss to his hand and rest his head on jaemin’s shoulder. they sit in silence until johnny pulls up to the car and picks jaemin up, donghyuck doesn’t look at johnny the whole time.

he’s been hosting a fever for three days. donghyuck hasn’t been able to get up for three days.

jaemin comes over on the fourth day, after donghyuck texts him saying that his body feels like it’s failing, and enters his room with an orange bottle.

“you’re sick.” jaemin says, sits on the foot of the bed and unpacks his bag there. “it’s not withdrawal.”

“are you sure.” donghyuck groans. he’s been sweating buckets and throwing up every few hours and he’s only experienced withdrawal once and it seems a little too close to this.

“yea, i mean, unless you’ve been clean for a week and you’re detoxing, i highly doubt it.”

“im not.” donghyuck whispers. “..clean i mean-im not clean.”

“exactly.” jaemin smiles at him. “here.” he hands donghyuck the orange bottle.

“what is this?”

“it’s just some pain relievers. nothing too crazy, it’ll break your fever so you can come with us tonight.”

donghyuck pops two of the white tablets without further questions and flushes it down with the sprite in jaemin’s hand.

where jaemin takes him is different from the usual shit he’s dragging him to. most of the time, it’ll be random addresses that johnny sends to him, ones tucked away into the darkest parts of the city where neon lights shine green and pink on to the streets and where there’s people older and smarter and more experienced then them that offer stronger, deeper, harder, shit. donghyuck doesn’t take it most the time. most the time, he’s already high, and jaemin tells him to ignore them, so he does. they listen to johnny, and johnny only.

jaemin takes him somewhere while whispering giggles into his ear and smiling about how excited he is. donghyuck doesn’t know why, or where they’re going. he doesn’t plan on ever knowing, either. and he wonders if jaemin already knows this, because when donghyuck asks, jaemin doesn’t bother answering. he’s almost grateful for it. because the inevitable is that donghyuck won’t remember where they’ll end up by tomorrow. he won’t remember it and that’s the whole reason he’s doing it. so donghyuck doesn’t bother asking about this anymore and jaemin doesn’t bother telling him either.

johnny is here. and so is jaehyun. that’s the first thing donghyuck notices when jaemin tugs him into someone else’s apartment. donghyuck is not surprised, he usually ends up at a stranger’s house when they do things like this. he is, however, surprised to see Ten Lee standing in the middle of the living room.

there’s nervousness pooling in his stomach, when johnny stands and greets them and looks at jaemin for longer than usual and donghyuck can see it when it washes through jaemin’s eyes—like he’s physically pained whenever johnny acknowledges him. donghyuck doesn’t want to think about it for too long, because ten is grabbing his wrist and grinning at him.

“oh, you’ve gotten so big.” ten holds his face in both his hands and runs his thumb over the glitter there. “you’re so pretty, my donghyuck..did you miss me?”

“i dont know.” Donghyuck hums, he wants ten to stop touching him but he doesn’t voice this. “i haven’t seen you in awhile.”

“im sorry.” ten says. “ive had stuff to work out. but i got you something since johnny said you were coming tonight. do you wanna see it?”

“yes.” he answers. and then he looks back to see jaemin sitting on Johnny’s lap in the corner of the living room, where jaehyun isn’t paying attention because he’s rolling a blunt on the end table.

everything is already moving slow. he doesn’t know how he ends up in ten’s bedroom but he’s there now. and then ten drags him again into his bathroom and locks the door behind him and tells him to sit on the floor.

ten’s bathroom is weird. because there’s an abundance of wet towels on the floor and there’s cigarette butts scattered everywhere. he stares at the lava lamp plugged into the outlet on the counter and doesn’t see ten make a line on the edge of the tub until he’s doing it.

for a second, he wonders if this is what his friends have always been like, and maybe it was just donghyuck who never had the energy to open his eyes or actually look to see what was going on. suddenly, it feels like this shit is normalized when donghyuck feels so guilty about it he can’t even say it out loud. ten is laughing and tossing his back, sniffing while his eyes drop to donghyuck expectantly.

“are you just gonna sit there or are you going to offer me some.” Donghyuck mumbles.

this makes ten smile widely and he gets on his knees and crawls across the bathroom floor to get up in donghyuck’s face and push his hair behind his ear.

“you’re an angel, do you know that?” ten whispers. “don’t tell jaemin this, but you were always my favorite.”

“why?” donghyuck looks at him, his skin is practically glowing. illuminating this light that’s more human than anything donghyuck has seen. when he thinks about it, he realizes that ten has always been the most beautiful person he’s met.

“because.” ten says. “i remember you when you were so innocent. you were like, a fucking white piece of paper. flawless.”

Donghyuck blushes, his heart hurts at the use of past tense and the shit he’s about to get hit with when ten opens his mouth again.

“and now you’re ruined.” he hums, tilts his head and stares at donghyuck’s lips. gazing down his neck and he pushes his thumb into a hickey that mark left on the side of his neck the day before. donghyuck stops breathing for a second.

donghyuck has never gotten ten’s attention like this before. he was around a lot, back when jaemin and him would hangout at the diner freshman year and jaehyun would pull ten into their booth and ten would eat off donghyuck’s plate and complain about boys. they were seniors then. and then ten went off to college and left their hometown friends and only came back for the summer. donghyuck doesn’t know why he never went back this year. or why ten’s living alone or why he has bruises on his wrists and neck, or why he’s doing lines off the side of his tub, or why he’s acting like donghyuck was ever his friend. donghyuck doesn’t know any of this and he surely doesn’t care, because then ten is sliding a tablet into his palm without breaking eye contact.

“what is it?” he asks, lowers his voice even those there’s music playing and it’s thumping so hard donghyuck feels it in his veins.

ten grins. “LSD.” he whispers. “you will literally see the world for what it is. fucking insane.”

“how long will it last.”

“like a while. maybe less maybe more. you can stay in here and have fun, baby.”

“okay.” he nods. ten is still on his knees, between donghyuck’s bent ones, his hand is on his thigh and he keeps squeezing it. “are you gonna stay in here with me?”

“im gonna get jaehyun to do shots with me. and then ill come check up on you.” ten leans in and kisses donghyuck on the center of his cheek before he stands abruptly. “open.” he says. and donghyuck obeys without question, sticking his tongue out for ten to place the tab onto it.

“you’re so good.” ten hums. and the next second he’s leaving the bathroom and closing the door behind him and donghyuck blinks and watches the walls start to move.

when it happens, he feels the safest he’s ever been. paralyzed on ten’s floor as he slumps his head against the wall and realizes this is the feeling he’s been chasing for his entire life. even when he’s by himself, he thinks its better like this. shit, it’s fucking incredible when he’s alone, because the music is gone and there’s only the sound of jaemin laughing outside and the hollow thumping in his brain.

he wants it so bad. wants to stay here forever. he’s seeing shit he never even thought existed. there’s colors that are new and when he opens his eyes wider he can feel the air vibrating through the gaps in his lungs when he gasps for it.

donghyuck trips on lsd for five hours by himself in ten’s bathroom. and when it’s over he’s blinking away the fuzziness and stumbling out into the living room where johnny and jaemin are no longer on the couch, but a girl donghyuck has never seen before occupies the space next to jaehyun and ten is sitting on the kitchen counter with a blunt hanging out of his lips. donghyuck doesn’t tell anyone when he sneaks out of his apartment, doesn’t bother texting jaemin and doesn’t bother thanking ten for his drugs.

instead, he calls mark and wipes at his eyes while he waits outside on the curb. he’s already craving the high, and he can feel himself slipping away and the only thing he knows that will keep him grounded is mark. except, when mark pulls up and gets out of the car, stumbling towards donghyuck and helping him up, he doesn’t look happy or pretty or anything like donghyuck wanted him to.

he looks at donghyuck with fear in his eyes. and he doesn’t speak either, he just holds on to donghyuck’s hand the entire drive back home. and when donghyuck is finally tucked under his sheets and wrapped around mark’s body, mark finally opens his mouth.

“you’re so delicate.” he whispers, while donghyuck lets his eyes fall close. “and they treat you like you’re not. it makes me mad.”

“what are you talking about.” he asks, his voice raspy and distant.

mark sighs. “i just want them to be careful with you.”

“im careful. jaemin takes care of me..”

“he doesn’t care.”

“i think you’re wrong.” Donghyuck opens his eyes to look at him. “you don’t have sympathy for him.”

“i don’t want to.” mark bites his lips, and the grip he has on donghyuck’s hip tightens. “i just want you to be okay. but you lie-“

“mark im tired.” he interrupts. “please, just hold me. i don’t wanna talk anymore.”

there’s a pause. and mark inches closer and runs his hand up Donghyuck’s side, pressing into the indents of his ribs. donghyuck wishes he could crawl into the space between mark’s, where there’s nothing other than him and the only thing that exists is them, together.

mark presses a kiss to his jaw. it’s short and small and sends shock waves into donghyuck.

“promise me you’re okay.” he whispers, even quieter.

and donghyuck, he finds himself lying again. when he nods, and looks at mark like he holds the entire universe in his eyes. “im okay.” he hums.

donghyuck doesn’t let him say anything more, because he turns around and faces the window instead of mark, and where mark’s hand is wrapped around his waist, keeping them pinned against eachother, this is the only thing stopping donghyuck from floating away. dissipating into thin air like he wants so badly.

he realizes he’s sick when a reflection that he doesn’t recognize stares back at him. he’s in mark bathroom, the door cracked open and mark is still sound asleep under the white covers. the only thing peaking out from under it is mark’s pitch black hair, scattered and messy and gorgeous.

donghyuck has the hem of his shirt between his teeth, racking his fingers down his own chest and torso as he gazes at himself. the boy looking back looks nothing like him.

it’s almost terrifying. if it wasn’t for the sheer guilt dripping like an IV in to his system. he can see his ribs, can see the bones of his skeleton protruding out of his skin that’s been dulled. it’s too early for this depth of self analysis that only ever presents itself when he’s the most vulnerable. (when he’s around johnny, drugs, or mark. all of which are extremely common aspects in his life now, so he’s constantly picking apart every detail of himself until there’s nothing left but the flaws. that is what he sees in the mirror right now.)

he wants it again.

it never leaves. which is something donghyuck has only recently discovered. the feeling that he craves so bad never leaves—not even when he has it or when it’s actively running through his blood and pumping into his brain. the feeling is still there, only mellowed out and tamed for a few minutes. the worst part, is that when it’s over, the fuzziness kicks in and comes back ten times harder. there’s a small window, donghyuck thinks, a very minuscule space between the good stuff and the bad.

he remembers when johnny was telling him this. he had said, while his hand was wrapped around donghyuck’s wrist and his eyes were glaring at him so dark it gave him goosebumps, that the difference between an active dose and an overdose is slim to nothing. he said it so seriously too, the hardest johnny has ever been to him.

there’s such a small gap. and donghyuck feels like it gets smaller every time he does a line and every time he gets high he wants to test it. he wants to see how small he can make this gap, before it closes. before the two ends touch and donghyuck winds up on the other side and then there’s no turning back. he wants to know what that is like.

he glances at mark in the bed again. the clock says it’s only seven thirty, but the feeling doesn’t go away. in fact, it just gets more intense when he wonders how much cash he has on him. he glares at himself one more time, sees how the shadow under his eyes are darker, his jaw more prominent and his cheekbones are poking through too. maybe he’s pretty like this, at least mark thinks so. And jaemin is constantly telling him he’s pretty, and sometimes he’ll catch johnny staring him from across the room.

he goes from zero to one hundred to fast. one second, he’s staring at marks bare back, standing in the middle of his room and wishing he could reach out and touch his hair and kiss him at the top of his spine. the next, he’s searching every square inch of mark’s room for his wallet.

mark must’ve been exhausted. he doesn’t even squirm while donghyuck rummages through his dresser, trying to be as subtle as possible while his heart rate skyrockets. it’s takes him five minutes until his eyes land on the brown leather sitting on mark’s desk. he thinks about how fucked up he is for this, as he grabs marks wallet and trudges back into the bathroom, locking the door behind him.

there’s two hundred and fifty three dollars in there. donghyuck takes all of it. he slides the cash into his back pocket and sniffs the residue of a baggy he found in his jacket to take the edge off. when he opens the bathroom door, mark is shuffling around in the bed. he throws the wallet quickly back on the desk and moves towards mark.

“hyung.” he whispers. mark turns over and his hands blindly reach for donghyuck, pulling him closer.

“are you awake.” Donghyuck giggles. “wake up, mark. im hungry.”

“it’s too early.” mark groans, but his grip reaches Donghyuck’s thigh and all of a sudden donghyuck is being pulled closer and straddling marks hips.

“mark.” Donghyuck hums sweetly, against marks lips. mark smiles, his hands winding around to grab donghyucks hips and keep him there.

mark leans up and kisses him right on the mouth. he tastes like pure sugar and donghyuck makes a noise, curling into him closer and pressing his hand to marks cheek. his eyes go droopy then, his high started to seep in, and it makes his stomach bubble with anticipation and happiness.

mark turns him on his back and hovers over him. it’s so early, they have to be the only ones up. and donghyuck feels so warm and good,as mark settles between his legs and sucks another bruise on to his skin.

“is this weird.” mark asks, his voice raspy as he presses his lips against donghyuck’s pulse.

“why would it be weird?”

mark looks up at him, keeping eye contact as he sucks on his collarbone. “that i can’t keep my hands off you, and we’re not even together.”

donghyuck whines when mark bites down on his skin. he brings his hand to the back of marks head and tugs him closer.

“we could be.” he whispers. “i think everyone already knows that we’re fucking.”

mark hums, pushes his hand between their bodies and slides the waistband of donghyuck’s sweatpants down. “would you want that?”

“yea.” donghyuck replies instantly. “i want you to fuck me that’s what.”

“im serious donghyuck.” mark bites his skin again, and his hips grind down against donghyuck’s which make donghyuck gasp and arch into the touch. “would you want to start telling people? that we’re together?”

Donghyuck closes his eyes and basks in the thought. he realizes that he’s never wanted anything more than to call mark his.

“yes.” he gasps out again, mark rutting his hips against him at this point.

“okay.” he smiles up at donghyuck, through thick black eyelashes that make donghyuck feels things. “your wish is my command.” he says, then ducks his head under the blankets and takes donghyuck into his mouth.

he learns quickly, that highs will eventually fade.

and not like, the high itself. he knows that they’ll dissipate into soberness ninety minutes after the first hit or the first tab or the first blow or whatever the fuck he’s doing that time. and yeah, sometimes they’ll last longer, sometimes he’ll be knocked out for so long he stays up for twenty four hours straight, tripping so hard he can’t even feel his own body existing. but that’s only ever happened once.

but, they all eventually fade.

aside from the adrenaline rush he gets from the late night rides in johnny’s car, the whispers and the sliding of palms and the dirtiness of it all. the secrecy. the unspoken rules that keep donghyuck curious and coming back for more. aside from all that, there’s this wall that comes down after it. and after all of the good—not even from the drugs either. the parts where donghyuck finds himself genuinely happy for once, when he’s around his friends and when mark shows him the addictive attention he loves so much, and when his brain is so fuzzy and everything just feels fucking good. it all comes crashing down at one point.

he plays a dangerous game. a game he only realizes he’s losing until it’s over.

he’s debilitated and numb. glued to the floor as he hears screaming from outside. it’s mark. he’s never heard mark yell like this. but when he thinks about, he realizes that he deserves it. he deserves worse than this, actually.

he looks down to see his hands are already starting to shake. he’s locked himself in here awhile ago, after mark had called him twenty six times and donghyuck did not answer one of them. the cruel thing was, that mark waited until he knew his mom was at work to come knocking on his door, anger and fury and everything that had been so blatantly building up from the past four years. it’s sick. it’s so fucking cruel, donghyuck is so tired and he can’t even be upset because he did this to himself.

mark is cursing, banging on the door and screaming to be let in.

“Donghyuck!” his fists thump against the wood and donghyuck knows they’ll probably bruise and bleed and that’ll be his fault too. “fucking open the door, i know you’re in there.”

mark is strong, and donghyuck has never been scared of his boyfriend before but he flinches and closes in on himself the second mark breaks the door open. it’s so loud, everything is loud and it’s crumbling faster than he can even keep up.

then, it’s screaming from there.

they scream. so loud the windows and the door frames shake and donghyuck’s voice goes raw from how hard he’s doing it. he screams at mark and tells him things he never even thought would come out of his mouth, especially not to mark. but he’s already ruined so much.

mark gets angrier and it’s visible. his veins are bulging and his jaw is clenched and he bores his eyes into donghyuck so dark they almost hurt.

“get out.” Donghyuck says, and he doesn’t realize he’s crying until it drips hot down his face and he curls in on himself harder.

“where is it.” mark says, his voice is deep and echoes in the bathroom.

donghyuck doesn’t answer but pulls his knees to his chest and ducks his head as if to try and seep into the floor—anything would be better than this.

mark gets angrier.

so angry, he slams his fist against the counter and erupting off the walls, it has donghyuck flinching back and accidentally letting a whimper out as more hot tears spill from his eyes. “i said where is it, donghyuck.”

“i-i don’t know what you’re talking about.”

mark grits his teeth and moves closer. “dont fucking lie to me.” he says. “like, Jesus Christ. can you tell me the truth for once?”

donghyuck wipes a hand over his eye and looks up at mark. “im telling the truth.”

“you’re obviously not.” He says. “tell me, donghyuck. i want my money.”

mark is so brutal. because the thing about all of this is that he was well aware of what donghyuck was doing to himself. and maybe he was selfish that he never really brought it up or expressed how much seeing donghyuck shoot up made him uncomfortable. he often daydreamed about sober donghyuck and wondered if it would change anything or if they would even be together but at some point he started to realize he wasn’t in love with donghyuck. he was in love with the person donghyuck became when he was high. and that was viscous enough. but when donghyuck started stealing from him, he had no other choice.

“i don’t have your fucking money.”

mark takes in a huff, frustrated and so, so exhausted.

“i know you do.” mark sighs. and then he comes even closer and crouches down in front of donghyuck, lacing his fingers around his jaw and tilting it towards him so donghyuck can see how serious he is and how much he fucking hates donghyuck for doing this to him.

to them.

mark gets up in his face and donghyuck doesn’t know which one he hates more—mark talking down to him like he’s a child, or mark being so angry because of his actions. they come to a close equal when he thinks about it.

“listen to me.” mark whispers. donghyuck blinks back the burning in his eyes and looks at mark, more scared than he’s ever been in his whole life.

“i know you took my money.” he says. “and i know you’ve already spent it, right baby?” he tilts his head and runs his thumb over the blister on his bottom lip from where donghyuck bites it too hard.

donghyuck nods. another tear falling and another wave of pure fucking pain dripping into him.

“yeah, i know baby.” he hums. “why did you take it? tell me.”

donghyuck rather die.

he shakes his head furiously and lets out a cry that breaks through him, but mark presses into his jaw harder and doesn’t move away.

“i cant say it.” he rasps.

there’s a pause and the silence is somehow worse then marks screaming.

“say it.” he whispers. “why did you need so much money? why didn’t you ask? i would’ve given it to you..”

“no you wouldn’t.” he cries.

for a split second, there’s a tinge of guilt that flashes behind marks eyes. and mark runs his thumb over the skin on his jawline and over his cheek, wiping away the tear that falls. “tell me. please, donghyuck. i hate when you lie to me. and i don’t like screaming at you and i fucking hate seeing you cry. but i need you to tell me why you needed two hundred fucking dollars.”

sometimes.

when you make so many decisions you’re bound to make one right. and maybe that was donghyuck’s only flaw. he only ever knew how to make the wrong ones.

“drugs.” Donghyuck says. and then it feels like the whole world comes down, like the walls inclose and he watches with horror as mark stares back at him and barely bats an eye at his confession. “i needed it for drugs.”

“who did you get it from?” mark whispers.

“johnny.” he answers.

mark stares at him. donghyuck thinks he sees the same painful glimmer in his eyes too. “why baby?” his voice cracks. donghyuck squeezes his eyes shut, overwhelmed and wanting to disappear so bad.

“im sorry.” he whispers.

“why do you do this? i don’t want to see you like this.” he says, then grabs donghyuck’s forearm and lifts it, pushing his hoodie sleeve all the way up. “look.” he says.

donghyuck barely has the energy to open his eyes, but when he does, he sees mark staring back at him, with disappointment and betrayal. he looks at his forearm, bruised and red, entry marks scattered all over his pale skin. marks fingers press into the flesh and donghyuck just wants it to be over.

“look.” mark mumbles. “look what you do to yourself.”

“i can’t help it.” he whimpers.

“why did you keep this from me?”

donghyuck closes his eyes again. “i didn’t want you to leave me.” he whispers, barely even speaking. so quiet he hopes mark doesn’t hear him because that would be easier.

“i don’t want you to leave me, mark.” he repeats. “im sorry. i didn’t want you to know.”

mark stays silent. and his expression doesn’t soften nor does the grip on his face or the feeling in donghyuck’s stomach of pure dread.

then mark is pulling away.

“you owe me.” he mumbles. he grabs the chain on donghyucks neck, pulls on it so hard it breaks off and donghyuck can’t begin to understand what’s happening until mark is dangling the sunflower charm in front of his tired eyes. “this should cover it.” he says. then he stands up and walks out of donghyuck’s bathroom, leaving donghyuck alone and sober and fucking broken into pieces, mark takes his last bit of happiness with him and suddenly the game is over and big red letters that spell “loser” are plastered over the screen.

the worst part about being addicted to heroine is that even though you know you’re addicted to heroine, you can’t stop yourself from being addicted.

its fucked up but like most things in donghyuck’s life, he fixes it by calling jaemin to tell him to come over as soon as possible.

he tells jaemin that mark broke his heart and that he needs to get high to fucking forget, and for the first time in all of their thirteen years of friendship, jaemin looks at him like he’s the crazy one.

it pisses him off. especially when jaemin says:

“maybe you should just like, calm down for a second.”

“no.” Donghyuck says. “no im not gonna calm down, im angry. im angry and mark lee fucking put his hands on me so if i don’t get some fucking drugs in me im going to kill myself.”

jaemin stares at him blankly. “are you manic.”

“im serious. call johnny.”

“he’s busy.”

“tell him it’s an emergency.” he huffs.

“Donghyuck, what happened? you guys fought?”

“that’s literally not important.” Donghyuck paces around his room and feels his hands start to shake again. there’s dried tears on his cheeks and his whole body is starting to buzz with the same need he’s been craving for his entire life. “im not talking about mark right now. i have money okay? tell johnny ill
literally-“

“stop.” jaemin interrupts. he grabs donghyuck by the shoulders to keep him from pacing and working himself up into a panic attack.

“look, i don’t have heroine. i have..something else. but it’s-you need to calm the fuck down before i give it to you okay? please. just, sit down. jesus, you’re freaking me out.” he sighs.

“im sorry.” donghyuck says, leans into the touch jaemin supplies and all of a sudden he’s pushing his head into the crook of jaemins neck. “im having the worst day ever.”

jaemin wraps his hand around donghyuck and pulls him in tighter. “it’s okay. me too, johnny hasn’t texted me in days.”

“what?” donghyuck pulls back to gape at him.

“yeah, it’s whatever. let’s just get high and forget about those fucking idiots.” he giggles.

donghyuck smiles, already feeling the rush of adrenaline start to pump. he nods, and jaemin tugs him into the same fucking bathroom.

fentanyl is better.

actually.

it’s fucking amazing. it’s the best thing donghyuck has ever tried. and so, he ignores mark for a whole week while doing fentanyl with jaemin over and over again. they don’t go to anywhere, they don’t even pick up jeno or renjun’s call, and jaemin blocks johnny’s number on the fifth missed call from him. they isolate themselves in donghyuck’s room and only come out for food every couple hours. and donghyuck is in paradise.

there’s another party.

he’s skeptical when jaemin tells him that both johnny and mark are going, along with the rest of their friend group (which has literally fucking disintegrated since donghyuck refused to speak to them.) he doesn’t want to break his streak either, and upon telling jaemin this, jaemin confesses that he’s never really liked any of them to begin with. donghyuck laughs at that, even though his heart tears in half.

he looses jaemin an hour in and clings to no one in particular. but his eyes are glued to mark the whole night. mark is drunk and he’s dancing and he hasn’t noticed donghyuck yet, but he looks incredibly too happy to be single. donghyuck’s anger from the worst two weeks ever boils up until it’s flooding and breaking the gates and coming out all at once.

he tries to stay calm, he really does. and he knows it’s fucking dumb of him to actively seek out johnny in this kind of scenario, but his hands are shaking so bad and he’s still high but it’s not enough to take away the pain of mark stabbing him in back.

he finds johnny in the basement. girls are hanging off of him and yuta is rolling up in front of them and jaemin is nowhere to be found.

“hyung.” he whispers, the girl kissing on his neck turns around and stares at him.

johnny follows his gaze and when he looks at donghyuck, he shrugs her off of him and faces donghyuck. “hyuck? where have you been-“

“do you have anything.” he cuts him off.

“yeah, but-“

“can i get some.”

“Donghyuck.” johnny glares at him. “where have you been?”

“um.” he looks at the ceiling and tries to think of an excuse. but then he realizes he’s supposed to be mad at johnny and he’s not allowed to talk to him anymore. so instead he says, “I just need a few tabs. and then I’ll leave you to your girlfriends just give me it.”

johnny stares at him. “are you high?”

“that’s irrelevant.” he says. “are you going to give it to me, or are you just now gonna start being morally aware because I feel like it’s a little late for that, hyung.”

“brat.” johnny mumbles under his breath, then digs around in his back pocket and slips it into donghyuck’s palm as donghyuck slides him a couple twenties. “leave me alone now.”

“not a problem.” he mumbles under his breath, rolling his eyes as he turns on his heels and walks right back up the stairs.

he searches for a perfect place and finds the x on the treasure map upstairs in the master bathroom. it’s secluded from the party and donghyuck is pretty sure no one will even notice he’s gone, let alone bother to come looking for him here. so he locks himself in the room, and the sound echoes. the first thing he notices when he switches the light on is the granite countertops, and a shower fit for about five people at once.

sometimes, donghyuck gets into this mood; the type where he only has his mind set on one thing and the world basically stops spinning around him, that’s where he’s at right now.

it’ll boil up in his blood until it’s the only thing he can think about. like his eyes will zero in on a target and that’s all he’ll fixate on until he gets it. so when he locks himself in the bathroom and pulls out the little baggy that johnny had given him, all he can think about is getting it in him and numbing the sparks of pain he feels whenever mark’s name crosses his mind.

so donghyuck does a line off the granite and waits until the walls start to spin. there’s not a lot that occupies his mind here, other than the deep, overwhelming need to sate any last feelings he has, the last grip on reality that he’s holding on to. he just wants it all to slow down to an eventual stop, where he can finally take a breath and fucking think.

there’s tears welling up in his eyes when he realizes what he feels is something close to rock bottom. there’s the hollow thud of his heart against his chest bone that steadies him when he stands. the mirror now is even fuzzier than before. and his reflection is unrecognizable. he gets lost in it, the feeling that he’s not even the same person anymore. or maybe, he left this body a long time ago and memories are all that occupy it. the memories of what he could’ve had, what he wanted and what he strived for and mark lee had to go and dig it up and throw it all away like it meant nothing.

and so, when he sways on his feet and knocks his elbow against the corner of the counter, he doesn’t wince in pain, but deems himself too useless to perform basic functions anymore—and crawls to the bathtub. he throws himself in it, and does another line off the side of it.

and becase there’s still a tinge of pain in the back of his skull whenever he thinks about mark—how he’s probably under his feet right now, dancing and drunk—he does another one.

it’s then, when he opens his eyes, he realizes that he’s staring at himself. not in the mirror, but from above. he watches himself slump against the bathtub, sinking down until his neck is in the curve of it. he watches his own eyelids drift open and close, his irises rolling to the back of his head and the rise and fall of his chest coming to a stop. he’s dreamed about this a lot, and unfortunately for donghyuck, dreams are a terrifyingly inaccurate comparison to reality.

here, there is peace.

it’s not like how it is depicted in movies or tv shows. where there’s a glow or a light and you ascend towards whatever afterlife you believe in. there’s no golden gate awaiting for him and there’s definitely not some god asking for his repentance.

instead,

there is nothing.

and donghyuck, upon discovering this, thought his biggest fear would be doing it all for nothing. but in fact, it’s his only accomplishment.

at least now, where there’s only darkness and the distant scream of na jaemin when he discovers his best friend in the bathtub of some stranger they don’t even know the name of, at least now he knows that there was really nothing to look forward to. underwhelming had been the story of his fucking life. and overdosing was not an exception.

peace, he thinks, may be synonymous to nothing.

there’s muffled voices that sound like they’re light years away. and donghyuck doesn’t have the ability to move his limbs, they feel detached, like they’re floating next to him or something. he does however, have enough energy to open his eyes. and when he does this, a blurry picture of jaemin and a whole bunch of other faces are painted in front of him.

he registers mark’s voice first. but the burst of energy dissipates faster then it absorbed into his brain and his eyes fall close again, before he can reach out to mark and whisper an apology.

there’s not much from there. donghyuck learns, twenty hours later when he wakes up in the intensive care unit, that he had flushed his system with so many substances that his heart had stopped, the doctor didn’t want to overwhelm him with the details, since his mother was crying beside him and his siblings were in the room too, but he whispered into donghyuck’s ear that if it weren’t for his friends, he would probably be dead right now.

donghyuck doesn’t correct him then. and he doesn’t want to think about how the statement is undeniably false. instead, he takes sips of ice water while he watches his mother cry some more. and when she’s done, he gets the courage to voice out his only concern.

“where is mark?” he whispers.

his mother does not answer him. and donghyuck doesn’t push it any further because the next minute, a psychiatrist is listing out rehabilitation options for him. donghyuck doesn’t listen to her at all, and randomly chooses one from the pamphlet that she gives him. he doesn’t care about any this. not because he doesn’t want to get better, but because donghyuck has never wanted to admit that he needs help, or that he has a problem in the first place. until his mother tells the doctor that addiction runs in their family, and donghyuck realizes he got his father’s genes for the first time in his entire life.

he’s allowed to go home nine months later.

and the only person waiting for him when he pushes past those ugly glass doors he’s learned to despise over his time here, is mark lee.

“hi.” donghyuck says. he’s figeting with his rings and tries his hardest not to stare at mark’s now blonde hair.

“hey.” mark whispers. “it’s been awhile, donghyuck-ah.”

its years later when donghyuck realizes the full extent of his love for the boy in algebra two, the boy with pitch black hair and awkward pick up lines. the boy who looked at donghyuck like he held the entire universe in his hands.

donghyuck doesn’t hesitate to acknowledge this either. he tells mark every single day. because what would life even be if you wasted it by keeping these feelings inside of you? the euphoric ones, the feelings that are indescribable and so much better than heroine.

no, it wouldn’t even come close to what mark made him feel like.

like when he opened his eyes, he would ascend straight to heaven.