Chapter Text
It was a matter of fate and being at the wrong place at the wrong time that laid the final straw on the proverbial camel’s back. Jensen had long since adjusted to the longing, the ache, the way his heart kick started whenever he was fixed with that warm smile, those soft hazel eyes, the curve of dimples that stretched a mile wide. What he was not used to was seeing that same level of bright - that look Jensen thought belonged to him alone - shining from his best friend's face into someone else's. Turn away, run, get the fuck out of here his mind screamed to him but Jensen had this problem with listening to the logic whenever Jared was part of the equation.
Jensen contemplated the sharp stab of pain in his heart as Jared's body dipped down. Too far, too low, sinking into a tiny brunette who looked a little like a bull frog if you asked him. Not that Jensen was bitter, really, it was just... he couldn't understand what Jared could see in her. She was... talentless, and that was being nice. Hell, Jensen was fairly certain the Impala had more acting skills than her. Yeah, it was that bad. And now Jensen's eyes were burning, his heart was being torn into tiny shreds of crumbled paper, and he couldn't turn away because that would almost be worse. Not knowing that Jared had to bend a good foot to brush their lips together, that Genevieve had to press flush against his body and rise on her toes to get as close as possible, to wrap her arms around his neck.
When Jensen caught a flash of tongue he finally gained control of his legs, long enough to spin and stumble blindly around the corner. He threw up whatever he'd managed to choke down at lunch behind their make up trailer and waved off a PA who hovered nearby in concern. Every part of him shook in his jeans and too many layers of shirts and the last thing Jensen thought he could do was go pretend to be Dean, older brother who would sacrifice - did sacrifice - everything for Sam, Jared... it's odd how in this moment Jensen blurred the two together. Like the hurt was something that simply was no matter whom he pretended to be. On his saddest days Jensen could force a laugh and make it sound natural but this ache...
Being in love with Jared was like loving the sun. Too bright to look into, a mass of energy that radiated heat and a level of warmth unimaginable. From the very first day Jensen met his co star he knew things had changed. It was like taking a step up toward some eventual peak and he'd yet to get off that path. They clicked on an unnatural level, Jared got him, more than anyone else ever had. Maybe it was because they were playing brothers, that connection had to be there to make it work, but Jensen only used that explanation when he needed something logical to tame the madness. In truth it was just Jared. He handled every shift in Jensen's mood's like a pro, never let him spend hours second guessing his work, never let him storm off in anger, was always there to pick up the pieces and tape them back together.
What Jensen hadn't known back in the beginning, when the path was so new and the incline almost unnoticeable, was what he was walking toward - or running toward - or tumbling head over feet into without a chance of a different outcome. There wasn't one moment, one special day when Jensen realized he loved Jared more than life itself, it was suddenly just there. And Jensen knew it like he knew the sky was blue and he knew that he needed to breathe to keep living. By then they were sharing a house and Jared was his twenty four seven, there when he woke, there when he slept - separated by one thin layer of wooden beams and plaster - the very thing Jensen breathed.
Jensen had yet to tell anyone the extent of his feelings for his co star, best friend, roommate, but sometimes he wondered if everyone already knew. Sometimes he'd catch sympathetic looks when Jared would throw an arm around him - drag a hand down his back, squeeze his ass playfully - and Jensen would flush because clearly it had to be obvious. Not to Jared though. Whether that had to do with Jensen's occasionally standoffish persona or the fact that Jared was simply amused by his blushes whenever the man gave him special attention, Jensen would never know. It was a secret that weighed on his shoulders, just barely manageable.
This was precisely why seeing Jared lip locked with Genevierewhateverthefuck was like a knife through his heart. The rest of the afternoon on set was like walking through one of the seven layers of Hell - the worst one, flaying and torture included in the form of too big brown eyes and giggles that reminded him of nails on a chalk board. And of course it should happen to be on the day where Jared and what's her bull frog face are filming some naughty sex scene. Jared kept pulling off his shirt - and she was touching him - and Jensen had never been so conflicted. He wanted to cross to her and tell her to get her slimy, demon hands off his Jared but if he stepped any closer those muscles would take on a more defined, more complex shape and Jensen would be reminded with a kick in his gut that touching that tanned flesh was a bad move.
Jensen wasn't like Jared. He couldn't touch and casually flirt and get away with it. Any touch he gave Jared was sure to linger too long, would seem too out of character, might even make Jared give him a look that was something less then his usual adoring one and Jensen didn't want to find out what that might be. Half hour after watching this disgusting display Jensen checked with one of the PA's, sending them to find out if he could go for the day. It was the last day before winter hiatus and Jensen was really looking forward to a break from being someone else every day. He loved his job, more than he would have any other one, but it could wear on him like anything else.
When he finally got the A-OK to go home Jensen couldn't change from his Dean garb fast enough. It was habit to wait for Jared, going to the same place and all, but the way Queen Bee had been attached to his side all day - even when the cameras weren't rolling - told him she was likely to come with. There was this wrap party thing, a chance to unwind before heading home to families and holidays. Jensen had a ticket for Texas - and had even let Jared talk him into visiting his family for a time - so the idea of a night without obligations seemed more than appealing. Even if it meant he had to go out of his way to avoid his best friend and hip attachment.
So Jensen begged Cliff to take him home early, where he enjoyed a two hour nap, half hour shower, and forty five minutes of private self indulgence in the form of flipping through the scrapbook full of all things Jared. He was fairly certain Jared wouldn't think it was too weird to have pictures of each other; it was just the selection that would draw attention. There were quite a few from the set, more than a dozen lounging around the house and backyard, a variety from their vacation last summer. Jensen lingered on the selection of them together. It was so painfully obvious in the way his eyes fixed on Jared. How the man didn’t see it was beyond him.
Half hour before the party started Jensen emerged from his room to see if Jared was home. It seemed a little weird that Jared hadn't come to talk to him - considering he left set without saying goodbye - but a shrill giggle bounced down the stairs and all Jensen could wonder was whether Jared even noticed he hadn't been in the car. The wash of sheer misery was enough that Jensen decided he'd rather skip the party. It seemed a much better idea to settle in with a six pack and his photo album o' Jared and get nice and drunk. Then he could jack off imagining being the one to pull Jared's shirt off the way Genevieve had done all day – was probably doing right now. In fact he was just about to head back to his room when the stairs creaked and Jared's laughter echoed around him, washed over him, soaked through tense muscles and turned all his insides to goo.
Jared jogged down the bottom few steps and shot across the room slamming into Jensen, wrapping him in a hug and picking him up off the floor. He squeezed his friend and shook him then dropped him down and tousled his hair. "There you are! What the hell dude! I wanted to have a celebratory beer with ya before they tore down but you were gone." He frowned slightly, Jensen looked a little harried - but then his friend had been overworked and tired lately, no doubt, something on his mind. He turned and yelled up the stairs "I found him!"
Jensen smiled and it was genuine because everything involving Jared nearly always was; even if he didn't speak of half of it. Because in the end Jared had done nothing wrong. It wasn't like Jensen could be mad at the man for being straight. The idea was ludicrous. He did flinch a little when Jared called up the stairs though, as if she cared where he was. For every evil look he shot her, she had one twice as bad. "Wasn't feeling well," Jensen shrugged and put another step of distance between them, just to be safe. "I didn't know how much longer you were going to be and I needed a nap," with a faint chuckle he drank in the strong line of Jared's jaw, the gentle curve of his lips, the silky locks falling in haphazard disarray.
Throwing his best grin at Jensen over his shoulder, Jared walked over to the bottom of the stairs when he heard Genevieve's footsteps. "Hey babe." Jared slipped his hands on to her waist and spun her down off the steps, dropping a kiss on the top of her head. "I found Jensen."
Genevieve turned and smiled at Jensen, "oh good, how could we have a party without him?" Her eyes lingered on Jensen's face for a few moments then she turned back to Jared, "just gonna run to the loo, then I'm ready." She slid her hands down Jared's chest, "get Jensen into some clothes that make him look like he's part of the cast and not a nerdy fan." Her laughter rang out behind her as she walked down the hall.
Smiling, Jared turned back to Jensen, "she's right dude, you need to change - we're leaving right away and before you complain; I'm the designated driver! So - you'll get back here safe and sound." He brushed past Jensen and headed towards his friend's room.
Though there was no proof on the subject, Jensen was fairly certain that Genevieve was actually possessed by a demon. And no. There were absolutely no feelings of jealousy laced behind that thought. He followed the sway of Jared's hips almost like he was on a leash, pulled behind because he'd follow the man anywhere. And that was the thing about Jared. There was no saying no. Jared was the type of man he'd jump off a bridge for. The idea that Jensen was passed the point of gone didn't occur to him outside the vaguest whisper of a suggestion. "What's wrong with what I'm wearing?" He asked a little belatedly, staring down at his tan sweater. It was the holiday season; people wore sweaters during the time. Plus it was freaking Canada which was equal to always butt ass cold. Sweaters were practical.
Jared's hands were on the sweater quickly, trying to tug it up over Jensen's stomach. "Off..."
Oooh hands. Hands in places they shouldn't be. Jensen wondered at his karma for the day. It wasn't like he'd been stealing candy from babies or kicking puppy dogs recently, why must it mock him? "Jay, I can undress myself," he mumbled and flushed and sounded like a whiny kid - which only made him flush more. But he didn't swat Jared's hands away, simply lifted his arms and let the material flutter across his beat red skin, huffing out a pretend annoyed breath. If his heart fluttered more than it should, Jensen ignored it.
The sweater left Jared's hand and flew across the room as he turned and yanked Jensen's closet door open. "Let's see," he shoved the hangers around, glanced back over his shoulder, "don't just stand there - take that t-shirt off too." He turned back to the closet and pulled out a white button down shirt with green pinstripes. "Here," he gestured with his hand for Jensen to get the t-shirt off and started to unbutton the shirt and tug it off the hanger.
"Not sure I should take fashion tips from a man who actually owns pink clothing," Jensen muttered good-naturedly. He had been shirtless in front of Jared countless times but it didn't stop the flush from crossing his chest. After all, they were in his bedroom and that was a whole new turf for these things. Jensen felt the stirring in his crotch and had to force back an eye roll at his utter patheticness. He snagged the shirt from Jared's hands the moment he could and shoved his arms into it, turning away from him to do up the buttons. "So Genevieve is coming tonight?" He asked, though he knew the answer. Maybe Jensen had a kink for heart ache.
"Yeah, here sister's in Van for the weekend though so they might duck out early. You might be stuck entertaining me." Jared walked down and sat down on the end of Jensen's bed. "Besides, I figured maybe you and I could watch a movie or somethin' after the party - hang out - you're leaving right away aren't you?" He ran a hand through his hair.
Jensen nodded, heart fluttering at the prospect of some quality Jared time before he left. Despite how much it sometimes hurt to be around Jared, being without him was a thousand times worse. "Yeah sounds good. My flight is around noon tomorrow, I'll probably leave around nine to be safe." His eyes drifted to Jared on his bed and instantly supplied a mental image of Jared naked and writhing on his dark blue duvet. Perfect.
Jared smiled; he was going to miss Jensen. As unpredictable and strange as his friend could be at times, recently more than ever, Jared really enjoyed their friendship. The house would seem really empty without Jensen there. "Listen," he flopped back on Jensen's bed, stretching his arms up then reached down to scratch his stomach, "I gotta pick up the dogs tomorrow afternoon from the sitter's anyway - why don't I drive you?"
The potential for a goodbye hug at the airport with Jared made his flesh tingle and Jensen nodded. "Sure, taxi drivers always creep me out anyways." He grinned and stepped toward Jared like a love sick moth to a too hot to handle flame.
Sitting up, Jared grinned. "It's a deal then. You ready?" He pushed up off the bed and stepped up to Jensen, running his hands through his friend's hair, messing it up a bit. "There..." he patted Jensen's cheek, "all rugged and pretty for the fangirls - you know the Dean-girls will be waiting for ya to pull up." Grinning he took off out of the room to find Genevieve.
For the most part Jensen was used to Jared's over the top touches but every now and then there was one that left him rooted to the spot. Like that one. His skin tingled and vibrated and Jensen considered telling Jared to forget about him for the party. Thinking of pretty fangirls helped with the heat building. Damn, the last time Jensen was able to think of anyone else in that light was years ago. Jensen considered himself Padalecki sexual. It was not necessarily as fun as it sounded.
With a small whimper Jensen kick started his feet into gear and flipped off the light in his room before heading to the front room. Jared was waiting with the lemming and Jensen suppressed the urge to narrow his eyes at Jared's arm slung around her. Genevieve looked smug. Typical. "Alright let's get this over with," he grumbled and lifted his coat from the rack by the door.
Jared ushered everyone out the door and locked up behind them.
-=-=-=-
Jensen detached himself from the - disgustingly overly affectionate, no awareness of too much PDA - couple the moment he was in the door. He'd had enough of them the minute Genevieve had slipped into the passenger seat beside Jared. It was easiest to beeline for the nearest beer and drain the bottle minutes later. People attempted small talk for awhile until the word spread that Jensen was in one of his 'moods.' It didn't really bother him that he had a reputation among the cast and crew. In fact it worked to his advantage most of the time, like now when all he had on the agenda was getting as drunk as possible, as fast as possible.
Despite camping out by the alcohol, Jensen was trained to be hyper aware of Jared. Didn't hurt that the man's - sweet, heart warming, infectious - laugh carried across the room like a sonic boom. Around his third beer he caught a glimpse of Genevieve running her hand down his chest and tucking fingers into Jared's waist band. The sight automatically led to beers four, five, and six. Around his eighth beer he was unfortunately too close to the door and witnessed their extended kiss goodbye, leaving Jensen to wonder what it felt like to throw up dense alcohol and bile. Luckily he drowned the urge with beers nine, ten, and eleven.
Jared found him around beer... fifteen? Twenty? Jensen lost count. And the smile that shifted his lips up accompanied the sway of his body. Everything was tilting to the left and there were two Jared's for a moment before there was just one. Jensen liked the idea of two Jared's almost as much as he liked the way Jared's face lit up at spotting him. The bottle was empty when he tried to set it on the counter, so thankfully, when it clattered to the floor, nothing spilt.
Jensen actually giggled and stumbled while bending to pick it up. "Ish empty cause I drank it all goonne." He straightened himself, relieved when Jared snatched the bottle. "Oops." He added and burped loudly, flushing.
"OOOhkay killer," Jared's fingers curled around the top of Jensen's arm, "I think it's time to get you home to bed." Leaning over past Jensen, Jared placed the bottle on the counter behind his friend. "Let's go, Jen." Jared slipped his arm under Jensen's and pulled him in to lean against his side.
"Ah party pooper," Jensen mumbled and snuggled into Jared's side. He'd let the man lead him anywhere really. To bed to have his wicked way with him? Yes please. "Jen but not Gen," he felt the need to point this out and wrapped his arm around Jared's waist. They fit together like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Damn... Jensen was a little hungry. And horny. A lot horny.
Laughing, Jared dragged Jensen though the crowd of well-wishers and out into the cool night air. "I know who you are Jensen - you're quite different from my girl." He propped Jensen up against his truck, pressing him there with a hand on his chest, struggling to get the keys out of his pocket. The truck beeped when the doors unlocked and Jared lugged Jensen against his chest so he could open the door and shove him back into the cab. "Dude, you're heavy," he smiled but he was a bit worried. He'd had to pour his friend into the drunk a few times lately. Either Jensen was under a lot of stress or there was more going on than he was telling his best friend.
My girl? The very sentiment made the beer churn unpleasantly in Jensen and he wondered if Jared would hate him for getting sick in his truck. He was only dimly aware of the vehicle moving. They hit some sort of speed bump and Jensen jumped, hands flailing for a moment before landing hard on the dash. The street line was burning red and Jensen turned away from it to gaze at his favorite person in the whole world. "I like your hair." He burst out, shifting across the seat only to find the seat belt held him in securely. Curse on the seat belt. "What... movie. We is watching?"
Jared laughed again, throwing his head back briefly then staring over at his friend. "Thanks," he mimed flipping his hair like a model, "and I think you're in no shape to watch a movie. You should just go straight to bed." Jared gripped the steering wheel and turned out onto Granville. "You, my friend, are hammered."
"Mm not a hammer," Jensen shook his head hard twice before he realized that made his stomach churn worse. He fell against the door and watched his breath puff against the window. Reaching up a finger he traced the image of a shaky heart and put J in the middle. "Look!" He said excitedly, whipping around to look at Jared. When he turned back to the window the image was gone and he frowned. "But... my heart..."
Chuckling, Jared pulled into their driveway, "Jesus Jensen - you really gotta..." he shook his head. There was no point in telling Jensen he needed to lighten up on the drinking, especially not when he was so drunk he could barely stand. "Stay," he said, opening his door and moving around the truck quickly and pulling Jensen's door open. His friend practically fell out of the truck and ended up half dangling from the seat-belt with a ridiculous grin on his face. Laughter bubbled up out of Jared's chest again and he stepped back, leaned down and rested his hands on his thighs. "Dude..." he gasped for breath as he tried to get himself under control, "no one makes me laugh like you do."
This warmed Jensen heart and he leaned heavy against Jared as the man undid his cursed seat belt. When Jensen inhaled he could smell Jared, his shampoo, the faintest tinge of sweat, the cologne that Jensen loved. And Jared. It was good enough for Jensen too pull in a few more deep lung fulls. "Oh. OH! There was thish... the thing... erm..." Jensen struggled to remember something that had seemed really important a few seconds ago. "You smell nice." He settled on and tumbled into Jared's arms the moment he was free, feet falling hard onto the chilly cement. If being drunk meant being nearly man handled by Jared, Jensen thought he really should get drunk more often.
Jared just shook his head and considered hauling Jensen up into a fireman's carry then thought better of it. "Ok, Jen - let's just get in the house." He grabbed Jensen's hand and tugged until he had his friend's arm around his neck. Jared managed to get them up the sidewalk and propped Jensen up against the door as he unlocked it. Shoving Jensen through the door Jared kicked it shut behind him and pressed Jensen up against the wall with his body as he fumbled with the cover on the alarm system.
There was way too much Jared all of a sudden - but never enough - and Jensen blinked a few times in attempt to clear his mind. It was no use. There was too big a fuzz of alcohol and Jensen was lacking his better judgment. Down side to being completely and totally drunk he supposed. Jensen couldn't resist running his hand up Jared's arm, shaping the strong muscle through the man's coat. His hand kept going until he could touch the skin of the man's neck, could feel the pulse steady beneath his fingers. Then it was sliding back to curl into Jared's hair, weaving through the soft silk until it tangled against his flesh. It felt really good and Jensen tugged softly, head tilting to the side. "Jay... Jare... Jared..." he repeated the name, rolled it over his tongue. There was the possibility that it was his favorite word to say.
Jared shook his head as he punched in the alarm code. "Drunk, drunk, drunk," he muttered back at Jensen, "get outta my hair dude." He shook off Jensen's hands and tugged his friend over to the sofa and let him fall down onto it. "Stay there, you move I'll kick yer ass. I'm going to get you some water and you're going to drink it or you're going to be a hurtin' in the morning." Jared's moved quickly to the kitchen, shrugging off his jacket as he went.
Jensen stared at his hand and wished that silky feeling would return along with Jared. Jensen didn't really want water; his belly was too full already. "Mm fine, really, I prove it. I can do the alphabeat... alphabit... alpha... I can go backward! See A B... oh wait..." Jensen blinked and looked up at Jared. "Where didcha go?" He'd been trying to prove a point he was certain but Jared sort of made that thought disappear.
Slipping back onto the couch beside Jensen, Jared put a glass of water in his friend's hand. "Here, drink," he shifted on the couch so he was leaning back against the arm, watching Jensen. "You okay?" He was worried. Genevieve had told him there was nothing wrong with Jensen, he was just moody, like usual. Jared knew there was more to it. What other people perceived as moody, Jared knew was usually just Jensen trying to withdraw a little while he sorted something out. He tilted his head and watched Jensen's face, reaching out and brushing the man's hair back from his forehead. "You were all over the place tonight, Jen."
"Didn't do nothin'," Jensen shook his head and curled his fingers around the glass of water experimentally, wondering if he'd be able to keep his hand steady as he brought it to his lips. The water dribbled slightly down his chin, along his jaw and cascaded down his neck to settle somewhere below his shirt. It was cool, refreshing. Like the touch of Jared's fingers across his brow. When the glass was empty he held it out and sputtered on the remains in his mouth, letting more water travel the same path. His eyes burned when he dragged them up to Jared and he smiled. "You were all over."
Smiling sadly, Jared sighed, "Jen, you're making a mess of yourself." Jared leaned forward and wiped the water off Jensen's neck and chest with his hand. "You sure you’re okay Jensen? This seems like an awful lotta drunk for someone who's ok." Jared's smile was soft, warm. He really did care about Jensen a lot. He couldn't begin to imagine what his life would have been like if they'd never ended up working on the show together.
That touch sizzled, burnt through Jensen's skin and sent his heart fluttering into high gear. Everything happened in slow motion, blurred at the edges as if the world were struggling to catch up with his fuzzy vision as he moved forward, crawled across Jared's lap and straddled him. That hair was still silky soft and tingled the palm of his hand and Jared's eyes were wide enough to see they were mostly green, flicked with hints of gold. Beneath his thighs Jensen could feel electricity, the heat of Jared's body and the thought snapped off like someone hit a switch inside his mind. And then his lips were against Jared's, off centered, noses bumping, but so perfect Jensen considered the possibility he'd passed out and bumped his head leading to his certain death and thus... heaven. He opened his mouth, catching part of Jared's cheek before he could shift to taste the soft warmth of Jared's lips against his. Jensen was instantly hard and he rocked forward with a moan.
"Jesus Christ…" It took a few moments for Jared's brain to kick in and realize what was going on. He shoved Jensen roughly to the side, scrambling out from under him. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" Jared stopped about five feet away from the couch although it didn't feel far enough. His lips were tingling, the taste of beer and Jensen on his lips, on his lips. "Jensen? It's not okay if you're so drunk that you can't figure out I'm not some chick you're trying to pick up."
Jared was trying desperately, with every part of his being to forget the feel of Jensen's hardness as it rubbed against his body. That was not what he thought it was. He would just wipe this from his memory when the evening was over. "Jensen, you need to go to bed now." Jared ran a hand through his hair and stood there, not knowing what the hell to do - but nervous about getting any closer.
Jensen had always thought people were exaggerating when they suggested a thing like "instant sobriety." He learned on this night that it was not an exaggeration. The flush that shot through his body rivaled the swell of vomit and Jensen stumbled back, eyes wide. Everything suddenly ached so instantly Jensen thought there was the possibility of his impending explosion into black nothingness. Rejection. It stung across his skin, burned at his eyes, and he stared at Jared with those wide eyes. "Shit. Sorry." They were the only two words he managed before spinning on his heels and darting for his bedroom. The door couldn't close fast enough and Jensen only hoped Jared didn't hear the sharp and sudden sob that wracked up his chest, clenched his lungs, had him dropping to his knees just inside the room.
Sighing and rubbing a hand down his face, Jared turned slowly, kicked off his shoes and wandered over to Jensen's bedroom door. He pressed his hand to the cool wood for a few moments, thinking, then knocked. No matter what happened, what was going on, Jensen was still his best friend. Jensen had always said there wasn't a single thing they couldn't work out, get through, fix... as long as they had each other's backs. "Jen? You okay?"
Of course Jared would come after him. He was a good guy - the best guy - but Jensen couldn't face him now. Shame coursed through him. How could he let himself do something as stupid as kissing his - straight, taken, perfect - best friend? It was like taking advantage of him and Jensen just wasn't that guy. He needed to get out of here, needed to get away from everything for awhile and work this shit out. Obviously this pathetic and hopeless thing over Jared was going nowhere, he needed it gone. Climbing up off the floor Jensen rubbed his fists hard along his face and pulled in a couple deep lung fulls of oxygen. When he was certain he looked a little less like the complete and utter wreck that he was, Jensen tugged up the door slightly. "Felt sick. I'm better, just gonna sleep okay?"
Jensen looked like hell, and Jared's heart tightened just a little. "You sure, you want me to sit with you while you fall asleep? Can I get you anything?" The corner of his mouth twitched into a slight smile, "c'mon, I just wanna make sure you're okay." Jared was pretty sure his brain was only just beginning to sort through what had just happened in the living room - but - the fact remained, this was Jensen so it didn't really matter.
Despite the idea of Jared with him on his bed, Jensen knew it would not be something that helped in this new idea of getting over this. So he shook his head and inched the door closed further. "No man, I'm alright. Really. Just... drank too much." He wanted to apologize for the kiss but it seemed much smarter to not address it at all.
"Okay," it made Jared a little sad to be shut out, but he could see that something was eating Jensen up. "So - I'll see you in the morning? Take you to the airport?" He smiled sadly, letting his hand fall from Jensen's door.
Swallowing thickly Jensen forced his nod. "Yeah, see you then." His brain was already formulating and twisting plans, ideas falling one over the other. "Night Jared."
"'Kay, you know where I am if you need me." He smiled and took a couple of steps backward then turned and headed off to his bedroom.
As the door fell closed Jensen let his forehead rest against it. "I need you..." he breathed into the wood, palm resting against the cool surface. Being wrecked in so many ways was really a hard thing to manage sometimes.
It took him fifteen minutes to work his way to his laptop, pulling it open and turning it on with a sharp jab at the power button. As he waited for things to kick to life he moved around his room, rearranging the items he had packed. There was going to be hell to pay from his mama he was certain but Jensen was fairly good with excuses so he knew he could come up with something.
The website he used most often for buying airline tickets was bookmarked and Jensen clicked to it, tapping quickly at the keys until a selection of flights pulled up. There was a flight leaving in six hours for just over $800, it wasn't that bad for such short notice. Jensen booked it, realizing that the alcohol was still hanging around as he tried to focus in on his credit card numbers as he typed them in with one finger. He didn't select a return flight. Once he got to his destination he'd figure things out.
It took another hour for Jensen to rearrange the items he packed, sorting through to ensure he had the best selection of clothing, the items most form fitting. This wasn't like Jensen, last minute changes to his life, spur of the moment decisions, but it felt kind of... good. The next hour he spent staring at the wall, contemplating what he'd say to his mama, what he'd say to Jared... Jared... the kiss. The way his heart fluttered at just the flicker of the man's image in his mind. It was exactly the reason he was doing this.
It was two am when he finally pulled up a piece of paper and a pen, staring at the white page and letting his pen shift side to side as he turned over different phrases. Somehow: Jared, I'm completely, 100%, head over heels in love with you. Also, completely fucked up. Spending the hiatus in Vegas to get you out of my system just didn't seem like it would do. There was always Jared, you fuck me up in more ways than you can know. And I know it's not your fault so stop apologizing. Gonna go fuck random strangers who look like you and see if it helps. That seemed even less promising.
In the end he settled on, Jay, needed to take a break from things for awhile. Will call. Don't worry, I'm fine. See you soon, J.
He had just barely resisted the urge to write love. The note he left taped to his door and he crossed through the house in the dark, hesitating at the stairs and curling his fist on the railing. He stared up to where he knew Jared was sleeping - probably dreaming of Genevieve - until the headlights of the taxi illuminated the front window. With a soft sigh he released his tight grip on the railing and picked up his luggage, stepping out of their house and locking the door behind him.
-=-=-=-
The few times Jensen had been to Vegas he had always been accompanied by other people. His father and older brother shortly after he turned twenty one, with Chris and Steve when he turned twenty five, with Jared and a variety of other friends between seasons two and three. This time was different and not just because he was alone. This time he had a goal, an agenda that didn’t involve gambling or stripper joints. This time it was all about Jensen’s new quest to be over this far too gone thing for Jared. Things would be a lot easier for him when he went back if his system was just purged of things.
He slept through the day having found no rest on the cramped flight. The hotel room he was in was nothing too lush, nothing to suggest he could afford better, but definitely not trashy. He stayed off the strip because it seemed easiest. Jensen had never really gone out with the purpose of picking someone up from a bar. Even in his younger twenties everyone he'd been with had been steady girlfriends. He just wasn't the sleeping around type.
Then again he'd never thought he would find himself in love with a man - dreaming of him, jacking off to thoughts of him - so Jensen figured stepping out of his norm was the only way things were going to change.
The first and second club he tried were misses. There were lots of attractive men, and he received more than a few interested looks, but none of them sparked an interest in him. It was one thing to appreciate someone's level of beauty, another thing completely to take them to bed with you.
By the third club he was beginning to get a little concerned. Maybe he really only was Padalecki sexual. It was a scary idea, never being attracted to another person again all because of Jared. Jensen had to shake his head and tell himself it really was for the best that he'd ignored his friend’s calls that day. And his Mama's... he was really gonna have to call her back before she completely freaked on him.
Shaking off the wave of guilt over being a bad son and a bad friend, Jensen dropped down onto the bar stool and ordered a drink. It was his fifth and things were getting a little fuzzy but pleasantly so. It was easier to deal with things like this anyway. The person that dropped into the seat beside him was entirely too close for casual and Jensen lifted his gaze from his beer to tell the person to back off.
The words died in his mouth though. This guy... looked a lot like Jared: hair nearly the same length, a little longer and fanned across his shoulders but the same rich honey color. Jared's jaw line was more defined, skin a little smoother, eyes a little warmer, but it was close. Close enough to flare a shot of warmth through Jensen that had nothing to do with the alcohol working its way through his blood.
"Hey," the man said. His voice was deeper than Jared's, more like Chris', and his breath smelt like beer but not bad. "I'm James."
Perfect. Apparently karma had chosen to turn a kind eye his way - making up for the past day he supposed - and Jensen smirked, reclined in his chair and tilted his legs toward the man's, knocking their knees together. "Jensen," he offered and wet his lips with another drink of beer. His mind filtered over ideas of what to say next. It seemed a little crude to just automatically suggest something more but Jensen really wasn't in the mood for small talk. How could he offer up cheap pick up lines like 'come here often' and 'lookin' for anything special' when all wanted was this to be done.
"Wanna get out of here?" James suggested and it was really starting to look like things were turning in Jensen's favor.
With any luck he could fuck this guy the rest of the night and catch a flight to Texas tomorrow. Problem solved. Or at least... out of his system. "Yeah, let's go." He drained his beer and stood, let the man rest a hand on the small of his back to guide him through the throngs of people.
Turned out James wasn't nearly as tall as Jared, maybe five ten or so, but Jensen had a fairly active imagination, he could make do. And it wasn't like he was going to let this man top.
The man didn't ask whose place they're going to so Jensen automatically told the taxi driver the name of his hotel. And then James was on him, half across his hips, lips burning like coal across his neck and Jensen's head fell back against the seat with a moan. It had been so long since someone touched him like this, like they wanted him, like they needed him and Jensen savored every moment.
As they were stepping out of the taxi - Jensen dipping down to pay the driver - his phone rang in his pocket. Jared's name flashed across the caller ID and Jensen thumbed it off, ceasing the ring as they headed into the motel. James eyed him curiously but said nothing, which was good because Jensen wasn't in the mood to discuss personal things. In fact, the less the man knew the better. So far Jensen had spoken four words to him and if that was the extent of their conversation outside of sexual things, he'd be okay with it.
When they stepped in the elevator he flipped the phone open. Eight missed calls from Jared, seven from his mom, and three from Chris. Man there was going to be hell to pay later, especially if Jared had dragged Chris into the whole ordeal. There were more than a dozen text messages but he ignored them all and held his thumb over the off button until the phone turned black.
"So what are you into?" James asked as they stepped into Jensen's hotel room.
Jensen wasn't familiar enough with this sort of thing to know exactly what the man was talking about but he could guess easily enough. Tossing his phone, key card and wallet into the built in safe - never could be too careful with random strangers - Jensen closed the door and activated the lock before turning to him. "I top. It's my only real demand. You tell me anything else you want and I'll let you know if it's alright." And it was a pretty good thing Jensen knew how to act so well and could shove down the nerves, the unease, could pretend that he was confident and collected.
James reached into his back pocket and pulled out a bag of white powder, reached into the other and retrieved a folded piece of paper. Jensen's eyes widened slightly as the man moved to the table and pulled out a chair, dropped down into it while tilting the bag slightly. "Good, can't wait to feel you buried in me," James smirked at him, tilting his head slightly to consider Jensen's stiff shoulders. "What's the matter? Never done a line?"
Jensen had smoked pot a few times, drank more than a few, and that was the extent of his experimenting. The nerves in him intensified and he slid forward a step, shaking his head. "No, I don't... it's not really my thing."
"It's good, doesn't hurt... well alright it stings a little but the affect..." James chuckled and pulled out a razor from the folded paper, taking a chunk of the white powder and chopping it into fine pieces. "It'll be the best sex you've ever had. Lasts for hours, makes everything so bright."
There was a distinct shake to Jensen's hand as he stepped forward again. Everything in him said no. No no no. This was not a good idea. He could only imagine the look on Jared's face if he was ever to find out... but he wouldn't. This was going to happen once and that was it and Jensen would never speak of it again. That didn't mean he needed some fucked up drug to make it happen. "Alright," was the word that fell from his lips and Jensen blinked in surprise.
James looked pleased and he divided the powder into two thin lines. Jensen had only ever seen this done in movies and he was fairly certain they weren't completely accurate. James opted to simply place his nose against the table, blocking one side as he inhaled sharply with the other and slid sideways. Jensen watched the powder disappear from the wooden surface and his belly flopped oddly.
"C'mere," James murmured and rubbed his thighs.
Jensen curled his fingers into fists before stepping forward and slowly shifting to sit on James' lap. The white line of powder stood out against the maple wood, glaring at Jensen like a warning. Do this and there's no going back. This is it. Everything changes. "I just... inhale?" Jensen asked quietly and James' hand ran up his spine under his shirt, fingers spreading open across his skin.
"Yeah, plug one side of your nose and breathe in sharp. You'll see, it's easy."
And it was.
The powder disappeared just like that and the only thing Jensen had to show for it was a faint burning in the back of his throat. Like the time Jared made him laugh so hard he shot milk out his nose. Burning just like that. "I don't feel anything."
"Takes time Jen," James chuckled and instantly set to work chopping up another line of white powder.
Jensen shifted on the man’s lap, giving him room to stretch his arms out to the table. He curled his fingers over his knees to keep them from shaking and watched as James sucked up another line in the opposite nostril. A warm hand on the back of his neck guided Jensen down and he repeated the action just like James. The burn only intensified a little and Jensen blinked at the little remains of white on the table.
"Here," James' voice was a rich murmur as he licked his thumb, pressing it down into the powder and bringing it up to Jensen's lips.
A frown turned Jensen's lips down as he stared at it. "But you... I shouldn't..."
"Taste it. It'll only help," James smiled reassuringly and Jensen found himself wrapping fingers around James' wrist, bringing the hand forward and sucking the thumb between his lips.
It tasted bitter on his tongue, unlike anything Jensen was capable of describing, but James' smile was pleased and Jensen felt the tiny spiral of thrill dance up in him.
Within a half hour they'd finished off the little baggie James' had and things were taking on a strange sort of haze. It wasn't like being drunk, Jensen didn't feel like the world was going to tilt away and send him flying into space at any moment. Instead everything seemed more... mellow... warmer, richer, and Jensen kissed James' with long strokes of his tongue.
There was really no saying how they ended up on the bed, just that they were there at some point and James was riding him, straddled across his waist and moving up and down and taking Jensen in without any preparation outside a condom. It was hot, deliriously so, and Jensen rolled his hips up and called him Jay. Fisted his hand in hair that was not quite silky enough and kissed lips that didn't kick start his heart but the thrusts did so it was all okay.
They fucked for hours or days Jensen didn't really know. It just never seemed to end. James was on top of him then he was beneath him and Jensen was allowed to slam in hard, to spank and bite and tug hair and with the man on all fours beneath him he could really pretend.
The sun was rising by the time Jensen could feel everything coming down, floating to the ground like a leaf from a tree - the last one of autumn that caught in the breeze and tried to stay up as long as possible - and Jensen fell asleep with a smile on his face.
-=-=-=-
When he woke the next afternoon the room was empty and a complete and total mess. There was the faintest buzz in the back of his mind but nothing like a hangover. Jensen was momentarily shocked with himself as he thought of the night before, some of that constant aching weight was gone so that seemed like a good thing. Stretching his arms high above his head he moved to the safe to retrieve his phone, knowing he'd put it off too long now.
The voicemail box was completely full which had never happened to Jensen before. He made it through one worried message from his Mama and half of an equally concerned one from Jared before he stopped listening. When he called his mama's line the answering machine came on which actually worked out best. After a brief message ensuring them he wasn't dead, that he just needed some alone time, that he'd be in touch, Jensen flipped the phone shut and stared at it. He turned over the idea of calling Jared, flinched at the thought of confessing what he'd been up too, and left the phone sitting on the table in search for some clothes.
Just as he'd pulled on pants there was a knock at the door and Jensen's eyes widened. For one horrible moment he thought it might be Jared, that somehow the man had tracked him down, gone all Winchester and hunted him out. His eyes shifted across the room, looking for signs that would suggest what had taken place less than twelve hours ago. As it turned out he had no reason to worry. James was on the other side of the door, not Jared, and he was looking quite pleased with himself.
"Didn't expect to see you again," Jensen said, flushing a little at the harshness of it.
James' didn't miss a beat, simply stepped around Jensen and came into the room. The smell of coffee registered with Jensen, as familiar as oxygen, and Jensen looked over the paper bag and drink tray. "I always get hungry after a good night's fuck. Figured you would too. Hope you don't mind." He grinned at Jensen and held out a cup. "It's black but I've got sugar in the bag if you're interested."
It was a surprising gesture, one that Jensen was certainly not going to pass up, and he took the coffee with a thankful smile, popping off the lid and sipping experimentally. Definitely Starbucks, Jensen would know that taste anywhere. "I appreciate it. Uh... how's your..." Jensen gestured, remembering with a flash being a little over exuberant with his spanks.
James chuckled and pulled open the bag. "Sore. You can make it up to me later. Egg McMuffin?" He held out the wrapped food and Jensen blinked in surprise before taking it.
"Uh... thanks," he nodded, wondering for a moment if he was going to have let this guy down hard. It had seemed pretty obvious to him that they weren't in this for more than the sex but you never knew with some people.
"You're over thinking things, I can tell." James chuckled and reached back into the bag, pulling out a clear plastic Ziploc with a few tiny white round pills in it. "Why don't you take one of these? It'll help you relax."
A little light went off in Jensen's mind and he shook his head. This could easily turn into some really bad Lifetime movie if he wasn't careful. Doing a few lines was one thing but taking a mysterious white pill? No way. "I don't think so."
"Relax, it's just X. No biggie. It's way tamer than what you took last night," James rolled his eyes and handed the bag out to Jensen. "See look, you can even pick one out and I'll take it, to prove to you there's nothing wrong with it."
Jensen eyed the bag, reaching out for it but stopping when his phone on the table rang to life. Jared flashed across the caller ID and Jensen wondered for a moment in the man had a radar installed, set to go off whenever Jensen was about to do something really stupid.
"That your boyfriend?" James asked, glancing at the phone, still holding out the bag.
"No. He's not." Jensen shook his head, reached out to flip open his phone and quickly end the call before turning the device off once more. His gaze lifted to James and he reached out to curl a hand around the plastic bag.
-=-=-=-
Doing X wasn't that different from coke, James had been right. Only things were a little brighter - or a lot brighter - and Jensen giggled a lot more. Everything was super intense; every touch over extreme, and the way James looked up at him from his place buried in Jensen's crotch made him so hot he could hardly stand it.
They fell into this odd little pattern, days blurring into nights, sex, food, sex, coke, sex, X, food, shower, sleep, one after another after another and Jensen forgot all about his phone. Forgot about the world waiting for him outside the hotel room. Forgot about aching and being in love with someone who would never love him back that way. He never forgot about Jared though. Could never. No matter how many lines he snorted, how many pills he let dissolve on his tongue.
James was like a roller coaster of desire, always crawling over him, letting Jensen take him however he liked. And they did it everywhere. On the table, the chair, the bed, the shower. Along the floor, against the wall, against the window. Jensen was in a constant state of going up or coming down, of blissed out post coital dazes, coming so often and so much it was a wonder he had anything left in him.
In fact there was the distinct possibility that Jensen might have spent the rest of hiatus in that motel room with James - doing lines, fucking, and everything else that entailed - if it hadn't been for New Years. Jensen hadn't even known Christmas had passed. Actually he hadn't even known the past three weeks had passed.
They would be due to start filming again within a couple of days and Jensen was a drugged up wreck who hadn't shaved in almost a month.
And... oh god... he hadn't turned his phone on since the time James had come back with the coffee. It was wonder there hadn't been a search and rescue team looking for him.
So the next morning Jensen did a final five lines of coke with the promise to himself that this was it and that he needed it to make it through whatever was going to greet him in Vancouver. James handed over his number but Jensen knew he wouldn't call. Wouldn't even keep it. Something about the look in James' eyes told him he knew too.
They shared one last kiss before Jensen stumbled out of the hotel with his luggage and headed toward the airport, back to his normal life, back to Jared and their house. More than a little high and his hands shook.