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The bus was quiet. John opened the window to let the breeze in and tried to calm the rolling in his stomach. It didn’t work; it just made him cold as well as nauseous. The bus driver must have been able to hear his breathing-it was the only noise louder than the blood in his ears. He sat in the back with his cheeks flushed dark red. Everything was wrong. His stomach burned cold- what he imagined terror would have been like before he actually knew it. He must have looked crazy, too. One minute there would be some dopey smile on his face, and the next he was close to tears. He grit his teeth to try and block it all out.
Closing his eyes, an image of Karkat flashed. Red eyes- so terribly close... He opened them in a hurry, to remember the smell of the troll’s hair. Different than human, still with the base soft smell of oil. It made him grit his teeth harder. Something like that shouldn’t make him smile and make him want to puke at the same time. Nothing should do that. Ever. But he was here on this bus at one in the freaking morning feeling like it. Maybe crying would be easier, but he was on the bus alone at night and then the driver would see him. He couldn’t cry on the bus.
The thought of Karkat’s offer to stay over surfaced in his mind and he turned even redder. He had said no in the rush of getting away from his confusion... but if he had stayed, would he still be feeling like this? Or would Karkat’s hands have gently soothed him out of it? How would they...? How was it possible to turn more red than he already was? He shook his head. Too many bad questions. All staying over would have done would have been to delay this, and probably make it worse. What if they had slept in the same bed? How far...would it have gone? He put his hands over his burning face.
There was no way he could handle this alone, but it was one in the morning mid-bus rout. He was alone for now. Even when he wasn’t, who could he tell? Who would Karkat tell? Oh God, what if he told someone? He let a tear leak out in desperation. Everyone was going to know and... and... the bus driver could totally see him crying- god damn it. He wiped his eyes with his sleeve. Turning himself sideways in his seat, he looked at his puffy reflection in the window. It didn’t really matter anymore, anyone could tell he’d been crying, so he put his hood up. Maybe then he would stop being so cold. And sweaty. He unzipped his hoodie and laid his head back on his seat for the rest of the ride.
Home was quiet when he got in- even Dave had gone to bed. Trying to be silent, John crept up the stairs, past Dave’s room and into his own. He closed the door behind him and switched on his bedside light. Throwing off his hoodie he dove for his bed and curled around his pillow. He hoped he didn’t need to puke. Sleep was elusive. Turning over, he put his face into his pillow and tried not to breathe. Turning over again gasping, he lay on his back in his bed. The ceiling was white, and it was still white an hour later. He tried to sigh, but it sounded more like a whimper.
Somewhere between diving into bed and staring at the ceiling his hands found their way into his pocket. His cellphone was warm, and before he really understood what he’d done the screen read ‘text sent’. Darn... who had it sent to? A minute passed before the phone chimed and read ‘you have received a text from JADE”
“What does VHB mean, John?”
He winced.
“Nothing.”
“Oh. Why are you sending me texts at 3am?”
“It was an accident.”
“Ok better question. Why are you awake?”
“Can’t sleep.”
“What’s bothing you?”
“Um- nothing.”
“Imean bothering. it’s 3, john. just tell me. I don’t have time to chase you about this.”
“No, it’s nothing. Just go to bed, Jade.”
“My report’s only half done, I’m up anyway and plant cells are not getting any more interesting. You don’t accidentally text anyone at 3am, ok?”
“Nothing’s wrong”
“You have five minutes to tell me before I phone Dave.”
“That’s not fair.”
“I’m phoning Dave now.”
John’s thumbs hovered over his phone.
“Karkat kissed me.”
“Oh”
John’s phone was quiet for what seemed like forever.
“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”
More tears.
“I don’t know.”
“What do you think you’re going to do about it?”
“I don’t know.”
“I’d tell you to sleep, but that’s kind of stupid, isn’t it?”
“I think so.”
“so if you could do anything about it right now what would it be?”
“I don’t know.”
“I’m not Rose, but I think what you need to do is sleep (even though thats dumb to ask) and talk to me about it later because you wont get any answers tonight.”
He didn’t reply to that. Shutting his phone he lay down on his bed and thought about puking. Maybe the phone would ring again. At three AM. Who would call him at three AM? That wasn’t Karkat, maybe. Oh God, what if Karkat called him? What would he say-text-whatever? What would Karkat be asking? What if he hated him now because he ran away? Why did he kiss- why did Karkat kiss him when he knew he wasn’t-but the couch was just- and he was upset and then Karkat was upset and he... he...was crying again and fuck he couldn’t wake anyone up or this would be the mess of the freaking year and it probably already was. He hadn’t slept for too long. Jade was right. He needed to sleep. And breathe. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out.
He sighed and sat up. Pulling off his clothes, he threw them in the laundry basket and dove back into his bed. Curled up. He held his comforter right up to his ears and imagined he was in a cocoon. The cocoon would be warm soon, and then he could sleep, because it was safe and small and only for him. In. Out. In. Out. In a cocoon, like a troll-bed. Sometimes Karkat had talked about those. They didn’t really sound like a caterpillar cocoon, but it was hard to tell with Karkat telling him about it. He’d get frustrated, and then his cheeks would flush cartoon red. So close to his face he could feel his breath, and then the nip of his teeth and... and...it was happening again and he wasn’t sleeping and it was bad because he needed to sleep but he just couldn’t and it hurt to blame Karkat for anything and it hurt to think about it being his own fault and he couldn’t cry or puke because then everyone would want to know why and Jade already knew and Karkat probably told everyone and now... now...Karkat wouldn’t go tell everyone something like that, would he? But it wasn’t the same for trolls about things... like... this was getting out of control.
In. Out. In. Out. This wasn’t working. His heart was still going a million miles an hour and how could no one hear him breathing like that? It was just so loud that someone had to burst in any second now and just tell him to stop it because they were trying to sleep here John and why wasn’t he asleep at four thirty in the morning?
His excuse would be lame-- that he, uh, couldn’t sleep sorry for waking you up I didn’t mean to sorry I’ll just stop. He held his breath. It didn’t last, and only made his heart beat faster. It was already in his throat and then it was too small a place for it and he ended up gasping into his pillow so no one would hear him drowning himself in this bad feeling.
Maybe he should have stayed. It was... it had been so easy to be there on the couch with Karkat and nothing hurt this much but there was a different kind of hurt and maybe that was just as bad but at least it wasn’t this kind. Maybe he wouldn’t be here dying if he had stayed.
No, he’d be over there double dying and having to face everyone in the morning. Stupid, stupid, morning.
He started awake a few more times during the night. The first time waking up to his arms shooting out in front of him, the second to a shuddering and spreading damp spot on his boxers. He had got up that time, to change and untangle himself from the twisted heap of his blanket. The third time, dawn had already broken, and noise was just starting up downstairs. He closed his eyes, and then Dave was throwing a baseball cap at him. It was late enough that he couldn’t get out of waking up, then.
He jumped when the cap landed on his face, and Dave snorted in laughter.
“What’s up with you?”
John rubbed his eyes, hoping they were less swollen than the night before, or at least that rubbing them would be a good enough excuse for them being puffy.
“Uh...”
“So you got drunk for the first time without telling me?”
“What?”
“You fucking reek of poor decisions. You look like you lost a fight with a shitty bottle of tequila John. You’re incoherent and it’s almost eleven thirty. Jesus next time just ask me to come along. Anyway Karkat phoned. Sounded as bad as you look. Fucked up. Tell him to call your cell sometime instead of the house phone.”
“Huh?”
“Get on that.”
Dave looked him up and down once before he continued down the hall. John sighed, and this time it sounded like a sigh before clogging in his throat. It was daylight, yesterday was still real, and Jade had been right; there were no answers.
***
He had lost a friend, he guessed. Was it worth it? It was hard to tell. Life went on mostly the same way it always did-- the veil of uncomfortable confusion was just that much thicker. He felt like he needed to be cured, but human medicine was mostly a no go and he wasn’t stupid enough to think that would have been an actual answer anyway.
But it would have been tempting.
Something so easy was just not allowed to be the right answer. There wasn’t enough suffering involved. Human suffering. Troll suffering. Either actually worked. He hadn’t seen or heard from John in two weeks, and it was stupid to be upset by that. Still, here he was. What had he actually expected? He frowned at nothing- apparently he had been doing that more than normal. Gamzee had been squinting at him for the past few days, but he never said anything. Insenstitive fucker.
“You have something wrong in you, brother.”, he had finally said.
“What?”
“You’re sitting there, being all lonesome and achy. It’s a bad way to be.”
“What are you talking about?”
“John.”
He had cringed and turned away.
“What the fuck do you know about this, Gamzee?”
“Miracles, brother.”
“You are so full of shit.”
“No I’m not. I’m not all lonesome and achy inside, you are.”
“You stupid-”
“How could you stop being all achy?”
“I couldn’t, you self righteous asswad! It’s not up to me anymore, I’d need one of your fucking Miracles for this to actually work out and I don’t subscribe to your freakshow of a religion, got it?”
“Or you could see him.”
“What part about this are you so fucking confused about? He’s not returning any calls, he’s not coming around anymore and there’s nothing I could ever do about it, okay! This isn’t even your life-”
Gamzee shoved something into his hands. What the fuck?
“What the fuck are you-”
“Look at that whenever you need to, brother.”
He pulled one of those sleepy, long-mouthed clown faces before he walked away humming something. Something annoyingly upbeat. Fuckass. Karkat looked into his hand. The green casing of Kanaya’s cell phone peeked up at him through his fingers and he felt his jaw open on it’s own accord. Gog damn it. It really was that simple, wasn’t it? That wonderful meddler- lies and deception were definitely the way to solve this problem. John would never know it was Karkat he was speaking to over the phone- yes this would completely fool him and then somehow everything would be okay! Of course he wouldn’t hang up as soon as he figured out who it was. Of course not.
Why were all his friends idiots?
Wait, did this mean that Kanaya knew about- oh fuck. He opened the phone and was halfway done dialing her number before he realized that he was on her fucking phone already. He ground his teeth. Fuck. If Kanaya knew, probably so did everyone else. Fuck. He tried Rose’s number. Then down the rest of the top five if he had to. He hissed at the phone as it rang.
“Hello Karkat.” said Kanaya from the other end, “Stop hissing at me and call John.”
“This isn’t funny, you know.”
“Do you hear me laughing?”
“I hear someone laughing!”
“I am not in control of Rose’s actions, or yours for that matter.”
“Then why the fuck do I have your fucking phone?”
“It is just a suggestion, Karkat.”
“A fucking shitty one!”
“Then do not call John. Do not even try this. No. You are right, and this will not catch him off guard enough to get him talking. Not after two weeks of helpless pain. No, it is hopeless and you will not regret not having tried this.”
“Do you ever stop talking?”
“Only when I let myself break so I can hear you screaming.”
“Fuck you, Kanaya. Stop getting Rose to tell you what to say.”
“I also hold you in high regard, Karkat, and the very idea of that is preposterous.”
“I’m not fucking deaf!”
“The ringing sound you are hearing is a byproduct of screaming so much, and nothing else. Goodbye, Karkat. Perhaps you will call us after you have finished speaking with John.”
She hung up before he had the chance to say anything else. That nosey bitch. The phone was warm in his hand now. He glared at it. How was he going to do this?
Or was he even going to? It was so fucking stupid. What if he didn’t want to phone that idiot? What if he didn’t care? That’s why he was shaking. Because he didn’t care. If the phone broke suddenly in his hand then he would be busy picking plastic out of his skin and not be able to call anyone. Then Kanaya would make him pay for a new one six times over because Rose was just a fucking lawyer, wasn’t she? Well, he could lose it... somehow. In the hours that he had until they called back to mock him for not calling.
He looked around. Was anyone else actually home? Family was a horrible creature. Carole was out... Gamzee was here, but somewhere else. Stephan could be lurking anywhere. He looked at the phone again and booked it up the stairs, rounded the banister into his room and shut the door. Fuck life.
Sitting down on his bed he noticed the number had been changed on Kanaya’s saved list. Instead of reading “John”, it read “True Love”. Fucking hilarious. He pressed okay anyway and waited for it to ring. He tried to sigh, but it came out as a strangled squeak. Maybe it would be easier to just hang up, but was that- no. Fuck. A busy signal. Really? Relief surged through him as he fought back tears. God damn it, John.
He didn’t throw the phone; the wall was calling for a bought of listless staring. Maybe the space between the wall and the ceiling would be better. Or just the ceiling- the inside of his eyelids. Somewhere that wasn’t here. Dark, Alternian... somewhere easier. Oh, fuck reality. The ceiling was really fucking stupid. So was the wall. The bed. The phone. Him.
Then it was ringing. Rose, you stupid bitch, just leave. Go. He growled as he picked up the phone.
“Kanaya? You called right?”
“John?”
“Oh, K-Karkat. Hi. Is, ah, Kanaya with you? She uh... called.”
He squeaked the last word like a scurrybeast. That... fucker.
“So you just... walk away. You just leave me here for almost three weeks, without a word. Nice. Really fucking nice. ‘No’ would have been better than this, you ignorant fuckwad! At least it’s somewhere to go from, but I just haven’t been suffering long enough about this, obviously. So fine, whatever, John. Wallow in whatever retarded human pity you have for me, and just make sure it lasts this time!”
There was silence on the other end of the line.
“Yeah,” he said, “that’s what I thought. You can hang up any time you want, John.”
“N- Karkat?”
“What.”
“It-it’s only four. Um...are you busy right now?”
His chest constricted.
“What, are you-”
A sigh, that sounded more like a sob.
“Yeah, I... I can meet you wherever you want, if that’s what you mean.”
The line buzzed digital silence again.
“Okay.”
***
As he had put down the phone, shaking, Lisa had called up to him that she was going out with Neil, and they would probably be a few hours.
“What? Where are you guys going?” he had called back.
“Out.”
Oh. Alright then.
“Bye guys.”
Oh God. The front door locked behind them and it was silent and he was alone. It was like Home Alone, but not Christmas and he wasn’t waiting for a pair of lovable, dimwitted robbers. Instead he was waiting for Karkat. Because somehow he was coming over. After yelling at him on the phone, somehow it was understood that he should come see John and maybe things would be less messed up. That didn’t actually make sense, though. He had missed Karkat, in pretty much the worst way, but...
But what? But nothing. The house suddenly seemed messy, suddenly it had been too long since he had showered, and suddenly the doorbell was ringing and it just couldn’t be anyone else but Karkat. Oh, God. He went into the hallway and threw the laundry basket of Dave’s clothes into Dave’s room, then a plethora of dishes in the sink before he finally answered the door.
Karkat was moping on the deck when he opened the door. He gave John a wounded look, and said,
“Hi.”
“Hi.”, John squeaked, “um... do you want to come in.”
“Sure.”
So they sat in the kitchen, not saying anything for what felt like forever. Karkat just kind of sat there, looking at him, his hands clutching his knees. It was like he was going to break, and John didn’t know what to do. Touching his shoulder? But the thought of that sent white hot pins through his stomach. That had to be bad... but he was just sitting there, was he getting redder? This had been such a bad idea. Karkat looked like he wanted to die... or maybe just explode.
His hand found its way to Karkat’s shoulder, and in an instand the troll’s hand was over his own, grasping just that tiny bit too tight. His heart was in his throat. He tried to pull away, but Karkat held on. He was hissing through his teeth, and not looking at him now. Oh god, what did that mean? Other than he was going to explode. Every second was stretching out into eternity, and he just had to decide what to...
He was standing up. Oh, and Karkat stood up with him. He was looking at him now, and those eyes that were just starting to be filled with red pigment were blurred with something else. It was unbearable. He made a small sound, and then was buried in Karkat’s arms. Impossible to tell who had pulled who into their arms, John hung on, wrapping his arms up under Karkat’s. One of Karkat’s arms wrapped around his back, while the other hand’s nails grazed his scalp gently enough to tickle. He could hear the other’s heartbeat, even faster than his own. That shouldn’t have been possible, but there it was, going a million and one miles a minute. He looked up, and the sweet scent of troll’s breath met him. But... instead of a burning, cold-fire kiss, Karkat’s lips brushed by his cheek and landed softly on the skin beneath his ear.
“I can’t do this, John. Not when you don’t mean it. It’s fucking shitty of you to drag me down here to tease me like this.”
He growled his words, but didn’t let go. John’s eyes pricked and... and he kissed him- that burning, cold-fire kiss. And he was shaking, and holding on to Karkat for what felt like his life, his knuckles white and caught up in Karkat’s shirt. He had kissed him. He had. And Karkat was shaking just as much as he was, and they were on the kitchen floor again in silent mockery of three weeks ago.
And it felt like their breath could have fogged up the entire room, but it didn’t and the floor was still cold. They sat on it anyway, together and scared to break the silence. John’s heart was calm. Their breathing had slowed, and for a while that’s all there was.
“Is this for real, this time?”
Karkat’s voice was soft by his ear, but it cracked the silence open. He didn’t know how to answer, but his breath rushed out of his lungs anyway.
“Yes.”
Wait, yes? Yes... Oh God, yes.
Karkat didn’t speak. His lips found the base of John’s neck, and climbed up, over his jaw back to his mouth. Nothing could ever compare. He kissed back, and found the nip of those teeth- glimpses of red eyes through fluttering lashes. The troll’s skin was softer than any human’s he could remember touching. His face, the back of his neck, under his shirt... oh, the little nip of his teeth. He had worked his way down to his neck again, never drawing blood, but it was as if he was tasting John’s skin, little by little. It made him shiver against the linolium. So did the barely noticeable prick of Karkat’s nails on his ribs- and then he brushed over a nipple. Ah- his body twitched all over and he sucked in air. He let it out in a sharp hiss as Karkat’s teeth found his collarbone. A revenge like motion, he brushed his own fingers over Karkat’s nipple. No gasp in return, but a sonorous hiss.
It felt like a dream. The troll reacted to his hands in an almost feline way. John grasped the back of his head, to pull him back up for a deep kiss. Soft hair, and then those horns. Smooth. Karkat’s head jerked up as his fingers found the base of them. His body, that had somehow managed to push John to the floor, was rigid above him. There was something else in his eyes, then, and he lowered himself down onto his elbows. Measured and trembling, he whispered into John’s ear,
“Just try that again.”
John’s fingers teased the base of his horns again, and he curled, growling and trembling, around John’s body. He could feel the press of him everywhere. It felt good- every nerve was alive. He gasped again, and...and there were more tears. Karkat let his breath out, through his teeth again, but this time a gentle murmur in John’s ear.
“Shhhhhh, shhhhhh. John. You can finish frustrating me later, I guess. Shhhhhhhh, what is it?”
He just shook his head and snuggled his way into the crook of Karkat’s neck.There was... just a moment of disjoint, before the troll’s arms were around him again- holding him tight. This is what he wanted. This was what was hurting. This was making him happy. This was making him cry.
“I’m sorry.” he said.
“For what?”
Karkat’s voice raised an octave, two words and almost to the breaking point.
“No... not like that.”
“How, then?”
It strained even more.
“You said this was okay. You fucking kissed me back twice now, John. You said yes. You don’t fucking say shit like that if you don’t mean it! For fuck’s sake, John-”
“I-it’s not that!”
“Then what the bloody fuck is it?”
“Well it’s human tradition to take him out to dinner at least twice before you rip his pants off Karkat.”
Both of them looked up. Dave stood in the kitchen entrance, phone in hand, adjusting his shades.
“What the fuck Dave, how long have you been there?”
Karkat turned cherry red, and John followed suit. John’s clinging might have been the only thing keeping him from violence. Dave smirked.
“I just lost like fifty bucks guys. Thanks for that cool move.”
“What?”
“Man, you’re flaming but not in the way that wins me fifty bucks.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“You have not yet physically burst into flames. Shitty for me now I owe Terezi fifty bucks.”
“Wait, Dave,” squeaked John, “you’re running a betting pool with Terezi on this?”
“I hate to break it to you bro but you’re gay enough for at least five dudes and you were the last to know about it.”
“Huh?”
“Whatever guys I need to go marinate in shame for losing a bet this stupid before I grub up fifty bucks for Terezi.”
“Those fuckers,” growled Karkat as Dave sauntered away, “Those fuckers set us up.”
“Is that.... terrible?” John’s voice was a shaky squeak.
“Of course it’s fucking terrible, but not for the reasons you want to think, Egbert.”
Suddenly John was almost crushed into Karkat’s chest.
“Those inconsiderate fucks think they can just mess with our lives! I’m going to paint Terezi’s room snot green in the middle of the fucking night. You have strict instructions to put dye in that fuckwad’s shampoo.”
He growled his words, deep enough that John could feel them through his chest. He sighed. Curled up on the floor, agonizingly aroused, with a non-human entity. Everyone knew. He clung, kind of limply, to Karkat’s chest, and wondered where it went from here.