Chapter Text
So, Alex had an aversion to kisses.
No, he wasn’t a germaphobe or anything like that, and it wasn’t like he had an aversion to general affection: he was quick to comfort someone with a tight hug, he used to love when his mother or sister would kiss him on the cheek and he would never turn down a cuddle with any of the boys. Forehead kisses were fine, cheek kisses were fine; Luke was notorious for planting one on anyone’s face, whether playfully, in gratitude or otherwise. Sure, sometimes his grandmother would leave a smear of red lipstick on his forehead when he was little, or there was a small spot of saliva where Luke’s lips had been. All of these things were sort of gross, but they could easily be wiped off and were forgotten on his end within a few minutes.
Alex’s problem stemmed from giving kisses. He almost never kissed anyone unless it was absolutely demanded of him. This proved to be a bit of a problem when he was seeking amorous relationships.
His first kiss couldn’t have been more awful. He had been thirteen and had been tutoring one of the girls, Samantha George, from his 8th grade science class. He’d been trying his best to teach her Punnett Squares and the difference between genotype and phenotype, but she’d been anything but interested. That’s probably why she’s failing this class, he’d thought warily, fighting the urge to roll his eyes.
“You have really pretty eyes,” she had interjected randomly. He gaped at her as she tossed him an oversized, glossy smile.
“Uh.” That had caught him completely off guard. He had no idea how to respond to that. He twirled his pencil nervously, “You, uh, you too, I guess,” he’d said it back, but absently. Like at a restaurant when the waiter tells you to enjoy your food, and you say thanks, you too, and you mentally kick yourself afterwards because what the hell? That’s how Alex felt after the words had nervously tumbled off of his tongue.
“Really?” She twisted her auburn hair around her finger playfully. “What else do you like about me?” His eyes would’ve fallen out his head with how hard he was mentally rolling them.
“I uh… I like that you. I like that you were… brave?” Yeah, that was the word. “Brave enough to seek help about your… um. Failing grade. Which is why we’re here, so…” In retrospect, it was the worst response he could’ve possibly given her, largely because it was so ineffective.
“Do you think I’m pretty?” She pressed, scooting uncomfortably close to him. She completely ignored his underhand compliment, it was almost like they were speaking in different languages. Could she seriously not tell that he wanted to be anywhere but there?
And what was he supposed to do? Lie??
Apparently.
“Uh, yeah, I mean... I guess —mmmpf—,” this time she’d cut him off by pressing her lips to his. He had frozen in place, unsure what to do as her overglossed lips attempted to slot themselves with his. Her forehead awkwardly knocked against his as he felt her teeth strangely graze his bottom lip. He had no idea what he was doing, and it was rather evident that she didn’t either. Her lips were thin, but it felt like they were completely blocking his air supply as she sloppily attempted to get him to reciprocate the action. She was literally, and figuratively, sucking the life out of him. On top of this, she smelled like a manufactured bowl of fruit; overly sweet with a plasticy air.
It was sticky. It was wet. And it was utterly disgusting.
He pulled away as soon as he recaptured his thoughts. He could feel the lip gloss smeared on his face; he probably looked like he’d dipped his face in a vat of sparkly oil. Gross. Repulsive. Never again.
He shuddered at the memory.
His next kiss had been with Luke, when they were fifteen. It hadn’t actually been a bad kiss, but the memory was coated with embarrassment. Alex hadn’t officially come out to them, but he’d thrown out a few hints and hypothetical situations to see how his friends would react. The last thing he’d expected was Luke to start flirting with him. He wasn’t complaining much though, he’d been harboring a growing crush on the other boy since he’d met him at freshman orientation.
They’d been hanging out in Alex’s bedroom, the door closed. Luke had been talking about a song he’d wanted to show Alex, a song he wanted the band to play. Usually, this would be something that Luke would bring up during band practice: he’d rattle off the lyrics, teach them the chord progression and they’d improv with various ad libs and harmonies until they had something solid that they wanted to pen down and build on. Maybe Luke was struggling with the lyrics or wanted Alex’s opinion on some chords; there was a first for everything. Alex had shrugged it off. The lyrics had been oddly amorous and Luke would look at him every now and then to gauge his friends reactions. Alex would raise his eyebrows when Luke’s voice faltered, urging him to continue.
When he finished, he’d stared at Alex expectantly- and, oh, when did he get that close? Luke’s face was only a few inches from his own.
“So? What did you think?” he almost bounced on his knees.
“It’s really good, Luke,” Alex had conceded, he twisted the ring around his thumb absently.
“You really like it?” Luke’s eyes flicked down to his lips. It made Alex nervous.
“Yeah, Luke. I really liked it,” he nodded, tossing his friend an encouraging smile. Luke had beamed back at him, a rosy color painting his cheeks; he looked adorable. Alex found himself getting lost in Luke’s intense stare until he felt Luke’s lips connect with his gently. Luke pulled back, almost immediately. His eyes had been wide and staring at Alex as if he was asking for permission to continue. This time, Alex leaned in, pressing his lips to Luke’s.
Okay, so he didn’t hate it. It was a stark difference to his first kiss with Sam; there was no sticky, sweet gloss. Luke’s lips were a little chapped and he smelled like cinnamon and slightly of sweat. He moved his lips slightly, closing his eyes as a weird huff escaped through his nose when he’d realized he’d stopped breathing. The kiss was still wet, and he wasn’t quite sure what to do and-- great! His door was opening.
He quickly pulled away from Luke, looking up at his sister's wide eyes. “Beth! Oh my god,” he had frantically wiped at his mouth. He thought he had locked his door- of course this is the time his door is unlocked. She had only giggled, admitting she always thought Luke liked him. He’d wrapped her in a hug, grateful she hadn’t screamed or ran downstairs to their parents. After explaining the situation to her and making her promise to never mention this again- especially to their parents- Alex had sworn he just wasn’t going to kiss anyone else. Ever again. If his parents had caught him? He knew his entire life would have fallen apart.
He’d concluded that kissing was wet, you ended up with someone else spit in your mouth, lips were either too sticky or too dry, it felt mildly suffocating and like he couldn’t breathe. And what was he supposed to do it with his tongue? Not only did it feel weird, but he also wasn’t sure there would ever be a time where he wasn’t afraid his parents would see him. In public, surely he’d be ridiculed and behind closed doors… well, someone could open those doors and then he’d ultimately be ridiculed. Again. There was no winning.
He didn’t hate his kiss with Luke, but he convinced himself that he had so it never would happen again.
Somehow he and Luke had managed to have a thing for a couple of months without making out, or even kissing really. He liked the way things were, and neither one seemed keen on rushing into a relationship. Save a few cheek kisses and extra cuddles from Luke, things ultimately remained the same.
Until they didn’t.
They’d ended whatever-they-had amicably, and remained close, never bringing it up after that.
And then they died.
Alex was convinced he’d never have to worry about kissing or receiving kisses in the afterlife, and that proved to be a big fucking positive of dying.
And then he’d met Willie.
The problem with meeting Willie was, well, he wanted to kiss Willie. He’d never really wanted to kiss anybody before; Samantha had attempted to suffocate him without his consent, and Luke had completely taken him by surprise, especially when his sister had walked in on them.
Alex was rather miffed that attraction seemed to prevail in the afterlife, as did crushes. He figured as a dead person, he would have lived his life and essentially learned all the lessons he was meant to learn- uncover all of life’s secrets, so to speak. He’d never had a real relationship when he was living, the closest being his almost relationship with Luke- so he supposed that there was technically a lot he could learn. He just didn’t think it would happen because he was, you know. Dead
Somehow, he had no nervous system and he was still nervous around Willie. He had no circulating blood and yet he felt it all rush to his cheeks whenever Willie smiled at him. He had no heartbeat and yet Willie somehow made it rise to unnatural speeds. He had no stomach that could contain metaphorical butterflies, and somehow he felt them fluttering uneasily whenever Willie held his hand.
He and Willie had gone places, done things that some might view as dating; they often held hands, screamed in museums and sometimes Willie would join them in the garage, cuddling up to Alex while the others attempted to write new songs. Neither of them had made any move to push things foreward and Alex was content with the way things were.
Until he wasn’t.
They had been sitting on a park bench and Willie had been rattling on about some random fact that he’d just read about bees, when Alex became positively overwhelmed by the fact that he wanted to kiss him. He wanted to ask Willie to be his boyfriend; he’d never had one before and he’d never felt compelled to ask anyone. When they were alive, Reggie and Bobby seemed to have a new girlfriend every week and even when Alex was ‘with’ Luke, he’d never felt compelled to ask him on a date. He had never really understood the appeal. He still wasn’t sure he understood the appeal, but Willie made him want to. Willie made him feel a lot of things he hadn’t before.
It was sunny, and the light shone off the other boys hair; the sun dimmed in comparison to his bright smile. His ears had stopped working as he felt his focus zone in on Willie’s lips. His mouth had run dry and he knew if he tried to speak, his voice would come out high pitched and shallow.
“Hey, are you okay?” Willie was staring at him, a concerned expression painting his face.
“Me? Uh, yeah! I’m fine. Perfectly fine.” Alex subconsciously scooted away from Willie, nervously running his hand through his hair. Willie was smiling at him, but his eyes looked unconvinced. “Just thinking,” He added.
Willie nodded in understanding. “Yeah, dude. You do that a lot.”
“Sorry,” Alex apologized quickly. He could feel his cheeks beginning to heat up.
“For what?” Willie laughed, but not unkindly. “Whatcha thinking about?” He added.
“You, mostly,” He answered honestly. Yeah, he was definitely blushing. He was also aware of how close Willie had gotten.
He really wanted to kiss him.
“Yeah?” Willie asked, playing with a blade of grass between his fingers. His eyes met Alex’s.
“Yeah,” He confirmed. “I do that a lot too,” Was he flirting? He was hoping that Willie understood he was flirting. Or at least trying to flirt with him.
Somehow, though, he thinks Willie understood because his face was closer to his and now his gaze was fixed on the region near Alex’s mouth. He recognized the tension, as it was reminiscent of the time Luke had kissed him.
Willie’s hand had made its way into his hair and his thumb was gingerly stroking his cheekbone. The expression on his face was intense, but also serene and there was a slight smirk playing at his lips. Alex emmeted a nervous laugh.
“You’re so freaking cute, man,” He felt his blush deepen at the compliment.
Okay, Willie was about to kiss him. He was almost 100% certain. “Is this okay?” Willie’s voice was soft.
Kissing was wet, you ended up with someone else spit in your mouth, lips were either too sticky or too dry, it felt mildly suffocating and like he couldn’t breathe. And was he supposed to do it with his tongue?
And see? He really liked Willie and he really,really wanted to kiss him. He just didn’t want to feel the disgust like he did with Samantha or the shame he felt after his kiss with Luke when Beth had walked in.
Willie’s face was somehow even closer than it had been and his eyes were searching Alex’s for permission; almost like he was waiting for him to close the gap between them.
Instead, Alex pulled away and let out a breathy laugh, standing quickly.
“I have band practice?” Why did that sound like a question? It wasn’t a question, it was an excuse- and also a lie.
“Right,” Willie cleared his throat and inched away, his eyes fixing on the tree behind Alex. “Sorry.”
“Yeah… I’ll just…” he pointed behind him in no particular direction. Willie nodded rather dejectedly.
And Alex?
He poofed the fuck out.