Chapter Text
Post Siberia
STEVE
Steve walked down the street following Bucky and Tony quietly. He had been so sure that Bucky would have spotted him from the get-go, but no. Bucky was engrossed in his conversation with Tony that his entire body was lax. After all of these years and even after Hydra, Steve knew the signs that Bucky was alert or suspicious. Here and now, he was not. Despite the crowd around them and the numerous people gawking as they watched the Winter Solder and Iron Man walk hand in hand down the street.
Steve took a deep breath and slowed down. He pushed his beanie down his head and kept his walk as normal as possible. The last thing he wanted was to be stopped by a fan. His face grew warm at the idea of Bucky or Tony finding out he was stalking them.
Was that the right thing to do?
No.
Would he still do it?
Yes.
After Siberia Tony and Steve had a rocky start. The anger that Tony had held against Steve hadn’t melt right away. Whatever Steve did, Tony didn’t like it. At the beginning, Steve used to skip team bonding sessions because he didn’t want to ruin the teams nights. Tony complained every single time about it. When Steve had been there and stayed silent, Tony had taken his muteness for disdain.
Steve, who had never backed down in front of any challenge, stayed as passive and normal as possible. He knew that Tony’s anger was rational, and it was his fault for the separation of the team. He also knew that Bucky needed help and he hadn’t wanted to jeopardize that. Although Tony would have never attacked Bucky based on Steve’s actions and Steve knew it.
All his fears had not been rational at the time. They all mashed up together and created a bigger monster. Something he wasn’t sure to be able to fight on his own. Or even with help.
He hadn’t tried to talk about it to Sam because he was his friend and not his therapist. It didn’t help that Sam had taken a liking for Bucky and seem to enjoy their time together more than with Steve.
That again was a problem.
Steve was jealous and paranoid. His anxiety was through the roof and he found himself fidgeting so much it was becoming a burden during their missions. No amount of rationalization and yoga helped. He was slowly spiraling and no one, not even Nat’ saw right through his mask.
Steve brought his hands to his face and tried to warm them. He checked again behind and around him if anyone had recognized him and slowly accelerated when Bucky and Tony turned to the right.
The problem…the bigger problem was that after a few months of watching everyone bond together as if the fight in Berlin didn’t happen, Steve had yet to find his place.
Soon after the team was reunited, Tony had replaced Steve as the leader of the team. He was now the one coordinating them. He had optimized and updated all the programs for the team and their individual workout regimen. He had outdone himself – surprise - to the point that Steve could only compare each of their work.
He remembered that night clearly. The one where Tony had sent to each of them their personal program. Steve had taken the entire night to analyze each difference between what he’d done as a leader and what Tony succeeded in doing. All the flaws in his programs jumped to his eyes and became painfully obvious. He should have noticed them back then, but didn’t, because he was too dumb compared to Tony.
Tony the futurist.
Tony, the man who created the iron man suit in a cave with scraps.
And then, there was Steve.
If it hadn’t been for the serum, he would have either died from one of his many fights or from his ailments alone.
Truly, Tony had been right; there was nothing special about him.
Never have been, never would.
At the end of this particular night, Steve had found himself sitting on the tub, Bucky’s favorite knife in hand. He still didn’t know how he’d found it or even why he’d been in the bathroom in the first place.
After this incident, Steve went to a psychologist. Not anyone from S.H.I.E.L.D. He hadn’t trusted them at all since they found out that S.H.I.E.L.D was HYDRA. Steve’s trust even in Fury had been replaced to an overall disdain. He didn’t trust them one bit. For all he knew, the psychologists gave reports to Fury or whoever was in command.
He imagined their face if they found out that he was dealing with suicide ideation, severe depression, anxiety, PTSD and body dysmorphia. They wouldn’t even trust him with the shield. They already didn’t trust him to lead the team.
He let out a humorless laugh.
It took him long, but he finally found a good psychologist. A woman in her 50’s who looked as young as him. Her office had felt like home. Home like in the 20’s with his ma’. Something he thought he’d lost forever. And all of that was recreated only with warm colors and beautiful orchids.
The first session happened in a blur. His head had barely touched the pillow of her couch that the first tears had flowed down as he heavily sobbed. He didn’t remember if he even talked to her or only cried during an hour straight. He hadn’t felt ashamed at all for showing his weaknesses. Not like with other specialists.
Everyone expected Captain America to be Steve Rogers. No one really understood that he still felt like the skinny, sick, little guy whose life expectancy was way too low.
The only thing that made him come back for another session was her smile. She hadn’t pitied him, nor had she offered some bland reassurances. She had only waved at him and told him to come back a few days later. For once in his life, he hadn’t protested.
Steve slowed down and watched as Bucky opened the door for Tony. He looked on the opposite side of the restaurant and found a small building. He nodded to himself and went to the back alley next to the small building. Thanks the Lord for small mercies, it wasn’t tall enough that Steve wouldn’t be able to spy on Bucky and Tony.
Steve made his way up easily. He didn’t see anyone on his path and there were no cameras inside. He swiftly opened the door to the rooftop, walked slowly to the edge and sat down. He grabbed his binoculars from his backpack and put them on.
It didn’t take a long time before his eyes found Tony and Bucky, already eating their entrées. Steve let out a controlled exhaled and steadied himself.
He watched how Bucky laughed at something Tony said. He watched as Tony leaned forward and smiled carefree, his thumb caressing the top of Bucky’s hand.
Steve inhaled on the count of three.
Bucky tilted his head and stared at Tony with something akin to love.
Steve exhaled on the count of three.
Tony brought Bucky’s hand to his lips and kissed it.
Steve rolled on his back and stared at the night sky. He let go his grip on the binoculars and dragged his hand on the rough floor.
He was okay.
He was in New-York.
He was okay.
He was in New-York.
Steve closed his eyes.
He still didn’t know why he accepted their offer. While Steve and Tony had tried to mend their broken relationship, Bucky and Tony had created a fresh one. Something that wasn’t built on lies and insults and abuse. Tony had easily forgiven Bucky. He had opened up to him in the same way he had for Steve.
Gone was the Bucky who was the shadow of himself. It didn’t take long before he caught up on the new technologies and soon enough Tony and he were thick as thieves, spending hours long in the workshop.
Steve had been happy. Really. And maybe he was still a bit. Seeing Bucky evolve and create his own happiness was his main mission and had been since Bucky went to Wakanda in the cryo. Steve had vowed to make everything right for him.
Bucky deserved so much.
So yeah, at first Steve had been so happy to see him heal even if Tony barely talked to Steve. Months went on and his happiness melted slowly and revealed darker feelings. Bucky and he grew apart. He spent less time with Steve. Old school Steve. Ignorant Steve. Oblivious Steve. Stubborn Steve. He knew he had a lot to learn about this new century and maybe he was a bit slow compared to Bucky, but Steve tried.
He spent nights reading about this century and the new technologies and it still felt as if his was slacking. Compared to Bucky, Steve felt his age. The only subjects he understood correctly and excelled were arts, war and farming. He had taking a liking for the wildlife and would devore books about it. He went every weekend to a farm and helped farmers when they needed. He went to workshops on how to take care of plants, orchids, trees, animals.
He kept it secret. It had been one of the many subjects he talked to the psychologist. They - he - had come to the conclusion that he was afraid to reveal this secret of his because he didn’t think Bucky nor Tony would support him. And since it was the hobby he was enjoying the most, he kept it close to his heart.
So, it came as a surprise when months later, Tony and Bucky came at him and asked him to be with them. Steve hadn’t been too shocked. He’d already seen them kiss and heard some moans from across his room when they stumbled drunk onto his floor. What had been a bit more surprising was their proposition. Steve hadn’t let himself dream too much and had asked them more about it.
It seemed that he had been right to not hope because what they proposed was a threesome. Nothing more.
Steve accepted.
He didn’t ask for any explanations. He didn’t ask them why they thought it was a good idea, if they had noticed his feelings for them, if they even had feelings for him...
Just a simple yes came out of his mouth.
It would be a lie to say that their “relationship” blossomed quickly into something more substantial. Tony and Bucky still went on dates and spent most of their time together. Only when they wanted to spice things up, they included him in their plans. His time spend with Bucky alone slowly declined to none and Tony…Steve only dared to think that they were friends. Not at the same level as Rhodey or Pepper and now Bucky.
Once upon a time he may have been on his way to this level of closeness with Tony.
Once upon a time Tony and Steve were meant to be, they said.
Steve didn’t know why he followed them on this particular night. Actually, he knew. He knew all the reasons why. First, it was his mom’s death anniversary and back when Bucky was Bucky, he promised Steve to always be there for him on this day. Second, a few days earlier Bucky came to him and asked for the wedding ring of his dead dad.
There again, Steve had been proud of his reaction, or lack of. He had unclasped the necklace where his dog tags and the ring were dangling and handed the ring to Bucky who had seemed surprised. Before he could ask questions about it, Steve had cut him off and congratulated him for making an honest man out of Tony.
Bucky had seemed uncomfortable and somewhat sad. Steve wasn’t really sure. It may have been wishful thinking from his part. Maybe Bucky had been uncomfortable and sad because he could see right through all of the protective layers of Steve’s façade and could read all the love, he felt for both of them.
The day after, Steve had another session with his psychologist. It proved to be helpful. She helped him sort his feelings out and find new ways to cope. At the end of their hour the only solution he came up with was to reveal his feelings to Bucky and Tony and leave. Completely. Remove himself from situations that’ll lead to more heartache and drama.
Steve knew that there would always be a war. Always be a villain. But Steve wasn’t God. He never claimed to be and sometimes he forgot that his life wasn’t supposed to end in a fight. Not anymore. He wasn’t sick anymore. He wasn’t poor anymore. He paid his debts to the U.S. Army and the society. He fought Hydra and Nazis. He deserved to retire in peace.
That’s why he gave up the shield to Sam. It had been uneventful. Sam had only offered a knowing smile and a few wise sentences. They still would be in contact and Steve would help if something big was to happen. As he sat next to Sam, Steve had found the courage to reveal that he wanted to live in the countryside. He had already bought a farm, one cow, one horse, a few chickens and there were to be plenty dogs and other animals. He had already built his little garden and a beautiful greenhouse. There was everything he had ever wanted in one location.
He owed it to his mom. Sarah Rogers. The most important woman in his life. The one who fought for him tooth and nails and wouldn’t hesitate to slap those who wished death upon Steve sickly body. She would have wanted him to be happy and chase his dreams. She deserved to rest in peace knowing her only son wasn’t in danger anymore and would finally appreciate life.
Sam had stared at him with awe and a hint of understanding. He also promised to visit him as often as he could.
“After Captain America, the Nomad, here comes Lumberjack Steve,” Sam had laughed as took off running away from Steve.
Steve smiled softly. Lumberjack Steve. He could get used to it. He already had the beard and the clothing didn’t seem too eccentric for him.
He turned around and brought the binoculars to his eyes. It seems that he didn’t miss the final moment. Bucky was already on his knees and whatever he was saying brought tears to Tony’s eyes. Steve breathing resonated in his head. He counted the seconds and felt drifting away the more he waited for Tony’s response.
Tony suddenly looked toward Steve who froze. Although there was no way Tony could see him, Steve felt naked under the intense gaze. Steve drank in the expression on his face as if he’d been the one proposing to him. And oh, he wished Bucky had proposed to him before the war. They hadn’t been together per say. The night before he was drafted away Bucky had given him the ring, promising him that whatever happened they’ll find their way together. Til the end of the line.
Steve remembered their first and last kiss. A soft brush of the lips which deepened into something more.
Tony looked away and said yes.
Steve let out a long sigh. He stood up and made his way back down. As he passed by the window of the restaurant, he stared at them, graving the memory in his mind.
He nodded to himself and walked back to the Tower.
Before leaving the building, he recorded a video for Bucky and Tony. Only to be played when – if they ever asked where he was. He also asked JARVIS to deactivate the trackers and not reveal his address. He didn’t want to see them. The same way Tony had rightfully avoided him for months after Siberia and how Bucky had avoided him while going through therapy. It was time for Steve to put himself first.
He stood in front of the Tower for a couple of minutes saying his last words and left on his motorcycle.