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Makoto sits with his legs extended in front of him, paused mid-stretch. He doesn’t remember how long he’s been watching Haru stretch. He’s so lithe and flexible it’s very distracting.

God he looks so beautiful…

Haru’s standing opposite him stretching his shoulders. Each time he twists his body Makoto feels his head tilt a little further to the left. He probably looks like an idiot ogling his teammate like this but when Haru is moving like that it’s hard to care.

Since the pool is too cold to swim in lately the team has taken to running and heavy stretching to prevent any muscle loss by the time the warmer months come. Makoto is supposed to be performing his warm-down stretches after their run, but he is far too preoccupied.

Haru glances towards Makoto and he sits up quickly, realising how far to the left he’d been listing. Haru smirks before returning to his stretches, wandering away to ask Gou for help with his thighs. Makoto heaves a sigh, reaching out to wrap his fingers around his toes and hiding his red face in his knees. Haru knows. He must. Makoto is simply too obvious.

“Psst…Mako-chan!”

Makoto looks up. Nagisa and Rei are both peering around the corner of the school building. When they catch his attention they both make frantic gestures for Makoto to join them. He throws a quick glance at Haru, sitting with his legs spread wide and forehead almost touching the ground as Gou leans against his shoulders chatting animatedly about some drama she’s been watching lately (it may have been more than a glance, he’s very flexible) before climbing to his feet and trudging over.

Nagisa grabs his arm when he is within reach and drags him around the corner.

“What is it?” Makoto stumbles as Nagisa draws him far out of Haru and Gou’s earshot. Rei moves to stand behind Makoto, blocking his way back, and he begins to feel a little worried.

“Mako-chan…” Nagisa lets go of his arm and stands back, taking a deep breath. “This is an intervention.”

“A what? Why?” Makoto looks back and forth between Rei and Nagisa.

“It’s about Haru-chan.”

“Is he OK?”

“The intervention is for you, Makoto-senpai.”

“But about Haru-chan.”

“What?” Makoto turns so he can see both his teammates at once.

“Makoto-senpai,” Rei draws Makoto’s attention. “You…you need to tell Haruka-senpai that you love him.”

“What?” Makoto repeats, face heating up. “What do you–I mean–”

“You do love him, right?” Nagisa cocks his head.

“Well…yes. I…I thought it was obvious.” Makoto can’t lie.

“It is,” Nagisa assures him and Makoto makes a face, feeling hot. “We just wanted to make sure you weren’t in denial about it.”

Makoto lowers his gaze, not comfortable with his friends’ knowing expressions.

Makoto has been in love with Haru his whole life.

He would swear by this fact. He cannot pinpoint the moment he realised it to be true, he just knows that as long as he has known Haru, he has known he loved him.

The only problem is Makoto has never admitted this fact out loud. They’re both eighteen and Makoto has never told Haru how he feels. And really, Makoto thinks, that’s simply too many years to go without saying it.

 “I want to,” he admits, the same thoughts racing through his head over and over. “I keep thinking I need to…I just…can’t?”

Makoto isn’t sure what makes it so hard for him to work up the courage to tell Haru. It’s not like he expects Haru to be put off by the news. Haru is Makoto’s best friend, whether he is in love with him or not, and that is not going to change anytime soon. Haru has always been accepting of every part of Makoto, so surely admitting he loved him would just be one more quirk that Haru would put up with; mothering, scared of everything, in love with Haru…classic Makoto…

To be honest Haru probably knows already anyway, Makoto doesn’t do a great job at hiding it.

“Why not?” Rei moves closer, probably now he knows Makoto isn’t going to run away or whatever other contingency he and Nagisa had planned for.

“I don’t know, it never feels right, I guess.”

“Why does it feel wrong?” Nagisa asks and Makoto quickly reiterates.

“No, it’s not wrong it’s more…” He pauses trying to grasp at his thoughts. He hadn’t been prepared to explain his reasoning right now and he was still thinking about Haru bending over touching his toes earlier.

“I think I know what you mean,” Rei interrupted. “Wanting to say something as important as that at the perfect moment.” His face flushes red and he seems to be looking pointedly away from Nagisa who gives him a sly glance before returning his gaze to Makoto.

“When’s the perfect moment then? Something you plan? Like a date?”

“Maybe,” Makoto accepts. “Or something unexpected when it just feels like the right time, you know?”

“Not really,” Nagisa laughs. “But I guess if Rei feels that way too it’s not entirely weird.”

Makoto laughs as well. Rei, still red faced, just mumbles something under his breath that Makoto can’t hear.

“So are you just going to keep coasting along, hiding your feelings, until this magic moment appears?”

Makoto sighs.

“I…I shouldn’t. But…I don’t know how to force it.”

He’s not going to lie and say he hasn’t tried. In the past he’s made attempts at planning perfect moments to confess but something always got in the way – his siblings, Nagisa, a really cute cat – and the moment was spoiled. He just moved on and decided he would tell Haru another time.

“Make a time limit,” Nagisa suggests. Makoto furrows his brow.

“That’s not a bad idea,” Rei says, nodding. “Pressure is a proven method of motivation. Enforcing deadlines ensures things get done, in both a working environment and academic.”

“So what do I do?”

“Set a date. Say ‘I will have confessed my undying love for the man of my dreams by x day of x month.’”

“Say, like, New Years?” Rei offers.

“It’s December third today, so…maybe Christmas?” Nagisa suggests instead. “That’s over twenty days away, gives you time to plan your perfect moment but is still short enough that you won’t procrastinate, right?”

Rei nods along.

“And what better thing to give Haruka-senpai for Christmas than yourself?”

“Naked on his bed.”

“No.”

Makoto laughs, but he gives it serious thought. Their idea isn’t crazy. He could finally get his feelings off his chest, and maybe if he was lucky Haru might return his sentiments straight away. What better way to spend Christmas?

“I’ll do it,” he says and Nagisa and Rei share triumphant smiles.

*

When it comes to assignments it’s Haru who always leaves things to the last minute. Makoto is the kind who pumps his out the week after it is assigned, and he is certain it will be the same with this plan. He has twenty-two days to plan out his perfect moment. He can start now, set a date, a place, practice the exact way he’s going to deliver his confession.

But he imagines now he knows exactly how Haru feels. Knowing there are a whole twenty-two days before he needs to have confessed makes it easy to ignore. Twenty-two days is almost a month. He still has plenty of time to plan. And besides, no one gives gifts this early. It makes no sense to say ‘I love you and also merry Christmas’ on December 4th. Or 5th…or 6th…or 7th…

Unfortunately this thought process is exactly what leads to Makoto stressing over telling Haru he loves him on December 20th.  

Perfect moments don’t just pop up because you wish they would, Makoto should have planned this ahead of time like he had intended but somehow he let this time pass him and now his days are all full up leading to Christmas. There is still schoolwork and he has chores and he has to stay home to decorate the house and set up the Christmas tree with the twins, since they refuse to do until Makoto can be home, and of course there’s the Tachibana’s traditional ‘dad forgot to buy the Christmas cake’ family outing.

At lunch Nagisa corners Makoto at a vending machine.

“So?” He asks, pushing ahead of Makoto and punching the button for strawberry milk, using the coins Makoto had already put in.

 “So, what?”

Nagisa snatches his milk out and stands up grinning expectantly at Makoto.

“I’ve been trying really hard not to ask but Christmas is only five days away now. What’s the plan?”

Makoto’s stomach tightens. Nagisa’s eyes are wide and eager and he’s bouncing on his toes. What would he do if Makoto told him the truth, that he had no plan? Get angry? Get upset? Either way Makoto didn’t have the heart to ruin his excitement.

He forces on a smile.

“I…I’m going to do it tonight?” Makoto wants to smack himself. Tonight?

“Tonight?!” Nagisa looks about ready to take off into the sky. He starts rummaging around in his pockets. “That’s so exciting! To think tomorrow you two will finally be a couple! How are you going to do it?”

“That’s not guaranteed,” Makoto begins and Nagisa snorts loudly. “But, ah…It’s a secret. I’ll tell you tomorrow.”

“Lame!” Nagisa produces a few yen to replace the ones he stole from Makoto. “Fine, okay, but you better tell me every detail tomorrow! Right down to the look on his face when you say it. And his exact words in response!”

“Yeah.” Makoto laughs weakly. He takes the money, but suddenly doesn’t really feel like the tea he’d been planning to get. He just tucks it into his pocket and follows Nagisa to the roof where he spends the whole lunch avoiding Haru’s eyes.

Makoto supposes tonight could work.

It’s an on-Saturday so they have a half-day of school. They begin their club activities almost straight after lunch, and Gou and Rei organise with the track team to let them share the field so they don’t have to worry about running on icy roads. Makoto thinks Nagisa could almost have forgotten about their talk but every now and then he throws Makoto a look, when he stands too near or stares too long at Haru, that makes Makoto want to run as far away as possible.

If Haru notices any change in Makoto’s personality today he doesn’t let it show.

Makoto makes a point not to let his eyes wander towards Haru while they’re stretching. But Haru is so close, body doubled over wrapping his hands around his ankles to stretch his hamstrings, Makoto has to keep reminding himself he shouldn’t be staring each time he realises his eyes are glued on Haru’s ass.

After practice the four of them walk to the train station, Nagisa loudly regaling them with a story of some prominent historical figure, Yoshida Shoin, apparently inspired by the announcement of an upcoming drama based on his sister. Makoto isn’t really listening, thinking about Haru instead.

It’s a beautiful evening, the sun is setting early, bathing the sky in beautiful golden colours, hardly dampened by encroaching clouds. There’s a light breeze which makes the chill a bit more noticeable, and Haru looks adorable wrapped in the scarf Makoto made him wear.

Makoto could make this work. He and Haru can walk home, huddled close together to keep warm and under the streetlight outside Makoto’s house he could tell Haru how he feels. Maybe it’d even snow. What a picturesque scene that would be!

They reach the station and Nagisa waves Haru and Makoto away quickly, despite their train still being more than ten minutes away.

“It’s fine, it’s too cold to stand around, you guys go get warm.”

“What about you?” Makoto says, thinking about the two boys standing on the platform alone. Nagisa gives him a pointed look.

“We’ll be fine, I’ll just climb inside Rei’s jacket and we can share body heat.” He wraps himself around Rei’s arm and laughs at the blush that covers the other’s face. “We’ll see you tomorrow,” he continues over the sound of Rei spluttering.

“Bye,” Haru says turning away. Makoto sees Nagisa give him two big thumbs up and quickly turns to follow.

So now they’re alone. They do in fact walk quite close together. The wind picks up and in the darkening sky Makoto can see storm clouds blowing in. Haru pulls the scarf up to his nose and Makoto wishes he could take his hand.

“Mum and dad are planning to go out to dinner tomorrow night instead, since I can’t take care of the twins on Wednesday. Do you wanna come over to babysit?”

“Can we play Animal Crossing?”

“Do we ever not?”

Haru smiles, watching his feet.

“Alright then.”

Makoto beams at him, but Haru doesn’t look up. Haru is obsessed with that game and, though Makoto isn’t sure how a one-player game can count as them both playing, he loves it when Haru brings it over.

“We have to play Mario Kart too, though. The twins have been waiting to verse you for weeks.”

“Only if I can be Wendy.”

“You’re the only one who wants to be Wendy.”

“Well that’s fine then.”

Makoto chuckles, thinking about Haru’s attraction to the weirdest things; his endless Iwatobi-chan memorabilia, his hideous ‘northern stoplight loosejaw-kun’ pyjama shirt, his desire to only play as the Koopalings in Mario Kart…

Makoto supposes it’s just another reason why he loves him.

They continue walking, and neither feels the need to fill the silence. It’s nice walking close together like this, hands brushing together occasionally as they keep close. Makoto imagines he could confess like this. Look Haru in the eye and tell him he loves him. He doesn’t have time to come up with a speech, maybe he can wing one. Or maybe it’s better to just say the words, I love you.

By the time they get home night has fallen, even though it’s barely five o’clock. They stop at the bottom of the stairs to Makoto’s house. Haru is staring at the sky, and Makoto is staring at Haru. Haru is smiling slightly.

“What is it?” Makoto asks him. Haru tilts his head to look at him. His nose is pink from the cold and his eyes are dark, face shadowed as he stands in the halo of the streetlight.

“Snow,” Haru says. Makoto looks up with him and sure enough a light flurry of snow is beginning to fall, fluttering magically above their heads.

He can’t believe it. Maybe perfect moments do just come. Haru looks so content, and Makoto feels so brave. He can do it now.

“Haru-chan.” There’s a few snowflakes beginning to land in his dark hair and Makoto reaches out to dust them away. Haru looks up at him under his ruffled hair. “I-”

“Onii-chan!”

And moment gone.

Makoto spins around to see Ran running down the steps towards him.

“No running!” he calls instinctively. As if on cue Ran loses her balance and nearly slips, catching herself at the last moment. Makoto’s heart nearly stops. “Ran!”

She continues, more carefully down the steps and joins the two boys at the bottom.

“Ran, you know better than to run down the stairs. Plus it’s winter they’re icy!”

“It’s fine! Look!” She points excitedly toward her open mouth and Makoto notices a gap in her bottom teeth.

“You lost a tooth!”

“Uh-huh!” She sounds so proud, chest puffed out and teeth bared in a wide grin. “Haru-onii-chan! You look too!”

Haru bends down to peer intently into Ran’s mouth.

“Did it hurt?” He asks her gently.

“Nope!”

“Wow, you’re brave. Makoto cried every time he lost a tooth.” Makoto rolls his eyes as Haru throws a small smirk his way.

“Yeah, but I’m way tougher than he is,” Ran says.

“Obviously”

“Hey, now,” Makoto chuckles. He can’t lie, he’s a little disappointed. He really got himself psyched up to confess. But he can’t begrudge his little sister this moment. Haru is smiling at Ran dotingly as she tells him the story of the last tooth she lost and how she also didn’t cry then. Missing out on confessing is worth this at least.

“Don’t forget to throw your tooth on the roof okay?”

“Yeah! Dad said we can do it when it’s light tomorrow.”

Makoto smiles and holds his hand out.

“Okay Ran let’s go inside and let Haru get home.”

“Can’t Haru-chan come for dinner,” Ran groans. Haru stands, turning his smile to Makoto.

The two share a moment of silence before Makoto tugs gently on Ran’s hand.

“Nah, Haru-chan has things to do. But he’s coming over tomorrow for mum and dad’s date night.”

“Yes!” Ran pumps her fist. “Bye Haru-chan!”

Haru waves to her as Makoto leads her up the stairs. Makoto catches his eye and they both hold up a hand in farewell. Makoto sighs and turns away. Yeah…well today wasn’t right anyway.

A thought hits him as he’s helping Ren into his pyjamas later that night. Haru is coming over tomorrow for his parent’s date night. If he starts planning now…

*

It’s December 21 and Nagisa is not impressed. Since school is off today the team has made plans to meet up at Samezuka’s indoor swimming pool. Haru barely gave Rin and his team a cursory greeting before he was in the heated pool.

“A thanks would be nice,” Rin had said as Haru snubbed him in favour of the water. “Most schools wouldn’t let outsiders use their facilities like this.” Makoto chuckled.

“Consider him letting us use his house for our Christmas Eve party his thanks.”

“Oh, gee, my hero.” Rin had rolled his eyes.

Now Rin and Haru are swimming laps in their unique ‘this isn’t a race but I still want to beat you’ way while Makoto, Nagisa and Rei join a few Samezuka team members in stretching. Gou stands by the pool next to the Samezuka captain, Mikoshiba, watching Haru and her brother. Whatever she says to him must be funny because Makoto can hear his booming laughter echoing across the large room.

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell him,” Nagisa whines, flat on his back, legs twisted to one side. Rei sits up to stretch his legs.

“Tell who what?”

“Makoto was going to confess last night!”

“Nagisa, shh!”

One of the boys on the Samezuka team, Nitori, looks over in astonishment at Nagisa’s cry. Nagisa sits up and waves the other boy away.

“Don’t eavesdrop!”

“A-ah! Sorry I…I mean…well you were yelling so…”Nitori stutters.

“Then I’ll whisper. Go back to your stretches, Ai-chan!”

“Please don’t call me that,” he mumbles, moving away slightly.

“Was this the night you planned?” Rei asks quietly.

“Sort of…”

“So what happened?”

“My little sister lost a tooth.”

“Oh my gosh, how?”

“It came out in an apple.”

Rei looks confused.

“Violently?”

“No, just normally.” Makoto shrugs. Rei looks even more confused.

“Is losing a tooth cause in your family for cancelling events?”

“What are you talking about?” Nagisa looks baffled now.

“No!” Makoto realises what he means. “Oh, no I was outside my house and she ran out to show me the gap and, you know, interrupted.”

“Oh. That makes sense.” Rei nods and Makoto chuckles lightly assuming Rei must have pictured Makoto out with Haru on a date somewhere and rushing home upon hearing the news to comfort his baby sister and her lost tooth.

“Argh! But this sucks, when are you gonna confess now, Mako-chan?” Nagisa rolls onto his back again.

“I was thinking tonight. He’s coming over to help me babysit the twins. I thought after they go to bed I could talk to him.”

“Yes!” Nagisa lifts his legs into the air in some sort of victory pose. “And then on Monday you can come tell us the sordid details of your night following!”

“Sordid details?” Makoto asks, shocked.

“Come on, you and Haru, no parents, same bedroom…same bed?”

“Nagisa!” Rei chastises. “Ignore him, Makoto-senpai. Good luck tonight I hope it goes better this time.”

“Thanks.” Makoto feels more nervous now he’s told Nagisa and Rei. It makes it more real. They finish their stretches and Gou talks them through some ideas for a simple practice, since they haven’t swum in a few weeks and shouldn’t take it too hard.

When Makoto finally gets in the pool there is no relief. Even on his back, face clear to breathe and roof stretching above him, he feels the grip of the water. He’s nervous, and not the good kind he gets during races. Tonight better be perfect this time. He planned.

*

After their joint practice the Iwatobi team grab a small lunch. They stop at a café near Samezuka and Nagisa spends the first few minutes there snapping pictures of everyone with their food and sending them to Rin with teasing little notes, haranguing him for not joining them.

“So,” Gou says as they eat, “has everyone gotten their presents for the party?”

Rei and Nagisa affirm and Haru gives Makoto a quick glance. He nods subtly.

Makoto got both his own and Haru’s gifts for Wednesday, knowing Haru was unlikely to know what to get or even bother to get something. He ended up just buying chocolates from both of them. It wasn’t much but he bought some matching blue and green gift boxes and arranged the sweets inside himself, along with some unexpected glitter and origami from the twins.

“What time did you want to get to Haruka-senpai’s house? I know we said seven for dinner, but did you guys want to get there earlier to hang out for a bit? We could do the gift exchange earlier?”

“Are you trying to force this earlier so you can go to a different party, Gou-chan?” Nagisa raises an eyebrow and offers her a coy smile.

“It’s Kou! And of course not. I mean…there might be another party but I’m not going to run out on you guys, you’re my friends too. I just thought if there was time…”

“Sacrilege,” Nagisa gasps, holding a hand to his heart.

“It’s ok, Gou, you can go to your other party as well,” Makoto says, finishing off his cream bun and licking his fingers.

“I see, you want to sneak off too!” Nagisa accuses. Makoto notices Haru is staring at him and he hastens to explain.

“I don’t have another party to sneak off to, I’m just saying Kou can go to her party it’s not like she’s not coming to ours, right?”

“Right!” Gou says.

“Whatever,” Nagisa says, draping himself over his chair. “Abandon us, Gou-chan. Leave us to die.”

“Stop overreacting.” Rei jabs at Nagisa with a fork, though he dodges, and then moves the conversation on. “Kou-san, were you heading back to Iwatobi after this or are you going to wait for Rin-san?”

“I’m gonna stay here. Rin got permission to leave school early, so he’s coming home tonight for a Christmas dinner and staying for the holidays so I’ll ride the train with him.”

“Oh, yes, party at the Matsuoka’s!” Nagisa bounces in his seat.

“I’m pretty sure it’s a family event, Nagisa,” Rei says.

“I am family. Rin’s mum loves me!”

“My mum met you once when we were kids,” Gou reminds him.

“Yeah,” he agrees. “And she loved me.”

Makoto notices that Haru hadn’t stopped looking at him after he explained himself before. He is only glancing out of the corner of his eye but Makoto notices anyway. He turns to Haru questioningly, but once he catches his eye Haru quickly looks away.

Hm, weird.

Makoto isn’t sure of the reason behind that but he lets it drop anyway.

After lunch they bid farewell to Gou who heads back towards Samezuka, and walk to the train station.

“Weather report says they’re expecting heavy snowfall the next few days,” Rei says conversationally, while they wait on the platform.

“White Christmas!” Nagisa shouts, throwing his arms up. “Yes!”

The train is mostly empty when it arrives so they can get seats. They sit in a line along the window, Haru on Makoto’s right and Nagisa and Rei on his left. They chat for a little while but fall mostly silent, letting the train rock them gently, lulling them with the sound of the wind whooshing past.

About halfway home Haru falls asleep against Haru’s shoulder. Makoto smiles down at him. He probably tired himself out in the pool today racing Rin. It was nice to be back in the water after a while, hopefully this little respite will stop Haru from spending too long in the bath tonight. Makoto will have to make sure he at least washes properly instead of soaking in his jammers.

“Look at the love birds,” Nagisa coos.

“Says you,” Makoto mumbles back, since Rei and Nagisa are also leaning into each other quite closely. Makoto wonders if he’s just as blatant as they are in his affections to Haru. He knows he isn’t subtle, and he’s sure Haru knows his feelings, so he hopes he doesn’t act quite as oblivious as they do.

“W-what we’re not-” Rei stutters and moves away from Nagisa, but Nagisa just leans further into him throwing his arms around his neck.

“Jealous, Mako-chan?” Nagisa is obviously only teasing Rei, whose face is bright red and glasses crooked. Rei tries to lean back and Nagisa ends up falling into his lap, kicking Makoto in the shin in the process.

“Ow,” Makoto laughs.

“Nagisa-kun!” Rei scolds, trying to pull Nagisa out of his lap who seems to have taken a liking to lying there.

“Stop making a ruckus,” comes Haru’s voice from Makoto’s right. Makoto jumps in surprise.

“You’re awake.”

“It was loud,” he says quietly.

“Sorry, Haruka-senpai.”

“Sorry,” Nagisa lilts. He sits back up. Now that Haru is awake the topic of love isn’t brought up again.

They make quiet conversation until Haru and Makoto’s station, and the two of them hop off, leaving Rei and Nagisa on the train. They wave as the train pulls away, and Makoto’s heart goes out to Rei having to spend another hour on the train alone with Nagisa.

They try to keep a brisk pace walking home. Closer to the ocean it’s colder, with crisp salty breezes blowing in, whipping flurries of snow through the air. The sun is setting earlier and earlier these days, and it’s nearly dark already, made worse by the heavy clouds hanging low in the sky.

Makoto doesn’t envy his parents going out to dinner tonight. He’s been in worse weather himself, it’s barely snowing yet, but he thinks about the warm blankets and video games waiting for him at home and can’t imagine wanting to go back outside again. He’s grateful when he finally sees the stairs leading to his house, and his instinct is to grab Haru’s hand and drag him up the steps with him so they can get inside faster.  

Makoto doesn’t need to announce himself when they arrive home; it seems the twins had been waiting for them.

“Haru-chan!”

“Onii-chan!”

Two small forms crash into their legs and Makoto drops Haru’s hand. Ren wraps his arms around Makoto’s waist and Ran pulls on Haru’s coat until he complies, bending down to lift her up.

“Yes, you’re finally home!” She begins playing with his collar, brushing off snow. “Tell Ren I’m better than him at Mario Kart, he says I’m lying but there’s proof. I mean I always win.”

“You don’t always win!” Ren says, and Makoto also lifts him up. “Onii-chan, make her stop being mean.”

“It’s not mean, it’s the truth!”

“Nuh-uh!”

“Guys calm down.” Makoto soothes as they toe off their shoes and carry the kids into the house.

“You can see who’s better when we play Mario Kart tonight,” Haru suggests.

“It’s going to be me.”

“No, me!”

“Have you completely counted Haru-chan and I out of the competition?” Makoto laughs.

“Well I’m better than you, too, onii-chan,” Ren says.

“Ouch.”

Makoto finds his parents in the kitchen finishing off dinner for them to reheat tonight.

“We’re not late are we?” Makoto asks, hoisting Ren higher in his arms as he tries to hang over his shoulder to talk to Haru.

“Oh, no,” his mother says with a fond smile. “They were just too excited so they decided to wait by the door.”

Without warning Haru heaps Ran onto Makoto’s back before walking around the kitchen counter to help. Makoto nearly falls over but manages to keep both the twins up.

“You guys are gonna be too heavy to carry soon,” Makoto says, to outraged cries from Ren and Ran.

“You didn’t need to cook anything now,” Haru says, offering to take the frying pan of rice from Makoto’s father. “I could do it later.”

“Don’t be silly,” dad replies, ushering Haru away before he can take the pan. “We can’t ask you to watch the kids and make dinner. It’s the least we can do.”

“It’s not much, just a few things that you can throw in the microwave when you want it,” mum says. “There’s some dumplings in the freezer that can be steamed and I put some mackerel in the fridge. It’s cooked so you can eat it how you like.”

“That’s really kind of you.” Haru lights up at the sound of mackerel.

“I really have to put you down now,” Makoto says bending down to let Ran climb off his back. They make sounds of protest, clinging to his shirt. “I’m going to fall over!”

Haru comes back around the counter, and Makoto sighs thankfully as he reaches down towards Ran.

Then Makoto feels a small push and finds himself falling sideways. He crashes into the ground with a yell and both the twins land on top of him painfully, laughing loudly.

Haru stands up, looking away but Makoto can see the smirk on his face.

“Sorry.”

“Yeah,” Makoto says from the floor. “I’m sure you are.”

His parents laugh while the twins clamber off him and begin to pull on Haru’s hands coaxing him toward the stairs.

“Come on, Haru-onii-chan! Let’s start playing now!”

“I want to play Animal Crossing.”

“No! That’s so boring all you do is sit there. Play with us!”

Makoto watches them drag Haru away, before climbing to his feet.

“Sounds like you have a fun night planned,” mum says holding a plate out for dad to scoop fried rice onto.

“And you don’t?” Makoto leans against the bench, watching. He’s learnt the hard way he’s better off staying out of the kitchen.

“Well we don’t have any video games on our agenda. Romantic dinner, moonlit walk near the beach, maybe some kissing or hand holding if we’re feeling adventurous.”

“Sounds boring.”

“Very.”

“Really,” dad says, “why are we even going, we should stay home and play Mario Kart too.”

“You’re terrible at Mario Kart,” mum reminds him. “The twins would thrash you.”

“Besides, dad, it’s only four-player. I’m not letting you take my turn.”

“Fine, fine.” Dad heaves a sigh. “I guess we’ll go on our stupid date.”

“Sorry you can’t go on Christmas Eve.”

“It’s fine, sweetie, it’ll be too crowded then anyway. And with younger, more fun couples than us. I don’t want to feel old at Christmas.”

 “I’m eighteen.”

“I had you young.”

“Keep telling yourself that.”

“Oh, go play your games.” Mum waves Makoto away with a playful scowl, dad laughing behind her.

Makoto leaves to go find Haru and the twins. They’re already set up in his bedroom. Haru has taken off his coat and sits on the floor in front of the bed with his DS out, Ren and Ran lying on the bed, Makoto’s blanket draped across them looking over his shoulder.

“I like that one, he looks cute.” Ran points at something on the screen. “Can you date him?”

“It’s not a dating sim,” Haru replies.

“What about that one, can you date him?”

Haru doesn’t reply, and Makoto laughs quietly.

“How do you fish when you’re underwater?” Ren asks, brow furrowed.

“Magic,” Haru says curtly.

“Wow,” the twins say in unison.

Makoto shrugs off his winter coat and hangs it on the back of his door, and joins the kids on the bed. He can see on the DS screen, Haru is playing his Animal Crossing: Deep Sea. He’s currently attempting to catch a large fish in the river, the shadow nibbling occasionally at his lure.

Just as the fish grabs the bait Ren says loudly, “How do you know when to catch it?” And Haru jumps slightly in surprise.

The fish swims away.

There’s a moments silence.

“Who wants to watch anime?” Makoto says loudly.

“Furankurin!” Ren shouts excitedly.

“Tsuki no Kuma!” Ran counters. They immediately begin to argue over the pros and cons of their respective anime choices. Haru sits quietly, still playing his game.

“How about a movie?” Makoto suggests, bending down in front of his meagre collection.

He only has a few cartoons, though he knows there’s a more extensive collection in the twins’ room. He has the newest Hosoda film, and a few Ghibli productions, but mostly there are live-action comedies or dramas that he’d gotten attached to. Plus this god-awful foreign film that Nagisa bought him for his birthday the year before – he claimed it was the best movie ever made but Makoto had a sneaking suspicion he was lying just so Makoto would suffer through it.

“Majo no Takkyuubin!” Ran says immediately.

“Kurenai no Buta” Ren counters this time.

“If it’s going to be Ghibli, it has to be Gake no Ue no Ponyo,” Haru pipes up from behind his DS. The twins shout ‘Ponyo!’ in unison.

Trust Haru to pick the one about the fish.

Makoto has to go to the twins’ room to find the Ponyo DVD, and go fetch the DVD player from downstairs, and when he comes back Haru’s abandoned his DS and he and the twins are comfortably waiting. Haru’s fetched a blanket for himself and it’s wrapped around his shoulders.

“It’s okay,” Makoto says, setting about hooking up the DVD player to his TV, “I don’t need any help.”

“Lucky, I’m really comfortable,” Haru replies.

“Me too,” Ran says, making a show of snuggling into the pillows propping her up.

“If you’d asked I would’ve helped but since you said you’re fine…” Ren also snuggles into the pillows.

“Oh, please, like any of you know how this even works,” Makoto retorts, and none of them make any movement to defend themselves. He just shakes his head at them, trying not to smile.  

He finishes connecting cables and inserts the DVD before joining Haru on the floor. Haru holds the blanket out to him and he gratefully wraps it around himself. He sits close enough that their legs are touching. He doesn’t really think about it, they always sit that close; but Makoto imagines for a moment what it’d be like if he could wrap his arm around Haru and let him curl into his chest.

His stomach tightens and he enjoys that image enough that he forgets to hit play until Ran smacks him on the back of the head. Haru glances at him but makes no sign that he questions his long pause.

The film starts, and Haru immediately relaxes back into the bed as the image of the ocean pans across the screen.

The twins make a ruckus when Ponyo comes on screen.

“Ponyo loves Sousuke!” Ran shouts.

They make a lot of noise throughout the opening scenes with Ponyo heading for the surface, but once the plot moves on to Sousuke on land they quieten down a bit.

Around halfway through the film Makoto’s parents come in to let them know they’re heading out.

“Have a nice night,” Makoto says happily. “Stay warm.”

“Ran loves parents!” Ran shouts. They both laugh as they close Makoto’s door behind them.

They continue watching the movie with Ren and Ran yelling excitedly, and at one point near the end Haru sighs heavily leaning into Makoto slightly.

“I wish I was a fish,” Makoto hears Haru murmur.

He leans closer to Haru.

“You said that out loud.”

“Shut up.”

Makoto snickers, and neither he nor Haru move away from each other for the rest of the film.

As the credits roll the twins sing along with the song, Ren cheering for Ponyo and Sousuke’s love and Ran pretending to cry into the back of Haru’s head.

“They’re so perfect for each other!” she wails.

“Can we watch another one?” Ren asks, rolling off Makoto’s bed and onto the floor. “I’ll go get all my movies.”

He runs out of the room.

“I’ll help!” Ran hurries after him.

Makoto and Haru are still curled up on the floor beside the bed staring at the blank screen. Makoto doesn’t want to move lest he spoil this moment.

“If we’re watching another movie it has to be Gesshin-ko.”

“You’re so bossy, Haru-chan.”

“Drop the -chan…”

Haru is so warm against his side, and Makoto can feel his soft hair against his cheek. He turns his head and buries his face in it. Haru hums softly, tilting his head towards him.

Makoto wants to tell him.

I love you. It isn’t hard to say, he feels as if he could just say it now. Maybe he had plans to say it after the twins had gone to bed but if it felt right then shouldn’t he say it?

“Hey, Haru?”

“Hmm…”

And of course the twins chose that moment to return.

Ran bursts through the door with what appears to be their entire DVD collection in her arms, Ren bringing up the rear with two more DVDs in his hands. Makoto supposes he shouldn’t be surprised that they swapped roles.

Ran tips the pile onto Makoto’s bed and the cases slide in all directions, including into Makoto and Haru’s heads. The pull away from each other and set the wayward DVDs back onto the bed.

After much arguing over titles the twins settle on Tanken no Tora, a film about a little girl and her pet tiger going on an adventure across the world. Haru nods off a couple times against Makoto’s shoulder and he has to keep jostling him to make sure he stays awake for dinner and video games. 

Haru decides to heat up dinner afterwards, and they share a small meal of fried rice and dumplings. Makoto insists all the mackerel go to Haru, partly because he doesn’t think he can stand more mackerel for a while, and also because of the way Haru’s eyes shine even as he offers a half-hearted refusal.

If there were any questions of their plans for after dinner they are quickly answered because the moment the twins place their chopsticks down they are shouting.

“Mario Kart!”

“I’m gonna kick your butts!”

“Not if I kick yours first, you’ll be eating my dust!”

They run upstairs while Makoto and Haru take the dishes to the kitchen. The stand side by side in a moment of domesticity Makoto enjoys, rinsing plates so they can put them in the dishwasher.

“It’s almost like we’re married,” Makoto jokes.

“Which one of us is the wife?”

“Hmm, well since neither of us cooked dinner I guess we’re both the husband.”

“Does that mean because you’re normally hopeless in the kitchen that I’m the wife?”

“Well,” Makoto laughs. “Last time we played house with the twins you were the husband.”

“And you were the baby.”

“Oh, yeah.”

“Want me to baby you?”

“No.”

Haru lifts up a spoon he is meant to be rinsing and holds it out to Makoto.

“Here comes the aeroplane.”

“Haru-chan!” Makoto laughs, pushing the spoon away. Haru smirks and tosses the spoon into the dishwasher. “So motherly, Haru, the perfect wife.”

“Or grouchy grandfather.”

Makoto snickers.

After loading the dishwasher the boys head upstairs to join the twins for Mario Kart. There’s a bit of ruckus over hooking up the Wii U and settling down under thick blankets to play, but soon everyone’s picked their characters and they go for a cup.

Haru wins the first cup they choose, Ran the second, and Ren the third. If Makoto thought he might round it off by winning the fourth he is sorely mistaken. It makes him feel a bit better, though, knowing that none of the four of them won that cup, it instead going to a CPU Donkey Kong.

After an hour and a half of gaming Makoto decides he’s in need of a break, so he decides now is as good a time as any to get the twins into their bath.

His suggestion is met with much disapproval, but once Makoto puts his foot down they relent.

“Haru-chan, come join us!” Ren and Ran tug on Haru’s shirt, coaxing him toward the bathroom. He perks up slightly at the sound of a bath and Makoto quickly quashes that suggestion.

“No, no.” He extricates Haru’s shirt from their little grips. “Haru-chan isn’t allowed to have a bath right now because then you won’t see him again for the rest of the night. Don’t you want to play more games after?”

“Yes,” they both say, giggling at Haru’s injured expression.

“I can have a short bath.”

“What does that sentence even mean to you?”

Haru just guiltily looks away.

“We won’t be long,” Makoto says, ushering the twins away. “Play Animal Crossing.”

“Don’t wanna,” Haru mumbles, but before Makoto’s closed the door he sees Haru reaching for his DS.

Bathing with the twins is always an entertaining event, not to be taken on under the influence of alcohol or medication – much like operating heavy machinery. There’s running, splashes, pushing, screaming, and finally wonderful silence as they finish scrubbing and climb into the bath, soaking in the hot water.

Makoto thinks about Haru, as though he ever does anything else. He’d have to talk to the twins after the bath. He goes over his speech in his head again. He stayed up late last night coming up with it in his head while lying in bed.

Haru-chan…I’ve known you my whole life and I think I’ve also loved you my whole life. You’re my best friend and the most important person to me…and I think it’s probably obvious how I feel since I am not very good at hiding it – but I needed to say it out loud; to make sure that you know I care; to say it even when it’s unnecessary. This isn’t a confession, I don’t expect a response. It’s just me finally saying it out loud. I really, really love you.

“Onii-chan, I think Ren’s falling asleep,” Ran murmurs to him, gliding a bit closer.

“’m not…” Ren slurs, head nodding slightly.

“Ah, alright time to get out.”

He helps the twins out of the bath and dries them off, ruffling their hair with towels.

“Make sure you dry your hair properly or you’ll catch a cold.”

“Yes!” They chorus.

Makoto gets them rugged up in their pyjamas, gently towelling Ran’s long hair to make sure it’s dry enough for now.

“Hey guys?” Makoto asks as Ren sits on the end of his bed kicking his feet watching Makoto’s hands work through Ran’s hair.

“Yeah?”

“Can you do me a favour? I want to talk to Haru-chan privately. I’d like to do it before it gets too late tonight, so do you reckon when I say it’s bed time you guys don’t put up a fight?”

“What no way,” Ran moans from beneath the towel. “I don’t wanna go to bed yet.”

“Neither!”

“Guys, please, I really need to talk to Haru. Please be good kids just for tonight?”

Ren and Ran exchange glances.

“Fine,” Ren says with a sniff. “But one condition.”

“What’s that…” Makoto is a bit worried.

“More Mario Kart first!”

Makoto heaves a sigh. He thought they were going to ask him something really awful. He guesses they can sense how earnest he is in his request that they don’t want to be too mean. He laughs and ruffles Ren’s hair causing him to laugh too.

“That I can arrange.”

Makoto gets the twins to brush their teeth, and when they get back to Makoto’s room Haru is on his side, curled around his DS on the bed, face half buried in one of Makoto’s pillows.  The twins both dive on top of him, yelling and he cries out in pain, dropping his DS.

“Hey!” Makoto yells running over as well. “Jeez, guys, are you trying to kill Haru-chan?”

They both laugh and Haru hides his whole face in the pillow, probably to conceal how much it hurt.

“Come on, now.” He drags them off.

“Tch, stingy,” Ran says, pouting.

“Sorry, Haru-chan,” Makoto says holding out a hand to help him up. Haru peeks at him with one eye before allowing Makoto to help him up.

“It’s fine.” He winces slightly.

“Do you wanna play another match before bed?” Makoto asks him.

“I guess.”

“You want to keep playing Animal Crossing don’t you?”

“Tch.”

“Ren, Ran, can you put up with just me for this round?”

The both boo and jeer but acquiesce in the end. Haru fetches his DS from the floor and lies across the bed behind the other three while they play. He initially has his back to the screen and he’s close enough that he’s pressed against Makoto, so he notices when Haru rolls over to face the TV.

A couple times out of the corner of his eye Makoto notices Haru lowering his game to watch their races, and in the end Haru sits up to watch properly. Without saying anything Makoto offers him the last controller. Haru glares at it for a moment before taking it silently.

The twins cheer when Makoto returns them to the home screen so Haru can join.

Before Makoto realises it’s nearly ten o’clock at night. His parents will probably be home soon. The twins aren’t quite as lively anymore, both hunched over more noticeably than before, heads lolling slightly.

Makoto allows them to finish the race they’re on before announcing bed time.

Instinctively they both moan in protest, but when Makoto offers them a pleading look they quietly allow him to escort them to bed.

“You want a shower, Haru?” Makoto asks as the twins file out of the room.

“Mnn…” Haru is sprawled on the bed, looking as relaxed as one can be – or as relaxed as Haru can be when not in water.

“Do you wanna at least change clothes? You can borrow a shirt if you want.”

“Mhmmm…”

“You know where they are,” he chuckles.

Makoto follows the twins to their room. They quietly climb into bed and Makoto comes to make sure they’re fully covered with their winter blankets.

“Onii-chan?” Ren murmurs, voice heavy with sleep.

“Yeah?”

“Is Haru-chan in trouble?”

“What?”

“You need to talk to him. That’s what mum always says when she’s mad at dad.”

Makoto chuckles.

“No he isn’t in trouble. It’s a good talk, don’t worry.”

“What’s it about?” Ran asks.

“It’s a secret, but I promise I’ll tell you. I have to tell Haru first though, ok?”

“Yeah.”

“Ok…”

“Thanks guys, I’ll buy you nikuman next time we’re out ok?”

“Yes!”

Makoto closes the door and walks back to his room. He pauses outside his own door. This is it. The closest thing to the perfect moment he’d intended to plan twenty odd days ago. He will walk inside, Haru will probably be playing Animal Crossing, and he’ll call out his name. Maybe join him on the bed. Or would it be better standing?

No, sitting is best. Maybe he should take Haru’s hand?

Argh! How is this planned at all? I’m rubbish at this.

Alright, he will just walk in and say it. No hesitation.

Makoto takes a deep breath, stomach in knots and heart in his throat, and pushes open the door.

“Haru-chan,” he says, before he’s even closed the door behind him. “I love you.”

Makoto looks down at the bed where Haru is lying. He’s changed into one of Makoto’s shirts, and is practically swimming in it – and, fittingly, it appears the only other thing he’s wearing is his jammers. There’s a short moment where Makoto thinks he should be wearing more, it’s cold after all and he doesn’t want Haru catching the flu.

And then he realises Haru is asleep.

Yes, fast asleep it seems.

He’s curled into Makoto’s pillow, diagonally across the bed as though he just fell there after changing. His old clothes are even still on the floor. He probably hadn’t intended to fall asleep, yet here he is, shoulders moving slowly with each deep breath, face relaxed and mouth open slightly.

Makoto sighs for what feels like the hundredth time in the last few days.

“Idiot,” he mutters. He gently tugs the blanket on the end of his bed out from under Haru’s legs and pulls it up over his friend. “You’re gonna catch a cold sleeping like that.”

Kneeling beside the bed, he reaches out and smoothes hair away from Haru’s face. He looks so peaceful in sleep. He’s always been calm but there’s something about seeing his face slack and soft with sleep that’s almost…innocent. Nothing at all like the disinterested expression he normally pulls.

Makoto cards his fingers through Haru’s hair.

“I love you,” he whispers.

This is ok, isn’t it? I mean, what was really so great about December 21 anyway.

Maybe…maybe December 22…or 23…or 24.

Makoto stands up to fetch the futon.

Maybe Christmas was a stupid deadline. Maybe all this failure is just the universe’s way of hinting Makoto shouldn’t tell Haru his feelings after all.

“Makoto.”

He freezes at the soft voice from behind him. He turns but Haru’s face is still calm, eyes still closed.

“Haru-chan?”

“Hmmm…” Haru sighs in his sleep. “Makoto.”

Makoto’s heart squeezes.

Shut up universe you don’t know anything.

*

December 23rd finds Makoto standing in front of the mirror talking to himself.

“This is not working,” he says to his reflection. His reflection nods in agreement. “Christmas is only two days away and I have spectacularly failed to tell Haru I love him. Nagisa will probably cry if I don’t do it soon, and frankly so will I!”

He runs his fingers through his hair roughly a few times, pulling at clumps.

“What is wrong with me why can’t I say it? Why is this so hard? Why is nothing working? Why do all these moments get ruined? Is it too much to ask for just five minutes with Haru where nothing goes wrong. No twins, no Nagisa, no stupid adorable cats, or falling asleep. Just a perfect moment. Maybe candle lit? Snow would be nice maybe…”

He can’t imagine how he can plan another perfect moment before Christmas. The next time he can see Haru between now and then is at their Christmas Eve party tomorrow and then they’ll be surrounded by their friends. Not exactly the perfect scenario for confessing your love for someone.

Maybe he should extend his deadline?

“No…if I push it forward then it’s not pressure. I’ll just keep extending the deadline and then I’ll never tell Haru I love him. I have to tell Haru before Christmas or else!”

He nods reassuringly at his reflection.

“Onii-chan?”

Makoto whips around. Ren is standing in the bathroom doorway looking at Makoto quizzically.

“Ren?!” How long was he…?

“Are you and Haru-chan getting married?”

“N-no…” He resigns himself, there’s no way he can come up with a lie that will placate him. “Ah…see the thing is, Ren. I want to tell Haru-chan that I love him. Only I can’t seem to find the right moment. Everything seems to go wrong whenever I try to do it right.”

Ren furrows his brow, tilting his head.

“Onii-chan do you plan out every time you tell me and Ran you love us?”

“Huh? Uh, no I don’t?”

“So why is Haru-chan different?”

“What do you…”

“It doesn’t matter where or when you say it. As long as he knows you love him that’s all that matters, right? I don’t really think I need a reason to tell you I love you. I just do.”

Makoto stares at his little brother and wonders at what point he got smarter than him.

Ren’s right, why was Makoto trying to force a perfect moment when he could just tell Haru anytime? There didn’t need to be any combination of elements to form some level of perfection that only Makoto could recognise. Wasn’t every moment with Haru perfect in its own way?

“Thank you, Ren.”

“What for?”

“You’re a genius and I’m stupid.”

“Cool.”

“I’m just gonna tell Haru-chan I love him. Doesn’t matter when.”

“Can I tell him I love him, too?”

Makoto laughs.

“Of course, but let me go first, ok?”

“’kay.”

“And I love you too, Ren.”

“Same, love you onii-chan.”

Makoto lies on his bed that night, holding his phone. He’s not going to see Haru alone until after the party tomorrow night. He doesn’t think he can wait.

[Haru-chan I love you]

He types out the message on his phone. There’s not that high of a chance Haru will find this message straight away. He’s probably in the bath right now anyway, and Makoto feels the likeliness of Haru checking his phone when he gets out is next to zero.

Despite this Makoto scrunches his eyes and hits send.

His phone beeps once to let him know the message was delivered.

“I did it,” he whispers to himself. “Sort of…”

*

He gets to Haru’s house late on Christmas Eve, despite only living approximately fifty steps away. He and his family have a small celebration at home and the twins open a couple presents. Makoto passes on Christmas cake since he doesn’t want to fill up before the party, but Ren and Ran rope him into watching the new movie they got and their parents give them permission to light a couple fireworks Ran found that morning in a cupboard, long left over from summer. It’s freezing outside but Makoto never realised how beautiful the sparking light of senko hanabi could be reflected against white snow. The whole yard is lit up just from one.

It’s nearly seven when Makoto finally knocks on Haru’s door. He can hear chatter from inside so he knows most if not all their friends are already there.

“That’s probably Makoto-senpai, now,” he hears Gou say as he slides open the door. He’s just toeing his shoes off when Nagisa bounds into him.

“Mako-chan! Meri Kurisumasu!”

“That was awful pronunciation,” Rin voice comes from the living room.

“Shush!”

Makoto begins to walk toward the rest of his friends but Nagisa grabs his arm.

“Mako-chan, Rei and I have a plan,” he whispers.

“What for?”

“To help you confess, of course. We know the perfect moment for you to say it!”

“W-what? No I don’t…I mean I don’t need…”

“Have you already confessed?” His eyes widen.

“Well…not…properly… I sort of sent him a text message saying it.”

Nagisa stares at him vacantly for a few moments.

“Mako-chan, you cannot confess through a text message.”

“Well, I already sent it,” he says defensively. Nagisa’s nostrils flare and Makoto backtracks quickly. “I mean it’s possible he hasn’t gotten it yet, you know how rarely he actually uses his phone.”

“Then I will go find his phone and delete the message!”

“Nagisa don’t. It’s ok if he sees it; I’ll make sure to say it for real though. I promise.”

Nagisa contemplates this, giving him a searching look.

“Look, I just…I have given it some thought and I realised that all this planning wasn’t working. Something like this doesn’t need to be said at the perfect moment, it just needs to be said. Anytime, all the time.”

Nagisa’s shoulder sag.

“That’s true, and really cute. Ok, fine I’ll let the text message slide-”

Like it was up to you, Makoto thinks.

“-but let me and Rei help anyway. It’s gonna be hard to get Haru-chan alone tonight and we have a plan for when you can say it. It’s a good plan – a genius plan really – but it’ll need your courage and full cooperation.”

“What on earth are you planning?”

“Ok, so this was mostly my idea and partly Rei’s idea, though he may tell you otherwise and you should not believe him, ok?”

“Ok,” Makoto laughs.

“So Gou was saying that tonight, after dinner-”

“Why are you guys doing standing in the doorway whispering? You gossiping like old ladies?” Rin is standing on the step above them, an eyebrow raised.

“Rinrin we are having a very serious discussion,” Nagisa whines.

“Yeah well the rest of us are trying to enjoy a nice holiday dinner and we’re missing half out party so get your asses in there and you can compare dick sizes later.”

“Gross.”

“Is dinner ready already?” Makoto asks quickly, hurrying towards the lounge room with Rin on his heels. “I wanted to help Haru cook.”

“Well that was never going to happen,” Gou says from the floor in the living room when Makoto enters. “Haru made us promise we wouldn’t let you in the kitchen all night.”

“What?” Makoto says incredulously. He looks towards the kitchen where Haru is standing, his back to Makoto. “Haru! I know I’m not very good but I can offer assistance.”

“I don’t want my kitchen set on fire tonight, thanks,” comes Haru’s muted response. “Besides you were late so dinners already done.”

Haru begins to carry a few dishes to the table.

“Let me help with this at least.”

“Sit your ass down, Tachibana.” Rin pushes on his shoulder.

Makoto concedes defeat and allows Rin to push him down to the floor, where he folds himself comfortably in front of the table. Rin then helps Haru carry the dishes to the table while Gou pours everyone tea.

“This looks beautiful, Haruka-senpai,” Rei says appreciatively.

Haru has done a great job. It’s not a hugely exciting dinner but he’s artistically decorated all the dishes with Christmas ornaments and ribbons. There’s a roast chicken along with some fried chicken glazed in honey, onigiri, sandwiches, a customary plate of grilled mackerel and a beautiful homemade Christmas cake.

Haru sits on Makoto’s right and looks up at him out of the corner of his eye.

After a moment Makoto smiles, and nods to show there’s no hard feelings. Haru’s shoulders relax so infinitesimally Makoto thinks he might be the only one to notice, and he turns away.

“Itadakimasu!” Nagisa cries, and everyone follows suit before beginning to serve themselves. As expected everything is delicious. Nagisa goes for the cake first, surprising no one, and Makoto intends to save it for last but it simply looks too delicious he ends up cutting himself a slice and substituting every other mouthful with it.

“So,” Gou begins in between bites. “I was saying earlier, before you arrived Makoto-senpai.”

Makoto glances up, pausing mid-chew.

“I’ve gotten into this drama lately.”

“Yeah we know about the drama,” Rin groans. He offers Makoto an exaggerated eye roll. “She never shuts up does she?”

Makoto did know what drama she was referring to; she has been bringing it up every opportunity the last few weeks. He swallows and laughs lightly.

 “And anyway,” Gou continues. “The season finale aired the other night.”

“Thank the gods.”

“And there was this huge drama that breaks up the group of friends. And Akashi, the protagonist, reunites them all in this incredible moment where he gives this amazing speech about all the things about his friends that are most important to him, all the things he’s thankful for. And I got inspired! We should do something like that tonight, about each other. Say a thing about what we love most about our friendships and what we learned this year and what we want from the year to come. Maybe a little personalised message to everyone here!”

“Yes,” Rin says, nodding sagely. “And how many sources do we need and what format do you want the bibliography?”

The table breaks into a short bout of laughter.

“Ha ha,” Gou dead-pans.

“I suggested earlier that maybe instead of something quite that extensive we just say one special thing we want to get off our chests.” Rei looks directly at Makoto as he says this, and Makoto’s eyes widen in realisation. This must have been the plan he and Nagisa cooked up. Did they intend for Makoto to confess to Haru at the table in front of everyone?

“I’ll go first,” Rei continues, setting down his chopsticks. “I haven’t said this out loud yet but I want to thank all of you.  I felt jealous of all of you when I first joined the swim team, but I want you all to know that you have helped me overcome any doubt I had in my swimming, and while I still admire all of you greatly I can finally consider myself on the same level as you. So thank you for making me feel like we’re equals.”

Everyone at the table beams at him, and Rin nudges him playfully with his elbow.

“Oh!” Nagisa says, raising his hand and almost taking Rei’s glasses off in the process. “Me next! I have two things I want to say and sorry to break it to you but neither is quite as beautiful as Rei’s.”

Rei preens slightly, and as Nagisa speaks he calmly stands up, picks up his dinner, and moves around the table to swap places with Rei.

“First of all, I need to admit the uh…incident last month where someone mysteriously dropped a can of paint in the pool was sort of my fault. There’s no need for me to go into details of why I opened a three litre can of paint by the swimming pool, really that’s a story for another time.” He laughs it off, voice a little weaker than usual but that may have to do with the fact that Haru looks about ready to murder him.

Makoto just puts a restraining hand on his shoulder to stop him moving.

“The other thing,” Nagisa’s cheeks go pink which piques the interest of everyone, “is directed at Rin.

Rin perks up, surprised. Nagisa’s laugh becomes a little hysterical.

“I’m pretty sure Rei is the only one who knows this already, but back in elementary school I had a huge crush on you!”

“Really?” Rin says, grin widening.

“Oh my god, why?” Gou says, sounding scandalised. Makoto can’t help the laugh that bursts out.

Rin is now sitting next to Nagisa since he moved away from Haru, and he throws an arm around him, making kissy noises in his face.

“Ah!” Nagisa shrieks with laughter and pushes his face away. “Not anymore!”

There’s a bit of a ruckus as everyone laughs and Nagisa has to roll backwards to get away from Rin, grabbing Rei’s shirt and toppling him over too, spilling his tea. Once they settle down and mop up the mess Rin speaks up.

“Ok, ok I have something.”

Everyone turns their attention to him eagerly.

“So, this may come as a surprise to you guys, but I am somewhat of an emotional person.”

Nagisa barks a laugh.

“What?” Haru slams a palm on the table and Rin snorts. “This is news to me.”

“I have seen the film Anata ga Itta Koto about thirty times. And I still cry. Every time.” He nods to himself looking like he might even tear up at the thought of it.

“I cried at that movie too!” Rei says, looking stricken.

“It’s sad!” Rin agrees.

 “I’ve never heard of it,” Makoto admits.

“It’s amazing, Makoto!” Rin sits up on his knees and leans across the table. “Ok so there’s this girl, Shizuru, and her imaginary friend Rita.”

“Onii-chan can we not explain the whole movie, right now? Just lend him your DVD,” Gou groans.

“Oh you’re allowed to be excited about dumb TV dramas but I can’t be excited about a great film?”

“It’s ok,” Makoto says quickly. “Lend me the DVD if you have it.”

“I obviously have it.”

“Would it be alright if I went next?” Gou asks. “I might as well say what I had planned to say before.”

She reaches into her bag and pulls out a small stack of paper. Makoto can see her cramped handwriting squashed into the lines of the pages.

“Oh no,” Rin says snatching the pages out of her hands. “We are not gonna sit here and listen to your speech, you can e-mail us the PowerPoint presentation later.”

“Onii-chan!”

Haru silently takes the pile from Rin and starts reading it.

“I can make a concise version,” Gou says.

“Why don’t you pick your favourite part?” Makoto suggests.

“Can I read it after you, Haruka-senpai?” Rei asks.

Gou ponders for a moment.

“Ok, so I want to start by saying while we’re at school I am your manager and it’s my job to make sure you’re working to your best potential. I know I can be tough but right now I’m just your friend, so I want you all to know that I really do love you like my family. First of all to Makoto, you are an amazing captain and–”

Rin makes loud snoring noises.

Gou glares at him and everyone laughs while Makoto chides him.

“Kou-san?” Haru says looking at one of the back pages of her speech. “Did you mean to include this part where you rate everyone’s muscles from best to worst with a small sketch of everyone’s torsos?”

“What?” Rin shouts.

Nagisa lunges across Rei to see.

“Show me! What place am I?”

“Did you capture my good side?” Rei asks, also leaning forward.

Gou moans.

“Haruka-senpai, don’t tease me! He’s just messing with you guys I didn’t do any of that.”

“Leave that page at home did you?” Makoto laughs and Gou smacks his arm lightly, smirking.

A rabble overtakes the table, everyone returning to half-abandoned plates of food. They polish off their dinners and most of them move on to the cake for dessert (Nagisa just continues with the cake he never stopped eating to begin with) and Haru and Gou clear away the empty dishes. As they return to their seats Makoto is struck with the sudden realisation that if they continue around the table the way they have been then Makoto would chronologically be next in line to talk. Was he ready to confess his love to Haru? Could he do it in front of everyone?

He had decided yesterday that he didn’t need to wait for some perfect moment as long has Haru knew. Was this not as good a time as any? Nagisa had even paved way for him to say something so personal by admitting his crush on Rin from when they were little. And Makoto was convinced everyone knew he loved Haru already, it would just be admitting it out loud. Surely there was nothing to be afraid of.

Everyone settles down again, Rei now in possession of Gou’s speech and Nagisa leaning into him comfortably under the guise of reading too, but Makoto notices he is staring at him. He must have picked up on Makoto’s tension because he gives him a knowing nod and turns to Haru.

“Haru-chan, why don’t you say something next?”

Haru looks down in contemplation for a moment and Makoto offers what he hopes is an appreciative smile to Nagisa.

Makoto spares a moment to wonder what Haru might say. He has never seemed to mind sharing stories about himself when prompted.

What would Makoto have said in any other situation? If he were not so desperate to say this one thing would he have any other fact to admit? Right now the only thing he can remember about himself is how much he loves Haru, he’s sure nothing has actually ever happened to him in his life.

And next Makoto will have to say it. His stomach feels like it in knots and his heart is racing faster than it does when he swims. He’s going to tell Haru…he’s going to say…

“I’m in love with Makoto.”

Makoto’s heart stops.

Wait...did he…just…

“Oh my god,” Nagisa bursts into laughter.

“Duh, tell us something we don’t know,” Rin says as Gou lets out a little ‘aww’.

Rei and Nagisa exchange amazed glances. They obviously didn’t see this coming.

“Makoto-senpai?” Rei urges.

 “I…I…I…” Makoto can’t make his voice work. There’s a moment’s silence at the table as they all look at Makoto – save for Haru who is hiding his eyes – obviously waiting for his response.

Say it! his brain screams at him but it won’t come out, he’s too stunned. Haru said he loves Makoto.

Haru said he loves Makoto.

“Maybe we should move on in case Mako has an aneurism.” Rin sounds like he’s holding back laughter.

“Why don’t we exchange gifts?” Gou says briskly, standing up. “I bought a bag for us to throw our presents in.” It’s a cute Christmas themed sack, with red and green stripes and a gold seam.

Makoto can do this at least. He pulls his and Haru’s presents out of his bag and tosses them into Gou’s.

Haru said he loves me.

She collects everyone’s and places the bag in the middle of the table.

“Do you want to pick out one by one or I could pass them out?”

“Me!” In lieu of a response Nagisa just dives across the table to reach into the bag and pull out a gift. It’s wrapped in a paper with little reindeer with red noses and a small green bow.

“Oh that’s mine,” Gou says, with a laugh. “I guess we can just pick them out ourselves then.”

Everyone takes turns picking out their gift while Nagisa is already ripping into the paper. He uncovers a set of small pens with various zoo animals on top along with some matching erasers.

“Gou-chan!” he says incredulously. “I love them!”

She giggles in response, opening one of the boxes Makoto got.

“Ooh, chocolates! They look delicious!”

“Ah, that one’s mine, and Rei that’s Haru’s.” Rei was just taking the ribbon off the other box.

Haru said he loves me.

 “It’s wonderful, Makoto-senpai! Is…this supposed to be a bear?” He lifts up one of the paper crafts Ren and Ran had littered the boxes with.

“Um, maybe. It looks a bit like a pig to me?”

“Nice wrapping, Rin,” Haru says holding up a messy parcel covered in brown paper which is held in place by rubber bands.

“How do you know it’s from me?” Rin says opening something wrapped in gaudy purple cellophane which could only be from Nagisa.

“Rinrin! That’s mine! The best gift of them all!” Nagisa collects the rubber bands off Haru’s gift and starts tying his messy hair into sloppy pigtails.

“Rei I don’t want to unwrap this it’s too pretty.” Makoto’s gift is neatly wrapped in a vibrant red tissue paper with a neat gold bow.

“Ha ha ha!” Rei’s proud laugh is his only response.

Haru pulls out what appears to be a children’s colouring book of some strange horse-like mascot. Makoto cringes but Haru look enamoured.

 “These are nice,” is all he says, holding up a set of colouring pencils included. But when Nagisa asks if he can have the book instead Haru refuses, causing Rin to snort.

He said he loves me!

Nagisa takes his animal pens and sticks them into his hair, held in place by the pigtails.

“They’re pens you know, Nagisa-kun,” Gou says, pouting around a chocolate.

“Don’t tell me how to live.” He snatches his erasers away from her as though she was going to take them off him for using them wrong.

Makoto carefully undoes the wrapping on his gift and reveals something even more beautiful. A very small glass tealight lantern decorated with golden cranes.

“Oh my,” he says admiring it. “Rei this is so wonderful!”

“I worked very hard to find the most beautiful present!”

“What the hell is this?” Rin interrupts Rei furiously. He holds up his gift and Nagisa falls backwards laughing. It’s an ornately framed photograph of…Nagisa. He’s posing with his chin resting in one hand smiling sweetly at the camera.

The table bursts into laughter.

It takes a while for them to calm down. They fall back into an easy conversation as they all admire their gifts. Rei and Gou share a few of their chocolates but keep the rest for themselves. Rin keeps trying to give the photo back to Nagisa or palm it off on to Rei who blushes and splutters ‘why would I need that?’ And Haru flips through the pages of the colouring book with wide eyes looking at the odd pictures.

Makoto just keeps thinking over and over, Haru said he loves me.

He needs to say it back, oh my god why hasn’t he said it yet?

He’s been dying to say it and Haru went and beat him to it, and he still hasn’t responded!

“Ah, sorry,” Gou says after a while. “But since it’s still early would you mind if I head off?”

Nagisa boos loudly, but the rest consent and she offers everyone a hug, Haru a thanks for the food and Makoto a thank you for the chocolates before leaving.

Rin gives Makoto a long, searching look which makes him uncomfortable.

“Alright, we might as well go too, hey guys?” Rin says after a beat.

“Huh?” Nagisa groans. “I don’t wanna leave!”

“Ah, maybe it’s best if we go,” Rei agrees. He whispers something to Nagisa and Makoto thinks he overhears his own name.

Oh, they’re trying to subtly leave Haru and Makoto alone. Makoto feels his face heat up.

“That’s right,” Nagisa says in understanding. “Mako-chan don’t you have something you’re supposed to say to Haru-chan?”

“Nagisa-kun!”

“Oi, Nagisa!”

“What is it?” Haru looks at Makoto in surprise.

“N-nothing it’s ok it can wait.”

“Oh, come on Mako-chan! Haru totally confessed his love to you before! Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”

Rin slaps a hand to his forehead in frustration.

“I thought it was pretty obvious,” Haru says, looking confused and draws all eyes to him. He shifts under the gazes. “I just hadn’t said it out loud yet.”

“This is too amazing,” Nagisa hisses, eyes wide with excitement. “Mako-chan he’s just like you!”

“What do you mean?” Haru asks, looking back and forth between Nagisa and Makoto.

“Alright that’s enough from you,” Rin says, grabbing Nagisa by the head and knocking a couple animal pens to the ground. “We’re gonna get going, ok? Thanks for the food Haru, you guys have a nice night.”

He has to drag Nagisa to the door yelling. Makoto and Haru get to their feet to watch.

“I’m sorry if we’ve caused you any trouble. Thank you for everything tonight, Merry Christmas.” Rei bows his way out and suddenly it’s very quiet in Haru’s living room.

They stand there for a long moment in silence, Haru watching Makoto, and Makoto avoiding his gaze.

“What did Nagisa mean? That you’re just like me?”

“Ah,” Makoto laughs awkwardly. “I have been talking to Nagisa a bit lately about…how I never said I loved you. And he was trying to help me, and I was supposed to say it tonight but then you said it instead and…yeah.”

Haru stares at him.

“But…” he says after a while. “You say it all the time.”

“What?” Makoto looks at him finally. Haru is watching at him with his usual blank expression. He’s not joking. “When?”

“You say it sometimes when we’re playing video games or swimming.”

“I don’t…remember…that.”

“You said it the other night when we were babysitting.”

“I thought you were asleep!”

“You sent me a text message yesterday.”

“You got that?”

“You really thought you’d never said it? And here I was feeling mean for never saying it back…I guess we’re both idiots.”

Makoto starts to laugh. And he keeps laughing. He can’t stop.

Haru just watches him silently until he’s done, wiping tears from his eyes and clutching his stomach.

“Oh, I’m so stupid.”

“Yeah,” Haru agrees.

“But so are you.”

“Yeah,” he agrees again.

Makoto reaches up to brush hair away from Haru’s face.

“I’m sorry if I was acting weird lately.”

“I figured it had something to me.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

Haru shrugs.

“It was more fun to tease you.”

“Tease?”

“Like stretching really close to you or pretending to fall asleep on you on the train.”

“That was on purpose?”

“I thought you were teasing me too, licking your fingers at lunch and stuff.”

“I was really just licking my fingers,” Makoto laughs. “You’re awful.”

“So,” Haru says quietly, looking down. “As far as you believe…you’ve still never said it out loud.”

“I guess I haven’t.”

“Then say it now.” Haru turns his head away to hide his face. A grin stretches across Makoto’s face and he wraps his arms around Haru pulling him closer. He buries his face in Haru’s neck hugging him tightly.

“Haru-chan.” His voice is muffled against his sweater. “I love you.”

“Drop the -chan.”

He laughs.

“I love you.”

“You just said that.”

“I love you.”

“…I love you too.”

He squeezes tighter and Haru finally raises his arms to hug him back.

He pulls back to look at Haru’s face. His cheeks are slightly pink, but Makoto imagines so are his.

“Haru, Merry Christmas.”

There’s suddenly a loud banging on the front door.

“Kiss already!” Nagisa shouts. “Are you kissing yet?”

They can hear scuffling, Rin and Rei probably trying to subdue him. Makoto laughs but stops abruptly when Haru leans up and kisses him quickly, very lightly, on the lips.

He immediately hides his face in Makoto’s chest.

Makoto squeezes his lips together at stares at the top of Haru’s head, heart beating wildly.

He pulls his hands away to grab Haru’s chin and force his face up. Haru won’t meet his eye but he leans in anyway and presses his own lips to Haru’s, firmer and longer than before.

Haru makes a small noise before he relaxes into the kiss.

“You better be kissing in there!” Rin’s voice comes this time which makes both Haru and Makoto break away to laugh.

Makoto disentangles himself and walks to the front door, sliding it open causing Rin, Rei and Nagisa to jump back in surprise.

“Makoto-senpai! I tried to stop them!” Rei hastens to apologise.

“You can come back inside if you want, its cold.”

Rin and Nagisa barge their way in, and Rei follows looking afraid.

“Are you sure it’s ok?”

Haru’s in the kitchen making tea for everyone when they get back to the living room.

“Did you guys talk properly?” Rin asks. “Sort your stupid shit out?”

“Yeah,” Makoto says, with a goofy smile.

“Finally,” Nagisa sighs, sitting back down at the table. “Does this mean I can call you guys boyfriends now or do I still have to say ‘just friends.’” He sticks his tongue out like the words taste bad.

“Don’t ask questions like that, Nagisa-kun. Relationships can be complicated.”

“Does this mean you’re gonna be coupley at school, too?”

“Nagisa!”

“You gonna kiss and hold hands?”

“Can we please move on I don’t wanna think about this shit. It’s Christmas, show me mercy.” Rin accepts a cup of tea from Haru as he joins them.

“I don’t think we’re boyfriends,” Haru says sitting down.

“What?” Nagisa says, aghast.

“More like…married.” Haru amends. Makoto hides his face in his arms. How can Haru be so blunt all the time without getting embarrassed?

“That’s an understatement,” Rin says. “Moving on now, yes?”

Thankfully Nagisa finally lets the subject drop, and after a while of idle conversation Makoto feels like he can uncover his face.

The guys end up hanging out for a few hours, chatting about the past year and the year to come. They’re in their last year and soon the weather will warm up and they’ll be focussing on swimming for the inter-high. Makoto has to start thinking about his future soon and what he wants to do after school. But right now he’s content to keep coasting along, especially now that things have evolved between Haru and himself.

It’s nearly midnight when Rei forces Nagisa out the door so they don’t miss their last train. Rin decides it’s a good time for him to leave too, and Makoto forces him to borrow an extra scarf since he’s walking back to his family house. 

Haru and Makoto don their jackets and walk out to stand at the top of the stairs to the shrine, watching their friends walk away.

“I think this is the best Christmas I’ve ever had,” Makoto says.

“I think mine is when we were six and your dad bought you that inflatable swimming pool.”

Makoto laughs.

“Hey Haru?”

“Mm?”

“I love you.”

“Mm…” Haru glances away and Makoto beams at him. “Are you staying?”

“Is that alright?”

“Yeah.”

“Then I’m staying.”

Haru glances up at Makoto. Makoto pulls Haru closer and kisses him. He feels giddy. Haru doesn’t kiss him back, but that’s ok, and when he pulls away Haru immediately hides his face in Makoto jacket again. Makoto squeezes him tightly.

He feels like an incredible weight has been lifted from his shoulders. He finally said it, and what’s more Haru said it back. He hadn’t dared to hope something like that might happen. And then Haru kissed him!

He feels faint. He didn’t expect this to feel like such a happily ever after. He thought he could just say it and that’d be that. But suddenly it got transformed into some big event, and was resolved in the most amazing way possible. He almost thinks the words ‘Christmas miracle’ before he ends that thought with a shake of his head. That’s stupid.

“You’re thinking something dumb aren’t you?” Haru asks pulling away.

“Yeah,” Makoto admits, laughing.

“Idiot.” Haru takes his hand and squeezes lightly.

“Yeah.” He squeezes back and they walk inside.