Work Text:
Q: How did the thesis defense go?
A: Fantastic.
Q: Did you have trouble fighting the snake?
A: You could say that, yes. It ate me.
Q: Was it a very large snake, then?
A: The largest in recorded history. Terrifyingly huge. Nothing less than what the best thesis in history deserved.
Q: That’s not how the process goes. The worse the thesis the bigger the snake, is it not?
A: It is not. In fact if you read my thesis “Snake Fighting in the History of Higher Education: Maintaining the Status Quo” you will understand how the size of the snake depends solely on how threatened by you your adviser feels. Of course a truly bad thesis will still get a big snake; no one wants a coworker who is totally useless. But any adviser will fear for their place in the institution when they tutor an exceptionally talented student, and in the end they are the ones to decide what specimen you face. Job insecurity breeds corruption.
Q: What does the “Status Quo” bit in the title refer to?
A: Even within the traditional understanding of how snake fighting works, the fact that the snake is chosen by a member of the University is a problem. Unconscious bias takes many forms but tends to favour certain people and hinder others. Especially when the environment is as hegemonic as this one. Add to that that your genius will also play against you and it becomes very hard for real change and innovation to enter academia.
Q: If a bad thesis gets a big snake and a great thesis gets a bigger one, which kind gets a small snake?
A: Maths ones. Everyone assumes they’re good, no one but the writer understands them. All get a research position in which they work in peaceful individualist coexistence.
Q: Did you consider editing your thesis to increase your odds of survival?
A: Yes, but ultimately I could not sacrifice my integrity. I would only present the very best I could do.
Q: What do you take from this experience?
A: Recognition of my good work. And also that before the snake came at me it ate the whole committee, including my adviser.
Q: Finally, what would you recommend to someone who is about to present their thesis?
A: Pack some snacks, bring a book, charge your phone. Snakes take their time digesting you.