Archive of Our Own

I knew from the beginning what I was signing up for.  I was never delusional.  I never expected more than I knew I would get.

I knew about his reputation. And it was certainly something he would never stop.  I did my best to not care.

I knew about the flirting.  The not so casual words passed between him and everyone else.  I recognized that it was a part of his time.

I knew about the one night stands.  The hurtful rejection of him choosing the bed of another, instead of mine.

I knew that I could never stand in comparison to his past.  I was not special, or talented.  I was not powerful, or clever.

I knew he had better options than me, options that he sometimes took when he became bored.

I knew that he kept secrets.  He kept secrets of life and death, of the past and future, of Earth and beyond.

I knew his feelings about us.  He didn’t like to tell other people about us.  He was fine with casual flirting with strangers, but he would never acknowledge anything about me.

I knew I didn’t hold his heart.  He had given that to Gwen.

I knew he could never love me like he loved her.

I knew he could never look at me the way he looked at her.

I knew I’d never be as good as her.

I knew I’d never be as attractive as her.

I knew that no matter how hard I tried, he would never think of me like he thinks of her.

I knew that one day, he would forget me.

I knew all of that from the very beginning, and even then I knew that it didn’t matter.

Because even then, I knew that I loved him.

I knew that I loved Jack Harkness, and I always would.