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Énouement (n.) the bittersweetness of having arrived in the future, finally having answers and seeing how things turn out, but not being to tell your past self.
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Changmin was someone who looked forward to the future, having hopes that he wished could be true. Working hard so he could be closer to that ideal world. We all look forward to our dreams being fulfilled, don’t we? We hope and hope, get sad when they don’t, but we get back up on our feet.
Changmin wasn’t someone who dwelled on the past. Why stress yourself on something you can’t change? Changmin has enough to worry about that he doesn’t have enough time to bring back problems that were resolved, even those that were just somehow forgotten.
Changmin was someone who was professional. He’s worked with all sorts of people. Families with overly energetic children, obnoxious debutantes that feel like the world revolves around them, attractive people he wanted to get the numbers of but can’t. No matter what he felt at the moment, he kept it in. He kept his personal feelings away from his work.
They had a job at a big company’s year-end party. He heard that the event would probably have some of the most famous celebrities since the company catered actors. While his hoobae was distracted and awed by all the popular faces he saw, he hardly recognized anyone. He didn’t know if it was because he didn’t watch dramas that often? Or if it was because he didn’t have a tv? Maybe it was because he had no time to indulge in such because he always had to hustle to keep afloat?
“Stay focused,” he said to his hoobae. Minutes after though, he couldn’t keep his own word because he saw a face that couldn’t let him focus.
Kim Sunwoo. The one, the only. He was his sunshine, his happiness, his everything. Was .
They were lovers back in high school. Living in a bliss of their own world. They had to hide their relationship, for a lot of reasons. Back then, it wasn’t really accepted to be a boy and have a boyfriend. At that time, it was weird, disgusting, wrong , and Sunwoo’s parents believed that the most.
To top that, Changmin’s family would have not kept up with Sunwoo’s financially. Changmin only had his mom who was in the hospital and had to work several part-time jobs to pay for his schooling and their bills. He only got some support from her mom’s family to help with the hospital but the rest was all him. He had to maintain his grades for his scholarship and had to work until 2am in the morning then he had to study after that. He had an average of only 3 hours of sleep everyday just to make ends meet.
That’s why he was reluctant at first, when Sunwoo whole heartedly confessed his feelings and asked him to be his boyfriend. Changmin didn’t think he had the time for “love” nor did he think that he deserved it, especially from someone like Sunwoo.
But Sunwoo was persistent. He kept bugging Changmin until he gave up and gave him a chance. One day. Sunwoo would have one day to convince him why he should add to Changmin’s existing problems. Sunwoo was delighted at the chance and swore that he wouldn’t disappoint. They went to the cinema to watch the latest Iron Man movie then went to the arcade where Sunwoo won a giraffe stuffed toy that he gave to Changmin.
Finally they had dinner in a fancy restaurant. When Changmin refused to order anything and asked if they could go to a cheaper restaurant, Sunwoo insisted and said that he shouldn't worry. He ordered the most expensive steak on the menu and told Changmin that it was once in a lifetime so he can’t reject it.
Sunwoo walked Changmin home then said goodbye with a smile. Changmin laid on his small bed, with his new giraffe friend, thinking about his day. He didn’t want to admit it, but he had fun . He somehow felt guilty that he kind of forgot his responsibilities, even just for a few hours.He found it nice, to not think about money for once. He thought, ‘ Maybe I should just let go for once .’ Changmin slept soundly that night, with no worries.
Sunwoo started tagging along Changmin everywhere after that day. He’d ask Changmin about his morning, what he dreamed about, what he ate for breakfast, if he was keeping Min(the giraffe) safe. He’d ask a lot of questions that Changmin would’ve usually thought were annoying, but weirdly enough, he found Sunwoo’s questions comforting.
It felt nice to have someone ask him about his day and be interested in him. He almost had no friends since he had to go to work straight after school. It was great to have company. Sunwoo asked and asked and tagged along everywhere until Changmin himself developed feelings for Sunwoo. The day Changmin told Sunwoo that he thought he liked him, Sunwoo was ecstatic.
But their happiness wasn’t for everyone. They learned to hide it, deny it, even pretend not to know each other just to keep their connection safe. Sunwoo gave Changmin a camera for his birthday. He told him it was for him to keep memories of them together so he wouldn’t forget what they had even if they couldn’t be together anymore.
The dreaded day came, when they were found out. Sunwoo’s “friend” caught them kissing behind the gym benches. He threatened Sunwoo that he would tell his parents about it if he didn’t give him cash. Sunwoo gave the kid everything he demanded and more so he would leave them alone, but somehow it still leaked throughout the school.
See, Sunwoo was an aspiring actor. He had been quite famous in their town for having had a minor role in a movie when he was a child. Seeing that he had this reputation, his parents were “worried” about these rumors spreading around him. They believed their child was not that kind of lowly being. They knew he wasn’t. But having no control over who heard the rumor left them no choice but to send Sunwoo away to let the rumors die down.
It was sudden. Sunwoo didn’t even get to say goodbye to Changmin. All that was there was a letter in Changmin’s locker.
Changmin, I'm sorry I have to leave. I just have to do something for a while but i’ll come back to you. I promise.
Changmin cried that night. It was bound to happen, he expected it to, but that didn’t stop it from hurting. They just weren’t meant to be, he knew that but he still hoped that there was a way to make it okay. He realized just how powerless he was and just how cruel the world was to rub that into his face. All he could do was cry at all the pictures he took of their happy memories and feel helpless at the fact that he can’t bring them back.
Changmin was someone who looked forward to the future but that night, he hated the fact that it didn’t play out the way he wanted it to. Maybe it was a wake-up call, that his time for happiness has expired and that he should get back to reality. He just wanted to stop time to stop the hurt. But everyone should move on.
Eventually, he got back up on his feet. He got back to his daily routine. Doing everything the way he did before he met Sunwoo. He managed to graduate with honors and got a college scholarship. He took the course because it was offered free, not because he wanted to be someone in that field. He didn’t really have a plan for his life. He just did everything he needed to do to make sure he didn’t miss a due date. His life became an endless cycle of going to school then going to work then going home. Even after he graduated college, he only went to work and home, back to back. He must’ve been so accustomed to the fast pace of his world that it felt like everything just slowed down when he saw Kim Sunwoo again.
Changmin wasn’t someone who dwelled on the past but his past haunted him.Ten years. He hasn’t seen him for ten years. His feelings for him were forgotten… or so he thought. Every emotion went crashing into Changmin. Happiness, anger, relief, heartbreak, pain . Memories of them laughing together kept flashing into his mind. He wanted to turn his mind off and go to robot mode to get through with his job.
Changmin was someone who was professional but he couldn’t help the emotions that were overwhelming him. He wanted to reach out to him. He wanted to talk to him, even just exchange hellos. His eyes followed Sunwoo throughout the night. When he finally got the chance to go on break he went straight to find Sunwoo. He was excited and nervous. He was sweating, his heart was beating like he ran a mile, he felt his body heating up, his hands were shaking.
He knew that Sunwoo was at the veranda, he heard his coworkers talking about him. He gathered all of the courage he had in his system to walk up to where Sunwoo was. He was just a meter away, Changmin was so close to finally getting to talk to him after all these years.
As he went closer, he noticed that Sunwoo was talking to an old couple who looked familiar. He had his arm around someone and he seemed like he was delivering good news. Changmin’s gears turned and realized that the couple was Sunwoo’s parents. He tried to think of who the other person might be, but no one came to mind. ‘ Maybe later ,’ he thought. He wanted to talk to Sunwoo when it was just them two, so he could pour out all of him. So he went back to his station.
A few moments later, Sunwoo got on stage and asked everyone to gather around. He said, with a big smile, that he had an announcement. Everyone including Changmin focused on him. He called a person on stage, the same guy he was with a while ago when he was talking to his parents.
“As all of you may know,” Sunwoo started, “we’ve been dating for a while now.”
Changmin froze in his place. ‘ Dating? Sunwoo left a note ten years ago when he left, that he would be back. That I should wait for him. ‘
“We know that this was expected but-”
Changmin’s heart sank and he suddenly had no control of his breathing. He knew what they were going to say. He didn’t want to hear them say it, but he had no choice. He had a job to do. So he held the camera to his face with shaky hands. ‘ Why would he have told me to wait if he wasn’t coming back? ’
“--we’re getting married!” As Sunwoo finally let that out, he looked at his partner with tender eyes, held him by the waist, then kissed him. The cameras’ shutters went wild. The audience cheered them on. The both of them looked so happy on stage. Everyone was in a celebratory mood… except Changmin. He couldn’t bring himself to feel happy for them because the feeling of disappointment and betrayal was so strong in his heart.
His eyes got blurry and his hands shook to the point that he couldn’t even take decent photos. He excused himself from his colleagues and went outside to take a breather. He had to clear his mind. He had to separate his feelings from work. He was professional . He had to be.
He came back inside moments later. Sunwoo and his partner were shaking people’s hands, people that were congratulating them on the engagement, people that were happy for them, people that didn’t know what Sunwoo and Changmin had. Changmin must’ve been so out of it that he didn’t notice Sunwoo’s eyes directed at him. By the time he realized, Sunwoo and his partner were already in front of him.
“Changmin! It’s been such a long time!” Sunwoo exclaimed as he hugged Changmin tightly. Changmin didn’t know what to do. He felt uncomfortable, he wanted to run away. He wanted them both to get out of his sight.
“Ah! Sunwoo! It has, hasn’t it? How’ve you been?” Changmin forced a smile onto his face. Please make this quick.
“I’ve been great! Life’s been good! How about you?”
“Me? I've been great too.” I was waiting for you.
“Ah! Let me introduce you to my fiancé!” I’d rather not.
He looked at the guy and put his hand on the guy’s waist. “Changmin, Haknyeon.” He gestured to his fiancé. “Haknyeon, this is Changmin, the high school friend I talked to you about.”
“Nice to meet you,” Changmin said with a smile as he reached his hand out for a handshake. I want to get out of here.
“So, what brings you here?” Sunwoo asks, he’d probably never thought that he’d meet Changmin there, nor did Changmin ever think he’d meet Sunwoo again.
“Oh, I’m a photographer.” Please get this over with.
“I see you’ve stuck with that. You always were talented with your shots.” Sunwoo smiled.
I only ever took pictures of you. Changmin felt his tears threatening to burst out. He had so many questions to ask Sunwoo. Why he left, why he didn’t go back, why he didn’t keep his promise, why he told Changmin to wait when he didn’t plan to come back . He didn’t want to cry on the job, especially not in front of Sunwoo.
Their conversation got cut when someone called Sunwoo over. Sunwoo and his fiancé said their goodbyes and Changmin ran outside. He wanted to cuss, he wanted to scream. He wanted to let out all of his pent-up feelings that were locked inside for all these years.
Changmin was someone who was professional but he left his post when their job wasn’t finished yet. He ran outside and balled his eyes out at the parking lot. He cried like a child who dropped their lollipop on the ground.
Changmin wasn’t someone who dwelled on the past but he couldn’t help but be angry at Sunwoo’s promises and all the memories he’s made with him. They were from ten years ago, but they hurt like a freshly cut wound.
Changmin was someone who looked forward to the future, but he always hated it. He hated how he didn’t know what was going to happen. He hated being helpless at the fact that he couldn’t change it. He hated it but it taught him one thing. That no matter what it brought him, he would always recover from it.
He'd cry when it hurt but he would always get back up on his feet. He would get back to his daily routine. He’d be pulled in by the fast pace of life and do everything he did before all this has happened.