Chapter Text
They have their first kiss when Louis is eighteen and Harry is seventeen. It's messy; there's too much of tongue and their teeth clank together but by the end of it, they're laughing into each other's mouths.
It probably should have been awkward, considering the fact they've been best friends since they were thirteen and twelve but it's not. At least, not in the way Louis thought it would be.
It's awkward in a sense that it's new for both of them but it feels right. It's Harry's birthday when it happens. They're meant to be at the party they're throwing for him downstairs but he insisted on bringing Louis upsatirs to 'show him something'. Then, once the door closed behind Louis, he's being pushed against and kissed senseless.
It takes only a second for Louis to kiss back, just as Harry is pulling away. He grabs Harry by his collar and Harry practically melts into him.
It doesn't last too long, and it's messy, like Louis said. But it's perfect. He's finally kissing a person he's had a crush on for the past three years of his life. He's on cloud nine.
"You kissed me," Louis whispers, once they're apart.
There's a wolfish smile on Harry's face. "You kissed me back."
"I did," Louis grins widely, "I've been wanting to do that for ages."
"Really?" Harry pulls back, surprised.
"Yeah," Louis says bashfully, "why--- why did you do it?"
Harry's smile falls a bit. "Because I've had a crush on you for ages, of course."
Louis is taken back by how blunt Harry is being and neither of them has had even a drop of alcohol. Not yet, at least. Then again, Harry's always been opened about the way he feels.
"It was killing me not to say or do anything about it," Harry confesses.
"Why didn't you say anything sooner?" Louis can't help but wonder.
"You were with George, remember?" Harry asks, looking sheepish but simultaneously upset about it.
"I mean--- I just--- I didn't think you'd like me back so I just... went out with the first guy who paid attention to me," Louis admits.
Harry is a popular person at school. He makes friends easily, being a social butterfly, and he just has a way with people. It's his charm that's hidden behind that dimpled smile and curly hair.
Of course, Louis is quite popular too, if he does say so himself. Between being part of the debate team and footie team, he's apparently quite likeable. Harry always says it's because Louis is funny. He always laughs at Louis' jokes so Louis chooses to believe that.
"I was convinced you weren't interested in me at all when you went out with him," Harry says quietly, eyes on the floor.
Louis tilts his chin up. "I'm really crazy about you. I promise you, I am."
A smile spreads across his face again, his dimples deep and eyes twinkling.
"You're going to uni soon, you know," Harry mumbles, hands resting on Louis' chest, "so I couldn't hold it back any longer."
"I'm glad you didn't," Louis takes a hold of his hands, intertwining their fingers, "this doesn't feel real."
Harry leans forward, capturing his lips again. This time, its softer and less clumsy. Louis can only move his lips against Harry's again, their hands still intertwined.
"It's real," Harry says, pulling away, cheeks pink, "and I'm so happy you feel the same way--- you do feel the same way, don't you?"
"Depends. What do you feel?" Louis asks, shy again.
"I feel like we could be good together," Harry says quickly, like he's scared to say it out loud, "and you?"
"I feel like I want to take you out on a date," Louis bites his lip, "and I kind of want to kiss you again."
Harry's grin grows. Louis didn't even think it could grow wider. "I kind of want to go out on a date with you," he says, stepping even further into Louis' space, "and I really want to kiss you again too."
Louis lets go of Harry's fingers, in favour of placing them on Harry's waist tentatively. Harry's breath stutters, the warmth of it spreading over Louis' mouth. Harry's hands snake around Louis' neck before their lips meet and they're kissing again.
They still smile into each other's mouth and they stumble a bit. It's still perfect. They spend over half an hour in Harry's room, just making out, hands timid over each others bodies, making sure they don't cross any boundaries.
It's only when Niall yells out for them that they separate, a string of saliva between them, breathing heavy over each other.
"Harry, where the fuck are you?" Niall asks, banging on the door. "This is your party, you know?"
Harry squeezes his eyes shut briefly. "Y-yeah," he clears his throat, "I'll be out in a minute."
Louis grins, pecking him once, then twice and thrice. Harry smiles, nudging their noses together causing them both to giggle.
"Oh god, is Louis in there with you?" He gasps. "Are you two fucking?" He asks, tone far too happy.
"No," Louis replies, "just give us a minute, yeah?"
Niall cackles. "I knew it," he cheers, "see you downstairs, boys. And make sure you're both decent, yeah?"
Harry huffs out a laugh, shaking his head. "Guess we have to go downstairs then."
"Have to share you with everyone else now," Louis pouts.
"Even in that room full of people, I'll still be looking at only you," Harry says, cheeks turning pink.
Louis ignores the heat spreading over his own cheeks. "You're already so sappy," he mumbles.
"I just like to make you blush," Harry teases, kissing his cheek and pulling away. Louis immediately misses his warmth. "Let's go downstairs then?"
"Yeah," Louis exhales, "let's."
They walk downstairs to join everyone else with their fingers intertwined. When their mums see them together, they both smile at them then at each other. It doesn't help that they both probably look like they fucked already.
But neither of them really care. Louis is just happy to have Harry there beside him, right where he belongs. It feels perfect.
*
They have a pretty standard first date as far as standard first dates go. They kissed when Harry dropped Louis off at his home.
He felt a little embarrassed at first, about not having his own car to take Harry out on a date, since he was the one who asked Harry. But Harry said he didn't really care and he let Louis drive them there, just so Louis could stop feeling so bad about it.
He knows how to drive, see, but his family only has two cars that they split between his mum and dad. His dad takes him and Lottie to school before going to work while his mum takes his three younger sisters. Though recently, he's been going to school with Harry.
Harry's family are a little more... well-off, he would say. They got Harry a car for his sixteenth birthday for God's sake and he can't even have his drivers license yet.
One would never say that Harry comes from a wealthy family though, given how humble and down-to-earth he is. It's one of the many things Louis admires about him.
Louis insists on paying for their dinner though and Harry lets him. Mostly because Harry knows it's pointless to argue with Louis once his mind is made up about something.
They're still a little shy and timid about everything at first but they fall into it pretty quickly and it's like Louis can't even remember who they were before this. Before the kissing, the cuddling, the holding hands and stuff.
Every moment with Harry is intense. Even if they do something as silly as locking pinkies over the table, he feels it right in his bones and to his core. His tummy fills with butterflies when Harry so much as looks at him.
The best thing about this now is that Louis can actually do something about it. He can reach over and kiss Harry's cheek when he looks at Louis, he can bring Harry's hand to his mouth when their fingers are interlocked. It's wonderful, really.
Their parents are beyond thrilled that they got together. Their reactions were "finally, god" and "took you two long enough."
Niall's and Liam's reactions are more or less the same. Niall keeps pestering them with inappropriate questions, asking whether or not they fucked almost every single time they see him. The child needs help. He's too obsessed with other people's sex lives.
They haven't though. Not yet, at least. Louis doesn't think either of them are ready to take that step yet but they will get there soon, Louis is sure of it.
Liam, on the other hand, keeps asking them how they didn't realise it sooner because apparently everybody else around them were dying, waiting for them to get together.
Louis can't answer that. They were just being oblivious teenagers, he supposes. But they're passed that now and that's all that matters.
The first few months are incredible with Harry. Harry is everything he's hoped for and more. When Louis is studying for his finals, Harry is always there, helping him with flashcards, making sure he eats properly, rewarding him, whether it was with kisses or other things. He's really the perfect boyfriend.
They finally declare their boyfriend status one month after they'd gone out. Not that they really needed it; they weren't too big on labels anyways. But it did feel good to call Harry his boyfriend.
Things start to get a little rocky when Louis going to uni is mentioned. They were so caught up in the la vie en rose of their relationship that they hadn't even thought about the fact that Louis is going to be going to uni in a few months.
It's nothing drastic. They just both become a little hesitant with one another. None of them wanting to bring it up. Louis is sure it's because Harry doesn't want to make either one of them sad.
But they inevitably do talk about it. It's after one of Louis' exams and Harry picks him up from school to take him home. When they get to Louis' house, Harry doesn't make a move to get out of the car.
"Love?" Louis asks, perplexed.
"Where do you see us going, Louis?" He asks, his eyes on his lap, glued on his fiddling hands.
"What?" Louis blinks, surprised by the abruptness of it.
"Us--- do you--- do you still want to be with me? Like, when you go into uni and stuff."
"I---" he doesn't know why he hesitates because of course he does. He wants to the spend the rest of his life with Harry. He doesn't care if it's too soon to think about stuff like that.
Harry's face falls, eyes snapping up to look at Louis. "Is this just some passing relationship for you?" He asks, eyes filling with tears.
"No, no," Louis moves quickly, grabbing Harry's hands from his lap and into Louis' that he thankfully does not pull away, "god, no, Harry. You're not a passing relationship, Jesus."
Harry sniffs. "Then what? What do you want from this?"
"I don't want us to break up," Louis says, the thought causing a turmoil in his stomach, "I want to be with you--- you know how much you mean to me."
"You're going to uni though and I'll be left alone here in this boring old town," Harry mumbles, "you're going to find someone more interesting once you go to uni."
"More interesting than Harry Styles? I hardly think so," Louis says, smiling softly, "I don't even know if I'm getting into uni, you know?"
"Of course you will. You're so smart, Lou. You're going to become a big shot architect, just watch," Harry smiles.
And Harry--- god, he's always been so supportive of Louis. From playing footie to indulging his dream of becoming an architect.
"I love you," Louis blurts out, without a second thought.
Harry's face contorts into something that's shock but also relief. He leaps forward, cupping Louis' face and kissing him senseless.
Louis smiles, pulling away from him. "Look, even if I do get into uni, I'm not going to leave you behind. I want to be with you."
"You do?" Harry asks, looking touched.
"I do," Louis confirms, "and besides, it'll only be a year, yeah? Then you can join me at uni and we can be together."
Harry's grins falters a bit. "I don't even know if I'll get into uni," he mumbles, "but I do know that I want to be with you."
"Hey, don't say that," Louis smoothes out the furrow between his brows, "you're a smart cookie," he kisses his forehead.
Harry smiles softly, playing with the long strands of Louis' hair at the back of his head. "Where do you want to apply to?"
"Manchester, Oxford and Cambridge. Maybe Birmingham."
Harry's eyes widen slightly. "Jesus, Lou. Those aren't very easy to get into."
"I know," he winces, "which is why I'm trying not to get my hopes up."
Harry shakes his head. "No, that's not what I mean. For you, it'll be easy but for me... I'm not sure I can get into those universities."
Louis hates when he doubts himself like this. Harry is one of the smartest people he knows. Your marks and grades in school don't define your intelligence, not to Louis. He knows of some top A students who are as dumb as a bag of rocks when it comes to things like common sense.
"Then name the university you think you'll get into and I'll go there," Louis says.
"Louis, no," he says firmly, "apply to those places, okay? I'll--- I'll work towards getting there. I'll work really hard."
Louis kisses him again, just because he can.
"I'd follow you to the ends of the earth if I can, you know?" Harry says quietly.
"I know. You know I would do the same, yeah? All you have to do is say the word."
Harry smiles happily, hugging him tightly, tucking his face into Louis' neck.
"This feels surreal," Harry mumbles against his neck, "I didn't know I could love someone this much."
Louis' heart stutters. His cheeks heat up. Slowly, he pulls away from Harry, searching his face. "You love me?"
Harry frowns. "Of course I do. Did --- I didn't say it back," he gasps in realisation then barks out a laugh, "I'm sorry, I love you too."
Louis looks down bashfully, feeling Harry place a kiss on his forehead.
"We'll make it work, yeah?" Louis reassures him, pecking his lips sweetly.
"We will," Harry says with earnest, "long distance is hard but not impossible."
"Exactly," Louis kisses his nose. Harry grins at him.
"Can I come upstairs with you?" Harry asks, biting on his bottom lip.
"Yeah. You gonna stay for supper?"
Harry nods eagerly. Louis laughs.
"Come on then, let's go."
They walk into Louis' house, Harry's hand in his, feeling like they can conquer the whole world if they just have each other.
*
The day before Louis leaves to university, Harry is trying his hardest not to start bawling, Louis can tell. He's curled up practically into Louis, clinging to him like Louis will disappear if he doesn't.
"Haz, it'll be okay, baby. I'll call you all the time, yeah?" Louis soothes, rubbing up and down his spine.
"Everyday," Harry insists, looking up at him with wide, shining doe eyes.
Louis sighs, moving a piece of hair from his forehead and tucking it behind his ear. "Everyday," he promises, sealing it with a kiss.
"And you'll visit as much as you can?" Harry asks, propping his chin on Louis' chest.
"Of course I will. And whenever you can too, yeah?"
Harry nods. "I'm gonna tell people I'm visiting my uni boyfriend," he smiles.
Louis snorts. "Yeah and I'll make sure to get you a hoodie. University merch."
Harry's eyes light up. "Seriously? Oh my god that would be so sick."
"Yeah, seriously," Louis laughs softly at how excited Harry looks.
"I won't take it off if you get me one," Harry says, very seriously.
"Babe, it's gonna stink," Louis says.
"I don't care. Oh--- you can wear it first for a few days and then give it to me so it smells like you, okay?"
"Fine. But what do I get of yours?"
"Was my virginity not enough?"
"Harry," Louis scolds, scandalized, "that doesn't count you got mine too."
"Tit for tat," he giggles, flicking Louis' nipple.
Louis hisses, batting his hand away. "Harry, come on, I'm serious. What do I get from you?"
Harry sighs, kissing his chest. "I don't know. What do you want?"
Louis bites his lip in thought. "I need two things, technically, because you have my footie jersey too."
Harry huffs. "Louis."
"Okay, fine. Hmm... I want that beanie of yours--- the maroon one," Louis says decisively, "and I want a letter."
"A letter?" Harry asks, eyebrows knitted together.
"Yeah. A letter from you," he says.
"Saying what?"
"I don't know, how much you love me and stuff," Louis smiles mishiveously, "how much you miss me."
"Okay," Harry says softly, "open it when you're at uni though, okay?"
"Okay," Louis agrees easily, "now would you give me more kisses please?"
Harry laughs, shaking his head before straddling Louis' waist and leaning down, connecting their lips together instantly.
*
The first few months are hard. They're really, really fucking hard. Louis misses Harry so much sometimes, he feels like can't breathe properly. Maybe that's not the best thing but he can't help it. Harry is his whole fucking world.
They see each other a total of three times in first four months. From two people that saw each other everyday, to barely seeing each other in a month, it's a hard thing to adjust to.
They manage to see each other a little bit more as month four, five and six come along but it doesn't make it any easier.
Louis is glad that Liam is with him in Manchester University otherwise he would have lost his mind by now. They're staying on the university residence for now and it's a weird thing to adjust to too.
He's away from his family and he has to fend for himself now. So far, he's only learnt how to make pot noodles and cheese toasties. It's not the worst thing to survive on.
Getting a full scholarship here was what convinced Louis to choose this university. He'd gotten one at Birmingham too but decided to go with Manchester, since it's closer to home. To Harry.
Harry, being in his last year now, gets busier by the days. It's evident with the way his eyes are a little droopy and his skin looks pale while his hair is greasy. He looks gorgeous.
"You look knackered, love," Louis comments, wanting nothing more than to cuddle up to him.
"I studied last night and the night before," Harry explains, adjusting the University of Manchester hoodie that he has on. Louis smiles at that.
Ever since he got the hoodie from Louis four months ago, he hasn't stopped wearing it. It was a shit expensive thing to get but it was worth it to see the smile on his face.
"You're really pushing it, aren't you?" Louis frowns.
"I am," he bites his lip, "I'm---"
"You're what?" Louis asks curiously, tone gentle.
Harry looks at him, eyes hesitant. "I'm actually thinking about taking a gap year when I'm done."
That's--- that's the first Louis has heard of anything like that. His frown deepens. "What?"
"I know this wasn't the plan but," he sighs, playing with the strings of the hoodie, "I'm so lost with what I want to do with my life."
Louis tries to tell himself not to respond to his anger or disappointment immediately. He exhales, straightening up on his bed.
"H, I'm sure youll figure it out once you're here. You can do a general bachelor's degree for your first year till you decide what you really want to do."
Harry sighs. "I've thought about that, Lou. I just," he chews on his bottom lip, "I don't know if I'm ready for uni yet. I just want some time to figure things out for myself first."
"What," Louis swallows, "what does that mean for us then? Do you want to still come and stay here?"
"I don't want anything to happen to us," Harry says quickly, "all I'm saying is that I don't think I want to start uni immediately."
Louis bites on the inside of his cheek. "What do you want to do then?"
"Not sure yet. I've always wanted to travel though," he says quietly.
"You want to travel?" Louis repeats, feeling sick to his stomach. It's just--- he's never mentioned all of this before.
The plan is--- was--- that Harry applies here and he and Louis stay together and study together and live their lives together. Now--- now Harry wants to take a gap year. What does that mean for their relationship?
"Yeah, I mean, maybe," he shrugs, "it's just an idea."
"How long have you felt that way?" Louis asks, "because it's halfway through the year already."
"You're getting upset," Harry sighs, "look, I'll be there next weekend and we can talk more about this in person, yeah?"
Louis opens his mouth, about to protest, but Harry cuts him off.
"Please, Louis," he begs, "I want to be there with you when we talk about this."
Reluctantly, Louis purses his lips and gives him a short nod.
"I love you," he says, adams apple bobbing in his throat.
"I love you," Louis says back, because he's not cruel and he does love him, even if he isn't Harrys biggest fan right now.
Harry smiles tightly before hanging up. Louis exhales shakily, uncertainty aching in his bones. He just feels blindsided by this whole thing. He has so many questions. What changed Harry's mind? When did that happen? Why didn't he tell Louis sooner? What is going to happen to them now? What does he want to do after his gap year? If he does still want to be with Louis, will they survive? Especially if Harry decides to travel, it won't be easy.
He has bigger things to worry about right now though. One being studying for a test he has to write in two days.
*
They kind of lose themselves in the bedroom when Harry does come to visit, much to Liam's dismay. The spend the whole first day Harry is there with and in each other. His love is addictive, what can Louis say?
It's only the next morning while they're munching on leftover cold pizza that Louis brings it up.
Harry's head is on his shoulder while he chews on some pizza and the box is placed on both of their thighs, pressed together.
"So, a gap year, huh?" Louis asks, holding his breath.
He feels Harry stop chewing, the weight of his head lifting. He wipes his hands on the sheets (Louis will find time to scold him for that later), and places the box aside, facing Louis. Harry takes a hold of Louis' hands. Suddenly, Louis feels like he's being set up to take bad news. The 'it's not you, it's me' speech.
"I want to take a gap year when I'm done," he says again.
"Right," Louis swallows, "for how long exactly, did you want this?"
"I don't know. I think a part of me has wanted this for a while," he reveals, "but I only realised it a few months ago."
"Months ago? And you didn't tell me until now?"
"Louis, I didn't know what I wanted. I was scared. I had to figure some things out first before I told you."
Louis sighs. "Okay, um, what do you plan on doing then? Do you want to get a job? Are you staying here? You could move in with Liam and I until we find our own place or y---"
"Louis," Harry cuts him ramble off with a small laugh, "I want to go out--- of here, I mean."
"Uh, we could go to that pub on sixth?" Louis suggests, confused.
"No, no, I mean, I want to go and travel--- out of the UK," he says unsurely.
Louis inhales sharply. He was afraid of this. "You wanna travel, right. You said that."
"I did," Harry says quietly, "and I do. I think it'll be good for me."
"Okay," Louis takes a deep breath, "where do you want to go?"
"I was thinking Europe--- Like maybe start with Amsterdam?" He says with a small smile on his face. "Mum and dad think it's a good idea so they're going to help me pay along with the money I get from the bakery of course."
"Okay," Louis says again, unsure of what else to say, "where... where do you us going then? If you're going to be travelling for a year?"
"I don't want us to end," Harry says desperately, "you're the best thing that's ever happened to me."
Louis softens at that. He squeezes Harry's hands in his. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me too," he says honestly, "so what do you suggest we do then?"
Harry huffs. "I know long distance is hard. And I'm not--- if you don't want to do it, I understand--- but I think we should try it."
"A whole year, huh?" Louis asks, the thought making him sick to his stomach. He's missed Harry so much during these past few months, is the thing. How is he going to do a whole year without him?
"I'll come and see you whenever I can. Or you can see me. Hey," his eyes widen, "do you want to come with me?"
Louis' heart leaps to his throat. He entertains the idea for only a few seconds before shaking his head. "I can't, love. I have my degree to finish."
"You can take a year off with me," he says, shifting closer to Louis, "it could be fun."
Louis lets out a shaky breath. "As much as I would like that, I'm kind of happy where I am right now, with studying and stuff, I mean."
"Really?" Harry seems disappointed.
"Besides, I wouldn't have the money to go and you know I can't accept any from you or your parents."
Harry pouts, shoulders dropping. "I know," he mumbles.
"I'm just... this is all so weird to me, H. You've never mentioned any of this before, like, I didn't even know you wanted to travel so much."
Harry shrugs sheepishly. "I guess I felt kind of stupid for thinking about it. I mean, here you are, on a full scholarship for architecture for God's sake, and then there's me..."
Louis pulls Harry closer until hes cupping his face. "Harry Styles you are one of the smartest people I know and that is a fact, okay? Please don't doubt that. You're going to do amazing, in whatever you do decide to eventually study, okay?"
Harry's eyes still look a little sad, a little apprehensive and another emotion Louis can't quite depict. He nods though, leaping forward in Louis' arms, straddling him and hugging him tightly, face tucked into his neck like it always is.
Louis kisses his bare shoulder then his hair. God, he misses the way Harry smells so much. It's such a weird thing to miss, Louis is sure, but it's one of his favourite things about Harry.
God, is there anything of Harry's that he doesn't like?
"I love you, Louis," he mumbles, his nose cold on Louis' warm skin, "thank you for being so supportive of me for this."
Louis nods just as Harry pulls back, sniffing. "You would do the same for me," Louis says. And it's the truth. There's no doubt in Louis' mind that if it were Louis who wanted this, Harry would support him one hundred percent.
"Of course, I would. I belive in you," Harry kisses his forehead delicately, "I'll come and stay here for the holidays before you leave, yeah? We'll have over a month together, just us two."
"Yeah?" Louis asks, grinning at him.
"Yeah," Harry presses their foreheads together, "I want and I need to get as much of you as possible."
Louis gulps, running his hands down the knobs of Harrys spine. "You'll always have all of me," he whispers.
Harry smiles gently. "I'll always be yours."
Louis kisses him hard, like it's the last time he'll get to do it. It's going to be so fucking hard, Louis knows this already. He's seen so many friends go through long distance and it barely lasted two months before they decided to break it off because they wanted to physically be there with the person and the fact that they couldn't drove them nuts.
He has a good feeling that being away from Harry in such long periods of time will also drive him a little nuts. As it is, he can barely survive only seeing him a few times in a few months.
He doesn't know how he's going to cope not seeing Harry at all for months at a time. Realistically, Harry won't be able to see Louis every month and neither can Louis see him. Money being the biggest factor in the equation.
They're going to have to survive on grainy Skype calls and sloppy phone sex. It's not very different to what they have now except that it kind of is.
"Louis," Harry pulls back, stroking Louis' cheekbone, "we'll be okay, yeah?"
Louis nods but it feels like somehow his whole world is going to come crashing down. "I'm going to miss you so fucking much," he breathes out, "I already do," he chuckles wetly.
"I know, babe," Harry presses a kiss to his temple, "I'm going to miss you too. But it'll only be for a year, yeah? Then I'll be back and we can stay together, be together properly, right?"
"Of course," Louis says instantly, "I can't wait to start our lives together. You're it for me, H."
It's something big to admit and it shouldn't be taken lightly. They've been together for just over a year now so Louis feels like it's okay to say it out loud.
Judging by Harry's huge smile, he'd say he made the right decision. He leans forward again to kiss Louis tenderly and they fall back into bed with each other again.
*
For the Summer holidays, Harry comes over to stay with him and Liam. They have fun, needless to say and Harry even invites Niall over a few times to join them whenever they'd go out.
Louis learns that Niall is going back to Ireland to study, since it'll be easier because most of his family is there. Louis is a little bummed about it because Niall is one of his best mates after all. He can't help but feel like too much is changing all at once.
There seems to be a bit of a stormy cloud that hangs over Harry and Louis while they spend time together. It's not like it affects their time together per se, it's just that there are moments where Louis lets his mind wander and he overthinks.
Like when Harry had brought up getting his ticket to go to Amsterdam and the excitement that shone through his features. Louis had just smiled back and given him a kiss.
It's hard to ignore sometimes. Harry is so excited the closer they get to him leaving and Louis feels more and more dread take over. He knows that he agreed to be supportive and he really is trying his best but it's just that, sometimes it seems like Harry isn't even sad about leaving.
All the time, actually. The only time he'd ever shown that he'll miss Louis is when they'd been on a sex high and he rambled on about he's going to miss that the most about them. It was a joke, of course, and Louis knew that. But it still stung a little, especially now, considering the fact that he hadn't even spoken about it again.
And the worst part of all of it is that he gets a glimpse into the future he imagines with Harry. One where they're living together, where he wakes up to Harry humming softly in their kitchen while he makes breakfast, late night cuddles on the couch, lazy morning sex, sweet kisses and tight cuddles.
It's honestly like torture for Louis. He wants that so fucking badly and he's going to have to wait a whole fucking year to get it. He's going to wait for his boyfriend to settle down with him properly while his boyfriend is off galivanting with his new foreign friends and getting high every second day.
God, he hates all of it. He hates the fact that Harry could find someone way more interesting than Louis. Someone who's as spontaneous and adventurous as him, who wants to live life on edge constantly and maybe they could be taller than Louis too. Louis wonders if Harry ever prefers to have someone taller than him.
It's silly insecurities that creep up on him when he's least expecting it and the closer they get to the day Harry leaves, the harder it is to ignore. So of course, Harry notices that Louis is being withdrawn and asks him about it.
Louis brushes it off at first, saying that it's nothing really and he's just tired but Harry reads him like a book so he knows that it's bullshit. He doesn't push it though, which Louis is thankful for.
It isn't until it's a week and a half before Harry is leaving that Louis finally snaps. They're in the lounge together, absently watching Cake Boss because Harry insisted he wanted to, when Harry starts talking about an intinary for Amsterdam and all the other places he wants to visit.
Apparently after Amsterdam, he wants to go to Italy, then France and maybe he'll end with Germany but he's not sure about that part yet. It seems like an awful lot of places to go to but he supposes in the long run, it probably isn't. It's twelve months after all. Jesus, it's fucking twelve months.
"Are you going to miss me at all?" Louis blurts out in the middle of Harry's talking. He hates how insecure he sounds about it.
Harry freezes, looking at Louis intently before turning his body to face him. "Of course I am, Lou. How can you even ask that?"
"Because we've spent almost two months together and you haven't even said it once. You never said that you'll miss me while you're gone or that you'll miss us," he sputters over his words because he's opened a floodgate and now they won't stop flowing.
Harry's eyes turn sad. "I don't want to think about it, Lou. That's the only reason I haven't brought it up much. It makes me sad to even think about it."
"Oh, but somehow, talking about going away for a whole year and how excited you are about it doesn't make you sad? It doesn't make you think, 'hey I'm going to be away from my boyfriend for a whole year'?"
Harry frowns at him. "Where is all of this coming from, Louis? I thought you were being supportive of me."
That's not fucking fair. "Thats not fair," he voices out, "I am being supportive. I'm just saying that I can't help but feel a little neglected right now."
Harry huffs, nostrils flaring like he's agitated. Like he has the right to be. "Louis, did you ever stop for a moment to think that maybe not everything is about you?"
And that--- that isn't the reply he thought he would get. He blinks, surprised.
"I'm so lost with what I want to do with my life right now. All I can focus on is this trip because it's all I'm sure about."
Louis' face falls. Harry seems to realise what he's said and stutters over his words to try and rectify it.
"Besides you, of course," he says, "I mean with, like, my career and studying and all that stuff."
Louis sighs. "I'm going to miss you so much," he says quietly, "and we've only been together for a year and a half so who knows, you might find someone better while you're away and then what?"
"Youre making this about you again," he says, but there's no bite to his words, "I don't plan on doing that," he tells Louis, "you're all I want, Louis. I'll never find someone better suited for me than you."
The words warm Louis' heart, despite everything. He sniffs a bit, rubbing a hand over his face. "I'm sorry, this is just so hard for me, okay? It feels like I've just gotten you and now you're going away."
"Oh, babe," Harry sighs, tilting Louis' chin up so that Louis is looking at him, "I'm going to miss you so damn much, okay? I promise you that I'll talk to you as much as possible. You're not losing me, Lou. I just need some time away to figure some things out, that's all."
Louis nods shortly, engulfing Harry into a hug. "I know. I'm sorry I got all insecure about it. I understand what you're doing and I promise you that I do support you, yeah?"
Harry nuzzles his nose against Louis' neck. Its cold like it always is, despite the weather. "You're allowed to be insecure, Lou. I understand," he mumbles, "who's to say you won't find someone better than me while I'm away?"
Louis pulls Harry by his shoulders so that Harry is looking at him again. "You are it for me, Harry. I've said it before and I'll say it again, yeah? You're it for me. I don't want anyone else. I don't care how long you're gone. It'll always be you at the end of the day."
There's tears welling up in Harry's eyes. His bottom lip wobbles. "You're such a sap," he says, "you promise you won't sleep with Liam while I'm gone?"
Louis barks out a laugh. "Trust me, darling, I will not sleep with Liam ever. Never ever. Even if you and I weren't together. He's like a brother to me."
Harry chuckles a bit before falling into Louis' arms again, holding him tightly. "I love you so much, Louis," he says softly, his tone nothing but sincere.
God, Louis isn't going to cry. He isn't. "I love you too, Harry," he reciprocates, placing a kiss to Harry's growing hair.
"I'm going to miss you so much," Harry says, "don't ever doubt that, okay? I'm always going to be thinking about you."
Louis grins, even if it is a bit shaky. He places another kiss to Harry's hair. "I know you will. You'll call me all the time, yeah?"
Harry smiles against his shoulder, snuggling closer so that he's practically in Louis' lap. He's getting tall now, and so it shouldn't make sense that they still fit together like that but they do anyways.
"Everyday," he promises, just like Louis did almost a year ago, "at least, I'll try to."
Louis chuckles. He doesn't expect Harry to call him everyday. He'll be exploring new cities and towns, Louis doesn't want him to feel like he has to owe Louis a call at the end of the day.
"Whenever you can," Louis says, "and you'll tell me all about your adventures, yeah? All about your travelling?"
Harry nods, humming. "Every single detail," he promises, "maybe you and I can do some travelling together once you're done studying," he suggests softly.
Louis smiles at the thought. He's never really thought about leaving the UK before but he doesn't mind doing a bit of travelling. Harry has always been the dreamer between the two of them. And he dreamt big. It really shouldn't have come as a surprise to Louis that he wanted to travel instead of studying right away.
"I'd like that," he says honestly, "maybe we'll go to Bali--- I've always wanted to go there."
Harry kisses his shoulder. "Deal," he says, "when I'm back for good, we can talk about it more, yeah?"
Louis grins, happy about that at least. "Yeah. I look forward to you being back. Sorry."
"Don't apologise," Harry rubs his thumb over the bottom of Louis' spine, "I wish I could take you with me right now."
"I know," he mumbles, "hey, let's do something fun, yeah? I don't want either of us to be sad right now. We should spend the little time we have with each other left doing something fun."
Harry pulls back to look at him. "Like what? Sneak into your campus library and have sex on the table? Have sex on Liam's bed?"
"Why do all of them involve sex?" Louis chuckles.
"Because I'm going to go without our sex for god knows how long. I want to have you as much as possible. I need you."
"Jesus, you're a bloody insatiable minx," Louis kisses his nose, "we can get to the sex part, let's do something else first."
"We could rob a bank," Harry grins mishiveously, "oh, or a liquor store."
"God, babe, do you want to be arrested before you go? What's with all the illegal activity?"
"I dunno. I guess I'm just feeling a little wild tonight," he shrugs, resting his hands on Louis' thighs.
"How about, we get a little high, steal some of Liam's whiskey and get a little tipsy and then we can have sex on his bed?"
Harry giggles. "He's going to yell at us by the time he comes back."
"I know. It's always fun to see Liam angry," Louis snorts.
"Mostly because he can't get angry," Harry nods, "we shouldn't even change the sheets when we're done."
Louis gasps. "Look at you being all evil all of a sudden."
"Feeling wild, I told you," Harry giggles again, "come on, let's get high now."
Louis laughs softly. "Let's."
They end up getting high on the kitchen floor, then passing a half bottle of whiskey between them in Liam's room before undressing each other clumsily, laughing into each others mouths that quickly turned into moans as they fucked sloppily on Liam's bed.
It's not what Louis thinks is wild as what Harry intially wanted but there's a sated smile on his face afterwards as he cuddles up to Louis. Louis thinks it's good enough for him. He only hopes that it stays that way.
*
The day Harry leaves is full of tears. They cling onto each other like lifelines. Louis waits with him at the airport as much as he can and neither of them say much, just enjoying each others company while they still can.
Harry says he wants to visit Louis as soon as possible but they both don't know how soon that can be. It could be months from now. It probably will be. Louis says that he'll try his best to do the same though. And that maybe they can meet wherever Harry is and Louis can stay there a while, experience the whole thing with Harry.
Harry is ecstatic about the idea. At least Louis knows then that Harry isn't trying to just get rid of him. When they're just an hour away from Harry going to check in and board the flight, he tugs on Louis' sleeve, uncertainty all over his face.
"Maybe I shouldn't go," he says suddenly.
Louis widens his eyes. For a moment, a selfish part of him wants to agree, wants to tell him to stay so that they can finally be together properly. But it wouldn't be right. He knows how much Harry has been looking forward to this and he's going to be supportive god dammit.
Louis pulls him aside, cupping his face. "Baby, you've been looking forward to this for months. You know you want this."
"Yeah but what if it's a mistake, Lou? What if I just end up regretting it? And I'm going to be all alone--- god."
Louis has never heard him speak so fast before. His voice and tone has always been slow and a little morbid if he's being honest but in a good way. Somehow.
"But you've got this, love. You're one of the bravest, strongest and smartest people I know. Even your mum said so earlier, didn't she? She said you'll be fine on your own."
Harry's eyes are wide and scared but he nods. "I'm just--- this could all be for nothing."
"Or it could all be for something," Louis says, hands moving to Harry's waist, pulling him close, "you said you want to take this trip to figure some things out and that's exactly what you're going to do, yes? You're going to go and have some fun and you're going to come back to me and it'll all be worth it."
Harry nods, wiping the rims of his eyes. "Not too much of fun though," he smiles.
Louis smiles back, kissing him softly. "As much as you deserve," he says, "I love you, H. I love you so much."
Harry sniffles, eyes shining with tears again. He cups Louis' jaw with one hand, running his thumb over his cheekbone like he always does.
"I love you too, babe and I'm going to miss you like hell," Harry lets tears fall now and Louis isn't too far off from doing the same.
"I'm going to miss you too. Think of me, yeah? You've got that hoodie and my footie jersey," he chuckles wetly, "think of me when you wear it."
"Don't need to wear those things to think of you, Lou. You're always in my heart," he smiles softly, "you'll think of me when you read that letter I gave you, yeah?"
Louis grins. "Always thinking of you," he says.
Then they're kissing again in the middle of the airport and it's painfully perfect. Louis savours his taste, his touch, his smell, the dimples when he smiles, the mole on his chin and dip of his spine. God, he's going to miss this boy so damn much.
They pull away from each other after what feels like only seconds but he knows it's more than that. Every moment with him feels like it's just not enough.
"I should go," Harry mumbles, eyes wet again.
Louis nods, pulling away, wiping his own eyes. "You should."
Harry grabs hold of the trolley with his luggage and looks at Louis sadly. "Bye, Lou," he says.
Louis' heart clenches. He swallows down the lump in his throat. "Bye, love," he gives him a wobbly smile.
Harry hugs him one last time, fisting the back of his shirt and letting out tiny sniffles. Louis hugs back, just as tightly if not more.
"Love you," Harry says for what feels like the twentieth time. Louis isn't complaining.
"Love you too. Now go, babe," Louis scolds him playfully, pressing a kiss to his head before Harry is pulling away again.
Harry wipes his eyes again and then he starts pushing his trolley to join the queue. Louis waits until he's on the other end. Then Harry turns around, waving with a sad smile on his face.
Louis waves back, blowing him a kiss just to see him smile, even if it is small. Then, just like that, he's gone.
Louis feels numb as he drives back to campus. He whole body aches with how much he already misses Harry. Now he's going to have to manage without him for months at a time.
When Liam sees him, he hugs him almost as tightly as Harry did and that's when Louis lets go and cries into his best friend's shoulder. Liam comforts him by rubbing his back and holding him while they sit on their ratty old couch.
"I miss him so much. What the fuck," he mumbles, wiping his eyes and pulling away.
"I know you do, Louis. But he'll be back before you know it, yeah? Then you guys can be all lovey-dovey with each other and fuck on my bed again."
Louis lets out a startled wet laugh. "Fuck," he sighs eventually, wiping his nose with a tissue Liam hands him, "this feels surreal."
"I'm sure it does," Liam frowns, "let's get your mind off of it for a bit, okay? I'm sure he'll be texting you as soon as he lands."
Louis nods in agreement and Liam brings them a tub of vanilla ice cream to share, putting The Hangover on. It distracts Louis for a little bit until he gets a text from Harry.
Landed and it's already so beautiful here. Missing you. Love you loads x H
Louis grins at his phone. He sees Liam smile at him through his peripheral vision.
"See? Won't be that bad, Louis," Liam pats his back.
Louis believes him in that moment. They're strong and they can do this. He types out a reply to Harry.
Send me some pictures whenever you can. I miss you too and love you lots xxx
They text a little bit before Harry says he's going to get some sleep. Louis lets him go, even though he doesn't want to because of how much he's missed him.
When Louis goes to bed, he catches sight of a piece of paper left on his nightstand. He smiles when he realises what it is. Harry must have dug it out and left it on the stand for Louis to see.
He opens up the frailing paper and reads over the words. Despite the ache in his heart, he smiles fondly. As much as he misses Harry, the words keep him sated somehow.
He knows, as he tucks the paper underneath his pillow, that they'll be all right. No matter what.