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It started with a need for knowledge, one of very few that the Gusu Lan library could not fulfil. Not even the forbidden section had what Lan Wangji needed. There were medical textbooks in the general section, more insidious medical textbooks in the forbidden section, but neither had anything that contained something besides clinical detachment. Lan Wangji was not entirely sure how most people obtained the necessary information, but suspected that it was generally passed by word of mouth between parents and children, or between agemates, or, in the absence of all mercy, discovered by trial and error.
Lan Wangji had no elders that he dared to ask, for many reasons. Uncle would never speak of such things, not even in an educational way, as he was far too averse to things of that nature. Lan Xichen would answer because he felt obligated to help his younger brother, but it would be awkward and horrible for them both and likely taint the knowledge with the horror of the experience. And attempting to speak to either of them would result unequivocally in the necessity to reveal that he had never been interested in women.
Besides, if Lan Wangji was honest with himself, it wasn’t really education that he was after, but something closer to entertainment. That was not quite the correct word, either, for the fiery need that burned under his skin and left him feeling feverish, left him uncharastically awake at night, restless and agitated until he gave in and stroked himself beneath the sheets. But even that provided minimal relief with nothing to really think of, no way to envision how his relief should come to pass in the best possible world. It scratched an itch without treating the rash, and it wasn’t enough anymore.
So, rather than continue to suffer, a solution was needed. Lan Wangji did not have the face to attempt to find someone who sold the kinds of books he needed, because while he knew such merchants would be discreet the attempt to find one would likely result in speaking to someone rather less discreet. There was exactly one person he knew would have the items and information he sought and could also be counted on for his discretion, though the thought of reaching out in this way made Lan Wangji feel a little dirty. Still, in desperation, he drafted a letter. And then redrafted it. And then threw it out and started from scratch. But every attempt sounded like either the world’s worst proposition, a prank, or entirely too clinical to get his point across. Finally, he threw it all out and decided to be blunt. It was what he was best at, after all, since words were not his strong suit.
Nie Huaisang,
I hope you will indulge me in this request, despite its unusual nature. I do remember from your time in Cloud Recesses that you favored a particular genre of fiction that is not available at the library of Gusu Lan. I have no access to such materials and no knowledge of where to obtain them, but I find myself in need of them. In specific, I have need of a certain subset of this genre that does not involve women. I know you to be discreet, when you choose to be, and hope you will be so with this. Your insight into how I would obtain what I need would be greatly appreciated.
Lan Wangji
It was the best he could do, though his heart pounded and he thought about burning it as he had all the drafts all the way until it was in the courier’s hands. But he sent it, despite his nerves and misgivings, and then could only wait in agony for any kind of reply. He did not truly think that he would encounter rumors of his request at any point, because Nie Huaisang was not cruel enough to let slip either Lan Wangji’s request or his preferences. This certainty in Nie Huaisang’s character, despite his many faults, was the only reason he sent the letter at all.
Fortunately, there was plenty to distract him from the wait. Lan Yuan took his courtesy name and entered higher level classes while he waited, becoming Lan Sizhui and making him prouder than was considered appropriate with how well he was doing. He carried himself with all the grace expected of the Lan heir, despite having not yet been named so, and was excelling in all his studies. During their private guqin lessons, which were more an excuse to spend time with Sizhui than because the boy truly needed any extra lessons, the child still called him Baba and curled up in his lap once they were finished playing. Once he had taken on his new name, he had ceased to call him anything but Hanguang-jun unless they were alone together. While Lan Wangji understood the need for this and even agreed with it, it didn’t prevent the pang of sorrow he felt every time the formal title passed his son’s lips.
The package arrived while Lan Wangji was teaching, and he didn’t know about it until he returned to the jingshi that evening. The seal of the Nie clan stood out boldly on the sturdy wooden box and the letter that sat atop it, making it look as though it were nothing more than official sect business between one clan heir and another, but Lan Wangji felt his ears flush at the realization that this was likely subterfuge. He reached for the letter first, and broke the seal with his finger, both dreading and anticipating the contents.
Wangji-xiong,
Your memory is good! As expected of Hanguang-jun. Though, I must admit I did spend quite a while trying to decide if the letter was really from you or if someone was playing a cruel prank on us both. I didn’t expect to be the one you approached about this, but after thinking on it for quite a while I understood your reasons. Don’t worry, no one will know of your request from me. And I did know, actually, where your preferences lay, but thank you for trusting me with this. My own are similar, though more widely varied, and I hope this revelation helps you feel a little more at ease with me. We are not so dissimilar, at the heart of it.
To get to the point, I’ve sent along a few things to get you started. Most of this is educational rather than entertaining, because you cannot truly enjoy it without understanding the mechanics of it all. All of it is made with your preferences in mind, and comes from my own collections for utmost discretion. Let me know when you’ve completed these; I didn’t want to send too much at once and overwhelm you! It can be a little much, in the beginning, I know. The last page of this letter contains a reading order that I hope will help you keep your thoughts in order, but feel free to disregard it.
I hope you will permit me a question in return, despite it being rude to ask. Are you requesting this now, after so long, because you have your eye on someone? I had thought, and please forgive me both for assuming and for the assumption itself, that you were, perhaps, still in mourning even six years later. Regardless, I am happy to continue to provide what aid I can.
Huaisang
Lan Wangji couldn’t help but blink at the letter in surprise. He had not expected the question, and despite the timid way it was worded it still felt like a bold and bald reprimand, as though he was somehow disrespecting the memory of the only one he would ever love when rather the opposite was true. Part of the reason this need had come about in the first place was the desire to keep him close, to remember how he’d felt when they were near each other, to remember that fevered desire to touch that he’d battled for so long and missed horribly now that it was impossible to feel it again. And Lan Wangji knew, with a bitter certainty that had settled into his bones years and years and years ago, that there would never be another.
Because Nie Huaisang had been a friend of the one Lan Wangji mourned, he felt he owed him at least a little explanation, but it could wait until he had finished reading the books that had been sent. It was more than he’d been hoping for, to simply be given the materials he needed rather than told how to find them on his own, and he was grateful.
The reading list proved useful, and the education was much more comprehensive than what he’d been able to find in his own sect’s library. Despite the lack of entertaining material, Lan Wangji found that when he was restless and agitated at night relief came easier. He knew a little more about how to touch his own body now, things he might not have thought of on his own. He knew enough to explore himself better, to search out places that made him feel good and decide his own preferences, but it was also easier to conjure the images he needed to bring his heart closer to the surface. By the time he had finished the books he was sent, read in absolute privacy in the time between the conclusion of his daily duties and when he went to sleep, he felt much better educated on the whole idea of intimacy.
His next letter was easier to write, despite the foreign intimacy of it all. Though he felt nothing of that kind for Nie Huaisang, Lan Wangji had to admit there was something decidedly intimate about discussing this sort of thing and sharing materials.
Nie-xiong,
I appreciate greatly both the reading material and your discretion, as well as your trust. All of this is somewhat strange to me, as I am certain you are aware, and it is a comfort that you seem rather at ease with it, whether that is illusion or not. Your reading order was very helpful, and I feel I have learned much. Since you stated that these texts come from your personal collection, I have sent them back to you to be returned to their proper places. I hope they have arrived in good condition, though the box you packed them in did seem rather sturdy. If you see fit to continue my education in this matter, I would be grateful.
As for the matter of your concerns, I assure you that I have ever, and will ever, only have my eyes on one person. Without him, I am left emptier than the skies above the mountain that is my home, where even the clouds dare not go and birds cannot breathe. As crude a method as it seems, my interest in this particular kind of education stems not from a desire to forget him, but rather the need to remember. His warmth, the sound of his laughter, the way he made me feel whenever I looked at him, all feel closer, more present and real, when I indulge in pleasures of the flesh. I want to keep him with me, always, and I will pursue any means to achieve that end. I am still in mourning, and I will remain so until my own death comes and I may join him once more.
Wangji
It was odd and foreign to bare himself this way before anyone who was not his own brother, but not only did Lan Wangji feel indebted to Nie Huaisang, but he also felt a deep certainty that the man would sympathize at least a little. In their own ways, they had each loved the same person, and in their own ways they both mourned. Perhaps Nie Huaisang was right, and they were not so dissimilar as they seemed on the surface. The thought was not unwelcome, though perhaps unexpected.
Wangji-xiong,
I sigh over your letter even as I pen my reply. Who knew you had such a romantic heart! Well, perhaps I suspected, at least a little, but the depths of it are truly stunning. And I am entirely certain that what you have just entrusted me with is barely the first drop in an ocean. I apologize profusely for my terrible accusation, and bow before the force of your sorrow. I cannot say that it is something I share, despite mourning still as well, but I appreciate the gravity of it all the same. I miss him, too. He pulled me from my own comfort into something new and wonderful that I never would have seen on my own, and I will always be thankful for the smiles he shared and the ones he caused. He was unique, and good, and I will miss my friend always.
Ah, but enough of that. My own words seem shallow and insincere beside the might of your own poetry. I’ve included more books for you! I hope this guise of official sect business has kept suspicion away, but we can come up with a more solid excuse for regular communication if you wish. Though I recall that lying is against sect rules, perhaps we can come up with something to share in truth and simply include this other business with it? Or you can simply stare down any who dare to question you in stony silence until they scurry away and never ask again! Your choice, my friend, your choice.
Again, I’ve included a reading order for you, but I think it’s less important with this set. More educational materials, but also this time I’ve included some entertainment. I’m afraid I don’t know your preferences even a little, so I’ve included as much variety as possible. Do not be afraid to turn away from any you dislike! I think this section of education must be about exploration. There is so much to consider, and you must decide for yourself what you like. There’s so much more to intimacy than the simple mechanics you’ve learned so far.
I realize this part will likely be more difficult both to consider and to share with me. Would it help if I share a little, in return? That way, we can be on more equal footing and perhaps you will not feel as though you owe me so much? Let’s try it! You don’t have to read this part of you dislike it, and please tell me if you do and I will never write anything like this again! I simply seek your comfort.
Let’s see, for certain I enjoy being on the receiving end of a man’s attention, but far from passive. Passivity is not in my nature, you see, despite what my brother would believe. I enjoy being active in a way that is not always expected. I have tried it the other way a few times, and it is not that I didn’t find it pleasurable to be inside a man, it was simply that I crave a different kind of give and take. There’s a certain vulnerability to being taken, even when you’re taking in return, that appeals to me in a way I cannot describe. Perhaps I will find the words if forced to think on it!
I do admire greatly those who enjoy taking. There’s an energy required of it, and a keen eye for your partner’s comfort, that is less present on the other side. It’s not just dominance, but also compassion, because it becomes a little too easy to chase your own pleasure at your partner’s expense. A fine line to walk, and one I struggle with. I don’t have the power of personality to enjoy the taking as much, I think.
Tell me if this mutual sharing thing is helpful or not. I admit I’ve never really spoken to anyone about it, not even those I’ve leant my collection to. It might be nice, if you were so inclined, to do so.
Huaisang
The included reading, sent in the same chest as before, was indeed varied, and much of it made Lan Wangji’s ears burn. He felt as though he ought to be ashamed, despite having sought this and understanding the basic fact that it was more or less natural. Even so, some part of his strict Lan upbringing told him that this was shameful. He told that part to go die in a hole. There was nothing wrong with what he was doing, he reasoned. It was important - and encouraged by his sect - to understand himself and his body. Anatomy of both sexes was included in Gusu Lan basic education, though how they could interact was left out. Basic psychology was included as well, since people were often as dangerous as the creatures cultivators hunted. A strong sense of self was sought through meditation. It wasn’t that different to seek sense of self in the context of his sexuality. And perhaps it was something that should be added to the sect’s basic education, to prevent the feelings of shame he had experienced for most of his life and was only now beginning to push past. Tradition was no excuse for continuing a harmful practice, after all.
With these thoughts held firmly close, Lan Wangji determinedly looked through each and every book included. A few he closed early due to boredom or discomfort, but there were several that sparked his interest, and one that made him pull those thoughts of self-validation closer than ever. If the text existed then he was not alone in these thoughts. And if Nie Huaisang, who was clearly far more experienced in this matter, thought it worth including then it was not something he should be so ashamed of. Even so, he had to spend several days meditating on both the concepts and the fact that it was okay to feel as he did before he was able to pen his reply and send the materials back.
Nie-xiong,
I appreciate your continued concern for discretion, but I believe it is unnecessary. When Brother asked why I have been receiving letters and packages from Qinghe Nie, I told him quite truthfully that we are discussing matters of education, many of which I feel should eventually be included in Gusu Lan’s standard education for juniors. Over these months that I have been receiving this assistance from you I have come to realize its importance. I have no idea how my peers have received similar education, for it certainly did not come from our teachers. The strict rules that govern nearly all aspects of our lives here in Gusu Lan also mean that I have never overheard even in passing anyone of my sect discussing such things. Certainly some education must be passed somehow, or else children would not be born here, but I am gaining more and more doubts as to its effectiveness and scope. This seems wrong, that our juniors should be left in the dark about their own bodies, to fumble blindly through the urges of puberty and likely feel ashamed of it all. However, the method of remedying this with the approval of the elders continues to elude me, and requires more thought. Your insight would be welcome, if you have any.
Your sharing does help, and I thank you for it. It is not necessary if you would prefer not to, but I do feel more comfortable with my choice of words for myself having read yours in turn. I realize that I must share more of myself than I had anticipated at the start of this in order for it to be effective, though I had also not expected you to be willing to educate me yourself, and share your own reading with me. Perhaps it will feel easier, in time.
These materials are indeed varied, and seem quite thorough, and I appreciate the thought that must have gone into the choice of each one. I have gravitated towards the gentle romance of Flowers Upon Your Lips, as well as, to my own consternation, the much more aggressive nature of Bind the Wind to the Mountain. Though it seems a little contrary, I have enjoyed the thought of both of these contrasting dynamics existing side by side, that one could be so rough and domineering to the enjoyment of one’s partner and then care for them as softly as the couple from Flowers. Whatever marks have been left, whatever ache remains in the body, I like the thought of soothing it afterwards.
Through much thought and some experimentation, I have come to realize that I would prefer to take, though I am uncertain if I like your word for this. The compassion you mentioned as being a key component is possibly what I enjoy more than the dominance. Ever have I yearned to take care of him, to be allowed to safeguard him from harm, to keep him happy at my side. The thought of working him open to the sound of his pleasured noises brings me greater joy than I had thought to expect, and this vulnerability that you have stated to be part of submitting would be the greatest gift from him. I have always craved the trust that would require. But he always delighted in my fury, in any loss of control he could wheedle out of me, and I have long wondered if that would extend to the bedroom as well. Would he laugh if I pinned him to the floor, and revel in his victory? This is a thought worth exploring. Though, given his own refusal to allow anyone to care for him, to accept any help from any source, I wonder if he would truly have been open to such things, if he would enjoy the vulnerability that you crave. More thought is required.
In putting these thoughts in ink, I have come to the realization that I will never be able to extract him from this education, and these thoughts I treasure in the dark. I wonder, now, far too late, if he would be angry with me for it. Both the thoughts, and the sharing of them, that anyone should know how deep my affections run. And I realize, now, far too late, that you have become the only one I have ever admitted such feelings to. I am uncertain how to feel about that, if I should be ashamed or relieved. He would not have welcomed these thoughts, had I been capable of voicing them, yet it still feels like a betrayal of sorts that he should not be the first to know. Despite the impossibility of it, I still feel as though I should have confessed and asked his permission before pursuing this.
Wangji
Wangji-xiong,
Your thoughts on the education of our juniors are almost revolutionary for your sect! I have a difficult time imagining your elders ever consenting to such education. Certainly discussing such things would be considered lewdness, which is forbidden by at least three separate rules. The lesson plan would have to be carefully constructed, and the instructor even more carefully selected for friendliness, approachability, and discretion. Any class on the sexuality of the human body would need to feel as safe as possible to be effective, and to be approved by the elders would likely be restricted to the educational texts rather than explorative, but perhaps further reading could be offered optionally? You are, as ever, quite correct that this requires great thought. It is, however, a lovely idea. It would avoid so much confusion in growing children, I think, and I must say that I approve. I will think on it some more, as well.
You mentioned contrasting dynamics, but I don’t find them contrasting at all. I think it returns to that theme of compassion again, and I could only yearn for someone so sweet as to bring me to my breaking point and then help me piece myself back together afterwards. I like to break my partner a little, from beneath, and I believe it is both courteous and necessary to offer comfort in the aftermath. Though the trust required, as you mentioned, is both difficult to come by and difficult to give. Still, it is the greatest gift, and something to be sought after, earned. I’ve included more texts along this vein, of both sweetness and fire, often intertwined. Again, this is a spectrum of soft to hard. There is endless variety available, if you know where to look. I did have to look outside of my own collection for many of these, but it was a pleasure, I assure you. I hope you find them enlightening.
If I may offer my insight into the matter of whether he would have liked these ideas you have, having known him as I did and having discussed these things with him at least a little? If it’s not too presumptuous of me to suggest, I believe he would have. Having seen him in a slightly more casual atmosphere during our study at Cloud Recesses, and having seen him bantering with his brother, I believe rather strongly that the particular variety of power his personality had suggested would lend itself well to what you suggest. He caused chaos not by throwing something across the room, but by poking and prodding until others began to throw things. That seems receptive rather than projective, wouldn’t you say?
As to the matter of his affections, and his receptiveness to your own, I dare not offer comment. I did not witness the two of you interacting after he left the Cloud Recesses nearly enough to have formed opinions. I believe I can say, however, that whether he knew it of himself or not he was capable of harboring affection towards men. The vocabulary he chose and the way he looked suggested such, and as you know he was quite the accomplished flirt. I am uncertain if this is helpful or painful, and apologize.
As for whether it is immoral to discuss these things with me, I think that in the context of education it is merely that: educational. As you said, without this information I would not be able to choose, ah, continued lesson plans. If it makes you uncomfortable, however, you are, of course, free to cease your lessons at any time. I will not be offended, if it worries you. I understand that this is a rather delicate situation we have found ourselves in, and don’t wish to burden you with these worries.
Huaisang
The letter and box arrived two days after the news of Nie Mingjue’s death by qi deviation, and Lan Wangji felt his heart break for this strange friend of his, who had likely sent off the letter he held in his hands mere hours before the event. Despite knowing that nothing would have likely changed, he couldn’t help but feel that Nie Huaisang should have been focusing on his brother rather than on Lan Wangji’s selfish requests. He couldn’t imagine what the man was going through, having witnessed his beloved brother suffer such a fate. Even the thought of such a thing happening to his own brother gave Lan Wangji cold chills. It was unthinkable.
Feeling as though it would be disrespectful and a waste not to, he dutifully went through all of the provided materials before packing them up to send back. But he had a feeling that this was likely the end of their unusual correspondence.
Nie Huaisang,
There are no words to convey my sorrow at your loss. I am certain that many others have stated the significance of this loss to you, and I am equally certain that it offers little comfort. Let me say, instead, that your method of mourning is your own, and there are no traditions, no suggestions from others, that should dictate how you attempt to cope. Your loss is your own, and it belongs to no other.
Take care of yourself, allow yourself room to breathe wherever you can in the midst of the chaos that must now surround you. And know that I have deeply appreciated all that you have done for me.
Lan Wangji
He expected no reply, since it was most likely that Nie Huaisang would have no more time for such frivolities. In any case, Lan Wangji doubted his need for further education. Whatever he had not yet figured out he would discover with time, and the whole exercise was hypothetical regardless. He owed no one a deeper education on the subject matter, and never would. The only one he may have used such knowledge on was long dead, and only the memories remained to warm his bed at night.
It was a shock, then, to receive another letter and the same box six months later.
Wangji-xiong,
Chaos is a good word for what surrounds me now. Sect Leader, they call me, and I still turn around expecting my brother to be standing behind me to answer. I don’t know how this happened, really. I don’t know what to do now. I shouldn’t be Sect Leader, I’m not my brother. I’m not strong like him, I’m not confident like him, and heavens know I don’t inspire any awe in my disciples. How disappointed he must be, wherever he is now…
Ah, but I did not set out to write this intending to bury you in my insecurities. It turns out that I find myself very much in need of a distraction, and this correspondence between us had been a pleasant activity for nearly two years. I find myself missing it, now. Is that strange? I enjoyed the opportunity to speak of things most shy away from without shame, and your forthright way of approaching the subject matter is refreshing and welcome. In fact, your forthright nature is something I miss in a more general sense these days, while I am subjected to so many new duties and the often false offers of sympathies flung at me from all directions.
But you are right, as ever. My mourning is my own. They tell me I must cry, they tell me I must remain strong. They want me to throw myself into work, they want me to take time off. No one agrees on what I should do, and so I do not listen. I paint my fans, I visit his shrine, I think on my life up to this point, and, it seems, I search for literature to entertain my friend. Can I call you that, now, after all this? I hope so. I could use a friend, these days.
If you have no desire to continue this, I understand and respect that. My own wish for this is rather selfish, after all. But know that I appreciate your friendship until now, all the same.
Huaisang
Nie-xiong,
I was quite surprised to receive your package, but your correspondence is welcome. I am pleased to be considered your friend, for I have thought of you as such for a while now. Thank you for thinking of me even now, it humbles me.
Perhaps it is an unconventional method of coping, but I am the last one to tell you there is anything wrong with it. I did not suggest we continue merely because this began as part of my own selfishness and I would not ask anything of you when you have so much else to do. That you wish to continue is another matter, and I will gladly continue to benefit from your kindness. The books you sent were thoughtfully chosen. Am I wrong to believe you have spent quite a while selecting them? Regardless, they are lovely, and bring me more comfort than I expected to find.
Perhaps it is inappropriate of me to say this, but perhaps it will help. The ache in my chest has never faded, no matter how much time has passed. My body pains me with the memory of what once was, and what will never be. This pursuit of education is the sweetest of torture, the kindest pain, because even as it makes me feel closer to his memory it reminds me of all that I allowed to pass me by, and all of my regrets. I have said this to no other, not even to my brother even though I suspect he knows all the same, but I carry too many regrets in my heart to be counted. None of them are the ones the world at large thinks I should carry, however. I care not for their opinions, and I bear this hopeless love with pride. It will hurt for all my days, but better that than to forget a good man and who he truly was.
Wangji
Wangji-xiong,
Ah, this poetry you write to me truly soothes the soul. I appreciate your thoughts, and that you trust me enough to put them in ink for me. I will treasure this piece of you that you have gifted me, and care for it as it deserves.
Hanguang-jun is too modest, truly. What you asked of me was never selfish. And I could have recommended a few merchants to you rather than continuing our correspondence. But in truth I enjoy this. There is a peculiar sort of freedom in discussing this, and I wish it was more commonplace. I still think your idea of including at least the basic version of this in general education is a sound one. In the months since I last had the opportunity to write, and while I was collecting more books for you, I’ve been idly putting in ink some thoughts about what a lesson plan might look like, how to get your elders to agree. Of course, these are mere thoughts and are written from the perspective of one who has lived all his life in the Qinghe Nie, and are likely not fitting for Gusu Lan. But in case there’s anything useful, I’ve included a better organized copy of my notes for you to review. A few of the texts I referenced in them have been included in your package, since they are not ones I sent you before. They are more basic than I thought you required, even at the beginning, but might do well for young teens.
There’s no need to keep sending the texts back, by the way. None of these are from my own collection and are not quite to my tastes any longer. Keep them, enjoy them, do as you like with them. They are yours, with my compliments.
… Ten years now. It felt like the end of an era, like the evening star had winked from existence and left the world adrift without direction. He was chaos, and purpose. He was rebellion, and salvation. It is almost blasphemy now, to say such things, but I remember too much to think otherwise. They all forgot what he did, who he was, as soon as he was inconvenient for them. I know that you will never forgive them for that. Know that neither will I.
They wear false faces to hide the truth of themselves, and it doesn’t sit well with me. It never did, it never will. I don’t know what to do about it, if there’s anything to be done at all. I don’t know how to face them, when I know how fickle they are. Do they believe these things they say? I don’t know that, either. I feel like I’m shrinking under the weight of it all. I miss him, and I miss my brother. I’m wandering a lonely mountain with no stars to guide my way and no sword to carry me home. I don’t know where to go from here, only that I have to keep moving.
Ah, but I’m blathering again. Apologies. Tell me if you think up a lesson plan, please. This problem has been a pleasant distraction from everything.
Huaisang
Nie-xiong,
I assure you, you do not blather. These worries are valid, though I believe that I may not be able to ease them for you. I am not a Sect Leader, and have no experience to draw from. I can sympathize, but not empathize, and I have no advice to offer even were it requested. Still, I am willing to listen if you should need to speak.
Your lesson plan is excellent. I revised it only a little, and brought it to my brother. A couple more edits, and we brought it to the man we believe would be most suited to teach it to our juniors. He asked for only two changes, easily accommodated, meant to ease the students even more. We then brought it to the elders. As predicted, their first reaction was outrage, but it was followed by an unexpected thoughtfulness. Perhaps they, too, have suffered from a lack of education on personal matters.
Despite this, they attempted to restrict the lesson material until it was no longer a useful lesson at all. I did not allow this, and Brother supported the decision. We have remained in deadlock on the issue ever since. The elders wish to restrict the information, as though it were sinful, or privileged, or somehow against the rules despite careful editing to ensure it is not. They expressed a desire to allow a deeper understanding of this issue to be taught to our disciples, yet then they butcher the lesson plan down to almost nothing. I do not understand. I’ve included a copy of the finalized lesson plan and would appreciate your insight on how to persuade them to allow true information to be conveyed, rather than heavily edited propaganda.
It seems that you know my tastes well, after so long. I have deeply enjoyed everything you sent. When I sent that first letter, I did not expect this to become the journey it is, but I admit I’m grateful for it. Not only for your insight, but also the continued achievement of my original goal. He will always be close to my heart, but now he is at the forefront of my memories. I do not dream of him bloodied and desperate and broken any longer, but rather as he was before that, as he should have always been. I hear his laughter as I wake, and I see his smile as I fall asleep. It is a comfort, and the ache in my chest is sweeter now. Even though his features fade slowly, inexorably, from my memory, his soul will always remain. I am grateful for the part you have played in this.
Wangji
Wangji-xiong,
It is a comfort to me, that you can find comfort after all this time. Maybe, someday, I can as well. There are always people on my doorstep, asking me for things I cannot give, things da-ge could have solved in an instant. For a man who was so brash, with such a temper as he had, he possessed more charisma than I knew how to appreciate. A Sect Leader should be charismatic, respected, strong. I am none of these things, and I think they resent me for it. I want to be a good leader for my people, but I don’t know how. I’m being pulled in every direction, and my dreams are still full of blood.
I do not expect advice in these matters, but being allowed to voice them somewhere, anywhere, even only in ink, is a relief. The distraction even more so.
I like your lesson plan very much, and I have no insight into the thoughts of your sect elders. But I ask, how much power do they truly have over whether this lesson is taught? Your brother is Sect Leader and he approves, you have the approval of the intended teacher. Perhaps it would help smooth the process if your uncle agreed with it, but between the three of you can you not implement the plan regardless of the opinions of stuffy old men?
I apologize for my rudeness. I shall copy your sect’s rules in repentance! If I only had a copy to begin with, that is.
Huaisang
Nie-xiong,
Please find included a copy of the Lan Sect’s four thousand one hundred and sixty-three rules. There are six hundred and twelve new rules since you studied here. I hope your repentance goes well.
You have raised a fair point. The elders have only as much power as they are given. Brother and I have bypassed them on this matter, as suggested. To my pleasant surprise, Uncle has supported this venture from the beginning, and even offered his grudging approval. He seemed conflicted about disregarding the opinions of the elders, but in the end he voiced no protest. Lessons have begun, and the students are shocked. They seem uncertain how to react to what must seem to be a drastic change, and look as though they are waiting for punishment after each class. Despite this, Brother assures me that the lessons are well received. The teacher is kind, and answers all questions with compassion and no judgement. Not that there are many, most students far too shy and, perhaps, repressed to voice questions. Perhaps they will relax, in time. Change comes slowly to the Cloud Recesses, after all. I hope this change will be for the better.
Wangji
Wangji-xiong,
Hanguang-jun told a joke! Thank you, thank you, Wangji-xiong. I have not laughed like that in far too long. No one would ever believe me if I tried to tell them! How tragic it seems, with tears of mirth still clinging to my eyes, that Hanguang-jun’s sense of humor seems to be the best kept secret of a generation!
I apologize for the light shipment this time, I’m having trouble finding more to interest you. One of my favorite merchants has closed shop. I will need to find another! Never fear, I enjoy this too much to give up now.
I am glad that the lessons seem to be going well. I’m certain that the students will relax, in time, and the elders will come to understand the benefits. I’ve been thinking of implementing something similar here with my own sect. I’ve included a lesson plan. What do you think? I’m still unsure if I should attempt it, I don’t have Hanguang-jun’s righteous reputation to bolster my case. However, news of your lessons has reached even here, and maybe that it is not unprecedented would help? Still, I wonder at the reaction to this being one of the few things I’m able to do with my sect. Would I be remembered as brilliant for following the Lan’s footsteps with this innovation, or mocked? Does it matter? I don’t know. Maybe now is not the time. It’s only been two years since da-ge passed, after all. I’ll think on it.
Huaisang
Nie-xiong,
It saddens me to see you losing confidence in yourself. The lesson plan is excellent, and from my limited knowledge of the Nie Sect it seems like it would suit your people perfectly. However, this matter is not mine to decide.
My small library of your gifts is growing a touch difficult to conceal, so the smaller shipment was almost a relief. The books are as thoughtfully chosen as ever, but I find myself thankful that no one but Brother visits me in my home, and he does not take an interest in my personal collection of books. I have taken to hiding them amongst my books of poetry and music, their covers redone for discretion, but they nearly number the same now as my more innocent books and this makes me a touch nervous even though I know I have no reason to be. I do not like to be seen, however, and perhaps this is the root of it.
That is not to say that I would prefer this to end, but the smaller quantity is appreciated.
The next generation of junior disciples is beginning their first night hunts, and I will likely be unavailable for a long stretch as I supervise and help them settle into their new roles. My own Sizhui is among them, and only here will I admit that I worry for him. He is bright and capable, but a father’s worry cannot be overcome with logic, it seems.
Wangji
“Lan Zhan! Lan Zhaaaaan! What’s this?” Wei Wuxian crooned with a grin, dangling a book between two fingers as Lan Wangji entered the jingshi. Pale eyes passed over it for a moment before turning away, and the figure dressed in white settled in to prepare a pot of tea before producing a jar of Emperor’s Smile from his sleeve.
“Lan Zhan! You’re not going to answer? Just going to try to distract me with liquor?” The man pouted dramatically, flopping into a seat beside his lover and leaning into him, attempting to look as pathetic as possible.
“You know what it is,” came the cool response at last, and not even Lan Wangji’s ears were pink.
“Shameless!” Wei Wuxian cried with a grin. “Hanguang-jun hides porn in his room, and feels no shame!”
Golden eyes at last fell on the man beside him and stuck there, the intensity nearly taking his breath away. “Every day,” was all he said.
Wei Wuxian cocked his head to the side, trying to decipher the code. “We had our every day this morning. We can have it again tonight! But after dinner? But what does that- Oh!” Eyes wide with realization, he grinned widely and hung on Lan Wangji’s arm. “You mean that this is how you learned? Hahaha, oh, Lan Zhan! I mean, I suppose I knew in an abstract, distant way that you had to have learned somehow, but this… I can’t even picture Hanguang-jun going out to purchase these books! How did you do it? Tell me every detail!”
“Did not,” Lan Wangji replied, pouring tea for himself and liquor for his lover.
A scoff sounded from his elbow. “Then how did you get them? Surely your brother didn’t-”
“Did not!” It was a little sharper this time, and a glare accompanied it. Wei Wuxian was unfazed.
“Then how?”
Lan Wangji was silent for long moments, before he finally said, “Nie Huaisang.”
For several heartbeats, there was only silence in the jingshi, and then Wei Wuxian was rolling on the floor laughing himself nearly sick with mirth. Lan Wangji, however, merely sipped his tea with his composure intact.
“Lan Zhan! So shameless! Hahaha, I love you so much!” The words were choked by laughter and the tears of mirth falling down Wei Wuxian’s face. Lan Wangji watched him with deep affection.
“You do.”
“Lan Zhan!”