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“There’s something you’re not telling me Leliana!"
Alistair had never spoken so harshly to her before, but he was out of patience and frankly, was a little hurt that she’d keep something so important from him. She was well aware that he considered anything involving Cullen to be of utmost importance.
Leliana looked to Dorian, a glint of reproach in her eye. He’d claimed that it was an accidental slip of the tongue over a friendly game of chess which tipped Alistair off that there was more to the story than the official report, and it was simply unfortunate timing, given that Cullen was due to depart with the Inquisitor's party for the Shrine of Dumat in less than a week. Dorian passively returned her gaze, accident or not he was clearly remorseless about the situation they were now in.
With a huff Leliana turned and tore a scrap of parchment, the quick stabbing and slashing of her quill indicating her frustration. As the bird winged it’s way to deliver her message they waited in uncomfortable silence for what seemed an age to Alistair, but was likely only fifteen minutes or so before Trevelyan arived at the top of the rookery stairs slightly out of breath.
At her arrival Alistair stilled his agitated pacing, visibly drawing a measure of calm to himself with some effort. Though the tense line of his shoulders and implacable blue stare he turned on her were obvious signs that his hold on it was tenuous at best.
“So,” Evelyn began awkwardly, taking a deep breath before bravely squaring up to face the usually jovial Warden. She cleared her throat, “I understand you have some questions, Warden.”
“The nature of which is classified, only inner circle council are privy-” Leliana fell silent at the raising of Evelyn’s hand.
In truth, the Inquisitor had been uncomfortable keeping this from Alistair from the start, but Cullen had wrung a promise of silence from each of them after the briefing, and until now the council had respected his wishes. She couldn’t blame Dorian for circumventing her gag order on a technicality, since he hadn’t specifically relayed any of the classified information from the Redcliffe mission. But it had been enough to spark Alistair’s suspicion, and now here they were. The Commander would be pissed, but right now he wasn’t present, and his already pissed partner was, so.
“What would you like to know about Redcliffe, Alistair?” she asked, keeping her tone low and neutral to diffuse the tension.
In an effort to reciprocate he also kept his voice even, he folded his arms and leaned back against the bannister to somewhat mitigate the inherent intimidation that came with a solid 6’4 frame. But his eyes never left her face, and the banked intensity begind them was palpable.
“I want to know what you saw, I want to know what you left out of the official reports. Specifically, what was so bad that Cullen’s presence in the Dark Future has never been mentioned."
“Ah,” she nodded, finally looking away. Evelyn herself leaned back against Leliana’s desk, the other two witnesses silent and all but forgotten, “I want it known that I never actually wanted this kept from you, but-“
“But Cullen made you pinky swear, I’m sure,” He waved it away, after all, he knew his love better than anyone.
Trevelyan had to give it to him, at least his anger wasn’t making him irrational. It was a comforting enough thought that she felt a little easier about telling a bona-fide Hero, of the horror’s she’d seen in his lovers future should they fail.
“It’s true, Dorian and I saw Cullen in the Dark Future, and I am sorry to have to admit that it was…it was beyond terrible.”
Alistair winced, and his shoulders sagged a little further at her genuine regret and empathy. He tried to brace himself for what was to come, but nothing could have prepared him for what Evelyn imparted about their visit to the future. The longer she spoke, with occasional anecdotes from Dorian, the more his panic rose until he was pacing again in stiff, jerky strides, and his knuckles were bloodless white fists at his side.
“No, no…” he shook his head in denial when they were done.
“I’m sorry, Alistair, we’re doing everything we can to make sure that never comes to pass-”
He spun to face his old friend, “So right now we still don’t know if we’ve avoided this Dark Future, or even how?” he asked intently.
Leliana only gave a small, sad shake in answer.
“No, I don’t believe, this isn’t, and you want to let him, No!” Suddenly the dam broke and Alistair was flung into a full blown panic attack. For all his size he moved swiftly, and he was halfway down the stairs before the others recovered from their momentary shock.
Alistair flew down the spiralled staircase two and three at a time and hit the rotunda floor at a run, there was a startled yelp from the tall elf behind him but he was beyond caring about manners. The sound of the tower door smashing against the wall made every occupant of the Commander's office jump and spin.
“Everybody get out, please,” his voice was thready and his eyes were wide and glassy,” please, I-I need you to leave, all of you leave, now, please leave-”
Cullen recovered quickly and gave his gathered subordinates the nod to exit, waving off their concerned glances as they shuffled out. Making his way over to his distraught partner Cullen closed the door behind them before enfolding a trembling Alistair in his arms. It was clear his love was having a panic attack, and there was a very short list of things that might have triggered it.
He didn’t need to guess what had caused this meltdown as Alistair clung to him and the words came tumbling out.
“You can’t go! You need to promise, I want you to promise me that you’ll stay here, with me, far far away from any red lyrium. Promise me, Cullen!”
“Oh, my love,” Cullen tightened his grip, holding Alistair close with a steadying hand cradling the back of his head as he tried to soothe the edge off, “It’s alright, hush love, you're okay.”
The words stopped but Alistair’s still gripped enough to bruise, and he could feel the shivers that ran through his body in waves, and the frantic breaths against his ear. He looked up as the door opened again revealing a tight-lipped Spymaster, a curious mage, and the Inquisitor, whose countenance expressed only deep concern.
Cullen drew back a little to try to make eye contact with his anxious lover, rubbing soothing circles on his back, but Alistair was glazed over. To get his attention Cullen slid his hand around to cradle Alistair’s jaw, swiping a gentle thumb back and forth across his cheek. He place a tender kiss on the high cheekbone, “Come back to me, my sweet,” he murmured lowly, and continued to press his lips to Alistair’s face among the soft words. After a moment Alistair blinked and his gaze cleared, and on the next kiss he released a big exhale, flexing his fingers in the fabric of Cullen’s clothing.
Now that he was responsive again Cullen chastely pressed his lips to Alistair’s and pulled back so they could see eye to eye, though both arms remained loosely wrapped about him as a tether.
“So, someone told you about Redcliffe, did they?” He flung a reproachful glance at the three who still lingered in the doorway, noting that at least the Inquisitor had the grace to look sheepish as they stepped into the office and closed it.
“You can’t go to Dumat,” Alistair began again, somewhat more rationally than his previous attempt to communicate, “Cullen, no-one knows if that horrible future is still on the cards, which means that if you go anywhere near that red shit there’s still a risk! But if you stay here then there’s no risk of exposure at all, so please, please don’t go."
He was pleading, and Cullen felt his chest tighten at how desperate he sounded.
“I know that you’re doing this atonement thing, and I understand that’s important, I do, and it is! But you can make it up in other ways! You’re doing so well, you’re helping so much from right here but you can’t do that if you get infected, so I need you to not go,” he was winding himself up again, “and I mean, you’re a soldier- a Commander!- and a very good one, capable, and I’m not saying you can’t take care of yourself in a fight but, really what is pride worth if you’re dead-“
Cullen cut him off with another kiss, but this time he lingered. Alistair was right, he’d wanted to go but it wasn’t worth the damage his leaving could cause between them, let alone the very real risk to his health from red lyrium exposure. But not only that, Cullen was overwhelmed with an intense wave of love and gratitude for his partner. For the most part they’d each worked through their mutual feelings of inadequacy that had almost stalled their relationship at beginning, but sometimes the depth of Alistair’s care, and the earnest way that he loved Cullen floored him, and he was flooded with appreciation for the precious thing they’d built together.
They parted, and Cullen cupped his darling’s face in both palms, “Alright,” he said with a small crooked smile.
“But Cullen, if-wait, what?” Alistair blinked.
“I said,” he kissed Alistair’s startled mouth again, “alright. I’ll stay.”
“You won’t go to the shrine?”
“No.”
“Okay, so you are saying, that you will not be going after Samson yourself?”
“That is correct.”
“But, hang on, why?”
“Because you asked me not to,” Cullen replied gently, tracing a line of Alistair’s lower lip with an idle thumb, “and you are more important to me than a mission which honestly, I’m just not needed for.”
“Well, huh. O-okay then. Good!”
Cullen smiled warmly at his love, who rewarded him with a brilliant if slightly damp grin, before turning to the silent trio still standing in the corner of his office.
“Inquisitor, I’m afraid I must withdraw from the party travelling to Dumat. I have other commitments of higher priority, my apologies.”
“Uh, no-no problem. That’s um,” Evelyn cleared her throat gruffly and gathered herself, “I understand Commander, your work here is invaluable so I’m just as inclined to have you remain to oversee things while I’m away. So… keep-keep up the good work, gentlemen!” She nodded decisively at the pair that still stood in a loose embrace, turned on a heel and ushered their reluctant companions out the door.
“I’m sorry-” Alistair began when they were alone again, cheeks pinking with delayed embarrassment.
“No, there’s no need. You are right, it’s not essential that I go on the mission, and there is less risk of the Dark Future eventuating if I remain at Skyhold.”
“Sure but, your boss, I may have-” Alistair winced.
“She understands, I assure you, and she'll think no lesser of you for it."
Alistair looked unconvinced.
"After returning from Redcliffe and briefing the council, Evelyn and Dorian sequestered themselves in her quarters for two days. Hearing about it was distressing enough, as you now know, but seeing it…I cannot imagine," he sighed, and gave Alistair a squeeze, "Both she and Dorian had needed some time to recover, and for two days Bull tended to them, they wouldn't allow anyone else in. From what Bull has told me of that time, your reaction was not out of place. I am sorry for that, by the way. I had hoped to spare you that experience.” Cullen brushed a palm over his sweetheart’s red-blotched face.
“I know why you did it, and I’m not mad, but please love, no more of that? I think we’ve gotten past that stage by now,” his eyes darted over Cullen’s face, seeking understanding.
“I promise,” he said, and sealed it with a soft kiss.
“I think I need a nap,” Alistair pulled back and yawned expansively, “blind terror really takes it out of you.”
Cullen chuckled, pleased to see the sparkle had returned to his lovers startlingly blue eyes, “Let me lock up, and I believe I’ll join you. I could use a little rest before afternoon drills.”
Alistair beamed, snuggling with his own personal Commander for a nap on a warm afternoon was one of his favourite things to do. He pulled Cullen in for a meaningful, lingering kiss, allowing all their love for one another to flow between them. And when they parted their hearts were full and happy.