Chapter Text
Chapitre 1
-" In that dark eternity , in that long wait , like
sunshine you fell down to me.
Before i let go of you , i didn’t know that the world i was in was this lonely.
Pretty flowers bloomed and then withered away here , but the season of you never came again.
I started to become greedy i wanted to live with you , grow old with you , hold your wrinkled hands and talk about how warm my life has been .
I will never forget you
Someday we will meet again and it’ll be our happiest day and i will go to you like the first snow.
I will go to you."
Ailee ( I’ll go to you like the first snow).
Its been 500 years since that day , the day my world collapsed and crashed me , i wish i could say and killed me but it didn’t ,it fucking didn’t ... so surprise surprise I’m immortal but just to clarify immortal as in can’t die not invincible so i could get hurt and bleed and almost die , almost ... i can survive anything , i learned that the hard way of course ...in that day i died too , not biologically but i still died inside i just layed there on that fucking lake by the shore for days i don’t really remember everything since that day and the first two or three years that followed , i do vaguely remember being picked up from the lake and taken to Camelot i didn’t talk and i didn’t really need to , gwen only needed to take one look at me to know what happened , i left the night of the funeral with no goal no direction i just kept walking and walking and walking i slept whenever or wherever i felt tired didn’t remember to eat or drink for weeks didn’t light up fire to warm myself up or keep predators away didn’t care about the fact that i was sleeping out in the open in woods full of bandits , i just really honestly didn’t care , didn’t even think , i don’t think i thought about anything in those years I’d forget to blink , hell sometimes id forget to breathe and only wake up from my haze by a burning sensation in my lungs , i felt nothing but numbness couldn’t cry , couldn’t do anything i just walked and walked , i remember running into bandits and getting the shit kicked out of me , broken ribs broken bones broken everything i remember just laying on the ground unable to move and then getting up again and continuing walking in a few minutes like nothing happened when i shouldn’t be able to properly heal for weeks i guess i should’ve noticed then that something was wrong but i just never really cared so i just kept walking it was only when one day i hit a dead end i reached the end of the forest and i was standing on a high cliff with just water underneath it for as far as i could see so i figured well this is it and i jumped . the water was ice cold and i started sinking i closed my eyes i was drowning and i didn’t fight it my lungs burned from the water filling them and the lack of oxygen and then the world went black i thought this was it im coming arthur. And then i felt a horrible burning sensation in my lungs and throat and i still wouldn’t fight it i thought just a little just a little bit more and it’ll all be over soon , the pain was agonizing and after about what felt like hours i realized what was happening i cant die , i panicked , before the drowning and not dying i didn’t actually think about dying , like i said my mind was empty , blank , the thought that i can end this pain and be with arthur again by dying didn’t really occur to me because well i WASNT THINKING but now that it had occurred to me and that i know about this possibility and that i also know that its no longer a possibility for me i lost my shit i started screaming under water i swam up and then conjured a boat and hopped on it i was panting like crazy but not because of the fact that I’ve been under water for more than an hour but because of this new immortal merlin bullshit , i couldn’t believe it so i conjured a dagger and stabbed my self in the heart with no hesitation , i felt something far more than pain it was terrible i couldn’t even scream the blade pierced my heart i could feel it and i kept feeling it i started bleeding i thought hopefully maybe i was wrong after all so i ripped the knife out to bleed out and then just like that i stopped bleeding and i watched my wound heal in a matter of seconds i was so shocked i fainted - i shit you not i did - it was nighttime almost dawn maybe and when i woke up again it was night again probably slept for a day from the state of my clothes they were dry now . And ever since then i started trying to kill myself i tried everything i felt like fucking shit i felt horrible , not from the constant suicide attempts and the pain that came with them but from thinking that im failing arthur , kilgarrah said he would rise again and obviously the reason i suddenly became immortal had to do with that but ever since i snapped out of my numbness and emptiness and emotionlessness that were caused by shock and started thinking about how beautiful and peaceful death is i couldn’t stop trying , on my 1739472929 attempt when i tried to take my life with the deadliest snake venom and i simply throw it all up after an agonizing few hours of poison working its way to my heart i broke down and started sobbing and screaming and then the idea came to me i need excalibur i need EXCALIBUR excalibur can kill anything but the problem is excalibur is with arthur in Avalon ... so i figured ill make a new one i knew this was really it and i really wanted it to be excalibur , arthur’s sword ...but that wasn’t an option and then it hit me the memory of arthur asking me what do girls like as gifts when he wanted to get morgana something for her birthday and i told him that they liked beautiful things so he got her that beautiful dagger that she later tried to use to kill uther i was determined to get it i knew it was in the vaults in camelot . it had been almost 3 years since i left camelot i felt terrible for only thinking about going back to get the dagger and die , felt terrible for not thinking about gaius or gwen or gwaine - he didn’t die that day he was just badly hurt and lost his memory of the last days because of morgana’s torture , i saw him at the funeral - or percival or leon i was so selfish and disgusting and it made me want to die even more -if it was possible to want to die more than i did - and above all i felt scared going back for the first time after what happened with my mind fully working this time i was terrified but i knew i had to do it ... i went at late night when everyone was asleep , i wanted to see them one last time but i didn’t want them to see me . the moment i stepped foot in the citadel and saw the castle i felt dizzy and the world started spinning around me spinning so fast and i felt like someone dropped the weight of the world on my shoulders and like every single human was stepping at my chest at once and all the memories of me and arthur started coming at me from every direction , me and arthur training or mostly arthur training using me as a punching bag , memories of arthur putting me in a headlock and ruffling my hair , memories of putting arthur into his armour to prepare him for training or a tournament or battle or one of our missions against sorcerers threatening the safety of the people of Camelot , i thought of all the near death experiences and the threats and the dark times we went through but they all felt like happy memories now , all of them , because now i know that what really mattered and what really matters and what will always matter is having each other now i know that i would willingly and happily run to hell’s open doors with Arthur I’d jump into a lion’s mouth with Arthur I’d be against the whole wide world with arthur until the very end of time i would die for arthur and if i can’t I’d die with him and that thought brought me back to reality , when did i fall on my knees ? When did i start crying ? I didn’t remember so i got up and took a deep breath and headed towards the vaults i made the guards fall into deep sleep with a swing of my hand and a flash of golden eyes opened the vaults’ gates with the same motion i located the dagger easily and left , i went to where the knights slept i muffled the sounds of my footsteps with magic , the door to the knights chambers flew open soundlessly with a flash of gold from my eyes i stepped in and watched how they were peacefully sleeping i didn’t realize how much i missed gwaine till i layed eyes on him , he seemed well ...beard well trimmed and taken care of , his hair was the same length as always handsome as ever he didn’t age much , curled up in his bed warm and sleeping deeply and calmly i thought about the last time i slept like that it was back when i still lived here the thought made my eyes sting and i felt tears gathering in my eyes i blinked them away and stared at gwaine for a little longer , thought about lancelot god i missed lancelot but I wouldn’t have to wait much long im about to join arthur and him i gathered my courage and watched gwaine inhale and exhale slowly a couple of times and then shifted my attention to percival he seemed good too and then with one more stare at gwaine i turned around and left closing the door behind me with a flash of gold again , i needed to see gwen next , sweet caring beautiful gwen , my friend gwen , i felt so sorry for her i left her when she needed me the most but i knew staying would’ve only made things worse there was nothing we could have done for each other i couldn’t help her and she most certainly couldn’t and could never help me , im hopeless whereas she has a chance to be happy again i don’t doubt that she loved arthur and he loved her but she wasn’t his other side of the coin she wasn’t his other half , his destiny she wasn’t born for him , if i stayed i would’ve only held her back and made her feel guilty for inevitably moving on while i didn’t.
i stood in front of her chambers ARTHUR’S CHAMBERS it wasn’t really standing i was more like frozen i forgot to breathe again - it became kind of a habit i still forget to breathe even now centuries later- and then like at the castle’s doors memories came crashing into me , so many memories at the same time each one demanding my total and absolute attention i kept spinning my head in every direction watching me and arthur sneaking in the corridors in the middle of the night probably going on some secret life endangering mission ..., me running towards arthur’s chambers with his breakfast and me running out of his chambers with piles of laundry in my hands then arthur throwing stuff at me and missing when he was the best knight in the 5 kingdoms and could easily hit me from an even further distance then me pulling the curtains and waking him up saying lets have you laisy daisy it was all so beautiful and overwhelming and i missed it god i fucking missed it , i was crying again and smiling like a madman , when the visions stopped i felt my heart stop with them i never wanted them to stop i wished they’d go on forever but they did and i was engulfed with nostalgia and grief and sorrow and i just knew i really had to do it i had to be with him again so i pushed the door to his chambers and slipped in Gwen was sleeping oblivious to my intrusion beautiful as always curly dark brown hair covering her shoulders and back like an extra blanket but she wasn’t alone next to her i could see sir leon i couldn’t help but smile at them i knew then that i had made the right choice when i left , gwen moved on and found love again and it made me feel better -to know that my friends we’re doing good - about taking my life , feeling like I’m invading their privacy i swiftly turned around and left closing the doors behind me like i was never there .
I strode off towards the court physicians chambers : Gaius ... the father i never had . I was thinking that all i needed was go see him and quickly get out of the citadel head to the woods summon Aithusa to forge the blade in her breath - i knew kilgarrah would refuse to help he was weak and dying anyways i could feel it despite not seeing him ever since that day when he told me about the prophecy i guess that’s part of being a dragonlord -and then stab myself in the heart and go to Arthur ,i started running to gaius’s chambers i wanted to see arthur as fast as possible i wasn’t about to wait anymore . when i got there i noticed that the room changed it was cold and lonely and empty and lifeless i felt sorry for gaius for leaving him then and for leaving him again now but i had no choice i wasn’t about to stay here when i could be with arthur again .
Gaius wasnt in his bed i figured he was in the woods picking up some herbs for his medical potions it was almost dawn so i turned to leave feeling sad that I’d never get to say goodbye to him... , but just before i reached the door i heard a familiar voice calling my name i turned around and gaius was running out of my old room towards me i figured he was using it because it was the closest thing from me he had and i felt shame for what I’ve done and for what im about to do . He hugged me tight and i hugged me back the tears started falling from my eyes instantly i cried rivers and he didn’t say a word we hugged until i stopped crying and when we pulled away i looked at him properly and saw that he aged 10 years in those 2 or almost 3 years since ive been away , i felt a strong wave of guilt inside of me.
- « merlin ma boy where were you for god’s sake ?? » Gaius said .
- I tried to gather my strength and my voice to answer him which wasn’t easy because i haven’t really used it aside from the screaming during and after my failed suicide attempts « I’m sorry , im so sorry gaius » i said in a rusty voice .
- « Just sit down first...we’ll talk about it later if you don’t feel like it we have all the time in the world what matters is that you’re back now ... that’s all that matters » gaius said gently leading me to a chair to sit down.
- I felt terrible really really really terrible but it is what it is . « I’m .. I’m not back gaius , I’m sorry i really am terribly sorry but I’ve only came here to say goodbye I’m leaving for good this time im going to Arthur » i said crying again.
- « What ?? What are you talking about Merlin there’s no where for you to go Arthur is dead he’s gone , merlin please ».
- « No gaius you don’t understand the great dragon said that arthur will rise again when albion needs him , and i ...ive become immortal so i can’t wait to just naturally die to be with him again I WILL NEVER DIE so what’s the point in waiting i need to go to him now i know its selfish and i know that i should stay and wait for him because he will rise again otherwise why make me immortal but i just can’t do it i die everyday knowing he’s not there with me i have a plan a blade forged in a dragon’s breath can kill anyone and anything i will die and go to him gaius and stay with him until it’s time for him to rise again and then I’ll beg the gods to let me rise with him again and protect and help him like always we can be together again gaius, forever . » i said sobbing and choking on my own tears i even wondered if gaius understood me with all the choked sobs but he did from the shocked and horrified expression on his face , he grabbed my hand and gave me a sad smile.
- « i know about the prophecy merlin and you’re right arthur will rise again and if you’re immortal then that confirms it even more which means Merlin son ... Arthur is not in the hereafter because he’s not really dead he’s somewhere else waiting to rise again and if you kill yourself you’ll be dead for good and therefore in the hereafter not wherever arthur is . You are going to have to choose between your peace which is in death or Arthur. » that came as one hell of a fucking shock to me I’ll spare you the details but obviously without hesitation or second thoughts whatsoever i chose arthur i chose to wait for him no matter how much it takes , i stayed in Camelot with gaius and gwen and my friends my life then mostly consisted of spending every day working with gaius keeping myself busy and working myself too much so I’d be tired and sleep and not overthink arthur or worse dream about him only to wake up and find that he’s not there ,-those days were terrible I’d wake up sobbing and with a sever chest pain I’d stay in bed for days not able to move and taking sleeping potions that gaius made for me to sleep and not think and not dream and ease the pain- and I’d spend my free time -which wasn’t really because i wanted it gwen made me take days off she said i was a workaholic or something of course she didn’t know the real reason i was a great actor , after all i lied and convinced everyone including arthur that i was just a stupid clumsy servant for a decade when im the most powerful sorcerer to ever walk the earth - in the lake of Avalon just staring at it talking to it sometimes begging for a miracle and i guess that’s when it started , the voice , Arthur’s voice , i remember the first time i heard it i was in the lake staring again I’m pretty sure i had a heart attack - but obviously and sadly didn’t die- Arthur’s voice had said my name i got up and started screaming his name and running in every direction looking for him i even ran into the icy cold lake water searching for him crying and laughing while literally drowning in the lake water only to find nothing .nothing. Nothing at all and then i heard it again and again it started talking to me i understood it was only in my head i knew i was going mad but i loved it , i was going crazy but it made me feel sane , it made me keep going i had to hide the fact that i was hearing an imaginary arthur in my head especially from gaius who by then i managed to fool too and convince that i had moved on , and then I started seeing arthur , madness is truly a blessing i still see him now four hundred years later and its safe to say that even imaginary Arthur is the person that had mattered and still matters the most to me .
One night years after i came back to camelot gaius died in his sleep it was really devastating and made me worse if it was possible to get worse . then in what seems now like a few hours in my immortal life gwen died too then gwaine then Camelot fell and i went mad completely i know that you think a mad person wouldn’t know that they’re mad but i know i was and i know i still am i guess that’s one of the perks of being immortal , i like it though I’m much better now because i see imaginary arthur and talk to him all the time those first years were torture without him , i even remember....
i snapped my diary shut and throw it across the room "pathetic" i muttered , " sad , no no no no BORING yes yes boring is the right
Word " .