Chapter Text
Chapitre 9
-"you are my sunshine , my only sunshine , you make me happy when skies are grey , you’ll never know dear how much i love you , please dont take my sunshine away .
The other night dear as i lay sleeping i dreamt i held you in my arms , but when i woke dear i was mistaken so i hung my head and i cried ."
(You are my sunshine)
"Say hi to your daddy from me " i said right before i snapped his neck with a flash of gold . With a thud His body dropped lifeless to the ground .
-"WHY DID YOU DO THAT ???? HOW COULD YOU KILL HIM ?? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ?? HOW THE HELL DID..." Arthur yelled furiously.
-" im so sorry Arthur, but he killed me first"
-"what the hell are you talking about ?? You’re sick , you .." Arthur shouted at me , stopping when i made Liam apparate out of thin air .
Liam looked shocked and I’ve never seen him shocked he always had a dead indifferent look and that’s why i hired him.
-" LIAM HEY " i greeted him laughing madly now , there’s no reason to hide anymore , Arthur knows and I’ve lost him , i don’t have anything else to lose. I grabbed a handful of liam’s hair from the back of his head and pushed his head downwards so he would look at gabriel’s dead body and then i turned his head so he could face me .
-" do you know why i hired you Liam ? Why i broke you out of that prison ? Because i thought you were like me , you hated god and humans for abandoning you , you had so much hatred in you and i saw something in you , you were different so i gave you what you wanted most in life : a reason to live , and revenge from the society that failed and abandoned you . And i know i was right about you Liam because for 12 years you worked for me you were only 28 and now you’re 40 , you aged and i didn’t but you never questioned me , all those mortals i killed and you never asked me how i did it , you weren’t so curious and nosey like the rest of the mortals , you were loyal and i actually trusted you , which is why i need to know why you did it ? " i said calmly with a sad smile.
Like i said Liam was different , he quickly got over the shock and didn’t ask useless questions .
-"he kidnapped my wife and daughter " liam said
-" and ??" I said exasperated
-" he was going to kill them "
-"yes yes yes whatever that’s irrelevant just answer the question why did you do it ??"I said really exasperated , when did he become this stupid ??
He looked confused and didn’t say anything
-" well speak , did you swallow your tongue ??"
-"he had my family "
-"yes yes i know you already said that why are ............WAIT you snitched on me because he threatened to kill your family ???" I asked stunned
He tried to nod but my hand was still gripping his hair firmly so he just blinked.
-" THEY WERE MORTALS IF THEY DONT DIE TODAY THEYLL DIE TOMORROW OR THE DAY AFTER THAT OR EVEN A HUNDRED YEARS LATER , WHAT DIFFERENCE DOED IT MAKE ??? ITS LITERALLY NOTHING , YOU BETRAYED ME SO YOU COULD DELAY THE INEVITABLE HOW STUPID IS THAT " i yelled at him angrily , how could he be this stupid.
He looked horrified , eyes wide with fear . "I’m very disappointed in you Liam " i said as i ripped his heart out and crushed it into dust .
Arthur backed away from me a few steps I’ve never seen Arthur back away from something
-" im not going to hurt you Arthur ." I said softly stepping closer with old merlin’s smile even though he knows its just an act now . I don’t know what to do I’m lost. I really am lost.
For the first time since gabriel showed us the photos i locked eyes with him and i knew i was wrong it wasn’t fear in Arthur’s eyes it was anger and disgust and horror , he backed away because he was disgusted from me.
It really is over . I smiled bitterly
-" You killed two people in cold blood " he said quietly.
-" actually three " i said as i made hannah my other assistant besides Liam apparate.
-"Hi hannah " i said smiling brightly as i grabbed her chin and turned her face towards the bodies so she would understand why she’s going to die because i specifically warned her that I’d kill her if anyone talked . " bye hannah" i said right before i ripped her heart out too and crushed it into dust .
It all happened fast , between the ”actually three” and the "bye hannah" only a few seconds has passed . So Arthur couldn’t stop me .
He was shocked to the core , he punched me so hard i fell to the ground at once .
I couldn’t help but laugh i don’t know why , this wasn’t funny at all , but i just couldn’t stop laughing .
Arthur held me by my shirt’s collar and hauled me up and pushed me so hard against the manor gates .
-"DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY ???? YOURE A COLD BLOODED MURDERER , YOU DISGUST ME , WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU ???? HOW DID YOU END UP LIKE THIS ??? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU ??? " Arthur yelled , his face red , enraged
I laughed again and that earned me another well deserved punch .
-" do you wanna know why you came back Arthur ? I lied to you , i know why i know what the danger on albion is , and not just albion but the whole world , its me " i said smiling
He grabbed me by the collar again , panting and his Hands shaking .
-"Oh my god .." Arthur whispered horrified.
-" Nah , god is dead and i killed him ...i mean not really dead but he or they are as good as dead , they’re powerless in front of me , the only thing they had against me was you , so that day you came back Arthur , the exact moment you came back i was about to kill the toys i mean the mortals and then kill myself with this " i said conjuring the excalibur-like blade . " and then go to the other world and kill the gods. this and our life in Camelot , our destiny , everything we’ve been through ...its all just a sick twisted game to them they were using us to entertain themselves , they made Albion in danger only to save it , because this is all some sort of entertainment to them we are pawns , we’re toys , and you and i are their favorite toys , we are the big toys , they just love us and find us so entertaining to the point they’ve been playing with us for a millenium and a half while they play with the little toys -mortals- for just a few years before they threw them . "
-"Those nightmares i used to have , being somewhere full of light like i was in the sun , i had to squeeze my eyes shut so i don’t go blind and all i kept hearing was "dont trust him" , it was them , they were warning me that’s why your simple sleeping potion didn’t work because they were no ordinary nightmares , but then you put that protective spell on me and it made them stop , i knew the "him" the voice was referring to was you , but i didn’t doubt you for a second , i didn’t even tell you about the nightmares so you wouldn’t feel like you had to explain yourself to me , because i trusted you merlin more than myself."Arthur said angrily.
-"HOW DARE THEY TALK TO YOU " i shouted angrily , how dare they ??? My blood was boiling inside of me . I made thunder struck once and twice and then more i couldn’t stop i was so angry i wanted to hurt them ."GET DOWN HERE AND FIGHT" i shouted at the sky.
-"MERLIN STOP , YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE BECAUSE OF YOU , YOU DONT HAVE ANYONE BUT YOU TO BLAME " Arthur yelled at me shaking my shoulders so i would stop the thunder and the upcoming storm.
-"they know everything Arthur , they knew what would happen to me without you . And they still took you away." I said calmly , "you’re right maybe I’ve always had this darkness inside of me , but they knew that too Arthur and i know for a fact that they were counting on it because you came back on the same day i was going to wipe out life . So am i really the only one to blame ? All I’ve ever asked for was to die with you , everything i did Arthur , all the blood in my hands is on theirs too."
-" so its true then , you killed that man’s father , and you said you couldn’t even remember him from how much people you killed " Arthur said slowly , horror struck.
-"i tried Arthur , i really tried to be good , but i got bored , in that dark eternity and the mortals were so weak and delicate easy to break , it was tempting , very tempting , i managed to stop myself for a thousand years until the witch hunts , they were hunting down anyone involved in witchcraft." I said quietly , and then i smiled a big genuine smile " they attacked me " i said laughing now , "they tied me up to a stake and set me on fire " i said laughing so hard i had to grab the wall for support. "I felt something then -other than grief - , for the first time in a thousand years , i felt EXCITED. Do you know what i did Arthur ?" I said trying to steady my voice from all the laughing. " I BURNED THEM DOWN ALL OF THEM , THE WHOLE VILLAGE " i said with a big crazy smile .
-"STOP" Arthur said .
-" the men.."
-"I SAID STOP"
-" the women "
-"merlin no" Arthur breathed out
-"OH YES !! and the children , every last one of them ". I said smiling .
Arthur looked just like i felt.
-" it felt good , but i knew you’d never approve , so i justified what i did with just self defense .
And i promise you i didn’t kill anyone without them attacking me first for a long time" i said seriously , but then i smiled and continued "but then again i never hid my magic in a world where different meant dangerous so i guess that doesn’t make it any better."
-" i cant believe this , YOU ... merlin ... enjoying murderer .." Arthur said quietly looking at me with wide devastated eyes .
-" i believed in the gods , i believed in them and in your return for 1445 years Arthur , its true that i did bad things before but I’ve always needed a reason , I’ve always needed to justify why i did the things i did , i kept making up reasons for why i am the way i am for why i did the things I’ve done , even though deep down i knew why , it was because i was dark and mad and very bored and angry and sad and the mortals were weak and therefore very tempting. And the lying to myself and the need to justifie actually helped and i had you , well not really you but the imaginary you , sometimes the smell of blood would drive me out of control and i would lose myself , the only one who could find me and bring me back was him/you . But then the world wars started and i was the closest thing to happy , To be honest ever since you died i picked up a particular interest in wars , i loved them , the deaths the chaos ... they gave me hope , hope that you would come back and every time you didn’t i suffered great disappointment i would put myself to sleep for years just to numb the pain . But when world war one started i was so sure that you would rise again , it was terrible and i loved it , I’ve waited for you its entire time on the lake shores , and then it was over but i knew it wasn’t really over so i kept waiting hopeful and i was right just a few years later world war two started , it was pure chaos i spent the entire seven years of it on the lake shores , everyday and everynight Arthur , i would forget to blink , to breath , obviously i didn’t eat or sleep , just staring at the lake , thinking any second now he’ll be back FOR SEVEN YEARS Arthur for seven fucking years , and then the war was over and you still didn’t come back , the total number of military and civilian casualties in world war one was forty million , 56,4 million people died in world war two plus 28 million deaths from war related disease and famine , two nuclear bombings , it was the bloodiest deadliest war in human history "
I stopped talking because i was choking on my tears . I took a deep breath inhale and exhale , inhale exhale , inhale exhale , inhale exhale.
"After the wars it felt like sending you on that boat all over again , i thought that if you hadn’t returned then , it was because you were never coming back and the gods played me AGAIN , and that was IT for me Arthur . you are ... you are , the thing i love the most .. no no love is an understatement , my heart literally stopped beating when you died , because i died with you and only my immortality was keeping me standing , and i wanted to die so bad Arthur , i wanted it all to just stop ... but the only thing that could kill me is a blade forged in a dragon’s breath like Excalibur , but there are no dragons left but i was powerful and i knew i was getting more powerful as i age , i knew it was only a matter of time before I’m powerful enough to forge that blade without a dragon’s help and i had it all planned out , i was going to wipe out life and myself with it and then go to the hereafter and murder the gods and just ... well , cease to exist . And do you know what i did in all those years I’ve waited ? I’ve caused famine , war , diseases , I’ve mass murdered humans more than i can remember . And then that got boring too so i became an assassin and killed people like gabriel’s daddy . And then on one special day i had finally reached the power i needed and i was going to do it Arthur , but then you came back to me and i failed and it was the happiest day of my life . I was still planning on killing the toys i was going to give you some time to settle in and kill them all , make it look like a natural disaster that i was only powerful enough to protect the both of us from .... but i quickly let that plan go because i couldn’t bear to see you heartbroken , i know how much the mortals mean to you and nothing matters to me more than you Arthur Pendragon." I said calmly with a very genuine sad smile that old Merlin never had.
-" tell me you regret it , tell me you’re sorry? " Arthur said sounding very desperate , his voice breaking from crying too .
I couldn’t say anything , i couldn’t even look at him , i hated myself but this is who i am .
-" please , tell me merlin " Arthur whispered , his voice failing him , he sounded so helpless and desperate and devastated it felt like a blow to my soul.
-"i am sorry Arthur , to you . if i could take it back i would but i don’t regret any of it ."
-"you’re a monster. " Arthur said breathlessly , rage radiates from him , he was shaking violently , hands clutched into fists clearly stopping himself from hurting me , i wonder why ? I’d deserve it." There’s no excuses to what you’ve done ... its just pure monstrosity , and dont you dare say it was for and because of me , i was just your king , we had a destiny together , we were supposed to unite albion and legalize magic together and it didn’t work out , YES its sad , it’s terrible but that was it for you , our destiny was something out of your control, something you didn’t choose , it couldn’t have possibly affected you this way , you’re immortal and a millennium and half old , whats one person in all the lifetimes you’ve lived ???
. Its . Just . not . possible. " Arthur shouted.
-" Destiny ?? Do you think that was it ?? , well you’re wrong , things started with destiny but quickly YOU became my priority , i protected you , not because i had to but because i wanted to , i was always by your side , not because i was destined to but because i chose to , i stopped caring about destiny along time ago and started caring about you instead , do you remember the sorcerer Edwin who claimed to have a remedy that cured all ills , do you remember how your father appointed him to be court physician instead of Gaius and ended up being poisoned by him as a revenge for uther killing his parents , Uther was dying and according to our destiny i should’ve just let him die because our time cannot come until Uther’s has passed and those were the exact words The great dragon used . But i still saved him for you . Remember when uther had gwen’s dad executed and he and morgana went to visit her dad’s grave and they got attacked ? Well it was morgana who planned the attack , she was going to kill Uther so i followed them to stop her , she didn’t do it eventually but the point is , i was there to stop her in case she tried to , for you . And you saw old me on the mountain the day of the battle , did you remember me ? I was the sorcerer you brought to heal your father , i did try to heal him but morgana had agravain put a necklace on him that backfired my magic and killed him . But the point again is : i wanted to save him for you , it’s true that i wanted you to trust magic , that i wanted it to be legal again , that i wanted to stop living in hiding and fear but that came second to me and you were always first.
Do you remember that woman who was cursed to turn into a Bastet ? She was brought to Camelot by bounty hunters only to escape , do you remember how you and your men and the bounty hunters encircled her and how you mortally wounded her ? , her name was Freya and i loved her , i was even planning on running away with her , leave it all behind for her , and you killed her Arthur and what did i do ? I chose you , i thought i could leave you and be with her , i was young and stupid but now i know better there was no way i could’ve been with her because would i have still chose her if she killed you ? , I’ve always tried to sacrifice my life for you , do you seriously think I’d do that because a dragon told me to ? Everything I’ve done was for you Arthur , not the once and future king who was destined to unite the five kingdoms and legalize magic but you just you Arthur , YOU.
You said that we just shared a destiny we didn’t choose , a destiny that eventually didn’t work out , is that..., is , is that all i am to you ?"
-"No , of course not .but merlin your hatred for what the gods did to us is blinding you , it blinded you on the fact that you were doing to people exactly what you hated to be done to you , you played god merlin , taking lives and causing chaos , you’re just as bad as them , you are everything that you hate Merlin." Arthur said slowly with a very sad , sorrowful look , talking like he’s explaining to a two year old why he shouldn’t hit his brother.
-"no " i whispered , thats all i managed to say.
-"Yes merlin and do you know what else your blind to ? The fact that I AM a mortal too merlin , you told liam that his family’s life was short ana meaningless , that them dying today or tomorrow or even a hundred years later changed nothing. I know that a year to us feels like a day to you , so why did my inevitable death affect you this much ? Even if i didn’t die on camlann i would’ve died eventually , lets say i managed to live until i was a hundred years old , that’s like a few weeks to you Merlin , like you said , it doesn’t change anything , but it did .. so why ? The answer to that brings us to another thing you’re blind to , the fact that you were once a mortal too , that there was a time when a year actually felt like a year to you and a decade like a decade to you , there was a time when you felt just as powerless and helpless in front of the gods as the rest of us , you hurt me more than them merlin ." Arthur said and left.
I couldn’t say anything or even follow him , i was frozen.
‘But I AM the victim here’ i thought
( you are what you are Merlin , you’re no victim , you have a lot of darkness in you , just accept that but make sure you don’t act on it from now on .) imaginary Arthur said.
‘ he’s right... all those people I’ve killed , the , the children , i , i murdered them , they didn’t even know why they had to die .’
( you’ve made mistakes Merlin , its not too late , you have all the time in the world to fix this , you can be good now , you’re not completely bad ..-)
‘ fix what ??? I cant bring them back from the dead , do you think if i could we’d be in this mess now ?? And in what world am i not completely bad ??? Why didn’t you tell me ??? Why didn’t you remind me of who i am ??? Why did you let me play those people like i was played ?? You watched me kill all of those people ?? You stepped up to me from time to time but why didn’t you stop me for good ???’
( how could i ? You do realize I’m you and i only know what you know , i didn’t tell you any of that because i simply didn’t know too , i dont know why i stepped up to you , all i know is that sometimes you went too far and i couldn’t just watch , and that’s how i know you’re not completely bad because im the good part of you merlin . )
‘ didn’t you see the evil im capable of ? I’m dark and damaged beyond repair.’
( it is our choices that show who we truly are , far more than our abilities)
‘It doesn’t matter he hates me’.
I went searching for Arthur , he was standing by the lake shores , he heard me coming but didn’t turn around , i sat on the grass next to him facing the lake .
-" you’re right Arthur , and im sorry , i really am , to you and to all the innocent lives i took in my fight with the gods , i wish i could take it all back , i regret everything deeply , but i am what i am Arthur and i am not sorry for who i am. ." I said calmly , he still wouldn’t look at me."you know everything you need to know about this world , you’re a fast learner " i said smiling , " everything i own -which is a lot - is under your name too Arthur , you’ll never have to worry about money , my protective spells will remain on you until the day you die which is not going to be anytime soon thanks to them " i said , " even when im gone " i added.
-"what do you mean gone why are you telling me this " Arthur snapped at me , finally turning around to face me , clearly still angry .
-"You have every right to hate me and i cant make you stay with me , but i can’t live without you anymore either" i chocked out smiling sadly , trying to take as much of his face with me .
Arthur looked at me perplexed , while he was processing what i just said i added " im sorry , its been an honor to serve you sire" and i conjured my blade and aimed it towards my heart .
I heard a NOOOO and Just before the blade pierced my flesh it flew away .
I look around trying to figure out what just stopped my suicide attempt.
Arthur was standing over me with excalibur in his hand , he’s face red with so much emotions mixed together . He sank to his knees in front of me , dropped excalibur next to him and put his hands on my shoulders.
-" why ?" He whispered. " i have every right to hate you merlin , but i don’t , i told you merlin that you and i are different , what we have is different , and i need you , not the servant merlin or the sorcerer merlin , not even as the only person i have left from camelot but You , just you Merlin , YOU . Stay with me ."
And he pulled me in a very tight unexpected hug .
-" where did you get excalibur ? " was all i could say .
-" it suddenly showed up on the lake water just when you conjured yours " he said bitterly.
-"im sorry " i said genuinely tightening my grip around him ." i wonder why"
-" i owe my life to whoever put it there" Arthur said.
-"no you dont , i think its the gods "
-"why would they help us "
-"they wouldn’t , they put it there so i wouldn’t come for them "
-"whatever they’re intentions were im glad they did it ."
-"im glad we forgot to look for it too." I said .
-"yeah.."
-" so .... hmm will you ..hmm..-"
-" what ? Just spit it out Merlin "
-" will you marry me Arthur ?" I blurted out
Im sure my cheeks are scarlet red but Arthur can’t see that since we’re still hugging.
Arthur didn’t say anything for a few seconds so i tried to pull away to look at him but he held me tighter .
-" you know this isn’t really the time or place for this ." Arthur said Clearly embarrassed.
-" oh sorry "
-" but of course yes"
-" why did you hesitate ? I mean i don’t blame you i am a mad alcoholic thousand years old serial killer after all ." I said laughing humorlessly.
-" what matters is that you regret the past and im here for you now , we’ll make the right choices this time , together , it’s going to be okey . And i didn’t hesitate i was just thinking how you have this gift of making me make big decisions in very little time , like accepting your magic , and accepting your past now , and now even marrying you ."
-"wanna make another big decision in little time again ? "
-"what ?"
-" i know its selfish but will you be immortal with me ? "
-" its not selfishness its love ."
-"so is that a yes ? "
-"yes"
-"i love you Arthur Pendragon."
-" i love you too Merlin."