Chapter Text
(posted on ksarchive.com beginning 30 April 2014)
Chapter One: These Waters Run Deep
The crisp, chilled air held the scent of pine, and Jim closed his eyes and raised his face to feel the brush of the breeze on his skin. It was the first morning of shore leave on Earth after a grueling tour, and the captain of the Enterprise was happy to be putting aside the burden of command for a short time.
“Hey, Jim, you planning on actually having any of this breakfast, or you just gonna keep sniffing the air?” McCoy’s drawl cut through the sound of the nearby mountain river, and Jim smiled to himself.
“Sure, Bones. I’ll be right there.” Jim opened his eyes and studied the patterns of sunlight streaming through the trees overhead, taking one last lungful of morning air before turning and walking back up to the deck, where they had spread out their meal on a small table. As he sat down in one of the wooden chairs, he smiled at his friend and plucked a piece of bacon off his plate. “You’re the one who told me to get the hell outside and breathe some fresh air, you know.”
“Yeah, but the eggs are getting cold.” Bones was scowling, but his eyes were bright, and he leaned back in his own chair with a sigh as he sipped his coffee. He studied the view from the deck: rocks and pine trees leading down to the roar of water along the riverbed, and a steadily climbing slope on the other side. After a beat, he snuck a look back at his friend. “Jim, you’ve got to let it go. He’s a Vulcan; they don’t do vacations.”
“I know.” Jim made a face as he thought of Spock’s response to his invitation. His first officer had been polite, but firm; he would be staying aboard the Enterprise to assist Uhura in equipment upgrades. The captain supposed he really couldn’t complain; they had been in deep space for over six months since departing on the five-year mission, and Jim knew that, between duty requirements and Jim’s own demands on Spock’s time, the Vulcan hadn’t been able to devote much energy to his relationship with the lovely communications officer. Since the near-miracle of Jim’s return from death, he and Spock had become increasingly close, and Jim supposed the dull pang of jealousy he felt was because he already missed his friend’s company.
Bones was busying himself with his food, muttering, “You two are always together anyway. Green-blooded shadow.”
Jim smirked, spreading jam on a piece of toast. “Jealous, Bones?”
The doctor snorted. “Oh, I’m jealous alright. Jealous of what he’s probably getting up to right now.”
Jim let out a sharp laugh. “Well, I can’t help you there.” He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Tell you what, though, after our hike, we can head down to the bar for lunch. I bet there’ll be someone to flirt with.”
“Yeah, that’s the same thing,” Bones grumbled sarcastically.
Jim shook his head and kept eating, knowing that McCoy’s not-so-hidden crush on Nyota was just another excuse for his continued rancor towards Spock, along with his oft-repeated complaint that Spock monopolized Jim’s free time. For the latter, Jim had no response. He himself felt slightly astonished by how much he treasured the time spent with Spock. He didn’t know if it was somehow the fault of that meld with the Vulcan’s counterpart from another universe, or some indefinable, inherent compatibility between them, but he felt oddly content and fulfilled in Spock’s presence. For a man who had never felt at home anywhere, except perhaps in his command chair, it was a surprising, and perhaps disconcerting response. And it also caused him to feel guilty, because as much as he recognized Nyota’s dismay when Spock postponed plans made with her in order to be with Jim, the captain couldn’t help the happiness he felt.
His relationship with his first officer was made more precious by the fact that Vulcans did not, as a rule, even acknowledge friendship. He remembered only too clearly Spock’s initial confusion, and then his heart-breaking realization of the fact as he watched Jim die. Despite a lifetime of cultural conditioning, and his continued struggle to understand his human blood, Spock had remained staunchly at Jim’s side ever since, his loyalty so unshakeable some might call it devotion.
Jim flinched as McCoy tossed a napkin at him, breaking him out of his reverie. “C’mon, kid, quit day-dreaming about the hobgoblin and finish up. I want to get this death march finished in time to start drinking.”
The captain smiled, letting his fork fall onto the plate. “I hear that.” Together, they cleared their dishes and grabbed their hiking gear, setting out into the hazy morning.
They were gone until the early afternoon, and by the time Jim and Bones reached the fork in the trail that led to the rope bridge back over the river, both were sweaty, grimy, and starving. Jim had pushed the pace, feeling the pleasant burn in his muscles, and Bones, no slouch himself to physical fitness, had kept right up, despite providing a colorful monologue. They crossed the bridge and Jim had leaned over to fiddle with one of his boots when he sensed McCoy come to a stop, muttering, “Uh, oh.”
“What?” Jim stood up, looking in the direction of his friend’s gaze, and saw a tall, familiar figure standing on the deck of their cabin. “Spock!” Jim’s face lit up, and he couldn’t stop himself from bounding over.
The Vulcan was standing rather stiffly, incongruously wearing jeans with what looked like his black uniform t-shirt under a gray fleece. There was a small carryall next to him, and as Jim looked closer, he saw open distress in Spock’s expressive eyes. “Jim. I apologize for my unexpected arrival, and do not wish to intrude, however, if your invitation still stands, I would like to accept.”
“No problem!” Jim realized he still had a huge grin on his face and tried to temper it in the immediate presence of Bones, who had walked over to stand casually next to Jim.
“Spock.”
“Doctor.”
McCoy crossed his arms. “What, things didn’t work out upstairs?”
“Knock it off, Bones,” Jim said quickly, not missing the faint line that appeared in between the Vulcan’s upswept brows. He stepped up closer, his eyes on his first officer. “I’m glad you’re here. We’re, uh, just about to head into town for some lunch and a beer... .”
“Or four,” interrupted Bones.
“...And you’re more than welcome to join us, unless you want to hang out and get settled or whatever.” Jim realized he was speaking a little too fast, but felt rewarded by the slight easing of Spock’s tight posture.
“I will join you,” Spock said carefully. His gaze was intense as he met Jim’s eyes. “Thank you, Jim.”
“Sure.” Jim glanced around. “Uh, let me throw our stuff into the cabin, and probably your bag, too, and we’ll get going.” He walked forward and bent to pick up Spock’s carryall, sensing the Vulcan stiffen slightly as he neared. Tossing their extra gear through the door haphazardly, he locked the cabin and spun around, aware that the Vulcan’s eyes had never left him. Bones was still standing out front with a strange expression on his face, pointedly staring at Spock. Jim ignored it and motioned his friends toward the aircar parked along the dirt road that led back down the canyon to the nearby town.
As they walked over, Bones glanced at Spock. “So, how’d you get here?”
“I transported to the main road, and walked.”
“You get that comm equipment upgraded already?” There was a not-so-subtle challenge in McCoy’s voice.
Spock’s hands flexed slightly at his sides, but his voice remained even. “Negative. My assistance was no longer required.”
“Really.” Bones took a breath to continue and Jim cut him off, a strange protective impulse rising within him.
“Leave him alone, Bones. He’s here, and that’s it.” Jim slipped into the driver’s seat and punched in the startup key. He waved at the panels in front of him as Spock moved to sit in the backseat. “Check it out. If we get drunk, it’s programmed to drive us back here.”
Bones grunted as he sat next to Jim. “We won’t need it. The hobgoblin’ll be good to drive. Right, Spock?”
There was a pause, and then the gentle monotone came from the backseat. “Perhaps not, Doctor. I believe that I will fully participate in this vacation.”
Jim’s mouth fell open, but Bones started laughing. “I knew you had it in you, Spock. Well done.”
As Jim guided the aircar out to the main road and down into the town, McCoy began a story about his ex-wife’s fun-loving brother while Jim wondered what had transpired to cause Spock to suddenly appear. From the Vulcan’s tense body language and the turmoil in his eyes, Jim could only assume that it was nothing good. He felt surprised and excited to have Spock again at his side, and a pang of guilt traveled through him as he thought of Nyota. She was brave, smart, and beautiful, and he considered her his friend. He smiled reflexively as Bones raised his eyebrows at him, coming to the punch line of the story.
“That’s it?” Bones threw his hands in the air. “C’mon, Jim, that’s one of my better stories!”
Spock’s voice was dry. “I fail to understand why his pants were in the horse’s mouth.”
“Yeah, well, you wouldn’t.” Bones sounded miffed, and Jim gave him an apologetic look as they pulled in next to one of the few bars in town.
“Sorry, Bones. I’ll buy you a drink.”
The doctor stepped out of the aircar and frowned, letting his eyes drift to where Spock was smoothly exiting his seat. “I think I’ll let you buy them all.”
The bar wasn’t crowded, and the three men took over a booth in the back. Almost three hours later, Jim was finding that he was having trouble staying out of Spock’s personal space. The surprising thing was that the Vulcan did not appear to care. McCoy had given up making eyes at the bartender and was now watching Spock, who was peering into his almost-empty glass heedless of Jim’s proximity against the side of his body.
“Spill, hobgoblin. Why’d y’all come crawlin’ out here when your lady is still up on the ship?”
Spock raised both his eyebrows, still staring at the small amount of whiskey remaining in his glass. “Nyota ended our romantic association.”
“She did?” McCoy was apparently unable to keep the edge of excitement out of his voice.
Spock raised his eyes. “Affirmative.”
Bones saw enough of Jim’s warning look to sit back nonchalantly in his seat. “Huh. Well, sorry, I guess.”
The captain bumped his elbow gently against Spock’s arm. “Yeah, I’m sorry, too, Spock. What happened?”
The Vulcan’s back straightened. “I do not wish to discuss it, at present.” He raised his glass, draining the last bit of liquor. “I do not believe this is having the desired effect.”
McCoy raised an exaggerated eyebrow. “That’s because you’ve got that crazy metabolism. Y’all need some good ol’ straight-up sugar.”
Spock reached into his pocket and pulled out his credit key, swiping it across the panel at the end of the table and standing up. “I am returning to the cabin.”
Jim blinked up at him. “Wait, we’ll all go.”
McCoy shrugged. “Sure, why not? I’ve got better stuff back home anyway.”
The trip back to their cabin was spent in silence. Jim sat in the back next to his first officer, the aircar’s automated function smoothly taking them to their destination. Spock looked pensive, and refused to meet Jim’s eyes. When they arrived, Jim reluctantly followed Bones inside while Spock remained on the deck, his gaze stretching out towards the nearby river, the long afternoon light casting it in dark shadow.
Bones immediately sprawled into one of the large chairs in front of the fireplace. “Well, whaddaya think of that?”
Jim made a sharp motion with his hand. “He can hear you.”
“Yeah, but he knows all about nosy humans and he came here anyway. I bet he wants to talk about it. With you.” Bones leaned his head back, stretching his arms out on either side. “I think I’m gonna want plausible deniability later on.”
The captain shook his head and looked out the front window to the deck. Spock was gone. Pressing his lips together, Jim had made an abortive movement towards the door when he heard a faint beeping from his comm unit from where it lay on the coffee table in front of Bones.
The doctor looked up curiously as Jim flipped open the unit. “Oh, shit. It’s a message from Nyota.”
“This is just like fucking high school,” mumbled Bones, leaning his head back. “Y’all need to get back to acting like officers on a fucking starship.”
“Hey, I was just minding my own business.” Jim opened the message.
> Jim. I just want to know if he made it to you and if he’s alright.
Jim furrowed his brow and keyed in a quick reply.
> Yes to both.
He waited a moment, but there was no answer forthcoming. He flipped the unit closed and stared at it, looking up as he heard a faint snore coming from his friend. Glancing at the front door, he made up his mind and headed outside.
Late afternoon was hovering and the sun was approaching the walls of the canyon as Jim picked his way carefully to the riverbank. The rush of the water was loud, but somehow soothing. Constant. And Jim raised his eyes to see his friend standing next to a large boulder near the crashing water.
Spock was very still, and made no outward demonstration that he sensed Jim’s presence. He was staring out into the water, and one hand was resting on the smooth surface of the rock. Jim stopped to stand next to him, also looking out into the maelstrom. For endless moments they did not speak, and then Spock shifted slightly, his hand moving along the granite.
“There were no similar rivers on Vulcan. My mother often spoke of such, and told me that she missed them. I did not understand how one could feel emotion towards a natural phenomenon.” He paused. “I still do not understand, although I do...admit to a similar emotional response towards my planet.”
Jim glanced over at him, catching the sight of the Vulcan’s profile in the low light. Spock brought his hand in front of him and looked down at it. “I have found that my experience with emotion often defies my understanding of it.”
Jim took a breath. “Humans would say that you learn by doing.”
The Vulcan closed his fingers into a loose fist. “I find that route to be most unsatisfactory.”
The silence stretched out between them again, and Jim shifted his feet. “You want to talk about it?”
Spock dropped his hands to his sides. “I melded with Nyota. She found my...emotions towards her to be insufficient. I did not understand, and asked her to clarify. She informed me that what would be an appropriate measure of regard and respect towards one’s prospective spouse in my culture differs from human expectations. From her expectations.”
Jim’s eyebrows rose. “She said you didn’t love her enough?”
Spock lowered his chin. “I could sense her disappointment.” He looked away into the swirling water. “She also told me that she knew I myself did not understand, but that she could not explain. I believe that, in fact, she could, but chose not to do so.”
Jim swallowed. “She probably was pretty upset.”
“Indeed.” Spock clasped his hands behind his back. “She told me to come here, to you.”
Jim chuckled. “Maybe she thought I could explain it to you instead.” He shrugged. “It’s what human friends do for one another.”
He caught Spock’s almost expectant look and held his hands up. “I don’t know if I can, though. I’m no good at relationships. Hell, I’ve never even been in love.”
Spock raised an eyebrow and turned back to the river. “You do, however, understand the emotion.”
“Yeah, I suppose.” Jim eyed him. “But you loved your mother.”
“Yes.” Spock’s shoulders stiffened. “Although my experience of that particular emotion with regard to Nyota was evidently not adequate.”
Jim sighed. “Well, from my experience, some people tend to want the whole deal: lover, friend, soulmate, everything. If they figure out they’re not the focus of your existence, they feel cheated. Like, when I was at the Academy, I fooled around a bit, but I had my mind set on finishing... .”
He rambled on, barely noticing that Spock’s posture had straightened even further, that his arms were suddenly held stiffly at his sides and his mouth was slightly open. The Vulcan broke in, “I apologize, Jim. I require...I believe I will take a walk.”
Jim stopped, surprised. “A walk? Now? It’s going to be pitch black out here soon.”
“My eyesight is perfectly adequate for such conditions.”
“I know, but... .” Jim stopped as Spock simply turned and left, unerringly finding his way among the rocks. The captain stared after him, unsure of what had happened to prompt his friend to leave so abruptly. He hoped he hadn’t said the wrong thing; having Spock be so open to him was still a fairly new development, and one that he cherished. As Jim eventually turned to head back up to the cabin, he felt vaguely uneasy, wondering why Nyota had sent Spock to him, of all people, to talk about love.
The next day dawned bright and early, and Jim lay in his room on the bed, still in his clothes, with only a thin blanket covering him. As the rays of sun shone through Jim’s window and Bones was showering in the next room, he finally heard the soft click of the front door. Quickly, he flipped the blanket off of his body and jumped up, his head pounding and his mouth dry, and hurried into the main area.
Spock was standing next to the door, his fleece zipped up to his chin and his nose and cheeks slightly flushed green, but otherwise none the worse for wear. His eyes widened slightly as he saw Jim, but the human gave him no chance to speak. “Where the fuck have you been?”
“I was walking.” The hint of surprise had melted into his normal impassive visage.
“All night?”
“Yes, Jim.” Spock’s voice was quieter than usual, and held a gentle note that caused Jim to pause.
The captain took a breath and set his jaw, looking his first officer up and down. “You’re okay?”
“Affirmative.”
“Shit.” Jim ran his hands over his face. “I was convinced I’d said something that made you run off and you’d gotten yourself into some trouble and it’d be my fault.” He took a step forward. “Which is stupid because it’s usually me who gets into bad situations in the middle of nowhere.”
“I apologize.” Spock tilted his head. “And you are correct about the unfortunate situations that you seem to reliably encounter.”
Jim chuckled. “How about you make it up to me by making coffee while I take a shower?”
“I would be happy to do so.” There was the barest hint of humor in the Vulcan’s eyes that brought a grin to Jim’s face.
“Did the hobgoblin say he was happy about something?” Bones walked in to the main room, dressed casually in a t-shirt and shorts and rubbing a towel over his hair.
“Just an expression, Bones.” Jim smiled at him. “Spock’s going to make the coffee.” He clapped his friend on the shoulder as he passed and headed into his bedroom.
“That’s serious business, kid! Does he even know how?” Bones called over his shoulder.
“He’s pretty smart, doc, he’ll figure it out,” Jim yelled back before closing his door, chuckling to himself as he pictured the doctor’s annoyed expression.
Hours later, Jim lay on his back on a large, flat rock, the sun suffusing his body with warmth. After breakfast, he had decided to take another hike, which Bones had oddly declined. The doctor had been trying to hide a guilty expression, and his gaze kept shifting to his own comm unit. Jim had done his best to ignore him and divert Spock’s attention. Luckily, despite that fact that the Vulcan had been out walking the entire night previous, he didn’t require much persuasion at all to agree to accompany Jim. Now, miles from the cabin at the edge of a high mountain lake, Jim was ready to catch up on some of the sleep that had eluded him before. He had shed his boots, and was on the edge of dozing off when he heard a nearby splash.
He cracked an eye and shifted around to take in the sight of his first officer stroking across the shimmering surface of the lake with powerful movements of arms and legs. Now with both eyes open, Jim watched with unabashed curiosity. He had never seen Spock swim before, and it was strangely mesmerizing. The Vulcan neared the opposite shoreline and stopped, turning smoothly and heading back. By the time Spock stood up in the shallow water near Jim’s rock, the captain was sitting up fully, legs crossed, both eyebrows raised.
“I thought Vulcans avoided water.”
“Humans embrace it. Therefore, I find a middle ground is necessary.” Spock easily negotiated the rocky shore and walked over to stand next to Jim.
The captain gave him a half-smile, noticing that the residual water was already drying on the Vulcan’s skin. He glanced down at his friend’s pair of swim trunks. “How’d you know to bring those?”
“You mentioned that our destination today would be a small body of water,” Spock replied dryly. He raised his face to the sun, closing his eyes. Jim kept watching him, his eyes traveling over his friend’s toned physique, usually hidden under layers of uniform. Lean, but with defined musculature, broad shoulders leading down to a narrow waist and hips, accentuated by that damn clingy suit that Jim couldn’t help but notice. As Spock’s eyes opened again, Jim tore his gaze away, focusing instead out to the middle of the lake, aware that his breathing had quickened and his skin was flushed. He chewed his lip, hoping he could blame it on the heat. It wasn’t the first time he had entertained thoughts about the attractiveness of his first officer, but, for some reason, now they seemed to carry more significance.
Spock did not appear to notice Jim’s difficulties. “I do not wish you to continue to believe that your words last night were offensive. Indeed, they were quite the opposite.”
Jim swallowed, forcing nonchalance. “Oh, really?”
“Yes. I was able to ascertain Nyota’s reasoning.”
The human shook his head. “Spock, I don’t think reason had much to do with it.”
Now the Vulcan fixed him with an intense stare, made slightly less effective by the way his black hair was drying in a lopsided, spiky arrangement. Jim smothered a smile. “I mean, you know, love seldom makes any sense.” He cleared his throat. “At least that’s what they say.”
“They?”
“Yeah,” Jim replied, with a hint of sarcasm. “People who’re in love.”
Spock raised an eyebrow. “But you have not found yourself in such a situation?”
Jim let out a guffaw. “I heard the subtext there, you know. Why have I never been in love when I’ve had so many opportunities?”
The Vulcan lifted his chin primly. “I do not believe I said that.”
Jim smiled. “Well, fair enough, I guess.” He paused, scratching his head. “I don’t know why not. Maybe I haven’t found what I’m looking for yet. Maybe I already have and she’s a starship.” He glanced over at Spock. “Maybe I’m just as bad as you and don’t understand the first thing about it.”
Spock inclined his head, and shivered slightly as the sun vanished briefly behind a cloud. He smoothly turned and headed back over to the neat pile of folded clothes a few yards away and proceeded to get dressed. Jim surreptitiously watched him out of the corner of his eye, jumping as his comm unit unexpectedly beeped.
“Kirk here.”
“Hi, Jim. Just wanted to let you know that, uh, an emergency came up and I’ve, uh, got to go back topside for a couple days to see that it’s all sorted out.”
Jim narrowed his eyes. “What kind of emergency, Bones?”
There was a loaded silence and then the doctor’s voice hissed, “What the hell kind do you think?”
Jim turned his back to where Spock was pulling on his shirt and hopped off the rock, pacing a few feet away. “For fuck’s sake, Bones, it’s been, what, twenty-four hours? Don’t you have any fucking shame?”
“Whatever, Jim. Enjoying your hike?”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
There was an exaggerated sigh and when McCoy’s voice came back over the line it was measurably calmer. “Jim, never mind. Look, as I said, I wanted to let you know that I’ll probably be gone when you get back. You’ve got Spock there to keep you company, and I’ll be back in a few days.”
“You said a couple days.”
“Right. Have fun. McCoy out.”
Jim glared at the now-silent unit. A noise from behind him made him swing around, flipping the unit closed. He swallowed, seeing the tension around Spock’s eyes. “Um, Bones said he had to get back to the ship. Said he’ll be back in a couple days.”
The Vulcan didn’t blink. “Indeed.”
“Yeah.” Jim slipped the unit back into his pocket and swung his arms nervously, unable to read his first officer’s lack of expression. “So, looks like it’ll just be us for a while.”
The impassive countenance broke, just slightly, and a corner of Spock’s mouth turned up before he glanced towards the trail, clasping his hands behind his back. “Shall we return?”
Jim stared at him for a moment and slowly nodded, matching his friend’s almost-smile with one of his own. “Sounds great.”