Chapter Text
Lan Jingyi grew up pretending he did not know the truth, the secret behind his birth. He knew the Lan Sect kept it away from him, especially Lan Qiren. But even four thousand rules to abide could not stop the mouths gossiping.
Lan Jingyi was five when he learnt the truth.
It was totally a coincidence, it was the morning Lan Jingyi turned five when he found out from the disciples talking in hushed tones about him when they thought he was still sleeping. They were assigned to help him prepared for the day because he was still so young.
That was the moment he knew about his birth.
A mistake.
A lapse of judgement.
A regret.
No wonder his parents very rarely be with him, and he was cared by the caretakers of the Lan family. All this time he was told his fathers were too busy for him because they were sect leaders of two of the biggest sects.
Lan Xichen and Jiang Cheng never intended for him to happen.
Lan Jingyi was five, on the verge of excitement to celebrate his birthday because that was the only time he could meet both his fathers at once for his birthday meal. Once, it was the day he waited the most, because that would be the longest time he saw his parents. But he now knew the truth, and still trying to process the information. If he was quiet during the meal, his fathers said nothing, because how could they know when they weren't even there to care for him and got to know his personality?
Lan Jingyi was five, when instead of calling his fathers with endearment terms "A-Die" and "Father" like other children his age, he started calling them Sect Leader Jiang and Zewu-jun. They said nothing, probably thinking Lan Qiren taught him to call them those titles with respect.
Lan Jingyi was five when his uncles, the Hanguang-jun and Wei Wuxian came back to reside at the Cloud Recesses permanently because their son, Lan Sizhui would be starting lessons there.
Lan Jingyi was five when he first felt like he was wanted and loved.
Lan Wangji, his father's younger brother, despite his cold appearance, was an affectionate father. When Jingyi was at Jingshi with Sizhui practicing their writings, Lan Wangji patted their heads, telling them they did great. Jingyi beamed brightly at the praise, because he usually got frowns whenever he practiced his writings with other masters.
Wei Wuxian always hugged him and praised him, he also teased Jingyi a lot but Jingyi didn't mind. It was nice to have someone who wouldn't telling him off every time he accidentally talked louder when he got excited about something. Or breaking any other clan rules.
Lan Sizhui, Jingyi envied him. He had loving parents who were always there for him. Jingyi never saw someone getting so many hugs a day. Sizhui's parents were so affectionate with him and they rarely scolded him, instead they would sit him down and explained things whenever Sizhui broke the clan rules.
And while Jingyi knew there were clan members who disliked Sizhui, it was mainly because one of his fathers was Wei Wuxian. Sizhui was a perfect Lan, Jingyi could see that. A perfect embodiment of a true Lan, unlike Jingyi.
He was everything a Lan was, something Jingyi would never be.
Sizhui even managed to get his father's attention.
Jingyi felt something stuck in his throat during that one time he saw Lan Xichen patted Sizhui's head and smiled at the boy.
He never did that with Jingyi.
He was hiding behind a pillar before he walked back to Jingshi and told Wei Wuxian he didn't see Sizhui and they better waited for him there before starting their meals.
No, Jingyi did not hate Sizhui. He actually liked Sizhui. Sizhui was nice and kind, always played patiently with him and he didn't leave Jingyi alone like the other kids. Jingyi adored Sizhui.
Lan Jingyi was five when he found out his birth family did not want him, but he had found people who wanted him.
It was a few months after he turned five when he finally opened the gifts his fathers gave him. Before, he would be excited but now he did not know how to feel. Was it really his fathers who chose his birthday gifts? Or was it other people? He only remembered the gifts after his uncles and his cousin gave him their late birthday gifts because they were not there yet when Jingyi had his birthday.
Lan Sizhui gave him a wooden sword he made himself with his fathers' help. It was the best thing Jingyi ever laid his eyes on. Sizhui even promised they could play together soon.
Lan Wangji made him fried chicken, letting the young boy indulged into his favorite dish. Jingyi was so happy he jumped on Lan Wangji's legs and hugged him tight. Jingyi saw his uncle smiled as he patted Jingyi's head.
Wei Wuxian gave him a bell. Jingyi frowned, and Wei Wuxian smiled somberly before he sat down with Jingyi and told him that the bell would protect Jingyi, and it was Wei Wuxian's love for him. Jingyi hugged his uncle as he thanked Wei Wuxian, who smiled sadly at his nephew's fate.
Jingyi did not have to know that a Jiang family member had their own bells to protect themselves, and Jingyi, one with Jiang's blood in him, did not have one.
Jingyi smiled at the memory, before he remembered what he was supposed to do. Jingyi took a deep breath as he slowly unwrapped his fathers' gifts.
Lan Xichen gave him paper scrolls, Jingyi stared at them long, remembering he got it last year too when Lan Qiren told his father that Jingyi had started practicing writing. Lan Jingyi could not help but to wonder if this was his Father's way to tell him he had to work harder practicing writing?
But Jingyi smiled, and put the paper scrolls carefully on his writing table. It was a gift from his Father, after all.
He then turned his attention to another wrapped gift in front of him.
It was Jiang Cheng's gift and again, Jingyi actually hoped it wasn't similar to what he got last year, a shiny ball. Jingyi was excited but he got bored of it quick and just kept the ball inside a treasure chest he had used to keep his personal items that he cherished a lot.
He slowly unwrapped it, careful not to tear the wrapping apart. Jingyi frowned before he smiled when he finally figured out the gift. It was a wooden carved of a puppy figure. Jingyi beamed as he caressed the figure, he was happy it was not a shiny ball this time.
Even if the gifts perhaps were not chosen by his fathers, Lan Jingyi was happy. He could pretend his fathers were the one choosing the gifts for him. This time too, Jingyi kept the figure into his treasure chest, smiling at the items he kept with so much care.
His fathers might not love him, but Lan Jingyi loved them.
Lan Jingyi was way past five, almost turning seven when he found out another well-kept secret from him. This time it was from the visiting disciples from Yunmeng, who Jingyi had seen always glanced his way whenever he walked around Cloud Recesses for his lessons. But whenever he met their eyes, those disciples quickly pretended as if they did not just staring at him.
It was when he was hiding in the Library Pavilion from his master who kept scolding him because he could not memorized the hard poem, that Lan Jingyi found out he had another cousin he had never heard of, currently being cared by his A-Die in Yunmeng. The Yunmeng disciples talked about Jingyi, how it was so pitiful that his A-Die chose his cousin over him, and how it was more pitiful that Jingyi was sent here to his Father but was neglected.
Lan Jingyi bit his lips, eyes red as he sat there quietly listening to these Yunmeng disciples laugh at his life.
Apparently his A-Die chose his cousin, who lost his parents to the Sunshot Campaign, over him. But could Jingyi blamed his A-Die? When he himself knew they never wanted him from the beginning? He was content being loved by his uncles and his cousin Sizhui, it was fine by him to have a piece of happiness, although at times Jingyi thought it was because his uncles and cousin pitied him too.
Jingyi knew everyone else looked at him with pity.
Like his A-Die and Father, who looked at him with sorrow in their eyes, as if he was their biggest regret.
Lan Jingyi cried silently in the coldness of Library Pavilion accompanied by the laughter about his pity, pitiful life.
Lan Jingyi was eight when he first met the said cousin during a conference held between the sects here, in Cloud Recesses. He was hoping to see his A-Die, but from the way his cousin clinging on his A-Die, maybe he did not get any chances. As if his A-Die would have the time to entertain him.
Jingyi found out that his cousin's name was Jin Ling, he found out from the hushes among the disciples that his cousin was also the future sect leader of LanlingJin. Lan Jingyi smiled as he looked down at the floor, no wonder his A-Die chose his cousin, Jingyi was neither a future leader of the sect nor anyone special with talents. He was not like Jin Ling, or Sizhui who has been the Elders' favorite after only two years studying there, and have already been pushed into lessons suited for a future sect leader.
He was just Jingyi, a Lan in name only, not even a Jiang when he had the blood of the Sandu Shengshou in him.
Just Jingyi.
It was his ninth birthday, and instead of having his birthday meal with only his fathers, someone sat by his A-Die's side closely. Jingyi peeked a bit at his golden robe, and the way his A-Die fussing over his cousin, bickering as if Jingyi was not there, as if they were not there to celebrate his birthday. His Father was eating quietly, Jingyi followed his example because a Lan did not talk while eating.
Maybe Jingyi should tell Grandfather Qiren he did not want to eat birthday meal with his fathers anymore.
But it was the only day his Father and A-Die would be in the same place, and the only time Jingyi could savor the moment of having his parents close to him. It was not selfish of him, right? Maybe one day.
Jingyi frowned when Jin Ling threw a tantrum, knocking the bowl down to the floor, which made his A-Die raised his voice. Jingyi did not like this, his cousin kept making his A-Die upset but Jingyi seen how his A-Die just sighed and would comply to Jin Ling's request. Jingyi looked down to his own meal when Jin Ling smiled smugly at him, as if telling Jingyi he was not his A-Die's favorite. Which Jingyi knew very well.
Jingyi did not enjoyed his ninth birthday. He walked back to his room upset, his Father and A-Die's gifts in his arms, yet he did not feel any joy this time.
It was when he opened the door to his chamber and seen his uncles and Sizhui surprising him with a song that Jingyi back to beaming brightly. His Uncle Wangji made him his favorite fried chicken, Uncle Wuxian and Sizhui made him a painting of lotus lake view because he had been asking Uncle Wei and Sizhui how it was in Yunmeng because Jingyi was not allowed to roam outside yet and he had never been to Yunmeng. The furthest he had went was Caiyi town, with someone supervised him and it was not that fun for him.
He was so drowsy and almost fell asleep in Uncle Wangji's laps later with Sizhui side by side, when he could hear his uncles talked in hushed tones. About how they loved him so much, that Jingyi is loved, and Jingyi would always be a part of their family.
Jingyi was nine when he knew he was loved dearly, even if they were not from who Jingyi wanted them to be.
A day after he turned nine, Jingyi stared at the gifts his Father and A-Die gave him. It was not long afterwards he put the gifts into his treasure chest, decided not to open them.
Lan Jingyi was a day into turning ten when he told Grandfather Qiren that he no longer wanted to have his birthday meal with his fathers after his tenth birthday. Jingyi asked him if it was okay, and Grandfather Qiren looked at him with a sad smile, before he nodded. Lan Jingyi thanked him and said he wanted to tell his Father and A-Die about it on his own.
His tenth birthday was different, instead of having a meal together at a private chamber at Cloud Recesses, Jingyi had his tenth birthday meal with his parents at a restaurant in Caiyi Town, no Jin Ling in tow this time. The meal was delicious, yet Jingyi could not wait for it to be over. He wanted to get back to Cloud Recesses fast because he knew Uncle Wangji would be prepared with his favorite fried chicken dish and he also could not wait for Uncle Wei and Sizhui's gifts this year.
"Sect Leader Jiang, Zewu-Jun," Jingyi hid his hands under the table, fists clenching his robe as he looked up at his fathers. "Thank you for the meal, but we do not have to do this anymore." He looked at them with a small smile. "You two are the sect leaders, you should not waste your time on me." Jingyi looked down at the cup of hot steaming tea in front of him.
Jingyi did not see the changing expressions on the two male adults' faces.
"I know you do not like me, and we do this every year because Grandfather Qiren ask you to. I have ask his permission, do not worry!" Jingyi laughed awkwardly. "The two of you have so many responsibilities to attend to but you always dutifully spend one day every year for me, I cannot be more thankful than I already am." Jingyi looked at the two men in front of him. "Thank you for the gifts too, I keep all of them well with me." He smiled, before slowly got up from the seat.
He bowed to them, showing respect for two people he would always cherished in his heart although he knew he had no place in theirs. "Thank you again, Sect Leader Jiang, Zewu-Jun!" He smiled at them before leaving Jiang Cheng and Lan Xichen and walked away.
Lan Jingyi was ten when he decided not to have anymore birthday meals in the future.
Lan Jingyi was ten when he did not came back to Cloud Recesses, on his birthday.