Chapter Text
It all started with ‘you’re bleeding all over the floor’.
Well actually the nurse who had brought Simon’s injury back to their attention in the first place had put it much less nicely but it was those words that had set in motion a turn of events that Kieren would have never imagined landing him here; holding a crying, shaking Simon in his arms as a number of his family and a helpful doctor (or two) and some nurses (four) tried to extricate the bullet from his back. Well - attempt to get him anywhere near that option really. Because as the nurse had said not so nicely before; ‘you’re bleeding all over my floor and while you’re not in any medical danger, that black tar of yours is unreasonably hard to get off of the linoleum when it settles’.
The icy glare Simon had thrown her in response was such a sharp contrast to how he was now that Kieren was utterly reeling. Utterly and completely.
It had unraveled in steps.
First Kieren’s concerned parents had reached out to their son’s would be savior as much as they could over their own shock - which they’d hardly recovered from yet. Needless to say, none of them had quite yet.
Small splotches of black were falling to the floor at Simon’s feet they noticed abruptly now. Not a great amount but standing still as they were, waiting for news of Amy’s stabilization and miraculous turn around from PDS, it was starting to become noticeable.
Simon had recoiled from their touch sharply enough to surprise everyone and Kieren’s hands had automatically come up to steady him. Or out of some sort of reflex to prevent Simon from completely running into him he wasn’t sure because Simon unknowingly backed right into Kieren.
And that had startled him to the point that he’d stumbled back, slipped on his own blood, just enough to lose his balance in his descending panic to send him to the floor.
Right then, at that point, Kieren knew they’d lost him. Though they’d tried to reason with Simon, figure out what was so wrong in the first place or why he was so afraid and panicked, if Kieren had had the time to think back to just when he’d become unreachable it was right then.
At some point it became an unspoken mutual decision to help Simon even if he so obviously didn’t want to be helped or more rather was far too scared to accept it. Because clearly he couldn’t make the decision for himself anymore.
That had been an unspeakably bad idea.
Even though they tried to gentle him with words, giving up on reasoning and resorting to soothing - anything to reach him and convince Simon that they were really only trying to help - no matter how gentle they were or how much they attempted to talk him down, Simon only got worse. Until they were having to talk loudly over his cries of panic and all the words he was yelling (no, please, stop) until they were practically shouting. And then Simon stopped speaking altogether. An orderly’s arms came around him and the words stopped and the screaming began.
It wasn’t just panic. It was sheer, absolute, wild terror. Kieren could grasp a fear of hospitals - even though Simon had never shown anything like that up until this moment. Kieren could grasp a fear of doctors, even needles. But this... This was beyond words and comprehension.
Between the shouting, screaming, desperately trying to calm Simon down and somehow keep the panicked hospital staff from tasering Simon senseless - it was all a confused, hopeless mess.
Black blood was starting to stain their clothes in small amounts, get on their hands, and Simon was screaming like he was being murdered. At some point, being in such close proximity to him, trying to get their arms around him and talk him down and stop him from screaming his lungs out - they all got fleeting touches of Simon’s back that told them with little ringing alarm bells that something was wrong. That there was a reason behind all this screaming, now crying, and desperate pleas from the man in their grasp to stop. Why he seemed to no longer know them at all, respond to their voices, or their faces.
And then a nurse screamed. A short, horrified cry that sent her reeling back away from the group. If anything was to be said over this whole ordeal - Simon’s raw distress had momentarily pulled the humanity out of people enough for them to respond not like he was a PDS sufferer but an actual patient. Not so much after that.
There was a cry of ‘his spine is exposed’ from the impossibly young hospital worker and then the group trying to console Simon became even more alarmed and concerned than before. If that was possible. And just like that he went right back to being a rabid instead of a man who was scared senseless and a patient who needed treating.
Dr. Russo at that point started shouting at them to leave Simon alone and to back away. Not so much because of the terrified nurses’ alarmed accusations that had to be impossible but because Simon was truly and completely unreachable and they were only making it worse. But the nurses’ cries of alarm made everyone backing off much easier. Where before they might have kept trying, Sue and Steve backed away as if their hands had been burned and so did the rest of the staff, scattering and retreating across the room from the man.
All but Kieren who did the opposite and in trying to get closer, suddenly in a random tangle of limbs he had an armful of Simon, pressed chest to chest with him - one of his legs haphazardly thrown over his hip and the other folded beneath him, Simon’s legs sprawled to the left and right of his own, clinging onto him in sheer desperate terror.
And in the sudden lack of screaming, only the sounds of Simon’s ragged breathing filling the waiting room, Kieren realized he was saying ‘okay’ over and over again to his distressed lover as soothing as he could possible manage. It was almost a sudden, jarring calm and Kieren realized he was breathing rapidly himself, his wide eyes locked onto the white floor. He was almost terrified to move or make a single sound other than telling Simon that it was okay.
“Kieren?” Tom ventured cautiously into the silence.
Kieren abruptly stopped talking, swallowing around his words, and his eyes quickly found the doctor.
“Talk to him. Try to bring him into the present. I don’t want to upset him by doing the same.”
Kieren bit back on the instinctive urge to nod, turning his head down a bit though to look at Simon, who had his head pressed into his neck and chest and while Kieren couldn't see where his gaze was - he was sure it was wide eyed and terrified at the room of people around them. Thankfully though everyone had retreated to one specific side. Less to make him feel surrounded, unintentionally a blessing.
“Simon?” he said, swallowing down his fears, his tone as soothing as he could manage, infinitely gentle. Anything so as not to spook him again in his already extremely agitated state, on the complete edge between another bout of hysteria as he was.“You’re all right.” He didn't make it a question, didn't dare, didn't give Simon time to ask himself if he was in fact all right because he was clearly anything but that.
When Simon didn't respond, Kieren glanced over at the doctor who gave him an encouraging nod.
“Simon?” Kieren got a bit more control over himself, the last thing he wanted was to make them feel like he was a hostage. He was anything but that. There was a reason why he hadn't even thought of retreat and instead pushed closer out of some blind, desperate instinct. He was on the floor with Simon for a reason and it was all his own choice.
Gently he reached up to put a hand on the back of Simon’s head. “You with me love?”
Forcing his tone to be less like he was afraid Simon was going to start screaming again at any point, even though that was pretty much a firm possibility, he tipped his head down and lowered his voice much further. “Hey.” he called softly, refraining by some firm gut instinct against touching his back. “Talk to me Simon. It’s okay. Everything is okay. I've got you now.”
And then, in a strangled reply, Simon asked in a somewhat bewildered and confused voice. “Kieren?”
Kieren let out a breath of relief and his eyes fell closed for what would have been a heartbeat if he’d had one. If Simon’s heartbreaking tone wouldn't have already broken it in half. “Yeah Simon. I’m right here. Right here sweetheart.”
Simon took in a shallow breath and Kieren leaned down just a bit further, swallowing around one of his own. “Do you know where you are?”
“Hos-” Simon swallowed heavily. “Hospital.”
“Yeah with me. With my mum and dad and Philip and his mum. With Dr. Russo. See them all there?” Kieren asked, looking over at the group who looked probably appropriately bewildered, shocked, and some down right scared even. Kieren was relieved though when some of them tried to give Simon reassuring, soothing smiles. Even if they looked incredibly uneasy about it.
Simon nodded and Kieren sent a look at the doctor in question, looking for some guidance. When nothing was forthcoming and Dr. Russo looked like he’d swallowed his tongue, he found some of his own.
“Remember what happened at the cemetery? To Amy?”
Simon nodded, breath coming a bit quicker then and Kieren forced himself not to tense. “Okay, okay.” he nodded. “Good, very good love. That’s good. You with me now, yeah? Right here with me, safe and sound. Right love?”
Simon nodded again, a little less frantically and started to relax, Kieren quick to praise this - wishing he could stroke his back or hold him closer but he didn't dare. He had a feeling that’s what had set him off in the first place and he was terrified to know what ‘his spine is exposed’ even meant. They’d had little time for all that much intimacy and neither of them really had been ready. This was probably a large part as to why no doubt.
“Okay.” Kieren soothed softly. “Remember taking that bullet for me?”
Simon nodded quickly.
Kieren swallowed around a suddenly tight throat, forcing down the swell of emotions that evoked. “You've got that bullet still in your back and your bleedin’-”
“No, no-”
Here it came again, Kieren unable to keep himself from tensing, talking quickly but soothingly. “With me, Si.” he soothed, the shortened loving form of his name falling from his lips without thinking. “You’re right here with me love. We’re here and you’re safe-”
“I can’t, I can’t-” Simon hiccuped, sobbed almost, his breath hitching what sounded like painfully his chest.
“Because of your back?” Kieren asked, pitching his voice as soothing as he could manage and praying it wouldn't set Simon into another tailspin. Just stay here with me Simon, please. He silently begged.
Simon nodded. “They... They did things. To me. They did things.”
Kieren felt himself go impossibly cold all over and he swallowed back bile at the fear the words evoked. “Who did things Simon?”
“The doctors. They-” Another hiccuped breath. “Did things.”
“What things?” Kieren managed, forcing it past his lips even though he was terrified to know.
“Ex-experiments. Oh god Kieren-”
The last was a flail right through Kieren’s chest, pitched like a tormented wail, terrified and lost like he was drowning in a new set of flashbacks and that’s what they’d been now, obviously. Flashbacks.
There was a gagging sound over his shoulder, Simon heaved and without looking, feeling a sudden rush of wetness down his shoulder and back - Kieren knew exactly what had happened, heard the black substance, whatever it was, hit the floor too but he could feel most of it had gotten him.
“Oh, oh Simon.” he managed with a wince, chest tightening painfully, forcing his eyes quickly away from the others and back down at the floor. He didn't want to see their expressions but he heard a disgusted ‘oh god’ enough to know it couldn't be good. “You’re okay. You’re all right. Easy love, easy.” he whispered, holding a hand to the back of Simon’s head as he heaved in his arms and daring to look. Oh yes. Kieren looked quickly away as Simon continued to throw up more of the black fluid. That was a bloody right mess and he probably would have paled if he could. Funny how it didn't seem to bother him nearly so much as it probably could but his stomach did tighten uncomfortably.
“Okay, okay.” he soothed, when Simon’s stomach quieted - his own not so much. “You’re okay. You’re right here with me remember? Everything’s okay love. I’m not going to let anything happen to you-” this time he was swallowing around anger and he wasn't sure he was doing such a good job. White righteous fury would be a better explanation for it certainly. “Nothing. I swear to you. I won’t let anything happen. Not over my-” he stopped himself but continued anyway, ruefully walking to the cliche of his own will - catching it too late to stop the sentence. “Already dead body.”
It was worth the surprising, strangled laugh that came out of Simon’s mouth, short and brief but beautiful, cut off by another hiccuping gasp.
Kieren managed a quick smile even though the thought of what had been done to his lover cut deep, glancing back at the mess over his shoulder, seeping down his arm. His stomach clenched unpleasantly and he was suddenly thankful for all his layers and long sleeve shirts. “Okay. Just breathe a minute okay? Just take some breaths for me. In and out.”
When Simon seemed too embarrassed to reply, Kieren pitched his words much softer, barely a whisper and, angling his head closer - against his ear. To somehow make the moment more private. “C’mon love. Breathe for me. Easy breaths. You’re okay. Everything’s okay. It’s all right. You didn't mean it.”
Simon managed some unsteady breaths and Kieren gave him something to mimic, whispering encouragingly to him and then glancing up at the group and then back to Simon. The room was a complete mess. Now worse than before. Ugly black smears with shoe tread marks on the white floor, some on the walls and on a waiting room chair. Chairs had been knocked over, magazines all over the floor. Kieren was suddenly relieved though Simon hadn't made it outside. In his terror he no doubt would have ran and if he’d gone into the woods - Kieren couldn't even finish the thought.
“We have to get that bullet out sweetheart, you know that right?”
Simon nodded miserably.
“Okay.” Kieren murmured, considering that firm progress in the right direction, looking back to Dr. Russo, daring him not to have an idea. Simon desperately needed help and treatment and they had to figure out something. To calm him down at the very least but he couldn't run around with a bullet in his shoulder even if they couldn't feel pain. The wound would just keep seeping that awful, black fluid - as viscous and staining as motor oil.
Licking at his lips nervously, Dr. Russo tilted his head down to meet Simon’s eyes, flickering his gaze away from Kieren. They didn't like it. Their eyes. Especially not direct eye contact. At the moment Kieren could hardly bring himself to care.
“Okay. Simon? There’s a gas-”
“No-” Simon immediately, vehemently protested but it sounded more like he was protesting to a memory, an experience of just how that gas had been used. Kieren quickly did his best to calm him, sending a ‘not helpful’ look Dr. Russo’s way. A gas? Really?
“It’s the only way to sedate you-”
“Not helping doctor.” Shirley interceded softly.
Tom winced and sent a worried look at Kieren and then back at Simon. “If we gave you just enough to make you calmer-”
Simon turned his head away from them, back over Kieren’s shoulder, and Kieren braced himself for what was about to happen but thankfully it was only a dry heave. The sound Simon made was horrible though and Kieren winced, shushing him, infinitely pained for his lover at the noise. He just wanted to make his suffering stop. Anything to take it all away.
Surprisingly though, Simon found his voice. “It’s the only way.” he choked and his body rattled in a sickening shudder, trembling hands grasping tighter at Kieren’s shirt. Simon was so pale. Impossibly paler than he already was.
Kieren glanced questioningly at Dr. Russo, who nodded. “It’s that or needles and I don’t think that’s better.”
Simon shook his head in agreement against Kieren’s shirt in wholehearted agreement and consolingly, Kieren pressed a kiss to his temple. “What if...” he glanced over at everyone else. “What if I give it to him? Can I do that?”
“Uh.” Tom nodded. “Yes. You’d need two hands though-”
Ah. He didn't have two of those at the moment.
And then his mom surprised him by speaking up. “What if I do it?” she asked, more a statement than a question but it really, really was a surprising one.
Back when, back before when they’d had quieter lives, before The Rising - Kieren’s parents had worked in hospitals. His mum a nurse and his dad a doctor. His dad though hadn't been built he’d said to handle the strain. It could easily have attributed to his break down, losing a patient and being forced into psychiatric leave that eventually had become permanent. It had been a rough and troubling time for all of them but it had led to more time together, as a family. They’d gotten him through it and become much closer as a result. It was why Kieren had been happy to stay at home. Sue had quit her job too, to be with them, and their pensions were more than enough to see them off okay with management. But his dad could still have little to do with anything medical. It was only now, ten years after it all, that he could even stomach a medical show without going white and shaky and having an attack of anxiety. Out of love for her husband, Sue had followed and had given up anything relatively medical completely, despite it being a long tradition in her family. It had gotten them slack from them but that had only made them stronger too.
Kieren gave a look to his father now and though he looked shaky, he gave him his best reassuring smile. Being here was probably hard enough. It was an unbearable agony he'd been struck with when he'd realized what his death would have done to him, finding him as he had. He had to tear his brief thoughts away now in order not to reopen that barely closed wound. And quickly.
“How ‘bout that?” Kieren asked Simon softly, stroking his hair gently. “How ‘bout I hold you and Sue gives you some medicine to calm you down. Hm?”
“Just trust us son. We’re not going to hurt you.” Steve spoke up and Sue gave Simon a nod with as much of a reassuring smile she could manage. It was a good one and after a moment of silence, Simon managed the smallest, quietest ‘okay’ - flooding Kieren with relief. He could trust his mum with Simon and right now, he couldn't imagine anything better. She wouldn't hurt him, the opposite, she would care for him without prejudice. Beside Dr. Russo that was the very last thing any of the rest of the hospital staff would do.
“Okay.” Kieren confirmed to everyone else and Dr. Russo stood, quickly leaving the room.
He returned with a small blue tank in hand, with attached tubing that ended in a mask that could be put over the mouth and nose and Sue reached out for it, Kieren stroking Simon’s hair as the doctor explained how it worked and just how much to give.
“Doing good Simon.” he praised softly, just for the two of them to hear. “Everything will be okay.”
Sue kept her gaze partially on them as Dr. Russo explained everything, the process, and Kieren’s eyes kept finding hers. It was soothing, really soothing. She was calming, slipping back into a professional nursing mode as much as she could, giving Kieren a look that said everything he desperately needed to hear right now. ‘Everything is going to be okay.’
Kieren’s chest tightened and he swallowed heavily, blinking back tears. He was really, really hoping it would be. For Simon’s sake.
Dr. Russo was finished quickly and Sue did something Kieren was immediately infinitely grateful for. She got down on her knees and put her legs out in front of her, as non-threateningly as she could scooting in small harmless motions towards them, all while keeping her expression calm and reassuring. They were scared, she was scared, everyone was. Although for Sue it seemed to be more nerves. Kieren could only imagine what they looked like. Simon’s mouth looked blackened enough from his vantage point alone and Kieren was partially covered. They were a mess.
Some part of him was satisfied. Good on Simon for throwing up all over this pristine white floor. That stupid nurse could spend hours cleaning it up. No more horrible ‘Give Back’ program to make them do their jobs in the first place.
“Everything’s okay.” Kieren whispered to Simon, remembering to keep him calm as his mother approached. But that was just it... Simon didn't appear to need it. Actually, while he was starting to shy from her, his body was still relaxed. Maybe even more than it had before.
Sue gave Simon a big, reassuring smile as she finally settled on the floor close, ducking her head to meet his eyes. “It’s okay. Everything’s okay love.”
Kieren’s heart would have thudded to a halt if it had been able at what she did next, his mother reaching out and gently, soothingly touching Simon’s face. A motherly touch that pulled a barely audible, quiet gasp from Simon. Sue’s expression turned pained in response and she gently touched Simon’s shoulder, looking up at Kieren. “Can you turn him love?” she gave Simon a soothing, soft smile. “He’s tucked up right good against you.”
Kieren thought fast. “Here.” he whispered, more to Simon. “Simon I’m going to turn you okay? Your back to my chest.”
Simon tensed as he started to move, just the edge of panic, but Sue reached down and rubbed his knee, Kieren giving her a quick and tense, grateful look. He realized he wasn't giving Simon much choice but he was hoping the lack thereof wouldn't give him time to think and or panic about it.
“Here we go.” Kieren soothed, flickering a tense glance at his mother as he positioned himself behind Simon, settling carefully against his back, which caused his lover to start breathing unevenly immediately. “You’re okay, you’re okay.” he said quickly, wrapping an arm quickly around his middle, the other around Simon's chest, until Simon was flush against him, his head tilted back against his shoulder. “I've got you Simon. Everything is okay. That’s much better isn't it? Yeah. Has to be.”
Simon was a little more tense than before but Kieren was relieved at having a better hold, more places to sooth and touch. He didn't feel nearly so scared of touching his sensitive back or triggering an anxiety attack from it and what’s more - Simon’s back was now well protected and hidden against the front of his body. And when Sue scooted just a bit closer and moved to block Simon’s view from everyone else or what she could of it - Simon’s breaths started to even. He’d just felt exposed.
“Thattaway.” Kieren praised. “I've got you Simon. Everything is okay.”
He was relieved Simon couldn't see his face but Simon’s looked horrible and again, Kieren would have paled if he could. All around his mouth was pure black, staining his face, chin, and shirt although his eyes were much, much less wild. And there was that to be grateful for, to take that as good of a sign as he could. At this point he’d grasp onto anything.
“Here we go.” Sue said, “I’m just going to put this here-”
“Easy, easy-” Kieren soothed, tightening his hold as Simon predicatably jerked back, for some reason still managing to startle him. Simon’s breath hitched unsteadily in his chest as the mask came close and his eyes widened, pushing himself back against Kieren’s smaller body in fear. Kieren had to press his heels into the floor to stop him from being pushed back under the force of it.
“Hey.” Sue soothed, sending him a sternly maternal, soothing look. “You’re okay son. You’re okay. Everything is okay. I’m not going to hurt you am I?”
Simon swallowed hard and his eyes were completely riveted to her now, flickering from the mask and her face and back again, hands digging into Kieren’s legs and jacket in a grip that would have been painful. But he stopped trying to press away.
“It’s okay. Going to be a good boy for me now yeah?” she soothed and the mask was much closer now, her tone soft, never leaving Simon’s eyes. “It’s okay love. You’re okay. Such a good boy now.”
Ever so slowly the mask settled around Simon's face and Kieren watched him close, practically holding his breath, rubbing Simon’s chest rhythmically. Nice and slow, easy strokes of his hand - palm flat against his chest. “That’s it. That’s it Simon.” he whispered, willing him to just relax.
The mask settled on his face, finally, and Sue gave Simon a praising grin, holding it there gently. Obviously trying not to use too much pressure, holding it here with the barest of force she could manage. “Attaway love. Such a good boy.”
Simon whimpered, it muffled behind the mask, but Kieren - his chest swelling with love both for the man in his arms and his incredible mother - sensed it was more a response to her words and not the mask. And then, barely within the space of thirty seconds or so, Simon's eyes rolled briefly to the back of his head and snapped back again, as if he was fighting it, chest rising and falling heavily in what seemed like impending panic.
Sue and Kieren shushed him soothingly, nearly at the same time, and Sue took her hand away from the floor and put it on his leg - rubbing in slow circles, adding to the ones Kieren was administering soothingly to his chest. And between the two of him, Simon’s hold on Kieren’s legs seemed to abate. Just a bit at first and then in a sudden, larger degree. Whatever the medicine was, it was doing its job and working fast, thankfully though not fast enough to scare Simon senseless and make his tentative grasp of reality slip and more importantly his awareness of them. Which was unquestionably Simon's only anchor now in a sea of tumultuous, agonizing memories.
“That’s it.” Sue soothed softly. “Good boy now.”
“Relax.” Kieren soothed, drawing the word out slow, lips against his ear. “I have you Simon. Right here.”
Simon’s breaths suddenly started to fall much more evenly, dropping into a low, easier rhythm and when his eyes rolled back again he barely corrected them this time, more more slowly in fact, almost sluggishly - eyelids drooping.
“Okay Sue.” Dr. Ross said. “Just about.”
Simon’s breath caught, hooded eyes rolling back and this time, only a sliver of the white stayed visible and made no move to make a reappearance. His breath quieted considerably and now everyone was quiet. Waiting for Simon to relax more or two scared to disturb how relaxed he already was Kieren wasn't sure. He was torn between a strong mixture of both, barely moving now even, watching Simon raptly.
“He may stop breathing.” Russo said very softly and Kieren sent him a sharp look, realizing though a fraction of a second later that they didn't actually need to breathe. It was just a comforting, involuntary reflex. Just like they didn't have a beating heart anymore either. Although they were encouraged to continue breathing. Oxygenate what blood they had and encourage the production if there was a loss of it and all that.
“Okay.” Sue soothed and slowly, ever so carefully removed the mask. Kieren pulled in a breath he restrained from being a sharp gasp for fear of that even disturbing Simon, fighting back the urge to quickly tell her to put it back on. But they had promised, in so many words, to not completely knock him out. He wouldn't do that to him. Couldn't bare the panic Simon might feel at the last, unaware of what blackness he was descending into and just what would be done to him in his lapse of consciousness. He couldn't, refused. Simon had been through enough, Kieren thought angrily.
Simon let out a soft breath and it was a very long second later before he took in another, much smaller one. An exhale was equally long in coming and Kieren had to admit - it was eerie, especially at how those hauntingly beautiful eyes of his were barely visible, almost completely rolled back into his head until his eyes looked nearly white. So different from Kieren’s but equally as intense.
Compelled, feeling as if for the moment the storm was silenced, he pressed his lips closer to Simon's ear and whispered ever so softly. “I love you Simon.”
And he didn't know if Simon would remember his confession or not but he felt compelled to tell him. And to tell him one last thing. Because if anything right now, he knew Simon would feel the complete opposite - of which was the farthest from the truth.
“You’re so brave.” Kieren closed his eyes a moment, wiling himself for the first time to really relax, as much as he could - feeling Simon here in his arms as alive as they could be, safe and finally, finally soothed and quiet. And his eyes found his mom’s.
Sue gave him a triumphant, relieved smile and Kieren managed one back, a tear slipping down the side of her face. She looked touched, her smile turning much more warmly and she looked as though she wanted to wipe it away but refrained. Simon was still awake. Barely. Just really, extremely sedated. Even still, no one wanted to frighten him. Perhaps especially now.
Kieren looked up and saw a stretcher being wheeled in and for some reason, that didn't settle well, sending a concerned look that almost begged them to reconsider. Above all else regretting he couldn't carry himself. What if Simon woke up? What if the motion of it brought back painful memories? Wouldn't it? And even if he could carry him he didn't even know where he'd take him but somewhere. The hell out of here if he could.
Sue didn't appear to like the idea either.
“How long will he stay like this?” she asked the doctor.
Russo replied just as soft. “No more than an hour.”
Sue turned troubled eyes to Steve and their eyes connected.
Emboldened, taking in a calming breath, Steve turned determined eyes to the doctor. “We’ll take him home. I’ll do it there.”
Russo looked as shocked as Kieren felt, floored even. “Are you sure Steve?”
“Yeah.” Steve said quickly and then, forcing a bit of bravado, lifted a shoulder in a shrug. “One bullet, ten or so stitches. I've got a lovely nurse. No big deal.”
Right. No big deal. Just confronting all his worst fears and past traumas, he wasn't sure for Simon but because Kieren alone loved him. For Kieren. For his son.
Kieren swallowed around a massive lump in his throat and another tear followed the previous one, quickly pulling himself together or at least making a valiant attempt. Sue quickly reached out to give his leg a firm but gentle squeeze and Kieren nodded at her that he was okay, sending her a relieved smile.
“Okay.” Steve said and though it looked like he was forcing himself to move, he did it with determined steps, treading cautiously. “Sue? Pull the car around will you love? Quickly now.”
Sue nodded and turned the tank valve holding the sedating gas down and off, sending a quick, questioning look at Simon when it squeaked closed. But while he was trying to move his eyes, just a bit, they immediately rolled back to where they had been before - blankly staring at the ceiling. She then quickly hurried for the door.
“Okay.” Steve said again, flashing Kieren a reassuring smile. “Hand him over to me will you son? It’s okay. I won’t let anything happen to him.”
His smile waned considerably into something more pained when Kieren struggled to do just that, turning a hopeless expression up at his father. Suddenly, it was painfully hard to let go of Simon and it was like he had forgotten how to do just that.
“I promise.” Steve assured him and Kieren heard it, a solemn promise at that, the only thing that let him relax his grip at last.
“Easy dad.” he said, easing from behind Simon, putting a hand to the back of his head to support it as his dad set his jaw, lifted with his knees, and carefully started to stand. It wasn't without effort, Simon was a full grown man but he managed, cradling him against his shoulder, sending Simon a concerned glance or two to make sure he was all right.
“It’s okay Kieren I've got him.” and to Simon, a little breathless now. “I've got you son. Up we go now, atta boy.” But Simon didn't make a sound, his breath though quickening just a bit.
Kieren quickly forced himself to stand, willed his stiffened legs to cooperate and reached out to sooth Simon, stroking his chest with a hand. “It’s okay.” he whispered. “Everything is okay. I’m right here. Dad’s got you.”
Through the small windows in the hospitals main front doors they saw the car pull around, the tense wait for it a short one. Kieren glanced at his dad, who shared it, almost as if they were gathering themselves for what they had to do in the scale of an hour. It seemed like an insurmountably short amount of time. Far, far too little.
“Steve? I’ll get you some supplies.” Dr. Russo said, as if realizing the same thing himself, quickly leaving the room.
Sue came back in, pushing the doors open for them as Steve stepped out with Kieren, Simon completely limp in his arms. Probably - no pun intended - complete dead weight. Shirley moved from where she and everyone else had practically been grounded to the floor in their shock and in the aftermath of Simon’s sheer panicked episode, holding the other door open as Sue held the other so Steve didn't have to step sideways through the doors. Even still he was careful, taking his previous promise to Kieren with utmost seriousness, glancing back to make sure Simon’s head was clear before stepping completely through the doorway and down the short steps to the waiting car. And Kieren felt it if Simon couldn't. They were free from the hospital.
Sue held the back door of the small family saloon open and Kieren without thought quickly got in first, reaching out his arms for Simon once he was in. “Here.”
With Sue and Shirley’s help they managed to ease Simon inside, into the back, Kieren stretching out a leg against the seat and taking Simon into his arms, stroking his hair and rubbing a hand over his chest - holding him tight, unsure if the touches were completely for Simon or for him as well. To reassure himself that Simon was back in his arms, that he was doing all right. Just the feel of him was enough to calm his frayed nerves. Kieren almost felt jittery, probably from some sort of adrenalin response, the memory of it at least, or maybe a phantom energy rush like people could feel phantom pain. Probably from so many emotions at once over the course of two or three hours, so many that he didn't really know what to do with. He barely registered the door shutting, as focused on Simon as he was, and maybe it was just the gas or somewhere in there Simon knew they were free of the hospital too - but he didn't even jump.
And that, all those events, happening in a startlingly short amount of time and a sudden amount at that - a cacophony all at once really, a shattering of ‘normal’ or rather their uneven tense return to what they pretended could pass for it - brought Kieren to the here and now, Simon shaking and crying in his arms - letting out little moans that strangled his still heart and lungs.
The drugs were starting to wear off. Fifteen minutes between hospital, home, Kieren’s bed, and preparing the medical supplies - and for Steve to prepare himself. It hadn't exactly made Kieren nervous as his dad had shakily pulled some gloves on, squeezing his hands tight to stop the tremors. It wasn't that he was afraid he’d hurt Simon. Kieren was wondering instead if he could do it at all. Worried about what this would do to his dad. The ramifications.
And, a fear of something else that he knew was palpably shared. They were running out of time. It was now or never and driving Simon back and making him endure the hospital all over again wasn't bearable. Making any of them endure it again though that thought felt like a selfish thought. It wasn’t Simon’s fault. It was the horrible, unspeakably evil people that had done this to him. Inflicted so much trauma to someone who didn’t deserve it. Used him just like the ULA.
“Dad?” he asked, giving him a worried look.
“I’m okay.” he said, grasping his hands together and staring down at the instruments laid out beside him by Sue - who looked like she wanted to touch him but was holding herself back. As if to not disturb or undo the process of pulling himself together like he was. And no, it was more than that. It was, Kieren realized, exactly why his dad was so emotionally shut down or unused to displaying them so openly. He was shutting down. Shutting his emotions off and drawing them as tight around himself as he’d ever seen. Because if anything his dad was soft in the middle, a squishy, emotionally caring man that didn't take being wounded well. Kieren felt sad all of a sudden. Wondering the cost, seeing the cost and realizing it would take time to get him back to the way he had. Which had taken a veritable emotional exorcism on Kieren’s part months ago. A much needed one at that.
“Okay.” Steve said, picking up the forceps decisively and putting a hand to Simon’s back. “Here we go.”
Simon sluggishly flinched at his touch, and the moan that sounded pulled from his lungs like a wounded - drugged up animal made tears blur Kieren’s vision momentarily, holding him closer. They didn't dare take his shirt or jacket off or at least not yet. Maybe they were avoiding it but he sensed the reaction would have been much, much worse if his dad’s latex covered hands had actually made contact with Simon’s skin. They didn't feel much. But even the sensation or the pressure of touch and the knowing was for them enough because really it was all they were going to get. Right now though it would definitely be the worst thing for Simon.
“Okay.” Steve said, eyes narrowed and brow furrowed in concentration. They’d pulled a reading lamp over from Kieren’s desk, a lamp with a bendable metal neck - ancient at least to be from the eighties but it was certainly bright enough to work as a surgical lamp that was for certain.
Kieren made the mistake of glancing down at Simon’s shoulder, they hadn't risked laying him down on his stomach because that was probably how they had... had done things to him. Even though Simon could barely hold himself up and all of his weight was squarely on Kieren. At some point, when they'd just been ready to get started Jem had returned. From where she hadn't said but it had taken her sitting behind Kieren and holding his shoulders, bracing him from behind to even allow him to hold Simon up at all. Simon was, literally, dead weight.
The metal forceps were deep enough in Simon’s shoulder that it sickened Kieren, who couldn't look away even though the sight was gruesome. The sound was worse and he heard Jem swallow behind him heavily, voicing something Kieren at the moment couldn't bring himself to say. “How did you even do this for a living?”
Jem and her mouth sometimes. Mum must have given her a disapproving look because she apologized a heartbeat later and sounded like she meant it. Kieren himself had been wondering the same thing though he had more tact not to voice it. Unlike his sister.
“Almost got it.” Steve murmured and while his hands had trembled strongly earlier, they were as steady as concrete now, his expression tight with concentration. Despite his ability to handle the emotional strain not through any weakness on his part but more so because of his immense unguarded compassion - Steve was doing this expertly.
“Here that Simon?” Kieren swallowed thickly, closing his eyes. “Almost there love. You’re doing so good. My brave man.”
Simon just groaned, his voice wavering on the noise like a tormented ghost. A tortured spirit trapped in Frankenstein's body.
Kieren swallowed hard, hoping it wasn't that bad. His mind was doing enough to imagine how horrible his back could be all by itself without encouraging it as it was.
“He’s sounding more and more awake.” Jem said, and Kieren heard a bit of fear in her voice.
He’s not rabid, Jem. He silently chastised her but out loud he promptly told her to shut up. But his voice, unchecked, matched her own fear and anxiety for different reasons. Remembering Simon’s screams from earlier - horrible, horrible screams - he willed his dad to hurry. And at the same time begged him to be careful and don’t hurry, don’t make it worse. Don’t hurt him even though Simon hopefully couldn't feel any pain.
“That’s it.” Steve said, voice louder than before and he carefully pulled the forceps out. “Got it.”
A crumpled bullet, small and square now and slightly mangled from the impact into Simon's shoulder earlier - dropped into Sue’s waiting towel covered hands and his dad dropped the forceps like they were on fire, onto the tray beside him. They made a clang loud enough to make Simon shudder hard, groan, and give a weak heave - his stomach trying to rid itself of anything out of reflex. Kieren tensed, he couldn't help it, but thankfully it was dry. All the same, Sue remembered something the doctor had given her and quickly reached for it. A new medication, a drug, a bit like zombie Pepto. It was experimental at best but if swallowed it should coat the stomach and prevent vomiting. Supposedly. Right now it was being tested to see if it would allow PDS sufferers to eat food, even if they didn't need it. Just for the experience probably.
“Let’s try and get some of this down him.” she said, twisting off the lid and pouring it into a small plastic cup. Kieren was doubtful. For one, they had to get Simon to swallow it and he was barely awake enough to hold his eyes in the right position or from rolling into the back of his head. For two they had to get Simon to swallow it. A foreign substance, while they did surgery on him for the most part, bringing back horrible memories no doubt and Kieren wasn't sure Simon could even really understand them all that well. Convincing him to swallow it was another matter entirely. And another downside was the sheer amount he had to drink. It wasn't a spoonful oh no. It was more like five or six large spoonfuls, more even.
He was extremely skeptical. But he didn't know how fast it took for PDS sufferers to regenerate more of that black... Stuff. And honestly he didn't want to find out. He really, really didn't.
Steve quickly realized he’d have to rest Simon against him so that they could give him the medicine. Moving everyone around right now though was a musical chairs obstacle they couldn't exactly afford - especially for Simon, even as gently as possible, as awake as he was starting to become. So Steve reached out and gently eased him back with a gentle grip on his shoulders, Kieren helping from his end with a firm hold on Simon's arms, everyone murmuring soothing, tense words and handling Simon like an armed bomb. Kieren quickly reached up to help guide Simon’s head when it almost fell back, catching it thankfully and holding it up with a hand. Simon’s mouth hadn't closed since the gas had taken effect, parted, lips dry and right now Kieren was grateful for that much - taking the preferred cup of white... Liquid chalk from his mom and placing it up to his boyfriend’s lips. At least he didn't have to convince him to open his mouth on top of everything else. “Simon? You have to drink this love. If you can hear me, you need to drink this. It’ll make your stomach feel much better.”
He hoped.
Shockingly, when he eased the cup carefully up, even though Simon made a horrible face at first - as much as he could as drugged as he was, which wasn't all that much - he did swallow it, Kieren's heart swelling with love at the overwhelming display of trust. And while the first swallow went down, Kieren giving the next bit to him slowly, it gave them too much false hope because the second came right back up - adding white to his already black stained face. Simon coughed a little and Kieren winced, immediately pulling the cup away and giving him a moment. “C’mon love. I know it’s awful. I know. But you have to try hard for me Simon.”
Simon’s eyes suddenly rolled down and met his and Kieren caught his breath. But he was just watching him, like he was trying to figure out what he was saying, almost uncomprehendingly. Kieren swallowed nervously. He was waking up more. Much more. Moving his eyes was becoming too easy and they were running out of time.
“C’mon love.” Kieren urged, finding a smile, whispering practically, voice soft. “You have to try.” Cautiously he tipped the cup back up and, Simon’s eyes held his as he managed another swallow. A victorious one at that. He couldn't hold them there anymore though, too exhausted, and they slipped back as after a long moment he managed to swallow some more. “That’s it Simon. That’s my brave man. As much as you can love. You can do it.”
It was like between heavy swallows, he forgot what he was doing. Kieren had to take it easy because anything else and he would have choked. But thankfully, miraculously, he managed to drain the cup with coaxing.
“Attaway kid.” Steve praised, breathing out his relief with a smile.
“Good job Simon.” Kieren agreed, relaxing himself, happy when his mother passed him a towel. “You did it. You did. I’m so proud of you.” he said, wiping Simon’s face off as good as he could. While the white went easily and a lot of the black, the rest of it would take coaxing. They needed a shower, they all did at this point - badly. At this point Kieren was going to bathe for a week. Jem at first had barely been able to bring herself to touch him when she’d first sat down to help him hold up Simon and honestly he didn't, couldn't blame her.
“We have to get his top layers off.” Steve said a beat later in the silence of the room and just like that their momentary victory was cut short. Abruptly.
“Let’s do it.” Kieren said, urging the momentum forward again. They couldn't lose it now. “Let’s just do it. As quick and as easy as we can. Come on.”
Bolstered, although shakily, between Steve and Kieren the jacket came off with relative ease. And with trembling fingers, Kieren undid the buttons of Simon’s shirt, Sue the cuffs. Kieren would easily admit he’d imagined this. Sitting in front of Simon, unbuttoning his shirt and revealing the skin beneath. But not like this. And for some reason he almost willed Simon to forgive him. That they’d have time to do this right another time.
Kieren pushed his hands inside and yes, Simon’s cool skin felt heavenly against his palms. He was told by doctors that if in a heightened emotional state, touch could become more sensitized, almost enough to be normal. Maybe. Certainly by now Kieren felt like that was the case because his hands nearly felt alive against Simon’s skin. He had to swallow hard and rush past the sensations, helping his dad divest him of his shirt and add that to the pile. They would have more time to do it properly later, Kieren silently promised them both.
That was when Sue looked down and then promptly blanched.
His mom, as a nurse, was pretty unflappable. She’d changed his diapers, nursed him through sick spells as a kid and there was that time that Jem had somehow managed to put a coat hanger through her hand on accident. And while their dad had practically passed out through no fault of his own, she’d handled it pretty well. And that time Kieren had had the flu so bad, aggravated by way too much cotton candy, that it had provoked projectile vomiting of epic proportions. She’d handled all of that like a superhero and much more than that even. But he’d never seen her look like that before. Genuinely and truly shaken, putting a hand over her mouth in abject horror.
“What?” Steve asked, glanced down, and then immediately and quickly forced his gaze away, sucking in a shocked breath. “Oh my god.”
Kieren gave them startled glances and oh, oh he didn't want to know. He couldn't see it, he couldn't. He was angry. So angry. So numb, so emotionally helpless to what he was feeling he couldn't stand it. His worse fears and imaginations were wrong. They couldn't be anything less, he wouldn't let them be. It just wasn't fair. It was so horribly unfair to Simon it hurt. It hurt as much as Kieren could probably ever feel.
“Sue.” Steve said, swallowing hard. “A blanket, grab a blanket.”
“Just let me hold him-” Kieren said, his voice breaking.
“No!” Steve said quickly, and then he calmed himself. “Just... Let’s cover him up a bit first Kier trust me.”
Before Kieren could protest or gather himself or remember what feeling properly was again, his mother came back with a sheet and quickly put it over Simon’s back. “Okay, okay there we go. There we go.” she murmured and he was startled to see her usually steady hands had trembled briefly.
“Yeah?” Steve asked, as if she was sure - really sure.
Sue nodded. “Yeah.”
“Okay Kieren.” Steve said.
Kieren tried to even out his shallow breaths, and he didn't want to call them hysterical breaths but maybe, and drew Simon close. And... The blanket didn't cover everything. He saw enough that made him go absolutely cold from head to foot.
“Oh bloody Mary, Jesus Christ-” Jem said, slapping a hand over her mouth.
“Jem!” her mother scolded but while it was heated, it was far from what it could be. It was like she didn't have the energy to do anything more and her eyes seemed to actually agree with her assessment.
Kieren felt himself just go... Blank. Like an out of body experience, suddenly he was feeling so much that he seemed to short out and even voices around him seemed to disappear and his world dissolved into a ringing silence. The scar started just under the injection hole in Simon’s neck. It almost wasn't so bad. If it didn't keep going and it just... It just stopped there. Maybe a few inches. But the ragged scar, stitched together by rows of stitches just... Kept going. And getting wider. And uglier. And blacker and worse until, just inches above the blanket, the stitches couldn't widen enough and the tip of a gaping... Expanse could be seen.
Kieren could see his spine.
“Kier-!”
The voice sounded worried and suddenly were joined by more worried exclamations of his name.
“Hey, hey, hey!” Jem shouted at him and Kieren hastily blinked, hard, and his hands reflexively grabbed hard enough at Simon as he tried to keep from passing out that it startled his boyfriend too and he cried out in shock, breaths coming harsher and when had that happened? When had Kieren’s breathing suddenly matched Simon’s own frantic gasps?
“Kieren. Son.” his dad said firmly to him, reassuring and strong and firm. “Stay with us okay? Stay with us.”
“Sorry, sorry-” he hastily apologized, softening his grip on Simon but it was turning a bit desperate and his apologizes quickly turned from his mom and dad and Jem to Simon. “I’m so sorry.” a soft sob was briefly wrenched from him. “Simon I am so sorry-”
“C’mon. Hold yourself together you pussy.” Jem said but her own voice cracked and he heard her make a hasty sniff she tried to make sound as nonchalant as possible. It failed and that was okay, it really was, because Kieren grasped onto the affirmation that she did care, at least a little, like a lifeline.
He saw Sue make some of her own, more silent attempts to gather herself and Kieren nodded quickly. “Hurry dad.”
Steve already had forceps in hand and pressed a gloved hand to Simon’s back, the man giving a terrified moan and grasping onto Kieren hard enough for it to hit him like ice water. He felt alert. Very alert. They were really running out of time. “Almost there Simon. You’ll be okay. This is the last of it. You can do it.” he said in bit of a rush, remembering his voice again.
The first time the needle pierced his skin, Simon sounded like he’d been stabbed, and that was when the crying started. The shaking began as a tremble, he wasn't stronger to do more. But something seemed to break and he just started crying. It was like a dam had burst. As if he’d just broken, the fear gave, and only a flood of emotions remained. Everything channeled into this. Raw, pure pain and sorry. Just everything. Everything in those broken cries.
It was far worse than the screaming.
Kieren would take the screaming back in a heartbeat than to hear this gut wrenching pain instead. To see Simon just dissolve and collapse under the suffering and vent it, vent it all in such a hopeless, uncontrollable way. This was going to kill Simon later. He’d never be able to look at them again and it made Kieren hold him closer still. Words failed and he couldn't help it. He just started crying himself, squeezing his eyes shut and pressing his face against Simon’s, struggling to keep himself as quiet as humanly possible. No one tried to stop him, Jem didn't even bother calling him a girl for it.
When, minutes later, his dad announced quietly that he was done - Kieren felt a rush of relief so strong he thought he might black out again, hugging Simon close to him, as much as he was able or dared, and it was over, it was over - it was really over.
“Let’s clean him up.” Steve said but Kieren felt so outside of things right now he really couldn't bring himself back in.
“Both up.” Sue said and Kieren felt a hand on his shoulder.
Forcing his eyes open, Kieren looked at his dad, who gave him a reassuring smile through his own pale expression. And the gloves were off his hands, when had that happened? Probably not soon enough for the former physician.
“Home stretch son. We have to get you both in the tub.”
Kieren managed an exhausted nod and told himself, like a balm to his tattered nerves and raw emotional state - everything was okay.
The ‘Second Rising’ disaster was over. He hadn’t hurt anyone, he hadn’t been killed thanks to Simon - Simon, his beautiful, brokenly amazing love - Amy was fine. He hoped the insane Maxine got the full extent of the law on her and now maybe she would now that Amy was human again - actually human - and that made his head spin. Everything did. It was all right, it was okay, and they were in the home stretch. The rest was picking up the pieces.
Getting Simon into the tub was a struggle. Everyone was tired and so it did take everyone. Jem left, grateful when she was told she wasn’t needed because there was no way around it - everything on Simon and himself had to come off. It was nothing his mother and father hadn’t seen since the day he was born and Kieren was almost too tired to be embarrassed, cradling Simon in his arms from where he was bent over him, the Irishman stretched awkwardly out on his back in the tub. He couldn’t even hold him really so he just held his head and cradled him in his lap. Out of respect and for Simon’s obviously growing embarrassment as he steadily became more aware, they draped a towel over his hips, Steve giving one of them a reassuring, firm pat. “You’re okay son. All covered up.”
And it wasn’t... Easy. They were infinitely careful of his back, Sue holding a towel up against his sides to catch running water to keep it away from the... Exposed area. It wasn't just an open wound that might do good with some gentle cleansing. It was his spine. They couldn't fathom the ramifications of getting that wet and Kieren wondered how the man ever bathed or showered. There was no way he could.
Kieren was too exhausted to handle much surface area than Simon’s face so he focused on that, holding his eyes with his own and smiling at him through his own exhaustion, infinitely grateful for what felt like the gift he had in his arms. It felt like they had another chance. No more ULA, no more ‘cult disciple Simon’. Just Simon. Just them. It really felt over. And that felt so good it hurt. It was like walking into sunshine after eternal darkness.
Steve bathed Simon gently, with the hands of a professional and the loving touch of a father. Kieren felt soothed by this, assuaged. He’d never trust Simon with anyone else. It was a shocking feeling of possessiveness he knew would be mutually shared under the circumstances. Without thought or action, after Kieren had come to his sense of self again, Simon hadn’t hesitated to pull him to his feet in the graveyard, tuck a possessive arm around him and that was well and that. Holding him and touching him over and over to assure himself he was alive and well, not registering Kieren’s family or anything else for that matter. Kieren felt much the same way now but he had to share for the time being.
Sue controlled the water and bathing Simon was certainly a very careful process, sheltering his back from any of it - his mum and said diligently patient. Kieren could feel the stitches in Simon's back pressing into his bare leg, out of the water at least and that was a relief... As much as it was a slightly chilling feeling.
Getting Simon out was another matter entirely. Kieren almost slipped and fell and he shuddered about permanently breaking anything but luckily that was averted for everyone. Helpfully, Simon did manage to stand with a lot of help but once he was in an upright position, it was maybe just a bit too quickly. Once, on a family holiday, Kieren had held a new baby cousin for the first time. He’d been about fourteen or so and he really did like children so he didn’t mind. But, as he’d lifted the two month old upright from where he’d been reclined against his arm, to settle against his chest, the baby had spit up all over his shoulder. And why they called it ‘spitting up’ he wasn’t entirely sure. Yes they did that too but often it just all ran out of their mouth like they had no control over it. With something close to a hiccup or maybe just a hitch in his breath, Simon did just that, the stomach medication or what looked like a good portion of it running out of his mouth - down his chin and over his chest, the clean clothes they had given him. It over in a quick second, too quick for it to barely register on Simon, but after everything else - especially everything else - it really didn't bother Kieren. At all.
“Oh Simon.” he groaned fondly, gratefully accepting a towel from his mom as she hastened to clean him up too. “You’re just having a horrible time aren’t you?” and even though he winced as he said that, the miserable look Simon gave him - a very accurate ‘why me?’ couldn’t help but pull a bit of a smile from him. “It’s okay.” he consoled him. “Couldn’t help it.”
“Right after that bath too.” Steve laughed softly, no hint of being upset at that at all, wiping at his chest after stripping him gently and carefully of his clothes. Really how could they be? They just couldn’t. And at least it wasn’t black, at least Simon’s body hadn’t ripped it from his body in great convulsions. Actually it was completely white. Just unprocessed medication. Kieren wasn't quite sure to call it a success or just a vomit replacement at this point.
They put him in a new white tank top and boxers before his barely regained strength gave out completely and Kieren didn't hesitate to crawl into bed with him, pressing as close as he could and holding Simon as tightly as he dared. He was bone deep exhausted and Simon was hardly awake. Anxiety had given away to exhaustion after the ordeal and even the gas wearing off didn’t seem to matter. He was out and asleep uneasily against Kieren’s shoulder practically within minutes.
“Get some sleep boys.” Sue whispered, her and Steve tucking the blankets around them and even though they really didn’t need it, the act of snuggling deep into a fresh comforter and sheets was immensely soothing.
Sue stroked a hand over Kieren’s head and pressed a kiss to his forehead, dropping her hand briefly to his shoulder and Steve did much of the same, giving Simon’s shoulder an ever so gentle and cautious pat when he pulled away.
“You need anything, you yell for us okay?” Steve asked, “We’ll be close by. Anything at all.”
“We’re okay dad.” he said and he swallowed around a swell of emotions. Gratefulness, awe, love, wonder, amazement, thankfulness. All of it swelled over him in a great tide. Instead he could only manage an ‘I love you’ to them both. But it was well and enough it seemed, Steve and Sue exchanging glances and giving him an answering smile, seeming to hold back a well of their own emotions.
“You’re okay. Thanks to that man right there. And that’s all that matters.” Steve said and his voice wavered, blinking back tears. Sue sympathetically put a hand on his shoulder, leaning into his side and Kieren felt his own tears well up again. Why did he ever, ever take himself away from them? Why had he ever hurt them so badly? Let them experience the loss of a child? It seemed so painfully foolish now and he would have to break it to Simon when he was more clear headed that whether he wanted it or not or rather if he felt he deserved it or not, he was well and adopted by the Walkers now. He’d prevented them from experiencing the same pain again and Kieren himself was infinitely grateful for that.
Sue and Steve left then, leaving Kieren and Simon alone, and Kieren let the rhythmic motions he was making with his hand against Simon’s chest lull him further to sleep. It seemed they all had wounds. His mom, his dad, him and Jem. Everyone. They seemed so open, like there wasn’t a bandage for all the world that could cover them. But he realized that was just it. They had to be each other’s bandaids. They had to be the dressings that cover the wounds, as a family, together as a whole.
Kieren’s hand cautiously moved lower, settling over Simon’s lower back where he knew the worst of the scaring was, open and exposed and swallowed heavily. He’d be a bandage for this too. As Simon already was for the ones on his wrists. He’d keep that wound protected, sheltered, and be any balm he could to it. He would be the emotional dressing that kept him whole. Of that he promised.
~FIN