Chapter Text
“Now we all fall for the bad ones,
They’ll just break us cause we’re so young, dumb and vulnerable.”
- Mayday Parade, Angels
* * *
And then he wakes up. And the feelings are gone, and the colors aren’t bright and shiny and new, and there are no love songs with lyrics that hit home. He wakes up and he realizes that he isn’t really in love, that it’s all just a fantasy, a dream not come true. He wakes up and he’s alone.
Truth be told, Phil should probably be used to it by now; he’s been single for the past couple of years. There’s been dates here and there, nothing serious, and on the off chance that they actually ended well for him, it was nothing worth committing over. And aside from viewers, who technically don’t count, no one’s really shown him any romantic interest. Everyday, he wakes up in a bed too big for just one person with half of it empty and he feels empty. Like something - someone - is missing from his life but that’s the worst part; someone is missing, but he doesn’t know who. So he can’t go out and get them and bring them back into his life, he has to wait for them to find him.
So he waits, and he continues waiting, and he’s been waiting for years, and he’s still alone.
Most of the time, he doesn’t mind the wait because he knows in the end - whenever it may come - it all would have been worth it, but lately, the wait seems neverending and as much as he hates to admit it, Phil just wants someone. He wants someone who will love him as much as he loves them, someone that will makes him feel all the things that he feels in his dreams. He wants someone. He wants to be someone’s someone.
* * *
Phil brings his knuckles up to tap against the door frame of their office, but then notices the headphones covering Dan’s ears and he opts to throw a small pillow at him instead to catch his attention. He smirks a bit when Dan jumps and screams, “Jesus Christ!” in shock, and then turns around to glare at his friend. “Can I help you?” he asks, sarcasm dripping from his lips.
“I’m going out to Topman to pick up some new clothes for Playlist,” Phil tells him. Even though it’s still a month before Playlist Live, he wants to be prepared, as he’s probably going to leave all of his packing to literally hours before their plane takes off. Besides, he wants a new shirt, preferably with birds on it, for Florida.
“I can come with you.” Dan offers, but he’s been seated at his desk for hours working on this video and Phil can easily see he’s only halfway through it.
“No, you’ve got to finish this video. I don’t want to break your rhythm.” Phil tells him. “And besides, I don’t mind going alone.”
“If you’re sure.” Dan tells him, going to turn around but then stopping himself to tell Phil, “Just don’t do that thing where you buy something stupid when you can’t find what you actually need.”
“Dan, I haven’t done that in months.” Phil rolls his eyes.
Dan reaches over for something on the desk and picks it up, revealing to Phil a package of multi-colored index cards. “You did it last week.” he says.
“We need index cards!” Phil insists. “For… note taking purposes.”
“Then why hasn’t it been opened?” Dan asks him, a condescending smirk on his face that Phil decides to wipe away completely by taking the package of index cards - which, yes, he did buy because he couldn’t find what he was actually looking for in the store but that’s besides the point - and opening them, then grabbing a pen and writing “Dan smells” and handing it to his housemate.
“There, now it’s fulfilled its purpose.” Phil says triumphantly, and then turns on his heel to head out of the apartment for the afternoon and get some shopping done.
* * *
Truth be told, Phil isn’t the best shopper. He’s a bit indecisive and it’s even worse when he’s alone. He’s easily swayed by sales associates trying to get him to buy something - anything, really - and whenever his goal is to buy more than one thing, he always ends up leaving with a cool looking t-shirt, which is great… for one day, not an entire weekend. Although, Dan does this thing where he decides his new shirt his his absolute favorite and wears it all the time - but Phil likes variety. So he needs to leave Topman today with more than one really cool tshirt, that’s his mission and he chooses to accept it.
He walks around Topman, albeit a bit aimlessly as he isn’t entirely sure where to start… shirts, then shorts? Shorts, then shirts? Should he even get shorts? How hot will Florida be? What if it rains? Maybe he doesn’t need any form of trousers and just stick with getting some new shirts. But how many shirts should get get? Should he be daring and consider getting a vest? Or maybe -
“Excusez-moi.” Phil pauses in his search for the perfect shirt at the sound of a masculine voice with a French accent, and turns around, blinking at the sight of a six foot tall brunette with deep brown eyes and a wide smile standing before him. “Would you like some assistance?”
“Uh,” Phil pauses for a second, licking his lips and reminding himself not to say anything stupid in front of the cute boy - even though he probably will. “Actually, yes, I would.”
“I thought so, you looked a bit… lost.” the sales associate - Phil glances at his nametag and sees that his name is Leo - tells him with a sheepish smile. “So, what are you looking for?”
“Well, I’m going to Florida next month,” Phil starts. “So I guess some t-shirts… uh, probably a pair of shorts-”
“Ah, I know just the thing!” Leo interrupts him. He beckons for Phil to follow him, which he does, and Leo leads him over to a rack of clothing. He sifts through the tops for a moment before selecting a floral vest and showing it to Phil. “This, this is perfect.” he declares.
Phil bites his lip, taking a moment to chose his words carefully. “I’m not sure.” he finally says, hesitantly. “I - I’m not really a vest person -”
“Ah, but you have such great shoulders.” Leo tells him, and Phil’s face suddenly feels hotter than the surface of the sun.
“I do?” he squeaks, then clears his throat. He’s almost positive that the entire top half of his body is red.
“Great shoulders.” Leo repeats, and once again tries to hand him the best. “At least try it on? You might like it once you’re wearing it.”
“I - okay.” Phil gives in, because no one’s ever told him that he has great shoulders before and Leo’s accent is so nice and pretty, Phil can’t help but to at least consider buying the shirt. Even if he doesn’t like vests.
“You said you needed shorts right?” Leo asks him, and when Phil nods, he leads him over to another rack of clothing and helps him find a pair of shorts that match the vest he picked out for him. And in just a matter of minutes, Leo’s assembled a complete outfit for him - an outfit he wouldn’t even pick out for himself, to be honest. But Leo insists that he’s going to look magnifique, as apparently he has great shoulders and “nice long legs that were meant for shorts”, and Phil’s positive that he hasn’t blushed this much in his entire life.
Leo helps him put together two more outfits, and then helps him pick out something he actually came for - a really nice tropical birds roller t-shirt and a black t-shirt with an American flag printed Mickey Mouse on it. Leo encourages him to try on his new outfits, which is honestly Phil’s least favorite part of shopping, but he knows Leo’s right; he won’t know for sure that he likes the clothes until he tries them on.
He sends Phil in the direction of the changing rooms, where he puts on the first outfit, the floral vest and the shorts, which honestly, even though it’s not an outfit that Phil would pick out for himself, actually looks really nice together. However, he can’t help but to feel a bit exposed, as his shoulders and arms and legs are all bare, and he shivers because Topman is cold and he’s not used to showing this much skin.
“Everything okay in there?” Leo’s voice rings out, and Phil’s ears go red at the realization that he probably spent longer than he needs to in the changing room. He chokes out a, “Fine!” and then steps out so Leo can see his outfit. Leo smiles another wide smile when he sees Phil, “Wow.” he says. “You look incredible.”
Phil rubs the back of his head bashfully, “You probably say that to all your customers.” he says.
“Nah.” Leo shakes his head. “None of my customers are as cute as you.” he says with a wink, and yeah, Phil literally cannot stop blushing.
By the end of his evening, he ends up buying all three of the outfits that Leo had picked out for him, as well as the two t-shirts he picked out, and maybe he went a little over his budget but Leo is quite convincing, and Phil might’ve fallen a bit for his French accent.
He pays for everything and as Leo hands him the receipt, he tells him, “I know this isn’t entirely professional, but I had a good time talking to you today, and I wrote my number on your receipt in case you wanted to continue…” he motions between himself and Phil and says, “This.”
“O - okay.” Phil stutters, unable to fight the smile on his lips as he looks down at the receipt in his hands and sees Leo’s number scrawled out across the top of it. He glances up at him one final time and smiles, the pair of them bidding each other adieu before Phil leaves the store.
Phil’s in a daze as he leaves Topman and heads towards his bus, and he can’t stop thinking, did this really happen? Honestly this is something out of a book or a movie because cute guys don’t just give out their numbers to him, especially not ones with attractive French accents and deep brown eyes you could get lost in for hours. For a second he considers the fact that maybe this isn’t real, and maybe he’s having another one of those great dreams that leave him feeling empty and lonely when he wakes up - but then he trips over a crack in the sidewalk and nearly falls on some lady seated on a bench, banging his knee on the side of the bench in the process and it hurts like a bitch so he knows this has to be real.
He looks down at Leo’s number once more; he told him to text him if he wanted to continue “this” but what even is “this”? Sure they flirted a bit, well Leo flirted with him and Phil awkwardly accepted his compliments, but was that even grounds for the start of something new?
He boards his bus, taking a seat in the back by the window, and he stares down at Leo’s number and his phone before deciding, fuck it, because he’s never going to know unless he tries. He carefully keys in Leo’s number, then goes to text him, but pauses. What should he say? ‘Hey, it’s me - the guy from Topman from five minutes ago’ or should he be more casual and just say ‘Hey’ but then he might not know who the hell is texting him and he might not reply. He could just simply say ‘Hey, it’s Phil’ but then he remembers that he never told Leo his name and Phil groans to himself, because this should not be that hard.
Finally, he just settles on texting him ‘Hi’ and he hopes for the best.
About two minutes later (because he definitely was not staring at his phone waiting for a reply), his cell phone vibrates and he fumbles to unlock it and read the message he had received.
‘Would this happen to be the beau monsieur who I assisted in Topman a few minutes ago? :)’
Phil’s eyebrows knit together, and he goes to Safari to Google search “beau monsieur” because he wasn’t the best at French in school so it probably doesn’t mean what he thinks it means. It takes him a bit of scrolling, but soon enough he finds out that Leo just called him handsome, and it’s enough to make him start smiling and blushing all over again.
He ends up texting Leo for the entire duration of his bus ride, and his cheeks actually hurt from smiling so much, and Leo is just so funny and cute and he really likes Phil and Phil really likes him. Again, it was like something out of a book or a movie, and their connection was instantaneous and there was a spark between them and it’s enough to keep them to keep them talking. As he’s walking off of the bus, he checks his phone once more and nearly trips when he sees that Leo asked him out on a date for this weekend.
His palms are sweaty and he nearly drops his phone as he struggles to walk and text, and he keeps telling himself ‘be cool, be cool’ but he doesn’t think he can be cool about anything because he just got asked out on a date and it feels like it’s been eons since that’s happened.
It takes him three tries to accept Leo’s date in a way that doesn’t make him sound like a complete knob, but when he finally does, he can tell Leo’s just as excited as he is and they make plans to properly talk on the phone later tonight to solidify their plans, and Phil is all but shaking with anticipation because he’s going on a date this weekend. And he can’t remember a time when he was this happy.
He feels like he’s floating as he walks inside of the flat, and Dan notices straightaway. “You’re in a good mood.” he says to him. “Did you get a really awesome shirt at Topman?”
“Yeah, I did get a really awesome shirt,” Phil says, placing his bags down on the floor as he sits next to Dan on the couch. “And a date!” he says with a wide smile.
“A date?” Dan repeats, his eyes widening a bit. “You - you have a date?”
“Yes!” Phil is positively giddy as he explains meeting Leo - who helped him shop and then gave him his phone number - and how the two of them were texting during the entire duration of Phil’s bus ride home. He goes on to tell Dan how funny and cute Leo is (he even goes as far showing Dan some of the messages Leo had sent him), and he tells him how Leo asked him out on a date and he said yes, and once again he can’t keep the smile off of his face.
Dan, however, isn’t smiling. “Wow, this really isn’t like you, Phil.” he says after taking a moment to collect his thoughts.
“I know,” Phil admits. “But he seems really nice and I’m not going to lose anything by accepting a date with him.”
“You don’t even know him.” Dan points out.
“Well, that’s kind of the point of a first date.” Phil argues.
“I just think it’s a bit… strange to accept a date with someone you’ve only talked to for an hour,” Dan says carefully. “Don’t you think you’re rushing things a bit?”
“No, I don’t.” Phil says confidently, though truth be told, he is feeling a bit deflated now. “Leo’s nice and I like him, so we’re going on a date. What’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing’s wrong with that, I’m just saying -”
“Need I remind you,” Phil interrupts. “I’m almost thirty, so I’m pretty sure I can make my own decisions about who to date. Plus, I appreciate the concern but I can take care of myself.” he tells him, and Dan just rolls his eyes. Phil sighs, almost defeated by Dan’s lack of enthusiasm over his news. It’s not like he expected party poppers and confetti, but maybe a smile would be nice. “I’m just excited!” he tells him. “I haven’t been out on a date in a long time, okay? And it’s not like I get asked out often - nevertheless flirted with.”
Dan scoffs, “Excuse me, I flirt with you all the time!”
Phil rolls his eyes, “You telling me corny pickup lines so I make you dinner isn’t exactly flirting.” he tells him. “And besides, that’s joke flirting; I’m talking about serious flirting like Leo was doing today” Dan sighs, discontented. and Phil’s eyebrows knit together. “Why aren’t you happy for me?” he asks him.
Dan bites his lip. “I am happy for you,” he says, suddenly feeling guilty for the way he’s acted in response to Phil’s big news. “Trust me, I am; I’m just looking out for you, okay?”
“Well, I appreciate your concern,” Phil says. “But don’t worry about me; there’s nothing to worry about. Everything is going to be just fine.”
* * *
The weekend rolls by faster than Phil expects it to, and before he knows it, he’s getting ready for his date with Leo. His hands are shaking as he rifles through his closet, looking for the perfect thing to wear, and he’s sweating so much, even though he’s taken a shower he’s considering taking another.
He turns to Dan, who’s supposed to be helping him, but he’s just lying on his bed with his laptop open, scrolling through whatever website, Phil doesn’t know and he kind of doesn’t care because he’s got a one track mind at the moment and it’s focused on his date. “Dan, help me!” he whines.
Dan glances up at him. “Are you planning on meeting Leo in a towel?” he asks, a teasing smirk twitching at his lips.
“No!” Phil pouts. “I don’t know what to wear, and I just want to look nice!”
“You always look nice,” Dan says idly, looking back down at his laptop screen. “Stop stressing so much.”
“I can’t help it! I want tonight to be perfect,” Phil tells him.
“It’s a first date, nothing about it is going to be perfect,” Dan tells him, which is actually no help at all.
“Any advice?” Phil tries. “You know, seeing as you are my best friend and you probably should be kind of encouraging right now?”
Dan pauses, as if he’s actually mulling this over, and he finally just says, “You guys are going to Starbucks right? Don’t spill your coffee on him.”
Phil sighs. “Thanks.” he mumbles, then turns away from Dan, looking back inside of his closet to try and find something to wear tonight.
Dan bites his lip, glancing up at Phil again, before shutting his laptop and climbing off of his bed to stand behind Phil, and he rests his chin on the dark haired boy’s shoulder and tells him, “Wear plaid. You always look really nice in plaid.”
“Oh.” Phil seems startled. “Thank you.”
“And just try and relax, okay?” Dan continues. “You’re a really great guy, and Leo’s going to love you even more after tonight. Just… be yourself.”
Phil worriedly chews on his bottom lip. “What if myself isn’t good enough?” he asks hesitantly, something that’s been on his mind for a while now. There has to be a reason that nobody’s wanted to date him for sometime now; maybe it’s him. Maybe he’s just not good enough for anyone.
“Then he’s the one who’s not good enough,” Dan says firmly. “Because - no pun intended - you’re amazing, and anyone who doesn’t think you are is a spoon.”
The older boy chuckles a little. “Thanks.” he says, tilting his head to the side so it’s resting next to Dan’s.
“Now, get dressed, you’re running out of time.” Dan tells him and Phil yelps when he realizes that Dan’s right and he is running out of time to get ready. He finishes getting himself physically ready just in time, as Leo is ringing their bell just as he gets his shoes on, but he’s barely mentally ready for this. He feels like a teenager going on their first ever date; his stomach is doing flips and his heart is pounding a mile a minute, and he can’t remember a time he was this nervous.
Inhaling a deep breath, he exits his room and makes his way to the lounge where Leo and Dan are waiting for him. Leo stands as he walks in the room, and Phil waves shyly at him. “Hey.”
“Hey, you.” Leo tells him, his accent as this as Phil remembered it and even though it’s been a few days since he'd last heard Leo’s voice, it still makes him melt. “Are you ready to go?”
“Yeah, let’s go.” Phil smiles as Leo reaches for his hand, lacing their fingers together, and he finds himself hoping that his palms aren’t as sweaty as he thinks they are. He turns his head over his shoulder as Leo’s walking him out, looking back at Dan with a wide smile on his face, and Dan gives him two thumbs up and mouths, “Good luck.” to him.
* * *
Phil’s all but relieved when Leo offered to take him to Starbucks for their date, as it’s a familiar place to him and overall relaxing to him, and that’s just what he needs tonight. He hates that he’s so nervous and worked up about all of this, because he’s a grown man and he shouldn’t be so terrified to go on a date - but he is, he’s terrified of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing. Because Leo is just so great and even though he’s only known him for a few days, he really does like him and he wants this to work out.
But Leo’s just so smooth and charming, and he keeps flashing Phil that wide smile of his and Phil never thought it’d be possible to find someone’s teeth attractive, but it’s as if Leo has piano keys in his mouth and he’s never seen a smile more perfect. He holds Phil’s hand tightly in his own, his thumb caressing his knuckles and he fills the empty silences between them with questions for Phil to answer so he can get to know him. And Phil’s replies are a bit shaky, but Leo holds onto his every word, as if what he’s saying is the best thing ever.
They make it to Starbucks without Phil tragically embarrassing himself (he gives himself a little pat on the back for not tripping or anything), and once they’re at the front of the line, the barista asks for their order.
Phil opens his mouth to order his favorite drink, a caramel macchiato, but Leo beats him to the punch and orders two salted caramel mochas for the pair of them. He turns to Phil and smiles, “Is that alright with you?” he asks.
Although Phil had never tried that drink before, he nods eagerly and tells him, “It’s great.”
They get their drinks, then find a table in the back, secluded from everyone else, and Phil and Leo sit across from each other, drinks in hand and smiles on their faces. “So,” Phil starts the conversation. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Of course, mon cher.” Leo tells him.
Phil blushes, “Uh, this is probably a dumb question-”
“I’m sure it’s not.” Leo cuts in quickly, reaching out for Phil’s hand to give it a reassuring squeeze.
Goosebumps explode all over Phil’s arms and he can feel shivers rolling down his spine in waves, and he exhales a nervous laugh before he asks Leo, “What - what made you want to ask me out? I’m kind of curious.”
“Why not?” Leo replies with a shrug. “You seemed like a really sweet guy, and not to mention, very cute.”
“Oh, stop it.” Phil chuckles, looking down at his drink bashfully.
“You are cute though.” Leo insists. “I like your eyes.” Phil blushes again, toying with the stirrer in his cup, and glances up when Leo asks him, “So, why did you say yes to going out with me?”
“Why not?” Phil retorts, and they both chuckle. “I thought you were really nice, and I really liked your accent.”
“I get that a lot.” Leo says, and Phil chuckles again.
“So, what brings you to London?” Phil asks him. “I mean, assuming you aren’t originally from here.”
“Well, you’d be right about that.” Leo says. “I lived in France for most of my life, but after I high school, I took a gap year and did a lot of travelling. I stumbled upon London while I was travelling, and fell in love with the city, so I decided as soon as I had the chance, I would move out here. And it’s a lucky thing that I did.” he adds, winking at Phil.
“Stop making me blush!” Phil laughs, looking down bashfully.
“But you’re so cute when you blush.” Leo tells him, reaching out to lightly stroke his red cheek lovingly. “You’re even cuter when you laugh and your tongue pokes out.”
“Oh shush, I’m not that cute.” Phil tells him, feeling overwhelmed in the best way possible by Leo’s words. “Not nearly as cute as you are, Mr. Six-Foot-And-French.”
Leo laughs, and it’s a loud, rich sound that rings out in Phil’s ears and gives him the same feeling he gets when he listens to his favorite song. “You’re funny, Philip.” when he says Phil’s full name, it sounds like he’s adding on an ‘e’ at the end and Phil never thought he’d like his name French-ified, but hearing Leo say it sounds nice. Really nice.
“You’re not so bad yourself.” he says with the utmost sincerity.
Leo grins at him. “So,” he starts. “What’s your story?”
Time ticks on and before either of them have realized it, the minutes turned to hours, and they both agree to get another drink just so they have an excuse to stay seated across from each other with their fingers interlocked across the table. And the conversation keeps flowing, and it’s soon transformed from basic getting to know you stuff to “Wow, you like that too? I thought I was the only one!” They soon find that they both have so much in common, more than either of them would’ve thought, and it doesn’t take long for Phil to realize that he was right before; he really did have nothing to lose when he said yes to Leo asking him out, but he had no idea he would’ve had so much to gain.
After a while, Phil’s phone vibrates in his lap, which causes him to jump slightly. He sees it’s Dan calling him, and he excuses himself for a moment, getting up and heading to the men’s room to answer the call. “Hello?”
“Hey, it’s me.” Dan says. “Sorry for interrupting, but I just wanted to make sure everything was going okay.”
“Yeah, it’s going really great.” Phil tells him, his lips stretching into a smile. “Leo is really amazing, and I think we’re hitting it off.”
“Ah, that’s good.” Dan tells him. “So I don’t need to show up because of a sudden relative death and whisk you away to the hospital?”
“Not at all,” Phil grins widely. “Don’t wait up, yeah?”
“Gross.” Dan says, and Phil chuckles. The two of them say goodbye to each other, and Phil exits the bathroom, making his way back to Leo.
“Everything alright?” Leo asks him.
“Yeah, it was just Dan.” Phil replies, holding his phone up before pocketing it and bringing his hands back to the tabletop, and Leo reaches out for his hands, lacing their fingers together. Phil looks up at him and smiles, and Leo smiles back.
“So,” Leo breaks the silence. “We’re just about done here, how about we go for a walk before you go back home?”
“Sounds great.” Phil says, and their date extends for another hour, as Phil and Leo walk hand in hand through the streets of London. Whenever Phil thinks they’re going to run out of things to talk about, they never do, and there aren’t anymore awkward silences. And Leo makes Phil smile until his cheeks hurt and laugh until he can’t breathe, and everything about tonight was so simple yet it was so perfect - like something out of one of his dreams.
The date comes to a proper close when the two of them find themselves back in front of Phil’s apartment, and Leo’s lips are on Phil’s and he feels weightless. He feels like he could float up to the sky like a balloon and the only thing keeping him literally grounded right now is Leo’s arms around his waist, holding their bodies close. Phil’s eyes fluttered shut upon original impact, but he swears he can see stars right now.
A moment passes before they break their kiss, and Phil rests his forehead against Leo’s for a moment, and he asks him softly, “So, am I going to be seeing you again, Philip?”
“Of course,” Phil’s voice is soft like Leo’s is, like the two of them are exchanging a secret meant only for their ears, and Leo gives him one final peck on the lips before they depart for the evening.
* * *
Phil feels like he’s walking on clouds as he makes his way up to the main floor of their flat, and he realizes that it’s everything he’s ever dreamed of - literally - except, it’s even better than anything he’s ever dreamed of because it’s real.
“Oh hey,” Dan says when Phil enters the lounge. He’s seated on the couch with the TV on, but there’s a bunch of infomercials currently playing, which tells Phil that he really wasn’t paying attention to whatever he was meant to be watching. It doesn’t take a genius to know that Dan was waiting up for him to get home. “So, how was your date?”
“Incredible.” Phil sighs and he grabs one of their throw pillows and hugs it to his chest, and he feels like a giddy teenager. “I had a really great time.” he adds. “And I’m pretty sure that we’re going to be going on a second date.”
“That’s great.” Dan’s smile is too wide and all but forced, and he feels terrible about wishing that Phil’s date wouldn’t go so well, because he’s selfish and he likes Phil and wants him all to himself. And it’s going to hurt in more ways than one if Phil winds up with a boyfriend, but he’s not so selfish where he’ll actually tell Phil any of this. Phil’s happy right now, the happiest he’s ever seen him in a long time, and Phil’s happiness is more important to him than his own. So he’s going to shut his mouth and force a smile for as long as he needs to. “I’m glad you had such a good night.”
“Yeah, me too.” Phil sighs happily, and okay, Dan kind of wants to puke because now he feels like he’s in a John Hughes movie and Phil is Molly Ringwald and he’s just been cast as her best friend who gets to listen to her sigh happily about a guy.
“D’you maybe wanna watch some TV with me?” Dan asks him, reaching for the remote to put on a movie or something for them to enjoy together. “And you can tell me all about your date.”
Phil opens his mouth, ready to say yes, when his phone starts vibrating. He looks down and sees that Leo’s calling him. “Yeah, just give me a second.” he tells Dan, before getting to his feet to leave the room and talk to Leo.
Dan sighs a bit, and turns his attention back to his laptop, pretending that whatever just happened didn’t hurt as much as it did.
* * *
The remainder of the month goes by in a blur of dates - Phil’s and Leo’s dates - and Dan finds himself on the sidelines watching it all, like a soccer mom cheering on her kid. Except he feels less like a soccer mom, and more like a jealous asshole because that’s kind of what he really is.
He’s happy for Phil, he really is. And he hasn’t seen Phil this happy in a long time, so that in itself makes him happy as well, but there’s still a part of him that isn’t happy. Because for the past four years, it’s always been just the two of them, and now they’ve got someone else in the picture and Dan can’t stop thinking that he’s going to be replaced.
It’s no secret that Phil likes Leo, really likes him. When they aren’t out on dates, they’re talking to each other all of the time - texts, phone calls, facetime calls. Leo’s not over that often, but Dan almost always hears his voice echoing off the walls, and he can’t help but to roll his eyes at the sound of his annoying French accent. There’s just something about Leo… something that he can’t put his finger on, but Dan really wants to dislike him. He doesn’t though, and that’s the worst part. Leo is so charming and sweet and he makes Phil so happy, that Dan can’t help but to like him a bit.
But there’s that voice in the back of his mind that keeps bringing up the idea that Dan could end up replaced by Leo, and then there’s the part of him that wants to dislike Leo for that reason alone. And he knows it’s wrong (and he knows he’s a selfish and jealous asshole) but Phil is his best friend, and there’s no one he loves in the world more than Phil - as a friend and as more than a friend - so the idea of losing Phil terrifies him. And Leo’s already so much better than he is in so many ways, he wouldn’t blame Phil for liking him more, but that hasn’t made the past month any easier on him. It’s like he’s a little kid and his parents have separated, and now he has to get used to the fact that they’re seeing other people now; and it’s weird and he doesn’t know how to adapt to any of this, he just knows he has to.
Ultimately, he doesn’t tell Phil any of this. When Phil leaves for one of his dates, he smiles and tells him to have a good time. When Phil leaves in the middle of their anime watching sessions to talk on the phone with Leo, he tells him to tell Leo he said hi. But he doesn’t tell him how he really feels about any of this, because he isn’t that selfish and he doesn’t want to put Phil in a predicament that would make him uncomfortable. He just wants him happy, and if Leo makes him happy, then he’s just going to put his feelings about the situation aside and simply grin and bear it.
* * *
Phil can’t even describe the euphoria he feels today, the hour before his and Leo’s fifth date - which might end up being his favorite date that they’ve been on, as they’re going to the zoo. Phil honestly feels like a little kid again because he loves the zoo and he loves animals, and he loves spending time with Leo so call him silly, but he feels like today could be the best day ever.
When Leo finally arrives, he bids Dan adieu, and they both catch the bus to the zoo. Phil struggles to contain himself as he and Leo are thrust into the world of animals, and he resists the urge to run up to every animal that he can and try and pet or talk to them. But despite him trying to tone it down, for Leo’s sake, he does have a great time. They manage to see almost of the animals, and Leo’s animal impressions are so ridiculous that they make Phil laugh so hard, he thinks he’s got abs by the end of their trip.
Their zoo date is coming to a close after a few hours, and they walk together, hand in hand as per usual, to catch their bus back home. “Today was really great,” Phil says as he and Leo walk a bit, swinging their hands back and forth slightly.
“I’m glad you had such a good time.” Leo grins at him, and he raises Phil’s hand to his mouth, kissing his knuckles lightly. “So,” Leo stops the two of them in their walk and moves so he’s standing in front of Phil. “This may be a bit old fashioned of me, but I have something I’d like to ask you.”
“Okay…” Phil says slowly, a nervous chuckle ripping at his throat as he feels his heart rate pick up slightly.
“So,” Leo says again, and both he and Phil chuckle nervously. “This might be a dumb question-”
“I’m sure it’s not.” Phil cuts in, giving Leo’s hand a reassuring squeeze - just like their first date, and they both smile fondly.
“Right, so you know what? I’m just going to say it.” Leo says and he takes a deep breath, smiling at Phil and asks him, “Will you be my boyfriend?”
Phil’s heart has leapt up into his throat and he can barely choke out, “Of course!” happiness radiating off of him, as he squeezes Leo’s hands even tighter. And Leo pulls him to him, kissing him on the lips, then on the tip of his nose afterwards, and Phil was right; today was the best day ever.
* * *
“Dan? Dan!” Phil holds Leo’s hand tight in his own as the pair of them make their way through the house, heading towards Phil’s bedroom where they’re going to formally announce to the world (well, to the portion of the internet that are subscribed to him) that they’re together - but not before Dan knows.
“Yeah?” Dan meets them in the hallway, and he sees the giddy smiles on both of their faces and he raises an eyebrow. “What’s up?”
“Leo asked me to be his boyfriend!” Phil says happily, and Dan’s stomach drops at the news and he’s getting that John Hughes Film feeling right now because he’s almost positive this is how Duckie felt in ‘Pretty in Pink’ and it’s a pretty shit feeling.
But Phil looks so happy right now, and he can’t stop smiling and Dan doesn’t have the heart not to be happy for him. “Th - that’s great!” he says. The smile on his face feels unnatural and unbelievably fake but thankfully Phil and Leo are none the wiser. “Um, don’t you guys think you’re rushing things a bit?” he asks him. “I mean, you’ve only been on a few dates and -”
“Don’t worry, Daniel,” Leo cuts in, and Dan hates the way his name sounds coming from Leo’s mouth. “I know it’s sudden, but the two of us are very happy together.” he turns to Phil and smiles at him. “Isn’t that right, Philip?”
“That’s right.” Phil seems almost hypnotized when he looks at Leo, the way he hangs off of Leo’s every word; it’s as if Leo’s got him under some kind of spell.
Leo pushes himself up slightly on his toes, as Phil’s got roughly two inches on him, and presses their lips together and Dan takes that as his cue to leave the lovely couple to themselves.
“C’mon,” Phil breaks their kiss after a moment and says, “Let’s go tell the internet!” he had made sure to tell Leo about his career as a Youtuber on their first date, to make sure that he was okay with the fact that Phil talked to a camera quite often and uploaded videos to the internet - a phenom that Leo didn’t quite grasp immediately, but the more Phil talked about it, the more accepting he was of it. Phil wasn’t used to having non-Youtube friends so he was feeling really anxious and nervous as he set his camera up in front of his bed. “Okay, I’m just going to check the lighting, and then we can start filming.” he tells Leo.
“You’re so professional.” Leo smiles at him. “Honestly, this isn’t what I expected but it’s très cool.”
Phil blushes like he does whenever Leo compliments him and his stomach flips a little when his boyfriend lets his French vocabulary slip into whatever he’s saying. He utters a “Thank you.” as he finishes getting everything ready, then turns on the camera and takes a seat next to Leo. “Okay, so don’t be nervous or anything,” he tells Leo, reaching out to take his hand and give it a comforting squeeze. “Just act natural.”
“Okay.” Leo says with a nervous laugh.
“So I usually start my videos going, ‘Hey guys!’ and waving to the camera,” Phil explains to him.
“Yeah, I know; I’ve watched a few of your videos.” Leo admits.
“Have you really?” Phil asks, surprised in the best way possible, and he leans over to press his lips against Leo’s cheek. “You’re the cutest.”
“Not as cute as you, mon cher.” Leo replies and kisses his cheek in return.
“Okay, so are you ready?” Phil asks him, and when Leo nods in confirmation, he slips into his AmazingPhil persona and looks at the camera with a smile. “Hey guys!” he waves at the camera with his free hand, his other hand still holding onto Leo’s. “So, I’m happy to announce that I’m making this video with someone special…” he pauses for a moment, and motions to Leo as he excitedly says, “My boyfriend!”
“Bonjour!” Leo waves to the camera in the same fashion that Phil does, and their video continues, Leo and Phil being adorable together, kissing in between takes and laughing together. The video ends up serving no real purpose other than informing his subscribers of Phil’s new relationship status, but Phil smiles and laughs the entire time, and doesn’t let go of Leo’s hand for a second.
* * *
A month into the relationship, everything changes, and neither Dan nor Phil could’ve anticipated it. The only difference is, Phil is very welcoming in these changes, while Dan is more or less put off.
Ever since Leo and Phil became Phileo, as the internet refers to them as, Leo’s been spending a lot of more time at their flat, which at first Dan didn’t care about but it soon grows to become so annoying. And since Leo’s over all the time, Dan’s no longer needed to help Phil film or even make his usual cameos - as Leo beats him to the punch more often than not. And now, when Phil does liveshows, everyone asks him “Where’s Leo?” instead of “Where’s Dan?” and it’s something Dan didn’t think would bother him but it does. A lot.
The real problem however isn’t Leo, it’s Phil. Because Phil’s just so stuck in the honeymoon phase that his mind is on Leo twenty-four/seven, and that in itself is even more annoying than the fact that Leo is always around. Phil’s got a one track mind lately, and it’s all Leo; all he talks about is Leo, all he thinks about is Leo, all he cares about is Leo. And aside from the fact that it’s really annoying, it’s also really upsetting because if Dan wasn’t afraid of being replaced before, he definitely is now.
At least he’ll have Phil all to himself for Playlist Live weekend next week… or so he thought.
“Did you find out if we’re doing any panels next week - oh, for fuck’s sake.” Dan rolls his eyes when he looks up from his phone to see Leo and Phil snuggled up on the couch, kissing each other. He clears his throat loudly, which startles the pair of them and causes them both to jump slightly as they break their kiss. Dan raises his eyebrows at Phil, which causes the older boy to utter an apology, and Dan asks again, “So, did you find out if we’re doing any panels next week?”
“Uh, I don’t think so.” Phil says, trying to remember the details of the email he had received about their schedule at Playlist. “We might be doing something on stage, though.”
“Might?” Dan repeats.
“I can’t remember.” Phil admit sheepishly. “But I have the email-”
“Phil!” Dan sighs. “Playlist is next week and we’re nowhere near ready; can you please focus?”
“Sorry.” Phil apologizes again, looking down at his lap, and when Leo leans over to kiss his cheek, he perks up immediately. “Hey, I have an idea!” instead of looking at Dan, like he was expecting, Phil turns to Leo and says, “Do you want to come to Playlist Live with us?”
Dan’s eyes go wide and he has to bite his lip in order to keep him from exclaiming, “Are you fucking kidding me?” and Leo asks him, “Are you sure you want me tagging along?”
“Of course!” Phil says, eagerly. “You can meet all of my American friends, and I’m sure the viewers are going to be excited that you’re there! Please say you’ll come?”
“You’ve talked me into it,” Leo says with a smile, and Dan rolls his eyes again. So much for having Phil all to himself for the weekend.
* * *
Playlist Live weekend rolls around, and even though Dan isn’t exactly thrilled about Leo tagging along, he can’t help but to be happy to be reunited with all of his American friends - starting with Cat who picks the three of them up at the airport. Dan’s the first to greet her, because apparently being in love makes you walk painstakingly slow, and he grabs her and pulls her into a tight hug, something he thinks he’s needed for a while now.
“Hi! I’ve missed you,” Cat gives him an extra tight squeeze before breaking their hug, and she glances behind Dan for a second, then points with a smile. “Is that-”
“Yup, that’s Leo.” Dan says with a heavy sigh, the name tasting bitter on his tongue.
Cat glances at him, clearly picking up on his tone of voice - she’s clever like that - and gives him a look that clearly says, “We’ll talk about this later,” which quickly transforms into a welcoming smile as Leo and Phil approach the pair of them. Phil introduces Leo to Cat, and then the four of them exit the airport, ready to begin their weekend in Florida.
They run into a couple of friends, as nearly everyone is arriving to Florida around the same time, and some fans as well, and everyone just seems to just fall in love with Leo. They all think he’s so charming and sweet, and if Dan has to hear “You guys look so cute together!” one more time, he’s going to get on a plane and go back to London, because he’s already sick of this. Sure, Leo is a great guy, but the way people are treating him, you’d think he was the one who found a cure for the common cold… or invented the DS. Maybe it’s because he’s bitter about Leo coming along in the first place, but Dan just doesn’t see everyone’s fascination with him. But lucky for him, Leo and Phil are once again none the wiser, and they believe Dan’s fake, way too wide smile.
As tradition dictates it, Cat, Dan, Phil, and now Leo, are meant to head to an amusement park after Dan and Phil get checked in - something they’ve done every year for a while now - but it doesn’t happen the way it’s supposed to. Because Leo doesn’t want to go out, something about being tired and wanting to relax in the hotel room, and Phil can’t convince him to change his mind; so what ends up happening is Phil and Leo stay behind, because Phil says that he’ll feel bad if he leaves Leo all by himself, and Cat and Dan go out by themselves, because there’s no point in all of them not doing anything and the two of them both had their heart set on heading to Epcot. Phil wanted to go too, Dan can see it in his eyes as he tells them that he’s decided to stay behind, but neither Dan nor Cat can talk him into going with them and the friends end up splitting up for now.
Being at Epcot without Phil feels strange, not just for Dan but for Cat as well. The three of them are a trio of sorts, and everything just feels wrong when it’s only the two of them; like only have marshmallows and graham crackers for s’mores - it works, but everyone knows you need chocolate for it to be complete.
“So,” Cat and Dan are seated together in fake Japan in Epcot, having an early dinner. “Do you want to tell me why you don’t like Leo?”
Dan’s not surprised; Cat’s extremely perceptive and she’s almost too good at reading people, so he knew that out of everyone he’d talk to this weekend, she’d be the one to figure out that he’s not thrilled about Leo being around. “It’s not that I don’t like him,” he starts, because with Cat, there’s no point in trying to put on a mask and cover up how he really feels, she’d figure out the truth anyway. “It’s just that…” Dan sighs, angrily throwing his little rice cake down on his plate. “He’s always there! He and Phil have only been dating for a month and they’re acting like they’re newlyweds or something! And he’s always around - god, every time I wake up, he’s sitting in my chair eating my eggs, and Phil just lets it happen! And when he’s not over, they’re always talking on the phone or on Skype - it’s like there’s no escaping him!”
“Wow.” is all Cat says, her eyes wide because Dan doesn’t really explode like this. “So, I take it this has been something on your mind for a while now?”
Dan sighs again. “This was supposed to be our weekend, you know.” he says sadly. “I was so looking forward to finally being able to spend time with Phil, just the two of us, and then he invites Leo with him to come along.”
“Aw, Dan,” Cat frowns. “Well, did Phil know you wanted this weekend to just be you two hanging out together?”
“No,” Dan admits. “I didn’t tell him, I haven’t told him any of this.”
“Maybe you should,” Cat suggests, but Dan shakes his head immediately. “You’re acting as if your feelings about all of this aren’t valid, and they are.” she insists. “Phil’s your best friend, and he was your best friend before he was Leo’s boyfriend, and he should know how you’re feeling.”
Dan shrugs. “I don’t want to come off like I don’t like Leo or something - because I do, I just miss my best friend.”
“Tell him that,” Cat tells him.
“I can’t.” Dan shakes his heads again. “Aside from the fact that he’s going to think that I’m not happy for him, I can’t get five minutes alone with him because freaking Leo is everywhere.”
Cat frowns again. “I can sick Beta on him if you want,” she says, shooting at an attempt to make her friend smile.
It works, as Dan’s lips twitch into a small grin. “Thanks.” he says with a small chuckle.
“Seriously though,” Cat says. “I think you should try to get Phil alone, and talk to him. It might not happen this weekend, but when you guys get back to London, maybe you’ll get the chance. He needs to know how you feel about all of this.”
“So, hypothetically speaking,” Dan starts. “Let’s say I tell him - what do I do when Phil accuses me of being a horrible best friend when I tell him I don’t like his boyfriend hanging around my house all the time?”
“First of all, Phil would never say that because Phil loves you,” Cat says. “And it’s all about how you word it - maybe you should leave out the part about it being your house and your eggs… whatever that means - but just be open and honest with him, and he should get the message.”
“I hope so,” Dan sighs, rubbing the back of his neck.
“It’ll all work out one way or another, Dan,” Cat reassures him. “But you have to talk to him first.”
“Okay, okay.” Dan says, and he manages a small smile for Cat’s sake so she won’t worry about him anymore. “I’ll try to talk to Phil.”
“Good,” Cat smiles, and reaches for her bag. ”So, want to check out some rides before it gets dark?” Dan nods in agreement, and they both depart from their meals and walk around Epcot, trying to make the best of their evening together, despite the fact that Phil isn’t with them. And ultimately, it ends up being a pretty fun day, but despite all of that, Dan can’t help but to feel a bit off without Phil with them. Like s’mores without chocolate.
* * *
Playlist weekend does no go the way Dan or Phil expected it to go, more so Phil than Dan however.
Phil was excited to have Leo accompany him to Florida and meet all of his friends, especially since everyone was so excited to meet him, but Leo’s been… distant, for lack of a better term. Phil can’t decide if it’s because Leo is shy to be around new people or if there’s the distinct possibility that Leo doesn’t want to meet his friends, but whenever he tries to get Leo to do something fun with him - go to an amusement park, go to a party - but Leo declines. He has excuse after excuse as to why he doesn’t want to do anything, and then he gives Phil those wide puppy dog eyes that convinces Phil to stay behind with him, and neither one of them end up doing anything fun this weekend.
It’s the last night of Playlist, and as tradition dictates, there’s a party. Everyone’s going to be there and it’s everyone’s last chance to meet up with their friends, as they’ll all be leaving soon. And Phil will be damned if he misses this party; he’s barely gotten to see any of his friends with weekend and he really wants to get to see everyone he hasn’t gotten a chance to even smile at over the course of three days.
“C’mon,” Phil’s pleading with Leo now because they’ve been going back and forth for nearly ten minutes, and Phil just can’t convince him to come along. “I want to go out, and I want you to come with me! You have to meet my friends, and I want to actually do something instead of sit in the hotel room.”
“Do we have to?” Leo sighs, the perfect mix of annoyance and seeking sympathy in his tone as he says, “I’d rather just stay in with you.”
Phil exhales sharply, then takes a moment to remind himself to count to three before speaking, because Phil is as stubborn as Leo is. “Come to the party with me.” he says in a tone that says ‘I’m not fucking around’ anymore. “This entire weekend has be revolving around what you want to do, and I just want to do one thing that I actually want to do.”
“Excuse me?” Leo sits up on the edge of their bed to look at Phil, fire in his eyes. “This whole weekend has been about you and your stupid Youtube thing.”
“It’s not stupid!” Phil says indignantly.
Leo rolls his eyes. “Stop whining, Phil,” he says. “You’re acting like a baby.”
“If anyone’s whining and acting like a baby, it’s you!” Phil says, and that’s when Dan enters their half of the hotel room, awkwardly glancing back and forth between Phil and Leo.
“Is everything okay?” he asks slowly.
“Leo is refusing to go out with me tonight,” Phil says, crossing his arms across his chest. “Even though we haven’t been out of this hotel room all weekend and I haven’t seen any of my friends the entire trip and I all want is to do something fun for an hour.”
Leo rolls his eyes again. “You’re being so dramatic!” he says, and he and Phil start properly fighting, both of them talking over each other, their voices raising as they try to make themselves heard.
Dan stands there awkwardly, debating on trying to defuse the fight and just not getting involved at all. But he doesn’t like the way Leo’s shouting at Phil, even if Phil is shouting back, and he can’t stay quiet for long. “How about,” he speaks up, which silences the fighting couple for a moment. “Phil just goes to the party and Leo stays here?”
Leo scoffs. “That’s a stupid idea.” he says simply.
Dan’s cheeks tint pink slightly and he looks down at his feet mumbling, “Okay, then.” But Phil’s reaction isn’t anything similar. “Hey, don’t talk to him like that!” he says to Leo.
“Well it is a stupid idea!” Leo insists. “I don’t want to sit in a hotel room, in a city I don’t even know, all by myself while you’re out having fun!”
“Well if you would come along and have fun with me-”
“You know, if you were a better boyfriend,” Leo cuts Phil off. “You’d stay in with me and not force me into doing something I don’t want to do.”
Phil scoffs. “Excuse me, but if you were a good boyfriend, you wouldn’t insult my best friend and keep me from seeing any of my friends!” he snaps.
“Why did you even invite me on this stupid trip in the first place?” Leo asks him.
“Well, I definitely wouldn’t have if I knew you were going to act like this.” Phil replies swiftly.
“Excuse me?” Leo raises an eyebrow at him, giving him a look that parents often give their children - one that says ‘are you sure you want to talk to me like this?’ but Leo isn’t Phil’s parent, he’s his boyfriend, and he’s going to say exactly what’s on his mind right now. “You came on this trip with me because you said you wanted to meet my friends - we literally had this conversation before you bought your plane ticket.” Phil tells him. “And now that you're here all you want to do is hang out in the hotel room and make me stay with you, and it’s not fair okay; it’s not fair to my friends who want to see me, it’s not fair to my viewers who want to see me, and it’s not fair to me! And I don't care if you want to waste your time in Florida cramped up in an old hotel room, but I don't. I want to see my friends.”
Leo gets up from the bed and goes to stand in front of Phil, and even though Phil’s got roughly two inches on him, it seems as if Leo’s ten feet tall right now. “You're being incredibly insensitive right now!” he says, his voice loud and booming, and it causes Phil to shrink back slightly, but nevertheless he stands his ground.
“How am I being insensitive?” Phil demands, because he’s not, he knows he’s not… or at least, he doesn’t think he’s being insensitive. He just wants Leo to get to know his friends and he just wants to enjoy his vacation, what’s so wrong about that?
“What do you want me to say Phil?” Leo asks, and he keeps raising his voice, and it makes Phil lower his because he feels intimidated right now and he knows that shouting isn’t going to solve any of their problems right now - Leo, on the other hand, seems to think differently. “I'm sorry for wanting to be with you? All I wanted was a weekend vacation with my boyfriend and you've done nothing but make me feel bad for this whole trip.”
“I told you from the get go that I'm very busy during playlist live weekend!” Phil exclaims, more frustrated than angry now because he hates fighting with people and more than anything, he hates fighting with people he really cares about. And he doesn’t want to fight with Leo, he just wants Leo to understand where he’s coming from - and he’s not. “I have meet ups and panels, and I want to see my friends that I don't see that I only get to see twice a year, if I’m lucky!” he tries to stay calm, but his voice shakes as he tries to explain all of this to Leo, hoping that he’ll convey to him that his intention is not to come off as insensitive. “And I told you that I was going to be busy but that you could come along if you wanted to and hang out with everyone. I never promised you an entire weekend with me all to yourself, I never would have said that! And I told you I was going to busy, so I don't know where you even got that idea from.”
“So your friends are more important than me?” Leo asks, and Phil groans loudly, running his fingers through his hair, because Leo is getting further and further from the point. “So going out to a party, drinking, and listening to crappy rap music is more important than being with your boyfriend?”
“I didn't say that, you're putting words into my mouth!” Phil insists. “All I'm saying is you can't expect me to drop everything and abandon all my plans just because you'd rather stay in the hotel all weekend. And you're definitely not getting any brownie points by being mean to my best friend.”
“Fine then!” Leo snaps, which causes Phil to flinch. He’s never heard Leo so angry before; he’s usually so nice and reserved and sweet, never like this. It’s as if he’s got a dark side to him. “Go out and be with your friends.”
Phil exhales sharply. “Good.” he says, his voice steady, even though he feels anything but right now. He feels terrible, but he doesn’t want Leo to know this. “Have fun sulking in the hotel room by yourself.” he sees that Leo is opening his mouth to say something, but he doesn’t give him the chance to; instead, he turns to Dan and says, “C’mon Dan. Let’s go.” and before Leo can say anything else, the two of them leave their hotel room.
As Phil walks with Dan, he feels conflicted. Part of him feels like he should feel accomplished right now -
after all, he’s getting what he wants, isn’t he? He should feel happy right now, and he technically won their fight so that’s another reason for him to feel happy about all of this, especially as he makes his way to the Playlist party. But part of him doesn’t feel happy, part of him just feels… sad. He’s sad he fought with Leo, sad he’s going to this party without him, sad that he feels sad about all of this.
He can’t get Leo’s words out of his mind, being called insensitive and a bad boyfriend… none of that is sitting well with him right now, and his harsh words are resting uncomfortably in the pit of his stomach. And granted, Leo probably only said those things because he’s as angry and upset as Phil was, but for some reason, that isn’t comforting him either. What if he really is a bad boyfriend? What if he really is insensitive? What if Leo’s going to want to break up with him now, because he’s so insensitive and such a bad boyfriend?
His mind is racing, and he can’t get it to shut up, and now he’s sick with anxiety because he just feels terrible about all of this. He should’ve known better than to try and force Leo to meet his friends and go out to parties - he really is insensitive.
“Hey!” Dan raises his voice to be heard over the sound of everyone at the party in an attempt to get Phil’s attention. “What’s wrong?”
Phil hesitates for a moment, and then says to Dan, “I think I’m gonna leave.”
“What? Why?” Dan asks. “You’ve only been here for an hour! You haven’t even seen half of our friends!”
“I know but I should apologize to Leo!” Phil tells him.
“Apologize for what?” Dan demands. “You didn’t do anything wrong!”
“I was mean to him.” Phil says. “And I don’t like being mean to people.”
“You weren’t mean - you were right.” Dan insists. “Leo’s been ruining our weekend, and you deserve to have at least some fun!”
“He isn’t ruining our weekend!” Phil tries to sound convincing, but even he doesn’t believe himself. “Look, regardless of how he’s acted this weekend, I was a jerk to him and I need to apologize!”
“So you’re just going to let him get away with being an utter asshole?” Dan asks him, and Phil can see that Dan is angry with him and hurt as well, and Phil feels even worse now because not only did he upset his boyfriend, but he upset his best friend as well.
“I was an asshole to him too!” Phil says. “And if I apologize, he’ll apologize as well, and all will be forgotten.”
“So it’s okay with you that he basically called me stupid?” Dan asks.
“I’m sure he didn’t mean it; he was just upset!” Phil insists. The music is loud and it’s giving Phil a headache - or maybe it’s the fact that Dan’s so upset with him right now, and he feels like he’s digging himself into a deeper and deeper hole with every word that he says, but he doesn’t know how to fix this. Maybe he’s just a terrible boyfriend and a terrible best friend as well.
Dan frowns at him. “And that makes it okay?” he asks, and even though the music is loud and his voice is getting softer, Phil can hear how hurt he sounds and he hate it, he hates this.
“Of course it doesn’t make it okay!” Phil tells him, and then sighs, bringing his hands up to rub his temples. “Look, Dan, you know I love you and you’re my best friend, but I just - I have to go make things right with Leo.”
And Phil turns to leave so he can pretend he doesn’t hear Dan say, “So it’s fine with you that things aren’t right with us?” and he feels like he’s been punched in the gut. He isn’t sure that this night - this weekend - could get any worse.
He says goodbye to the friends he passes on his way out of the party, trying not to feel hurt by their pleads for him to stay and hang out, and he makes the long, lonely walk back to his hotel room, his heart heavy and his feet dragging. When he’s back to their hotel room, he pauses outside, taking a moment to collect his thoughts before he unlocks the door and he lets himself inside.
He coughs lightly to catch Leo’s attention. “Hey.” he says.
Leo grabs the remote and mutes the TV, turning to him.” How was the party?” he asks him.
“Sucked.” is all Phil says as he walks across the room to sit next to him on the bed. “I’m sorry,” he says.
“Are you now?” Leo asks him, a small smile crossing his features and he wraps an arm around Phil’s shoulders.
“You were right, I was insensitive, and I’m sorry.” Phil tells him, a bitter taste in his mouth that he can’t exactly explain - or understand why it’s there - as he apologizes.
“Apology accepted.” Leo says, and before Phil can contemplate asking Leo if he has anything he’d like to apologize for as well - because he’s not an entirely innocent party - Leo leans forward and presses his lips to Phil’s. He then changes the subject, and like Phil had figured, all was forgotten - except not for Phil, because all he can think of now is how he left Dan at the party and hurt his feelings, and he still feels terrible.
Hours later, Leo has fallen asleep, his head tucked into the crook of Phil’s neck, and Phil sits there, wide awake and mind racing, constantly glancing at the door as he waits for Dan to get back. Finally, the door creaks open, and Phil goes still. He hears hushed whispers and laughs, and a minute or two passes before Dan actually enters the hotel room. “Hey!” Phil whispers, not loud enough to wake Leo, but loud enough so Dan can hear him. And Dan does, as Phil can see his silhouette stopping in mid-step, Phil takes a deep breath before he asks, “Are you still mad at me?”
There’s a painful pause that lasts far too long between the two of them before Dan just says, “It’s whatever.” and he goes over to his half of their hotel room, and Phil just lies there, his heavy heart weighing him down until he sinks into the stiff hotel bed, and hopes that he sinks down low enough so the world can swallow him whole. Because he feels like shit, and this is definitely the worst weekend ever.
* * *
The next day, Dan, Phil, and Leo prepare to board their flight back home to London - no point in staying an extra day or two, like Dan and Phil normally do, because extending this horrible weekend would be pointless. Everyone was ready for it to end.
They say goodbye to their friends, and Phil tries to ignore the way everyone says, “I feel like I barely got to see you all weekend!” to him. He’s feeling bad enough, knowing he pretty much bailed on all of his friends - Dan included, and he knows that Dan’s still upset with him because of last night. Everything is really awkward between the two of them and Phil hates it, because he and Dan don’t even really fight - at least not like this - and Phil doesn’t know how to diffuse it and make things normal between them again.
They’re all waiting at the airport for their flight, and since they have time before they have to board the plane, Phil decides there’s only one proper way to work this out: he’s going to talk to Dan.
He pulls Dan aside, away from Leo and for the most part away from the remainder of the airport occupants, and he asks him, “Can we talk?”
Dan sighs, rubbing the back of his neck the way he does when he’s feeling anxious. “I think we should talk later.” he says, not meeting Phil’s eyes.
“Dan, please.” Phil pleads with him.
“I don’t want to talk right now, Phil.” Dan tells him. “We have to get ready to board our flight soon anyway. Let’s just talk when we get home.”
“I’m sorry, okay.” Phil blurts out, and Dan raises an eyebrow, as if he wasn’t expecting him to say that. “I shouldn’t have brought Leo with us, and I’m sorry for ditching you all weekend, and I’m sorry for last night and -”
“Phil,” Dan interrupts him. “Look the problem-” he stops himself, sighing again and he rubs the bridge of his nose. “The problem isn’t you; it’s Leo.”
“Leo.” Phil repeats in a way that shows he doesn’t understand what Dan is getting at.
“I don’t like the way he treats you.” Dan admits. “Specifically last night. He was really rude to you - and me, but I mostly care about the fact that he was rude to you and then you apologized to him.”
“He was just cranky,” Phil insists, and at this point he isn’t sure if he’s trying to convince Dan or himself. “He was in a bad mood, and I wasn’t making anything better by being stubborn and arguing with him.”
Dan opens his mouth as if he’s going to say something, but he closes it, falling silent for a moment and Phil gets deja vu to last night when Dan came home from the party - the prolonged silence makes anxiety rip at his chest and twist his stomach into knots. Finally, Dan just asks him, “Can we please just talk about this at home?” and when Phil agrees, the conversation is dropped and neither of them say anything else until they arrive back home in London.
* * *
The flight back home feels longer than usual, and Phil is more than relieved when the plane lands in England because he just wants to be rid of this entire weekend - but he can’t until he and Dan have made up. The lingering thought that he hurt Dan haunts him throughout the day, and he almost can’t focus on anything else except getting Dan to forgive him.
After saying goodbye to Leo for the evening, Dan and Phil catch a cab back to their flat, the awkward silence between them still not thinning out and it’s almost uncomfortable for the two of them to sit next to each other, and Phil hates this. He hates Dan being upset with him and he hates fighting with his best friend… he just hates everything about this. And he hopes that it’s not too late to make things better between them.
They make it home, and they both know they have to talk; it’s written in their body language and the looks they shoot each other across the room. But neither of them speak up, and eventually, Dan disappears into his room, and Phil sulks into the kitchen, eating cereal out of the box as he struggles to gain the courage and confidence to approach Dan once again.
It takes a couple of minutes, but Phil finally makes his way to Dan’s room and asks him if they can talk. Dan stops playing the piano, his hands still over the keys as if he’s contemplating actually talking to Phil or not. After a moment, he turns around to face Phil, who takes a seat on his bed.
“I’m sorry.” Phil says again. “I’m sorry for everything this weekend and I just want you to not hate me anymore, please.”
“I don’t hate you.” Dan sighs. “I’m just…” he stops himself, struggling with what he wants to say before he sighs again and just tells Phil the truth. “It hurt when you chose Leo over me the other night. You’ve only been dating Leo for a month and you’ve been friends with me for four years, and you still chose being with him over me… again.”
“I didn’t choose anyone over anyone.” Phil tells him. “I just wanted to apologize with Leo for fighting with him, and then you got angry with me.”
“Because you spent all weekend blowing me off!” Dan exclaims. “You didn’t do anything fun all weekend just because Leo didn’t want to, and when you finally decided to hang out with me, you left me to go be with Leo!” Phil opens his mouth to say something, but Dan continues in his rant. “And it’s not just this weekend either - you’ve been doing this ever since you started dating him. And it sucks, Phil, okay? It really sucks to feel like someone’s second choice!”
“You aren’t my second choice,” Phil tries. “You’re my best friend, Dan, you’ll always be my best friend regardless of who I’m dating. I’m not intentionally trying to make it seem like I’m choosing Leo over you; I just don’t know how to please everyone,” he admits. “Especially since you don’t even like Leo.”
Dan looks down at his lap. “Who says I don’t like Leo?” he asks softly.
“No one had to say anything, I can tell.” Phil replies. “And you guys don’t have that much in common in the first place, so I get why you aren’t the best of buds, but it just really seems like you don’t like him at all and I don’t know how to please two people I care about the most when one of them doesn’t even like the other.
Dan bites his lip, “It’s not that I don’t like Leo,” he starts softly. “I just… I miss you.” he says, and Phil swears that he could right right now - he never expected their conversation to take this turn and he feels horrible. “Leo’s been getting all of your attention lately, and I guess I got a little jealous.”
“Why didn’t you just tell me?” Phil asks him, but he’s afraid of what the answer might be.
“I didn’t think you’d care.” Dan tells him, and it’s like a stab to Phil’s heart.
The older boy blinks in response to that, words failing him. “Wow.” is all he says for a moment. “You… you really must not think thank much of me if you really think I don’t care about my best friend of four years just because I have a boyfriend.”
“Do you even blame me?” Dan asks him, “You’re all ‘Leo Leo Leo’ lately and you’re gone all the time because you’re with him, and I never see you anymore. We even had plans to go to the movies together but you ended up just seeing it with Leo - you didn’t even remember we were supposed to see it together.”
“I’m sorry, okay!” Phil tells him. “I really am sorry! I just - I haven’t had a boyfriend in a really long time, and I’m not intentionally blowing you off or anything - I just like being with him. I had no idea that you were jealous because I spent so much time with him; I like Leo and he makes me happy. And before you say it, no that doesn’t mean I don’t like you or that you don’t make me happy. I love you, Dan, and I really like Leo and if I wouldn’t known how you felt it wouldn’t have escalated into this.”
Phil feels almost exhausted after saying all of that, and part of him feels a bit relieved to have said it but another part of him just feels guilty that he had to say it in the first place. Dan’s silent for a moment, and Phil waits for him to say something - anything - at all to him.
Finally, the brunette boy utters, “I just want my best friend back.” and Phil swears that he can feel his heart crack in his chest.
“Can-” Phil hesitates for a moment, before looking down at his twitching hands in his lap, and he asks softly, “Can I be your best friend again?”
At first, Dan doesn’t say anything, and Phil thinks ‘this is it’ and everything between them is over - until he feels Dan wrapping his arms around his shoulders, hugging him tightly, and Phil wraps his arms around the younger boy’s waist, pulling him in close and holding onto him with no intent of letting him go ever again.
* * *
Phil decides that things are going to change. He’s going to be a better best friend and a great boyfriend, and it’s all going to start now.
He decides that the problem starts with him, and he’s going to make sure he can manage his time better, because the main issues at hand is him spending more time with Leo than he does with Dan. And that’s just not fair to Dan, so after much consideration, he decides to tell Leo that he isn’t going to see him every single weekend, like they’ve been doing for a while now. It’s hard telling someone you want to see less of them, but Phil manages in a way that’s not only polite but it lets Leo know that he feels bad for neglecting Dan so much, and this is his way to try and make up for that.
Leo, however, is not as understanding as Phil hoped he would’ve been. And that’s when the fighting really starts.
Playlist Live was when they had their first fight, but that just seems to have just snowballed from there, as lately it just seems as if all they do is fight. At first they fight about Phil deciding he’s going to try and spend more time together because, “I’m your boyfriend, you don’t you want to see me?” and “Is Dan more important to you than I am?” and even though Phil apologizes relentlessly to him, he doesn’t back down, not this time.
Leo doesn’t back down either; he yells and shouts at Phil and tries to sway him to change his mind, and when he doesn’t he just gets more even angry with him and their fight ends up lasting way too long and ends with Leo storming out of the flat and slamming their door shut so hard a picture falls off the wall. And Phil just sinks down to the floor in despair because he doesn’t know how it’s come to this, but he just hopes it’s the end of it.
It’s not. Their entire relationship starts growing more stressful, though, because all they do is fight now. At first, it’s because Leo would try to make plans with Phil on nights when he knew that he already had plans with Dan; and Phil would tell him no, and that’s when a fight would break out. They’d yell and shout at each other, until Phil finds himself too exhausted to fight with him anymore and just hangs up on him. And he turns his phone off because Leo has a knack for continuous calls and texts, and all Phil wants is a nice evening with his best friend and not to have to deal with his boyfriend’s obnoxious behavior.
But even when Leo is at fault, Phil still finds himself apologizing. Because Leo has a way with words and he always says things that make Phil rethink everything he’s ever said to him and he feels bad for starting a fight. So he apologizes until Leo forgives him, and Leo always does - but Leo never apologizes.
The fighting doesn’t end, even after Phil apologizes. The couple find themselves fighting over stupid things - like what movie to watch, what to have for dinner, where to spend their evening together. Most of their dates end before they even get a chance to start because the two just can’t seem to stop fighting. And Leo shouts at Phil and says things that get Phil to second guess himself,. and more often than not Phil apologizes profusely to him. And the cycle repeats.
* * *
“Okay, so how about chinese and Attack on Titan?” Dan asks, plopping down onto the couch next to Phil (though truth be told, Dan would prefer to watch Attack on Leo, because even though he hasn't been causing any problems between Dan and Phil lately, Dan knows that Leo's been fighting with Phil a lot and he doesn't like it at all - not that he'll tell Phil that). It’s Saturday night - one of their bromance date nights, and there’s genuine smile on Dan’s face for the first time in a while and that in itself just makes Phil so happy.
“We watched Attack on Titan last week though.” Phil tells him.
“But we didn’t finish.” Dan protests. “Because someone fell asleep!”
“I wasn’t sleeping, I was resting!” Phil insists, and Dan laughs, shaking his head. Phil opens his mouth to say something when he’s interrupted by a knock on their front door. “Did you already order dinner?” Phil asks, the pair of them getting up from the couch and heading to answer the door.
“No, I didn’t.” Dan says, as confused as Phil is right now; they rarely get company, mostly because all of their friends live at least an hour away from them, but they especially rarely get company on the weekends.
Phil opens the front door, and both Dan and Phil stand there, shocked for a moment, when they see Leo standing there before them. “Hello!”
Phil looks to Dan for a second, then looks back at Leo. “Um, what are you doing here?” he asks slowly.
“I wanted to see you!” Leo tells him, a wide smile on his face.
Phil, however, isn’t smiling. “But you knew I had plans tonight,” he says, and his chest is tight because he can already feel a fight ready to break down.
Dan glances back and forth between the two of them. “I’m just going to… go get dinner.” he says, excusing himself and he quickly makes his depart away from World War III.
When he hears the front door shut, Phil looks at Leo, and sighs heavily. “Why are you here?” he asks him.
“Well, that definitely isn’t the greeting I was expecting.” Leo says, his smile fading.
“Leo, you knew that I was hanging out with Dan tonight,” Phil tells him, annoyance evident in his tone - because he is annoyed, really annoyed. He hates when Leo tries to crash his (for lack of a better term) date nights with Dan, and he hates it even more when Leo tries to convince him to spend time with him instead of Dan.
“Just come over,” Leo tells him, reaching for Phil’s hands, but Phil takes a step back because he’s not going to let himself be swayed into changing his plans just because of Leo. “Phil-”
“No, I had plans tonight, you knew I had plans tonight!” Phil tells him. “Why can’t you just respect my wishes?”
“Why can’t you just understand that I want to see you?” Leo asks, eyebrows knitting together and Phil can’t tell if he’s frustrated or hurt right now, but Phil knows either way it isn’t going to end well.
“You’re acting like I told you I never want to see you again - it’s not like that at all!” Phil tries to explain it as calmly as he can, but he’s getting more and more frustrated with Leo right now, especially since this isn’t the first time this has happened. “I just want to hang out with my best friend!”
“So that means you have to completely ignore me?” Leo demands, and he takes a step closer to Phil, closing the gap between them and making Phil feel about two feet tall.
“I’m not ignoring you, I see you all the time!” Phil insists. “You’re acting like I never want to hang out with you, and you know that’s not true!”
Leo huffs out an annoyed breath. “Phil-”
“No, don’t ‘Phil’ me!” Phil interrupts. “What is so wrong with me wanting to spend some time with my best friend? What do you have against Dan in the first place?”
“I don’t have anything against Dan - I just don’t like how he’s coming between us.” Leo says.
Phil raises an eyebrow. “How on earth is Dan coming between us?” he demands, and he can’t keep the air of ‘this is so ridiculous’ out of his tone, because it really is getting so ridiculous now.
“We didn’t even start fighting until he got involved in our relationship!” Leo says. “We were perfectly fine until he put those stupid thoughts in your head, and you suddenly decided things needed to change!”
“So fill me in here, who’s fault is it - mine or Dan’s?” Phil asks as sarcastically as he can manage right now, because once again, he’s beginning to second guess himself already and he hates this so much. This is not how tonight was supposed to go.
“Look, I’m not getting into this anymore,” Leo says. “I’m sick of going in circles with you about this.”
“Then why don’t you just go.” Phil says, softly and hesitantly, not meeting Leo’s eyes.
“Excuse me?” Leo asks him, and his voice gets low and it’s almost terrifying how calm he sounds about all of this right now.
Phil rolls his shoulders back and reminds himself that he’s not a little kid anymore, and he doesn’t need to be afraid of Leo. And he looks him square in the eye and he says with all of the fake confidence that he can muster up, “I think you should leave.”
Phil can see Leo’s jaw tense and his hands ball into fists at his side. “I think,” he says through gritted teeth. “You should reconsider.”
“I’m not going to reconsider.” Phil says firmly. “You’re being really unfair about all of this, okay? Dan’s been my best friend for four years, and if you’re going to make me choose between the two of you, I’m going to pick D-” Phil doesn’t get a chance to finish what he’s saying, as Leo stops him, the brunette bringing his hand up and backhanding Phil across his face.
The sound of the slap echoes throughout the otherwise silent apartment, and Phil’s head jerks to the side. He stands there, frozen in shock, his mouth open as he struggles to catch his breath from all of this. He tastes blood on his lips and he gingerly brings his hand up to his mouth. His fingertips are wet with blood and there’s a painful sting in his cheek, and it takes him a minute to actually process what just happened.
“Phil,” Leo chokes out, and Phil nearly jumps out of his skin, taking a few steps away from him. “I’m so-”
“Go.” Phil says, his voice shaking, and he isn’t sure if it’s with fear or anger. “Please, just go.”
He expects Leo to put up a fight, but he doesn’t and Phil doesn’t exhale a sigh of relief until he hears the front door of their flat shut behind him. Phil brings his hand up to his mouth again, feeling the light trickle of blood that coats his bottom lip, and his breath gets caught in his throat. His boyfriend just hit him. Phil’s never been hit before, at least not like this, and he never would’ve thought that his first time being slapped across the face would be at the fault of his boyfriend.
He’s so hyper aware of everything that’s going on right now; the way his heart is pounding in his chest, the throbbing ache in the side of his face, the way his hands are trembling. He makes his way to the bathroom and locks the door behind him as he steps inside. He looks at himself in the mirror and he sees a pale skinned, wide eyed, terrified boy with a red cheek and a bleeding lip. He doesn’t look anything like himself.
He takes a deep breath and reminds himself that he needs to take action now. He can’t just stand around wide-eyed and shaking, he needs to fix this - he needs to fix himself, if anything. Dan can’t know about this, no one can know about this. What would he even tell people? That he pissed his boyfriend off so much that he backhanded him? God, that would be a story. But no, nobody can know about this, especially since this is the first and last time that this is ever going to happen.
He grabs a wad of toilet paper and presses it against his bleeding lip, hoping that it’ll stop bleeding soon and he tries to calm himself down. This is all going to be okay, tomorrow he’s going to talk to Leo and then he won’t have to worry about this anymore - so no point in telling Dan and worrying him, right? Yeah, what Dan doesn’t know won’t hurt him.
It doesn’t take long for his mouth to stop bleeding and his hands to stop shaking, so he disposes of the evidence - the bloody toilet paper - and he takes a few calming breaths before he unlocks the door and re-enters the lounge, just as Dan’s coming up with the food.
“Hey, I’ve got dinner.” he announces, playing the bags on their coffee table. He looks around for a moment, and then asks, “Where’s Leo?”
Hearing his name makes Phil flinch a little, but Dan doesn’t notice. “He left.” he says simply, taking a seat on the couch, and grabbing his laptop shooting for as much normalcy as he can.
“Really?” Phil doesn’t have to look up to see that Dan’s smiling from ear to ear. “How’d you get him to leave?”
Phil subconsciously goes to bite his lip, then stops himself and reminds himself that he can’t let Dan know what happened, and he says, “I told him we were going to watch anime, and that was enough for him to leave.”
Dan chuckles. “Good. This house is not for the anti-anime.” he takes a seat next to Phil on the couch, and glances at him briefly, before going to open their bags of dinner. “Are you okay? You seem kind of… off,” he says.
“I’m fine!” Phil says quickly - probably too quickly, as Dan looks over at him again, eyebrow cocked. “I’m just hungry, what’d you bring back for us?” he asks him, changing the subject, and it’s enough to distract Dan and get the focus off of him for the rest of the evening.
Phil’s phone buzzes with numerous texts from Leo, but he can’t bring himself to even look at his phone; just seeing his name just makes him feel sick. He shuts his phone off but he can’t shut his brain off, and he can’t stop thinking of Leo hitting him, the scene playing over in his mind on repeat until he can almost feel his boyfriend’s hand slapping his face again. He takes a second to close his eyes and exhale slowly, and he reminds himself that tomorrow, this will all be over.
* * *
to be continued.