Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

“And how odd is it,
to be haunted by someone.”
that is still alive.”

- I Guess the Old You is a Ghost (#589: June 25, 2014)

* * *

Dan watches as Phil is placed onto a stretcher, the EMTs yelling out all kinds of hospital terms that he’s only heard on General Hospital, and he doesn’t know what’s going on or if Phil’s going to be okay, but there’s nothing he can do. All he can do is stand off to the side and watch the scene unfold before him.

“So when you walked into the room,” the police officer before him asks him, trying to get Dan to focus on the police report. “What exactly was going on?”

“I already told you,” Dan says, exasperated. “I walked in and I saw Phil lying on the floor covered in glass and blood, and I saw Leo - his boyfriend - kicking him. Then I punched Leo so he’d stop hurting Phil, and I called 999.”

“You did the right thing, son,” the officer tells him, but it doesn’t make Dan feel any better. He should’ve been there tonight, he should’ve stopped this from happening.

“Is he going to be okay?” Dan asks the officer, not taking his eyes off of Phil as he’s loaded into the back of the ambulance.

“Hard to say,” the officer says honestly, but it’s not the answer that Dan wanted to hear. “Your friend is in pretty bad shape right now. But he’s in good hands and he’s going to be very well taken care of.”

Dan just nods, only half listening now, and he rushes over to the ambulance - wanting to ask if he can ride with Phil to the hospital - when the EMTs shut the doors and it takes off, lights flashing and siren blaring as they head towards the hospital.

Dan stands there, feeling like he’s just been punched in the stomach. He can’t breathe, he can’t think, but at the same time, his mind is racing at top speed and there’s so many thoughts and feelings that he can’t even comprehend right now. It takes him a moment to snap out of his daze, and when he does, he flags down a cab and rushes inside the first one that stops for him, telling the driver the hospital that Phil is going to be at and to go as quickly as he can.

He sits in the backseat, jittery and panicked, and he knows he isn’t going to be okay if he has to go through this alone. With trembling hands, he grabs his cell phone from his pocket, ignoring his bloodstained hands - stained with Phil’s blood - and he dials the first person he thinks of.

He hears a click after two rings and he can’t stop the sob that escapes his lips as he says, “Louise? It’s Dan.”

* * *

“Chummy!” Zoe whines, dropping down onto Louise’s couch. “We aren’t watching The Notebook again - we’ve seen it twice already!”

“What do you have against Ryan Gosling?” Louise demands, placing a bowl of popcorn down on her coffee table and going to sit next to Zoe.

“We’ve already watched it two times this week!” Zoe stresses.

“What’s wrong with -” Louise stops herself when she notices her phone ringing, and her eyebrows knit together. “Oh, it’s Dan.” she says. “Weird, he doesn’t usually call me.” she answers the phone. “Hello? Oh, hey, what’s -” she falls silent for a second, her eyes going wide. “D - Dan, Dan, calm down okay. Who’s in the hospital?”

Zoe’s eyes widen. “What’s wrong?”

Louise puts the call on speakerphone, Dan’s loud sobs and uneven breathing filling the air, startling both girls. “Dan, just tell me what’s happened okay?” she says.

“I - I’m on my way to - to the hospital.” Dan chokes out through his tears.

Louise is instantly up to her feet, rushing about her living room to get her shoes and her car keys, ready to rush to the hospital if need be. “Are you okay?” she asks him.

“I’m fine, it’s Ph - Phil.” Dan tells them and that’s all he can get out before he starts crying harder.

“It’s fine, it’ll be alright, Dan.” she tells him, picking up her phone once she has her shoes on and her car keys in hand. “Just stay calm, I’ll meet you at the hospital, alright?” Dan tells her the hospital Phil’s going to, and Louise hangs up the call.

“Do you think Leo had anything to do with this?” Zoe asks.

“I hope not.” Louise says, grabbing her purse.

“I’m coming with you.” Zoe says, and Louise says, “Right.” and Zoe grabs her shoes as well, following Louise to the front door when they both stop abruptly. “Wait, what about Darcy?” Louise asks.

“Shit - okay, I’ll stay here with Darcy.” Zoe tells her. “And when Matt gets off of work, I’ll come to the hospital.”

“Right, right, okay.” Louise says, clearly a bit frazzled by all of this right now, and Zoe pulls her in for a hug.

“Keep me updated, please” she tells her, and Louise says, “Of course.” and she rushes out of her house, getting in her car and she makes the long drive to the hospital, praying she doesn’t get pulled over along the way.

* * *

Louise makes it to the hospital in what she would think is record time - and without getting a ticket - and when she bursts in through the doors, she looks around frantically for a second before finding Dan in the waiting room. He’s sat in a chair, knees drawn up to his chest and hands pressed to his face, and she can hear him choking back sobs. She rushes over to him, but stops in her tracks as she gets closer and sees the blood on his hands and the front of his shirt. Her heart nearly stops at the sight and she doesn’t know what to make of the situation, but he looks so little and so broken that she can’t help but to go over to him and scoop him up in her arms, hugging him tightly - and she doesn’t even like hugs. Dan’s startled at first, but he returns the hug almost immediately and he buries his face against her shoulder and sobs. She whispers to him, “It’s okay, it’s fine.” and she holds him tightly while he cries.

It takes Dan a couple of minutes to actually calm down and when he does, Louise says “Okay, tell me what's happened. What's going on?”

Dan takes a deep breath, grasping the collar of his shirt and bringing it up to wipe his eyes as he tells her, “I came home, and I think that L - Leo and Phil had gotten into a fight.” he chokes back another sob. “And when I got there, Leo was kicking Phil and screaming at him, and Ph - Phil was just - just lying there, and there was so much blood everywhere.”

“Oh my god.” Louise exhales, covering her mouth with her hand in shock.

Dan sniffles. “I couldn’t ride in the ambulance, and by the time I got here Phil was already in surgery - I don’t even know what he’s in surgery for though - and I haven’t heard any updates on him, and I just want to know if he’s okay.” his voice cracks by the end and he wipes his eyes with his shirt again.

“Okay, okay, it’s going to be fine.” Louise tells him, taking control of the situation. “We’re going to find out what’s going on with Phil.”

“How?” Dan asks her. He sounds so small, like a little, frightened kid.

“Just trust me.” Louise says, and she looks around for a moment, before she motions for Dan to follow her and she flags down the first doctor she sees. “Hi, sorry to bother you,” she starts. “But we have a friend who was admitted, but we haven’t heard if he’s okay or anything.”

“What’s the patient’s name?” the doctor asks.

“Phil Lester.” Louise replies.

“Well, he isn’t my patient, but I can help you find some information on him.” the doctor turns towards the receptionist desk, Louise and Dan following him, and approaching the desk, he asks, “Request for updates on Phil Lester.”

The receptionist clicks away at her computer for a moment, and she says, “As of right now, we can only tell you what you probably already know. Phil Lester is a victim of a domestic dispute and he’s currently in the ER getting glass removed from his arm. His arm is broken in two places and he’s scheduled to have surgery to repair the damage.”

“Is that all?” Louise asks, her face pale.

The receptionist looks at her screen once more. “He’s lost a lot of blood,” she tells them. “So he’s scheduled for a blood transfusion as well. But if all goes well tonight, he should be just fine.”

Both Louise and Dan exhale a sigh of relief, and Louise utters. “Thank God.” before thanking both the receptionist and the doctor, and she and Dan make their way back to the waiting room. “He’s going to be fine.” Louise repeats to Dan as the two of them sit down.

“Fine.” Dan repeats. “He’s going to be fine.”

Louise nods. “Why don’t you try and get cleaned up a bit while we wait?” she suggests.

Dan looks down at his bloodstained fingers, as if noticing them for the first time, and he nods in agreement, muttering, “Yeah, okay.” and then he gets up to his feet, heading towards the men’s washroom.

While he’s gone, Louise takes her cell phone out and rings Zoe. She answers on the first ring and Louise asks, “Good news or bad news first?”

“Bad.” Zoe says.

“Bad news is this incident has Leo written all over it.” Louise tells her.

Zoe sighs. “I knew it.” she says softly. “I didn’t want to believe it, but I knew it,”

“Me too.” Louise tells her. “But the good news is Phil is going to be okay. He’s in surgery right now, but he’s going to be okay.”

“Oh, thank God.” Zoe sighs. “I’m still coming over later though - Matt rang and said he’ll try and make it home as quickly as he can.”

“Okay.” Louise says. “Oh, before you do, can you stop by Dan and Phil’s flat and pick up a clean shirt for Dan, and some sweatpants and a shirt for Phil, please?”

“Of course.” Zoe says. She tells Zoe that Darcy is just fine right now and the house is still in one piece, before the two of them end their call.

As Louise is hanging up, Dan re-enters the waiting room and he sits down next to Louise, leaning his head to rest it on her shoulder. She brings her hand up to cup his cheek and she can feel the tears rolling down his face. “It’s alright, Dan.” she tells him.

“It’s not alright.” Dan says. “This is all my fault. I knew something was wrong, I knew something wasn’t right with Leo. And I didn’t do anything about it.”

“Dan, this isn’t your fault.” Louise tells him. “You tried, okay. You tried so hard to get to the bottom of things, and you can’t blame yourself for this. Phil wouldn’t want you to blame yourself for this.”

Dan sniffles. “He isn’t dead Louise, you don’t have to talk about him like he is.”

“You know what I mean though.” Louise replies. “He’s going to have a hard enough time blaming himself for all of this, he’s not going to want you blaming yourself as well.”

“I just…” Dan sighs heavily, pinching his eyes shut as tears roll down his cheeks. “My best friend is in the hospital because I couldn’t keep him safe from that… monster. I mean, I told him everything was going to be okay before I even knew what was going on, and now he’s in the hospital.”

“Everything is okay though.” Louise tells him soothingly. “He’s away from Leo, and he’s safe now. I know you wanted to be his knight in shining armor and save him from the dragon, and even though it doesn’t feel like it, in a way you were.”

“How?” Dan asks.

She gently nudges Dan so he’s sitting up and she turns to face him, “You literally saved him from the dragon.” she tells him. “I don’t know how you got Leo away from him, but you did. And yes, Phil’s in the hospital now, but he’s going to be okay and it’s all because of you.”

Dan sniffles again, and Louise reaches out for him, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him into an semi-awkward hug, as the two of them are seated in chairs, and Dan rests his head on Louise’s shoulder, tears rolling down his cheeks and he tells her, “Thank you for being here today.”

“That’s okay.” Louise tells him, rubbing his back.

“No, really thank you.” Dan tells her, pulling away from her to wipe his face free of tears. “You drove all the way to the hospital for me and Phil - you hate driving, Louise.”

“Well, I love you and Phil more than I hate driving, if that makes sense.” Louise tells him. “And if there’s anything I hate more than driving now, it’s Leo.”

Dan groans a little. “I knew I hated him for a reason.” he says. “And you know what? I do not regret punching that asshole.”

Louise’s eyes go wide. “You punched him?” she asks.

Dan nods. “I’ve never even punched anymore before. I don’t know what came over me - well that’s a lie; when I saw him hurting Phil, I just... I snapped. I don’t even know where I punched him, honestly. I think I blacked out for a second because the next thing I knew, he was on the ground and my hand was hurting.”

“Wait,” Louise stops him. “You said your hand was hurting?” when Dan nods, she reaches out for his hand, and he hisses in pain when she grabs it, retracting it back almost immediately. “Dan, I think you’ve broken your hand.” Louise tells him, obviously trying not to laugh because the situation is not funny - but the fact that the first time Dan has ever punched somebody, he manages to break his hand. Typical Dan.

“Oh.” is all Dan says, and he looks down at his hand as if he’s just noticing for the first time that his fingers are a bit bent in a way that they shouldn’t be. “Oh, yeah, that doesn’t look quite right. I’m sure it’s nothing serious though -”

“Nope, we aren’t just going to sit around with your broken hand while we’re in a hospital.” Louise cuts in. “C’mon, let’s see if we can get you checked out.” Dan sighs heavily, but complies, and he follows Louise to the receptionist desk where she asks if Dan can see a doctor for his hand. They wait a few more minutes before a doctor is available to see Dan.

While Dan gets his hand fixed up, Louise stands out in the hall and rings Matt. “Boldy!” she greets him with an old nickname when he answers.

“Hey, how are you? How’re Dan and Phil?” he asks her, and she assumes by now Zoe’s told him the full details of the situation at hand.

“I’m fine, Dan’s hand is broken and he’s getting it fixed up right now, and Phil’s still in surgery,” she tells him. “But we think he’s going to be okay, so just keep your fingers crossed for him.”

“Course,” Matt says.

“I probably won’t be home until later - maybe not even until tomorrow, to be honest.” she tells him. “I just want to stick around until I know for sure that Phil is okay, plus I don’t want Dan to be on his own -”

“No, no, I understand.” Matt cuts in. “It’s fine, Lou.” Louise sighs, thanking the heavens above that she was blessed with such an understanding and caring man in her life. “By the way, Zoe’s on her way to the hospital.” he tells her. “She left a few minutes ago, said something about stopping by Dan and Phil’s place beforehand though.”

“Right, okay.” she says, and then sighs again, heavily, and she closes her eyes and leans her head back, resting it on the cold brick wall behind her.

“Are you sure you’re alright, Lou?” Matt asks her - figures after being together for almost ten years he can read her like a book.

“Just been a stressful evening,” she tells him. “I’ll be fine though, and I’ll be texting you, so keep your phone on and in your hand at all times.”

Matt chuckles a little. “Of course.” he tells her. They chat for a few more minutes, mostly talking about Darcy, before they end their call, telling each other “I love you” before Louise hangs up her phone and goes to check up on Dan.

It doesn’t take long for Dan’s hand to be patched up, and when it’s finished, they wind up back in the waiting room, doing the only thing they can do: wait. From what they know, Phil had to get glass removed from his arms and who knows where else, before they could repair the damage done to his broken bones. And since neither of them know how long all of that will take, they’re simply reduced to waiting and drinking hospital cafeteria hospital - which is a bit shit, to be honest.

Zoe joins them a little while later, and after catching her up to speed and informing her why Dan’s hand is plastered up, she gives Dan a hug and the three of them sit and wait for someone to tell them that Phil is okay.

* * *

Waiting is the worst of all of it, and Dan goes from “slightly, kind of okay” (as Louise describes it) to “completely unable to cope” (again, as Louise describes it), and he’s up to his feet, pacing around the waiting room and constantly checking the time. Zoe and Louise take turns getting up and ushering him back down to his seat, and they both give him cuddles and remind him that everything will be okay. Zoe tracks down one of the hospital vending machines and spends way too much money buying junk foods for the three of them, because none of them have eaten all night, and they sit together, eating crisps and sweets while Zoe and Louise remind Dan that none of this is his fault and that Phil is going to be okay. They tell him over and over that Phil is going to be okay, and Dan’s more than okay with hearing it.

Just when the wait gets to be a bit unbearable, not just for Dan but for Zoe and Louise as well who are all but dying to know how Phil is, a doctor comes out and utters the name, “Phil Lester” and the three of them scramble to their feet faster than they’ve ever moved before.

“Did you say Phil Lester?” Dan asks as the three of them rush up to the doctor.

“Yes, are you family of the patient?” he asks them.

Both Dan and Zoe mumble, “Yes,” and Louise blurts out, “I’m his mum!” which earns her a suspicious look from the doctor, but Dan just asks, “How is he? Is he alright?”

“He has a concussion and a broken arm, but everything went well and he is going to be just fine.” he tells the three of them, and they all exhale sighs of relief. “He’s asleep right now,” he says. “He’s been given morphine to help with the pain as well as something to help him sleep, so he’s going to be out for a good couple of hours. But the surgery and the transfusion went well, and he’s going to be fine. Your friend is very lucky,” the doctor adds, and he turns to Dan as he tells him, “If you hadn’t shown up when you did, we could’ve lost him.”

“Was it really that bad?” Zoe asks him.

Phil’s doctor looks at his chart. “The main concern was the amount of blood he’s lost,” he tells them. “And we couldn’t operate until the glass had been removed from his arms, so there were a few complications. If we didn’t get to him when we did, this could’ve been a much more serious situation.”

“Is there anything else we need to be aware of?” Louise asks.

“Just that he’s going to be in pain for the next three to six weeks, as his ribs are broken and truth be told there isn’t much we can do for the situation,” the doctor explains. “And his arm is going to take a month, give or take a week or two, to heal as well. Aside from that, however, he’s going to be just fine.”

“Can we see him?” Dan asks eagerly. The doctor says yes and gives them his room number, and the three of them rush to the elevators to head up to Phil’s floor. Then all but run down the halls, ignoring the glares from the orderlies they rush past as well, and they find Phil’s room as quickly as they can - Zoe ends up locating it first and she exclaims, “Here it is!” and Dan bolts to it, opening the door and rushing inside.

Like his doctor said, Phil is lying fast asleep in his bed, his heart monitor beating stealthily as his chest rises and falls. He looks so small under the hospital sheets, so frail, and Dan just wants to wrap him up in his duvet and hold him in his arms and not let anything bad ever happen to him. And the worst of it all is that Phil just looks so broken right now. Despite the lack of light in his room, they can see plaster on his cheek, bandages wrapped around his head, and a cast on his arms, and the sight alone is enough for Dan to start crying once more.

“Hey, hey, don’t cry,” Zoe rubs his back soothingly. “Look, he’s fine.”

“He’s not fine.” Dan says, wiping his eyes. “He’s -”

“He’s fine.” Louise tells him. “He may be a bit broken right now, but he’ll heal and he’s going to be fine, Dan.”

Dan nods and wipes his eyes again. “Okay,” he says. “You guys don’t have to stay, you know, if you wanted to head home.”

“I’m staying.” Zoe says firmly.

“I’m staying as well,” Louise says. “Plus, neither of us will be sleeping through the night until we know that Phil’s awake and that you’re okay again.”

Dan manages a small smile. “Well, I’ll be okay for the rest of the night, so you guys can try and go to sleep if you want.” both Zoe and Louise take him up on that offer, and they make themselves as comfortable as they can in the chairs set up in Phil’s room, going to lean on each other and in minutes they’re both fast asleep. Dan, on the other hand, goes to sit by Phil’s bedside, reaching for his hand and holding it tightly for the rest of the night.

* * *

Phil’s eyes flutter open and as he awakes, he’s greeted with a throbbing pain in his head, arms, and stomach, and a loud beeping sound piercing his ears. He winces as he rolls over, sighing in discontent as he does so, and he opens his eyes. Looking around the room he’s in and realizing that he has no idea where he is - until he sees Zoe and Louise asleep in chairs next to his assumed bed, and then he notices the heart monitor right next to him, and he puts two and two together and he figures out that he’s in the hospital.

He takes a moment to try and put together the pieces of the ‘why the hell is he in the hospital?’ puzzle, and the first conclusion he comes to is Leo. He shivers; even if the events leading up to this moment are fuzzy and distant, he knows this has Leo written all over it and it makes his blood run cold.

“Hey, you.” a soft voice speaks up, but it startles Phil and he jumps, turning to see Dan seated at his eyes. His eyes are red and bloodshot, not just from tiredness but it looks like from crying as well, and the dark circles under his eyes seem darker than normal, and Phil may be out of it but he knows that this is Dan’s signature allnighter look.

“Hi.” he says slowly. He tries to sit up but Dan gently pushes him back down.

“How are you feeling?” he asks him, reaching out to brush his hair back and run his fingers through his hair.

“Everything just hurts a lot, but I think I’m okay.” Phil tells him. He hesitates for a moment. “Why am I in the hospital anyway?” he finally asks him.

Dan pauses. “Do you not remember?” he asks slowly, and Phil can see the sudden rush of worry in his eyes.

“It’s all a little fuzzy.” he admits. “I remember some of it, but not much… I remember Leo came over and he -” and Phil stops himself, taking into account that Dan doesn’t know the true nature of his and Leo’s relationship, and his mind starts racing as he tries to come up with a good enough excuse that Dan will buy.

“Hey,” Dan cuts into his thoughts, and he just says, “I know, okay.”

“Oh.” Phil says. Dan knows. And Phil has wanted Dan to know everything for so long - he’s wanted so badly to tell Dan literally everything from start to finish, and now Dan knows. He may not know about the fighting or about the abuse, but he knows about Leo and that’s enough to bring tears of relief to his eyes.

“Oh, Phil.” Dan climbs up onto his bed and pulls Phil into a gentle, but firm and comforting hug.

Phil sniffles, tears rolling down his cheeks. “I wanted to tell you so bad,” he tells him, “But I was so scared. I didn’t want him to hurt you.”

“Shh, it’s okay.” Dan rubs his back soothingly. “It’s over now, he’s gone. He’s not going to hurt you ever again.” Phil just makes a noise of discontent, and buries his face against Phil’s shirt. He can’t believe that it’s come to this - he’s in the hospital because of his boyfriend, someone who was supposed to love him - someone who claimed to love him. He’s been beaten and bruised and broken, and it’s all because of Leo. And now Dan knows, but he found out in the worst way possible - Dan was there when Leo was hurting him, walked in on the scene unfolding, and Phil didn’t want that to happen. He didn’t want any of this to happen. “It’s okay, Phil.” Dan tells him softly. “Don’t be upset, none of this was your fault.”

“Yes it is.” Phil says, pulling away from Dan and he wipes his teary eyes. “If I was a better boyfriend he never would’ve gotten so mad at me. I just kept screwing everything up.”

“Phil, you haven’t screwed anything up.” Dan tells him. “You’re amazing - no pun intended.” Phil doesn’t smile at Dan’s attempted joke, and it makes his heart hurt. “Seriously, Phil, if anyone was a bad boyfriend, it was Leo because he didn’t treat you the way you deserved to be.”

Phil just shakes his head and he mutters, “I deserved to be hit.”

Dan gapes at him. “I never want to hear you say that again.” he says sternly, and Phil looks up at him, confused, as if he hadn’t expected Dan to say that - as if he had expected Dan to agree with him. “You didn’t deserve anything that bastard had done to you. You did nothing wrong, he’s the one who’s wrong, okay? He’s the one who hurt you and he never should’ve laid a finger on you. You deserve to be loved and cherished and treated with respect.”

“Then why didn’t he?” Phil asks him, and his voice breaks as he asks him, “Why didn’t he love me?”

Dan opens his arms and Phil leans in for another hug, and Dan wraps his arms tightly around him, holding him close to him and as tightly as he can. Phil’s tense but he relaxes a bit under Dan’s embrace and he buries his face into the crook of his neck, listening as Dan tells him, “I don’t know. I hate that I don’t have an answer for you, but I don’t know why he was so horrible to you. But I know that you didn’t deserve it, and it’s never going to happen again.” he breaks their hug to place his hands on Phil’s face, cupping it in his hands and he says, “No one is ever going to hurt you ever again, I’m going to make sure of it.” Phil chokes back a sob and he hugs Dan tightly, ignoring the stabs of pain he feels as he squeezes him tightly. “I love you Phil.” Dan whispers to him. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too.” Phil whispers back, because this time, when he hears the words “I love you” from someone, he knows he can believe it.

* * *

Phil’s hospital days are thankfully numbered, as he hates being stuck in a hospital bed unable to do anything except watch average to poor television programs. The best thing about it is that Dan, Zoe, and Louise are by his side through it all. While Zoe and Louise eventually do have to make their way back to Louise’s house, Dan doesn’t leave Phil’s side. The only time he’s left the hospital was to rush back home and get his laptop so he and Phil could watch movies together, and from then on Dan has stayed by Phil’s side the entire time, and Phil finds himself wondering just how he got so lucky to have Dan in his life.

Finally, Phil is discharged and although the pain in his ribs, head, and arms haven’t lessened - nor has the pain he feels in his heart about all of this - he’s happy to be going home. He thinks he’ll be fine.

When they get back to their flat, Dan helps Phil to his bed and he gets him situated, making sure he’s comfortable, and before he gets a chance to leave, Phil asks him, “Will you stay?”

Dan smiles sadly. “Of course.” he says, and he climbs into bed with Phil, wrapping his arms around the older boy’s waist and rests his chin on his shoulder. “How are you feeling?” he asks him.

“I’m fine.” Phil says - his automatic response lately, and before he can even stop himself, he just blurts it out.

Dan pauses for a moment. “You know you don’t have to keep anything from me anymore.” he tells him.

Phil hesitates. Honestly, he doesn’t even know where to start. “Everything still hurts a little.” he finally says, figuring it’d be better to just start as simply as he can for now.

Dan sits up. “Where does it hurt?” he asks him.

Phil raises an eyebrow at him. “I don’t know… everywhere.” he just says sheepishly. Dan frowns a little, then reaches out for Phil’s hand, and he turns it so his palm is facing up and Dan can see the bruises around his arm, the hand shaped bruises imprinted into his skin that are definitely fading but haven’t quite healed yet. And Dan just brings Phil’s arm up to his mouth and lightly kisses the bruises. Phil tenses up immediately, and he asks softly, “What are you doing?”

Dan looks at him and smiles a little. “I’m kissing it better.” he says. He leans forward and presses a kiss to Phil’s temple because he knows Phil’s head still hurts from the concussion, then kisses his cheek right beneath the plaster that’s hiding the cut on his face, and he kisses his shoulder then takes his hand and kisses it right where his cast ends.

Phil just sits there, all but shocked that this is happening because to be frank, he doesn’t know how to respond. He’s never been cared for like this before, he’s never felt so loved before. And he doesn’t understand it, because he feels like he doesn’t deserve to be loved or cared for. He also doesn’t understand why Dan, who he’s never dated a day in his life, can love him so much when his boyfriend, who he was with for almost a year, didn’t love him at all.

“I’m sorry!”’ Dan suddenly blurts out, and he moves away from Phil. “Did - did I do something wrong?”

Phil realizes that he’s begun to cry, miraculously he hasn’t dehydrated himself from crying so much lately, and he brings his hand up to brush his tears away. “No, you aren’t doing anything wrong.” he tells him.

Dan scoots closer to Phil. “Then why are you crying?” he asks him.

Phil sniffles a little. “Because you’re so great to me,” he tells him, not meeting his eyes for a moment. “And Leo was so terrible to me, and I don’t understand. I don’t understand anything.”

“Neither do I,” Dan says, and Phil looks up at him curiously. “I don’t understand how someone could be so terrible to you.” he takes Phil’s hand and gives it a reassuring squeeze. “I’m sorry he was so horrible to you, you don’t deserve that. You deserve to be treated like a prince.”

“I don’t feel like a prince.” Phil mutters, blinking back more tears.

“Phil, you are a prince, okay?” Dan tells him, and his free hand reaches out for his chin, gently lifting his head up so he looks at him, and Dan says, “You’re my prince.” a tear rolls down his cheek and Dan thumbs it away. “No one’s going to hurt you ever again, okay?”

“Promise?” Phil can’t help but to ask.

Dan takes Phil’s hand and lightly kisses it. “I promise.”

* * *

Phil doesn’t understand why he feels like this. He should be happy that Leo is out of his life, happy that they don’t have to take this to court, happy that he doesn’t have to deal with him ever again. But he’s not happy; he feels horrible. Abuse or no abuse, breakups are a bitch and Phil feels like his heart has been ripped right out of his chest and stomped on.

He’s sad - so sad. And he cries so much he’s surprised that he even has tears left to cry. And he hates that he’s so sad. He hates that he can’t stop crying over this. He hates himself for being so worked up over a stupid boy who doesn’t even matter anymore - but he doesn’t hate Leo, not yet, and that’s what the worst part of this is. Leo was the first boy that Phil has ever loved, truly loved, and his first love was this insignificant boy who ripped him to shreds, and now Phil is - to put it simply - a mess.

And he’s angry. He’s angry with himself because he wants to be over this. He wants to stop caring about this. He wants to be able to go back in time and make it so he never met Leo - no, he wants to be able to go back in time and respect himself more than he did, so he didn’t spend ten months of his life being abused and mistreated. He wants to tell himself that it’s okay to be alone, that “being alone” isn’t really lonely because he has friends and family who care about him, he wants to tell himself that his first love should not have been some insignificant boy who ripped him to shreds; it should’ve been himself.

More often than not though, Phil just cries because he’s feeling too many things and he’s tired of keeping everything bottled up inside. Most of the time he’s fine, or so he thinks he is, but some nights - like tonight - it all just gets to be too much and he lies on the floor of the lounge, crying into an empty box of pizza.

“Hey, Phil, have you - oh.” Dan stops in the doorway of the lounge when he sees Phil lying face down on the floor. And even though this isn’t an unfamiliar sight to him, it doesn’t make it hurt any less. Still, Dan waste no time walking over to Phil and lying down on the floor next to him.

Phil turns his head to face him. “What are you doing?” he asks.

“Keeping you company.” Dan tells him. “Do you want to talk?” Phil doesn’t say anything at first and he adds, “You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I was just thinking that you might feel better if you talked about anything that’s on your mind.”

“I’m just…” Phil sighs heavily, and he just lies there for a moment trying to collect his thoughts. “I don’t understand why I’m not happy about this.” he finally says. “Leo was horrible to me and he treated me like shit, and here I am crying my eyes out over him - again nevertheless! And I hate it; I hate crying, I hate crying over Leo, I hate myself for being so upset about all of this -”

“Don’t hate yourself,” Dan can’t help but to cut in. “Please don’t hate yourself, Phil. You shouldn’t hate yourself.”

“I can’t help it, I’m so pathetic!” Phil says, frustrated, and he rolls over so he’s lying on his back now. He brings his hands up to his face, pressing his palms into his eyes and he tells Dan, “All I’ve done for the past couple of months was hate myself and blame myself for everything that was wrong between Leo and I, and I can’t even bring myself to hate Leo. Of all people, I should hate Leo but I don’t, and I don’t know why!” he turns to look at Dan and he asks him, “Why can’t I just hate him?”

Dan exhales slowly. “Because,” he starts. “It’s your heart over your head, and regardless of how Leo treated you, you still got your heart broken. Maybe that’s why you can’t hate him.”

Phil scoffs. “Figures. He couldn’t have just broken my arm and my ribs, he had to break my heart too.” Dan falls silent after that and Phil just says, “I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to hear me cry over Leo so much.”

“Don’t be sorry.” Dan says. “If talking makes you feel better, then talk all you want.”

“I want to talk, but I don’t even know where to start.” Phil admits. “I’m just hurt, and I’m angry, and I’m sad, and I can’t stop crying,” he sobs again. “And I’m all out of pizza.”

“Phil, it’s okay,” Dan sits up and encourages Phil to sit up as well so he can hug him tightly, and he tells him, “I’ll order you another pizza alright? And then you can talk about anything you want.” Phil nods, and Dan rings Dominos, ordering some more pizza for the two of them, and while they wait for it, Dan holds Phil and gives him forehead kisses and mumbles sweet nothings to him to calm him down. When their pizza finally arrives, Dan brings it to Phil and the two of them sit together on the lounge floor, and Phil talks.

He tells Dan everything; about the first time that Leo hit him, how he tried to break up with him the next day but he gave Leo another chance because he told him he’d never do it again. He tells him that Leo lied and continued to hit him, and when he wasn’t hitting him, he was always calling him names or talking down to him and making him feel like dirt. He tells him that his panic attack at the airport after Vidcon was because he was so afraid to go home and see Leo again. When he tells him about their sixth month anniversary, that’s when he starts crying again and he isn’t sure if it’s because reliving the memory of that night is just too much for him, but he can’t stop crying once he starts. Despite that, however, he feels so much… lighter now that he’s told everything to Dan; like the biggest burden that’s been sitting on his shoulders has finally been lifted.

Dan listens while he talks and he holds him while he cries, and every chance he gets he reminds Phl that it’s all going to be okay. Even if it is getting repetitive, he doesn’t mind saying it and he knows Phil doesn’t mind hearing it.

And Phil doesn’t mind hearing it - because he knows Dan would never lie to him, and even though right now he feels like nothing’s going to be okay and he’s never going to be happy again, he knows one day he will be okay.

* * *

They lie on the floor for a few hours and completely devour a box of pizza, but Phil’s mood starts to lift after he talks to Dan, and even though he’s still sad and heartbroken, it make him feel so much better to get all of this off of his chest. But there’s still a part of him that doesn’t feel better; it’s like there’s a dark cloud that’s following him around, not quite over his head, but lingering behind him and it makes him believe that he just wasn’t meant to be happy after all of this.

“What are you thinking?” Dan asks him, bringing Phil out of his thoughts.

“Too much.” he admits. “There’s still just so much on my mind, and I can’t even word it.” he sighs. “I just hate that all of this happened, and I hate that I’ve had to lie to everyone for months.”

“Maybe you should talk to someone.” Dan tells him.

“You mean, like a therapist?” Phil asks slowly. The hospital staff suggested that he talk to a counselor as well, but Phil had turned it down at the time. There’s just something about telling a stranger all of his problems, when it took him nearly a year to tell his best friend, just makes him anxious.

“I was thinking more like a friend. Maybe you should talk to Zoe,” Dan suggests. “Just because it might be more helpful to you than talking to me would be.”

“You’re very helpful though,” Phil tells him, because it’s true; Dan’s been there for him throughout all of this and he doesn’t want Dan thinking that all his efforts to help Phil have been a waste.

“Thank you,” Dan smiles shyly at him. “But she knows first hand what it feels like to have your heart broken like this, so it might make you feel better to talk to someone who you don’t have to make understand your feelings.”

Phil considers it, and then decides that it can’t hurt to try and talk to her. So, later in that week, when they find a time where the both of them are free, Phil calls Zoe up on Skype for a little chat. “Hi!” Zoe’s smile is cheerful and welcoming as her face appears on Phil’s computer screen, and he can’t help but to smile back at her.

“Hey, sorry for the short notice,” he says. “If you’re busy, we can -”

“No, no, it’s fine!” Zoe insists. “How are you?”

Phil sighs. My body is healing, and “I’m… coping.” he tells her. “I don’t know, I feel like a mess of things lately.”

“Did you want to talk?” she asks him. “I know about Leo - probably a bit more than you wanted me to know.”

“No, it’s fine, I’m glad you know, honestly.” Phil says. “That’s actually why I wanted to Skype with you - because I knew that you knew, and I was wondering if you could help me.”

Zoe nods. “Dan told you about Dick, didn’t he?”

“Was that actually his name?” Phil asks.

Zoe chuckles. “No, it’s just what Louise and I call him.” she tells him. “He was a massive dick though, so the name fits.” she notices Phil hesitating to speak up, and she tells him, “You can tell me anything, you know. Or ask me anything. I’d like to believe I understand a lot of what you’re going through first hand, and maybe I can help you.”

Phil nods in agreement. “It’s just hard,” he tells her. “Because talking about it makes it seem so real, and there’s still a part of me that can’t even comprehend some of this.”

“It just doesn’t seem real to you,” she tells him. “Like the past couple of days have just been a blur and you don’t even know what to make of them.”

“Yes, exactly.” Phil says. “That’s exactly it.”

“And there’s still a part of you that wants to believe that none of the bad stuff happened, isn’t there?” she asks.

Phil nods. “I think that’s part of the reason I stayed with him for so long, because I thought talking about it would be like admitting that there was a problem, and I didn’t want there to be a problem. I just wanted to believe so badly that everything was going to turn around.”

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry it didn’t.” Zoe tells him.

“Thank you,” Phil says.

“Also, for what it’s worth,” she continues. “You shouldn’t be with someone who makes you miserable - nevertheless hurts you. And even though it is a cliche, everything does happen for a reason and that’s something I told myself a lot while I was going through my break up.”

“How did you go back to being okay again?” he asks. “Because right now, I feel like I’ll never be okay again, and it sucks.”

“It’s not like flipping a light switch on or anything,” she tells him. “It definitely took time and I wasn’t able to get on with my life right away, and like you said for a while I really did feel like I was never going to be happy again. And, like it I said it took time, but I just realized that some people you cannot change and it’s not always your fault, no matter how much they try to make it seem as though it is. And another thing that I realized was that I wasted a lot of my time and efforts on somebody who didn’t deserve it, and as much as I wouldn’t change what happened because it’s made me who I am now, I would never let the same thing happen again.”

“Wow.” is all Phil can say, because talking to Zoe doesn’t feel like he has to force himself to say anything - she already knows what he’s trying to say and what he feels. So he starts to consider the fact that she definitely knows what she’s talking about, even if she wasn’t in an abusive relationship like he was, she was hurt and she knows how he feels. And maybe she’s right; maybe one day he’ll realize that none of this was his fault. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Did you ever feel like you were lying to everyone?” he asks her. “Like, because everyone knew something was wrong but you kept denying that anything was wrong.”

“I dunno, I guess in a way I did,” she tells him. “Because even if my viewers couldn’t tell, there were people in my life who knew that something was wrong and I kept putting on this act as if I was okay.”

“That’s what I hate the most about all of this,” Phil admits to her. “Because being with Leo meant lying to everyone, and I hated it so much.”

Zoe pauses in thought. “Maybe,” she starts. “You should make a video about it.”

“A video?” Phil asks, sounding a bit skeptical about the idea.

“Yeah, it’d be like keeping a journal, only less writing and more talking.” Zoe tells him. “Even if you don’t upload it, it’ll make you feel better to just vent.” Phil considers this and Zoe adds, “You don’t have to go public with everything if you don’t want to.”

“No,” he says slowly, processing everything. “I think I want to.”

“Are you sure?” she asks him.

“Yeah, I don’t want to lie anymore.” he tells her. “I don’t want to feel like I’m lying anymore.” and it’s been decided. For the first time in months, Phil is going to turn on his camera, and he’s going to tell all.

* * *

Phil decides that filming this video is a ‘now or never’ type of thing, and the next day, he tells Dan what he’s going to do and Dan helps him set up the camera (though that’s not something he needs help with, but he suspects that Dan just wants to feel helpful right now and Phil is very appreciative of it all). “Is there anything else you want me to do?” he asks.

“Just… be here?” Phil asks him.

“Of course.” Dan says, and he gives Phil a smile then goes to stand behind his camera, ready to turn it on for Phil whenever he’s ready.

Phil takes a deep breath, sitting down on his bed and self consciously fixing his hair as he does so. His hand are shaking, mirroring the rapid pounding of his heart right now, and his palms start to sweat. He plays with his fringe again, going back and forth between pushing it out of his face completely and smoothing it down so it’s flat against his forehead. “Right, okay.” he says to himself, mumbling under his breath and ringing his hands together, then going to wipe them on the sides of his jeans because they are so sweaty. “Okay, okay, okay.” he tells himself and he’s not sure if he’s trying to convince himself that he is okay or that everything is going to be okay, but regardless of his true intention, he feels like neither are accurate depictions at the moment.

“Hey,” Phil glances up at the sound of Dan’s voice, and the brunette smiles at him and tells him, “You can do this.”

Phil nods; he can do this - he wants to do this. “Okay, I can do this.” he says, and then Dan turns on the camera. He takes another deep breath before he brings his hand up to wave and he says, “Hey guys!” it feels good to say that; it feels like home. “Long time no see, am I right? Yeah, sorry for being MIA for the longest time, but a lot of things have been going on in my life that have stopped me from filming and that’s what this video is going to be about.”

His voice doesn’t shake as he speaks, but he figures it’s just because he’s a good actor because he’s absolutely terrified right now. He’s about to tell nearly two million people his deepest, darkest secret - something that only his parents, Dan, Zoe, and Louise know, and now everybody is about to know. He’s never felt so vulnerable before - it’s like that dream where you’re up on stage during a performance and you realize you aren’t wearing anything but your underwear; that’s how he feels right now, wholly exposed to the eyes of everyone.

“You okay?” Dan asks him, snapping him back to reality and a faint blush dusts his cheeks when he realizes that he zoned out for a moment.

“I’m fine.” he says, giving him a reassuring smile, and then looks back at the camera. “So I guess in order for things to make sense to everyone, I’m going to start from the beginning, after I say that my boyfriend and I are no longer together. And I know your initial response was probably to be sad for me, but trust me you should not be sad at all because breaking up with him was probably the best thing that could’ve happened to me. I know everyone is probably confused, because I know we were everyone’s OTP, but in reality, nothing was as perfect as I let everyone think it way.”

He pauses again, then takes a deep breath. “This isn’t easy for me to say, and truthfully there is no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to say it… I was in an abusive relationship.” Saying it out loud makes it seem so real, which is a silly thing to think because it was real. But for months he has been in denial and he wasn’t ready to admit that there even was a problem between him and Leo, and now here he is telling it to the whole of the internet - telling the truth to the whole of the internet. And it just feels so freeing, and he doesn’t feel like he has to lie or hide anymore. The truth it out there; just saying those words put it out there. And suddenly, he doesn’t feel so terrified anymore.

“Like I said,” he continues. “I’m going to start from the beginning just so there isn’t any confusion and hopefully not many questions by the end.” he takes another deep breath before saying more. “Leo had a really bad temper, and we used to fight a lot because of it. And fighting with Leo was always really strenuous on me because he always tried to make it seem like it was my fault that we were fighting. He would twist my words or put words in my mouth, and it always made it seem like I was the one who had to apologize to him, even when I had actually done nothing wrong.

“But despite the fact that fighting with him was always really exhausting, I didn’t think that necessarily meant there was anything wrong with our relationship. I thought that all couples had little lovers spats every now and again, and truth be told, I really did blame myself for us fighting. I thought that if I had been a better boyfriend that we wouldn’t have any problems and I just really wanted to make everything work between the two of us, because I loved him.

“So the fighting went on for a while, but I kept thinking that it would stop - I think mostly because I didn’t want to believe that anything was wrong, when in hindsight everything was wrong. And like I said, it was always exhausting to fight with him because Leo was manipulative and he’d insult me, but I just wanted so badly for everything to work out between us because I loved him and he told that he loved me, and I guess I was just so desperate to be loved by someone that I just accepted all of the bad that came with it.

“Things didn’t get better like I thought they would though, and back in April, Leo hit me for the first time. It was -” Phil stops himself for a second, and then sighs, “I don’t want to say ‘it wasn’t that bad’ because getting hit by anyone is bad, but basically what happened was we had gotten into another fight and he just backhanded me. And when that happened, I had decided that I was going to end things between us but when I went to talk to him about it, he apologized and told me that he loved me and told me that he was never going to do it again. And I feel so stupid because I believed him and I have him a second chance, but then that second chance turned into a third chance and a fourth chance and a fifth chance, because he just didn’t stop.”

Phil reaches for the makeup wipes he had placed on the floor beforehand and goes to wipe off all of the cover up that he had applied to his face before filming, revealing to everyone the true nature of his and Leo’s relationship. He winces when the wipe rubs against the scar on his cheek from the Iron Man poster hitting him in the face, but for the most part all of his wounds are old but not quite healed, most of which being bruises from when Leo had punched him on numerous occasions. When he’s wiped his face clean, he looks into the camera and says, “He said it was never going to happen again, but clearly that was a lie.”

He goes to say more when he notices Dan crying behind his camera, his fist pressed to his mouth so the sound of him crying doesn’t pick up in the video, and Phil’s face drops. “Dan!”

“I’m fine,” he says, wiping his eyes. “It’s okay, I’m fine.”

“It’s not fine, you’re crying.” Phil gets up and walks over to Dan, pulling him into a tight hug. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s just -” Dan sniffles a little. “I hate that this happened to you. I hate that I couldn’t do anything about it.”

“You’re joking right?” Phil pulls away and looks at him. “Dan you tried so hard to help me, I was the one who kept pushing you away. And you were the one who was there when Leo and I had gotten into that fight. And you’re here for me now, and that’s what’s important.” Dan sniffles again, wiping his eyes with his sleeves, and Phil pulls him into another hug, telling him, “I’m okay, now, Dan. I’m okay now.”

It takes a couple of minutes for Phil to calm Dan down before he goes back to filming, and when he does, he doesn’t feel scared or anxious like he did before; he feels confident and relaxed, like he told Dan, he feels okay. “Um, sorry for my face,” he starts off. “You don’t have to look if you don’t want to - you can just switch tabs or something. But yeah, so this is what I actually look like and for a while, no one really knew because I’d just cover it all up. And I’d spend a lot of time watching my beauty vlogger friends’ videos to find out which types of concealer and cover up that I should use to hide the bruises. And I hated having to wake up everyday and put all of this stuff on my face, because it felt like I was wearing a mask and it felt like I wasn’t being the real me. But then again, the real me wasn’t somebody that anyone would want to be around truthfully.

“The real me was depressed, very depressed. Everything was just too much for me, even something as simple as making a video just took too much effort for me, which is why I neglected my channel for a while - I really am sorry about that, by the way. And on top of that, I had a hurting heart because I loved Leo and Leo didn’t love me.

“So this went on for a couple of months, almost a year to be honest, and then it got to the point where I was like ‘I’ve had enough’ - okay, so it wasn’t as simple as that, but the whole story as to what lead me to break up with Leo is a long one and I’m still not quite ready to talk about it yet. Ultimately though, I did have a bit of an eye-opening moment and I realized that I couldn’t keep going on like this and I couldn’t stay with someone I was afraid of. Um, the break up did not go well, at all.” he lets out a nervous chuckle and hesitates for a moment, deciding if he should go into detail but then he just thinks ‘fuck it’ and he decides to tell his viewers what happened.

“So basically, Leo and I had gotten into a fight when I tried to break up with him, and long story short I now have a broken arm, broken ribs, a whole bunch of bruises and a broken Iron Man poster - which I might be most angry about, as I really liked that poster and now I have to try and find a replacement for it.” he makes a mental note to add in ‘RIP Iron Man Poster 3’ while he’s editing, and hopefully he’ll get a smile out of someone with it. “All joking aside though, I’m very lucky that Dan came home when he did because if he hadn’t, then I could’ve been beaten to death. So,” he looks up, no longer looking at the camera but looking behind it at Dan and he says, “Thank you, Dan.”

“And that brings us to where I am today; my broken bones are healing, and so is my heart. And in the end, I know that ending the relationship was the right thing to do, and standing up to Leo and deciding to leave him was the first time that I had stood up for myself in months, and it felt really good. Right now I am kind of dealing with the aftermath of the relationship, but I’ve got the greatest support system and they’ve all been helping me out loads while I recover from this.

“And this is the part where I get a bit cliche, so I apologize, but I just want to say that if you’re in an abusive relationship like I was or if you’re in a relationship with someone where you’re more miserable than you are happy, then please get out or seek help because it’s really not worth it. And I know how hard it is, believe me, but in the end, you will be a much happier person if choose to stand up for yourself and not let anyone hurt you anymore.

“I know I’ve waffled for a while now and I’m almost done; the last thing I wanted to say was the worst thing about my relationship with Leo is that I let him make me think that I wasn’t worthy of being loved by someone or that I wasn’t important or that my feelings weren’t valid, and basically he just made me think so badly of myself and I didn’t love or respect myself enough to get out of the relationship when it had started going sound. So as it is January now, I’ve decided to make a New Year’s resolution and that is to find love, but not with someone else, but with myself for once. I’m going to work on building myself up once again so something like this never happens to me again, and I’m going to work on properly loving myself as well.”

He exhales after saying that, as he hadn’t planned on going off on that mini tangent at the end - the thought just came to him last minute. But he takes a second to make sure he’s said everything he wanted to say before he wraps it all up. “So that’s it, I’m sorry this video was so long and so sad.” he lets out another nervous little chuckle. “My next one though will definitely be more upbeat, I promise! And until next time, I love you and goodbye.”

Dan shuts off the camera for him and Phil drops back onto his bed, and lies on his back for a moment, closing his eyes and just processing everything that just happened. Dan walks over to him and climbs onto his bed, lying down next to him and when Phil turns to look at him, he sees Dan smiling widely as he tells him, “I’m so proud of you.”

Phil grins. “Thanks.”

“You should be proud of yourself.” Dan adds. “This was really brave of you, and I know it wasn’t easy.”

“It wasn’t,” Phil admits. “But it was worth it.”

Dan leans over and presses a kiss to his temple. “I’m really so proud of you.” he tells him again, and Phil blushes.

“Thank you.” he mumbles, then sits up. “I think I’m going to edit it now.”

“Really?” Dan asks him. “You sure you don’t want to wait a day or two?”

Phil shakes his head. “No, I want this uploaded as soon as possible. Besides, if I don’t do it now, then I’ll put it off for another month and I really don’t want that.” Dan understands, and he accompanies Phil to the office where he sits in the couch while Phil edits his video, going over to rub his shoulders every few minutes because he can see how tense and stressed he is over the video, over hearing his own voice so much, over listening to the story once again. He jokes that he’s forgotten how to edit, as he hasn’t made a video in so long, and it’s a feeble attempt to lighten the mood, but Dan laughs anyway and he tells him he’s doing just fine.

It takes a bit of time for Phil to finish editing and for the video to finish exporting, and when it does, he goes to upload it and he honestly feels sick to his stomach. He’s so afraid - he wonders how people are going to receive it, if he said all the right things, if people are going to leave mean comments. When it finishes uploading, he all but runs from the office and goes into his room to hide under his covers, as if that’ll making dealing with all of this any easier. Then again, the solution to all of life’s problems is to make a blanket fort, so maybe Phil has the right idea now.

Dan tweets the link to his video for him and posts it to his Tumblr and Facebook, before going to join Phil under his duvet. “You have nothing to be worried about.” he tells him. “It’s all going to be fine.” Phil just grunts in response and cuddles into Dan’s side, and for a few minutes, the two of them just lie together in silence.

Then Phil’s phone starts blowing up with tweets and texts from all of his friends, all of them telling him how proud they are of him and how brave he was for posting that video and how strong he was for leaving Leo. Dan encourages him to go check the comments on his video so far, even though he knows there won’t be many since the video was just uploaded, but he checks anyway and people have left such nice, well thought out comments for him to read through. His eyes actually start to well up with tears a little bit because he’s just so overwhelmed by all of the positive feedback and support he’s been receiving so far. Later in the night, Zoe calls him up on Skype, and she’s in tears but she tells him how proud she of him and how much she loves him, and Dan’s by his side telling him the same thing, and for the first time in months, Phil feels truly loved.

* * *

The next day, Phil sees that his mentions are flooded with loving tweets sent into him by viewers and friends; even some people at the BBC have gotten in contact with him, telling him that he was so brave for telling everyone about what happened to him. Almost all of his youtube friends had tweeted about the video, saying that they felt inspired by Phil and that they’re so proud of him. The comments on YouTube and Tumblr are still flooding in, and Phil can’t even put into words how all of this has made him feel.

A few days pass and while the initial excitement - for lack of a better term - does die down, Phil still finds himself receiving ample feedback, all of it positive and all of it bringing a smile to his face. But truth be told, it is a bit overwhelming. He checks his comment section to see these horror stories of abusive relationships - not even just physically abusive relationships, and not even just romantic relationships either - and how Phil is encouraging them to get out of this hell they’ve been stuck in, and while he is thankful to have been able to help these people, it’s all a bit much for him. Especially when some of these comments are pretty… detailed.

That’s when Phil decides that he just wants to get away for a few days - maybe just the weekend. Dan’s all for it and he suggests visiting Zoe for the weekend; she had been asking them for the past few days to stop by, and they need to meet Percy and Pippin, her guinea pigs, as well. So Phil rings Zoe and asks if she wouldn’t mind some weekend company - of course, she says yes, and on Friday, Dan and Phil are on the train to Brighton

The train journey takes about an hour, and it’s spent mostly with Phil sleeping on Dan’s shoulder while Dan plays games on his phone, and when they arrive in Brighton, Zoe and Alfie are waiting for them at the train station. Zoe greets the two of them with big hugs, and asks how they are as Alfie leads the four of them to Zoe’s car.

“How was your train ride?” Alfie asks them.

“Uneventful.” Dan says. “Which is good, because Phil always seems to attract the weirdest people whenever we go out in public.”

“Do you really?” Zoe asks.

“Oh yeah.” Phil says, and then goes into his many stories of the weird people he’s encountered, specifically while travelling. Zoe and Alfie both laugh so hard at the story about ‘the tea people’ and Dan laughs too, even though he’s heard the story before. But it makes Phil smile; it makes him feel normal. and normalcy is something he’s been wanting for a while now . He doesn’t want people to look at him like he’s a different person now just because what happened to him; he doesn’t want to be a victim or a survivor, he just wants to be Phil. And this weekend he doesn’t have to worry about being a victim or a survivor.-He’s just going to be Phil.

They arrive to Zoe’s and Alfie departs a few minutes later to go pick up some cupcakes for the four of them to enjoy this evening - to which both Dan and Phil insist they don’t have to go to any trouble for them, and Zoe and Alfie reply that it’s no trouble at all. “Besides, we both really want cupcakes anyway.” Alfie jokes before giving Zoe a kiss goodbye and then heads out for their cupcakes. Zoe turns to Dan and Phil, “Do you want to help feed Percy and Pippin?” she asks, shrugging her jacket off as the four of them walk inside her house.

“Yes!” Phil says excitedly, discarding his things on Zoe’s couch. Dan chuckles as he watches his friend eagerly follow Zoe to her guinea pigs, and when curiosity gets the best of him, he follows the two of him, just wanting to watch the scene unfold. He knows how much Phil loves animals, so he knows that Phil must be looking forward to this.

Zoe picks up on of the guinea pigs out of their cage. “This is Percy,” she tells him.

“How am I going to be able to tell them apart?” he asks, looking from Percy to Pippin and they look nearly identical.

“Pippin is the one with the brown ear and long hair at the back, and Percy has the louder squeak.” she explains. “Also, Percy tends to bite a little so be careful.”

“Oh.” Phil chuckles.

“Don’t worry, he’s so sweet,” Zoe reassures him, and she hands Percy off to him.

He’s so much smaller than he looks, and softer too, and Phil’s gentle as can be, holding Percy close to his chest with one hand, the other taking some lettuce from Zoe and feeding him with it. He nibbles at it eagerly, and Phil chuckles. “Dan can we get one?” he asks, looking up at Dan.

Dan chuckles. “Sure.” he says, walking over to gently pet Percy on his head while he eats.

“Do you want to hold him?” Phil asks, though he looks reluctant to let go of him.

“No, that’s fine.” Dan says with another chuckle.

“You can hold them all you want, Phil.” Zoe tells him, then her eyes widen a bit. “Oh! I have an idea! Dan can you grab Pippin please?”

Dan eyes the cage anxiously. “Is he going to bite me or anything?” he asks nervously.

“You’ll be fine, just scoop him up!” Zoe says, and then disappears down the hall for a moment. Dan reaches inside the cage for Pippin, struggling a bit to pick him up as Pippin doesn’t seem to be in the mood for human contact - not that Dan blames him - and it takes a few tries before he’s got him in his hands.

“Isn’t he so soft?” Phil asks, cuddling Percy to his chest, the little guinea pig all finished with his lettuce. Phil grabs another piece of lettuce and hands it to Dan. “Here, Pippin is probably hungry too.”

“God, I’m going to drop him at this rate.” Dan mumbles, taking the lettuce from Phil, trying to manage Pippin in one hand and the lettuce in another so he can feed the little guy.

“Don’t drop him!” Phil sounds horrified.

“Who’s dropping who?” Zoe appears back by the boys seconds later.

“I didn’t drop anyone!” Dan says. “Anyway, what was your idea?”

“Oh yeah, follow me!” Zoe motions for the boys to follow her out into the lounge. “And bring Percy and Pippin!” the boys follow her and Zoe shows them the little set up she made for them on her couch. “You can sit under my duvet and Percy and Pippin can sit in your lap,” she tells Phil with a smile. “Now you really can hold them all you want.”

Phil’s smile can’t be wider as he gets situated under Zoe’s duvet and rests Pippin in Percy in his lap, and Dan can’t stop smiling at how happy Phil is. He sits on the floor right beside him, and Zoe goes to make hot chocolate for them. Alfie returns minutes later with cupcakes for all of them, and the four of them gather together in Zoe’s living room, and spend the rest of the night watching films together.

Phil ends up moving aside so Dan can sit next to him under the duvet, and it’s a tight squeeze and they’re both way too tall for this, but they cuddle together and make it work. Dan wraps his arm around Phil’s shoulders and holds him close, and Phil rests his head in the crook of Dan’s neck. And with Dan by his side, Pippin and Percy in his lap, and a mug of hot chocolate in his hands, he’s more than content right now. A weekend like this is just what he needed.

* * *

Time passes and for the most part, just about everything has gone back to normal. Phil’s injuries have healed and his cast is gone - which makes him very happy because doing anything one handed was a massive challenge for him. Right after the break up, Phil would have nightmares about Leo almost every night, some of which just reliving the break up and some of them terrifying scenes where Leo somehow made his way back into his life, but now they’ve almost completely stopped and he doesn’t feel afraid to go to sleep anymore.

He feels… normal again. He feels like the Phil he was before he met Leo - only happier now.

Even though the video talking about his relationship with Leo was uploaded almost two months ago, he still receives comments about it - his subscriber count has even doubled since uploading it - and everyone continues to send him well wishes and thank him for making the video. He was hoping that when he uploaded it that someone who was in a position that was similar to his would watch it and have it inspire them to go seek the help they needed, but he never would’ve thought that his video would have touched so many people and encouraged so many people to get out of these relationships where they aren’t happy or aren’t treated right.

Apparently his viewers weren’t the only ones inspired by what he had to say, as a week before Playlist Live he receives an email from one of the people who help run Playlist. Phil’s eyes scan the email and statements like “we were incredibly moved your video” and “we are all so proud of you and wishing you the best” pop out at him before they cut to the chase, asking him if he were willing to do a panel at Playlist talking about abusive relationships, not only his personal experiences but taking questions from an audience about abusive relationships in general.

Dan reads the email over his shoulder and lets out a low whistle. “That’s nice of them to want you to do that.” he says

“Yeah.” Phil says slowly, trying to decide if he’s going to say yes to this or not. While it is a really great idea, it just makes him a bit nervous to speak out about something so personal in front of a crowd of people, unable to edit out the parts where he gets too emotional or choked up.

Dan picks up on his anxiety over this, and he rubs his shoulders. “You don’t have to do this, you know.” he reminds him.

“I know,” Phil murmurs. He falls silent once again, mulling over his options before he ultimately decides that he’s going to do it. “I think it could really help some people who maybe haven’t found the courage to break free of a bad relationship to hear me talk about it in person.” he tells Dan as he types up a reply email. “And I feel like people probably still have a lot of questions for me, and if I can answer them all at once then I won’t have to deal with them in my Twitter mentions - or just in general anymore.” he stops typing for a moment to look at his monitor, and he sees Dan standing behind him, smiling so wide and his lips twitch into a shy smile as he asks him, “What?”

“I’m just really proud of you,” Dan tells him. “You’re so brave, and I just -” Dan stops himself for a moment, a blush creeping across his cheeks and he blurts out, “I think you’re really incredible.”

Phil blushes as well, looking down at the keyboard as he mutters out a “Thank you.” to Dan, and Dan just stands there behind him, awkwardly blushing and Phil can’t quite meet his eyes until he’s sent his email. It shouldn’t be so awkward between them; they’re best friends, of course they’re going to compliment each other every now and again. Maybe it’s because Phil isn’t used to someone talking so nicely to him that it just makes him accepting compliments so awkward for him - or maybe it’s because Dan looks really cute when he blushes and stutters, and Phil can’t seem to get the image out of his mind.

* * *

Playlist Live rolls around faster than either Dan or Phil expect it to, and before they know it, they’re on the plane with Zoe, Alfie, Louise, and so many of their other British friends headed to Florida.

Dan and Phil sit towards the back of the plane, excluded from everyone else as they usually do because for some reason - especially lately - even when they’re in a group of people they seem to only care about each other and just want to be with each other. Phil sits by the window, his head resting against and eyes closing as the plane levels after take off.

“You alright?” Dan asks him when he hears him sigh heavily.

“I’m -” Phil stops himself before he just says the words ‘I’m fine’ because he’s not fine, and he needs to start being honest about his feelings again. “I’m just a bit nervous about Playlist.” he admits.

“Because of your panel?” Dan guesses, sympathetically rubbing his shoulder.

“Well that, but mostly I’m just nervous to be around everyone,” he tells him. “I mean, I’m excited to see all of the fans and stuff, but I just don’t want everyone screaming, you know?”

“Aw,” Dan frowns. “I forgot that all the yelling and screaming makes you nervous.”

“I should be fine,” Phil tries to reassure him but there’s anxiety building up in his chest already and the flight has just started; he can’t imagine how he’ll feel once they’re actually in Florida, surrounded by a hoard of viewers screaming for him. “It’s just all the noise, it sets me on edge.”

“I know.” Dan wraps his arm around Phil’s shoulder, and Phil leans into him. “Don’t worry about it, okay? I’m going to take care of it - I’m going to take care of you.”

Phil blushes and hides his face against Dan’s shirt. “Dan -”

“I am though,” Dan cuts in. “I’m going to make sure that this is the best weekend ever for you.”

“Thank you.” Phil mumbles, and Dan can see that the tips of his ears are red and it makes his heart flutter in his chest. Phil really is just the cutest human being ever.

The remainder of the flight goes by uneventful, spare for Louise going around to everyone asking if they’ve ever had a Bloody Mary before and then making them try the drink if they’ve said no, and hours later the plane is landing in Florida. Phil’s heart rate spikes as the plane descends and he nervously buries his face in the crook of Dan’s neck. “It’s okay,” Dan tells him, and he places a kiss on the top of Phil’s head. “It’s all going to be fine.”

The plane lands, and as they’re about to exit, Dan tells Phil to wait for a moment and that he’ll tell him when he can come out into the terminal. Although he’s confused, he obliges, and he stands behind as Dan scurries off. And he waits, despite the fact that he feels a bit silly about just standing there while everyone walks past him and airport security gives him a strange look for just idly standing by as well - when he hears Dan talking and he strains his ears to listen. “Phil and I will be happy to stop and take all the selfies with you guys, but please just don’t scream and yell when you see Phil okay? Because he really doesn’t like it and it scares him a bit, and I don’t want him to be scared this weekend and I’m sure none of you do either. So spread the word for me please? And let’s all just be calm and cool, okay? Okay, I’m going to get Phil now - remember when I said!”

Phil feels like his heart is going to burst - he can’t believe the trouble Dan is going to just so he has a good weekend. He doesn’t know how he got so lucky to have Dan in his life, but he’s so insanely happy that he has him. “Alright, we can go now.” Dan says as he approaches him with a smile. Phil doesn’t mention that he overhead Dan’s little plan to make sure that everything runs smoothly this weekend; instead he just smiles at him and follows him out into the airport terminal. They’re greeted by numerous smiling faces, and everyone asks Phil how he is and how his flight was, and no one screams or yells and Phil can feel some of his previous anxiety just melt away.

In theory Dan’s plan to try and talk to everyone before Phil gets to them and tell everyone to keep calm and quiet is a great one, and Phil actually believes that it’ll work despite all of the flaws in his plan. But realistically, Dan can’t protect Phil from all the screamers, and by the time they get to their hotel, there are fans everywhere and they’re all so loud, and some of them are screaming so much. Phil goes tense when they enter the lobby and every instinct in him is telling him to just turn around and leave because he doesn’t feel safe anymore.

He squeezes Dan’s hand anxiously, simply because he has no idea what to do now, and Dan just looks at him and he tells him, “It’s okay, don’t worry. Just follow me, okay?” Phil nods and Dan leads him through the lobby, where they barely escape all of the people out there yelling their names and calling out for them. Phil closes his eyes, trying to block all of the noise out, but it proves to be too much for him and he and Dan find themselves collapsed in the hallway of their hotel, Phil’s back against the wall as he struggles to keep his breathing steady.

“I’m - I’m fine.” he tries to tell Dan, but it’s obvious that he isn’t.

Dan reaches out and gently cups his face in his hand. “Yeah, you’re fine, Phil.” Dan tells him. “You’re fine. I’m here, okay? I’m here.”

Dan’s here. It’s suddenly as if those two words have erased his fears and Phil knows that he doesn’t have to be afraid anymore - something about just knowing Dan is here with him is so comforting to him that it actually manages to calm him down a bit. Phil reaches out for him, and Dan pulls him into a tight hug, and Phil just clings to him tightly because Dan is here, and Dan makes him feel safe.

* * *

The first day of Playlist goes smoothly, and Phil gets to see all of his friends - unlike last year, where he saw nobody for the entire weekend. There’s a small get together in one of the hotel rooms with all of his closest youtube friends and they throw a mini party for Phil, which makes him blush a lot and his jaw hurts from smiling and saying “thank you” to everyone but it’s still a great night.

Day two of Playlist is the day of Phil’s panel, and he barely gets any sleep the night before and he wakes up with his stomach in knots. He tries to remind himself that it’s going to be just like doing a live show - which he hasn’t done in months so maybe that isn’t the best thing to compare it to. But it’s going to be fine; truth be told, he can’t really screw this up because it’s just him talking about himself and his experiences.

Also Dan is going to be there the whole time, and truth be told that makes him feel so much better.

His panel isn’t until later, but the day goes by in a blur and before he knows it, he’s backstage and it’s five minutes before he has to go out and speak to everyone. He’s about finished with this second water bottle, so he hopes that he won’t be too nervous because the last thing he needs is to wet his pants in front of all of these people.

Dan takes Phil by his hand and takes him aside before he has to go out, and he puts his hands on his shoulders and tells him, “You are going to be amazing, okay?”

Phil manages a small smile. “Pun intended?”

Dan grins at him. “Pun intended.” he says. “Really though, Phil, you have nothing to be nervous about, everything is going to go just fine.”

“You really think so?” Phil asks anxiously.

“I know so.” Dan says confidently. “Everyone is going to love you and you’re going be great. And Zoe, Louise, Tyler and a bunch of other people are out in the crowd supporting you too and they know as well as I do that you’re going to be amazing - pun intended.”

Phil glances behind Dan, and he can see someone throwing up two fingers at him - meaning he’s got two minutes until he has to go out on stage. “And you’ll be there with me, won’t you?” he asks him, almost shyly at that.

Dan can’t fight the wide smile stretching across his lips when he hears this, and he tells him, “Yes, the whole time. I promise.” He gives Phil’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze, and Phil just smiles at him finding that he has to resist the urge to just lean forward and kiss him. He blushes at the thought of that, his heart skipping a beat and he finds himself thinking, where did that idea come from?

He doesn't have time to dwell on it though because the next thing he knows, Dan is walking out past the curtains that are hiding them from the audience and out onto the stage, ready to introduce Phil.

“Hi everyone!” Dan smiles and waves at the crowd of people before him, everyone cheering loudly and excitedly clapping. The energy in the room is so positive and welcoming and he hopes that Phil is backstage receiving it all because this is all for him. “Okay, so Phil’s going to come out in a minute but first I’d just like to say that I know you’re all excited and I know you all love Phil, but please try to refrain from yelling and screaming and just making loud noises in general because it scares him and we all want Phil to be happy and relaxed during this don’t we?” he hears a chorused, “Yes!” in response, and it makes him chuckle. “Right then, so without further ado, here’s Phil!”

Phil takes a deep breath when he hears Dan introduce him and he smiles nervously as he walks out onto the stage, waving at everyone and saying “Hey guys!” into his microphone. Everyone claps for him, and Dan gives him a thumbs up, and when he looks around and sees a sea of smiling faces, he suddenly doesn’t feel so afraid anymore.

“Hi!” he smiles at everyone. “Wow, there really is a lot more of you than I expected. I didn’t think so many people would be interested in listening to me talk.” the back of the room a small group of people say, “We love you Phil!” and he laughs a little. “Thank you.” he says. “So I’m assuming most of you have seen a video I posed a few months about my relationship with my last boyfriend?” nearly everyone in the room raises their hands and Phil says, “Okay good, just about everyone. So this panel-slash-Q and A is going to focus mostly on that video, so any questions you guys might have about my relationship you can ask me or if there’s anything that I didn’t address in the video that you’re curious about you can ask me about as well. Or if you have any advice you’d want from me, just feel free and ask me anything.” the room is silent for a moment and Phil lets a nervous chuckle. “Don’t be afraid,” he tells everyone. “I know this isn’t the most upbeat topic, but I’m okay with talking about it and if I can help somebody in the process, then that’s even better.”

Someone in the front row shyly raises their hand and when Phil hands her the microphone, she asks, “How have you been lately?”

Phil smiles at her. “I’ve been good!” he says. “I’ve been coping a lot better as time goes on, and I’m not completely okay but I’m doing really good and I’m really happy lately.”

The person sitting next to her asks, “What are some of the negative effects of what happened to you?”

“Nightmares mostly,” Phil says. “I’ve had a few panic attacks as well, but not often only when I get scared - like the night our neighbors were fighting and I could hear them screaming at each other from our apartment, and like Dan said, I really don’t like all that noise, so that made me have a panic attack. But over past few weeks they’ve been happening less and less, and my nightmares have been going away, and like I said I’m a much happier person these days.”

Someone else raises their hand, “How long was the relationship?”

“It was ten months by the time we broke up,” Phil tells everyone. “But Leo was only abusive for eight months out of the ten we were together.”

Someone else asks, “Was it only physical abuse, or was it more than that - if you don’t mind answering.”

“I don’t mind,” Phil says with a smile. “For the most part it was a lot of physical abuse, but he was also verbally abusive towards me. He was emotionally abusive towards me as well but I didn’t even realize it at the time.”

“What do you mean, you didn’t realize it?” one girl asks.

“Well for one, I didn’t even know that emotional abuse was a thing,” Phil admits. “And I kind of just thought that I was overreacting, but after the relationship ended I realized how manipulative Leo really was and how he always did or said things that he knew would hurt his feelings. Also this is something I recently discovered after doing some research - I’m not sure if any of you have heard of it, but something Leo would gaslight me, which means he would manipulate situations to try and trick me into thinking that everything was all my fault.”

Another girl asks, “So did all of that make it harder to leave him?”

“Definitely,” Phil says. “It was hard because I just felt trapped; part of me wanted to stay in hopes that everything was going to get better, part of me didn’t even want to admit there was a problem - mostly because I thought that I was the problem - and part of me knew that I should leave, I just wasn’t brave enough to.”

Another person raises their hand. “You mentioned in your video that something specific happened that gave you the courage to finally leave Leo, if you don’t mind, could you tell us what that was?”

Phil takes a deep breath, pausing for a moment. “Yeah, I can talk about it now.” he says. “I think the reason why I said I didn’t want to talk about it when I made the video was because it was just so recent and hard to think about, but I’m okay now and I’m okay to talk about it.” he rubs the back of his neck nervously and glances over to Dan, who’s been standing off to the side of the stage the entire time, and he gives him a smile and a thumbs up, and Phil smiles a little at him before looking back to the audience and answering the question. “So basically, Dan had suspected that something was wrong and when he confronted Leo about it, Leo basically threatened him and when I found that out, I was so afraid that Leo was going to hurt Dan so that’s when I knew I had to end it.”

“Were you scared to break up with him?” someone else asks.

“Terrified.” Phil admits. “Making the decision to break up with Leo was a brave one, I’ll admit that, but actually breaking up with him was scary. Aside from the fact that Leo had such a bad temper and I was afraid of him hurting me, part of me was still convinced that things would change between us and he would stop hitting me. But I knew I had to do it, and it wasn’t easy but… I did it.” a light blush dusts across Phil’s cheeks when everyone starts clapping for him, Dan included and he remembers how being with being with Leo made him feel ten inches tall, but right now with everyone around him supporting him makes him feel ten feet tall.

He takes a couple of more questions, some people tell him how his video was the encouragement they needed to get out of their own abusive relationships. Even Dan gets a few questions from people wondering how to be a good friend in a situation like this, which makes him stutter and blush because he definitely wasn’t expecting to be put on the spot like this, and Phil finds it all too cute.

Finally as things are wrapping up, Phil gets one final question from someone in the back of the room, “Do you think you’re ever going to be in another relationship one day?”

“One day.” Phil says. “I don’t know when but…” he turns to the side again, glancing at Dan and he smiles a little. “But one day, I’ll be ready.”

* * *

Phil’s panel comes to a close and he’s greeted backstage by all of his friends, receiving big hugs from all of them, especially Dan who gives him a tight squeeze for a second longer than anyone else does and then doesn’t meet his eyes when they pull away.

Later that night, when everyone else departs to one of the annual Playlist parties, Dan and Phil depart to their room instead and opt to spend the night watching basic cable and ordering room service.

“I don’t understand American television.” Dan murmurs as he flicks through the channels looking for something decent to watch. Phil lays on his bed, watching Dan who’s sat crosslegged next to him grumbling about nothing being on TV and even though he’s got a grumpy butt face, he looks so cute and Phil finds himself wondering if Dan had suddenly just become really cute, or if he had always been this cute and Phil just hadn’t noticed.

A knock on the door brings Phil out of his thoughts - perfect timing; he needs to not be thinking about how cute Dan is with him sitting less than a foot away from him, and he needs to not be trying to figure out why he suddenly thinks Dan is the cutest thing to grace this earth and why he wants to kiss him so badly. He doesn’t have time for thoughts like this… okay, he does have time for thoughts like this, but he just doesn’t want to deal with them right now. He’ll deal with them back in London; maybe the hot Florida sun is doing things to his brain.

(He knows very well that the sun is not to blame, and he knows very well that he’s been thinking of Dan differently lately - but they have company now, so he needs to divert his focus elsewhere.)

“I’ll get it,” Phil says getting up to his feet and going over to answer the door and when he opens it, Zoe and Louise - Louise holding a box of pizza in her arms - are standing in the hall outside of their room. “Hey!” he says, surprised to see them both and he hugs them as they walk inside. “What are you guys doing here? I thought you were at the party?”

“We were,” Zoe says, pausing only when she gives Dan a hug.and then continues, “But we were thinking about the two of you and thought that you might not mind some company.”

“And we bought pizza so you can’t kick us out.” Louise adds, brandishing the box like Vanna White when there’s a new letter on the board, before she places it atop of Phil’s bed.

“You didn’t happen to bring a movie for us, did you?” Dan asks. “Because there’s nothing on TV.”

Louise stares at him for a moment. “Is my pizza not enough for you, Daniel?”

The four of them laugh, and Zoe and Louise get themselves situated on the bed and Phil crawls back to his spot next to Dan. “So guys,” one of Dan’s hands go out to reach for a slice of pizza while the other wraps around Phil’s shoulders. “Wasn’t Phil’s panel the best thing ever, today?”

Phil blushes. “Dan!”

“It really was though!” Zoe insists. “I nearly cried a couple of times.”

“I actually did cry.” Louise admits, and they all laugh again.

Phil shifts a little under Dan’s arm, and the brunette boy just gives his shoulder a reassuring squeeze - just another one of those “I’m still here” reminders that he’s always giving him - and Phil can feel his face getting hotter. He wants to blame it on the fact that the hotel’s AC doesn’t work, but that would be a lie because the room is cool, and Phil’s increase in body heat have everything to do with Dan Howell.

It’s strange to think that these little touches like Dan putting his arm around his shoulder or Dan holding his hand or Dan kissing his forehead didn’t mean much a few months ago, but now they seem to mean everything; like every time Dan touches him, Phil’s skin feels like it’s on fire in the best way possible. Every time he and Dan make eye contact, it leaves him lightheaded with a feeling in his chest that makes him feel like the Grinch - like his heart had grown two sizes - and a swarm of butterflies flying around in the pit of his stomach, their wings flapping at top speed as they soar around in dizzying circles. The best thing though is how much Dan makes him smile - god, when Dan makes him smile he finds himself smiling non stop, his cheeks aching but pain is irrelevant because he knows that Dan would never let anything hurt him anyway. He just feels so safe with Dan, and Dan makes him so happy. And it’s strange to think that a few months ago, all he just thought of Dan as his best friend, nothing more, but now…. now he doesn’t know what he thinks of him, but it’s definitely something more.

Zoe or Louise - he isn’t sure which one of them to be honest - coughs lightly, and Phil glances up to see the two of them staring at him and Dan, smiling from ear to ear and it makes Phil blush even more. “What?” Dan asks them.

“Oh…” Zoe and Louise glance at each other knowingly, before Louise just says, “Nothing.”

* * *

Over the past few months, Dan and Phil find themselves getting closer - which Phil didn’t even think was possible because Dan is his best friend and they’ve always been close, but now it’s as if they’re closer than ever. Phil remembers for a while how everything was strained between them, which was his fault he can’t deny that, so maybe now they’re making up for lost time. But at the same time, it’s not like that at all and lately, Phil finds himself wondering if he and Dan are really one hundred percent platonic.

The problem is, Phil isn’t sure exactly what he wants to do about all of this; he thinks he really wants to be with Dan and that scares him a bit, because it’s been so long since he’s been in a relationship and that one ended so terribly. And it’s not that he thinks Dan will treat him as badly as Leo did because he doesn’t think that at all; he knows that Dan would treat him like a prince. The problem is him and he isn’t sure if he’s ready to take on a new relationship, and he doesn’t know when he’ll be ready - there isn’t a timeline for him to follow on ‘abusive relationship recovery’. Is he just supposed to know when he’s ready to try and start dating again? Or should he wait a few more months? What if Dan doesn’t even like him and he’s just jumping to conclusions, assuming that Dan wants to be with him in the first place?

Phil decides to do the only logical thing about this - he’s going to consult an expert. By expert, he means Zoe because she’s been in a situation like this before and he knows she’ll be able to help him.

At first, he has no idea when he’s going to talk to Zoe but when Dan tells him he’ll be gone for the day to visit his parents, Phil takes that as a sign that he shouldn’t put this off. As soon as Dan leaves, he sends a text to Zoe asking her if she’s available to talk on Skype really quick, and when she says yes, he opens up his laptop, logs into Skype, and gives her a ring.

She answers almost immediately, and when she does he can see a pair of purple headphones around her neck. “Hey!” he smiles at her. “Was I interrupting something?” he asks.

“Nope, just doing a bit of editing,” she tells him. “But I needed a break anyway. What’s up? You sounded like you had something you wanted to talk about when you texted me?”

“I did,” Phil admits, and nervously wrings his hands together. “Uh, I have a sort of… personal question for you.” he starts.

“Okay.” Zoe says slowly. “What is is?”

Phil sighs a little. “How long after your break up did you start dating Alfie?” he finally just blurts out.

Zoe pauses for a moment, and then her lips curl into a sly smile. “It’s Dan isn’t it?” she asks. When Phil blushes wildly, she squeals. “Oh my god, you like Dan! I knew it!”

“Zoe!” Phil whines, hiding his face in his hands, embarrassed.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Zoe apologizes, but she can’t wipe the smile off of her face. “I’m just so happy for you! So what’s your game plan? Where are you going from here?”

“I don’t know!” Phil exclaims. “That’s why I wanted to talk to you - I have no idea what to do! I don’t even know if I’m ready to be in another relationship, and I don’t even know if Dan likes me the way that I like him! And -”

“Whoa, whoa, just slow down, okay?” Zoe interrupts him. “Look, I can help you figure this out,alright? Just relax a bit.”

Phil nods. “Okay, I’m calm.” he tells her.

Zoe smiles again. “Well I can say with good authority that Dan definitely does like you in the way that you like him.” she tells him.

Phil’s eyes go comically wide, as if he wasn’t expecting Zoe to tell him that. “You’re joking.” he says simply.

“Phil, everyone knows that Dan likes you.” Zoe says. “Truth be told, I think you were the only one who didn’t know.”

“How did everyone know before I did?” Phil asks, bewildered.

“Aside from the fact that you took that little trip to Leo Land, you’re just a tad… oblivious when it comes to Dan, sometimes.” she says.

Phil’s jaw drops, as if he’s offended by what she just said. “I am not oblivious!”

“Phil, every time you two are around each other, he blushes like crazy!” Zoe tells him.

“He has rosacea!” Phil replies.

“He also has the hots for you!” Zoe says back. “Phil, I’m not kidding here - Dan likes you, a lot. The question is though, do you like him?”

Phil hesitates for a moment. For months now, he’s been trying to figure out how he feels about Dan and trying to deny his true feelings when he’s figured out the truth. But now he doesn’t want to deny it any longer. “Yes.” he finally says. “I like Dan.”

Zoe squeals again. “Oh my god, Phil you have to tell him! Dan’s going to die when he knows that you like him!”

“I can’t just tell him Zoe!” Phil insists. “He’s my best friend!”

“And when you tell him, he’ll be your best friend and your boyfriend!” Zoe replies. “Trust me, having a boyfriend who’s also your best friend is the best thing that could happen.”

“But I’m just -” Phil sighs, struggling to put into words how he feels and why he can’t just tell Dan how he feels about him.

“You’re scared, aren’t you?: Zoe asks. “About getting into a new relationships?”

“Yes.” Phil admits.

“You know Dan’s never going to hurt you,” Zoe tells him. “Honestly, he already treats you like a prince.”

“I know, I’m just worried,” he bites on his bottom lip anxiously. “What if he gets tired of having to take care of me one day? Or what if things don’t work out between us? Or what if he used to like me, but now he doesn’t and -”

“Phil!” Zoe interrupts again. “You aren’t being calm about this.”

“Sorry.” Phil says. He sighs again. “So how did you know you were ready to be with Alfie after your last relationship?”

“I don’t know, it sort of just… happened.” Zoe says. “When we met it was while I was still dealing with my break up and I was just really down all of the time, and then I met Alfie and…” she smiles fondly at the memories. “He made me smile and laugh, and he made me forget about all of the bad things that had happened to me for a while. Then we started talking more and when I realized how happy Alfie made me, I also realized that I deserved to be with someone who made me happy.” she pauses for a moment. “And you deserve to be with someone who makes you happy too, Phil. So you just have to ask yourself, does Dan make you happy?”

Phil doesn’t even have to think about it. “Yes, all of the time.”

Zoe smiles at him. “Then be with him.” she tells him.

Phil bites his lip again. “But what if -”

“If Dan makes you happy and you like him a lot and you want to be with him, then I think that Dan is worth any and all risks.” Zoe cuts in.

Phil considers all of this, carefully thinking over everything Zoe’s told him and he comes to the conclusion that yes, he does deserve to be with someone who makes him happy. And Dan makes him so happy - happy isn’t even enough to describe how Dan makes him feel most of the time.

In the end, Phil realizes that Zoe is right; Dan is worth any and all risks.

* * *

Phil decides he isn’t going to do anything until he can build up the perfect moment, and with the help of Zoe and Louise, he determines that perfect moment to be none other than Dan’s twenty-fourth birthday.

He wakes up hours before Dan does, mostly because his nerves are wound so tight that he can barely sleep the night before but also because he wants to make him a birthday breakfast before he gives him his present. He sneaks out into the kitchen and as quietly as he can - and without breaking anything - he makes pancakes for Dan and decorates them with icing, writing out the words ‘Happy Birthday Dan!’ across the numerous pancakes he’s spread across a large plate.

When all that’s done, and after he’s cleaned up the kitchen, he takes a deep breath. Time to wake up Dan, It’s now or never.

He creeps into Dan’s room and debates the many ways he can do this, but just settles for shaking him and saying, “Wake up, wake up! Happy birthday!”

Dan groans a little but he rolls over onto his back and opens his eyes. “What time is it?” he asks, his voice thick with sleep.

“It’s birthday o’clock!” Phil exclaims, and Dan smiles a little, pushing himself up so he’s sitting up now. “Um,” Phil looks down at his lap, suddenly too shy and nervous to even look at Dan now. “I have - do you want your presents now or later?”

“Now, please.” Dan says with a smile.

Phil’s heart nearly stops but he was expecting this, he was building himself up for this moment and he knew it was going to be sooner rather than later. He takes a deep breath, a mantra of ‘Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god’ repeating in his mind as he struggles to keep his voice steady and louder than the sound of his heart - which is beating so fast right now, Phil finds himself wondering if this is all going to have to be cut short by him having a heart attack. “I have two presents for you,” he starts. “Just in case you don’t like the first one.”

“I’m sure whatever it is you’ve got me, I’m going to love it.” Dan reassures him.

Phil just nods, and he takes a deep breath, and for a moment he considers just chickening out and doing this another day. Maybe this isn’t the perfect moment. Maybe the perfect moment will come some other time. Maybe he should just -

“Phil?” Dan cuts into his thoughts. “Am I still getting my present?” he asks, teasingly.

Phil exhales slowly; he can do this. Without another word, he simply leans forward and cups Dan’s face in his hands, not pausing or taking a moment to lock eyes with him, and he just presses his lips to Dan’s. Phil closes his eyes upon impact; Dan’s lips aren’t as soft as he thought they’d be, but they feel like they fit perfectly against his own, like the two of them really are two pieces from the same puzzle. He can’t help but to sigh a little; his chest still feels tight with anxiety and his stomach is still doing flips, but Phil swears there are fireworks going off right now. He feels like he’s at the end of his own Disney movie, and the prince is finally getting a happy ending he deserves.

Dan’s eyes widen when Phil kisses him, and his entire body goes tense for a moment. Is this really happening? Is he dreaming? He must be dreaming, Phil only kisses him like this in his dreams. But then he decides, that if he is dreaming, he never wants to wake up.

Just a soon as it happens, Phil pulls away and when he sees Dan’s deer caught in the headlights look, he starts to panic. “I’m sorry!” he exclaims. “I shouldn’t have - oh god, that was so presumptuous of me, I shouldn't have just -” Dan silences Phil by simply grabbing him by the front of his shirt and pulling him in for another kiss. Phil makes a startled noise when Dan kisses him, but just like before, fireworks are going off and the two of them fit together perfectly.

This time when they break the kiss, Dan rests his forehead against Phil’s and he tells him, “That was the best birthday present ever.”

Phil’s pretty sure he looks like a tomato wearing a wig right now, because he’s got to be blushing so much. “You - you really liked it?” he asks shyly.

“Yes.” Dan says, and his hand finds Phils and he laces their fingers together, holding the other boy’s hand tightly in his own. “I really like you.” he says.

Phil has to resist the urge to just grab Dan and kiss him again. “I really like you too, Dan.” he tells him. “I think I might’ve always liked you, it just took me until now to realize it.”

“Well,” Dan smiles at him. “You were definitely worth the wait.”

Phil chuckles a little and he kisses Dan for a third time, and when their lips lock once more, Phil realizes that this is it, this is everything he’s ever wanted. Now he’s found someone who will love him as much as he loves them, someone that will makes him feel all the things that he feels in his dreams. Now he’s someone’s someone, and it’s for real this time. And it all feels too good to be too true - like this is just another dream. Except this time it’s different; it’s a dream come true.