Work Text:
[chat: six bros chillin in the hot tub]
yoongi: hey guys just wanted to remind you that jungkook is moving in today
yoongi: so stay out of the way and for the love of GOD don’t do anything weird for at least 36 hours
jimin: gotcha hyung
jimin: let us know if he needs any help! seokjin-hyung has been working out lately :)
seokjin: bold of you to assume i would pick up anything heavier than a few pounds of deli meat or a large steak
jimin: that’s sexy
jimin: please tell us more about your infatuation with meat
hoseok: please don’t
yoongi: guys pay attention, this is my apprentice we’re talking about
namjoon: cue yoongi talking like he is an ancient wizard ready to pass on his potion knowledge
namjoon: teach us oh wise master
yoongi: namjoon i know where you live stfu
namjoon: hyung we live in the same fucking house
yoongi: anyway,,,, don’t act like this when you meet him today
taehyung: oh shit that’s today?
taehyung: shit
hoseok: taehyung
hoseok: what did you do
taehyung: um
taehyung: nothing
seokjin: where are you
taehyung: out
taehyung: when i get home we’ll stay in my room don’t worry
namjoon: we????
yoongi: taehyung you weren’t even the one i was worried about
yoongi: it was 1000% directed towards seokjin-hyung
seokjin: wowwwwwwww yoongi
seokjin: i did your laundry once three years ago and this is the thanks i get? pathetic
yoongi: taehyungie are you okay?
taehyung: yeah i’m fine haha
taehyung: gotta go bye
yoongi: hmm
hoseok: well that was weird
yoongi: anyway yeah he should be here in a few hours so please be on your best behavior
[chat: six bros chillin in the hot tub]
yoongi: so before i officially add jungkook to the house group chat
yoongi: let’s talk about what happened today
hoseok: yeah let’s talk about the fact that you didn’t tell us he was hot af
jimin: …
hoseok: no one else? okay
taehyung: before it starts
taehyung: it was at least 67% the fault of all the rain
jimin: taehyung you dumb fuck
jimin: you had the chance to use 69% and you didn’t
seokjin: lol
yoongi: why are you guys literally thirteen years old
seokjin: babe…. im 27
jimin: you’re 25 tho?
yoongi: anyway let’s talk
seokjin: did no one else get that reference?
seokjin: ur all fuckin losers man
yoongi: specifically you, kim taehyung
namjoon: oh shit he brought out the surname
taehyung: he was in the window and he was just so cute
taehyung: i had to have him
yoongi: you couldn’t have waited??? ONE day??? to get a dog???
taehyung: no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
taehyung: would if someone else had adopted him??
taehyung: i’d literally never recover!!!!
yoongi: you’re cleaning jungkook’s mattress
yoongi: and if it can’t be cleaned you’re buying him a new one
yoongi: and you’re sleeping on the couch tonight so he can use your bed since he can’t use his mattress
yoongi: you know. the mattress that your dog thought was an appropriate place to pee and poop
seokjin: lol
seokjin: i’m trying to imagine yoongi’s furious face trying to type the word ‘poop’
taehyung: i couldn’t let him out in the rain!!!! he would’ve gotten wet and then he would’ve gotten sick!!!!! i didn’t think he’d go to the bathroom in the house much less on the mattress!!!
taehyung: i promise i’ll potty-train him quickly hyung!!!
taehyung: i’m so sorry and i already apologized to kookie a million times
yoongi: well apologize some more
taehyung: hyung :(((( yeontan loves you :D
hoseok: yeontan is a cute name awww
yoongi: don’t make that face at me taehyung i’m trying to be mad at you
taehyung: hyung i’ll take you out for lamb :))) your favorite
yoongi: you better buy jungkook the lamb skewers, it’s not me you need to apologize to
[yoongi added jungkook to the chat]
[jimin changed the chat name to seven bros chillin in the hot tub]
jungkook: uhhhh hi guys
jungkook: thanks for letting me move in
jungkook: my old roommate last year was kind of an asshole haha
jimin: well don’t worry
jimin: we may all have assholes but that doesn’t mean we ARE assholes :)
jungkook: uhhh okay
yoongi: jimin what the FUCK
jimin: it sounded better in my head
taehyung: jungkookie!!!!
taehyung: i’m so sorry let me take you out for food to repay you!!! and i’ll clean your mattress too
jungkook: lol it’s okay just clean the mattress and you’re good
jungkook: the puppy is cute what’s his name
hoseok: yeontan
hoseok: he’s new :)
hoseok: just like you
jungkook: we’re move in buddies awww :))))
[chat: we be hoes]
hoseok: are you seeing this shit
hoseok: the way he :)))))
hoseok: he’s so cute
hoseok: i’m having heart palpitations
jimin: hoseok-hyung
jimin: we’re gonna get u that dick :)
hoseok: we don’t even know if he likes men :(
jimin: please as if yoongi-hyung would ever associate with a straight person
jimin: much less take one on as an apprentice
taehyung: he has a point
taehyung: and i have a plan
[chat: seven bros chillin in the hot tub]
taehyung: jungkook i INSIST on taking you out to eat
taehyung: yoongi-hyung said you like lamb skewers? i know a place!!!
taehyung: hoseok-hyung can drive us
jungkook: okay then!
hoseok: sounds good!
jungkook: maybe not tonight or tomorrow because i have to get settled but after that sounds good!
[chat: we be hoes]
hoseok: taehyung come here so i can kiss the fucking ground you walk on
jimin: AMAZING
taehyung: i better be the best man at your wedding hyung
jimin: notice how fast he agreed once taehyung said you were coming hyung :)
hoseok: stopp p im ogdjfgljhddkjshwgrkjfhs
jimin: taetae i think we broke him :(
jimin: now we just have to do the same with you and yoongi :)
taehyung: jimin shut UP omg
[private chat: jeon jungkook and jung hoseok]
hoseok: do u wanna run to the grocery store with me
hoseok: it’ll only take a few minutes
jungkook: im meeting up with some friends in half an hour :(
jungkook: we’ve barely hung out since i moved in last month :(((
jungkook: sorry hyung :((
hoseok: its ok!!
hoseok: maybe next time haha
jungkook: yeah
jungkook: eunbi wanted to try this new sushi place so i got roped into going with her
hoseok: oooo jungkookie has a girlfriendddd
jungkook: lol a gf
jungkook: no thanks
hoseok: lol what
jungkook: did you… not know i was gay?
jungkook: wait did you think i was straight
jungkook: what about me gave you that vibe i need to change it immediately
hoseok: idk i just assumed… oops
jungkook: do u really think yoongi would work with a het
hoseok: you know jimin and taehyung told me that exact thing… hmm
jungkook: well yes
jungkook: i am…. A Gay
hoseok: good to know
hoseok: nice talking to u then uh goodbye
jungkook: wait hoseokie-hyung!!!
jungkook: u know if you wait until later i’ll go to the grocery store with you!
jungkook: if that’s fine with you i mean haha
hoseok: i would love it jungkookie :)
[chat: we be hoes]
hoseok: so jungkook is gay
taehyung: wow how did you ever guess
jimin: what gave it away?
jimin: was it the rainbow flag sticker on his laptop? or the other sticker on his water bottle? or maybe the rainbow keychain on his gym duffel bag? or the fact that it takes him an hour to do his hair?
hoseok: people can be allies jimin
hoseok: and you take an hour to do your hair too
jimin: yeah, because i’m GAY
jimin: im taking off all my clothes hoseok-hyung come here you’re so fucking stupid
taehyung: the morosexual meme dlfkjdflkgjdflgk
hoseok: :(
hoseok: anyway
hoseok: we’re going to the grocery store together later :)
jimin: sexy
taehyung: can you pick up some condoms?
hoseok: i love you taehyungie but not enough to buy condoms for you
jimin: kim taehyung?? you’re fucking someone and you didn’t tell us???
taehyung: they aren’t for me
taehyung: they’re for hobi-hyung and jungkook
hoseok: tae stfuuuuuuu
hoseok: now im nervous what if i were to go to buy condoms and he thinks they’re for me and someone else :((((
jimin: i got it
jimin: pick up a box off the shelf and turn to him and be like “hey wanna help me try these out”
hoseok: and be arrested for harassment? i don’t think so jimin
jimin: your loss then
jimin: my other idea was to go to the vegetable section and make some very lewd gestures with a cucumber but i’m guessing you wouldn’t do that either
[chat: old bois wouldn’t let us in so we’re young bois]
jungkook: SOS SOS SOS SOS SOS SOS
taehyung: what is it?
jungkook: so i like hobi-hyung right
jungkook: and i think he JUST realized i was gay
jungkook: which is honestly disappointing because one time i spent an hour and a half in his bathroom doing my hair which like…. would a straight person ever do that?
jimin: HOLD ON A FUCKIN SECOND
taehyung: GO BACK TO THE PART ABOUT YOU LIKING HOSEOK
jungkook: i’ve literally told you guys i think he’s cute before
jimin: you have mentioned it
taehyung: but EVERYONE thinks hobi-hyung is cute
jimin: ^^^
jimin: we have a loving hoseok support circle if u wanna join
taehyung: it’s us two and and all the hyungs
jimin: we meet on tuesday nights and we wear green because that’s his favorite color :(
taehyung: sometimes when hoseok walks in on us we have to punish him by tickling him bc his laugh is so cute
jimin: it sounds weird but it’s really cute in person
jungkook: i think i’m gonna have to join you guys
jungkook: if he even so much smiles at me tonight i think i might literally have a heart attack in the canned goods aisle
jimin: ah yes
jimin: the grocery store dilemma
taehyung: it’s been discussed
jungkook: wtf
jungkook: how do u guys know about that
taehyung: oh jungkookie
jimin: we know everything :)
[private chat: kim taehyung and park jimin]
jimin: this cant be happening
taehyung: im so sad :(((
taehyung: how can hoseok bag a man like jungkook in .2 seconds while i’m just sitting here waiting for my goblin king to come woo me
taehyung: can yoongi-hyung just like me back already
jimin: the first step might be to not refer to him as a goblin king
taehyung: no!!!! he is my small angery babie and i love him
taehyung: u know how he grinds his teeth when he’s frustrated working on music in the living room :(((
taehyung: cutest goblin behavior :((((
jimin: grinding your teeth the least sexiest thing i could ever think of
jimin: you’re really in deep huh taetae :(
taehyung: yeah :(((((
taehyung: i think yoongi is still mad at me for not stopping yeontan from shitting on jungkook’s mattress
jimin: dude no offense but are you stupid
jimin: that very same day he was like “taehyung *one million heart eye emojis* have you eaten dinner yet”
taehyung: i think he was trying to be nice to me bc he hurt my feelings tho
taehyung: and he still holds residual resentment
taehyung: this is never gonna work out im just gonna be a hermit virgin forever
jimin: its a little too late for that last one buddy :((( but don’t lose faith
[chat: old bois]
hoseok: oh my god oh my god oh my GOD
seokjin: what is it now
hoseok: jungkook and i are going to the grocery store together later
namjoon: oh wow use protection
hoseok: namjoon shut up
hoseok: im nervous :((((
yoongi: i wish taehyung and i could go to the grocery store together :((((
seokjin: yoongi are you okay?
seokjin: like i know you’re always sad about taehyung but you seem Extra Sad About Taehyung lately
yoongi: yeah he’s just extra cute and wonderful lately :(
yoongi: i think its yeontan :((( the amount of kissy faces i have seen taehyung do is frankly too much for my heart to handle
yoongi: when he babytalks the dog :(((
seokjin: woah
seokjin: cleanup on aisle disgustingly in love
seokjin: get it!!! a grocery store pun!! because hoseok is going to the grocery store with jungkook
namjoon: …
yoongi: moving on
seokjin: i never get appreciated in this household
yoongi: you guys better never breathe a word of this outside this group chat i have a reputation to uphold
hoseok: lmao what reputation
namjoon: your reputation is that u start fights to be able to hold hands with people i don’t think your reputation is gonna take much of a hit
yoongi: you guys are MEAN
[chat: seven bros chillin in the hot tub]
hoseok: [video attached]
hoseok: this is my choreo for the kids’ class im teaching this summer do you guys think it looks easy enough??
namjoon: how do u look so boneless when u dance
namjoon: its INCREDIBLE
jungkook: fun fact about me!!! most humans have 206 bones but i have 207
seokjin: get a load of this fool !!!
seokjin: he thinks his penis is a bone lmao
hoseok: hey don’t be mean to him :((
jungkook: actually before i was born my toes didn’t form right in the womb so i have two separate bones in my left pinky toe where there should only be one
namjoon: god damn
seokjin: jungkook, i’m so glad you’ve been able to overcome your ordeal and become a functioning member of society like the rest of us
jungkook: and what exactly do you do that makes YOU a functioning member of society jin hyung?
yoongi: holy SHIT
taehyung: 911
taehyung: IVE JUST WITNESSED A MURDER
hoseok: and not even an honorific…. jungkookie u godless man
jimin: jin-hyung is cryingggggg lmaoooo
jimin: like im literally watching him cry right now
namjoon: jungkook ur my king
[chat: seven bros chillin in the hot tub]
jimin: so
jimin: can you guys also hear them?
taehyung: our room is closer and yes we can
seokjin: yoongi is gonna be so mad lmaooooo
yoongi: im at the studio rn
yoongi: …mad about what
seokjin: well yoongichi when a man and another man love each other…
yoongi: are hoseok and jungkook going at it in my room
namjoon: VERY astute of u hyung, im proud
yoongi: at least they realized their feelings for each other
yoongi: hmm :(
[private chat: park jimin and kim taehyung]
jimin: kim taehyung he is speaking DIRECTLY to you
taehyung: jimin he could literally be talking about anyone
jimin: so lets see. hoseok and jungkook are together so he’s not talking about either of them
taehyung: he’s probably talking about seokjin or something
jimin: no the fuck he is NOT
jimin: in case you haven’t noticed seokjin namjoon and i have a little thing going on where we all flirt with each other and never do anything about it
jimin: and that’s my own problem
jimin: but i swear to GOD yoongi isn’t talking about any of us
jimin: he’s talking about YOU
taehyung: lfhskgjldgj
taehyung: im just too scared rn :(((
[chat: old bois]
hoseok: so jungkook and i fucked
seokjin: yeah we know
namjoon: we heard you
hoseok: also we’re dating now
seokjin: congrats
namjoon: congrats
seokjin: yoongi say congrats
yoongi: congrats
hoseok: yoog u just gotta confess man
hoseok: its not as bad as u think it is
yoongi: he doesn’t like me back though
hoseok: no offense but you’re fuckin blind
namjoon: yoongi u know i am the most oblivious person and even i know that he likes you
seokjin: one time he had a dream about you
hoseok: WHAT
seokjin: i was checking my ig dms at like 2am bc i had a lot of unopened sponsor offers and he like… whisper moaned your name in his sleep
yoongi: enough please stop
yoongi: my heart hurts :(((
[groupchat: seven bros chillin in the hot tub]
namjoon: just want to let u guys know that we’re in the studio and yoongi is blushing right now and it’s super cute
yoongi: namjoon i will EAT UR KNEECAPS OFF
jungkook: you’re certainly short enough to do that hyung :)
seokjin: jungkook just now you earned my everlasting love and respect
seokjin: congratulations and i think this will be the start of a wonderful friendship
yoongi: jungkook you’re fired
jungkook: lmao okay hyung
taehyung: u know this gc name isn’t very inclusive of our household
[taehyung changed the chat name to a family can be seven grown men and a pomeranian]
jungkook: awww that’s so cute
hoseok: ur cute
jungkook: <3
seokjin: i just vomited in my mouth
yoongi: it’s cute tae
taehyung: thank you yoongi hyung <3
[chat: old bois]
seokjin: A HEART
yoongi: STOP
hoseok: tae likes u hyung
yoongi: well i cant do anything
yoongi: im too scared ldjfglfjkg
seokjin: okay pwussy boi
hoseok: and i bet he’s saying the same thing to thing 1 and thing 2 right now
hoseok: jungkook is thing 1 because he’s 1st in my heart
seokjin: exactly how disgustingly in love are you going to get hoseok
hoseok: idk hyung exactly how many dumplings can u fit in ur big ass mouth
seokjin: okay we GET it the number is a lot no need to bully my mouth :(
[chat: a family can be seven grown men and a pomeranian]
namjoon: friendly reminder that my birthday is in ten days
namjoon: i accept cash, check, or credit
namjoon: also my venmo is kimnam_joon
seokjin: [very obvious fake pornstar voice] b-but i don’t have any money
jimin: MOOD
hoseok: haha ANYWAY
taehyung: i have the perfect present for you hyung!!!
taehyung: jin-hyung and i are drawing up the plans to this thing, yoongi-hyung said he could build it for us
jimin: you’re not building an automatic spoon that will catapult things into your mouth for you
jimin: it’s useless
taehyung: oh but it isn’t!! necessity is the mother of invention jimbles
taehyung: and that’s not even what we’re building so
namjoon: how come he can call you jimbles and i can’t
jimin: he’s my soulmate
taehyung: yeah suck it hyung
namjoon: but it’s almost my birthday… :(
seokjin: jimin you fuckign IDIOT u made him sad
jimin: taetae…
taehyung: jimin… you wouldn’t…
jimin: you can call me jimbles namjoonie-hyung
jimin: just for this week
taehyung: i’ve been betrayed
taehyung: by my own soulmate
taehyung: OH THE MISERYYYYY
yoongi: taehyung just took a swan dive into the beanbag chair and now he’s obnoxiously fake crying
yoongi: great job jimbles
taehyung: NOT YOU TOO HYUNG!!!!!
hoseok: the beanbag chair… in your room?
yoongi: no the fucking beanbag chair on the top of your car
yoongi: yes the one in my room
jungkook: interesting
namjoon: very interesting
yoongi: u know what else is interesting? my foot
yoongi: up ur ass
jungkook: oh i thought you were about to confess to having a foot fetish
seokjin: why so defensive yoongichi :)
yoongi: im NOT defensive shut up seokjin
hoseok: no hyung?? whew yoongi really throwing the towel in early on life
jimin: you know who else has a foot fetish here? :)
[private chat: park jimin and kim taehyung]
taehyung: park jimin i swear to GOD if you don’t shut up i will have yeontan shit in your bed
jimin: jesus christ okay i won’t
jimin: you could at least show a little gratitude to your wingman i’m trying to get yoongi to hook up with u
taehyung: well telling yoongi that i think his little toesies are cute wont get me ANYWHERE
jimin: don’t ever EVER say the word toesies again to me and i will consider keeping my mouth shut
taehyung: FINE
[chat: a family can be seven grown men and a pomeranian]
seokjin: well dont leave us hanging jimin
jimin: uh it was an open ended question for the audience
jimin: i dont know a thing and even if i did i would keep my mouth shut
jimin: snitches get stiches haha
jungkook: thats sus but okay
[chat: old bois wouldn’t let us in so we’re young bois]
taehyung: i’m gonna do it
taehyung: i’m gonna flirt with yoongi hyung
jungkook: have u…. not been doing that?
jungkook: pretty sure sitting in his lap and giggling and fluttering your eyelashes like an anime school girl counts as flirting
taehyung: jungkook shut up
jimin: good luck taetae!!!
[chat: a family can be seven grown men and a pomeranian]
taehyung: [image attached]
taehyung: is this cute enough to send to a special someone?
namjoon: i’d wolf whistle you on the street if not for my overwhelming respect for you, and also women everywhere who might hear the sound and think i’m whistling at them
jungkook: thats cute
jungkook: who are you sending it to
taehyung: oh just a cute boy!!!
[chat: old bois]
yoongi: .
hoseok: yoongi first loss
hoseok: i’m sorry hyung :(
yoongi: who is this special someone :(
seokjin: im gonna find him and beat his ass for you don’t worry
yoongi: no no don’t do that
yoongi: if taehyung is happy then im happy
yoongi: i guess :(
namjoon: :(
[chat: old bois wouldn’t let us in so we’re young bois]
jimin: are you thirst trapping hyung
jimin: IN OUR GROUP CHAT
jimin: taetae you slimy slimy bitch this is so clever
jungkook: ok but i don’t think you guys realize how oblivious yoongi hyung is
jungkook: hyung, he’s gonna think you’re talking about someone else being your special someone
jimin: jungkook is right
jimin: send it directly to him, maybe he’ll get the message
taehyung: okay
taehyung: wish me luck gays its finally happening after months of me pining and whining
taehyung: omg that rhymes.... my mind
[private chat: min yoongi and kim taehyung]
taehyung: [image attached]
taehyung: what do you think of this one?
yoongi: i think you meant to send that to the groupchat
taehyung: no i didn’t :)
yoongi: oh
yoongi: well it looks cute
yoongi: send it to your special someone
taehyung: i already did
yoongi: oh
yoongi: what did they say
taehyung: u said it looked cute
yoongi: yeah i know i did but what did THEY say
taehyung: hyung are you serious
[chat: old bois]
yoongi: [image attached]
yoongi: what does this mean
namjoon: .
seokjin: yoongichi you stupid STUPID man
hoseok: HE LIKES U
yoongi: idk….
seokjin: at this point if you’re this blind you’re on your own
namjoon: for once in my life i agree with seokjin
namjoon: what a historic day
seokjin: namjoon :) don’t pull the attitude
namjoon: yes sir
hoseok: wtf did i just witness
[private chat: min yoongi and kim taehyung]
yoongi: its a good picture taehyung
taehyung: thank??? you?????
[chat: old bois wouldn’t let us in so we’re young bois]
taehyung: [image attached]
taehyung: so that’s???? it????????
jimin: hyung is stupid as fuck
jimin: im going upstairs to yell at him
taehyung: jimin dont do that
jimin: taehyung hes STUPID he needs a push
taehyung: just let him be he’ll figure it out eventually
[private chat: min yoongi and kim taehyung]
yoongi: hey can you come to my room
yoongi: it’s important
taehyung: yeah i’ll come
taehyung: i’m on my way home right now
taehyung: why tho
yoongi: tae we need to talk
[chat: old bois wouldn’t let us in so we’re young bois]
taehyung: [image attached]
taehyung: oh my god he knows about my crush and it took him FOUR HOURS to figure it out
taehyung: he’s GONNA ASK ME TO MOVE OUT AND ILL BE FORCED TO BECOME A VRIGIN HERMIT
jungkook: virgin*
jimin: taehyung stfu
jimin: he’s probably gonna confess his love to you
taehyung: nooo o noo im nervous
jimin: ik baby :((
jimin: it’ll be fine
jimin: and if its not fine u can come sleep in my room tonight and we’ll eat ice cream and make creepy noises to make hoseok cry
jungkook: ill beat him up for u if he’s mean to u hyung
jungkook: also pls don’t make my bf cry :(
taehyung: i love u guys
taehyung: ok im on my way up to his room
taehyung: might commit seppuku by hurling myself over the stairs we’ll see
jimin: please don’t do that
jungkook: live by the blade die by the blade that’s what my grandpa always said
taehyung: im outside his door
taehyung: ok bye guess i’ll die now
jungkook: u got this!!!
jimin: good luck taetae!!!
taehyung: wait did ur grandpa really say that
[chat: old bois]
yoongi: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hoseok: are you okay omg
namjoon: i don’t think i’ve ever seen hyung use that many exclamation points ever
seokjin: yoongi???
[chat: a family can be seven grown men and a pomeranian]
seokjin: i cant even speak irl im so stunned
seokjin: so
seokjin: house meeting right now in this group chat
namjoon: omg what happened
namjoon: are you okay???
seokjin: no namjoon i am NOT okay thank you for asking
seokjin: i just
seokjin: WALKED IN
seokjin: on yoongi and taehyung
seokjin: HAVING SEX
seokjin: IN MY ROOM
yoongi: there was a sock on the door
seokjin: OH COME ON YOONGI
seokjin: YOU KNOW TAEHYUNG DOESN’T DO HIS LAUNDRY
seokjin: i just assumed that it was a dirty sock he wanted me to wash
jimin: a sock on the doorknob is universal lingo for ‘don’t come in’
jimin: hyung did you not know that
seokjin: of course i know that i’m not a fucking grandfather
seokjin: i just didn’t expect to walk in on my best friend fucking my roommate!!!!
yoongi: okay calm down
yoongi: we weren’t fucking
seokjin: I WOULD SAY THREE FINGERS UP TAEHYUNG’S ASS QUALIFIES AS FUCKING YOONGI
taehyung: relax hyung
taehyung: his dick was still in his pants
seokjin: taehyung shut up
hoseok: i think you’re exaggerating a little, hyung
hoseok: i mean, how bad could it have been?
seokjin: you don’t know the things i’ve seen, hoseok
seokjin: i saw taehyung’s asshole
seokjin: his bare asshole
seokjin: it fluttered right in front of me
seokjin: i want to pour bleach directly into my eyes
taehyung: hey, my asshole is nice!
taehyung: i wax and everything!!!!
jungkook: tmi but also… interesting
hoseok: noted
jungkook: ;)
seokjin: anygays,
seokjin: i’ve gathered you all here to publicly shame these two, who are committing the crime of wedlock
yoongi: so homosexuality is okay but sex before marriage isn’t?
yoongi: what religion is this, exactly?
jimin: the church of seokjin
jimin: we worship on wednesday nights
namjoon: amen
seokjin: i acknowledge that i am god
seokjin: but that is not the point of this
seokjin: now that we know these two are boinking, we have to set ground rules for what’s okay and what isn’t
hoseok: haha you said boinking
namjoon: commandments time, right, every church needs that
namjoon: can you get me some of your fancy ass paper so I can transcribe it for you, seokjin-hyung?
seokjin: namjoon if you even THINK about touching my stationary set you will literally never recover from the ass beating I give you
yoongi: that sounds vaguely sexual
yoongi: i don’t like it
jimin: mmmm well i do
jimin: please continue
seokjin: anyone have any rules they just want to throw out there first
yoongi: i think it’s funny that you didn’t do this for hoseok and jungkook but now you’re doing it to us
seokjin: well i didn’t have to see either of their fingers in each other’s asshole now did i??
yoongi: seems like homophobia to me
hoseok: we are also???? two gay men???? how is that homophobia lmao
yoongi: its the premise hoseok
jimin: omg for the love of GOD don’t fuck on the couch
jimin: it’s SO expensive
jimin: and cum ruins leather
jimin: this knowledge is from first-hand experience please believe me
namjoon: the audience wants to hear details
hoseok: no the FUCK the audience does not
jungkook: no fucking in the studio either please
jungkook: my poor virgin eyes couldn’t handle the pain
yoongi: i’m not going to fuck in a public place who tf do you think i am
jungkook: it’s not you i’m worried about hyung
taehyung: i feel attacked
taehyung: but also…. yeah
yoongi: .
jimin: so are we going to gloss over the part where jungkook just said he was a virgin
jungkook: i didn’t say that
jungkook: i said my eyes were virgin
namjoon: sureeee
hoseok: did you guys forget the part where you heard us fucking last month?
hoseok: we had to resort to gags so you guys wouldn’t have to suffer anymore
hoseok: you’re welcome by the way :)
jimin: what the FUCK
yoongi: i am now Extremely Uncomfortable
seokjin: can you guys stop and focus on the REAL problem at hand now
namjoon: which is what exactly
seokjin: we are making room changes
seokjin: taehyung, you are now permanently sexiled from my room
taehyung: can you even sexile people if you’re not the one having sex?
jungkook: ROAST ROAST ROAST
seokjin: jungkook you’re being real loud for someone who’s about to have to move all his stuff :)
jungkook: fuck
seokjin: you’re the newest and i’m certainly not moving so it’s gonna have to be you
jungkook: that’s fair
jungkook: i’m assuming that taehyung is going to be moved to yoongi-hyung’s room and i’d rather stay away from that
[private chat: we be hoes]
taehyung: i’m about to rock ur world
hoseok: omg what
jimin: taehyung… my bro… what doth thou mean
taehyung: just watch
[chat: a family can be seven grown men and a pomeranian]
taehyung: you know…
taehyung: nevermind
seokjin: what is it
taehyung: well you know… your room is right next to yoongi-hyung’s…
seokjin: and?
taehyung: and if i move into there we’ll probably be making a lot of noise :)
hoseok: GAG
taehyung: you’d be so inconvenienced, seokjin-hyung
seokjin: fuck this is like the worst day of my life
seokjin: let me think
yoongi: please be careful that’s dangerous for you
seokjin: yoongi stfu
seokjin: taehyung, you’re right
seokjin: jungkook, you can stay put. yoongi, move into my room with taehyung, hoseok you move into yoongi’s room with jungkook, and i’ll move in with jimin and namjoon
jimin: seokjin-hyung you GENIUS
jimin: of course u can move in with us <3
hoseok: i’m super cool with that
jungkook: yeah this is actually…. uh… very convenient
[private chat: we be hoes]
hoseok: KIM TAEHYUNG YOU FUCKING MASTERMIND
jimin: LET US WORSHIP THE GROUND U WALK ON
taehyung: all i had to do was plant the idea in hyung’s head
taehyung: now go forth, my brothers, and get thy dick
jimin: <3
hoseok: <3
[chat: a family can be seven grown men and a pomeranian]
seokjin: so that all sounds good?
namjoon: yeah
yoongi: and i suppose i don’t have a say in this?
seokjin: that’s absolute correct, yoongi! you don’t!
seokjin: now go wash your hands clean of your sin
yoongi: oh shut up
yoongi: like you don’t jack it to chris hemsworth every other night
yoongi: i can hear you moaning to thor compilation #6 on youtube through the walls
yoongi: ohhhh chris wahhhhhhhhh
jungkook: oh god my still virgin ears
seokjin: EXCUSE ME
seokjin: i do NOT
jimin: ohhhhh shit
namjoon: hemsworth? really?
namjoon: thought you’d be a pratt man tbh
seokjin: namjoon don’t ever insult my taste like that again
namjoon: i’m more of a pine guy myself
jimin: and i like evans, how odd
hoseok: and i like when you guys take your weird mating ritual into your own private group chat
jimin: hobi-hyung :) i have way too much knowledge of your secrets for you to be doing this right now :)
hoseok: you know i’m more of a chris rock guy
taehyung: so you’re all okay with this?
jungkook: yeah
jungkook: you guys were fine when hyung and i got together so why wouldn’t we be the same with you two?
jimin: just don’t send your nudes to the group chat and i think we’ll be fine
seokjin: oh you’re one to talk jimin
jungkook: ???
seokjin: i’ll never forget about the time you accidentally sent me nudes
namjoon: i’m sorry WHAT
jimin: oh my GOD
jimin: i typed in kim and you came up first instead of taehyung!!!!
jimin: i’ve apologized like fifteen times!!!
jimin: what more do you want from me!!!
namjoon: wait
namjoon: jimin why were you sending nudes to taehyung
yoongi: yeah
yoongi: why were you sending nudes to MY boyfriend
jimin: ok first of all it was like a year ago, before you two even started liking each other so chill out
jimin: second, i needed an opinion on whether my ass looked good in the lighting
namjoon: your ass looks good literally all the time why do you need an opinion on that
seokjin: ^^^
hoseok: …^^^
jimin: omg
jimin: i mean keep the praise coming
jimin: but taehyung is a model so he knows about that kind of stuff
namjoon: so what did he say
taehyung: A+++++ for sure
taehyung: you’ve passed the class jimbles
namjoon: i knew it
namjoon: i mean… oh cool
seokjin: they wereeee pretty good nudes
seokjin: nice pose
seokjin: very artistic
yoongi: disgosting
jungkook: how do u know that meme old man
yoongi: you’re fired
yoongi: and also you’re being kicked out of this house
yoongi: goodbye jungkook
seokjin: yeah good fucking riddance
taehyung: hes just a babie yoongi dont be mean to him
jimin: no hyung??
jimin: taehyung really has yoongi hyung whipped huh
taehyung: no need to call him hyung now when i can call him daddy in bed :)
hoseok: OH MY FUCKING GOD
seokjin: brb gotta BLEACH my eyes even MORE
jungkook: somehow i knew taehyung would have weird kinks
jimin: this isn’t new information?? why are you guys so bothered lmao
taehyung: jimin my knight in shining armor <3
namjoon: okay but in all serious are you guys good now
namjoon: i’ve honestly had enough of having to listen to yoongi pout and whine about taehyung all the time
jimin: weird we had to listen to the same thing
namjoon: one time we were drunk and yoongi had writer’s block and he talked about how he wanted to kiss every single one of taehyung’s individual moles for like 40 minutes straight
yoongi: NAMJOON SHUT UP
yoongi: IF U KEEP IT UP IM GONNA EAT U
taehyung: so you’re into vore? that’s pretty cool i’m down for that
[seokjin has left the chat]
hoseok: i can hear seokjin screaming from all the way down the hall
jimin: namjoon just passed out
jimin: like straight up fainted
yoongi: weaklings
yoongi: if u dont let ur boyfriend gnaw on you are you really his boyfriend
hoseok: yes
jimin: yes
jungkook: yes
taehyung: awww hyung <3 <3 <3 <3
yoongi: someone add king idiot back i want him to suffer
jimin: i’m telling him that u called him that
yoongi: and what about it?
yoongi: anything he does to me, i have a hot boyfriend to cuddle me and comfort me
taehyung: :)))))
[jimin added seokjin to the chat]
jungkook: welcome back hyung
seokjin: thank u i had to clear my head but its nice to be back
hoseok: you missed a lot
taehyung: [image attached]
taehyung: oh noooooo
taehyung: looks like i “““““accidentally””””” sent my nudes to the groupchat
taehyung: sorry guys
seokjin: OH COME ON