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“I really like your tattoos Castiel!” said the girl next to me, with a chirp voice and a bright smile. What was her name… Mary? Kelly? Damn… I didn’t remember. The music at the Snake Room was loud and I could barely hear anyone else talking in my booth.
I should have stayed at home… I was writing a new song, but… I didn’t know, everything sounded shallow and couldn’t quite figure it out. It was slowly driving me crazy. My bandmates had insisted to go out tonight, saying that I needed inspiration and I had been locked in my apartment long enough. They were exaggerating, it had just been a few days. And a week ago we had been right here celebrating our new music video.
Still, I indulged them. It was important for our band to stick together. I had had my fair share of failed music projects due to bandmates leaving to do their own thing.
“I particularly like this wing here on your arm” she continued, trying timidly to touch my tattoo. I moved my arm before she could, not liking to be touched by strangers. At least unless I was the one initiating it.
“Does it mean anything?” Of course it did, but I wasn’t going to tell someone I had just met. My mind went back to that person again, who had inspired that particular tattoo. We hadn’t parted in the friendliest way. I didn’t understand his decision at the time, and I still thought it was crazy, but I may have reacted differently if he hadn’t decided to go back to his damn farm right when she had just left. I was a mess at the time, he knew it, still… he had walked away too, thinking only about himself. Like her, like my goddamn parents… like everyone else in my life. Luckily, I had learnt my lesson, caring is for idiots.
“Would you like to dance?” she said realising I wasn’t going to answer her question. This, however, was even worse. I hated dancing. I was hoping for a quiet night, just chatting with my bandmates, sitting in the darkest corner of the bar, unnoticed. I had to know it wasn’t going to last. A bunch of girls had spotted us not even 10 minutes after we had gotten here. The guys, of course, had invited them to join our table. This was the one aspect of my career and newfound fame I really couldn’t stand. Lack of privacy and freedom. Sometimes I wondered if it was worth it.
“No, thank you.” I replied, turning my head a little to drop the conversation. I was scanning the dancefloor just to keep busy when I saw her.
Right there in front of me, in the middle of the crowd, which like magic had parted giving me clear view. Her long, soft legs in plain sight thanks to the short dress she was wearing. I instantly remembered how those same legs had felt wrapped around me, while I was kissing and licking from her knee, along her inner thigh, towards her lips. Her moans while I brought her right to the peak of pleasure. I got hard just thinking about it.
I focused on the present… God she was sexy. Her round hips swinging at the rhythm of the music, that now sounded 10 times more sensual to my ears. Her long hair framing her face, down to her naked shoulders and back, almost reaching her small waist.
I stayed there, looking at her in the dark, like a perv. I couldn’t keep my eyes away, she was just so fucking beautiful. She had always been, since the first moment I had met her so many years ago. But she was also selfish and immature. I had never loved anyone so deeply and she had fucking left me. Tossing me away like yesterday’s leftovers.
When I saw her in the crowd at my concert, just a few months ago, I was dumbstruck, to the point of almost completely messing up the song I was playing. It felt like a switch had turned on in my chest the moment I had laid eyes on her. For five foolish seconds I almost thought she had come back for me. Of course she hadn’t. I tightened my fists at the memory. Thank God I didn’t care anymore.
While I was mentally debating about staying there and enjoying the view a little longer or just go home before doing something very stupid, someone grabbed her hips from behind. I instantly tensed. A guy I had never seen before was at her back, hands on her hips, rubbing himself all over her. I was two seconds away from jumping in there to punch him in the face when I saw her leaning her head against his chest, smiling.
What. The. Fuck.
Was she with him? Really? That guy? I was seething. I turned away before I really ended up doing something incredibly stupid, but of completely different nature compared to what I was contemplating just a minute before. I wanted to kill him. How did he dare to touch her? She wasn’t his! She was…
Despite myself, I turned my head again and froze when I couldn’t spot her any longer on the dance floor. Where the hell had she gone? I found the creep at the bar, ordering drinks, so she must have gone to the restroom. I got up and made my way there, barely registering people at my table calling my name. I couldn’t care less, I made an elusive gesture and left.
Some part of me, the one percent that was still rational, knew that waiting for her outside the ladies’ room wasn’t exactly a great idea. However, the remaining 99% was in charge, and didn’t care how stalkerish it looked. Especially so when she finally stepped outside.
I grabbed her by the elbow and pushed her against the wall, in the dark corner behind the restrooms. The space was so small that we were tightly pressed against each other. I put my hands at the sides of her head, caging her, and stared down at her face.
“Castiel!” she yelped when she realised it was me.
“Hi Candy” I said calmly, coldly, successfully hiding my turmoil. “How are you?”
“Fine… and you?” she asked uncertain. I knew I was making her nervous, and that was exactly what I wanted. It was only fair, she was driving me crazy.
“Very good now” I said, scanning her from head to toe. “Wanna come home with me?”
That seemed to wake her from her stupor. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me, let’s bounce. Nothing interesting is going on here tonight.” I smirked like a real asshole “I bet we can find something fun to do at my place.”
“So…” she said, her voice shaking with anger “we sleep together, after you make it very clear that was supposed to be a one time deal. I don’t hear from you the whole week, then as soon as I run into you, you decide you are in the mood to have sex again? What am I, your booty call now?”
“Please” I reply dismissively “we are friends, you know it. We don’t have to label things.”
That seemed to be the wrong answer, she just looked at me with rage and said “Goodnight Castiel” and made to leave. I didn’t allow her though, keeping her trapped between my arms, pressed against the wall.
“Is it because of that creep you were rubbing yourself against?” I asked with venom in my voice “Nice little show by the way, are you going to fuck him? You weren’t far from it back there.”
She just stared at me, shocked. I had literally managed to shut her up. I took it as a good sign.
“You know I can do you better baby” I whispered, lowering my head, just an inch separating our lips. “Come home with me.”
A moment went by when I thought she would either kiss me or slap me, but she actually… laughed? She literally started laughing her but off. I took a step back and frowned.
“You are jealous!” she said, her eyes shining. “That’s why you are acting like such an asshole.”
Fuck.
“I mean, you are always an asshole, but that’s a whole new level.”
“Please…” I replied with fake nonchalance.
“No, you please.” She pushed against my chest until I was the one now leaning against the wall. “Play your little games with someone who doesn’t know you Castiel.” She said smirking, “You can’t fool me.”
Then she walked away, leaving me there like an idiot.
“Are you going to sleep with him?” I couldn’t stop asking before she got back to the main room.
She stopped and looked at me from over her shoulder. “Mmm… who knows? I mean… it’s nice to not make plans and see how the night goes, right? Your words. And anyway, it’s none of your business. I’m not your girlfriend, remember? Your words again.” She closed her eyes for a moment, when she opened them again her voice was calmer “Figure out what you want Castiel.”
And just like that, she left.
I stayed there, staring for a while at the spot where she had been. I didn’t know what to do. She wasn’t my girlfriend, she hadn’t been for a while. I didn’t care who or what she did, I had made it very clear.
Except… I did care… and it was fucking eating me.
I punched the wall and felt a jolt of pain through my arm. Idiot. Stupid idiot, you need those hands to play. That’s what happens when you start to feel. I had to leave, right now!
I held my hurt hand with the good one. What a clusterfuck of a night, I should have just stayed at home. Walking through the exit, I left the bar without sparing another glance at the main room. I felt like a dagger was piercing my chest at the thought of what was maybe going on in there.
Figure out what you want, she had said. Easy, right?
The hell it was… I hadn’t felt such a mess in years. Hell… I hadn’t felt so much in years. Numbness was easier, all these feelings were too much for me to handle. Nothing good could come from them.
Except, maybe one thing… Now I knew exactly how to write my song.