Chapter Text
August 2017
Before
He wouldn't look at her.
He's pacing all over the place, running his fingers through his hair, over and over and over again.
"I can't do this." He repeated it like a mantra, like the words were his lifeline.
“This clearly isn’t our fucking time.” Scott was sputtering out words, not thinking about the consequences behind them. Not thinking about how much they were hurting her. “What the fuck were we thinking. We can’t do this.” He stops his pacing to stare straight into the green eyes he once loved looking into. “I can’t do this anymore... not with you.”
His words are like daggers sinking into her skin, splinting and cutting towards irreparable damage. His expression grew darker as if determined to hurt her. Like it was his goal. The cold air of the locker room froze her skin along with his words.
“I’m wasting my fucking time with this. I can’t be on the ice anymore Tessa.” He’s angry, he’s furious for a reason she can’t yet place. “I’ve fallen out of love with it.” He’s pacing again, running his fingers through his hair like does when he can feel his anger building. “I can’t stand the fucking music or the pressure.” He stops, his chest rising quickly with every breath, and casts his eyes down, “I can’t stand the sport, Tessa.”
Tessa couldn’t process what was going on, what he was saying. But one message was clear.
He couldn’t stand her.
This wasn’t her Scott. This wasn’t the Scott she’s known for twenty years. This wasn’t her best friend. The person she’s been so intertwined with her entire life, she can’t remember life without him. She tries to frantically muster a response as a thousand questions scatter through her head.
“Scott just stop and tell me what’s wrong,” Desperation drips into her voice, “Please, just talk to me!” Tessa feels the ground slip from under her, her world tumbling and turning upside down in a matter of seconds.
“Tessa,” He breathes in, looking at her like she’s meant nothing to him, “Stop.”
Tessa’s anger builds in return. “No, I won’t stop Scott.” She spits out, frantic. “You’re telling me you want to end this? All of it? And you keep giving me bullshit excuses.” She feels every crack in her heart. She steps closer to him, determined to have him open up to her about what’s tearing him apart. “Please Scott, not you too.” Everyone is leaving her, for reasons she has yet to understand.
She had no one left but him. But he's slipping from her fingers and she's glued to the ground.
Her words turn to broken whispers, “I don’t know who I am without you.” Tessa’s body shakes frantically as the tears fall and begin streaming down her face, her words stuttering. Her body feeling more and more frail every passing second. “Please don’t do this, we’ve worked so hard-”
“Stop Tessa.” He yells out, shocking her. His voice echoing across the empty, cold locker room. He steps closer. Making sure she hears what he’s about to say. “Maybe at one point in my life… you were everything to me. I did everything for you.” His own eyes show signs of tears but he quickly shakes them away. “Every second of work I put into this was to have you standing up on those fucking podiums because I knew how much it meant to you. But things are different now.” He turns away breathing heavily as he looks up, preparing himself for what was next.
Tessa backs away from him, preparing for the impact from his soul-shattering words. He knows her better she knows herself. That means he also knows how to hurt her.
He looks back at her, an unreadable expression on his face. “But it’s hard to be around you. I don't want to be around you anymore.” He shows no hint of sadness, only anger. “We go back and forth and we keep hurting each other. Tessa, we’re not fucking meant for each other and I need you to understand that. We can’t keep trying to convince ourselves that this was gonna last forever. Don't you get that? I can’t have you and all of this in my life anymore. I’ve given you twenty fucking years of my life.” He shakes his head, shifting his eyes up and down her heartbroken face. “The Olympics aren’t happening for me, not this time. I’m done training and I’m done with all of this, I’m trying to move on.” His jaw clenches as he looks down at her. The pain on her face having no effect on his demeanor. “Find another partner or don’t, I don't care anymore. I’m done.”
Her mind goes blank. She wasn’t quite sure if she was still crying or what emotion was displayed on her face. She didn't know how her body still held the strength to keep her standing at that moment. His words breaking her more than he knew, or maybe he did. This is what he wanted. To break her enough she ran from him and left what they had behind. She never thought she’d have to ask. Her next question has already been answered, but she still lacked the resolve to walk away. She needed to know for certain he knew exactly what he was asking of her before they both walked away from twenty years of what was once the most important relationship of their lives. Her question came as a broken whisper.
“Do you still want to skate with me.”
He stands there watching her as his silence says it all. No. No verbal confirmation is needed then. No physical cue. After everything they had been through, he didn't have the decency to hide the blank expression on his face, as if she meant nothing to him anymore. As if their history was erased and of no importance to him. Scott’s hesitation sealed their fate and shattered her heart all at once. A small piece of her heart hoped Scott still wished to hold her hand on the ice for the rest of their lives. She had hoped she meant as much to him as he does for her. Her eyes swell with tears but she won’t give him the satisfaction of watching them fall down her face. Her throat feels tight and the pain of holding back her sobs burns her from the inside out.
She’d never felt so pathetic in her life.
She’d always believed she was a strong individual, one who wouldn't crack under the pressure of her sport and the constant judgment and detrimental comments from those around her. Yet, at this very moment, the one person she couldn't remember her life without, the one person who she believed would walk hand in hand with her for the rest of her life, shattered whatever little spirit she had left. He never fucking loved her. She meant nothing to him anymore, and the pain from the realization caused her to stagger backward away from him and whatever other pain he was planning on inflicting.
By some miracle, Tessa gathers what little strength still resides within her as she makes contact with the hazel eyes she once felt so comfortable looking into.
“I know you better than I know myself. I know you enough to realize you’ll learn you made a mistake…and when you come to that realization… don’t come looking for me.”
It hurt to speak, she wasn’t even sure if he’d heard her from how raspy and low it had come out, but the small twitch around his eye indicated he had. She stood there watching him as he watched her. Taking in what she knew were the last moments of ever being around him. She’d never look into his eyes again. The eyes she looked forward to seeing every minute of every day. The hazel in his eyes that once felt like a warm embrace protecting her from harm now provided her with a sharp pain behind her eyes. It was like staring at the sun, the longer she looked the more damage it would do. Tessa finally looks away. She believed that whatever love he once had for her had now dissipated into the locker rooms harsh cold air. She wills her body to move past his and leave him behind, just as he had been doing the last few months. He didn’t try stopping her, never even turned back around to watch her leave the room.
Tessa was the first to walk away, but he had forced her to do it.
She walked past the ice, past the entrance to the arena she knew she’d never come back to. The air was heavy and her lungs felt like they weren’t getting the oxygen they needed. Her breathing was shallow as she forced her body towards an escape. She wanted nothing more than to get as far away from him, from everyone and everything. Her pace picked up as she ran across the parking lot towards her car and ripped out from the place. She was alone and empty. She felt pathetic and broken. Her mind felt blank but the tears streaming down her face proved otherwise.
She didn’t bother looking back, there was nothing left there for her.