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Logan's favorite piece of music has no lyrics. He has the whole thing memorized, and whenever he is feeling particularly lost in the vast universe (this often happens late at night) , he will sit at the piano and perform his favorite song. Bar by bar, he will count and listen, as four minutes and thirty-three seconds tick by, slowly, and the world around him plays him a song. He listens as the house creaks and settles, and he listens as the clock ticks from its place, mounted on the wall. Sometimes, he performs the piece outside or with the window open, so he can enjoy the song that the trees and frogs and plants and owls have to offer.
Logan's favorite piece of music is often referred to as Four Minutes, Thirty-Three Seconds of Silence, but Logan is no fool, and he knows the truth. There is no silence here, on this Earth, this floating orb of rock that is hurtling at breakneck speeds through empty space. Every time Logan performs his piece, it sounds different, and he listens carefully, to the chaotic nature of the Universe, and to the unpredictable sounds of Life Itself. When he can't sleep, late into the night, because the world around him is being just as loud as his own mind (there's too much to do, too much to say) , he performs his song. It calms him, to know that no matter how lonely he gets, he is never truly alone.
Logan enjoys silence. He enjoys those moments when the world falls to quiet peace, but even more than that, Logan loves noise. He is fascinated by the concepts of noise and sound and spends his time listening to the constant motion of the world around him, and reveling in the beauty of how nothing ever stops changing. No two moments are the same.
It is a comfort to Logan, that he will never be who he was a minute ago, and he works hard to make each moment of his life new and better, with more knowledge, a bit more understanding of everything around him.
Logan is very lonely.
He tries to ignore it, tries his hardest to find joy and happiness in his quiet little world, and tries to find comfort in the company of only himself. Still, the noise of the world inevitably breaks through his walls, and he is reminded of just how alone he is. When his brother brings home friends, he can do nothing but listen, as the vibrant sounds of laughter in the room next-door shatter his peace and echo against his walls. He can never ignore it.
It hurts, in a way that Logan still cannot understand- he has tried making friends before; he found it frustrating and exhausting, and he chose to be alone instead- it was better, more comfortable. It was easier to be alone. And still, he hated it. Still, he longed for the joy of friendship and companionship that everyone around him seemed to enjoy. So, when a boy approached him, with an invitation to join their group for a semester-long project, Logan found himself dangerously conflicted.
Logan's seen the two of them around school before; it's hard to not notice the vibrant duo that insists on using ASL and refuses to be sorry about it, but Logan has never spoken to them before. He doesn't even know a single word in ASL, and he would hardly know where to start if he wanted to learn. And anyway, it’s hardly a surprise that Logan never speaks to them, because he doesn’t ever speak to anyone if he can help it. Talking is hard and exhausting, and he’s always felt lost and adrift whenever he finds himself trapped in a conversation. So when the more energetic half of this particular duo plops down into the seat next to him, Logan has no idea what to do.
"Hi there!" The boy (was it Patton?) says cheerfully, hands moving in almost perfect synchronicity with his mouth. "I don't suppose you'd be interested in joining our group?" The offer is unexpected. Even being acknowledge by his classmates is rare for Logan, unless they want something from him, and Logan can feel discomfort welling up almost instantaneously. This boy with his fast-talking hands and vibrant energy- this boy is sitting next to him, grinning happily like they’ve been friends forever. Logan cannot even begin to imagine why the boy is inviting him to join their group. He does not want to believe that Patton is one of the cruel people; he’s always seemed so nice, but even if he is- well, the ones who befriend you out of pity are almost worse than the ones who do so out of cruelty. So, even though Logan’s heart wants to say yes, Logan curls into himself, shaking his head.
"No-" Logan says, voice as small as he feels. “ No thank you.” His words are carefully chosen, a mask to hide his insecurities. To avoid the shortfalls of his voice -no S's, no L's, no R's. Years of speech therapy, and he’s still not perfect. The lessons echo through his head, but even still he cannot seem to enunciate clearly, and he inevitably trips over his words the second he relaxes. He turns back towards his desk again and ignores the awkwardness pounding through his head. He’s sick of groups; sick of being surrounded by friends who want to talk and chat, and inevitably leave him sitting there on the fringe, doing all the work while they have fun. The pain of refusing echoes in his head, but it is easier than the pain of ending up trapped in a friendship he desperately wants but can’t really have. And so, Logan carefully ignores the hurt, surprised look on Patton's face, and is about to go back to reading his book, until the teacher appears beside them.
"Logan," the teacher begins. "Here I was, worried that I would have trouble getting you to join a group, but it seems that my concerns were misguided! And helping our deaf students- I'm sure with your help, they'll have no trouble at all!" Logan starts in surprise and begins to voice a protest- he’s going to work alone, he already has his entire project planned- anything to not be trapped in a group that barely wants him, but the teacher gives him a sharp smile, and Logan can do nothing but resign himself to his fate. Beside him, Patton lets out a choked giggle, and Logan turns to stare at him in confused realization as the teacher walks away.
"Wait, you’re deaf too?" He asks because that’s what the teacher had implied, but Logan had not been aware of this, and he flinches as his voice trips up on the r. Belatedly he wonders if his lips were even clear enough to read, feeling off-balance and terrified of doing the wrong thing, but Patton is quick to shake his head.
"No, I'm not deaf. But teachers don’t always realize. I sign so I must be deaf, y’know?" Patton's words are accompanied with a shrug that leaves Logan frowning and uncertain of how to respond until he catches movement in the corner of his eye and realizes that the other boy (Virgil, right?) has joined them, and is signing at a rapid pace. A pang of guilt (frustration too, ASL is just another thing he doesn’t understand) hits Logan, as he watches the words that he cannot understand.
"If he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to, Patton.” The spoken words confuse Logan for a moment until his brain registers that Patton must be interpreting Virgil’s words for him. For just a moment, the longing hits Logan again- how nice must it be to have a friend who you fit with so seamlessly, but then Logan remembers that this is the part of the conversation where he should probably respond -or has it been too long now, and he’s made it awkward with his silence?
"Unfortunately, our teacher doesn’t share that opinion.” Logan blurts out quickly before he can make things any more awkward. “So it appears that we will be working together on this project.” Virgil raises an eyebrow at him, and Logan’s glance flits nervously between the two, feeling very much like an object that’s been put on display.
Logan barely even remembers the conversation that follows, though, at some point, he agrees to meet up with them after school every Wednesday, so they can get to work on planning their project.
He comes to their first meeting, feeling very much like his head is about to explode from sheer nervousness. He greets them and sits down, watching Patton’s hands move- the motions all seem to flow together, a constant, unbroken stream of conversation, and Logan wonders how Virgil can tell where Patton’s words end and Logan’s begin. He is caught off guard when Patton immediately asks him how his day was and finds himself stumbling over an answer. Five minutes later, he realizes he’s devolved into a rant about how boring his chemistry class is, and he cuts himself off abruptly.
“I’m sorry,” he says, fighting to keep his hands still. “You were just asking to be polite, and I just ran off with it, and-”
“It’s no problem! Patton is quick to reassure him. “I think we’ll all benefit from getting to know each other a bit better before we start trying to complete this project!” Beside him, Virgil nods, and Logan isn’t about to argue with them, but he carefully turns the question on its head, asking about Patton and Virgil’s days, so he doesn’t start ranting at them again. After all, no matter what Patton says , he knows that people are prone to saying things they don’t mean, because of politeness.
“Oh, well, I drew a picture of a cat today, in Government! Look!” And then, Patton’s pulling a notebook out of his backpack and flipping it open to reveal a goofy drawing of a cat. It’s not very good- better than a kindergartener would do, but Logan keeps his mouth shut before he can say anything mean, and listens as Virgil offers a half-hearted compliment.
“It definitely looks like a cat.” Patton translates with a laugh. “I know, it’s not great, but hey! It was a lot more interesting than listening to the teacher drone on about checks and balances for fifty minutes. I mean, honestly Virgil, you’re lucky you’re deaf- our teacher’s voice is like- like listening to a handful of bees try and teach about the court system! It’s awful.”
The next two weeks pass by, and Logan’s life has never felt more like a rollercoaster. Patton is so friendly and energetic, and even when Logan’s looking for it, he can’t find a hint of a notion that he’s not wanted there. Even Virgil, who can’t directly talk to, seems to not really mind his presence, and their every interaction leaves Logan feeling like he’s teetering above a really large drop, waiting to start falling. Somewhere along the way, Virgil and Patton start appearing at his lunch table, and even when he doesn’t have the energy to join in the conversation, Patton continues on translating for him.
He finds himself lying awake at night even more than usual, analyzing everything he’s said, and wincing at the awkward moments where he’d spoken over either Patton or Virgil- he’s bad enough at conversations when everyone’s using the same language, and it’s only made worse by the confusion of getting used to Virgil and Patton’s use of sign language. And yet, neither of them have complained about his behavior yet, and he is left, every day, feeling very confused. They hadn’t said anything when he’d ranted at them for ten minutes about the importance of the cultural connotation of specific adjectives, and nobody had gotten mad when Logan had corrected Patton’s pronunciation of the word sherbet.
That’s why Logan found himself curled up on his bed with his laptop, at five in the morning, carefully practicing the same hand movements over and over, hoping, against all odds, that he can manage to do this one thing perfectly.
“Hello Virgil, how was your weekend?” Logan carefully forms the words of his very first sentence in ASL. The movements feel strange in his hands, and he ignores the part of him that worries that he’ll fuck the whole the thing up. Instead, Logan shakes his hands out and tries again, because he needs to do this. Because he wants to do this. He wants to be a part of their comfortable friendship and he’s not sure he knows how to take the first step towards being their friends, but learning one sentence in a new language? Learning is the one thing he’s good at, so with another shake of his hands, he keeps practicing.
By the time he makes it to school, Logan is a nervous wreck, and the anticipation (and fear) of what he’s going to do makes it completely impossible to pay attention through all of his first and second periods. He’ll figure out what he missed later. For now, he has a mission.
Logan makes his way to his English class, determined and pretending he doesn’t notice the dread building in his stomach. The desire to be these boys’ friends echoes across his whole body, and he struggles to still his trembling and takes a seat. Virgil and Patton walk through the door a moment later. Patton’s hands are moving in huge, excited motions, as tells Virgil about- something. Logan chokes down the sudden lurch of terror and focuses on how much he wants to be a part of- that . He wants to be able to join in on the conversations- to not be an awkward addition who needs everything translated for him, while Patton and Virgil communicate so easily.
And so, Logan smiles and nods at them, as they take their seats, and when Virgil says hello with a wave of the hand, he carefully forms the words he’s been learning.
“Hi, Virgil. How was your weekend?” It takes only a few moments to say it, and Logan cringes as he feels the whole world stop around him. Virgil is staring, and- oh god, Patton is too, and slowly the fear starts to seep back in. What if the website he had used was wrong? It’s a thought that hadn’t even occurred to him until this moment, but all of a sudden it seems very possible, and Logan can barely breathe.
Then, Virgil snorts and Logan flinches, before Virgil’s hands lift, and then Virgil is saying something and Logan can’t understand it, and Patton isn’t telling him what Virgil just said. Virgil seems to realize belatedly that Patton isn’t interpreting for him, and closes his eyes in frustration, before reaching over and waving his hand in front of Patton’s face. It takes Patton a moment to start moving again, and then Virgil signs the same sentence again, for Patton to translate.
“I’m good, what about you?” Relief floods through Logan, because he may not have been perfect, but he was at least understandable, which is- not exactly ideal, but it’s definitely enough.
“Alright, I guess. Sorry but that’s the only sentence I know so far.” Logan smiles, and the words so far hang like a promise between them.
“Oh my gosh that’s what we should do for our project!” The exclamation rings loudly beside them and Logan and Virgil both flinch as Patton’s energy suddenly returns. “I mean- that was so cool, and your signing was almost perfect, Logan, wow; how long have you been practicing that- but we should do our English project on ASL!” Logan glances between the two, as Virgil stares at his friend.
“I mean, I guess we could?” Virgil slowly offers, and Logan is incredibly grateful when Patton translates for him because Logan has definitely reached the limits of what ASL he’s managed to figure out so far. “Although it’s technically not English, so is that allowed?”
“I mean, I doubt our teacher knows that,” Patton says, “but anyways, what if we made our project about the grammatical differences between ASL and English?”
“I don’t want you guys to have to do all the- all the work, though,” Logan mumbles wincing as his stutter makes itself known.
“Well, you can be our English expert!” Patton responds happily. “I don’t think me or Virgil know all that much about the grammar rules of English, after all.”
“It’s I.” Logan corrects.
“What?”
“I don’t think either Virgil or I know all that- all that much about the grammatical rules of English.” He explains, cringing at every word as his brain supplies a reminder that correcting people is rude . It’s too late to stop now.
“See?! You’ll be our English expert! Plus, it’ll give us an excellent excuse to teach you ASL, won’t it?” Patton leans over, grinning as he pats Logan’s shoulder.
“It- it will?”
“I mean, if you want us to teach you, that is? I just figured, ‘cause you’d been teaching yourself...” Patton trails off.
“I- uh, if you- if you’re willing to spend the time teaching me, I’d love to learn! I just- I wasn’t really sure where to start, or how to- to find out.” Logan glances over at Patton, who’s actually bouncing in his seat with excitement, and Virgil, who’s normally irritated look is twitching with what almost looks like the beginning of a smile.
“Great,” Virgil says, “then we’ll check with the teacher, and if she okays it, then we can get started whenever.” Logan nods in agreement because he’s certainly not going to refuse the help- ASL is the first thing that Logan’s ever been scared to try and learn. It’s just so different and Logan’s never even learned a speaking language on his own, so he has no idea how he would ever manage. But with Patton and Virgil guiding him, it just might be doable.