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“You’re not alone.”
Finn didn’t hear much else that Ms. Pillsbury said, although she kept talking and talking. It was all white noise, like when Rachel started chattering about show choir rules and current events in theatre and stuff. It was that one phrase that stuck with him.
Because he did feel like he was floating around in space. He did feel like he was alone.
When Finn chose to sing “Losing my Religion,” he was realizing, in a moment of chagrin (although he didn’t know that word), that he had spent the entire week obsessing over a damn sandwich and pretending as hard as he could that the man he’d begun to look at as a father figure wasn’t going to die.
Even worse, after walking out of Ms. Pillsbury’s office, he caught sight of Kurt by his locker, staring at the book in his hand. He put it back in the locker and just stood there, looking between the books as though he’d forgotten where he was going next.
Oh, life is bigger
It’s bigger than you
And you are not me
Over the course of the week Kurt had put up more walls than a contractor, and Finn felt like... He didn’t think about stuff like this often. But he kinda felt... maybe it was that...
Kurt didn’t want him as a brother. There was a lump in his throat at that thought, and it was a worm eating at him. Once he’d forgiven Finn for joining in with the other jocks sometimes to pick on him, Kurt had pretty been friendly from the start, even before he’d started making the big doe eyes at him. And he’d forgiven Finn pretty quick after he’d dropped the f-bomb in the basement. So it couldn’t be that could it?. It wasn’t that he wasn’t generally congenial with everyone until you backed him into a corner.
Kurt was just super hard to get close to. Didn’t like to be touched. Hadn’t mentioned in the course of a year to anyone in the club that he was an atheist. Hardly talked about those times when Finn saw him get slammed into something. Never brought up how Puck used to throw him in the trash everyday.
Hell, Finn wasn’t even aware that Kurt had officially come out until weeks after it had happened, and Tina was mentioning how less scary Kurt’s dad was now.
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Kurt wouldn’t let Finn close to him. He skipped family dinners sometimes when Finn and his mom came over. Maybe he really didn’t want them in his life, but was letting it happen because he wanted his dad to be happy.
Finn didn’t want to be a drama queen about it, but realizing that Kurt might be rejecting him as a brother after having been the one who was so stoked at first kinda hurt. Yeah, it had been uncomfortable when Kurt had a crush on him, but this actually hurt, and he’d never actually caught Kurt looking looking when he was undressing or anything. It would suck if he’d ruined things forever and Kurt wasn’t able to completely trust him again.
Now the little guy was walking around like a zombie, and Finn had spent the week thinking about a heavenly father looking over him for all the little things, when his chance at a real dad was slipping away, and there was someone right in front of him who needed looking over.
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt, lost, and blinded fool
Spotting Azimio heading toward Kurt at a determined paced, Finn intercepted him and shoved him backward. Their eyes met.
“Protectin’ the Queen again, Hudsen?”
“Dude. His dad is in the hospital. Lay off for a while.”
Finn couldn’t tell if that had landed, but Azimio stepped back, shook his head and went the other way. Turning back to Kurt, Finn saw him leaning against his locker, staring at nothing in particular with his arms folded over himself. He looked so little.
For the rest of the morning, Finn sort of stalked around Kurt, keeping an eye on him and watching out for incoming assholes who wanted to rough him up while he was already completely overwhelmed. Now he got why Kurt would let Sue take care of things. He didn’t have anyone else to do it.
Through all his denial of the situation, Finn thought, maybe, he understood a little of what Kurt was feeling.
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Kurt, sitting there in the library with his book open to study, not studying at all. Grieving already. Entire world upended. Ms. Pillsbury seemed to think they should just keep singing religious songs at Kurt until he felt better. Finn didn’t buy that would help at all. He’d seen how upset Kurt had been in the hospital.
He was just alone. And he wasn’t good at reaching out for people.
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
When they filed into the choir room before lunch, Finn saw that Puck and Mike had chosen to flank Kurt by sitting on either side of him, possibly in some kind of effort to keep the more religious members of the glee club from pushing on him again. Kurt didn’t talk to them, and instead sort of looked checked out. Finn didn’t know how to be there for someone without being there. It was impossible. And God wasn’t taking care of this, and neither was anyone else.
“Mr. Schue, I have a song I wanna sing. Is that okay?” Finn kept his voice down. “I kind of... I sort of need to.”
“What’s the song?”
“Losing my Religion.”
Mr. Schue blinked, then scratched the back of his head. “I thought... I don’t know, Finn. This is a touchy subject this week, for everyone.”
“I know. But...”
“Well, the song isn’t really about religion. You know that, right?”
“It... Still.”
“Okay. Okay, there’s nothing in Kurt’s complaint that would keep you from singing this song.”
So Finn sang. To wide eyes from Quinn, and baffled looks from half the club. Rachel just looked stricken and perplexed, as though she was trying to figure out how to raise Jewish babies with an atheist babydaddy.
Finn didn’t know if he was an atheist yet. He just knew that everything was falling apart and falling away. The club fussed about the song choice, and he tried to explain, but not very well. He took a seat next to Tina, behind Kurt. Finn couldn’t tell how his song had affected Kurt, since Kurt hardly seemed to be there at all.
Then he turned slightly and leaned toward Finn. “My morning has been surprisingly... nonviolent,” he whispered in a fragile voice. “Do I have you to thank for that? I thought I saw you... in the library?”
Mr. Schue had begun to write something on the board, but the entire club seemed to turn their heads to listen. Finn leaned forward and kept his voice quiet so they would stop butting in. Puck and Mike and Tina would probably hear, but that could be a good thing, if it kept the guys’ eyes peeled out there in the halls.
“Your father would want me to keep an eye on you right now. Sorry I’ve been so out of it this week.”
Kurt shook his head. “It’s understandable that you would be. But you don’t have to look out for me.”
“Someone should.”
“I... Do you still want...” Kurt’s eyes filled dangerously close to the brim, and he just blinked and looked away.
I think I thought I saw you try
“Do you still...”
Kurt looked down and folded his hands, going quiet. Finn tried again to touch Kurt’s shoulder. This time Kurt didn’t pull away. Maybe that was enough to hold onto for now. Looking after his mom and his... whatever Kurt was to him.
“Mom said you should come over to our place tonight after the hospital. If you still want to do family dinner,” Finn said.
Kurt just nodded.
Finn didn’t consider himself a smart guy. But he realized what a leap they’d both just made.