Work Text:
Ways To Say Goodbye
Dear Cas,
It's been a long time since I've written something in a proper letter. I can't remember the last time I've actually written a letter. Maybe I haven't. Well, there's a first time for everything isn't there?
You know, I didn't exactly realise why I was writing this, and I still don't know why I am. I only wanted to write this to remind myself of the good times. The funny thing is, all the good times were with you.
One memory I remember clearly, was the time we first went on a date. It was the start of everything, wasn't it?
I took you to a little cafe at the edge of town first. I bought you a coffee and you spilled it all down your shirt. You always were a little clutz. You just looked up and smiled at me sheepishly.
And the first time I kissed you. I remember that so vividly, it's almost like it's imprinted in my mind forever. And I don't mind if it is, because it was the best moment of my life.
I remember I was so scared. My heart was just thumping in my chest, and I remember my hands were sweating. You looked so calm and composed, like this had happened before. I was surprised at how you didn't notice how terrified I must have looked.
Then, it just happened. It was clumsy, like all first kisses are. But it was, excuse the chick flick explanation, magical.
You remember that sketchbook you always had? Of course you do, you carried it everywhere and drew in it at the most random times. We could have been about to get killed and you would suddenly get an urge to draw.
I remember the first time you let me see it. You were always so private about it, so secretive. I don't know why, your drawings were amazing. I say that without arrogance, as I realised that most of them were of me.
You always put so much detail in your work, you could almost feel the wave of feelings attacking you in waves as soon as you saw it.
I remember you standing there nervously as I flicked through them, with awe written all over my face. I remember your face lighting up as soon as I exclaimed my thoughts about them out loud.
You looked so flattered and surprised. It was beautiful.
I wonder if you remember the look on my face when you told me you couldn't swim.
I was so shocked. And of course, I automatically dragged you to the beach, the next sunny day we had. I remember you being reluctant, and just wanted to skim stones across the ocean, but I made you get in.
You liked it once you were in, no matter how much you claimed you didn't. And I remember those ridiculous armbands you insisted on wearing. The ones with the little yellow ducks.
I remember my hands underneath you, on your stomach, keeping you afloat. You looked terrified, hands grasping at me as if I'd let you go any second. I asked you if you trusted me. And you nodded.
You still didn't want to go in the water ever again after we got out. But you had fun. I know you did. I could see it in your beautiful sparkling blue eyes.
I remember when we'd been dating for about four months. That was when I first told you I loved you. It wasn't even planned. We'd been painting, I remember that. We didn't actually paint though. I remember it all started when you dabbed my nose with the blue paint.
It ended up being a paint war. We were having so much fun. I remember how you picked up the red bottle, and by now we were both soaked with paint, and you started chasing me with it.
I ended up screeching like and girl and said "Cas, no, stop, I love you!"
That stopped you anyhow. It was silent for a few moments but then you asked carefully if I meant it. And of course, I said I did.
I still love you Cas. I always will, no matter what.
I remember the first Christmas we had. You loved the jacket I bought you, and I still have the AC/DC shirt that you got for me. You taught me how to bake cookies, and we ended up getting more flour on us than in the bowl.
We had so much fun together, do you remember that? I miss it.
They weren't all good memories though. I remember the fights, the screaming, the crying.
I remember the day you left.
You packed your bags and left. You came back though. Sort of.
You came back in a way. It'd been a year since you walked out, and then you had an accident. I remember your nurse tracked me down and said you'd been wanting me.
You got better, yeah. And soon it was out of hospital and back to how we were. Those were some really good times.
It wasn't all smooth sailing; it'd been a heck of a ride. I was afraid to commit again. Really afraid. But you'd told me you'd wait.
You told me you'd wait forever.
We had some good times. You were my friend, my lover, my partner, my life.
You were everything I ever wanted and needed.
I told you this any chance I got, out of fear you would forget.
It was the year of 2009 that you left again. Only not in the same way.
You know when I was mentioning the memories? There is one I want to forget.
The memory of a policeman coming to my door.
The memory of standing over your coffin.
The memory of you looking so peaceful in a box, with closed eyelids hiding the beautiful blue colour I'd never see again.
The memory of your last goodbye. Of kissing me and saying you'd be back soon. You were only going to visit your aunt after all.
But I guess that drunk driver just couldn't stop in time, huh?
You told me you'd wait forever. Well you only need to wait that little bit longer Cas.
Because I'll be with you soon.
Love, Dean.