Chapter Text
Fili pulled his feet up closer to his body, his cheap black and white shoes matching his worn jeans and ratty coat. He leaned his head back looking up at the cloud covered sky. It was going to rain any moment, he could feel the familiar ache as he he closed his eyes. The first rain drop that fell landed on his hand, the next hit his pants. He waited as the spring rain started to drum down on him, padding softly onto his cheeks as he laid back onto the finely cut grass. He laced his fingers over his stomach, staring up at the sky only tilting his head to the side after a rain drop almost hit him in the eye. No one was beside him, though he did like to pretend. Imagine that familiar form stretched out and pointing a finger up to the sky. He liked to pretend that once sweet voice that made everything okay was talking to him. Sometimes he would hold a one sided conversation, soothing out the churning waters inside him that tried to drown his soul. Today he couldn’t imagine the figure, couldn’t hear the voice in his mind. He was so tired. Having lost sleep for another night in a row. Whenever he closed his eyes he relived it, could still feel that drop in his stomach as if taking another step on the stairs only to find nothing there to catch his fall. He tumbled into a free fall into that familiar darkness once again, but this time it was a different plumet. It didn’t hurt as much, not as much as the first time, but it still stung like a bee sting to the heart.
He slowly blinked, enjoying the silence that was offered. The view was nice, a gentle rolling hill that looked over a beautiful field, a good view of the mountains that cradled the tiny valley. Only a few erect slabs of stone marred his view of the field, but it was understandable and forgivable considering where he was.
He blinked once, then twice, before his eyes wouldn’t open any longer and he fell asleep out in the rain, stretched out beside a grave.
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It was late at night when Kili pushed himself into the coffee shop. He had a long night ahead of him. He had to pull yet another all nighter to cram as much study time as he could in for college. Even though he was supposed to be on vacation he found that most professors were evil in the course he was taking and had assigned a relentless amount of essays that were due the day he got back from spring break.
“I’m sorry but we’re closing.” The lady behind the counter was wiping down some of the equipment.
“I know, I know, but please, I need a triple shot espresso to go. I’ll give you double the price of the coffee for your trouble.” Kili was already reaching into his back pocket for his wallet.
She heaved a sigh and started to work on his order. The shop bell rung as someone else came in. He glanced back when he heard the slopping of wet shoes. His eyes barely glanced over the person, taking in their second hand clothing and hunched over shoulders as they hugged themselves. The barista told him the total for his order, he paid as much as he had promised before taking the paper cup. He sidestepped the growing puddle under the shivering figure and headed out. He juggled his keys in one hand, dropping them into a puddle in the parking lot. He was about to bend over and get them when the person from inside had beaten him to it. Picking them up and handing them to him.
“Here.” Their voice was barely a whisper.
“Thanks.” Kili couldn’t help but stare as he wrapped his fingers around the keys. Those eyes… they were… something about his eyes made him feel heavy inside.
The blond turned away, sniffling and wrapping an arm around his chest, one hand holding a steaming cup of hot water, the tea back in it not having enough time to steep. Kili continued to stare, watching the figure walk down the sidewalk in the little town that was already asleep. His attention was only pulled away when his keys had slipped from his fingers once again.
“Shit.” He dipped down and pulled them out of the cold puddle. He looked back up and the person was gone.
He shook his head trying to rid himself of that pressing feeling in his stomach. He had to get home before his parents saw that he had taken the car without their permission.
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Frerin was beside himself. The town they lived in was small, barely big enough to have only one grocery store, bowling alley, and a museum. The sad excuse for what they call a hotel looked like a glorified two story coffee stand. He had driven each street at least three times, checked the baseball field, went down every route he knew Fili took, even went past the horse pasture to see if he was “socializing with his friends”, which was talk of the town’s folk describing Fili stand by the barbed wire fence and feeding the McGorman’s horses apples and oats.
He turned another corner to the main road that fed through the small town of Chewelah. His headlights caught on the familiar figure of gold hair and dark clothing, walking in the rain and holding a paper cup in one hand. He slammed on his breaks, shifted the jeep into park, and nearly fell onto the road in his race to get out of the vehicle; engine still running, and leaving the door open.
“Fili!” He ran in front of the jeep and to the sidewalk. He stopped short of bodily running into him. “Where the hell have you been?! You’re soaked through!”
“S-Sorry.” Fili’s teeth chattered as he brought the paper cup up to his mouth, sipping on the steaming tea. His fingers were red from the cold despite his attempts to keep them warm.
Frerin shrugged off his coat, wrapping it around shoulders that were smaller than his even though they did not differ greatly in age. He slung an arm around Fili’s shoulders and ushered him quickly to the car. Soon as Fili was seated, Frerin leaned over him and was adjusting all of the vents to point at the sopping, shivering mess that sniffled. He cranked up the heat before closing the door and going around to the driver’s side and getting in himself.
“Can you feel the heat?”
Fili nodded, sniffing as the temperature change of the air made his nose run.
“When we get home you’re taking a boiling hot bath, you’re eating and drinking whatever I put in front of you and you’re telling me where the fuck you’ve been all day!” He continued to grumble, as he threw the jeep into geer heading home.
Fili tuned him out, leaning back in his seat and watching the dark world pass by. House lights were already being turned off, delving the town into the world of night. He craned his neck, trying to look up at the sky, there were a few stars visible through the rainy clouds. He liked stars, they let him focus on something other than the echos in his heart. There was always a sense of wonderment that they brought with them, emptying him out so that all there was were the tiny pinpricks above. When the clouds covered the stars once again he closed his eyes. He still felt so tired, completely drained despite sleeping earlier. It did occur to him that he may start to be getting sick but he brushed it off. He always got sick, but being caught out in the rain never did it to him. He barely noticed when they got home, only the slam of Frerin’s door jerked him out of his thoughts.
He got out, following the man that had the same color of blond hair as himself. They went into the house where Frerin quickly shoved him into the bathroom. While he stood in the shower, the warm water sliding down his back the bathroom door opened up. Frerin pushed back the shower curtain his hand going under the water.
“Hey!” Fili protested.
“I said, ‘hot bath’ not ‘warm shower’.” He cranked up the heat to the water and put the rubber stopper into the tub.
“Thank you for invading my privacy for that.”
“When you wake up the morning and not coughing and free of a runny nose, you’re going to thank me. Clean clothes on the counter, and I’m serious, once you’re done I want to see you in the kitchen.”
Frerin left, closing the door behind him. Fili slid down into the tub, pulling up his knees as he let it fill through the shower, the hot water falling over his head. He could feel the cold rain, slip over his scalp and over his shoulders. He let out a heavy sigh, moving took a lot of effort, but still he managed to wash his hair and do a brief rub down with a bar of soap. When he was rinsed off he unplugged the bathtub and turned off the shower. He stood up, letting the water drip. He closed his eyes again, willing himself back into motion. Frerin would chase him to his room if he didn’t go and eat. He would badger him until Fili finally snapped and yelled at the top of his lungs in a long winded rant about how fucking unfair life was only to regret his words later. He just had to bear down and do it.
He got dressed slowly, before venturing out, dragging his feet. He hesitated by the entrance to the kitchen. Inside Frerin was cooking, his long hair tied back, apron on. He was tossing some rice in a skillet there was already a platter of almond chicken on the island, two plates set out with chop sticks so they could eat in the kitchen. Fili pulled at the sleeve of his brown shirt, suddenly feeling worse than before. Frerin was cooking Fili’s favorite, it meant one of three things, it was Fili’s birthday, Thorin wasn’t coming home, or… he was worried to the point he was about to cry. And he had only seen Frerin cry a few times… Fili hated seeing him cry.
“Is he… going to come home soon?” Fili asked softly.
“Yeah.” Frerin cleared his throat as he turned off the stove top. “In uh, in June as scheduled. ...Fili?”
He didn’t respond, slowly pulling himself into the kitchen to take a seat at the island on a bar stool.
“You know I love you, right?”
“I know.” Fili whispered, his vision started to blur as his eyes stung. He slipped hand over his eyes. “I’m sorry… I… I had to see her again… but no matter how many times I go there. I can’t… I just can’t…”
Strong arms wrapped around him, holding him close as a choked sob ripped from Fili’s throat. He grabbed fistfuls of Frerin’s shirt, crying shamefully like a little boy.