Work Text:
“Son of a- Marty, did you eat all the kitkats?”
“I only had three!”
“There was only three! You know that the kitkats are the first to go!”
“You can have mine, Newt... if you'll give me your peanut butter cups.”
“How many?”
“All of them.”
“No dice, dude.”
“All right, all right.... half.”
“You're the devil.”
“I figured I'd be in character.”
“Fine. You've got a deal. Hand 'em over! Yes! Yesss! Aaaaallll of the kitkats!”
“I'm sorry if you and the kitkats need a moment alone, but I'm pretty sure it's showtime.”
[Opening title for 30 seconds: Thriller by Michael Jackson]
TC: [maniacal laughter] Good eeeeevening boys and ghouls, welcome to Radio LOCCENT's very special Halloween show! The clock has just struck the witching hour, so what better way to start your day of candy and poor decisions than with us here in our [growls menacingly] haunted HQ.
[As if on cue, members of LOCCENT make various ghostly moans and shrieks]
TC: Oooh, scary, huh? But don't be frightened and change that dial, listeners, because we've got a howlin' good time planned. Tonight with some spoooooky sets and announcing the winners of our annual Shatterdome Costume Contest, later we'll have the 'dome's official coroner Dr. Joseph Kimanthi here to tell us what's in his cooler for Halloween (and ten bucks says it isn't beer). Before we kick off this set of terrifying tunes, we've got to pay homage to the greatest of Halloween songs. Shatterdome, it's time to do the mash...
[Cue:
Monster Mash- Bobby “Boris” Pickett and the Crypt-Kickers
Ghost of Stephen Foster- Squirrel Nut Zippers
Whistlin' Past the Graveyard- Screamin' Jay Hawkins
That Old Black Magic- Doris Day
Me and Mr. Wolf- The Real Tuesday Weld ]
TC: Welcome back creatures of the night! That was a little set of music to get you in a spooky mood, it's a little after quarter past 24:00, which means that you're officially allowed to put on that work-appropriate costume. Speaking of which- why don't you put on that thing, take a picture, and send it to us at our PPDC homepage. Who knows, you might win our covetted prize of 7 kilos (that's 15 pounds, Americans) of various candies we managed to smuggle in. And I promise- it's good shit, none of that tissue-wrapped crap you scraped at the bottom of your bucket a week after trick-or-treating.
ML: And no candy corn either. Can't stand that crap, nobody can.
TC: As usual, Marty, your taste in candy is about as shitty as your taste in clothes, man. I happen to like candy corn.
NG: Are you a mutant?
TC: [ignores him] Shatterdome, I will eat your candy corn. Send that sweet, sweet lovin' this way.
NG: All candy has a home in Tendo's belly!
TC: Except for licorice.
NG: Yeah, you're a mutant.
TC: You're one to talk... what are you supposed to be again?
NG: Dude.... Dude! I'm Ash from Evil Dead! Didn't the chainsaw arm give it away?
[Silence]
NG: You know! As played by Bruce Campbell, probably some of the most flawless examples of slapstick horror out there? Do you live under a rock?
TC: I'm sorry, as played by who?
NG: Dude... now you're just fucking with me....
TC: Yep, because it's that easy. If you're curious, pictures of all of our get-ups are up on the website. But just to give you an idea, Nyima's dressed as a ghost- great job on the makeup, by the way. Newt is Ash from Pokemon-
NG: Evil Dead, you Phillestine! Though that does give me an idea for next year...
TC: All right, pocket-sized Bruce Campbell. Marty is a lame-ass and didn't dress up....
ML: Did too! I'm just subtle....
TC: Marty is in a costume so stealth that the PPDC is giving him funding to develop it... and my dear wife spent the hour before I showed up here painting me red to be a devil. I think she enjoyed it, but thanks all the same, honey- you're the sexiest swamp creature in munitions!
ML: There are multiple swamp creatures in munitions?
TC: On a bad morning when coffee's on ration, yes.
All right folks, just because it's Halloween doesn't mean we get to skip on the formalities, here are your announcements!
Being the 31st of October in the West, there will be a traditional Samhain ceremony and accompanying blessing for all neopagan or Wiccan personnel tonight in the rooftop garden. The ceremony starts at sundown, approximately 17:00. Anyone going skyclad or covered in nothing but blue paint will be asked to cover up or spend an hour in detention cleaning toilets. Naked. This is still a military base, you guys.
HR would like to remind personnel that costumes must be work-appropriate, even if you aren't scheduled for a shift- so no skimpy outfits, wet fake blood, or crazy masks that'll make it so you can't do your job. Don't be like Hunter in Welding Crew Alpha- dude, you are never going to live that Bride of Frankenstein down. Poor bastard's dress got caught in he shoulder rotors of Crimson Typhoon, they had to strip him down to get him out. Wow... I am fixated on the nudity tonight...
And on the note of appropriate Halloween costumes- don't be a dick, it's 2023- dressing up as an indian or a geisha was never cool, and I'm pretty sure if you show up to your shift wearing buckskins and a bad headdress Suzie Flying Man will find you all Liam Neeson style and personally kick your ass. I've got it in writing right here.
Besides, why would you dress up in a racist-ass costume when you could be a zombie or a werewolf or...
ML: Lou Reed!
NG: Or zombie werewolf Lou Reed!
TC: Well I found next year's costume... There are a few parties going on tonight in different Shatterdome departments. Of course, Human Resources is putting on their famous Zombie Prom with the gate money being donated to the families of Shaolin Rogue pilots Jin-Guo Hung and Kwan Zhai. Doors to Hanger 7 open at 21:00 and the party goes til 24:00.
Meanwhile in Mess Hall 2, the Japanese Cinema Appreciation Society will be showing a double feature of two bone-chilling horror flicks- first, the original Ju-On, or the Grudge. Following that is the creepy fairy tale and cult classic, House. Both films will be shown with English and Chinese subtitles starting at 20:00. So stick around after evening mess if you want the shit scared out of you.
On the heels of last week's showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show and everybody's... stunning perfomances that will haunt my psyche for years to come-
[aside]
Who managed to get Chuck Hansen in fishnets?
[beat]
-the American Midnight Movie is actually decent this week: This Friday at 24:00 in Mess Hall 1 there'll be a screening of The Avengers. I would definitely go, people, you never know how long it'll be until you see a good American movie again.
NG: That would be Mei-Shio Collins. Chuck's had a bad crush on her for months and she was our Janet. And you'd be surprised, man, Chuck's not above cross-dressing and some genderfuckery in the name of fun.
TC: It's surprising, but not at the same time... Either way, really, you guys did a great job. I'd ask where you got all those corsets, but most of me doesn't want to know the answer.
In case you were thinking about repenting for all the debauchery tonight, Father Ruiz invites all personnel, Catholic and otherwise to a special mid-week mass in honor of All Saints Day. The mass starts at 10:30 sharp in the IFC Hall.
Finally, the moment that everyone's been waiting for, the Radio LOCCENT pumpkin raffle. We've got five pumpkins that were painstakingly grown on the rooftop garden by Security Corporal Nelson Chermeris this fall that are ready for carving- so let's draw the lucky names- care to do the honors, Nyima?
NT: Sure thing, Tendo. The winners of the pumpkins are:
[Rustling of paper]
NT: Sargeant Annie Clarke, Hideo Watanabe, Felicia Andrews-Higgins, Lex Geelvinck, and Joshua O'Connor!
NG: [Anguished] Awwwww!
NT: Congratulations, everyone! Please come to LOCCENT to collect your pumpkin and please have your PPDC number on-hand so we can verify you!
TC: Yeah, because last year we had a pumpkin thief....
NG: Dammit, I haven't carved an actual pumpkin-pumpkin since 2018 in LA! I've been using kabocha since Tokyo, but man, the guts just aren't the same. And they aren't- you know- orange.
TC: We've gotta make due, that is the wartime way and all that shit. It's a miracle and a testament to the creativity of all you folks out there that we're able to have holidays at all.
NG: Oh wait! Tendo! Can I make a quick announcement? Remember?
TC: Oh yeah... knock yourself out, brother.
NG: Okay, so! [Clears throat] Tonight and tonight only, come to the haunted laboratory! Dare you navigate the twists and turns and shocking-
TC: Oh for th love of- you did the haunted lab thing again? Dude, it's just a strobe light and Gottleib sitting at his desk muttering. Hell, that was the scariest thing about the “haunted laboratory”.
NG: No, it's totally-
TC: He said he was the ghost of a mathematician who stabbed himself to death with a slide rule...
NG: I know, he got really creative last year!
TC: And then you made people put their hands in a bowl full of lychees saying they were eyeballs.
NG: You know, you are ruining Halloween....
TC: Have you upped the ante this year? Hung some cobwebs?
NT: Ya, stop Tendo, that sounded like fun!
NG: See! Nyima wants to brave the haunted laboratory!
TC: Dude, I'm sorry, but it's been totally lame since the PPDC shut you down when you were busted for using kaiju parts as decoration.
NG: Those particular parts were neutra-
TC: You hung intestines from the ceiling! They dripped all over everybody! Gottleib fainted!
NG: Best Halloween ever!
TC: All right, I think that's enough of that jackassery, time for some more monstrous music to kick off your Halloween. In this classic set we've got a request for that bombshell of a wrench wench, Lillian Hsu, who wanted “I Put a Spell on You” to match he Winifred Sanderson costume. Absolutely Lils and that is one smokin' costume!
[Cue:
I Put a Spell on You- Nina Simone
Sympathy for the Devil- Rolling Stones
Superstition- Stevie Wonder
Thriller- Michael Jackson
Werewolves of London- Warren Zevon]
“Hey Nyima, toss me some Skittles.”
“I'm afraid there aren't any left, sorry Tendo.”
“Where did they go?”
“I think Shoshana took them all during the shift change.”
“Dammit!”
“Oh! We have a new costume entry- it's Dr. Gottleib!”
“Dude, Hermann!?! What's he dressed up as? Is he the Thin White Duke like I told him to be?”
“He's... Alan Turing.”
“Um, what? Excuse me, what? That is such bullshit! He basically put on a tweedier coat and brushed his stupid hair to the side of his stupid face!”
“He's a good Alan Turing, though.”
“Oh my god yes he is.”
TC: And we're back! Hope you enjoyed that set, boys and ghouls, because those were some of the greats, including a steamy track by Nina Simone requested by Lillian Hsu. Speaking of- send us a picture of you in your Halloween costume before the end of this broadcast and you could win a massive box of candy. All of that trick-or-treating goodness, none of the asking your friends to borrow their toddlers because you're too old. Not that I've done that.
ML: Oh I totally have. I took all of my neices and nephews back in San Fran after K-Day. They dressed up as the dwarves from the Hobbit, all 12 of them, it was really cute.
[Choruses of 'awwwws' around LOCCENT]
NG: Oh my god I want pictures.... please tell me you were Gandalf.
ML: I was.
[Incoherant gibbering and wails of glee]
TC: And yet here we are, ten years later, and no costume. How the mighty have fallen, eh Marty?
ML: Dude, there's a war on... and I didn't feel like it.
TC: Lame. What about you, Newt- what was your greatest Halloween costume?
NG: I dunno, I feel pretty badass now, heh. Okay, best was... oh man, one year I was at MIT and- well, costumes were always super competitive and I think my proudest year was making a Megazord suit- you know, from Power Rangers? It looked really good, too- I made the helmet light up and everything. It was so awesome.
TC: Oh my god....
NG: [pleased] Yeah, yeah, I know. Supercool, right?
TC: You are definitely the biggest dork in this Shatterdome, maybe even the continent, including all of Japan.
NG: You are totally jealous. I had the power sword and everything, man. You're-you're- totally hella jealous. You are hellous right now.
TC: Yeah, sure. Anyway, super geeky Halloweens past aside, we've got a guest here tonight. And I'm not gonna lie, I'm kind of embarassed- I've been at this dome for two years and I've never once made his acquaintence. Give a monstrous welcome to Hong Kong Shatterdome's very own coroner- Dr. Joseph Kimanthi!
[Cheers and whoops from around LOCCENT, a cheesy thunderclap and dramatic chord plays]
TC: Welcome to the show Dr. Kimanthi... or can I call you-
NG: Hi Joe!
JK: What say, Newton. Tendo.
TC: Now Dr. K, most of us wouldn't know you if we saw you, but you have a very important job here.
JK: That is right, Tendo. I'm the official coroner for the Shatterdome, so I tend not to go out and be social, particularly among the Casey personnel. Except for Newton- are we still up for Friday night, Newton?
NG: Settlers of Catan with the Wei Tang bros, sure are!
JK: Maader. But yes, I have had very unfortunate luck with making fond friends with the jaeger pilots... and you can understand how that works out sometimes.
TC: Yes. I can definitely... sooo, Dr. Kimanthi, how do you stay positive?
JK: Well, at the very least I retain a good sense of humor. You know coroners and morticians are actually some of the greatest jokesters? In fact.. would anyone like to hear a joke?
[Affirmative echoes from LOCCENT]
JK: [chuckles] Very well. A doctor gives the diagnosis to his patient, he says,”I'm very sorry, but the outlook is grim. You only have six months to live.” The patient is naturally distraught and asks, “Is there anything I can do to help it?” The doctor responds,” Take lots of mud baths.” The patient asks,” Will that help my illness and give me more time?” The doctor says,” No, but it will get you used to lying in dirt.”
[Scattered, shocked, and stifled laughter from LOCCENT.]
NG: [snorting] I love this guy... tell the one about the lawyer!
JK: No. No, I think one joke will be enough.
TC: Good call, Dr. Kimanthi, not everybody can appreciate... uh... dark humor. What else can you tell us about your job?
JK: Well I certainly don't get any backtalk!
TC: Hah, that's gotta be nice! Any interesting stories? I mean within reason...
JK: One of the strangest things that I've ever encountered- well, let me set it up like this. As many know, after death gasses in the body are released, resulting in strange noises. Likewise sometimes the muscles will spasm and move the body involuntarily. When I was new to the work, I was working one late night on an individual and the body sat straight up, eyes open, and let out this odd moan. As if in protest. And do you know what? I pointed right at him and said [booming] “Sir you are dead! I'm very sorry to break the news, but you are being very difficult!” And you know? He seemed to relax. Enough to lay back down. And was quiet. Which is very odd considering how corpses behave... but.. apparently he didn't want to be a bother.
TC: Heh, wow...But doesn't it get a little lurid down there? Even during the war people really want to separate themselves from death.
JK: Unfortunately Tendo, you're right, we are in a war. Most of us have become quite familiar with death as a result and I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing. By giving death a personal face, we learn to appreciate life much, much more- no matter what your beliefs are. We appreciate how fragile a human life is and we want to treasure and protect it. So you see, it's actually not terribly depressing to be a coroner at all. My job provides much comfort to the living.
TC: You know, that's actually really beautiful, Dr. K. So why don't we end it on that note. Anything you'd like to plug? Support your local coroner?
JK: Absolutely! And if anyone cares to visit, I do appreciate the ocassional visitors- I promise that I'll put my client away in case of any, curious or otherwise. I am located in the floor below medical.
TC: Fantastic. You can tell some more of those really macabre jokes- because you know, it's been nice talking to you- Dr. Kimanthi. Don't be a stranger yourself, sir.
We're going to take a quick candy break, everybody- but in the meantime I'm opening the queue up to Dr. Newton “Re-Animator” Geiszler, who put together this next set. And remember, If you're dressed up and have no place to go, take a picture and send it to [email protected] we might be able to help you out. But do it quickly because we're going to be announcing the winners during listener Q&A. Stay spooky, Shatterdome!
[Cue:
Dead Man's Party- Oingo Boingo
Dracula- The Gorillaz
Halloween- The Misfits
Hell's Bells- Cary Ann Hearst
Living Dead Girl- Rob Zombie]
TC: I know it's only past midnight, but did you get anything good in your trick-or-treat baskets, Shatterdome?
[beat]
TC: No? Well that's a damned shame. Because somebody out there is going to get a crapton of candy. Now who's it gonna be... Go to our homepage on the PPDC website and take a look at this year's entries. Maybe your favorite will win! Nyima, who's your favorite?
NT: I love, really love Marie Cartalay as Sailor Danger. I watched Sailor Moon when I was at school and her costume is perfect!
TC: Agreed, super adorable. What about you Marty?
ML: I nearly snorted coffee out of my nose when I saw Chuck Hansen in like a Mad Max/Road Warrior getup. Way to be that Australian, Chuck.
TC: It looks like he raided my ex's date night cabinet for some of the lea- said too much, there, sorry. Newt, brother- who's your favorite?
NG: I'm super wicked torn between the redheaded twins as the creepy girls from the Shining and Sam Hearst as a crash test dummy.
TC: Dude, I'd totally give it to the Whateleys, but my brain needs to be bleached because one of them is a dude-
NG: You don't know that, maybe...
TC: Nono... man, I know. And just... their expressions might haunt me 'til next week, but sadly they're in a different Shatterdome. I mean we're really flattered that our humble program gets listeners as far as Anchorage, though- thanks for listening, guys. Personally my picks are Shizumi Miro as an adorable Janelle Monae, but I am pretty biased...
ML: Yes Tendo, we all know how badly you want to bang Janelle Monae. You've been crushing on her since Arch-Android.
TC: I wouldn't bang her... not at first. You've gotta romance somebody as classy as Janelle! Anyway, my other pick'd definitely be the Kaidanovskis as Morticia and Gomez Addams- and guess who's wearing the dress?
NG: I think Aleksis looks wicked elegant.
TC: Yeah, and Sasha always could pull off a suit. You know she got married in a tux? Great ceremony, awesome wedding, open bar for a day and a half.
ML: So who's the winner?
TC: And once more Marty brings us sharply back to the point. The winner, as decided by LOCCENT is Timothy Wong from Operations who dressed as the Wall of Life!
ML: That was genius.
NG: I love his kaiju mask with his face busting through the wall- ugh- awesome.
NT: I thought it was super smart and very cute! The second I saw it I knew he was the winner!
TC: And damned unsettling in the scale of political statements. Congratulations, Tim, you've won the massive box of candy, eternal fame on our website (apocalypse pending), and a knock on your door from the PPDC Anti-Sedition squad. I'd find a safe house to enjoy your candy in.
And it looks like we're out of time, because it's just past the witching hour and we're about to turn into pumpkins. Noriko's taking over the stream next with her J-Pop show, followed by BBC and Al-Jazeera world services until 7:00. From me, Marty, Nyima, Newt, and everybody here at Radio LOCCENT, Happy Halloween and goodnight!
[Sign off music: Highway to Hell- AC/DC ]
[End transmission]