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“So why are we congratulating you for firing the shot? Shouldn't we be congratulating your wife for putting up with you? And... you know, having the baby?”
“Marty, will you shut up and just drink the champagne?”
“I can't, I know the Marshall lets us do the show however we want, but technically we're still on duty..”
“Take. The champagne. Marty. Nyima, you want some?”
“Tendo, you know I don't drink.”
“Right. Buddhist. Sorry.”
“Congratulations, though!”
“Can I have hers?”
“Knock yerself out, brother.”
“Is it a good idea to get Newt drunk?”
“Are you crazy, it's the best idea!”
[Opening title for 30 seconds:It's the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) - R.E.M.
...fade]
TC: Gooooood Evening Shatterdome, you veritable rainbow of badasses. I'm Tendo Choi and... you know what, I'm not even gonna do the traditional intro jerk-off because I've got great news! Guueeeesss what, you guys?!
[LOCCENT, in unison: “What?!”]
TC: Alison's pregnant! My beautiful, perfect wife is pregnant and going to give birth to something equally beautiful and perfect!
ML: So what are they doing hanging out with an asshat like you?
TC: Marty, normally I'd call you basket of elegantly arranged dicks, but even I have patience for your shenanigans today.
NG: Hah! Shhhennnanigans...
ML: Uhhh... thanks. [Furtively into the microphone] Hey guys, if you're listening right now, let's play the Radio LOCCENT drinking game. Everytime Tendo mentions his wife is pregnant, take a drink or shot or something. If you're conscious at the end of the show, you must have taken really small si-
[Hollow smack] Ow!
TC: So with that amazing news, let's get this train a-movin'. We'll have our usual announcements, and jackassery after the first set of tunes. Then later we'll be sitting down with Rangers Suzie Flying Man and Megan Murphy to discuss the PPDC's recent shutdown of jaeger construction and still later we'll take your questions and emails to round out the hour.
And remember, folks- feel free to send your music requests and dedications to [email protected]. Silence may be a golden, but it sure as hell never bought me a drink.
[Explosive pop]
TC: Newt! Dude, you almost took out the war clock!
NG: Sorrynotsorry!
[Cue
Bring It Back Again- Stray Cats
After the Bombs- The Decemberists]
TC: [Dreamily] And we're back, Shatterdome. If you couldn't tell, that set was dedicated to my amazing wife Alison, who got the confirmation this morning that she's pregnant. Kind of a set to sidle close to somebody special with, thinkin' about what you'll do when this thing is all over. And also thinkin' about how beautiful my future child's gonna be. I'm sorry, guys. Don't be too jealous.
ML: Yeah, I call bullshit, Tendo. When have you had time in the last god-knows-how-long to do anything with your wife. You're always here.
TC: [Into the mic] Honey, I'm sorry for this.
[Beat]
TC: You know that chair you're sitting in, Marty?
[Heavy pause]
ML: That's gross. I'm washing these pants in bleach and setting fire to this chair.
TC: [Chuckles darkly] Might as well burn all the chairs in LOCCENT, then.
[Various shrieks and groans from LOCCENT personnel.]
TC: Newt, you seem unphased.
NG: Oh. [Sets glass down] Sorry, am I supposed to be grossed out by this? Dude- Hello- what do I do all day? One time I got a carcass- Category 2, Sawtooth, absolutely gorgeous- it wasn't preserved right and when I made the first incision I burst the lower intestine. Stomach acid-stewed fish and kaiju shit everywhere. On my face, on my clothes, on my-
TC: Let's try to push away that traumatizing mental image with some nice announcements, all right listeners?
NG: -Hermann's favorite blazer was wrreeeeecked!
TC: First off, to the new recruits that arrived Sunday morning, a big LOCCENT welcome to the Hong Kong Shatterdome. In the coming weeks I'm sure you'll get used to our mess food, our friendly communal showering, our piss-poor taste in American movies- and our flawless late-night radio shows that broadcast every Tuesday and Thursday from 24:00 to 1:00 that shamelessly plug themselves...
A reminder that physicals are happening this week for all Casey designated personnel. So if you haven't already, start taking those vitamins, chugging that water, and quietly bagging up your roommate's pee.
But seriously, don't do that. You never know where your roommate's been.
And another reminder that there is a three-strike policy for the Shatterdome roof garden. Anyone trying to grow illicit or invasive plants... like certain kinds of weed will lead to the garden getting shut down. And yes, that means no pumpkins for Halloween. According to Human Resources, as of Friday's botanical bust, we are on strike one.
There was some love on the tarmac Saturday morning when Airman Gil Delgado proposed to his boyfriend of one year, Airman Dennis Wong right there on the helipad. When he presented the ring, Delgado apparently said, “Honey, it's the end of the world and you could do a lot worse.”
Wong said yes and they're shooting for an April Shatterdome wedding. Congratulations, flyboys!
Reminds me of when I proposed to Alison, she-
ML: Tendo, didn't she propose to you?
TC: It was.. uh... sort of a mutual thing, you know? So there we were on this terrace...
NG: Was this the night of that charity gala thing and you ate some bad crawfish and puked your guts out?
TC: You're ruining the story.
[beat]
TC: But yes. And that's why she proposed first.
NT: While you were covered in vomit? That's so sweet!
TC: In other news, I hate all of you...
Tomorrow in the West Rec Room at 17:30 Roko Furisawa will be hosting a knitting class for beginners- which I highly recommend. Roko's a very patient teacher- she managed to teach both Newt and Marty here how to knit.
NG: Hey, knitting works on very simple principles of symmetrical manipulation, I could've figured it out!
TC: Yeah, but you also have the focus of a hummingbird on crack. So I doubt that.
Thursday night in Mess Hall 3 there will be a showing of the 1967 wuxia classic, The One-Armed Swordsman. It starts at 21:00 and shouldn't be missed, it's a great flick.
Nobody's announced what the American midnight movie's going to be for the coming week, but I'm sure it's going to be something that should be banned by the Geneva Convention, like Showgirls or Transformers 2.
NG: [grandiose] Not so fast Tendo! I have a midnight movie announcement!
TC: Did we find out what sadist's been picking them the last few months?
NG: That sadist is Amal Furgeson. And no. Something actually awesome! Unquantifiably awesome.
TC: Ama- are you telling me that a Canadian has been picking the American midnight movie?
NG: Totally not the point, man! Me and a few of the girls in human resources have been planning something kickass because it's October and a lot of the Americans and Canadians are homesick for Halloween. So we're dusting off an old LA Shatterdome tradition and doing the Rocky Horror Picture Show on the 21st instead of letting Amal look through his shitty movie collection.
TC: So they went through your shitty movie collection?
NG: [spiritually offended] Dude!
TC: I'm just kidding, man. Have any details?
NG: [laughing maniacally] Well, anybody from the LA or Seattle Shatterdomes know that it's not a PPDC Rocky Horror without a shadowcast-
TC: Oh no, who did you-
NG: We got Aleksis Kaidanovsky to be Rocky! Sasha's all about it. The beard was non-negotiable, though...
TC: Oh fuck. [chuckling] That's hilarious. Who else?
NG: We're still looking for people, but Sasha's called dibs on Magenta... and I am going to respect that.
TC: As would any man who values his life. Anybody on board? Who's going to play Dr. Frank-n-Furter? You've gotta have brass balls to get up in front of the entire Shatterdome and.... it's you isn't it.
NG: I -am- qualified.
TC: Well folks, you heard it here first. Rocky Horror Picture Show on the 21st featuring Aleksis Kaidanovsky in gold shorts and Newt Geiszler in... I don't even want to think about it.
A support group will undoubtedly meet the next morning for anyone psychologically scarred by Newt's performance. For anyone who doesn't know what we're talking about- hey Nyima, could you put a wiki link up on our home page?
NT: Of course! I'm looking at it right now. The Time Warp sounds fun!
TC: Poor, sweet, Nyima.
NG: Hey Nyima, wanna be in the shadowcast?
TC: [Groans] Oh god! Newt! No! And I'm still not done with announcements! God, this show's got the attention span of a goldfish lately!
[Takes a moment to collect himself]
Oh god, it's this one.
[Agitated sigh]
As many of you know, as of yesterday at 7:00 Hong Kong time, the PPDC officially decided that all new jaeger construction will be terminated. Two Mach 6 jaeger were in the midst of development, but they've been scrapped in favor of giving the funds to the Wall of Life initiative. The fabrication facilities in Seattle, Lima, Tokyo, and...yes, Hong Kong will be shut down. The new pilot class will be the very last and kept in active PPDC service should jaeger construction resume. No word on if this affects the Jaeger Restoration Program, but if you ask me they should be getting the money, not that damned wall.
While we've dodged a bullet since we deal with deployment and restoration around here, I... I honestly don't think this is the end, folks. If the PPDC's willing to yank support from building new jaegers, then what's next? Jaegers lying in piles next to the kaiju they killed- not defeated but deactivated because some stuffed shirts wanted the easy way out? Cause our leaders went runnin' scared?
[Lengthy pause]
Sorry everybody. I wish I could finish that thought, but I just got a lovely cease-and-desist from the brass. Luckily the gag order's just for me and the LOCCENT crew so I might not be able to tell you what I think, but in a little bit we'll be sitting down with two rangers who've been affected by the program termination. And email us, tell us what you think!
I think we need a little punk to get us in the right spirit. It just so happens that I got a request from Avery Sharp last week that'll suit just nicely. Here's Warsaw by Joy Division.
[Cue:
Games Without Frontiers- Peter Gabriel
Radio Nowhere-Bruce Springsteen]
“So are you working in the lab again?”
“Heh. Yeeaaaaaah.”
“How'd the talk go?”
“Hermann cornered me after I left LOCCENT-”
“Uh-huh... aaaand?”
“Aand... I told him the truth, mostly.”
“Whaddaya mean, mostly?”
“C'mon dude, I was under immense emotional pressure! You know, it's one thing to tell a guy you've got a thing for him. It's another thing to tell him you've got something nonstandard going on in your pants...shit, do you think Nyima heard me?”
“Probably. You yell everything. Just a sec- AND YOU GOT IT FROM JAKE IN THE MAIL ROOM. THAT'S CRAZY!”
“Thanks man.”
“I'm there for you. So what'd he do?”
“He made that one face he makes when he inhales tea on accident. And he said, well, he said he needed some time to process everything. And that it's 'selfish to consider petty emotional needs at a time like this'. I mean, I can't blame him, getting all that dumped on you at once is kinda intense. But petty?”
“Well, that sucks- but you did the right thing, brother. I'm proud of you.”
“Yeaaaaah I wouldn't be. He was really pissed off about the whole playlist thing last week. So... I told him that it was your idea of playing matchmaker. The hashtag, too.”
“You helped with the hashtag! Half of the retweets are your dummy accounts!”
“I wanted to make an overwhelming and convincing argument! C'mon, man, it's easier for me if he's mad at you. And he'll totally get over it.”
“If this blows up in my face... I swear I'm gonna tell.”
“Fucking tell who what, exactly?”
“I'm gonna tell the MP that was your pot plant on the roof.”
“Dude, it'll be fine! I promise!”
“Guys! Shoshana found a bottle of sherry. It's crap cooking sherry, but it'll get the job done!”
TC: This ain't Radio Nowhere, this is Radio LOCCENT and I'm your host, Tendo Choi. That last song by the Boss was a request from dedicated listener Dale Conrad in janitorial. Well there you go Dale, and thanks for working probably one of the most underrated jobs around, pal.
We're having a little party up here in LOCCENT. I'm here with an increasingly rowdy crew that includes our sound guy Martin Leung, our talented translator and webmistress Nyima Tsarong, and for some damn reason, Dr. Newt Geiszler. Apparently you people like this asshole or something.
For those of you who are just tuning in, you missed the announcement that Alison, my wonderful wife of two years is pregnant. And that's goddamned awesome! You also missed the official statement that the PPDC is halting all new jaeger fabrication. And that goddamned sucks!
To tell us more about how much this goddamned sucks are two folks personally impacted by the decision, let's give a big welcome to Rangers Suzie Flying Man and Matt Murphy!
[Supportive whoops and applause from LOCCENT. They sound sloppier than usual.]
TC: Welcome to the show you guys. And sorry for that slip earlier Matt.
MM: S'all right Tendo, I should've popped you an email earlier and let you know.
TC: I should at least be a gracious host and offer you some of this cheap ass hooch we've got.
SFM: Abso-fucking-lutely!
MM: Yeahnah, I'll pass. Congrats to you and your wife on the podling.
TC: Thanks! So why don't you tell the viewers about yourselves and your part in the recent clusterfuck.
SFM: I'm Suzie Flying Man.
MM: And I'm Matt AKA Meg Murphy.
SFM & MM: [in unison] And those bastards scrapped our jaeger!
TC: Care to elaborate, guys?
MM: Yessir we do. Suzie and I were second team in line waiting on our jaeger assignment.
SFM: They gave us 8, 10 months tops before we could do prelim runs. And that's on top of the four we were waiting after we graduated from the academy
MM: And that's on top of the 11 months it took getting through the academy.
SFM: And that's on top of the 3 months it took us to save and raise the money to get us to Anchorage for training since the PPDC wouldn't cough up a damn cent.
TC: Damn, that's rough.
MM: That's nothing. The Hualpas, the team ahead of us from Lima- they've been waiting seven months longer'n us.
TC: So what are your plans now that you've been placed on stand-by until further notice?
NG: Or forever! [pause, then sheepish] you know... same thing.
TC: Newt, dude-
SFM: Nah, little guy's right. We ain't holding our breaths that the PPDC will have some magical change of heart.
MM: Nossir, we're not gonna wait around getting rusty like some of the other rangers.
TC: Are you leaving the corps?
MM: And go back to the res with our tails between our legs? Fuck no. What kind of people're we to ditch the fight in the middle of the war?
[Off microphone: The PPDC!]
SFM: I'll drink to that, pal! But no, we've joined the public security force. If we can't fight some kaiju, we're gonna help keep people safe.
TC: And what else? Says here you'd like to talk about an organization you're involved with?
SFM: Yep! The Pan-Pacific Public Safety Foundation.
MM: They're a charity that builds kaiju shelters in low-income parts of cities.
SFM: It's a major problem! Most of the shelters available in poorer neighborhoods are either pieces of shit or nonexistant.
MM: And that's a lot coming from us, we grew up in HUD housing.
TC: That's awesome. I wish you two the best of luck with the bunker building. It's great that you guys still want to save lives even without the giant robot.
SFM: Hey Tendo, this broadcast goes on the internet, right?
TC: The transcript and the show's available on our website!
SFM: Awesome! Well then-
SFM & MM: [in unison] Posoh Menominee country! We miss you! We promise we're kicking ass and washing behind our ears!
TC: Thanks for coming on the show, Rangers, it's been an honor. Do you guys have any requests for the next set?
MM: Wouldn't say no to some Rage Against the Machine... kinda fits right now, am I right?
TC: You've got it! Coming up after this set, Radio LOCCENT will be answering your questions, unless the PPDC shuts us down first for sedition. In that case, it's been fucking real, Shatterdome.
[Cue:
Bombtrack- Rage Against the Machine
All Along the Watchtower- Jimi Hendrix
Day After Tomorrow- Tom Waits]
TC: Welcome back to Radio LOCCENT, folks. Got a little misty there, didn't it? That last song was from that junkman virtuoso, Mr. Tom Waits- as if you couldn't tell by the voice. Although I gotta say, the Crass track was a nice touch, Newt.
NG: Toldja! I play that one in the lab all the time, pisses off Hermann but I think he secretly likes it!
TC: That's a disturbing mental image... Newt.. Newt.. put the bottle down, it's empty.
[Sound of bottle clanking on the floor]
NG: Awww....
TC: Nothing's sadder'n an empty bottle. But nothing's better'n listener emails! Nyima, you got that mailbag ready, girl?
NT: I've got some really good ones qeued!
TC: Excellent, sock it to us!
NT: This question comes from Dale in janitorial
TC: THE Dale in janitorial?
NT: The very same Dale! They want to know [giggles] want to know if Martin is single!
[Various groans and amused hollers from LOCCENT]
ML: Oh my god, really?
NG: Marty, looks like you've got a fan in janitorial!
TC: Marty looks happy to have a fan anywhere.
ML: Hey! Hey! I have a fan! And Dale, I have a girlfriend I've been seeing for a while now. Her name's Mei-Li, she a Hong Kong girl.
TC: Well if it doesn't work out, Marty, you know where to find the rebound. Next question, Nyima?
NT: Rory wants to know, “Hey Tendo, how exactly did that scuffle with Newt over the playlist for Dr. Gottleib go?”
TC: Well Rory, I can sum it up personally with one word: Painful. How did it go for you Newt?
NG: Yeah, well, after I put you in the headlock and screamed into your ear some I figured I'd exacted appropriate vengeance.
TC: Dude, I couldn't hear out of that ear for a day.
NG: [slams table] It was appropriate for pulling that shit! I was so embarrassed-
TC: -okay. Okay. Put the death screech away. Geez, man.
NT: Oh here's a nice one for you, Tendo! Felicia Gardiner in Human Resources asks: 'Tendo' um.. 'dayam man, how you so stylish?'”
TC: Sheer talent Felicia. And a few trips to the thrift store, not going to lie.
NG: With thrift store clothes and too much pomade, you too can look like the 11th doctor's pimp!
TC: [chuckles] Don't insult the swag just because you don't have any there, Dr. Buddy Holly.
ML: Girls, girls. You're both pretty.
NT: Ya! Oh dear... Tendo! We've got an email from Dr. Gottleib again. It's not a request or a question, however.
NG: Oh mein Gott, Nyima- don't read it!
TC: Read it, Nyima!
NG: Be a pal, Nyima!
TC: As your commanding officer I demand that you read it Nyima.
NG: [incoherent whine]
NT: Sorry Newt. If it's bad I'll stop! It says, “Dear Tendo Choi. I have come to understand that the playlist and juvenile twitter hashtag were your abominable creations and as my reputation was damaged as a result, I demand an apology for myself and Dr. Geiszler. Honestly, while my colleague is a certified genius, you are a man of great insensitivity and little moral to place him in a situation where his naturally anxious, overexcitable demeanor would be abused for the sake of public entertainment. It is as deplorable as bearbaiting, in that sense. In addition, I demand this apology on air so everyone understands how puerile you are.' Oh dear...”
NG: [groans, chair squeaks as he slums into it] Ach, Hölle!
TC: Know what? You're completely right, Dr. Gottleib. Sometimes you've just gotta come out and eat crow. I'm really sorry my joke got out of hand, Doc, it started with good intentions but... you know what they say about those. And I guess on that note, I'm sorry Newt.
NG: It's uh- it's okay um, Tendo. You just. It got out of hand. And I'm sorry I went all WWE on you last week.
NT: I'm sorry I had to read the letter, Newt.
ML: [beaming] And I'm not sorry for anything!
TC: [sigh] Good for you, Marty. On that... penitent note. It's time to send this show into the Drift. Hope you guys don't chase any RABITS- sharing our audio bridge next is Noriko Kondo with the J-Pop hour and then BBC world service until dawn. From everybody at LOCCENT: goodnight, sleep tight, and don't let the kaiju bite.
[aside]
And munitions, if I hear that Alison is lifting anything over fifteen pounds after her first trimester, so help me-
[Sign off music. Happy Trails- Van Halen]
[End of transmission]