Work Text:
It was late at night and Tord was up watching his super hot anime hentai that he totally watched for the plot and not for the jiggly wobbly titties. The room was completely dark except for the glow of the TV screen and he was alone, the only one awake. These humongous fucking funbags flopping all over the screen were so hot it started to give him a boner. His dick was so hard right now he just couldn’t resist the urge to whip it out.
But just as he was about to do so he heard a noise. It was footsteps! Edd had woken up in the middle of the night, probably to go take a piss or something. Tord figured so long as Edd didn’t come into the living room, he would be safe. But he was very, very wrong. Edd instead was getting up with the intention of fixing himself a midnight snack. Which, in order to get into the kitchen, he’d have to cross through the living room. Oh no…
So Edd tiredly walked into the room and he saw everything! The glorious glistening hentai boobs as they moved on the screen, the high pitched anime girl moans of “SUGOIIII!!!!”, and Tord’s massive hard-on. We’re talking huge cock here folks. This is some moho-milk ass shit going on. “Oh Tordy-poo,” Edd cried in shock. “What are you doing?!” Tord began to panic, painfully shoving his conk back into his pants. “Eddy Teddy! Please, it’s not what it looks like!!” He pleaded, but it was too late. The sight of Edd made Tord so horny that his dick grew a mind of its own and broke free!”
“I’m so sorry Edd, I can’t hide it any longer.” Tord said, beginning to become emotional. His silver orbs watered with tears of salt and longing. “I love you, I think you’re beautiful. And judging by how hot and bothered I am right now, so does my meat stick. Every time I watch as the lovely women of japanese animated pornography get down with their screams of “EYAAAAAA” and “AH!!!” all I can think of is what it would sound like if it was your voice. Please, my cola loving comrade… Will you be my bad boy?”
Edd began to weep as the hentai suddenly changed to a Naruto AMV set to Cascada playing at a blaring volume, It probably would have woken Tom and Matt except the thing is they’re both dead because of a meteor that wiped out all straight people (Tom is gay but he couldn’t stand the idea of living in a world without Matt so he offed himself)
Edd and Tord then began to make extreme love to each other to Every Time We Touch, as Edd put his thingy in Tord’s you-know-what and they did it!!! They were screaming so loud and hard, Tord though he might get an orgasm!!
“Eddy!!! I think I’m going to cum!” he shouted out as his schlong was pulsing more and more by the second. “Me too!” said Edd, and without warning, he unloaded his man yogurt into Tord’s yummy little butthole. Tord cried out, but just before he released his huge load, his dick transformed into a gun. His orgasm was still powerful and felt so good, but it caused the gun to shoot off. The bullet ricocheted off the walls until it hit Edd and killed him he was gone and now Tord was alone. Tord cried again, screaming and cursing at the death of his new love. Edd’s dead dick was still hard because if one dies with a boner the boner is still there long after they’re dead (it’s true look it up) so Tord had to awkwardly climb off of it. He cried himself to sleep that night.
-
About a month later Tord and Matt (who inexplicably came back to life) were discussing plans for Edd’s funeral when Matt began to notice something different. “Tord, you’ve been getting awful fat lately. Why, you look pregnant!” He laughed. “What? Impossible!” shouted Tord. “I’m a dude Matt and if I was pregnant the baby would be an ass baby and that’s just fucking dumb and more importantly impossible” he stated matter-of-factly.
“But don’t you think it’d be worth it to check?” asked Matt.
“Fine!!” Tord roared, throwing his hands into the air defensively. So he got a pregnancy test that they just so happened to have lying around the house for no reason and sure enough when he took it…. It came up positive! But wait, that meant that Edd must be the father, because Edd was Tord’s first and only love. What would he do?? Having this baby grow up with one of it’s fathers dead, Tord began to sob at the mere thought. He cried and cried and cried for about 63 hours before finally Matt came to comfort him and convince him to take a nap.
Tord was very very tired, so much that when he took his nap it lasted the whole nine months of the pregnancy and he didn’t wake back up until he was going into labour. And against all laws of how the human body works, he just shat the baby right out onto the couch. Fresh, home grown anus baby. What he saw when he picked it up to look at its face though… was horrifying.
THE BABY WAS SANS UNDERTALE!
Tord stared into the skeleton's cold, dead, and empty eyes. He couldn't believe the monster he'd created. And in the menacing voice of Tumblr User Jollywander, sans spoke to him.
"i ain't never gettin better yeehaw."