Chapter Text
Hinata returned to his previous pose as soon as he got confirmation of the stranger's identity, damning his own terrible luck at least a thousand times before deciding to sit as well on the other side of the bronze made object. That way, he wouldn't see the incredibly infuriating individual that was Nagito Komaeda, and the other wouldn't spew any of his bullshit to him.
He definitely didn't leave his cottage to meet him out of everyone, the luckster was really the last person he wished to see. Not that he was in a particularly social mood; quite the contrary actually, but at least the other students knew how to shut up when there was no need to talk.
The bench was cold and rather rough, and it took quite a lot of shifting in order to get comfortable, which was rather hard to do without making any sound. The carefulness he had to use left him even more restless, and he thought of going back to his cottage immediately, but he couldn't really resolve himself to it: getting out had been such an appalling thought that returning just like that was depressing.
Despite Komaeda's presence, he didn't have any desire to leave this place at all. It was surprisingly soothing in fact, especially with the high pitched music that was still pleasant. The brunet figured that as long as the other couldn't see him, everything was relatively fine.
There wasn't much to do, he could only watch the back of the clock from here, which wasn't insanely interesting. Besides, the gears clearly weren't the first thing he wanted to observe.
Bringing his knees up to his chest so he could rest his head on them, Hinata turned his gaze to the sky. The pose wasn't exactly what he would call comfortable, with the way it was twisting his back, but he wanted to avoid unnecessary movement that would risk drawing attention to him. He wished for his presence to stay unknown to the other.
The sky was as bright as it was when Hinata stared at it back in his dark cottage, maybe even lighter now that he was outside. It was entertaining at first, to keep looking at the stars shining with all their might, it truly was a nice sight after all.
However, after some time, he got bored of stargazing, especially since he was getting more and more self conscious of his own behavior. It was ridiculous, after all, facing Komaeda was literally the last thing he wanted to do right now, but it was obvious he was being ludicrous. It was extremely childish of him to avoid the luckster like this, ignoring him, refusing to listen to any of his words. Didn't he form a bond with Komaeda before this trial? He wasn't such a stranger, he didn't completely change his whole behavior.
It was better, for his sake, to actually talk with the other, to prevent any other of the murders he could have planned. He knew what Komaeda was capable of now, Hinata wouldn't be taken aback anymore by his schemes or strange reactions. If he could manage to understand the white haired boy at least a little, maybe then he would be able to predict and avoid anymore of these disasters. Indeed everything wasn't about him, there were still risks, there would always be the threat of a murder. But maybe, he could help it.
His mind was so foggy he couldn't exactly think straight, but even from his clouded conscience it sounded like a bad idea. A really terrible one. One he did anyway, not completely knowing why he even cared about the other.
The brunet got up slowly, stretching his muscles before walking into the other's view, sitting again on the bench next to the one where the other didn't move at all. Komaeda gave no sign of acknowledgment at first which unnerved Hinata, who decided nonetheless that he would wait for the luckster to notice him. He could wait as well, after all. If Komaeda planned to make him leave with ignoring him, well it wasn't going to succeed.
Hinata kept waiting but the luckster never gave him any sign of acknowledgment, as if he was ignoring him purposefully. Damn, he knew perfectly how to unnerve everyone here! But then getting angry won't solve anything, especially if that was what Komaeda was searching for. Drawing quick, uneasy breaths to calm himself a bit, Hinata tried to look at least a bit composed before talking.
"Are you gonna ignore me the whole night?"
Komaeda widened his eyes immediately, turning to face the other. Surprise was the first emotion that came, along with the gratifying thought that Hinata would like to talk to him. Of course, he figured the brunet would prefer to act as if he'd never existed. The luckster expected the other to blame him for the mess that had been the trial, and he couldn't be more right. He was the one who started this mutual killing that they were probably now all wishing could stop there, and he accepted his guilt.
"Ah, I apologize, I didn't think you would want me to speak."
Upon seeing Hinata's incredulous eyes, he quickly added, "you didn't really seem eager to start a conversation. Quite the contrary actually," without commenting further his behavior. His aim wasn't to bring criticism on his reactions, far from it. It would be far too presumptuous of him.
Hinata seemed to understand he wished to drop the matter, and didn't respond. However this time it wasn't a matter of ignoring each others’ presence. The silence was something they both wanted in this calm night, as if words themselves were useless in this situation. They were the ones who wore all this incomprehension, these violent reactions. None of them could tell at all how the other felt, so they decided in a mutual agreement that was not worded that they'd better not speak about it.
They could enjoy silence around each other, with someone around them that was yet barely there, present but not giving any sign of their existence. It was enough though, Komaeda wouldn't dare to ask Hinata to talk with him. The fact that he was around someone like him was incredible enough and he didn't want to ruin it, and make him leave. He realized it was selfish of him to want him to stay here, and reassured himself with the thought that it was also mostly because he would never go against Hinata's desires. Of course he wouldn't allow himself to be so self centered.
He returned to his contemplation of the clock, but it seemed sort of dull now, as if it was the last thing he should pay attention to. He was still acutely aware of the other's presence next to him, closer than it felt at first. When did he come next to him? Casting a little glance on the side, Komaeda realized the brunet didn't move at all and it made him frown. For some reason, it felt as if he could sense Hinata's body heat though there was still distance between them, the benches separated.
He allowed himself a knowing smile. Of course, why would someone as admirable as Hinata want to associate himself with him? It was already a miracle in itself he didn't leave yet.
What was a comforting silence turned into an awkward one for the luckster from this moment on, not knowing how he should act. Should he keep quiet or maybe even leave and let Hinata be? He would surely be better alone than with someone as detestable as him. Especially since he was probably holding a grudge, which was perfectly normal!
“What is it that made you come?” He finally inquired after many long minutes of hesitation, inciting Hinata to start a little the conversation, without necessity of making it long. The luckster didn't really know what the other wished. It seemed he wanted to talk to him, but then he looked content with the silence as well, which puzzled Komaeda even further.
“I heard music so I came to see, though it's mostly insomnia. I would still be lying in my bed if it wasn't for it.” Hinata said naturally, as if he had no reservations of telling the white haired boy that he had trouble sleeping. He was making it normal to be remorseful, troubled, admitting the situation was bothering him without finding it an issue and it disturbed Komaeda to no end.
“You know you shouldn't say that, Hinata-kun. You've just explained you're in a weakened state! What if a malevolent person attacked you?”
“Like you for example?” was the only response he got, short and laced with sarcasm, thus he decided to push him a bit further.
“Yes, I could! You don't know everything I'm capable of,” the luckster exclaimed with an infuriating smile, but it didn't seem to work on Hinata considering the exasperated sigh he gave him.
“Drop the act, you wouldn't kill me here. Or at least if you did it would be easy to guess you're the culprit. I guess I'm not the only one who saw you here tonight,” he explained out of desperation more than anything else, telling himself that even if Komaeda made a second murder attempt, they wouldn't all die. Though he probably just wouldn't because it would be far too much for them, two trials in the space of a few hours. Especially without his own deductive skills. But he really shouldn't think about this.
“Ah that's right!” Komaeda exclaimed, his face brightened with the change of subject. “Koizumi did come as well, a few hours ago I think. She contemplated the trees, listened a little to the music and even cracked a little smile on her worried face. I didn't show up though, I figured I would bother her and I'd rather not drown you all in despair.”
Hinata was taken aback at his words, not knowing how to process the information. It was so unlike every aspect of him he had seen in the trial! He wouldn't have tried to talk to Koizumi and spew his twisted ideals out of... respect for her? Did Komaeda understand it was the last thing she wanted to hear?
It was extremely surprising and confusing, but it reminded him a little of the Komaeda he used to know before the mutual killing started. He had changed his behavior, that was for sure, but maybe his new character wasn't completely unknown to the brunet.
Without knowing it, they had fallen once again in silence, as if it was natural; the right thing to do, and words only disturbed this normality. It was strange, for it to feel so instinctive but Hinata surely preferred Komaeda when he wasn't speaking.
Here, his presence could be kind of enjoyable, when he wasn't giving any sign to remind Hinata of how the situation went down so fast, how two of his friends were killed, how the one he actually trusted betrayed him to start these murders. Yes, he could stand the luckster when he wasn't looking to him, and when he wasn't talking. Meaning, almost never.
He glanced at the clock Komaeda was looking at so fervently, and wondered why this object in particular had to be so interesting. It was weird, it was another bad omen and he didn't want to think about it at all – he'd rather forget anything about their actual situation right now – yet the luckster was staring at the maroon pendulum as if completely entranced. What was up with him again?
“Why are you looking at it so much?” Hinata asked aloud, voicing his thoughts without being completely aware of it. When he realized he'd actually asked, he shrugged in disinterest. It didn't really matter anyway.
Instead of answering his question, Komaeda inquired a new one. “Do you know I've always been fascinated by time? It symbolizes so many things, it's really interesting. The passing of time is like despair, eating slowly your life until you don't have anything left. However, unlike this trivial notion, time is an unstoppable force and is a global concern. People as fantastic as you wouldn't fall in the decline of despair anyway.”
“The time, really? It's such an average concern, I didn't expect you to be so interested in it.” Hinata responded with a disinterested look.
"Not the time itself, Hinata-kun. The passing of time. It's fascinating, don't you think? Ah, you probably don't get it, but if I may, have you ever heard of Ronsard?"
The incredulous look was enough of an answer.
"It's a famous French poet! He'd written a lot of poems about this, passing time and old age. I guess time and death are sort of poetic themes for some people." He explained with a breathy sigh in the last part, and if Hinata ached to ask why he didn't think so himself, he didn't inquire anything.
"But maybe that's because there isn't much of this time left for me," he whispered in a low tone, as if he read his thoughts. The glum look he wore made Hinata shiver a little, dread slowly creeping at the thought of such a bad omen.
It was obviously not made to be heard, with how discrete Komaeda had tried to be, but this time curiosity got the best of the brunet. Why did he bring the time subject up anyway? It was as if he had something to say, yet refused to give a straight answer and instead dropped little clues for Hinata to collect one by one for him to one day understand the mystery that was Komaeda.
"What do you mean?" his tone may have been a bit forceful but he was kind of frustrated at how hard it was to get an actual answer from the luckster.
But the second he imagined maybe he could actually have the right answer, Komaeda's strange mood made an 180° turn and he suddenly turned so cheerful Hinata had to wonder if he had faked his previous state of mind.
"This clock of course Hinata-kun!" He chirped quickly and it felt too forced to be true. "Can't you see? There is merely two weeks left."
As soon as the words left his mouth, a sense of uneasiness crept up in the air and Hinata almost groaned. Of course Komaeda had to put on an excuse, this guy could never really tell the truth, the brunet told himself with a frustrated huff. However, the speed at which the other changed the subject hit him forcefully and he couldn't help but ask himself what kind of secret Komaeda could be hiding again. It ought to matter for the white haired boy though, it was unlikely he would have bothered making such a suspicious excuse if it wasn't the case.
The brunet's look was disillusioned but the luckster didn't seem to notice (or mind it), his eyes focused on some non-living object instead of him, in what was only a mimicry of his previous respect for Hinata's wishes: Komaeda was only avoiding his gaze now, his brows still furrowed as if, no matter how much he tried, he couldn't suppress the worry on his face, the easy smile long gone.
He looked sort of perturbed, though Hinata couldn't really see why, settling them into silence once again, but this time the brunet didn't intend to let go. He searched for a way to push the luckster in the conversation and quickly found out.
"What are you doing here anyway?"
If Komaeda was chagrined by the question, he didn't appear like it the slightest, turning his neutral gaze – he had managed to compose himself without having Hinata even notice it and it brought a wave a frustration – to him.
"I already told you Hinata-kun, I've been waiting here for someone to possibly show up, and it seems I was lucky enough for you to." He responded sharply, and for a long minute Hinata almost thought he would stop here – after all he was everything but talkative tonight, as surprising as it was.
"Can I return the question? I didn't take you for a sleep-walker," the white haired boy continued with his left eyebrow lifting expectantly, sensing the other's impatience.
"I'm not sleep-walking!" The supposed Ultimate shouted, not understanding the deliberate infuriating effect the other gave to his words. "I couldn't sleep because of the trial."
“Because of you” was far too heavy on his tongue for him to actually say it.
Komaeda actually had the decency to appear a bit saddened for a second before turning back into his usual annoying self.
From how delighted Komaeda looked, he almost regretted changing the subject, though it wasn't as if he actually wanted to pressure the other on a conversation. He was already hardly standing the mere fact of talking to him (though the eerily peaceful atmosphere of the night on this tropical island where a sinister event just happened was probably helping it a lot).
He hadn't left though, Hinata just realized with a bit of a sharp inhale at the thought – and he hoped Komaeda wouldn't notice it, but of course this clever bastard was so perceptive he surely did – though he could have at any time. The luckster's presence wasn't repulsive or anything in itself, it was a shame his acts made him so bound to be hated.
Recalling what he claimed at the trial was easy, and Hinata realized he actually wanted to understand Komaeda, to get why he was making such twisted actions for the name of hope. He couldn't really tell if it was really – as he told himself previously this night – to avoid any other murders and stop his schemes. Maybe he also wanted to understand Komaeda because it was hard telling himself the first person he truly trusted and considered as his friend wasn't at all.
Or perhaps it was only because Komaeda was surprisingly fatalistic, as if he truly expected them to hate him but didn't actually mind. However it didn't stop him from being friendly – a terribly weird contrast – without trying to get their sympathy. It made absolutely no sense to Hinata, why he would revere them that much.
He didn't know if he could say he liked the luckster. It would be weird of him considering how the other betrayed him – fooled him into thinking he was a kind and soothing individual – but then Hinata naturally had more of a neutral than opposed attitude towards the white haired boy. Saying he hated Komaeda would be inaccurate. Hinata was still mad, he blamed him for the murders and the trial, though it didn't mean he would hate him.
Nanami told him he had to be careful of everyone, himself included, because they were in a murderous atmosphere and a mood of despair, they might do several things they would never have done if they weren't here. They were students, none of them were murderers. Instead of turning against each other, they should support themselves.
From his claims, it would be surprising to think Komaeda would be in despair, though Hinata didn't really know him enough to assume. Would the other have acted like this outside of the island? He really doubted it. He could blame him, get mad temporarily, but he couldn't hate someone that wasn't in their right mind, no matter how much he wanted to.
He had mostly decided to follow Nanami's advices and opinions because she was the only one to actually inspire peace.
He didn't forget Komaeda used to as well.
There was a heavy thought on his tongue that had been threatening to slip since the beginning of their conversation, and, though he wasn't particularly eager to ask – he sort of feared the kind of answer he would get – he felt as if he really should. It wasn't completely right to say he had come only to ask it, but it couldn't be so far from the truth.
"Komaeda?" The voice was dissociated enough for the other to turn around, even though nothing was really asked yet. There was a long silence where the luckster only waited for him to continue, eyebrows lifted slightly in anticipation, but nothing came.
The brunet suddenly became insecure, hesitant about the next question he was going to voice. Komaeda gave him a gentle smile, deeming it would be inappropriate to say anything, and after a moment Hinata's mouth opened again.
"Why did you want to start the mutual killings?"
Komaeda cut him off as soon as he muttered the words, refusing to answer.
“No, don't ask me that. You know the answer and you don't want me to tell you again.” He was absolutely firm, and looked sort of saddened – disappointed – in a way that Hinata couldn't understand.
“Don't live in the past Hinata-kun. You don't need to torment yourself with guilt, nothing in this situation is your fault.”
His tone was deeply serious, and the speech was surprisingly reasonable, quite unlike the Komaeda he had seen in the trial and for the first time, but surely not the last. The strange idea that perhaps (but it was just a supposition, right?) the luckster may have exaggerated his behavior in the courtroom hit him.
“Except if you're sided with Monobear and you brought us here of course!” The sentence was uttered jokingly but an unexpected pit of dread filled Hinata's stomach. He would never admit to anyone that his throat clenched so much he started to doubt himself and his actual implications in all of this. Didn't Monobear tell them about stolen memories? No, no he was just another student, he needed to stop thinking the contrary. He wouldn't be able to prove it anyway.
“Don't put on this kind of face! Haha, of course it isn't right, how foolish it would be of me to believe you could be the mastermind!” Komaeda exclaimed, interrupting his running thoughts once again.
It seemed the other was trying to reassure him, his hands lifted a little defensively. His body language was so terrible that Hinata almost inquired if he was doing that on purpose before thinking it didn't mattered anyway.
“You can blame me as much as you want, if calling me responsible can help you I'll gladly accept the guilt. But don't feel down because of their death. As much as you can wish it, you cannot bring them back, so it's pointless to let it bother you. You need to overcome it, Hinata-kun I know you can!”
And he might blame the luckster, he might still be suspicious about him, but, oh, he was listening to all of his words, carefully, while the other's tales about hope spilled from his mouth like prayers and Hinata couldn't stop himself from listening and wanting to believe them. He was sort of really desperate himself even though he absolutely refused to voice it, and Komaeda strangely made sense.
He didn't want to think about what happened earlier in the night, or to have the other show his insane ideals again. Hinata wanted Komaeda to turn back to the individual he once was, in the great friend that had supported him during the investigation. Deep down, he was aware this was an illusion, a dream impossible to realize, but when the luckster was so optimistic... it was really hard not to listen as eagerly as he was.
Hinata snapped out of his trance when this desperate, crooked expression appeared on Komaeda's face and he didn't even bother to listen, knowing it would just be a rant; another rambling on his twisted views about hope. He groaned when he realized the other, acting like the smug bastard he was, just took advantage of his current emotional confusion to try and convince him he was right.
His change of expression made the luckster shut his mouth immediately, and Hinata grimaced. How did Komaeda even manage to make him believe it would better for him to listen to all of his words? Nothing good could come from this guy's mouth.
The brunet was simply drawn to the luckster, he just couldn't stop himself from being interested by everything about him, even though he was terribly infuriating. Somehow, he wanted to understand Komaeda but this one seemed sort of reluctant to let him, as if he wanted to keep distance by the silence he was perpetuating.
It was disconcerting and Hinata didn't know what to make of it, not yet, not on the night right after the trial. He couldn't exactly think clearly, and trying to resolve his personal issues with the white-haired boy was giving him a terrible headache. He just wanted to end it as soon as possible and go back at his cottage.
But no one was preventing him from doing so, he realized shortly after, and certainly not Komaeda. He wasn't bound to stay here or anything. Yet, no matter how annoyed he was progressively getting at the conversation that was always aborted by the other, he didn't want to leave yet. He had to do one more thing at least! Hinata was more stubborn than Komaeda probably imagined, and he wanted the answer the luckster never gave him, even if it had to come with provocation.
The white haired boy will tell him why exactly he wanted to start this mess.
"Are you gonna keep this act up the whole night? Can't you just tell me whatever you want to say and stop cutting yourself off all the time?!" Hinata complained with a huff that sounded kind of pathetic and ridiculous more than anything else. "I didn't think you would be so narcissistic, Komaeda." He stated as a matter of fact, to restore the reproach he previously failed to give.
The other immediately let out a yelp of disapprobation and from where he was, Hinata noticed his legs jerking when he adjusted his pose, straightening his back unlike his previous, probably more comfortable one. His left hand's fingers started drumming erratically on his thigh as his whole body was quivering slightly, as if under the influence of a devouring emotion.
The look the luckster was giving was so offended that it puzzled the brunet. Of course, he had expected him to be mad, but this display of emotion was so unlike his natural demeanor that it caught Hinata off guard. Besides, he wasn't angry but really frustrated at his mischaracterization, as if it was almost sinful for him to even dream of himself being superior to them in any way.
"Of course not!" The luckster replied hastily, nervous desperation evident on his face. "I would never dare to be as presumptuous as ignoring you or going against your wishes Hinata-kun! I told you, you can ask me everything you want and I'll do it for you. It's all you deserve after all, what am I if I can't even help – as useless as I might be – the Ultimates? It's really not.. accurate to think I would be narcissistic. On the contrary! I stopped because I thought it would bother you if I uttered a single more word. Your expression was frightening you know!"
It was an empty confession, there was nothing behind his words but at least the brunet congratulated himself at succeeding to make the other react, even though said reaction was really weird. Was he really so austere with himself?
This was the biggest understatement he had ever made, with how self-deprecating Komaeda had been in the trial. It had appeared a little before, in his incredible admiration of the school and – especially – its students, but Hinata had never seen this facet of him before the resolving of the murder. Thinking he was so inferior to them... It was so fucked up that the brunet had thought at first he was doing it to bring pity on him but this theory was definitely proven false with this sole conversation.
Komaeda said he didn't mind if Hinata considered him guilty. He would not hold a grudge if they hated him. It wasn't that he didn't care about their opinion, but he thought he was a despicable being himself and it perplexed the supposed-talented boy to no end.
He noticed he had never answered but the other didn't seem to wait for him anyway so he didn't bother. There was nothing more to be said about it, Komaeda was already hard to stand and Hinata didn't want to deal with his self-hate right now; though apparently his silent wish wasn't granted since the other started to speak a while after.
“Hinata-kun?” The inquiring, yet not hesitant, voice picked the spiky haired boy's interest immediately.
“There's one point I'd like to clear. Back at the trial...” He almost cut him off immediately with a furious hiss, presuming it would end once again in those godforsaken hope rants Komaeda seemed to cherish. Although, if his animosity had been visible, the other paid it no mind at all, merely ignoring his expression painted with disgust and sorrow, continuing his speech after a few seconds of silence.
"You looked so astonished when I told you it had been my doing all along."
He stopped abruptly and Hinata had to calm down the urge of just hitting him and his smug smile.
"Almost as if you didn't expect it." He added, a weird glimmer shining in his eyes and Hinata had to remind himself that Komaeda was dangerous – his mind was completely twisted – to resist to the growing desire of making him shut up in any way possible. Who knows what he could do? He said he wouldn't kill anyone, but the brunet couldn't be sure of his safety. After all, Komaeda had tried to start the mutual killings, even if he miraculously survived.
Perhaps the other could have even killed him from the beginning of their conversation.
Right.
Who was he kidding? There wasn't any resemblance of safety on this island, especially not in Komaeda's presence. Why was he staying anyway? There was nothing he could do or make the other admit. And even if he knew his motivations – in reality wasn't he already aware of them – what difference would it make? The luckster talked about hope, though Hinata couldn't really determine what it meant for him – it wouldn't bring him anything.
Living was good enough here, he couldn't let himself care about other people and try to protect everyone when he wasn't even sure of his survival. He really had to be cautious, especially around Komaeda because he couldn't know what could be running in the other's mind. Alters were dangerous, he had to tell himself, and he must be careful. Staying alone next to the luckster was the worst thing he could do.
He should leave right now, he really ought to. He had seriously underestimated the risk, there was still a chance that Komaeda...
That he could understand Komaeda and prevent a murder? If he could understand everyone, couldn't he make sure no one will kill?
Hinata kind of hated himself when he realized he wasn't moving at all. The feeling didn't linger though, since at this moment the other started speaking again and it was clear Hinata wasn't leaving from the way he was listening – far too eagerly for his taste, but he couldn't exactly stop himself from being so interested.
"Were you surprised because I appeared as a conformist?"
He would have liked to say he had barely heard the luckster's voice over the silent sound of his exasperated thoughts – because he really was angry and Komaeda really deserved to go to hell (but not really) for infuriating him so much – but he caught every single word (they were crystal clear even if the other was talking lowly, almost muttering) and they probably couldn't strike him any more.
It was odd to have the white haired boy talking about conformism when he really was anything but respecting the norms.
His inquiring, puzzled gaze startled Komaeda into a speech once again.
"Ah, I assume you're really not the Super High School Level Sociologist." His tone was light, sort of playful, and if he didn't know better Hinata would almost believe what he saw was an actual wink.
Damn, he was messing with him again!
But it wasn't as annoying as he would have liked to make it look. It felt surprisingly... nice. A familiar feeling, a few words that lightened the atmosphere, a kind of flirty..
What the hell?
But Hinata didn't have time to ponder on his misreading of the situation and weird impressions he got because the other was speaking again, his face wearing a serious yet friendly look, and he could almost marvel at how good Komaeda was at acting so nice after killing.
"Before the trial Hinata-kun." He was suddenly very matter of factly, as if talking about a perfectly normal situation. "You remember it, right?"
The answer was so obvious he didn't bother responding, even if he knew the other might take it the wrong way. Of course, how could he forget the only sort of pleasant moment he had spent here, before this atmosphere of murder actually settled itself?
"The first sociology notions are norms and values. Not in the entire society but in our social group. The sixteen of us carry particular values as you probably already guessed." He started to explain and Hinata didn't miss the way he still counted the dead as if they were still in their midst.
"It's not about your acts, but mostly about your general behavior. People carry a judgment about you that changes based on whether or not you respect the informal rules." His explanation was clear, detailed, but Hinata still didn't get what he meant to say.
"Remember how worried you were when we first arrived? Everyone was anxious but you seemed really fearful, as if you knew it would turn like this."
"I didn't! I could never have guessed that!" Hinata almost shouted, thinking the other was accusing him.
"Of course not!" Komaeda agreed, his hands raising as if to tell him he ought to calm down. "I'm not saying you could have prevented it or anything. Even I wouldn't have been able to! I can't even control this pitiful excuse of a talent I have."
Hinata would have liked to make him tell more but the luckster continued and the peculiar feeling he got at hearing Komaeda blaming it on his luck went to the back of his mind.
"What I'm saying is that you weren't respecting the values of the group. We had decided to hide our fear and show friendship, kindness. However you always stayed on edge, suspicious of everything. This doubt is what helped you resolve this investigation, but it made you indirectly transgress the group's values."
Hinata nodded in understanding, finally getting what was the other's point. Komaeda had always tried to get integrated, appear like someone else, even push them to rely on each other.
“It's not like that! I was close to someone, before this trial, see? I'm not as isolated as you're saying.” Hinata didn't want to give any name at first, waiting for the other's reaction, but even though Komaeda looked sort of frustrated, he didn't answer anything.
“I used to liked you, you were always so calming, as if you truly thought nothing bad could happen. I can't believe you did that.”
There was absolutely no change in the luckster's expression, as if he didn't mind at all.
"You were always supporting everyone! Was it all an act? Did you plan this all along? I just can't believe it."
It was foolish, when he had all the proof he needed, but it was still true. It felt so.. surreal.
"I didn't plan anything before the motive Hinata-kun. I was just waiting for it to begin at first but something pushed me to start it."
And there he was, hiding things again. Komaeda was so annoying when he absolutely refused to give a straight answer.
"What could be in these memories that you feared enough to try killing someone?" The brunet asked, his eyebrows raised in expectation. It wasn't hard to understand there was something particular Komaeda wasn't talking about. Did he miss someone, like Hanamura? Hinata could hardly imagine it, for some reason.
"No, it's nothing to even be anxious about, it's only about the time left for me here. You don't need to worry about it Hinata-kun! I ensure you it's only my concern. Besides, as long as it's only me, it's alright isn't it?" Hinata didn't get what he meant anyway but it was easy to understand, even for him, that Komaeda was trying to drift his focus away, make his attention on his stop.
It was aggravating because the luckster did notice the brunet tended not to be as worried as usual when it was about him, and Komaeda was using it as a pretense.
It puzzled him even further because this wasn't the way the white haired boy usually acted. What could be bothering him so much that he would need to use such petty ways? Komaeda was clearly reluctant to tell him and Hinata couldn't stop himself from wondering why.
"Isn't it?" The luckster repeated, his voice quivering slightly as if he was uneasy while his gaze was boring directly onto Hinata's one. He was looking for the confirmation the brunet never gave.
But was it really fine?
"I guess." He responded absentmindedly, mimicking Nanami's behavior without noticing.
Was it?
"I'd like you to tell me though." Hinata added.
Was it alright to ignore his issues?
(That wasn't at all what Nanami would agree on.)
"I'd rather not. Pardon me but you don't need to know." The smile was unfaltering but for the first time Hinata finally saw an edge of frustration, almost anger. "It's not any valuable information, you know. Anyway you're probably not gonna like it."
No it wasn't fine at all. What was Komaeda hiding that sounded so terrible? It was like a horrible augury, never really mentioned but spreading a deadly aura around.
The spiky haired boy suddenly felt like a jerk, realizing it surely was a personal matter and the luckster wasn't telling him because it was none of his concern. Yet... Hanamura made up his mind because of a personal concern, didn't he? Perhaps in the kind of environment they were in, he could be a bit of an ass and push Komaeda to admit whatever it was he didn't want to say.
"Isn't it the reason why I should know now that I'm prepared to hear bad news?"
"No! It's only my luck again, nothing particular. You- don't need to know that." Hinata had never seen the other so stubborn and it was kind of annoying. "Furthermore it doesn't even matter how much time I have left, not when I'm in such an extraordinary company."
What the spiky haired boy always failed to determine was if the other was talking about free time, life expectancy or the countdown in front of him (though the three could be associated in their situation).
"I am going to die on this island anyway."
The words resonated in the loud silence like a sentence.
"It can take every time it wants... But within these two weeks, there is no doubt I won't be with you anymore when you find my corpse."
Komaeda was cold, distant and austere, clear in his intentions and detached from the physical world, but Hinata wanted to scream because he refused to give it any chance, refused to acknowledge the possibility of surviving.
"You-- why do you always have to be like this?!"
"It's only normal Hinata-kun! To think of me surviving when several Ultimates would have died... that's such a preposterous idea!"
If Komaeda was trying to calm his choking, his intervention did nothing of the kind. On the contrary Hinata was even more outraged than before. He would waste his life like that? From his words at the trial, Hinata had kind of expected him to actually be prepared for death but this was a far higher scale (you don't tell people to kill you like that without being a bit messed up).
"You really intend to be killed by one of us? Was your life so harsh you’d rather die by one of our hands?"
There was a flicker, a glitch in Komaeda's perfectly composed appearance, and Hinata knew he didn't imagine this flash of uncertainty – and what looked suspiciously like well-hidden anguish.
“That's not it!” The luckster strongly protested, adamant on convincing Hinata, but there was something lurking in his face that made it obvious he was shocked. Not only puzzled, but legitimately aghast. Obviously, the brunet had stumbled across a sensitive subject. He wanted to know what it was about, but pushing the other to answer would make him be a complete asshole.
“But if there has to be a victim it would be better for it to be me, instead of one of you!”
Maybe Komaeda's point could have seemed valid if his voice wasn't quavering so much and a horrible doubt filled the spiky-haired boy's mind. Was it just him or was the other implying he may have tried to kill himself at the party?
"Who?! Who did you intend to murder?!" He yelled unintentionally, praying the other would deny his idea. It was a horrifying thought, one that couldn't – couldn't! – be real.
"I would never have dared to kill one of the Ultimates! Hinata-kun what are you thinking, of course I wasn't targeting you or anyone else."
It wasn't what Hinata was worried about but the response let him calm down a little.
"So it was just a b-bluff?" He asked with a shaky voice, stuttering in incredulity and dread. If Komaeda didn't intend to kill anyone.. then Togami and Hanamura were dead for nothing, nothing at all. Born with talent, accepted in the most prestigious school of the country and died as nothing, nothing more than another former living corpse where the blood had stopped flowing for long.
That was unbelievable.
Nanami said he should forgive but how could he really? Komaeda made their death completely meaningless, made them return to dust as if they were nothing but pawns in his schemes. What a wretched individual!
"It wasn't. I had a target Hinata-kun." The luckster dropped hints, letting him draw the conclusion by himself.
"But it wasn't any one of us." The brunet thought aloud before coming back to his first idea that he wished Komaeda would refute as soon as he would word it. “Your target was... yourself?”
"See? I knew you could guess. But in that case you would call it more..."
"A suicide."
Their voices fit far too well upon mentioning such a dreadful act and it disgusted Hinata.
"Why would you try to kill yourself?! It's nonsense! You wouldn't even be able to get out of the island!"
Komaeda gave him back his harsh glare, but on top of it he even looked deeply disappointed, as if the spiky haired boy wasn't accommodating at all with his expectations. It sparkled cold, blue and bitter in Hinata's core because he was often deceiving people and obviously he was never good enough.
"I have no interest in leaving this place. Why, would it be to return to the mediocre life I had? No one is missing me."
There was a look of repulsion on the luckster's face and at this time Hinata realized he didn't know a thing about Komaeda, and if he was speaking the truth then it was really sad.
He hadn't thought of it when accusing him of wanting to die because living would never be great for him – hadn't thought it could be the exact reality. Yet, it was still hard to pity Komaeda, especially when the other did everything to be hated.
"This is my once in a lifetime opportunity and I am not going to miss it. It's the only chance I've been given to generate, create hope by myself, when I'm usually so useless. And not only to several individuals, but the most respectable people of the country. I never wished anything more than to inspire hope, I don't mind being a victim here as long as it can create a wonderful, remarkable clash of hope. Ahh, I wish I could see that, but I'll be dead by that time."
Hinata's wishes couldn't be more opposite from the other's. He wished he could understand why the luckster was so willing to make himself a victim, why he didn't even try to cling on hope for himself instead of doing it only for them.
Hinata realized Komaeda had never been anything close to selfish, all his doing was turned towards them. Wanting to start the mutual killings – without killing any of them – to make them hope.. How twisted could he be? His intentions were terrible but he was convinced of the greater good in a killing, and that really was the worst. He genuinely thought his death could bring them all an incredible hope.
It was terrible because Nanami had everything right, he couldn't even allow himself to ease his conscience with picking a scapegoat. They all needed to find someone who they could accuse of being guilty and claim everything was their fault, simply to escape the horror of the situation. But it wasn't even possible as soon as they realized Monobear was the only one they could blame.
"But it doesn't matter! Their death will only bring you more hope!" Komaeda raised his voice to catch his attention.
He suddenly squinted at Hinata, and, for no apparent reason, an even wider smile appeared on his face – the omnipresent grins on his face were getting far too infuriating.
"You should acknowledge their sacrifice Hinata-kun! You wouldn't have been able to use all your skills and talent at the trial if it hadn't been for them. The least you can do is to thank them!"
A groan was immediately heard, the spiky-haired boy showing obvious signs of annoyance after such words – almost aiming to anger him. How dare the luckster say such things when he was the one who pushed the situation?! He started the murders, damnit!
"Thank them for being pawns in your schemes? I don't think it’s a nice reward."
He thought Komaeda would fall in another self-deprecating rant, saying that “obviously being affiliated with him wasn't anything glorious”, but the other cut himself off rather abruptly after only a few words, his face suddenly wearing a very serious expression.
"If this is about betrayal, I am no traitor. Nobody ever said they wouldn't try a murder."
"Yes that's exactly it! You kept claiming nothing would turn out bad and we had to support each other when you're the one who completely shattered the group’s links! You did betray our trust, you just.. triggered the murder of our friends as coldly as you could and you claim doing nothing wrong? How fucked up are you?"
If there had been a glimmer of faint empathy before, this one obviously had completely disappeared by then. Hinata was far too furious to show any kind of sympathy toward the other, even a fake one would take him way too much effort with how vexed he currently was.
"Ah, I apologize Hinata-kun, but you've got it wrong."
If he had been a little less angry, perhaps he would have noticed how peculiarly straightforward Komaeda was, claiming his mistake as soon as he spoke, not seemingly anxious of his reaction, but his mind was really far too clouded for him to pick on so small – meaningless – details.
"We aren't friends. Can you consider someone you've just met and who might be a threat as a friend? This is a grave mistake Hinata-kun, you can't really trust anyone here, especially not someone like me! I thought this was obvious from the time Monobear changed the nature of the field trip."
"Do you really need to say that? Talk as if the situation was the most ordinary one, as if nothing happened? You- Why don't you react? Whether or not we’re friends, they’re dead! You act as if you didn't mind at all!" Hinata exclaimed in incredulity, his face mirroring the luckster's own frustration.
Komaeda felt offended as soon as the words were voiced, obviously Hinata didn't get it at all. Of course he minded, he could never consider their death as meaningless!
"I do mind! I told you, the situation saddens me as much as you. They were the symbols of hope, I would never dare consider it not worthy of feeling anguish about!"
"But you don't show any sort of grief, nothing. You stay as calm as ever! Why are you ready to sacrifice people? All of this only for the sake of... hope? It makes no sense!"
Was the white haired boy ever afraid of how badly they might all think of him? Probably not, he didn't look like he minded their hatred, as if he found it actually legitimate. He hadn't even tried to defend himself in their whole conversation, only refuting the brunet's words when he criticized his ideals and pointed out how ridiculous it was to kill for hope.
"You don't understand, do you?"
Noticing the brunet was nodding a bit in approval, his gaze empty, Komaeda shot him a wide smile.
"It's alright Hinata-kun! You don't have to worry about this. Because, you and I are kind of alike after all. I know you'll understand my motivations someday. I believe in you! You're one of them after all. All of you.. you all carry hope. You can do everything! I have no doubt about it. No matter how long it takes you, I'm sure you'll eventually get it."
Hinata gave him a harsh glare before muttering "I doubt it," in a very audible way. The last sound he made was one of disdain and a look that seemed almost scornful, telling himself there was no use in trying to understand this guy.
He realized only hours later that Komaeda encouraged their hate, when the moment had already ended. There was a reproach the luckster clearly gave him – one of trying to get too close – and one Hinata wished he could have understood before. It was already too late, however, when the day after Komaeda had vanished and Hinata tried with all his might to forget what was said the previous night, aware it would only make things even more complicated.
Yet, he didn't succeed.