Chapter Text
Arthur sat in in a lazy, contended awe as he saw the lines of early morning splayed across Merlin’s back. The pale skin of his boyfriend’s spine was warmed in the golden haze of morning. Arthur reached his fingers out, slowly, to dip them along the column of Merlin’s spine.
Merlin seemed so frail at first. So lithe, so little, like a baby bird. But it had not taken him long to show Arthur he was anything but breakable. He had shown Arthur his strength, through the way he would fight back with words and never back down. He showed Arthur by pushing him into a wall for a bruising kiss, but taking whatever Arthur had to give and demanding more.
Merlin was cluttered in bruises. The splotches of purple and red marred his alabaster skin. Lingering hints of their nights, days, of any time they could get their hands on each other. Love bites, scratches, bite marks, bruises, Merlin’s back was like a canvas.
His eyes fluttered open, and the clear blue of them made Arthur a little breathless. The tendrils of sleep bled out, and Merlin gave a quietly blinding smile of perfect teeth.
“Despite what pop culture may have told you, watching someone sleep is very odd.” Merlin grinned. He stretched himself out a little and Arthur felt him writhe beneath his palm.
“Here I was, thinking of how perfect a moment it was, before you ruined it.” Arthur whispered. He leant forward, pressing a kiss to Merlin’s mouth. It should have been full of morning breath, but Merlin always tasted of mint and rain.
“Apologies.” Merlin replied, a little breathless after they’d parted. He wriggled closer to Arthur, until their legs were tangled and noses rubbed. “I’m sure I’ll make it up to you eventually.”
Eyes should not be that blue, skin that smooth, body that warm. A person should not be that perfect, yet Merlin was.
“Mmm.” Arthur replied. Merlin closed his eyes and snuggled in closer to Arthur.
Usually, Arthur couldn’t stand to be this close to a person, and certainly not for this long. Usually, he could barely deal with another body beside him unless they were both naked, fucking. Merlin was something special, something different. A stray star in a dark night. Everything he did made Arthur want to be closer to him, to touch him, to love him.
Arthur used to laugh when people said ‘make love’ because to him sex was a way to get off. That was before he met Merlin, and then every bloody clichéd line in the world made sense.
‘I love you’ Arthur thought. Merlin had said it, once or twice. He didn’t say it to hear Arthur to say it back, and Arthur suspected Merlin already knew Arthur did. Love him.
But Arthur hadn’t ever said those words to someone he loved like Merlin. He never had loved anyone like Merlin. He felt the words ‘I love you’ were too inadequate, trampled by people who said it too fleetingly. He felt so much more, so much more for the smiling idiot he’d moved in with. It was just hard to say.
So Arthur kissed Merlin’s forehead, smelled his hair and curled in closer, until the line of their bodies was invisible. Until they were so close he could feel Merlin’s heartbeat.
***
Arthur woke up from the dream panting, confused and dazed. He felt along the cold duvet for someone, for Merlin, before reality slammed back into him hard enough to raise tears.
The moment he had dreamed of, had remembered, was one of the few perfect things in his life. Now, it was just another thing tainted by magic.
***
Arthur’s life became agonisingly monotonous. He would go to work; they would hunt down a magical then fill in the paper work for it, and then repeat the action a few times a week. He would return home, usually alone, watch some crap on TV and eat something equally shitty, before going to bed and repeating the act the next day.
Sometimes he’d take someone home. A girl, a guy, handsome, not, it didn’t matter. They’d fuck, short and dirty, and Arthur would send them home.
His friends were worried. Arthur had become a shell, a husk, soul tied to Merlin no matter how hard he fought it. He’d been checked for any signs of a lingering spells seven times, and each time came up negative.
That night, at four in the morning when he found an old sock of Merlin’s that was left behind from when Arthur threw the other things in the fire, Arthur worried this would be his life. He would be torn between what he knew and wanted.
It had already started, his questioning of magic. Because as hard as he tried to convince himself, he could not see Merlin as evil. Bad, maybe, but not rotten. An accident but not a mistake.
Arthur vomited in to the sink as he thought of what had happened to Merlin. He tried to pass the guilt away, but it got harder to write off each time.
***
Merlin was spitting with anger by the time he got back to his base. Nimueh only raised an eyebrow and gave a sarcastic wave, uncaring of whatever he’d done.
“Nimueh, what did you say about a government mission?” Merlin hissed.
“I thought you had your own mission going on?” Nimueh replied, eyebrow arched. “Oh, taken care of then?” Merlin grunted in reply. “But I could have sworn you refused to enter the Government facilities?”
He had. Back then it had been too dangerous, if he was caught it would lead to the capture of Arthur, too. This mission was more than bordering on suicide, more than walking in to an open trap. But now he didn’t have an Arthur to lose.
“Do you want my help or not, Nimueh?” He snapped. She clapped her hands in mock delight and crowed:
“Oh, I knew you couldn’t resist! Just desperate to nail it to the government officials, aren’t you?” She stood up, walked through to her small office and beckoned Merlin with a hand. He didn’t bother contradict her.
Walking into Nimueh’s office made Merlin’s eyes hurt. It reminded him of the scared little boy he was before he met Arthur. He wondered what was worse, to be terrified out of his own mind or numb and jaded. To drown or to die of thirst.
“Alright, you’ll be going along with two other members. Not of this house, but they’re some of the best.” Nimueh explained. She began to relay off the plan, jealousy dripping from her voice. It wouldn’t do for a house owner to be captured. “I am surprised you’re so eager to get your hands dirty.”
“It’s for a good cause, isn’t it?” Merlin replied coldly. They were freeing the children kept in the ‘studying’ chambers. They were freeing people like Merlin had been. He would do a hell of a lot worse to prevent those kids ending up like he had.
“Would it matter if it wasn’t?”
“Yes.”
“Something’s different. What happened, did your little boyfriend die?” Nimueh smiled.
When Merlin had first come back to the house, Nimueh had taken him in, because Merlin was one of the best. He was a powerful sorcerer, one of the most powerful, but no one knew it. He was brilliant at getting information from people without them knowing it. He was a perfect asset to Nimueh.
But Nimueh wasn’t stupid. Merlin had run away before and he could do it again. He’d fallen head over heels for some blond man and flew away like a bird with an open cage. She wouldn’t risk herself again. One of her associates, a mind reader, had come in and scanned Merlin’s thoughts without his noticing.
All he could think about was some past love.
She knew he was doing his job, but she needed a little more… Assurance.
“Yes.” Merlin replied. She could tell there was something else bubbling below the surface. She knew the little boyfriend was most likely still alive. If he was repulsed by Merlin, that was enough. Perfect, enough to finally push Merlin on to the side of magic.
“Merlin, if you go on this mission, I need more than your word.” She primed. His glare was one of irritancy more than anger. “There is a lot at stake for out kind.”
“What do you want?” He sounded so tired. She worried for him, really. He needed to impress clients, and if he kept losing weight and getting paler he could lose it. Lose himself.
“You remember how I used to threaten the younger children with the golden bands?” She said slowly.
She used to send Merlin to bed with those stories. Stories of a golden band that clasped your body and kept hold of your magic. If it sensed any sort of thought against the wishes of the controller, it would block the wizard’s magic. If the wearer did an action against the wishes of the controller, it began to kill the sorcerer. Slowly, agonisingly.
“I am not wearing one of those.” Merlin yelped.
“No, I didn’t think you would.” Nimueh bent under her desk, pulling out a small metal box. “But this is a little different.” She opened the box and pulled out a little blue capsule. “This will be injected in to your wrist. It’s a tracker, and that’s all. If you vanish again, I’ll find you. It can and will be spotted by government officials. Its removal will kill you.”
“There are tracking things that won’t kill me.” Merlin reasoned, but he’d already crossed the room and extended his wrist.
“Yes, but you could still get away. You could still give away secrets.” Usually, when Nimueh injected the tracker in to people, they would double over in pain and curse. Merlin barely winced.
“But who would I tell?” He said with a wiry smile.
Nimueh smiled. Every person had their price.
“Report to me tomorrow morning. We will cancel your other meetings.” Nimueh planted a kiss on his cheek. “Remember, they have to be evil for us to be good.”
***
Merlin sat in the back of the truck, letting the voices of his team member’s crash over him in a slow lull. Their hatred of magic was odd, very biased and hardly justified. It seemed they had almost no real interaction with those without magic, yet they despised them with a hate that made Merlin flinch.
Even after being followed by it his whole life, Merlin did not understand prejudice.
He didn’t even hate the government officials, just what they did. How people could muster up hate for something they were or weren’t born with was stupid. To blacklist a quarter of a population for having an extra talent was insanity.
It wasn’t magic that corrupted, but power. With the way Magicals were treated, there was little wonder they wanted more of it.
“Hey, Mordred!” The girl, Morgause, snapped. Merlin kept forgetting his codename. “What’s your reason for coming?”
“Free the kids?” He replied, as though it were obvious.
“Well, yeah. But, there must be something else?” The large man, Odin snapped. “I mean, it’s a pretty big risk for some brats.”
“I’ve not got all that much to lose.” Merlin replied.
“Your life? Your sanity?” They replied. Merlin didn’t say a word; he didn’t feel like he had either of those things in his grasp anymore.
It had been five days since seeing Arthur. It didn’t hurt as much anymore, the blade in his gut had been dulled to a splinter. He could almost, almost, ignore it.
Merlin shrugged in response, and Morgause and Odin gave him an appreciative nod.
“Well, as long as we get the next generation out of there, it’s a success. Hopefully we won’t get trapped.” Morgause said, facing Odin.
Merlin wondered what Arthur thought of the kids in there. If he even really knew what went on.
He wondered if Arthur knew what he fought for. Merlin wondered if he even knew what he fought for himself. He wondered if he was a sacrificial lamb, or more of a ‘died for your sins’ emblem. It was hard to care.
He needed a goal, something to focus on and keep him grounded.
It would cost him a lot, to get the kids out of there. A blood sacrifice would be needed, to keep the doors locked forever, to keep Morgause’s spell working. He and Odin had each agreed to it, though. They had both been kids kept in that lab.
“Alright, I’m gonna run through it one more time, so listen up, Mordred.” Odin bellowed. “We go through entrance 4C, enter the kids ward ASAP. I’ll take the first slice, to get the doors open long enough to get the kids out. Then, Morgause does half the spell. She and I take the kids out here, we’ll get picked up and leave the car here for you. While that’s happening, you start the spell, make a cut, finish and get out.”
Merlin nodded.
“Best of luck, mate.” Odin nodded.
The van stopped, they grabbed their things and jumped out.
***
Merlin knew he would have gotten away. He knew he could get away before he damned himself.
He also knew, however, he would not to what it took to get out.
Merlin had lifted the sobbing child, the one who had accidentally tripped an alarm, and placed him in Morgause’s arms as the doors had closed. The little boy had blond hair and ocean eyes, and Merlin could not take the sounds of his heart break, or the thought of him being left behind.
Morgause had looked at him, surprised as she watched. If Merlin had slunk through the door alone, he’d have gotten away scott free. But he stopped, ran back and freed the little boy.
There was no other choice, really. Even if Merlin had cared about what happened after.
Then the metal doors slammed shut, iron rattled in Merlin’s head and the troops fell in with a cry.
He held his hands up, and kept breathing.