Chapter Text
There was something fuzzy and warm in Josh’s stomach when he left Tyler’s apartment in the early morning. Tyler had asked if he wanted a ride home but Josh refused. He could see he was trying to keep his eyes open and he couldn’t stop yawning. Josh liked an early walk in the city anyway. It would clear his head.
Not that he particularly wanted to.
The whole night had been out of a fairytale. They couldn’t stop talking. It was like their hearts were beating in unison. Josh basked in the feeling as long as he could. He never had felt understood and seen like this. Tyler was everything he could have dreamt of.
He chuckled, the fresh air biting his cheeks, the sun doing nothing to warm this cold winter morning. He didn’t mind. He only had one regret about the night. He hadn’t kissed him. They hugged when Josh left, but their lips didn’t meet this time. Josh thought it would have been too much. But now, he could feel the craving, the tingling, his body missing its dose of Tyler, like an addict going into withdrawal.
It scared him. In the back of his mind, a little voice was yelling he shouldn’t fall so fast. It was the easiest way to be deceived. He couldn’t stop, his heart was longing for Tyler's warm eyes over him. He never had such softness, like cotton wrapping over his heart.
Tyler didn’t lie about who he was. Unapologetic and magnetic, everything that came out of his mouth was true to him. And Josh knew — believed with his whole soul — that Tyler would never betray him.
The week-end had been excruciatingly long. Josh regretted not asking Tyler for his number, somehow it hadn’t even crossed his mind. He had been so drunk on him that all logical thinking had been thrown out the window.
Now, all he was hoping for was that Tyler would be here this Monday morning. He spent a little longer on his hair, trying to get his curls just right — the way Debby had taught him a long time ago. He hesitated with the eyeliner. He hadn’t put any on in years, but Debby always said he looked devastating with it. Then again, wasn’t he trying too much? For something that might not even be real. Tyler had been stressed out about the ballet. He had just needed to decompress. Yes, he clearly said he was interested. But he never specified what.
Josh crossed the door of the building with a tight knot in his stomach. He was surprised to see the empty hall. The door to the ballet room was closed and no light was filtering through it.
“Oh, hey.”
Josh turned to Mark, at the door of his office, a bundle of papers in his hand. He looked tired, as he always did but with a hint of joy in the corner of his eyes.
“Hey man,” Josh approached, “what’s up?”
“I’m just finalizing the contract with the new tenant,” he quickly explained, waving the stack in his hand.
So that’s where the joy was from. Mark had been obviously very stressed about everything that happened lately. Josh smiled, genuinely happy for him.
“That’s cool, who is it?”
A head popped off through Mark’s office.
“Heard you were talking about me,” the man said with a bright smile, he immediately went for a handshake, “Hi, I’m Paul. I’ll be teaching pottery here from now on.”
Josh awkwardly shook the man's hand. He had expected something else this Monday morning.
“Josh,” he pointed at himself, “I’m teaching boxing. Second floor.”
“Cool!”
Paul was enthusiastic. Not exactly the type of man Josh would have expected in pottery. A black beanie on, white tee and baggy jeans. Josh wouldn’t have been surprised if he did a bit of boxing too.
“Actually,” Paul continued, clearly excited, “I’m hosting a class tonight for all the others tenants so feel free to come, you don’t have to actually do pottery if that’s not your thing, but there’ll be food and drinks,” he shrugged, “so yeah, kind of class-warming stuff.”
He chuckled, crow’s feet forming at the corner of his eyes. Josh decided he liked the man.
“Yeah, sure, I’ll be there.”
“Great!”
Mark interrupted them, “we still have a few things to go over, Paul, if you don’t mind.”
Paul nodded eagerly, “Yeah sure, after you,” he politely moved aside so Mark could go back inside, then before going in he turned to Josh, “and again, nice to meet you man.”
He fist bumped Josh as if they were old friends. Josh stayed frozen for a second, watching the door closed, his fist still up. He was pretty sure he had never met someone so friendly before. It would certainly be a great addition to the building.
He finally came to his senses, and to his original plan for this morning. Like all other Monday mornings. Relaxation.
Yes, he had planned for Tyler to be here but him not being here didn’t mean he was about to throw away the entirety of his routine. He climbed up the stairs to the last floor, discovering a bunch of accessories he presumed were Paul’s on the landing. He made his way into the gym room, got himself ready for the hammam so he could finally bask in the warmth. There was something extra cosy in enjoying a hammam when it snowed outside.
He let his head lean against the wood behind him. The heat soothes his sore muscles. There was some noise in front of him. He squinted, trying to get a better look at the person bursting his bubble of peace.
“You’re so predictable.”
Josh grinned. Tyler moved forward, closing the door behind him, he sat right by Josh this time, barely letting any space between them.
“You’re the one who came here, knowing I’ll be there,” Josh shot back, cheekily.
Tyler tilted his head, staring straight at Josh, “I’ve missed you.”
The world could have stopped around them and Josh wouldn’t have noticed. Everything zeroed in on Tyler. He felt like he was seeing him for the first time, all vulnerability and strange lines. He slowly followed the lines on the man’s chest. Like a mystery waiting to be resolved. His words were still ringing in his ears.
“You should have given me your phone number then,” he quipped.
Tyler lifted an eyebrow, “You should have given me your number.”
Josh rolled his eyes, “You’re terrible.”
“So I’ve been told.”
There was a beat of silence. Josh sunk in his seat, his shoulder grazing Tyler’s.
“I thought of you all weekend,” Tyler added, sensually.
It’s like the tone reverberated inside Josh’s loins. His entire being shivered even though the room was saturated with heat. He felt Tyler’s hand over his cheek, gently turning his face toward him.
“Hey,” he breathed out when they eyes met and Josh felt like a puppet again.
Tyler approached until their noses were touching. Josh couldn’t help being mesmerized by Tyler's beautiful eyes and the volutes of smoke curling around his face.
“That okay?”
Josh might as well have lost all cognitive function, he batted his eyelashes, unsure what Tyler was expecting of him. Until Tyler glanced at his lips.
He nodded, sucking in a sharp breath.
Tyler moved closer, tilting his head enough so their noses don’t collide. But his lips never touched Josh’s.
“Use your words, J,” he muttered.
Josh used the last of willpower to utter a simple : “Yes.”
Tyler’s lips crashed on his, ravenous. His hand slipping from his cheek to the back of Josh’s head. The same adrenaline from the ballet night coursed through Josh like lightning. He could barely breath but he would die a happy man suffocating under Tylers kisses.
Tyler was hungry, his hands roaming through Josh’s damp hair, exploring his shoulder blades, his exposed toned back. His hands seemed to be everywhere at once and Josh could hardly focus on one thing at a time. He felt Tyler play with the ring over his lower lip with his tongue, grinning into the kiss like it was a valuable feature.
A puff of steam was pumped into the room. Josh suddenly realized he actually could move. On instinct, his hands came over Tyler’s shoulders to lose themselves in the brown mop of hair. He slid on the bench to get closer. His heart was beating a mile a minute and for a second he wondered if it was even healthy to make out in a hammam.
But the thought disappeared quite fast. Tyler had slipped his hand under his shorts. His fingers delicately tracing the outline of his cock. The sound he made against Tyler’s mouth was ungodly.
“Still okay?” Tyler asked, not bothering himself with getting his lips off of Josh’s.
“Uh-uh.”
Josh would have loved to be more talkative. But Tyler had his way to make him speechless. And he didn’t mind having his brain turned off from time to time.
Tyler finally moved away from his lips, getting a desperate whine from Josh as he did. He smirked — that damn bastard. But Josh didn't have time to berate him. Tyler was falling to his knees, gently pushing his knees apart and pulling his shorts down with a swift movement, letting his swollen cock free. He hadn’t realized he was hard already, everything was too hot. But every time Tyler moved his hands or lips away he felt sheer cold where the man had been.
Josh should have said no. Stop this. They were in a public space! Anyone could have walked in on them. Yes, there was enough steam to hide them but if someone looked—
Tyler kissed his upper thigh and all his worries went out the window. His head fell back as he panted, Tyler peppering kisses was making him crazy. He gasped for air as he felt Tyler slowly, lavishly lick him all the way up. His cock twitched, he moved his hand, responding to what his body wanted but Tyler caught it.
“No, let me take care of you,” his voice was husky, deeper than Josh ever heard.
His hand fell back down. And Tyler’s mouth was finally back on him. He lazily lapped up to Josh’s slit, then pursed his lips. Josh was pretty sure the picture of Tyler between his legs, half-naked and sucking his cock would be marked against his eyelids. Tyler was putting on a show for him, his eyes never leaving Josh’s. The corner of his eyes wrinkled when he got a sharp inhale from him or a pent-up moan as he twirled his tongue. He made a vertiginous pop with his mouth as he took a breather, lavishly licking his lips for anything that might have been Josh’s.
He was about to blow up, this man was making him crazy. No one, no one, ever sucked him off. Well, his only boyfriend always refused because it was a girl—
Not now. Not now.
He closed his eyes, trying to erase the bad memory. As soon as he did, he felt the weight of Tyler’s head against his thigh. He opened his eyes again. Tyler was kissing every last inch of him.
Marry me. The thought struck so hard, he almost started laughing. Instead he bit his lip until…
Until tears spilled out. He didn’t know why. He just felt like everything he ever knew was collapsing at the same time and he was standing in the center, naked and vulnerable. Tyler noticed immediately, he straightened up. His hands coming over Josh’s face to erase the tears.
“Did I do something wrong?” The anguish in his voice was obvious and Josh immediately shook his head.
He didn’t want Tyler to think it was his fault.
“No,” he sobbed, pathetically, “it’s just—” he sucked on his breath, “no one’s ever done that for me.”
Tyler blinked, like he wasn’t sure he understood what Josh said.
“Oh.”
For a second, Josh thought they were done for. That Tyler would leave him here, hard and crying on the bench of the hammam because ‘who the hell cries for that?!’ Instead, Tyler tilted his head and smiled gently.
“I’ll make it extra good for you then,” he pushed himself a little up the floor and stole a kiss from Josh. “If you want me to continue,” he added, kissing the tears away.
Josh nodded with a broken chuckle. The whole situation was stupid. A puff of steam reminded him where he was but he didn’t care anymore because Tyler was making sure he felt loved and wanted.
Tyler lowered his head again and kissed the tip of Josh’s cock playfully, grinning and winking. Josh was in heaven again. Tyler didn’t hesitate, he swallowed him all. Josh let out a string of swears. He never knew it could feel this good. Tyler hollowed his cheeks, trying to get more of Josh. Still, his eyes weren’t leaving Josh’s. His hands roamed over Josh’s chest, pinching a nipple, rolling it between his fingers like an expert. Josh couldn’t move anymore. Tyler wasn’t letting go of him for a second, he was eager every time he swallowed down again. If he didn’t stop soon then—
“A-aah Tyler! Ty—” he tried to warn.
Tyler understood, he saw the glint in his eyes. But instead he doubled down, like a man starving. This. This was his tombstone. Josh came, unable to move Tyler away from him and he watched, stunned, as Tyler swallowed every last drop of cum he could. Josh wanted to say something, but his heart was racing, the heat was making him dizzy. He blinked but the details of the room kept getting fuzzy. He tried to focus, but the whole world was tilting on its axis. The edges of the room turned black, he could barely keep his eyes open. The last thing he saw before passing out was Tyler swiping a drop with his thumb and sucking it off.
He woke up in a daze. He blinked up and was surprised to see two figures over him. One was Tyler, apologetic and worried. He was holding a cold cloth to Josh’s forehead. The second was Mark who looked… Tired. As always. Maybe a bit more than usual.
“Hey,” Tyler said, swiping the cold cloth around his face.
And finally it hit him. Did he just pass out from a blowjob?! He felt the heat creep up his neck and cheeks. He frantically tried to straighten up, instinctively pushing his legs together. He finally noticed that his shorts had been put back on. It was embarrassing enough that Tyler saw him like that but Mark?!
“How do you feel?” Mark asked, arms crossed over his chest.
Mortified. Humiliated. There were not enough words in his entire vocabulary to express the turmoil of emotion within him.
Mark sighed, his expression betraying a hint of worry, “Dude, you were lucky Tyler found you here. I told you to not go over twenty minutes maximum in the hammam.”
Thank God, Mark didn’t know. His eyes switched to Tyler. He was biting the inside of his cheek, repressing a smile, a glint of amusement in his gaze. He must have lied to Mark to cover their stupidity. Josh nodded for lack of something better.
“How long was I out?” he asked, his throat dry as sandpaper.
“Not long,” Tyler helped him sit up, “like ten minutes?”
“Do you feel dizzy? Or anything, we can–”
“No,” Josh cut off, “I feel fine, I was uh… Exhausted.”
He hoped Mark would chalk up his blushing to the heat. The man nodded, rubbing his forehead, anxiously.
“Okay, I still have some stuff to do but if you need me, I’m down there,” he switched to Tyler, “Do you mind keeping an eye on him?”
“Not at all,” Tyler cheerfully answered.
He grabbed the water bottle by his side, uncapping it and handing it to Josh. He took it thankfully, he still felt hot-headed and on the verge of collapsing — it might have been from shame though. Mark left, knowing Josh was in good hands. The moment they found themselves alone, Tyler's touch softened. The hand on his back started drawing small circles, he made sure to freshen Josh up with the cloth.
“This is probably the worst moment of my life,” he grumbled after downing half the bottle.
Tyler chuckled, “Don’t say that. It was very stupid to do that in a hammam.”
Josh groaned, taking his head between his hands. Tyler went from his back to his neck, gently massaging in slow patterns.
“I knew I was good but not that good,” Tyler cheekily said.
Josh snorted, “Shut up, man.”
He looked up at Tyler. He was still here, taking care of him, making sure he was okay, tending to his every need. Their eyes crossed. Tyler closed the gap, taking a quick peck from Josh’s lips.
“Sorry I called Mark,” he inhaled, “I got really scared and couldn’t get you out of there by myself.”
His voice trembled. His eyes cast down for a second. And Josh could only imagine the panic he had felt. He gently removed the stray strands of damp hair from Tyler’s forehead.
“Thank you for taking care of me.”
Tyler’s smile widened in a way Josh knew he was about to say something stupid.
“Oh yeah, you seemed to really appreciate that part,” he snickered.
Josh grinned, shoving Tyler, “You’re an asshole.”
“Yah!” Tyler cheered, then he got close again, stealing another peck, “but you like me.”
Josh was at loss for words. He opened and then closed his mouth. He wanted to tell Tyler he was wrong and full of shit, keep on teasing. But there was no denying the truth. Instead he looked away, shaking his head. Tyler stayed close, hands soothing, peppering kisses to his cheeks, giving him water until Josh felt completely better. But Josh knew in the depths of his mind that Tyler would have stayed like that for hours if he had needed it.
It was one thing to live on cloud nine with your new lover (boyfriend(?)). It was another to be brutally brought back to earth by your seventeen year-old student and her chaotic love story. After finally exchanging their phone numbers, Tyler had to go to a meeting with his fellow teachers. They part ways not without exchanging a dozen more kisses and soft pecks, so much that Josh crossed the door of his classroom with the dumbest, widest smile on his face.
That immediately turned to confusion.
The lights were on. There was the regular tapping sound against the punching ball. He walked further in and finally saw the source of the noise. Priya. Of course Priya, who else could it be on a random Monday morning. He walked in, throwing his jacket over the side of a chair. Her hair was loose for once, and she seemed to have focused her training on the legs, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. Josh had told her many times it was her weakest point. She had good punches, but didn’t move fast enough.
He tilted his head, proud to see she still followed his teachings even though she was clearly out of his league now. That stung but it was the truth. One day, sooner than they expect, she’ll need a private coach and a professional license. She’ll need someone to help her navigate championship, to secure match. And Josh couldn’t be that coach for her.
For now, he could appreciate a quiet morning watching her train.
He let her finish her set. When she turned around and spotted him, she seemed mildly surprised. She threw her gloves to the side, grabbing her water bottle.
“Hi, didn’t hear you come in.”
“I noticed. You were focused on your exercise.”
She watched him for a second. He wondered if she could see what had happened to him half an hour earlier. She finally turned back to her bottle.
“Any advice?”
“Not really,” he shrugged.
This time she looked fairly surprised.
“Really?”
Josh nodded, “Yeah, you’re practicing correctly. I don’t have anything else to teach you.”
She blinked, the bottle frozen in the air. She finally set it down.
“Oh.”
Josh felt a tight knot in his stomach. It’s not a conversation they should have now. Josh couldn’t stomach it.
“So, what happened the other night?”
She frowned, “uh?”
“The Winter Ballet,” he clarified.
A few expressions passed through her face. Some of them worrying him. She grabbed a hairband, smoothly putting her hair up in a bun. Her mouth twisted like she was trying to find the right words.
“You can tell me anything, Pri’,” he reassured, sitting down against the boxring.
She hesitated before joining him, sitting criss-cross by his side. She took a big breath, which didn’t help Josh’s anxiety.
“So you know how on Instagram you can see some peoples location,” she started.
Josh did not know that.
“Well, I know she never disables that kind of stuff which I think it’s so stupid by the way. But thanks to that I could tell she was still at home. And I took my bike so I could be there in like five minutes,” she frowned, “The house was all dark and I’d seen her house before but I didn’t know where her room was and I didn’t want her parents to see me just in case.”
She took a breath, pulling on a strand of her bun and twisting the curl between her fingers. A habit she’d had since she was seven, Josh could recall the first time she did that in class.
“One of the windows was open so I climbed up a tree beside and jumped in the window. It was the bathroom. And I couldn't hear anyone in the house so I thought no one was there and she forgot her phone. But then, I heard like crying,” she winced, the memory difficult, “and I knew it was her. I searched for her. She was in her room.”
She brought both her knees to her chest, resting her head on top of them.
“She told me she had told her parents everything.”
Josh frowned, “Everything?”
“Mmh. Almost. It all started because Lily — one of her friends — was fucking weird. Her vision of life is completely fucked by her parents. And it made Billie question everything and with the stress of the Winter Ballet, I think it all came to a head. She spilled it all about her sexuality, about dating a girl — she didn’t mention I was the girl who punched her though — That she was scared and stressed and… Everything,” she closed her eyes, “They said it was okay.”
Josh’s frown deepened. It didn’t sound… that bad.
“But they were kinda dismissive about it like ‘oh ok yeah you’re stressed but you always end up on top’ and ‘invite your girlfriend sometime as long as it doesn’t disturb you’ and it kinda threw her for a loop.”
Josh was starting to understand.
“And they left for work and so Billie was alone with her thoughts. And… That’s when she decided to punish her parents for not listening to her by not going to the ballet.”
“Wow,” Josh breathed out.
Priya nodded, “It’s kinda fucked up. Her parents aren’t… Mean or anything. They’re just disconnected, like they don’t care!” she huffed, getting upset, “it’s like ‘oh okay daughter do whatever you want as long as you’re the best’ but they aren’t actually interested in what she does.”
Josh nodded slowly, “They’re neglectful.”
Priya breathed through her nose, calming her anger, “yeah, basically. I met them, you know, they aren’t purposely mean.”
Josh remembered seeing Priya shaking hands with the Bates that night. It all made sense now.
“Do they like you?”
She shrugged, “They don’t hate me.”
They stayed in silence for a while, he wrapped an arm around her shoulder, rocking her. It didn’t happen often that he was soft with his students. Teaching boxers rarely left any place for gestures of tenderness. He was glad he could have this quiet moment with her.
“And now, does she feel better?”
She shrugged again, “I don’t know. She got a scholarship, so she’s… Happy? I guess. And her parents aren’t against her being gay apparently. But it’s like her life completely flipped Friday night.”
She buried her face in her knees. Josh hugged her tighter.
“At least, she has you,” he said.
Priya turned her face to him, “thank you coach.”
The pottery class was warm and inviting, nothing like the old art haunted classroom. A shiver ran down his spine, remembering the dusty shelves and abandoned canvas. Paul had made a cozy place out of that hellhole. Greeneries draped over the windows, shelves containing unknown tools and pottery in the making, boards with explanations, all the furniture were polished dark wood, and Paul himself was inviting. An apron over his jeans and shirts, he welcomed Josh with a drink, leading him to a table with snacks.
A lot of teachers were already there. Actually only Mark was missing.
“He said he’ll be late,” Paul explained, “he seems like a busy guy.”
“You haveno idea,” Josh snorted.
They chatted for a bit before Mark finally arrived. Of course, Josh had spotted Tyler the moment he had entered the room. He was talking with both Debby and Jenna. Josh blushed at the mere memory of Tyler between his legs that same morning. He was right. He would have had that image imprinted over his eyelids for the rest of his life.
Paul made them all take a place behind a spinning wheel and gave them all a bit of clay and an apron. The goal was to make a cup but — except Debby — they all had a hard time picking up the right pace for the wheel. It was still fun and Josh found himself laughing a few times at his mistakes and others. Paul was going between them, helping each one to pick up the pace.
“Uh, this doesn’t look like a cup,” Tyler mumbled.
Josh turned his head to look at his progress.
And burst out laughing.
Somehow Tyler had succeeded in making a sort of long droopy sausage. He stuck his tongue out to Josh, playfully, pointing at Josh's masterpiece. Josh looked back at his piece of clay. It didn’t look like a cup yet but it had a form.
“At least, it resembles a bowl, which is cup-adjacent,” Josh fought back.
Paul appeared behind Tyler, cutting off the two grown men's childish fight. He pouted in front of Tyler’s art.
“You need a bit of help here?”
“How did you know?” Tyler mused, feigning innocence.
“Alright,” Paul laughed.
He crouched behind Tyler, his arms encapsulated him to lead Tyler’s hands over the piece of clay. Flattening it down then building up again. Josh had long stopped laughing, his eyes focused intently on the scene. The way Paul held Tyler’s hands, guiding him, massaging the clay, their hands sticking to one another. Tyler was letting him. It made his insides boil. He turned to his wheel, trying to smother the wave of jealousy crawling up his heart.
Paul was just being nice, doing his job, showing Tyler how to do it. It was nothing else. Still, it tore Josh’s insides. He felt helpless. Like he couldn’t do anything but watch as his love was torn from him. Because he wasn’t deserving of it in the bright lights. Because he should stay hidden and quiet.
The night came to an end. Paul promised the ‘cups’ would be ready in a week and that they could come in and paint them anytime they want. Everyone had a great time and Josh had to put on a brave face. He couldn’t admit the truth. The unbearable anger he had against a man he barely knew and had done nothing wrong.
They said their good byes at the door while Mark was closing behind them. They all went their separate ways and Josh didn’t wait a second to leave either.
“Hey, wait!”
He froze, looked over his shoulder in shock.
Tyler jogged up to him, eyes curious, “are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” he answered too fast.
Tyler bit his lip, “you seemed… upset? I just wanted to make sure.”
He had noticed. He didn’t know why and how but Tyler had noticed. Even though Josh tried to hide it, put on a brave face. Tyler had seen right through him. He opened his mouth, trying to find an excuse but nothing came to mind. Tyler gently took his hand.
Here. In the street. Where everyone could see.
“Today was a lot,” he heard himself say.
“Yeah,” Tyler scrunched his nose, “it was.”
Josh looked at their hands, he intertwined their fingers. He felt it. Like a boulder coming up his throat. Something ready to spill, ugly and dangerous. Not exactly a secret. But it had been locked up for too long for it to feel normal to say anymore. Tyler needed to know. He had to know what he was signing up for. Josh wasn’t strong, he wasn’t good. He was…
“I need to talk to you about something,” he muttered, his eyes resolutely cast on the ground.
Tyler grabbed his other hand, intertwining their fingers. He tried to catch Josh’s gaze, but Josh knew that if he did, he would lose all his resolve.
“Tell me,” Tyler simply said.
Something peeled off at the back of Josh’s head.
███████
█████am
███liam
█illiam
William
He immediately felt his eyes burn like a physiological response to the name. He closed his eyes tight. Everything was flying around his head. A storm he had carefully locked down for years was finally taking down every inch of the armor Josh had built.
“It’s hard for me to say his name,” he started, voice trembling — he hated it — “I don’t know why. It’s like when he left he took this from me,” he took a shaky breath, “The ability to express myself,” he clarified after a beat.
Tyler pressed his fingers. He was still here, in the snowy street, with Tyler. Nowhere else. Nowhere else.
“I was young and… I don’t want to say stupid — Debby would punch me if I said stupid,” he snorted. “Anyway, I was fresh out of high school, doing side jobs and boxing every chance I got. I just love the sport you know?” he shook his head, swallowed down the anguish
He gripped Tyler’s hands tighter. He still couldn’t open his eyes.
“I knew I was gay but I never… It wasn’t a part of me I expressed to anyone. It’s hard to remember how it started but there was a guy in my boxing gym.”
He could see it clear as day. That smelly old boxing gym, there were only men and a constant tension in the air like a fight could explode anytime. And in the middle of it all : Sunshine. Or at least, it had its appearance.
“His name was William,” he finally opened his eyes.
Not because he felt ready to look Tyler in the eye but he’d rather not see his face.
“I liked how he seemed confident outside but when it was the both of us he was shy and sweet. We started seeing each other, in secret of course we were both still very closeted. And for a while, I started thinking that he could be it.”
He did. He really did. He talked about William to his friends, to his mom. He knew it would take time but it had to be his one and only love. It reassured him that Tyler was still close, still holding his hands, tracing circles with his thumb like second nature. Especially because he knew what happened next.
“That’s when it first happened,” his eyes dropped again, he couldn’t look at Tyler, the words started spilling faster, “It was night, I was hanging at his place like I often did, and someone knocked at the door. He completely flipped. He pushed me inside a closet — this sounds like a joke —” he huffed a half-hearted laugh, “and asked me to wait here while he told his friends off.”
He couldn’t see Tyler’s reaction, but he felt his hands tensing.
“But he didn’t,” he continued, he felt out of breath but if he stopped now he doubted ever picking the story up, “His friends stayed like two, three hours and I stood there in the dark listening to them joking about girls and shit. I could have got out. I should have gotten out!” he let out a crazed laugh.
Every time he thought about that night, he always felt like a child for not speaking up. How could he have been blind to the point— But Debby berated him more than once that he felt like he was in love, and that it wasn’t his fault. Even though he still believed it was.
“I didn’t. I didn’t want to embarrass him. I stayed the night after his friends left and said nothing.”
It stung. It stung so much. He pressed his eyes closed again, this time to restrain the tears.
“But in the morning I actually confronted him and told him it wasn’t fair to me and he was immature and… He punched me,” he sucked a shaky breath, “I was so stunned and confused I… He kept saying he was sorry, it was ‘his nature but I shouldn’t have called him immature’,” his voice kept pitching up, he wanted to stop talking to swallow back his pity story and avoid Tyler for the rest of his pathetic life.
“I believed him,” tears pushed through the barrier of his eyelids, “This… This happened a few more times and I was so ashamed I pushed everyone away and didn’t tell a soul. He even told me it would be ridiculous to say that a boxer got beaten up.”
It felt like a play of his life, he could see every scene stitching itself up. What a ridiculous character he was, staying when he was down.
“I don’t know why I kept coming back to him,” his heart ached too much, his voice was raw, he could feel the fire in his lungs. “In my head, he was my boyfriend, he was like me, and he was the only one who understood what it was to be a closeted boxer.”
Excuses.
“One day, through mutual friends, I learned he was dating a girl and had for a few weeks now,” this must have been the most deplorable part, “I confronted him and he told me it was just to cover-up and for his parents. I accepted it.”
His cheeks were burning with shame and tears.
“But every time I saw a picture of them online or when she came by the boxing gym… I was burning with jealousy, it made me crazy. We fought so much,” he sobbed, he had no strength anymore. “My mental health was terrible. Debby was the only other person I was talking to because she was forcing me to.”
It felt like talking about a strange nightmare. He remembered the pain vividly, the dark and isolation but the days had been just a blur. He couldn’t pinpoint an exact moment. He didn’t remember celebrating his birthday that year, or going to see a show or simply living.
“And then he disappeared. Just like that, his apartment was empty and he disappeared. He didn’t pick up his stuff from my apartment. I spent an entire week crying alone,” there was no point hiding it anymore. “And when I went back to the boxing gym, one of my friends told me he went back to the UK with that girl. He was marrying her.”
He laughed. He couldn’t help himself. It was humiliating and stupid. And it all happened to him.
Tyler let go of his hands and for a second, Josh thought he was done for. He would fall back into the abyss and never go back up. But then, Tyler rubbed off his tears and passed his arms over Josh’s shoulders. He hugged him, not letting a single inch between them. One hand between his shoulder’s blades and the other gently caressing his hand. Josh dove deeper into him, he immediately grabbed Tyler by the waist, gripping him like he was going to disappear in an instant. Sinking his face into Tyler’s neck. He muffled a sob, his whole body trembling as he let go against the dancer.
“I rarely talk about this,” he said in between broken sobs, “It’s just… Humiliating for me. It was years ago but it still stings that I let someone play me like that,” he sucked in a steadying breath, “I’m so afraid to do this again because I can’t love half-way.”
Tyler held him tighter. He had stayed silent the whole time, letting him get it all out. Finally, he spoke.
“Please, don’t love me half-way.”