Chapter Text
Come on, feel the noise
Girls, rock your boys
We'll get wild, wild, wild
Wild, wild, wild!
Wednesday morning brought an unwelcome weather forecast to life. The harsh conditions smacked Craig in the face from the moment that he stepped out the door. He is no stranger to the weather in Colorado, but this morning would make anybody want to shut their front door closed again and cancel all plans.
There is mixed precipitation in the air and the northerly wind is vindictive and bone-chilling. Snow is falling thickly and the rain is lashing against Craig's windscreen like bullets on a tent. The temperature is subzero - but although Craig's barometer reads -7 degrees Fahrenheit, he simply ignores the numbers and ranks how it feels on his own personal scale - today it is “fucking cold enough to freeze my nut sack off”.
There is next to no visibility on the road this morning, but Craig has decided that this isn't going to slow him down or dampen his spirits. His rocket fuel is a cheap gas station double shot coffee in a crushed paper coffee cup held in one hand and a lit cigarette in the other - a wake up special he is thoroughly enjoying as he sings loudly to his car stereo cranked up to maximum volume.
“So you think I got an evil mind, well, I'll tell you HONEY!
And I don't know why!
And I don't know why!-”.
Craig took a large sip of coffee to finish his cup and savoured the feeling of the scalding liquid heating his insides. He hastily threw his empty cup to the floor on the passengers side and started clapping his hands against the steering wheel in time with the music-
“So you think my singing's out of time, well it makes me money!
And I don't know why!
AND I DON'T KNOW WHY!
Anymore…
OH NO!!”.
Usually Craig hates Wednesday. It's hump day - also known as the half way point of the week and the cruel reminder that there's three days of work left before the weekend arrives.
But it feels different this week…
This week Craig's in no hurry to see the week out. In fact, the only reason he is expediting his commute to work this morning is to complete a very important mission. Craig patted his NASA hoodie sitting on the passenger seat beside him at the very thought and smirked.
“So come on, feel the noise!
Girls, grab your boys!
We get wild, wild, wild!
We get wild, wild, wild!
So come on, feel the noise!
Girls, grab your boys!
We get wild, wild, wild!”.
Tweek is going to look so delicious in navy - Craig can see the image burned clearly in his mind. No matter what busy outfit Tweek has on today, Craig’s NASA hoodie will complete the look - and he is sure it will look more like a dress length on Tweek due to their massive size difference. It will be adorable, beautiful and everything more.
“So you say I got a funny face? I got no worries!
And I don't know why, I don't know why!
Oh, I gotta sing, it's some disgrace, I'm in no hurry!
And I don't know why, I don't know why!
Anymore, no, no, no!”
Craig can barely see the turn to the school car park mere metres away, but he can feel that it's there - and that is honestly good enough. A guesstimate at best, he kept his foot on the accelerator and neglected his brakes as he turned the steering wheel harshly across the oncoming traffic.
“Well, you think we are the lazy type, you should know better!
I don't know why, I DON’T KNOW WHY!”,
“So you say I got a dirty mind? I'm a MEAN GO-GETTER!
I don't know why, I DON’T KNOW WHY!
Anymore, OH, NO!”, Craig bellowed as he kept the steering wheel on full lock recklessly.
BEEP! BEEP! BEEEEEEEEEP!
Craig can’t see who has angrily honked at him this time, and he knows the effort to extend his middle finger in this low visibility will be wasted. Instead, he took another drag of his cigarette and let his van bounce over pot holes as he rocked out to the guitar riff.
Craig squinted as the rain poured harder - good fucking luck spotting a car park this morning! He now wondered how Tweek went - he pictured Tweek cowering in his car and covering his ears to deafen the sound. Yup -that is TOTALLY what he is doing! Craig straightened up importantly in his seat and chucked his cigarette in his mouth - he’s going to keep his eyes peeled for green and do a welfare check. Maybe he can use his dingy umbrella in the back to shield the two of them from the effects of the adverse weather. Maybe Tweek will be shivering so violently from the cold that he will need assistance putting Craig’s hoodie on. Maybe Tweek will thank Craig for being so strong, brave and thoughtful and gaze at Craig like is some sort of hero…
“Come on, feel the noise
Girls, rock your boys
We'll get wild, wild, wild
Wild, wild, wild...".
No sign of green…
Craig blinked.
Red? Confirmed - Craig sees bright red and lots of it. It's enough to burn holes in his retinas.
Red means stop to anybody else - but Craig is reckless and ignorant. He kept on course to speed towards the red and pass it.
WAIT - THAT'S NOT A CAR!
Craig squinted again. He found a gap in the windscreen and was met with the most perfect backside he’s ever seen. Round voluptuous buttocks fill those red jeans so well, and the way those hips dip…
WAIT!
Craig slammed on the breaks.
He winced as he heard the sound of moisture and slosh kicking up under his tires. The van halted to a sudden stop and Craig jolted in his seat. He reached over to manually wind his window down.
“Come on, feel the noise
Girls, rock your boys
We'll get wild, wild, wild!-”.
The music continued to play loudly as Tweek’s furious face appeared on the other side of the window.
He looks thunderous. Craig winced in fear.
One hand is on his hip while the other holds a bright red umbrella. Wild, blonde hair is out and flowing in all directions around his soft red headscarf like he’s been hit by a thunderbolt. His drenched curls have dropped their ringlet shape and dangle past his elbows, just past the long lengths of the extravagant head scarf tied neatly at the nape of his neck. A long gold chain with a Tree Of Life pendant attached is still swinging wildly around his neck. Tweek’s right eye is twitching involuntarily beneath narrowed brows. Tweek’s lips are more rosy today - is he wearing tinted lip balm?! I bet it tastes like cherries…But Craig shook his head to snap out of it, because what is more noticeable to Craig is that Tweek has his famous snarl fixed firmly in place and - his heart sank - Tweek’s tight red jeans which are covered in various gold zippers are drenched and stained with slosh and mud. To add insult to injury, Tweek’s bright red ribbed top with red ribbons tied into bows on the sleeves have copped the brunt of Craig’s idiotic abrupt short-stop - there’s black mud splashed all down the front of it.
Wild, wild, wild!
Come on, feel the noise!
Girls, rock your boys!
We'll get wild, wild, WILD!
AND ROCK!
Craig realized the music is still at a deafening volume.
(Come on!) Come on! (Feel it!)
(Come on!) Girls, rock your boys (Work it!)
(We'll get wild, wild, wild)-
He quickly leaned over and turned the stereo down to half dial, and then looked back to those furious looking eyes. Craig gulped.
“Uh - some day we’re having!”, Craig greeted cheerfully - perhaps Tweek will see the humour in my remark?!
But the eye twitched more rapidly. Tweek opened his mouth and Craig stiffened his muscles to brace himself for impact.
“DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHY THERE ARE SIGNS ALL THROUGH THE CAR PARK TELLING PEOPLE TO GO SLOW?!”, Tweek screeched, “WELL - LET ME CLUE YOU IN! IT IS SO PEOPLE DON’T GET MOWN DOWN! IT’S SO PEOPLE STAY SAFE! IT’S SO OUTFITS DO - NOT - GET - RUINED!”, Tweek gestured wildly with his free hand to show off the collateral damage.
We're gonna get wild (Wild, wild, wild)
We're gonna get wild tonight! (Come on, feel the noise)
Rock it tonight! (Girls, rock your boys)”.
“I’m sorry!”, Craig is internally punching himself - must be a fucking great look grovelling to this stunning creature with my lit cigarette is hanging out of my mouth - SAID NO-ONE EVER!, “I didn’t see you!”.
Tweek snarled, “DIDN’T SEE -”, he shot Craig an incredulous look, “-ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!”, Tweek stomped a bright red boot into a puddle and cried out in anger as it splashed on his jeans, “WHAT ARE YOU, COLOUR BLIND?!”.
Craig took his opportunity, “Uhh…yeah?”, I’m really not, but it’s worth a shot to tame this raging beauty…
It worked - Tweek huffed, and although he still looked furious, his wild hand gestures ceased and his face softened, “W-WELL - YOU STILL NEED TO BE CAREFUL! YOU COULD HAVE HIT ME - RRR!”.
Craig assessed the situation - it’s pouring and Tweek is standing out in the rain. He promptly leaned over and threw the passenger door open before turning back to Tweek on his left, “Hop in!”.
“ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?!”.
“Are you?”, Craig asked calmly. He flicked his cigarette and put it back in his mouth, “You're standing out in that and it’s dry in here - come on! I’ll drop you off at the front entrance. You know - safe passage and shit”.
Craig, I am begging you PLEEAAASSEE - SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Tweek looked himself up and down and scoffed, “I CAN’T GO IN THERE LOOKING LIKE THIS! NGH! NOW - OH SWEET JESUS!”, he jumped and suddenly looked worried, “WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!”.
Craig smirked. He has the answer sitting right beside him on the passenger seat.
Tweek is going to LOVE this…
“I have a solution - just jump in, quick! I’m holding up traffic!”.
It’s true - not only is the wind blowing the icy rain into Craig’s car, but there are headlights behind him waiting for him to make haste.
Tweek grumbled and crossed around the front of the van without another word. And success - I have a sexy passenger for the next thirty seconds!
An intoxicating scent hit Craig’s nostrils as Tweek put his umbrella down and struggled to climb into the van. It’s a potent vanilla and sandalwood cologne, but Craig wouldn’t have a hope in Hell distinguishing the top or subtle notes in the delicious concoction - he would just describe it as “yum”.
Craig stared with his mouth agape as Tweek wiggled into the cabin - he just wants to play with that wild hair all day long. He caught sight of the earrings - a gold chain with a red apple dangling from the end, a gold musical note stud and a strawberry stud in the third hole. Craig cleared his throat and extinguished his cigarette in his ash tray as Tweek tossed himself into the passenger’s seat. His orb-like eyes narrowed as he observed the discarded rubbish at his feet on the floor and his nose wrinkled at the stench of stale cigarettes and grease. Tweek then quickly frowned and wiggled uncomfortably as his ample bottom registered that the lump under it is Craig’s hoodie.
“Ngh - what?!”, Tweek slammed the door shut as he let his eyes curiously comb over the hoodie scrunched up in his left hand.
Craig started to drive very slowly through the car park to look for a spot, “I brought that for you”, Craig rushed out, “You were cold yesterday - uhh - I mean, I hope you don’t think that navy will clash with red”.
Tweek snarled. Craig cocked an eyebrow in confusion.
“I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU ARE COLOUR BLIND!”, Tweek yelled as he fastened his seat belt.
“Uhh…”.
Whoops!
“YOU’RE JUST IMPOSSIBLE!”, Tweek screeched, “DID YOU PLAN THIS SHIT OR SOMETHING?! WHAT - YOU WANT ME TO WEAR THIS HIDEOUS HOODIE INSTEAD OF THIS?!”, he gestured at his soiled outfit, “WHAT IS IT SPARKY - A PRANK?! YOU’RE THAT UP TO YOUR EYEBALLS IN BOREDOM AND DESPERATE TO GET A CHEAP LAUGH?!”.
“Would you calm the fuck down?!”, default defensive Craig activated - hideous hoodie?! “No! I just-”.
WOOOOWWWWWWW!
“GAH!”, Tweek nearly jumped out of his skin as the track changed on Craig’s CD and opened with a loud scream.
DIRTY! ROCKING! FILTHY! STINKIN’!
Ahh shit - Cherry Pie is playing!
Craig quickly cut the volume to the stereo completely - he doesn’t need another reminder of the colour red from this song playing.
But ooh baby…this Jitterbug can be my Cherry Pie ANY DAY OF THE WEEK!
“As I was saying-”, Craig turned left carefully in the car park and spotted a free park up against a brick wall in the corner, “-I didn’t want you getting cold! For some reason you have some aversion to jackets or jumpers - it’s fucking freezing out there!”.
“What - you’re worried I will catch a cold?!”, Tweek sassed with a grumpy expression on his face.
“Yeah!”, well, it's honest?
Tweek scoffed, “Dumb ass! Viruses cause colds - not the God damn temperature!”.
“Then why are viruses more common in Winter?!”.
“I dunno - go and ask the Biology teacher - bother somebody else other than me for a change!”, Tweek crossed his arms dismissively and looked out the window to deliberately avoid Craig’s line of sight.
Craig sighed - he got me there!
Craig carefully rolled into the car park and cut the engine.
"I thought you were dropping me off at the entrance?!", Tweek enquired waspishly.
"Change of plan", Craig shuffled in his seat nervously and dared to meet Tweek's icy glare. He strongly suspected that the only reason Tweek hasn't flung the van door open and made a run for it is because of the torrential weather outside, "Umm - I have a towel in the back, it's kind of clean - you can use it to dry off".
"Kind of clean?!", Tweek questioned, "KIND OF CLEAN?! I - NO!".
But Craig had already opened his van door and yelped as the pouring rain lashed against him.
"FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!" , he cursed as he hurried around to the back. He moved quickly to pry the back of the van open and snatch around with his fingers frozen stiff to find his white towel covered in marks. He grabbed his umbrella and desperately opened it to shield himself - would have been fucking smart to do that first - before hurrying back to the driver's side. When he returned, he tossed the towel at Tweek so he could free his hands to deal with the umbrella.
"RRR!".
Craig looked over to see what the Hell the problem is now.
UH OH! The towel had landed right on target - smack-bang! It draped from the top of Tweek's head and covered his face dirty side facing down. Tweek snatched if off with a snarl, "YUCK!".
Craig sighed impatiently - nothing is fucking going right is it?! God damn universe is against us! But Craig kept it cool - his rationale?! Don't spook the Jitterbug and certainly do NOT scratch him the wrong way, "Relax - the other side is clean...here...".
Craig swallowed thickly and shuffled closer toward a twitching Tweek. Wide, curious eyes met his own as Craig fluffed the towel and used the clean side to start gently drying his hair.
It felt awkward, but Craig's heart was singing - Tweek is letting me do this!
"Umm", Tweek unbuckled his seat-belt and say forward. He shuffled closer too, "Might be easier".
"Mmhm...", but despite his nonchalant response, Craig's insides were exploding with fireworks - that's it Jitterbug, come closer to me...that's the way!
Tweek started to vibrate. Craig wrapped the towel tighter around Tweek in a desperate attempt to generate warmth. Craig ensured he kept his technique to gentle pat-dry motions. Tweek was glancing around nervously at anything that wasn't Craig, including at the hoodie scrunched up in his left hand.
Craig pulled the towel away and let his eyes fall to Tweek's soft plump lips. DEFINITELY lip balm, "Better?".
Tweek continued to vibrate coarsely, but he nodded silently. Craig clicked his tongue and gently tugged at the hoodie in Tweek's loose grip.
"Here...this will help...".
Craig fluffed the hoodie and stretched the neckline before placed it carefully over Tweek's head. When it got stuck due to the dampness of Tweek's hair, he shuffled over the centre console and carefully yanked it down. Tweek jumped at the contact and let out a raspy gasp for air. Just as Craig moved closer and readjusted his grip to straighten out the arms, Tweek's hands flew upwards to help and their hands touched.
Warm. Despite the weather dictating below zero temperatures, Tweek's biology protests and says 'fuck it, we're doing the opposite!'. Craig certainly craved more, but Tweek let out a twittering noise and jumped again as if shocked by a overwhelming current.
"GAH! YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG! I'M SUFFOCATING!", Tweek lashed out - did he feel something in that moment too?
"Well help a guy out would you?! Put your arms up!".
Struggling, grunting and uneven breathing ensued, but at last Tweek had the hoodie on. Craig sat back and took in the sight - better than he could have ever imagined. The hoodie sits right above Tweek's knees and is bunched up on his arms, but Craig doesn't have a better definition for the word perfect. Write to Oxford and slap a photo of Tweek in the dictionary beside it - there is no better imagery than this!
But Tweek whined - "I look ridiculous!". He tutted and pulled his red hair scarf out and shook his blonde mane wildly, "This", he gestured sadly at his scarf, "Doesn't go with that!", he looked himself up and down with a frown.
"Sure it does", Craig's goofy smile is plastered on his face from the sight of Tweek and doesn't quite match the seriousness of the situation, "Red and Blue are primary colours, looks bitchin'".
Craig wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
Bitchin'
Not 'Out of this world', not 'dynamite'. Not 'beautiful'.
I chose to say bitchin'...
Tweek just blinked at him.
Craig came to his senses and made the attempt to salvage the situation, "What I mean is - you stopped shaking-", it's true - Tweek is no longer trembling and seems relatively calm- "-You're warm, and my hoodie hides most of the mud...".
Tweek huffed, "Ngh - yes it does - but I can't keep my soiled clothes on all day - I need to get them to a dry cleaner!".
"Umm...", Craig was thinking fast, "Why?! Can't it wait?!.
"If I want stained clothes it can!", Tweek sassed, "My top and jeans were expensive, Craig - and hard to find!".
"You need to dry clean jeans?!", Craig frowned - sounds preposterous, "What about your washing machine? Just chuck them in!".
Tweek sighed impatiently, "Are you crazy?! Especially jeans! Red stains and fades easily - the dye is not colour fast!", Tweek looked at Craig sadly, "I'll have to take them off and manage with the hoodie...".
Craig's heart started thumping - Tweek in my over-sized hoodie with bare legs and in those boots?! Hubba hubba!
Tweek was still muttering wildly and now looked panicked, "JESUS, I can't get to the dry cleaner until lunchtime - and what if I can't find a bag to put them in?! OH CHRIST - what a hassle! I look so under-dressed...".
Craig suddenly had an idea. He slid to the door of the van again and threw it open and hurried to the back of the van again.
"FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKKKKK!".
He threw himself into the back and rummaged around some draws until he finally found what he was looking for. He triumphantly snatched at a bundle of rags until he found a long piece of navy material. He shoved it in his pocket and hurried back to an incensed looking Tweek.
Tweek opened his mouth to spew sass, but Craig quickly raised a hand to silence him and pulled out the material, "Here - a special accessory. My gift to you - turn around".
Tweek cocked an eyebrow, "W-what?!".
Craig huffed, "You're on about the headband not matching - just - turn around".
Tweek's eyes fell to the material and Craig could have died and gone to Heaven. No sassy retort. No jittering. No furious expression - in fact, his lips are parted and he looks like he's trying to process Craig's proposal. All in all, Craig feels like a winner - Tweek looked genuinely touched by Craig's thoughtfulness.
Tweek complied silently - clearly he's not keen to vocalize his thoughts and would rather conceal them. Craig's fingers shook as he smoothed out the material and watched Tweek raise his arms to grab his long locks and to bunch them up for Craig to work easier.
"I don't know what I'm doing...", Craig muttered as he stuck his tongue out between teeth to concentrate, "I'll just tie it at the bottom, K?".
Tweek made a non-committal noise and gripped his hair tighter. Craig gently placed the material like a headband at the top of Tweek's head and brought it behind Tweek's ears on either side.
And dear God fuck - what an honour to touch such soft lustrous hair. It's like silk - and mixed with that alluring cologne...well, Craig just wants to call it a day and stay right here with Tweek until knock off time.
"Tie it in a knot and not a bow", Tweek's request brought Craig out of his reverie - the tone isn't bossy, it's quiet and gentle - Tweek isn't ripping Craig a new one or flipping out on him for once - somebody get the camera!
"Ok, I'm done...turn around...".
Tweek looked shy as he spun in his seat and faced Craig.
Craig's jaw dropped.
DING DING DING! - WHAT A KNOCK-OUT!
"You look-, Craig hesitated to allow his brain to be appropriate for once, "-wonderful. Really suits you". He felt his own cheeks burn as he noticed Tweek's cheeks flood with colour. The jittering re-commenced immediately as Tweek hastily grabbed the sun visor and flipped it down to use the mirror.
"T-thanks? It - completes the look", Tweek made some minor adjustments to fix his curls around the headband and Craig felt flooded with feelings of regret - I should have done that for him!
A ringing noise - the bell has gone. Tweek positively jumped in fear in reaction - the top of his head nearly hit the car roof, "I HAVE TO GO!".
Craig sprung into action immediately.
Fuck this weather!
Fuck school!
He started the van and threw it in reverse.
"WHAT ARE YOU DO-".
"-Trust me, okay?!", Craig turned the windscreen wipers on full, flicked on the headlights and changed gear to drive. He let the car roll at a sloth pace, "Don't bother buckling up!".
Craig side-glanced an extremely anxious looking Tweek. He was clawing around the cabin like a spooked cat in an attempt to hold on for dear life. Once satisfied, he squeezed his eyes shut and started panting. Whatever gets him through the next ten seconds...
Craig brought the van to a stop right in front of the school's entrance in a no-park zone - a higher honour than a loading zone could ever offer. He doesn't give a shit - this is important! Craig put the van in park and let it idle. He was careful to have Tweek's side closest to the awning to offer shelter. Before Tweek could offer a comment, Craig got out of the van, popped the umbrella up and crossed to Tweek's side. He opened the door and pushed the umbrella as close to the cabin as it would go to offer Tweek a dry path inside.
Tweek looked down at Craig completely speechless. He was hesitating - why?! But Craig noticed the problem within seconds - Tweek's eyes are scanning the ground and his boots and calculating the jump, and Craig was certain Tweek's worried about the pooling of water on the ground three inches deep.
Craig smiled and offered a hand - "Here...".
Their eyes met - and Craig could get lost forever. He wondered what it would be like to be in Tweek's fashionable shoes - he's certainly feeling many things in this moment. Craig could see anxiety+++ - it's a complicated entangled mess of insecurities and worries deep inside Tweek - that much is evident. Craig can imagine that Tweek's synapses are in overdrive. Tweek is no doubt worried about everything from making a fool of himself, getting more drenched, twisting his ankle, falling and cracking his head open on the asphalt, scuffing his expensive boots...but there's another worry there too - it's more personal - and Craig's heart started thudding faster - Craig's at the core of it all, he's sure of it...
"Come on...you can trust me", Craig offered reassurance. He flashed a kind smile and stretched his hand out further.
Something shifted behind those terrified eyes before Tweek took the leap of faith - and Craig heard a breathy gasp as he caught Tweek in his arms. Umbrella on the ground and idling van forgotten, Craig adjusted his grip on Tweek and hurried undercover to the automatic door at the entrance.
"Did you think I was going to let you land in the puddle?", Craig shook his head in disbelief as they crossed the threshold. He could feel slender fingers gripping the back of Craig's jacket tightly - Tweek is holding on for dear life but he is making no noise of complaint.
Once Craig let Tweek down gently to let his feet touch ground, Tweek scurried back and examined Craig in state of shock. Speechless. Stunned. Frozen to the floor. Completely lost for words - Craig waited nervously for a sign that he did good - and just as he was about to accept that this is the best it's going to get, Craig's heart almost flew into his windpipe as Tweek suddenly smiled at him radiantly.
"Y-you're - NGH! strong!", Tweek turned bright red and glanced off to the side, "I-I'm still mad at you - B-but..that was fun!".
Craig beamed. Fun?! Ooh baby - I'm in like Flynn!
Craig scratched his head involuntarily and his chullo fell lopsided. He can feel the goofy smile on his face - I must look like the biggest buffoon - but as the thought crossed his mind, Tweek shuffled closer and stood on tippy-toes to start fussing with the chullo.
Be still my heart!
Tweek stood back and blushed.
"T-thanks Sparky!", and before Craig could respond, Tweek had turned on his bright red heels and dashed off down the corridor.
Craig stood hopelessly and watched him go. His umbrella is blowing wildly in the wind outside, his van remains abandoned and idling in everybody's way and he's forgotten why he's even here today - heck, he's practically forgotten his own name.
"T-thanks Sparky!"
Yeah...I'm Sparky. That's ME!
Then Craig smacked is forehead and groaned.
"I forgot to ask him about lunch!", he muttered to himself angrily.
"Don't worry - from what I can see? if you ask him out for a lunch date, it will be a resounding yes!".
Craig blushed and glanced at the receptionist Bebe, who had her black boots up on the desk and a purple glittery nail file busily shaping her long crimson nails.
"Uhh...".
⌁⏧⌁⏧⌁⏧⌁⏧⌁⏧⌁⏧⌁⏧⌁⏧⌁⏧⌁⏧⌁⏧⌁⏧⌁⏧⌁⏧⌁⏧
"Smiled like the sun, kisses for everyone
And tales, it never fails...".
Craig's lungs are begging. His skin is crawling. He's earned his smoke break - an hour of work on top of this morning's ordeal is payment enough. But with the weather being so wild, he's resorted to pacing his old haunts to find a dry spot to light up.
"You lying so low in the weeds
I bet you gonna ambush me...".
Craig paused his singing as he reached the last concrete step in the fire escape. He shoved open the vent to sight his familiar sheltered ledge on the side of the school building near the roof that faces the school oval.
"You'd have me down, down, down, down on my knees!
Now wouldn't you, barracuda-".
"-Snake in your grass?".
Craig froze. Another voice. It's jovial and teasing, apparently also pleased to catch Craig singing to himself and also seemingly willing for company. Craig coughed as a cloud of laced tobacco surrounded him -fuck a snake being in the grass, this dudes on the wacky tobacco!
All Craig can see is orange. Craig waved his hand to clear the haze to meet a man in a large orange parka. He had his matching neck gaiter pulled down to reveal a weak chin covered in stubble. Hi piercing blue eyes and bushy eyelids are relaxed - hardly a surprise when this guy is high as a kite, but to Craig he seems harmless enough.
With his assessment of the stranger complete, Craig whipped out a cigarette and his lighter from his jacket pocket and leaned against the steel railing beside the stranger.
"It's colder than a witch's tit ain't it?", the man gruffed in complaint. He laughed at his own joke and shot Craig a knowing look, "You're that sparky fellow!".
Craig felt defensive immediately, "How'd you know about the nickname?!".
"I know lots of things...", the man flashed Craig a crooked smile before taking another long drag of his joint, "Especially about twitchy blondes who frequent the staff room for coffee top ups!".
Craig's unease deepened, "What are you on about?! How do you know-".
But the stranger laughed so boisterously that it cut Craig off, "-My main man, I make it my business to know! I see things - and Tweek caves under pressure, it's so easy to put the squeeze on him!".
Craig scoffed and turned away from the man to enjoy his first drag in peace, "I don't know what you're on about!", he finally lied coldly.
The stranger laughed even harder - a smoker's cough followed as he caught his breath, "I guess an introduction wouldn't go astray? I'm Kenny - the groundskeeper - but I prefer to go by 'Professional Key Wrangler' and 'Mischief Manager' - though some just call me 'the pain in the ass' - which I will accept depending on the circumstances. The Principal won't write these titles into my contract because he think's I'm a bit of a joke...", Kenny took another drag and then flashed Craig another smile, "But I take care of things around here - including budding romances!".
Craig took another drag and played it cool, "Well - there's nothing to see here. Sorry to disappoint". That ought to shut this down...
Kenny doubled over in laughter - apparently not - "Dude, I saw the movie length feature in the car park this morning! Fuckin' hell - I have never seen a man down so bad!", he took another drag and winked at Craig, "And that is sayin' something - you reckon I haven't tried to scratch my twitchy itch before? You really think I haven't tried to tune Tweek to the right transmission?!".
Craig's jaw dropped and his fist tensed, "What?!".
Kenny' was clearly enjoying himself. He smiled wider, "True story! He shot me down hard - never showed an interest - ya know, I don't think he liked my sense of humour!", Craig narrowed his eyes - hardly fucking surprising, this guy seems difficult to tolerate at any dose!. Kenny laughed again and continued to vocalize his theories on Tweek rejecting his past advances, "It's probably coz I teased him so much, but ya know what they say right? Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen!", Kenny took another moment to laugh at his own hilarity as Craig eyed him with dislike, "But in all seriousness, that's the wrong approach - Tweek is such a diva - all in all, he's looking for something else - but hey, that's all in the past!", Kenny flashed his ring finger to Craig, and Craig's eyes widened in surprise to see a thick cyan-coloured band.
"Uhh...congratulations?", Craig took a drag and felt relief flood him - at least this dickhead isn't going to be a threat!
"Oh - it's just a promise ring", Kenny chuckled, "My partner wears an orange coloured one. It's commitment enough for now - I ain't walkin' down the aisle yet! But ya know, it was meant to be, man - Leo started teaching here a couple of months after Tweek told me very kindly to fuck off - and I couldn't be happier!".
Craig furrowed his brows in confusion, "You're with a teacher? Leo - a guy?!".
"Hey hey hey - I detest that!", Kenny suddenly shot out, "You're on the gay and narrow aren't ya?".
Craig took another drug and made it crystal clear that he is annoyed, "What the fuck are you talking about?!".
"You're all girls and guys - gay or straight - no in-between!", Kenny took another puff of his joint and shook his head, "Narrow minded!".
Craig huffed impatiently, "I feel like you're trying to make a point, and you've got about 10 seconds before I peace out and go find another place to smoke!".
Kenny clearly saw Craig's threat as being below the belt, because he immediately cut to the chase, "I'm gender fluid! I ain't working with clear borders, alright?! I shift, I feel - I am who I am".
Craig shrugged, "Sure - whatever makes you happy I guess?".
With that off his chest, Kenny looked relieved, "Leo on the other hand is male. Strictly 'fly the rainbow flag' male. He teaches Biology here, dips into a bit of Chemistry, but that's mostly reserved for our lunch breaks-".
Craig groaned and rolled his eyes, "-Urgh - too much information!" - it's hard on Craig that Leo's classroom is the one he just finished working on before this smoke break and that he got a good look at him. Being able to picture the two together is possible, but he would rather keep his thoughts free for thinking about him and Tweek.
Kenny chuckled. Kenny now obnoxiously moved closer to Craig and deliberately shoved their face closer to flash him a teasing smile, "Let's get back on track eh? From what I can see, you've made more progress in two days than I made in about six months - you carried him in this morning wearing your hoodie, care to share the magic formula?!".
Craig threw Kenny a disgusted look, "There's no formula! I'm just here for a week making electrical repairs and then I will be on my way! That - with Tweek - I mean, Mr. Tweak-", Craig's voice shook slightly as he tried to play off whatever it is with Tweek as absolutely nothing, "-He was cold! and there were puddles-".
"-YOU ARE SO DOWN!", Kenny cackled, "BIGGEST CASE OF DENIAL I HAVE EVER SEEN - well actually, it's pretty close to Tweek's when I annoyed him yesterday about it. Once I saw you coming back from lunch together I rushed to him for information!".
"And I bet you came up dry", Craig responded with a smirk.
But Kenny tutted, "Not dry as a bone - bit of a drought but - trust me when I say this - he's definitely into you!".
Craig sighed. He finished his cigarette and threw it to the ground to stomp it out before reaching for another - he needs a double-dose putting up with this bullshit, "I appreciate your attempts at playing matchmaker - but the game is over! I don't know if Tweek is single, what he likes, who he likes- nothing, alright?! It's a no go, and I'm going back to work!", Craig made the move to turn away - he knows somewhere else he can get a moment's peace while he enjoys his next smoke.
"He's single", Kenny offered, "He lives alone in nice loft uptown. He loves music and animals, and he acts like a total dismissive sass-pot, but he's addicted to the daytime soap operas and is frequently in floods in the staff room over tender romantic moments between the characters. He's a bundle of anxiety and then some, but coffee usually calms him down - I reckon he gets a paradoxical reaction. He loves fashion and pours over magazines for inspiration - and he's a natural at finding a bargain at the mall and thrift stores for his threads. He's a hot mess who seemingly appears to have dropped his marbles and no sense of purpose, but don't be fooled - he does have his ducks in a row".
Craig just stared, "How do you know all that shit?!".
"I'm observant", Kenny pointed at their eyes and nodded sharply, "Gotta be around here - I'm sharp! I catch out the students up to no good and I selectively turn them in -my skills have cut me some good deals at times!", they raised his almost finished joint and let out a harsh laugh, "But I work my guts out- Principal Thorn is either unawares or turning a blind eye to it - nevertheless I remain on the payroll".
Craig just nodded, "So...he's definitely single?".
"Definitely", Kenny reported happily, "I've quizzed him - seems he attracts trouble and is learning the art of saying no and upholding his standards. Tells me that he's 'holding out for a hero' - bless, because that's the image I got when I saw you carrying him bridal style this morning! And his face was something else - he looked pleased as punch!".
Craig couldn't help but smile - did he?!
"Look dude", Kenny interrupted Craig's private moment, "Get your man! Whatever you're doing - keep doing it! Just...don't ruin any more of his clothes, he will start billing you for them!".
"I don't care if he does", Craig said mushily, "I'm going to pay for his dry cleaning bill when I ask him out to lunch today".
Kenny punched the air, "That's the sort of sappy shit Tweek will lap up in a heart beat! See?! You don't need my help-".
"-I really don't", Craig agreed firmly - is this conversation over?! I have work to do before I ask Tweek out for lunch!
"Well what are you waiting for dude?! Go on! He's going to say yes! He's got his red get up in a plastic bag and that hoodie on like an over-sized dress - he's practically got your name written all over him!".
Craig had never moved so fast in his entire life...
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Craig opened the man hole to Tweek's classroom to catch the end of the lesson - which was to observe Tweek's senior class groaning in disappointment while Tweek frantically held his hands up to placate.
"I know theory is the pits - I know! If it were up to me we would let the music play all the time!", Tweek called out to the sea of long faces, "But the history of music is very important to appreciate! We've covered turntablism and DJing - pretty simple concept, I expect you knew the difference already- mmph-", Tweek paused and appeared thoughtful for a moment, "-Next lesson is theory, sure - but we will cover the emergence of the Drum N Bass scene and compare it to Dubstep, House and Jungle - ngh -which are often all defined as the same thing - they are not!", Tweek said passionately - clearly it's a pet peeve of his that people mix up their music genres, and Craig wanted to immediately run to find an appropriate textbook to brush up his knowledge.
"But SIRRRRRR - this is all a load of crap! We fucking hate learning about this shit!", a smart-mouthed red haired boy with a sneer firmly in place shot out at Tweek.
But Tweek was apparently not having any nonsense, "Scott so help me God! You took this class as a vocational, correct?! You're here because you WANT to be - now, if you have changed your mind, kindly go and see Bebe at reception and go sign up for woodwork instead!".
"But this is poofter shit! I'm not interested in hearing about what they play at gay clubs! Teach us about something decent!".
Tweek let out a hissing sound - somewhere between a boiling kettle and a screechy cat. Craig saw his opportunity.
"INCOMING!".
Craig leapt down with both feet and stacked it on the floor beside Tweek's desk. His knees roared with pain and his shins ached, "AHHHHHH - FUCK!", Craig stumbled backwards as he heard laughter chime through the classroom.
"Check out long legs here! Fucking fell from the roof - what a dickhead!", the loud-mouth known as Scott was at it again - and Craig decided then and there that he is going to have ZERO TOLERANCE for this little twerp's attitude.
"YOU WANNA TRY THAT AGAIN ASSHOLE?!", Craig fumed before stepping forward to shield Tweek, "HOW ABOUT YOU SHOW SOME RESPECT, HUH?! LAST I CHECKED - THE TEACHER TALKS AND YOU ZIP YOUR LIPS!".
"Ooooh - tough guy tradie eh?", the boy named Scott looked thoroughly entertained, "Don't you have some power points to plug in or something?! Maybe ask Mr. Tweak - I am sure his own 'power point' that you can connect yourself up to!".
The class broke out in ringing laughter as Tweek stepped forward. Craig shot a side-glance of him - and wow. Fucking God damn - what a beautiful mess!
The multi-tone blonde hair is dried and wild yet looks intentionally styled. The hair-do reminds Craig of Farrah Fawcett, and Craig's blue rag as a headband just completes the look to perfection. Craig's hoodie looks stunning on him - it's screaming cozy Sunday morning vibes, but the way Tweek has tied his red headscarf around like a belt makes it more of an outfit. The shoes match the belt and the bare, slender milky calves now on show are making Craig weak at the knees.
"GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM - GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUUUUTTT!", Tweek thundered, "YOU HAVE NONE - Z-ZERO APPRECIATION FOR THE ART OF MUSIC! YOU'RE A WASTE OF MY TIME - GO!".
When Scott went to open his mouth, Craig shot him a dangerous look, "YOU HEARD HIM!", adding back-up can't hurt - and Craig wants to score points for being helpful.
The two-pronged attack worked like a treat. Scott grabbed his backpack, slung it over his shoulder and walked silently from the room without another murmur. The class sat silently holding their breaths while looking between Tweek and Craig to see what is next.
RIIINNNNGGGGGGGGG!
Nobody moved until Tweek jumped on the spot and screeched out, "D-DISMISSED!".
Craig waited until the last student left before he turned toward Tweek while digging into his pocket, "Nicely handled".
Tweek looked unsure of Craig's compliment - apparently his brain is running several security scans to pick up for any sarcasm or ill-intent. Apparently this generated zero results, because Tweek smiled slightly and stuttered nervously, "T-thanks - I-I had it covered - ngh - though!".
Craig smiled, "I know - and I am sure the whole school knows", he nervously ran his long fingers over the flower inside his pocket that he picked from the garden outside earlier.
Tweek looked away from Craig nervously, "Uhh - I brought my lunch today but I left it in my car...but if you want coffee again-".
"-Forget the sandwich shop today - and forget your lunch - I'm taking you somewhere different", Craig announced - and immediately he wanted to smack himself again - Craig, you fucktard! you're supposed to ASK HIM OUT, not just ASSUME he's good for it!
But to Craig's enormous surprise, Tweek shot him a sweet smile and reached under his desk to grab his bag, "I am not going swimming out there - ngh - so as long as we stay dry! A-and I am paying today!".
Craig shook his head firmly, "We're staying dry - and wallet away-", Craig pulled out the pink and yellow wild rose he found growing outside and offered it to Tweek, "-Anything you want to eat at the mall okay - your choice. And bring your soiled clothes, we can drop them off to be dry cleaned".
Tweek looked swept off his feet. His eyes danced in delight and his cheeks dusted pink. Craig felt a familiar swooping sensation in his gut that seems reserved just for this bright Jitterbug. Tweek shouldered his bag and nudged Craig's side, "Shall we?".
"After you", Craig played gentleman and gestured for Tweek to go through the door first. Tweek blushed and smiled wider. He snatched his keep cup gifted from Craig off his desk and went through the doorway.
"What's your grand plan for staying dry Sparky?", Tweek asked as they walked side by side down the busy corridor - both seemed completely oblivious the presence of hundreds of students bustling around them - they were in their own little world.
"Driving the van right up to the door. Sharing an umbrella - don't worry Jitterbug - I am well trained in keeping water well away from electricity".
Their eyes met. They exchanged smiles. Tweek edged closer so they carelessly bumped into each other's arms occasionally as students shoved their way passed them.
"Can I pick the music when we get into the van?", Tweek enquired enthusiastically as they arrived in the front entrance.
"Be my guest", Craig responded simply - anything your heart desires, dear Jitterbug...
Tweek looked ecstatic - happy - 'pleased as punch' as Kenny would put it. Craig couldn't be happier - his heart is singing and he feels like he finally got the tune just right.
"We can talk about the colour red while I repeat 'Cum On Feel The Noize' on your CD, and we can compare the original version to your 80's cover!", Tweek said happily with a wink.
Craig smiled goofily while his insides short-circuited once more.
God damn - I'm soooooo fucking done for!
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I couldn't stop imagining Tweek's outfits, so I drew this the night I wrote this chapter
I am not good at art - it's just me being me and trying!
