Chapter Text
“Who would win in a fight-“
“Goku.”
“Wh-what, no, I wasn’t going to say- I wasn’t going to say Goku“
“Well, you said who would win in a fight, and the answer is Goku. You’d have to say ‘Aside from Goku, who would win in a fight?’ or give me some choices.”
“Give me some time!”
“Give me some choices.”
“Okay, fine, who would win in a fight? Luke Skywalker or Captain Kirk?”
“William Shatner Captain Kirk, or Chris Pine Captain Kirk?”
“William Shatner.”
“Luke Skywalker.”
“Why?”
“Light saber and much more agile then William Shatner’s Kirk.”
“That’s fair.”
Sugawara Koushi and Oikawa Tooru stood in front of a cemetery entrance, dressed in pale blue vests with matching bowties and white collared shirts, a Valet Parking sign sat between them. Suga turned to look at his best friend, jerking his head in the direction of an approaching car. Oikawa eyed the vehicle, nodded his head and waved at the driver as he parked, accepting the man’s keys and offering his condolences. Suga picked up the sign and placed it in the backseat of the car, getting into the passenger side as Oikawa slid into the driver’s seat.
“Alright,” Suga said as Oikawa started the vehicle and pulled away from the curb. “Who do you think is a better bowler-“
“Goku.”
---
The pair pulled into Ukai’s Automotive, rolling down the stolen car’s windows to address the man as he walked up.
“Look at you dumbshits in your fuckin’ bowties!” He laughed, dropping a cigarette to the ground and putting it out with the heel of his boot “Where the hell you pick this up?”
“Valeting.” Suga offered with a grin, getting out of the car and lifting the sign out of the backseat.
“It’s a 2011, perfect condition.” Oikawa supplied, handing the owner’s manual over to Ukai along with the keys.
“I can see that, nice find. I can move this shit easy.”
Ukai shoved his hands into his oil stained jumpsuit, leaning back on the garage and nodding at the two 24 year olds standing before him, “It’ll never cease to fuck me up that you two steal from dead people.”
“Uh-uh,” Suga chirped with a wave of his finger, “we don’t steal from dead people.”
“Yeah, just dead’s people’s living relatives.” Oikawa offered, following Ukai as he turned to move into his office. He pulled a wad of money out of a safe keep box and handed it over to the brunette.
“Whatever helps y’all sleep at night,” he sighed, standing and lighting up another cigarette, “I remember when y’all used to be nice kids.” He mused, pushing Suga in the shoulder as he moved to pick his valet sign back up, turning it onto its wheels.
“You’re breaking my heart, Ukai.” Suga laughed, turning with Oikawa to walk back towards their apartment complex.
“You’re still my favorite, favorite degenerates!” Ukai called after, “I’ll see y’all later, maybe.”
The boys waved him off, laughing under their breath as they rounded the corner away from the repair shop.
“Alright, who’d you rather find in your bathroom, Sadako or Toshio?”
---
When Oikawa and Suga arrived at their apartment complex, they did not expect to find a child sitting beside their door, or to hear shrill screaming coming from the one next to it. The pair slowed down, turning to side eye one another, Oikawa shrugging and moving forward to get into their apartment. Suga rolled his eyes at the lack of emotional response from his best friend, and moved to kneel down in front of the small freckled kid.
“Hey, uh- buddy? You, um, you doing alright?” Suga stumbled, not really sure how to even approach a child let alone this kind of situation.
The boy looked up abruptly, shock coloring his tear stained face. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands quickly before running his sleeve once under his nose. “U-uh y-yeah I’m okay. Sorry, my mom slept through an interview a-and I was supposed to wake her up b-but I forgot because I was doin’ homework and I just got distracted and I’m sorry bu-“
“Whoa there, let’s slow down, okay?” Suga hesitated before putting a light hand on the kid’s shoulder, looking up to see Oikawa with a grimace on his face before pushing open their door and retreating into their kitchen, probably to make tea. Suga was trying to figure out how to comfort the kid in front of him when the neighboring door swung open.
Suga startled backward, falling onto his ass. A thin woman gripping a cellphone tight in her fist stood in the doorway, breathing heavily and scanning her eyes around the hall before they fell on the kid.
“Tadashi!” She snapped, moving to grab him by the sleeve of his shirt before seeming to finally notice Suga sat there. Her expression immediately changed from harsh to kind, snatching her hand back from her son and using it to smooth down her hair and blouse. Suga managed to regain his bearings and stood up, brushing dirt off the seat of his pants, fixing a wary glare on the woman.
“Hi,” she managed, holding her hand out in greeting, “I’m Yamaguchi Tamiko.”
“Sugawara Koushi, but please, just Suga is fine.”
“It’s so nice to meet you Suga-san, uhm, sorry about all-“ She gestured her thumb over her shoulder toward the ajar apartment door, “I had a very important interview and somebody,” she shot a quick glare over in the kid’s direction, “didn’t wake me up, and you know how the job market is right now, this could have been my ticket out of unemployment, not that I’m really that desperate for a job we’re- we’re, uh, managing just fine, but it’s just so annoying having to schedule things over the phone and everyone expects you to know how to use Excel and type one hundred words a minute and-“
Suga put his hands up in an attempt to cut the woman’s rambling off, now knowing where the kid got it from. She stopped, eyes going wide, probably after realizing she had been babbling to a stranger “Um, it’s okay, as long as everything’s alright here?”
“Oh, yes, everything’s fine. Thank you, you don’t have to worry.” Her voice was clipped, a tight smile pushing at her cheeks.
“Okay, well, it was nice to meet you Yamaguchi-san,” He turned to wave at the boy sat on the floor, “you too, Tadashi-kun.” As he moved away toward his door he looked over his shoulder at the woman, “Um, guess we’ll be seeing you around? Welcome to the building.” Quickly he shuffled into his apartment, locking the door behind him and sighing against it. Oikawa moved into his view, already changed out of his valet get-up and holding two steaming mugs.
“I’m going to have to change your name from Refreshing-kun to Awkward-kun, you know that right?”
“Shut the fuck up, Tooru, at least I didn’t just shrug and runaway from a crying child! You heartless piece of shit.”
“Ouch, Kou-chan! That really hurts!” Oikawa feigned being wounded as he sat the second mug down on the counter next to Suga, sniffling like he was about to cry “After all I’ve done for you, you treat me so meanly.”
Suga rolled his eyes though a smile graced his lips, fingers curling around the too-big mug and foot reaching out to kick Oikawa in the shin. “You’re such a drama queen, seriously.”
True to his title, Oikawa only pouted further, flipping Suga the finger before slinking off to the couch. Suga took a sip from his tea, setting it down before undoing his bowtie and the buttons to his vest and shirt. He moved across the apartment to his bedroom, finding something more comfortable to change into.
“Hey!” Oikawa yelled from his spot on the couch, “You wanna go pester your sister? I’m starving!”
“Sure, just give me a minute.”
---
The Unidentified Flying Waffle was a diner on the outskirts of the city known for its humorous approach at making food more extraterrestrial. Oikawa fucking loved it. The alien shaped pancakes and the star shaped waffles, mashed potatoes shaped like Devil’s Tower and eggs cooked into the shapes of UFOs. Even the waitress get-up was amazing. Black knee length, 50’s styled dresses speckled with white stars, cute little plush aliens in their spaceships pinned to the white diner hats. It was all so amazing, but what was even more amazing, was seeing one Shimizu Kiyoko adorned in it all.
When she made her way over to her brother and his best friend, her fake service smile instantly dropped from her face, her features falling back into their normal stony expression as she set two glasses and a pitcher of orange juice down on their table.
“What do you two want?”
“Kiyoko-chan, is that really anyway to address your guests?? How do you expect to get tipped with an attitude like that?” Oikawa leaned over the table on his elbows, a shit eating grin plastered over his face. “Besides,” he teased “aren’t you forgetting something?”
“Ah, yes.” Suga joined in, also resting his elbows on the table.
“Koushi, come on, don’t do this,” Kiyoko sighed, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose with her middle finger.
“What?” Oikawa laughed “Is it not Flying Waffle’s policy that when a server-“
“That’d be you.”
“Greets a guest-“
“That’s be us.”
“That said server must perform the Flying Waffle Twistaroo?”
“Koushi, come on, no.”
The devious pair stared at Kiyoko with wide smiles and expectant eyes for a good minute before finally she sighed and rolled her eyes up to the ceiling, her arms coming up onto her hips as she half-assed dancing and speaking the song instead of singing it
“Thank you for crash landing at the UFW,” Her fingers crossed over her chest to form a ‘W’ with her thumbs and index fingers “Home of the Flying Waffle Twistaroo,”she turned in a circle slowly “what may I get soaring for you?”
“Wow, every time!” Suga laughed, clapping his hands together gleefully.
Oikawa snorted with laughter, also clapping “It’s so stupid, oh my god!”
“Fuck you, bed-shitter.” Kiyoko said in her strangely calm manner. The table behind them looked up disgusted, before turning back around to presumably mind their own business. Kiyoko slid into the booth next to her brother, pouring the juice into their cups and taking one for herself, “So what have you two been up to? Stealing more cars I assume.”
“Hey, we’re very dignified in our profession.” Oikawa said, taking the other juice but not drinking it.
“You two should just steal little old ladies purses, it’s more direct.”
“Kiyoko-chan I’m offended! What do we look like, criminals?!”
“Well, looks can be deceiving.”
“And that,” Suga chimed in, taking Oikawa’s juice from him and taking a sip “is what makes us so successful.” He turned to flash a bright smile at his sister before returning his eyes to the menu in front of him. Kiyoko let out a drawn out exhale, swirling the juice in her glass before looking at Suga from the corner of her eye.
“Mom called me yesterday, by the way.”
“Yeah?” Suga offered, annoyed, dropping his menu back down on the table and turning to look out the window.
“Yeah.” Kiyoko said back more stern, rotating her body to get a better look at her brother. “Dad got into another fight at the pub,” Silence from Suga, Kiyoko continued anyway. “Mom’s really upset, you should really call her. I know you’re too far up your own ass to give a shit but-“
“Pancakes,” Oikawa cut in, over loud and deliberate “I think I’ll have the pancakes today, what about you Koushi?”
“Yeah, pancakes sound great.” Suga gave his sister a very pointed look before handing her a large bill. Kiyoko took it, shoving it into her apron pocket before scooting out of the booth and moving on to her next table without a goodbye.
Suga reached up and trailed a finger over his eyebrow, pausing before he could get to the break in light hair and feel the smooth scar. Oikawa gave him a fleeting look of sadness before straightening his back and clearing his throat. “So, you got another funeral in you today or what?”
---
“Wonder what kind of music this sad sap has?” Oikawa dug through the stacks of cd’s on the floor, finding four of the same hardcore band, two Elton John’s Greatest Hits and one loose DVD for Pacific Rim. “Oh my god, who doesn’t take care of this movie? Fucking savages.”
Suga laughed from the driver’s seat, his eyes briefly scanning the floorboards of the car before his eyes landed on the case for the loose DVD down by his feet. “Oh, here it is hold on.” With one hand he reached down and picked up the case, popping it open and-
“-oh shit….OH! Oh shit! Tooru, fuck, that fucking band? Fucking Elton John? Pacific Rim? Oh shit I should of- oh my god I should have known…”
“Koushi, what the fuck? What is it?”
Suga pulled the photo out of the insert inside the case, turning it to face Oikawa. His friend’s eyes immediately widened upon recognition and he snatched the photograph out of Suga’s hand.
“Are you fucking kidding me?? Do not tell we just stole my ex-boyfriend’s car? Holy shit, Koushi do NOT tell me we just stole my ex-boyfriend’s car.”
“We just stole your ex-boyfriend’s car. From his father’s funeral.”
There was a moment of silence before they both exhaled in unison, “Oh shit.”
Suddenly, there were red light’s flashing behind them and a black and white Toyota blaring its siren at them twice. Suga cursed under his breath, moving the vehicle over to the side of the road as calmly as possible while Oikawa had a mini freak out beside him. He put the car in park, turned off the engine and rolled down his window, waiting for the police officer to come over.
“License and registration, please.”
Suga was spooked still the second the cop spoke to him, hands gripping the steering wheel too tight as he blankly stared at the cop in complete silence. The burly man clicked his tongue against his teeth and snapped his fingers in Suga’s face to gain his attention. Suga snapped out of his daze and blinked up and the guy, squinting in confusion “Wait, what?”
“I said, license and registration. Please.”
Suga scrambled for his wallet, pulling out his license while Oikawa dug in the glove compartment for the registration. When finally gathered together, Suga handed them to the officer with what he hoped to be his most sincere smile “Sorry about that, it’s been a long day.”
“Uh-huh, sure, do you know why I pulled you two over today?” Suga shook his head no, looking to Oikawa to see if he had the answer. “You were speeding. Going 45 in a 20.”
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I must not have noticed the change, I’m so, so sorry. This never happens usually I’m a very, very conscientious driver and-“
“Are you Iwaizumi Hajime?” The cop interrupted, looking passed the sweating Suga at Oikawa.
More silence ensued then, before Oikawa cleared his throat, and maybe a bit too enthusiastically answered the officer. “Oh! He’s my boyfriend. Yeah, my boyfriend…actually there’s a photo of us right here.” He reached over Suga and handed the officer the picture of the two of them squished cheek to cheek. “This was our four year anniversary, we went to a volleyball match and then to dinner,” Oikawa reminisced with a dreamy look in his eye “Afterward we had the weirdest sex of my life, I’m telling you it got gro-“
“Okay, that’s enough. I’ll let you off with a warning this time.”
“Really? Thank you so much.”
“Yeah, just be more careful next time,” The cop gave one last disgusted look at Oikawa, before handing back their information and walking off to his vehicle. Suga waited for him to drive off before turning to Oikawa and letting out an airy, high pitched shriek of a laugh.
“Well, that was fucking lucky.”
---